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2013

2013 Review

2013 was a bittersweet year for many of us, but at least we are still here to play the game. Here’s a review of the people we lost and scored points with over the last year.

January

1We saw Death Wish director and food critic Michael Winner die at the age of 77 from liver problems that had plagued him for many years. Conrad Bain (pictured between Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman), best known as the affable dad in 1980s sitcom Diff’rent Strokes, passed away aged 89. And British actress Sophiya Haque, a West End star who had appeared in Coronation Street, died aged 41 having been diagnosed with cancer before Christmas.

February

2

Richard Briers (top left), star of TV’s The Good Life, Ever Decreasing Circles and Monarch of the Glen, died aged 79. Reg Presley (right), who as the lead singer with 1960s band The Troggs had hits with Wild Thing and Love is All Around, died at 71. And US classical pianist Van Cliburn passed away aged 78, two years after being honoured by President Obama with the National Medal of Arts.

March

3

Actor Richard Griffiths, who died in March aged 65, was beloved by one generation as Uncle Monty in Withnail and I and celebrated by another as Vernon Dursley in the Harry Potter films. Frank Thornton (top centre), who was 92 at the time of his death, played stern characters in Are You Being Served? and Last of the Summer Wine. In March we also said goodbye to British horror author James Herbert (right) and jazz trumpeter Kenny Ball (bottom), who died aged 69 and 82 respectively.

April

4

April saw Ruth Prawer Jhabvala (left), the Oscar-winning screenwriter of such acclaimed Merchant Ivory productions as Howards End and A Room with a View, died aged 85. George Jones (top right), the US country singer who had a string of number one songs between the 1950s and 1990s, died aged 81. And the veteran movie reviewer Roger Ebert, the first man to receive a Pulitzer Prize for film criticism, finally lost his long battle with cancer at the age of 70.

May

5

The world bid farewell to 92-year-old Ray Harryhausen (top left), the visual effects master whose stop-motion wizardry enhanced such movies as Jason and the Argonauts and Clash of the Titans, and 34-year-old Chris Kelly, better known as one half of 1990s rap duo Kris Kross. Two sitcom giants also went to the great green room in the sky: Dad’s Army star Bill Pertwee (bottom left), who died aged 86, and Hi-de-Hi! actor Paul Shane (bottom right), who died aged 72.

June

6

The death of Scottish author Iain Banks at the age of 59 came just two months after his announcement that he had terminal cancer. The same month also saw The Sopranos star James Gandolfini succumb to a heart attack in Italy aged 51. Blott on the Landscape author Tom Sharpe passed away in Spain at the age of 85, while swimming champion-turned-movie star Esther Williams died in her sleep in Los Angeles aged 91.

July

7

The entertainment world was rocked in July by the sudden demise of Glee star Cory Monteith (left), who died from a heroin and alcohol overdose in a Vancouver hotel aged 31. The same month saw (clockwise from top middle) Bernie Nolan die at the age of 52 following a long battle with breast cancer, comedian Mel Smith die of a heart attack aged 60, former policeman turned “tough guy” actor Dennis Farina die aged 69 and former EastEnders actress Anna Wing die at the age of 98.

August

8

Two literary giants signed off during the month of August: the Irish poet and Nobel laureate Seamus Heaney (top left), who died aged 74, and the crime and western author Elmore Leonard (top right), who passed away aged 87. Jon Brookes (bottom left), drummer with British indie band The Charlatans, died aged 44, while Sid Bernstein, the concert promoter who staged the Beatles and the Rolling Stones’ early US shows, died aged 95.

September

9

September saw us bid farewell to two broadcasting Davids. The month began with the news that Sir David Frost, the veteran interlocutor who interviewed countless presidents, prime ministers and celebrities, had died aboard the Queen Elizabeth cruise liner at the age of 74. His passing was followed by that of 87-year-old David Jacobs, the veteran radio presenter with the soothing voice whose career spanned seven decades.

October

10

October took with it the British sculptor Sir Anthony Caro, who died of a heart attack at the age of 89, the best-selling US author Tom Clancy, who died in Baltimore at the age of 66, and singer and former Velvet Underground frontman Lou Reed, who died at the age of 71. The month also saw the sad deaths of British film director Antonia Bird and the actor Nigel Davenport, aged 54 and 85 respectively.

November

11

Fans of US actor Paul Walker (left), star of the Fast and the Furious films, were stunned when he perished in a car crash on 30 November at the age of 40 along with his friend and business partner Roger Rodas. The month had earlier seen the deaths of the British Nobel Prize-winning author Doris Lessing (top right) at the age of 94 and the leading British composer Sir John Tavener at the age of 69.

December

12

The end of the year brought the sad departures of the legendary Lawrence of Arabia actor Peter O’Toole (left) at the age of 81, Hollywood actress Joan Fontaine, star of the Alfred Hitchcock thrillers Rebecca and Suspicion, at the age of 96, and the distinguished sports commentator David Coleman (right), who died aged 87. We also said goodbye to Paul Torday, the British author who gave us Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.

mandela

And of course, we can’t end without mentioning the passing of one of the greatest men to have walked upon this earth, Nelson Mandela. Nothing need to be said about the man, but history will remember him.

The above was blatantly ripped off the BBC News Website, they can go fuck themselves over copyright, I don’t give a fuck! 😛


Dead Pool 29th December 2013

Dead Pool Background

Welcome to the very last newsletter of 2013, and if you don’t get your lists in pronto, it will be the last one you’ll see. This is how it works, I only send out the email to the people who take part, so no list, no email and you will be forever forgotten, much like an X-factor winner from 2007.

Lets dispense some points shall we? Moomin has improved upon his ‘always score nothing’ in predicting his second death of the year! He correctly guessed Mikhail Kalashnikov would bite the bullet thus scoring himself a tidy 56 points, boosting him from the bottom of the table to the bottom quarter of the table, a giddy high for him 😛

Unless something drastic happens, with little over two days left to go, I am provisionally going to declare Dave the winner with 597 points, Rebecca second with 519 points and last years winner, Paul C, coming third with 453 points.

The rest of us are just rather shit at this game, better luck next time. I’ve included a .pdf of the lists with the email, so if you would like to double check your list, just in case I’ve missed someone, if I have, you can shout at me that I’m a shite Death Master who can’t count.

I know that Dave will not let you rest on your laurels, I’m sure his list will be as successful in 2014, so the rest of us need to get our thinking caps on, we can’t have him winning two years in a row, once is enough as he surely wont stop mentioning the fact down the pub as it is…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

MMA_Girlfriends_Alex_ReidKatie Price aka Jordan has revealed that she’s feeling a bit poorly. The glamour model has had a “nightmare” in the run up to Christmas having visited the hospital over the weekend after she posted a message on her Twitter page in the early hours of Saturday morning saying she had been put on a drip by doctors. She wrote “Still soo poorly problem getting worse no meds are helping such s*** times 🙁 … Great in hospital on a drip.” She later added: “Out of hos go back again in 48 hours mri scan had morning of needles my worst nightmare, time to concentrate on getting ready for christmas.” Surely that’s the most pricks she’s seen in some time! Let’s hope she recovers, nobody would want to take her place as her son’s punchbag/sextoy.

article-2530175-1A4FA04F00000578-704_634x974In a quest to find another news story, I stumbled upon Paul McCartney taking a swim, who’d have thought the Daily Mail would publish such things! The sad thing is, the former Beatle, who is 71, looks far better than I do.  Must have something to do with having a younger wife, but even at 52, she also looks better than me. Maybe it’s the millionaires lifestyle, I’m sure I’d be running with joy through the surf if I had heaps of cash and a young wifelet who’s only after one thing, but who cares, she has to put up with the old man sex before she gets Linda’s share of the cash.

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by KoA

dzhum_000Nikolai Dzhumagaliev is a Kazakh serial killer and cannibal known as “Metal Fang” for his unusual white metal teeth. He was found to have killed seven women before he was caught in 1980 and it was suspected that he may have killed many more, some sources put the total number of victims at 50-100. He apparently made it his mission to rid the world of prostitutes, perhaps if he’d used their services from time to time he wouldn’t have ended up like he did.

He would stalk his victims in secluded areas in Uzun-Agach, break into their houses, then kill them. He would cannibalise his victims, drink their blood and practiced necrophilia,  sometimes fucking the stab wounds he inflicted. He would often kill his female victims with an axe, carve the meat and serve it to his friends at dinners. Nom nom…

Dzhumagaliev’s crimes were discovered when two drunk friends, whom he invited over to his house for “snacks”, found a human head and intestines in his fridge. He was found not responsible for his murders due to insanity, and he was committed to a mental institution in Tashkent.

He escaped in 1989 while being transported to another facility. It’s unknown if Dzhumagaliev committed murders during the time he was on the run, but it was suspected that he might have traveled as far as Moscow, so anything is possible.

He was re-captured in 1991 in Fergana but Dzhumagaliev’s fate in the 1990’s is unclear. Some sources said that he was released and returned to Uzun-Agach, where people remembered his crimes and humiliated him. There is no record how the Kazakh people humiliate their serial killers so we will have to use our imaginations.  However it must have been horrendous as he asked to be taken back to the asylum.

During the mid 2000’s, Dzumagaliev remained in a psychiatric clinic but doctors believed that he was cured and could be released. Dead or alive, nobody is sure where he is today…

Last Week’s Birthdays

harry-shearerRalph Fiennes (51), Harry Shearer (70), Dave Murray (57), Lemmy (68), Ricky Martin (42), Stephenie Meyer (40), Ryan Seacrest (39), Louis Tomlinson (22), Jimmy Buffett (67), Sissy Spacek (64), Annie Lennox (59), Shane McGowan (56), Dido (42), Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on Sesame Street) (80), Phil Spector (74), Lars Ulrich (50), Jared Leto (42), Gerard Depardieu (65), David Knopfler (61), Stan Lee (91), Nichelle Nichols (81), Maggie Smith (79), Denzel Washington (59) and Sienna Miller (32).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 22nd December 2013

Dead Pool Backgvtrebgtround

Welcome all to the pre-Christmas edition of the Dead Pool. This edition is specially written for you, not from the deepest darkest depths of Hell, but Wales. One can argue the differences on another occasion, I for one can’t see any!

Anyhow, points! Lots of points! Two stalwarts of the Dead Pool have passed away this week, must be the cold weather. I told you there’s a lot to play for! Liz was the only one who had Joan Fontaine this year, plus she selected her as her Woman, thus garnering her 154 points! Also with Ronnie Biggs biting the bullet, Wendy, Martin, Paul C, Dave and Rebecca all scored a further 66 points. With this bout of scoring we now have two clear frontrunners with ten days to go.

imageYes! 10 days to go! Do I need to remind you to get your lists sorted out and submitted? I hope not. Now if you did submit one last week to the deadpool@kingofankh.co.uk email address and didn’t get a reply from me, please resubmit it, I seemed to have had issues there so I may not have received it.

*edit* I forgot to mention Peter O’Toole, he died on the cusp of writing last weeks and publishing the blog. I thought I covered him last week, but alas I didn’t, so to make up for it, he gets his very own mention and also Ken who had him also scores 69 points!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

apollo-theatreLondon had a bad week of it, firstly theatre goers got squished by falling plaster at The Apollo, must have been a very good show to bring the house down! *ahem*. Shame it only came down on the audience, imagine the carnage if the lighting rig above the stage came down during a high profile show! So many dead actors! Andrew Lloyd Webber commented that most of London’s theatres are in such disrepair that he was surprised something like this hadn’t already happened! Maybe a list full of theatre actors is the way to go!  Jimmy Carr isn’t such a long shot anymore!

news-graphics-2008-_659747aI could also mention the bus crash, but lets face it, how many celebs would be found dead on a bus? Yeah… Let us look more closely at cycling celebs, mainly politicians trying to be eco-friendly and shaming us into trying it out for ourselves but mostly looking like self-righteous cunts because we all know we’re much safer in our cars. I’d be tempted to make a list of cycling politicians and somehow finding myself hiring cars in the London area,  sadly this contravenes the rules of the Dead Pool. *sigh*

Ian-Watkins-main_1739282aUnhappily, I can’t ignore the fact that a countryman of mine has been doing terrible things. Yes, Ian ‘H’ Watkins from the band Steps has been making music again… Seriously now, I actually mean Ian Watkins, the lead singer of The Lost Prophets. You may have heard that he’s been sentenced to 35 years for fucking a baby boy. A sentence that in this day and age is one I can almost agree upon, at least it wasn’t 10 years with parole in 5 like they usually get, although I’d much prefer guys like him to be slowly broken on the wheel over the course of a decade. Death is certainly too good for that cunt! Luckily the prison system will not favour a person of his tastes and fame, I’m giving him a couple of months before he gets shanked at the least. I’m sure that will be Mega Lolz for him. Cunt!

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

jesus_christNow this may come as quite a surprise to you. It came as somewhat of a surprise to me too, but it was something of a stab in the dark really, when I realise that I haven’t done my TFHD and it’s almost 10pm on Saturday evening… That’s right, it’s everybody’s favourite conspicuously-Caucasian Middle-Eastern Jew, Jesus Christ.

JC (as my dad calls him) was born right at the start of it all in the year 1. Some believe him not to have been born at all, and others think he was born four years before or after his own birth. Whatever the timing, it made a lot of people very angry, and has widely been regarded as a bad move.

Not a lot is known about Jesus’ early years, as the council of Nicaea  voted on which gospels to include in the bible, and basically vetoed anything that didn’t portray Jesus as being the literal son of God. The story kind of skips his adolescent years, until we catch up again with Jesus in his twilight years (his early thirties) hanging around with a bunch of dudes wearing dresses. He is believed to have performed miracles such as walking on water, trapping mobile  phones in glass bottles and walking down the side of a skyscraper.

hippie-300x202It could be said that Jesus was the first hippy. Maybe everybody was just tripping on LSD when he showed up at Woodstock in AD29 trying to feed five thousand people with a couple of fish sandwiches. To cut a long story short, he preached a different kind of Judaism, that cut out all the blood-and-thunder anger and vengeance of the Old Testament.

The Jewish elders didn’t take to this too kindly, especially Jesus’ claims to be a direct line to God – they wanted the monopoly on salvation all to themselves. They tag-teamed with the Roman governor Pontius Pilate to have Jesus arrested and crucified as an example to others  who would dare try to usurp their power and authority.

100_5056Whether you believe Jesus was the literal son of God, or that he was just some crazy fucker who woke up one day with dreams of appearing on some Texan woman’s toast, if he hadn’t pissed off the Jews and gotten himself killed then there would be no Christmas. Fair enough, there wouldn’t be any Christians either, and the world would have probably been a much more peaceful place for the last 2000 years, but when it comes down to a toss up between world peace and free socks, I know what I would choose.

Don’t try to pretend you wouldn’t make the same choice as me. Thank fuck he’s dead, and merry Christmas to all you sick fuckers.

Last Week’s Birthdays

benny_abba_1242132178_crop_340x423Tim Conway (80), Cindy Birdsong (74), Dave Clark (71), Don Johnson (64), Stuart Townsend (41), Liv Ullman (75), Benny Anderson (67), Billy Gibbons (64), Bernard Hill (69) Ernie Hudson (68), Eugene Levy (67), Paul Rodgers (64), Bill Pullman (60), Sarah Dallin of Bananarama (52), Laurie Holden (44), Milla Jovovich (38), Keith Richards (70), Steven Spielberg (67), Leonard Maltin (63), Ray Liotta (58), Brad Pitt (50), Katie Holmes (35),  Christina Aguilera (33), Jennifer Beals (50), Kristy Swanson (44), Alyssa Milano (41), Jake Gyllenhaal (33), John Hillerman (81), Jenny Agutter (61), Jonah Hill (30), Phil Donahue (78),  Jane Fonda (76), Samuel L. Jackson (65), Kiefer Sutherland (47) and Julie Delpy (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 15th December 2013

Dead Pool BackgroundHere we are again, where does the time go? No points to award this week but with little over two weeks left to go, I’m hoping for a late surge of point scoring. I wont moan at you to get your lists in just yet, but please remember to work on them, the more of you that join in the greater the hilarity will be. Try to think outside the box, all of the lists looking the same also begets a boring year. Try to find those young cancer sufferers or potential drug overdoses for example, the younger they are at time of death the more points you will get!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

newsdesk_thumb1370781118tulisa mainThings aren’t going well for N-Dubz, a couple of weeks ago Dappy got kicked in the face by a horse, now we have Tulisa Contostavlos being charged with supplying class A drugs! The singer and former X Factor judge must be finding times hard if she has to peddle some cocaine, perhaps she should have found more discerning customers other than a Sun journalist, maybe Nigella Lawson. Looks like she’ll be going down because she’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, so a stint in a class A prison might be enough to send the only musical member of N-Dubz to suicide?

yellssokeploIf you are struggling with your Dead Pool list, worry not, you might not have to complete one. Apparently the super volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park has been found to be nearly three times larger than originally thought and well overdue for a little bang. They now estimate that the cavern is around 55 miles in diameter and should it decide to explode, it would decimate the entire North American Continent and bugger up the climate for the rest of us. The only saving grace is the fact that it is in America, it has blown before but the rest of us survived, so happy days!

0,,3445727_4,00I suppose we cannot continue without mentioning the Mandela Mourning Period. Of course, such a great man deserves all the honours a country can bestow upon him, he is after all the modern day Gandhi.

But the media, rather than celebrating the life of the man himself,  have taken it upon themselves to concentrate upon other things, like the well 131212074803_1web_deafhired Thamsanqa Jantjie, the slightly bonkers sign language interpreter who can’t sign for toffee, turns out he’s also a violent schizophrenic with a criminal history. You have to admire the guys cajones, a lesser man wouldn’t have the balls to stand at one of the worlds most televised moments in modern history and wing it! Less said about him the better.

We also have Desmond Tutu, moaning that he wasn’t invited. Well, I’m sure that the millions of others that attended weren’t invited either mate, so stop spitting out your dummy  and man up! I doubt anybody would have checked the guest list, you’re fucking Desmond Tutu!

Helle-Thorning Schmidt poses with David Cameron and Barack Obama at the Mandela memorial serviceThey also pounced upon the Obama, Cameron and Schmidt selfie. Both men swooped on the chance of taking a picture with one of politics most attractive female representatives, much to Michelle Obama’s disgust, I’m sure Barak didn’t get his Presidential blow job that evening!

Not content with putting his foot in it once, Obama then shook hands with our old Cuban friend, Raúl Castro, oops! He must be taking advice from Prince Philip, but let’s be honest here, I bet he didn’t even recognise him.

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

FrancoislollonaisMy, oh my. And you thought Blackbeard was a cunt. Wait until you meet Francois L’Ollonais.

This is the guy who makes the Cyberdemon from the end of Doom look like a little pussy. From the age of fifteen he was an indentured servant in the Caribbean where he endured incredibly harsh conditions which no doubt fuelled his misanthropic leanings. At least it wasn’t his smothering mother this time.

Upon his release he moved to Tortuga (where they were just about to start filming Pirates of the Caribbean) and signed up with a ship load of bastards looking for a right old fucking time. I should point out that L’Ollonais wasn’t a pirate, he was a privateer- meaning he had free rein from the French king to do pretty much whatever the fuck he wanted to the Spanish, which he did with immense enjoyment.

Before long he had a crew of his own, an impressive won-lost record and a fearsome reputation for violence. When the governor of one of the Spanish Territories sent a team out to kill his crew and take him prisoner, our hero snuck up on them, killed all but one of their number and sent him back with a message vowing never again to show mercy on the Spanish.

His killing techniques were brutal as fuck, and probably could have made a terminator run crying to its mummy. He once tore out the heart of one of his captives, ate a piece of it and threw it in another prisoner’s face all before it had a chance to stop beating. He liked to dismember prisoners bit by bit, starting with the hands and working inwards in order to keep his victims alive as long as possible. He perfected the technique of “woolding” which, obviously, is the practice of tying rope around someone’s head, and tightening it gradually until their eyes burst out.

Unfortunately for him, his constant run-ins with his Spanish enemies eventually led to his undoing. Attempting a one-ship invasion of Nicaragua, he crashed onto a sandbar, and was captured by the Spanish. He did manage to escape – but ran straight into the open arms (and cooking pots) of the Darien tribe, who meted out some rough justice of their own, cooking him alive and eating him. Possibly with L’Ollondaise sauce.

Last Week’s Birthdays

7517028_origTaylor Swift (24), Jamie Foxx (46), Judi Dench (79), John Malkovich (60), Nicki Minaj (31), Kim Basinger (60)!!, Dick Van Dyke (88), Teri Hatcher (49), Kirk Douglas (97), Ann Coulter (52), Steve Buscemi (56), Sinead O’Conner (47), Donny Osmond (56), Vanessa Hudgens (25), Ted Nugent (65), Jennifer Connelly (43), Beau Bridges (72), Dionne Warwick (73), Christopher Plummer (84), Kenneth Branagh (53) and Dominic Monaghan (37).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 1st December 2013

Dead Pool BackgroundAnother week, another newsletter. This week we have no points to award but we are now in the final month countdown with Dave in the lead with an impressive 531 points, correctly predicting six out of thirteen deaths, consisting of the first death of the year and both his Cert and Woman. Embarrassingly I’m in second place with 355 points with Emily hot on my heels with 349. All to play for with the cold weather in front of us with plenty of points still to be had, so Dave’s seemingly unassailable lead could easily crumble.

Now onto 2014. If you need a rules refresher, please visit http://thedeadpool.rip/the-rules/ You can also point anyone who wants to join in for 2014 in that direction.

For 2014, I’d like you to fill in a spreadsheet I’ve prepared to help on the admin side, because there’s quite a few of us nowadays it would save me a lot of time if you could download the form and fill it in. There are various formats there for you to choose from, if you have any problems just contact me. These forms can be downloaded from http://thedeadpool.rip/downloads/.

I can’t stress enough that you must get your entries in by the closing date, you may not realise how much actual work goes into producing all of this on a weekly basis so the less time I have to spend chasing you for 13 names the better 😛

I’m also looking for guest editors, Stu has been amazing with his weekly TFHD, which I’m sure you all enjoy reading, I know I do, if you have an idea you would like to try please let me know. It doesn’t have to be a weekly thing, maybe a monthly or quarterly edition, every little helps as Tesco’s are so fond of saying, although those cunts prefer to screw both their suppliers, workers and customers, with me I’ll just want to screw you… 😛

Look Who You Could Have Had:

 In Other News

Vinnie-Jones-in-LiquidatorHot on the heels of last weeks revelation by Hugh Jackman that he contracted skin cancer, Vinnie Jones decided he wanted in on some of that hot shit. The 48-year-old, who turned to acting after hanging up his football boots says cancer is his ‘toughest and scariest opponent yet’. Vinnie found a lump under his eye, and did’t know whether it was a wart or a spot until he went to get it checked out. Turns out this pimple was CANCER!!! Since his diagnosis he’s had three operations to remove two patches under his eye and one on the back of his head. Unsurprisingly he’s also advocating you should get things checked out, unlike a real man who just chews the cancer off his face between a snakes fang and a polar bear canine, whilst they are both still alive!

Dappy-N-DubzThe N-Dubz rapper Dappy has been hospitalised after a horse he was riding kicked him in the face His doctors reported they found it hard to notice any difference between the before and after pictures. Apparently he was riding the horse at his Hertfordshire home when it threw him and stamped on his face, I can only empathise with the horse, as I’m sure you do. Lets hope that a tractor takes exception to him next time…

Brian-Griffin-not-coming-backFor fans of Family Guy, we are all shocked at the news that Brian the Dog is being killed off. He might have been just an eight-year-old animated labrador to some, but to devotees of the show, Brian Griffin was top dog in the world of cartoon canines and will be sorely missed. Brian will be killed by a car. On the plus side, this means the troubled mutt never get’s to use the gun he always carried in case he needed to commit suicide. On the downside, the Griffins have apparently already bought a new dog called Vinny as a replacement. Monsters!

209174-lostprophets-singer-ian-watkins-pleads-guilty-to-child-sex-offencesWe also have Ian Watkins of The Lost Prophets found guilty of fucking a baby. Yeah, I know, shame we can’t just send him off to hell as soon as possible, along with those two mothers who let this happen due to ‘celeb eyes’. He’s going to be sentenced shortly, so without doubt he will be jailed in a top security prison which will hopefully put him in harms way from the other inmates. My guess is he’ll last all of three minutes, nobody likes a manipulative cunt, let alone a paedophile.  I only feel sorry for H from Steps, who shares his name, sadly he received a barrage of abuse online and a case of mistaken identity when his photo was used by Entertainment Online instead of the real cunto! *sigh*

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

Hungerford Massacre - 1987- Michael Ryan the infamous gunman involved in the Hungerford Massacre-823754This weeks TFHD is homegrown “hero” Michael Ryan. The unemployed labourer and (apparently) antiques dealer was responsible for the Hungerford massacre on 19th August, 1987.

Like so many of these lunatics I’ve written about in the past few weeks, Ryan had what was described as an unhealthy relationship with his mother, the Guardian wrote that she spoiled him, and that he was a “mummy’s boy”

His first victim was Susan Godfrey, who was out having a picnic with her children, aged 2 & 4. He spared the children, who sought help from a pensioner they met, telling her “a man in black has shot our mummy”

ed_censorship_19After a failed attempt to kill a petrol station cashier, he returned home to load his car with guns, shoot the dogs and torch the place. The car wouldn’t start, so he shot that too. He made his way through the town, shooting young and old indiscriminately as he went. He shot at PC Roger Brereton 23 times, hitting him with four bullets. The officer died sat in his car radioing for help. A couple who drove into the step rest just after the police car were shot at, but managed to escape with their lives.

Ryan’s mother soon turned up, and was understandably shocked to find half the street on fire and dead bodies everywhere. She tried to reason with her son, so he shot and killed her too. An old lady in a house nearby narrowly escaped with her life after coming outside to tell Ryan to keep the bloody noise down.

In the town centre he continued his rampage, shooting at drivers who had ironically been diverted through the scene of the carnage as police attempts to contain the spree started to go tits-up. He killed Douglas Wainwright, the constable who had signed Ryan’s gun license extension only two weeks before. A brave soldier, Carl Harries, was in the town at the time and attempted to give first aid to those who were wounded and dying.

Hungerford+Massacre+-+1987-+Daily+Mirror+front+page+Thursday+20th+August+1987Michael Ryan’s end came in the school he went to as a child. After locking himself inside, police surrounded the building, and sensing no escape, he stuck his beretta in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

The Hungerford massacre was one of the worst firearms atrocities committed in the UK, alongside Dunblaine and the Cumbria Shootings, and led to the Firearms (Amendment) 1988.

There are many references to the Hungerford massacre in popular culture, including the Radiohead song Sulk, Marvel comics antihero Pete Wisdom’s backstory includes his mother being one of the victims, Morrissey continued his long standing tradition of cheerfulness with Michael’s Bones and the Goldie Lookin Chain song Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do includes the line “Like Michael Ryan about to snap, guns don’t kill people, it’s just rap”

Last Week’s Birthdays

Ben Stiller (48), Don Cheadle (49), Christina Applegate (42), Ed Harris (63), Tina Turner (74), Jon Stewart (51), Elisha Cuthbert (31), Billy Idol (58), Anna Faris (37), Judd Nelson (54), Randy Newman (70), Tom Sizemore (52), Robin Givens (49), Stephen  Merchant (39), Katie Cassidy (27), Joel Cohen (59), Kathryn Bigelow (62), Mandy Patinkin (61), Riley Scott (76), Percy Sledge (72), Bruno Tonioli (58), Peter Facinelli (40), Natasha Bedingfield (32) and Bill Nye (58).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 24th November 2013

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome once again to the weekly Dead Pool Newsletter. As per usual we have a dearth of famous deaths but hopefully we’ve managed to compile an interesting if not readable effort nevertheless. What I did notice this week was the amount of gorgeous MILF birthdays there are, maybe I’m getting a bit desperate in the trouser department, see what you think…

Without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

rs_600x600-131121132433-600-hugh-jackman-cancer-instagram.ls.112113_copyHeart throb and Wolverine actor Hugh Jackman has disclosed that he’s had treatment for cancer. The Australian found a small mark on his nose and at the insistence of his wife he sought medical advice and found he had skin cancer on his schnoz. Luckily it seems to have been operable and they only had to take half his face away. He’s now advocating that everyone use sunscreen. Sounds to me his little fall was a bit more death defying than his cancer.

article-2509251-197B710400000578-543_634x357In a prime example of Darwinism in action, rapper George Watsky thought it would be a fine idea to do a stage dive, from a lighting gantry 35ft above the stage. Unsurprisingly he fell to the floor with a bump injuring himself and a couple of audience members who were a bit too slow to move out of the way like everyone else did. It’s not the first time he’s done this either, last month, he posted a series of pictures on his Facebook page showing himself jump off a first floor balcony into a crowd while wearing a green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. Good call for next year I think…

Cristina-Kirchner_2654144bArgentine President, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has returned to work after undergoing brain surgery. The 60 year old politician had surgery in October to remove a blood clot on her brain found during routine checks after a fall that was suspected to have been brought on by low blood pressure due her lack of a thyroid. Her illness forced her to abandon campaigning for mid-term congressional elections meaning that her allies suffered heavy losses in the 27 October vote, and Ms Fernandez had her majority in Congress reduced. This puts an end to any speculation that she may try to amend the constitution to allow her to run for a third term in office, thank god…

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

fish000aThis week we have the terrible tale of Albert Fish.

Hamilton “Albert” Fish is known as one of America’s most notorious child murderers and cannibals. He was born in Washington, DC, in 1870 into a family with an already-established history of mental illness. After his father died his mother put him into an orphanage where he was treated sadistically, he eventually grew to enjoy the physical pain the beatings brought.

After he was removed from the orphanage, he began a relationship with a telegraph boy, who taught him to drink urine and eat faeces a la Bear Grylls (I’m not ever so certain that Mr Grylls really has much experience in the latter.) He also began hanging round public baths in order to see naked boys, and writing obscene letters to women whose names he found in classified ads.

By 1890 he had become a prostitute, and began raping young boys. A visit to a waxworks museum where he saw a model of a bisected penis turned him in to the concept of genital mutilation, and the next few years saw him spiral out of control, experimenting with self flagellation, making his own children paddle his backside with a nail-embedded board, and sticking long pins through his groin and perineum.

The murder for which he is probably best known, is that of 10-year-old Grace Budd. Having befriended her family, he abducted Grace on the pretence of taking her to a birthday party. Having stripped naked in order to avoid getting blood on his clothes, he strangled the girl, cut her up and ate her flesh. In a letter to her family in which he described the killing, and how he himself became hooked on eating children, he chillingly finished with the line “How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body. I did not fuck her tho I could of (sic) had I wished. She died a virgin.” So at least that was some consolation for the Budd family.

He boasted that he “had children in every state” and hinted that his tally of victims could have been over a hundred. He was executed on January 16th, 1936 in the electric chair of Sing Sing prison, New York. After his death, his lawyer claimed to be in possession of Fish’s “Final Statement” which had been written by the murderer in the hours before his execution. When he was pressed to reveal the contents of the statement, he refused. “I will never show it to anyone” he said. “It was the most filthy string of obscenities I have ever read.”

Last Week’s Birthdays

Scarlett Johansson (29), Owen Wilson (45), Miley Cyrus (21), Rachel McAdams (35), Danny DeVito (69), Mark Ruffalo (46), Jamie Lee Curtis (55), Goldie Hawn (68), Joe Binden (71), Jodie Foster (51), Larry King (80), Meg Ryan (52), Carly Rae Jepsen (28), Bjork (48), Bo Derek (57), Martin Scorsese (71), RuPaul (53), Linda Evans (71), Delroy Lindo (61), Sean Young (54), Michael Kenneth Williams (47), Boris Becker (46), Mariel Hemingway (52) and Billy Jean King (70).

2013 League Table

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Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 17th November 2013

Untitled-1We have a winner! Dave correctly guessed that Britain’s oldest person would die this year, and lo she did, sadly she was the last person to have been born in the 1800’s that was still alive. So Dave now extends his lead over everyone else by a further 37 points! With little over seven weeks left to go this year, Dave’s lead looks certain, but who knows what will happen.

We also have to welcome a new member to the Dead Pool, Vic & Stu managed to bring a new life into the world in the form of a bouncing 9lb 3oz baby boy. I’m sure we would all like to send our congratulations to all three of them.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

uribe_617There seems to be some unrest in the world of politics of late. The Colombian government says it has uncovered a plot by the country’s largest rebel group, the Farc, to kill the former president, Alvaro Uribe. Sadly they have now reinforced the security surrounding the former president, but even so, he might be a good shout for next year.

david-cameron-pic-getty-images-924849032-210150We also heard that a heavily armed taxi driver was caught on his way to kill David Cameron. Irfaq Naz was stopped in London with a 950,000-volt stun gun, a Samurai sword and masking tape in his Vauxhall Astra. Naz, 34, also had hammers, kitchen knives and a machete when he was stopped in July after going the wrong way down a north London street. If only he observed the Highway Code, we might all be happier people right now. Nick Clegg refuted allegations he was behind the plot.

Nelson+MandelaFormer South African president Nelson Mandela is now unable to speak but uses facial expressions to communicate. Winnie Madikizela-Mandela said the 95-year-old remained “quite ill” but she dismissed speculation that he was on a life support machine. Things seem to be looking rather grim for the old chap, maybe we are in for a points windfall before the year is out!

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead

Ed-Gein-imageToday we have Ed Gein.

Now, I imagine that quite a few of you may have heard of Mr. Gein. If you haven’t, then chances are you are a bit more familiar with some of the horror movie characters he has inspired; Psycho‘s Norman Bates, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Jamie Gumb (A.K.A Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs) being the most well-known.

So you can probably guess that Gein didn’t fuck about. As far as totally screwed-up individuals go, he ticked all the boxes. For much of his early life he was a devoted momma’s boy and didn’t see many people beyond her and his brother, Henry. Henry wasn’t nearly as complimentary of their mother as Ed was, and there were suspicions that Ed was the one who offed his brother in a marshfield one day, though nothing was ever brought against him for this.

Old momma Gein pegged it in December 1945, leaving Ed all alone with his thoughts. Instead of just getting on with it like a normal, rational person however, Gein decided he needed to become a woman. Unlike most transgender people though, he figured the best way to achieve this would be to remove dead peoples skins and make suits from them (Leatherface and Buffalo Bill there for you.)

Much of his unusual haul (bowls made from the tops of skulls, belts made from nipples, the usual John Lewis collection sort of stuff) came from graves he robbed, but it wasn’t against his convictions to kill women for their skin either. Oh, he also had a shoe box full of vulvas.

And a lampshade made from somebody’s face.

He was rumbled when police investigated the disappearance of Bernice Worden. They found her decapitated body “dressed out like a deer” hanging by the wrists in his shed. Did I mention he had a pair of lips on a drawstring for his window shade?

Having initially been declared not guilty due to insanity, he was placed in a high security mental institution until eleven years later, when he was declared sane enough to stand trial and found guilty- due to prohibitive costs he was only tried for one murder. Because he was still considered insane he was held for the rest of his life in hospital.

I wish I could tell you that he met his end at the hands of another inmate, who cut off his face and wore it as budgie smugglers (or another amusingly ironic scenario) but the sad truth is that Gein died of respiratory failure in 1984 at the ripe old age of 77. After his burial, morbid souvenir hunters chipped away fragments of his gravestone, before some greedy sod stole the whole thing in 2000. When they got it back a year later, they kept it under lock and key in the Waushara sheriffs department.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Anne Hathaway (31), Ryan Gosling (33), Whoopi Goldberg (64), Gerard Butler (44), Maggie Gyllenhall (36), Prince Charles (65), Demi Moore (51), Leonardo DiCaprio (39), Neil Young (68), Calista Flockhart (49), Beverly D’Angelo (62), Wallace Shawn (70), Anni-Frid Lyngstad (68) and Chad Kroeger (39).

2013 League Table

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Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 10th November 2013

p0093wyq_640_360Well, this week is a bit thin on the ground, I could just  about recognise two names from the Wiki list of notable deaths and even then they’re only vaguely famous. I only remembered who John Cole was because he was a Spitting Image puppet and Steve Prescott came up as a potential name for my own list due to cancer. So I will apologise now for the lack of point scoring or deaths of importance this week, even though I sent out those flying monkeys!! However, I will now put you all into shock mode, the original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now 51 years old!!!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

  • John Cole, 85, British broadcaster and journalist, BBC political editor (1981–1992).
  • Steve Prescott, 39, English rugby league player, stomach cancer.

In Other News

Justin Bieber Performs On NBC's "Today" - June 4, 2010Justin Bieber has incensed fans in Brazil after storming off stage because someone threw a water bottle at him. The bottle knocked the microphone out of the hand of the 19 year old  ‘singer’, who looked into the crowd before turning and walking off without even saying goodbye! A Twitter account created for the offending water bottle already has two million followers. One post read: “Stop judging me, I just wanted to touch Justin like the rest of you.”  I for one wished the bottle was made of glass and smashed him in the skull, alas we’re not that lucky.

bertie-1Ireland’s former prime minister Bertie Ahern was assaulted in a Dublin pub last Friday night. Ahern was attacked with a crutch by a man in his forties inside the Sean O’Casey bar just off O’Connell Street. His attacker, who was said to be extremely drunk, was later arrested by the Garda and detained overnight in a city centre police station. The former Taoiseach has declined to talk about the attack, which comes three years after he was verbally abused by a number of customers in another Dublin pub. Shame this wasn’t a story about Cameron and a gun. *sigh*

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

jurgen bartschThis week we have Jürgen Bartsch. Born Karl-Heinz Sadrozinski, this crazy Kraut was adopted at eleven months and his name changed to Jurgen (at least it wasn’t Count Grishnack) by his mother, an OCD clean-freak butcher’s wife from Langenberg. His mother forbade him to play with other children, lest he become dirty, and bathed him herself until he was nineteen – probably a good place to start if you wanted to look for an explanation for his crimes.

He killed his first victim in 1961, at the age of fifteen. He lured his victims, aged between 8 and 13, into an abandoned air raid shelter, where he would undress them and sexually abuse them. Once they were dead, he would dismember the bodies. This hit a snag when he left his fifth victim, Peter Frese, before killing him. Frese managed to burn through his bindings using a candle that had been left by Bartsch and escaped from the shelter.

When he was arrested, Bartsch confessed openly. Originally sentenced to life imprisonment, this was later reduced to ten years of juvenile imprisonment, after which he was placed in psychiatric care.

Psychiatric reports recommended three possible courses of action to rehabilitate Jurgen; psychotherapy, psychosurgery, or castration. After initially refusing any form of surgery, he quickly changed his mind and opted for castration in order to avoid having to spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital. On April 28, 1976, he went into the operating theatre where an inexperienced nurse unfortunately (or fortunately perhaps) gave him a massive accidental overdose of Halothane which killed him. Karma’s a bitch.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Emma Stone (25), Matthew McConaughey (44), Sam Rockwell (45), Sally Field (67), Lamar Odom (34), Dolph Lundgren (56), Brian Adams (54), Gordon Ramsay (47), Ethan Hawke (43), Laura Bush (67), Tara Reid (38), Lou Ferrigno (62), Thandie Newton (41), P Diddy (44), Roseanne Barr (61), Tatum O’Neil (49), Art Garfunkel (72), Famke Janssen (48), Robert Patrick (55), Maria Shriver (58), Loretta Swift (75), Gretchen Mol (41), Rebecca Romijn (41), Tilda Swinton (53), Ralph Macchio (51), Billy Graham (95) and Jack Osbourne (28).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 3rd November 2013

Untitled-1What a week! Without Lou Reed I’d have struggled to recognise a single ‘celebrity’ death! Sure I know their faces once I looked them up, but seriously! With less than two months to go for this years pool, things are moving too slowly. I think we need to send out the flying monkeys so we can start scoring again, failing that we all better start praying to Satan for some divine intervention.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

rs_600x600-131027113745-600.David-Beckham-Car-Crash.jl.102713David Beckham has been involved in a car accident which saw his $76k Range Rover hit by another vehicle near his Beverly Hills home. The former England captain was behind the wheel and accompanied by his 14-year-old son Brooklyn when the collision happened. According to reports, the 38-year-old pulled out of his driveway and was hit by an oncoming car driven by a woman. Beckham and his son were sadly unharmed, but this is the second time both have been involved in a crash. In 2011, the two had a “lucky escape” when their vehicle was involved in a pile-up on one of the busiest roads in Los Angeles. Maybe next time…

b038ynyzYou may have missed the fact that DJ Paul Gambaccini has been arrested as part of Operation Yewtree. The latest DJ from the Savile camp is now under lock and key and the BBC have pulled his Saturday night show from the radio, which is a great shame because the replacement show was utter tripe! Time will tell if he’s guilty or not, maybe he’ll take the same route as Savile’s former driver and kill himself, so perhaps Gambo is a good shout for next year!

_63316992_pa-14410226Tranmere midfielder Joe Thompson has been diagnosed with cancer. The 24-year-old has not played for Rovers since September due to feeling ill and medical tests have since found the former Rochdale winger has contracted nodular sclerosing Hodgkin’s disease. Thompson will now undergo a six-month course of chemotherapy. I’m sure we all wish him well during his treatment, but just in case, I expect to see his name on a few lists in a couple of months time.

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

5712681933_cc856c0d99_zThis week’s TFHD is Euronymous. Ok, so he wasn’t really called Euronymous; Øystein Aarseth was the founder of Norwegian black metal band Mayhem, and originally went by the pseudonym “Destructor” before he renamed himself after the little-known Greek flesh-eating demon of the underworld, Euronymos. Seriously, I’m not making this up.

What sets Aarseth apart from previous entries in this column is that he (probably) didn’t kill anybody. However, this guy was pretty fucked up. A self-confessed satanist, he participated in the 1992 burning of Holmenkollen chapel but his stand-out what the fuck moment came two years earlier, when the lead singer of Mayhem, Per “Dead” Ohlin committed suicide at the house the two shared.

Now if you came home to find your roommate had just blown his brains out all over the walls and floor, you probably wouldn’t react the same way Aarseth did – he phoned bassist Necrobutcher (yes, Necrobutcher) and told him “Dead has done something really cool! He’s killed himself!” In a whirlwind of commercial brilliance he reassured Necrobutcher; “Relax, I have photos of everything!”

Aarseth posed the body of his friend, careful to make sure he arranged the shotgun, bloody knife and brain tastefully, and took photos – one of which was used as an album cover for a bootleg release, Dawn of the Black Hearts (check it out, it’s all over the internet.) It was rumoured that he made a stew out of bits of Dead’s brain, and made necklaces for other “worthy” musicians from fragments of skull. The band later denied the first rumour – but confirmed the second.

He was stabbed to death in 1993 by fellow metaller Count Grishnack (not his real name) in an attack that some speculate was to out-do a previous murder Grishnack had committed, though he claimed that Euronymous had planned to tie him up, electrocute him, and torture him to death on video. The whole story will probably never be known, but the fact remains that Øystein Aarseth was absolutely bat-shit crazy, and to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick.

In March 2012 a Norwegian airline held a public vote to pick a famous Norwegian whose picture would adorn the aircraft. Aarseth was leading the poll but his name was removed from the campaign after his family’s request.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Winona Rider (42), Joaquin Phoenix (39), Toni Collette (41), Jenny McCarthy (41), Julia Roberts (46), Richard Dreyfuss (66), Kelly Osbourne (29), Henry Winkler (68), Matt Smith (31), Charlie Daniels (77), David Shwimmer (47), Bill Gates (58), Simon Le Bon (55), Matthew Morrison (35), Anthony Kiedis (51), John Cleese (74), Vanilla Ice (46), Lyle Lovett (56), Dennis Franz (69), Nelly (39), Peter Jackson (52), Diego Maradona (53) and K.D. Lang (52).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 27th October 2013

Untitled-1This week poses a question, with the sad death of Marcia Wallace, the voice of Mrs Krabappel in The Simpsons, would this mean the character she played would have to die? Would we need to award points for both, or even more as she did many so voices! Also, what is going to happen to all those potentially lobster pink travellers going Spain? The voice of their anthem has passed on, this is such a terrible quandary!!
Anyhow, I’m in the process of setting up a new website for the Dead Pool, it will look and feel very much like the old one for the moment but hopefully we will have password protected areas for our Poolers to share and have fun and also downloadable content to help you with next years lists. If you want to have a sneak peek, go to www.kingofankh.co.uk/DeadPool. So if you normally read this on the website, please update your rss feeds or weblinks. Feel a bit stupid saying that, you’re obviously not reading this!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

_70729770_kebab_afpIt is truly with a very heavy heart, literally, that I have to share the news that Kadir Nurman has died at the age of 80. ‘Who?’ I hear you lament. Kadir is the Turkish immigrant who is credited with inventing the doner kebab! I know, this is truly a horrific moment for many of us.
Kadir emigrated to Germany in 1960 and noticed that the fast paced lives of the Germans needed a succulent dish that could be carried around, and lo, the mana of the gods for pissed people was born. Alas he didn’t patent the recipe so he made little money from the dish. However, he was pleased that so many Turkish people have managed to do so well with his recipe, thus improving the quality of life for his fellow countrymen. I’m not so sure about the quality of my life though, a few too many kebabs has left me with horrific angina that even red wine can’t help!

46_Dick_Cheney_3x4Dick Cheney has revealed to the world that he’s had to have his pacemaker modified in case of terrorist attack. Yup, the former vice-president is so paranoid he made sure that his wi-fi enabled ticker was impervious to Bin Laden and his friends. Now, I’m not one to cast an opinion normally, but wouldn’t it be easier to just give Cheney a gun and let him get on with it, after all he managed to shoot his mate in the face, so why bother making a complex device that would interfere with his pacemaker? Methinks he’s been watching too many episodes of Homeland.

Steatoda_nobilisWe are all going to die!!! Yes, it’s true! But if you are to believe most media reports at the moment, we will all die from False Widow Spider bites. Now, I’m not a huge fan of spiders myself, but for us in the UK we’re pretty lucky really, overall they don’t grow as large as a house and they can’t kill you. In fact, the worst a False Widow can do it give you a tiny sting, much like a bee sting, certainly not lethal. So I’m wondering why a school in Gloucestershire insisted on closing due to a sighting of said spider? Any fucking excuse for a day off if you ask me. You don’t hear of Australian schools closing ever, and everything there is lethal and very ready to bite you on the testicles when you sit on the toilet! Shame on Dean School Chepstow, grow some balls!

On This Day

gloria-estefan-225.jpg.htmlNot a lot happened on the 27th October in years past, but Wallis Simpson is granted a divorce in order to marry the Duke of Windsor, thus changing the face of the monarchy in the UK.
On a stranger note, Gloria Estefan becomes the first pop artist to be called upon by a Pope to perform at the Vatican. Who knew John Paul II was such a groover!
So who died on this day? Remember Akbar the Great, the Muslim emperor of India, whom established a sprawling kingdom through military conquests, but is more widely known for his policy of religious tolerance, no you won’t, but how things have changed…
We also lost Æthelstan, the first king of England, other than that I didn’t recognise anyone.

Thank Fuck He’s Dead bu Stu

This week’s TFHS is Ronald Clark O’Bryan.
8067038_123624870762As we approach Halloween we will probably be subjected to a glut of phoney Facebook warnings, quoting apocryphal tales from “friends of friends” who all claim to know somebody whose snot-faced little bastards rosy-cheeked little cherubs fell victims to razor blades, rat poison or other hilariously deadly items secreted inside Halloween treats.
They’re all bollocks, of course. One tale that is true, unfortunately, is that of 8-year-old Timothy O’Bryan from Deer Park, Texas, who finished off his trick-or-treating in 1974 with a Pixie Stix that was more than just past it’s sell-by date. Suffering convulsions, he was taken to hospital where he later died of cyanide poisoning.
It didn’t take the police long to catch the murderer – Timothy’s own father Ronald. Deep in debt this class cunt decided to take out life insurance policies worth over $60,000 on his two children in order to claim the insurance money because, you know, that never looks suspicious, especially when they’re eight.
O’Bryan was executed in 1984 by lethal injection. During the execution, a crowd of college students wearing Halloween masks showed up to cheer as he took his final breath.
The song Candyman was written about this nomination for father of the year. That’s the one by Siouxie and the Banshees, by the way, not the song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Katy Perry (29), Ryan Reynolds (37), Kim Kardashian (33), Judge Judy (71), Snoop Dogg (42), Jeff Goldblum (61), Carrie Fisher (57), Keith Urban (46), Jaclyn Smith (68), Tom Petty (63), Cat Deeley (37), Hilary Clinton (66), Seth McFarlane (40), Viggo Mortansen (55), Kevin Kline (74), Nancy Cartwright (56), Carly Elwes (51), Weird Al Yankovic (54), Catherine Deneuve (70), Christopher Lloyd (75), Jon Heder (36), Jesse Tyler Ferguson (38), Ang Lee (59), Bill Wyman (77), Bob Hoskins (71), Spike Jonze (44), F. Murray Abraham (74), Pele (73) and Wayne Rooney (28).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 20th October 2013

Untitled-1Just a handful of vaguely familiar notables for you this week, but as always we’re bursting at the seems with amazingly interesting stories and a bunch of giggles and facts. Pretty much like the very recent plane crash in Belgium where ten skydivers, fully kitted out, died when the plane went down. Did none of them think if bailing out? Anyhow, without further ado, lets get on with it!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Cristina_FernandezFive days after undergoing brain surgery to remove a brain clot, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner proves she can still count to five and has been allowed home to recover. She’s under strict instructions to rest for a minimum of thirty days, hence why I’ve sent her a Pilates DVD and hired a personal trainer for her. Has anyone else noticed that Argentina has stopped being a pain in the arse since she became ill? Women in power eh? First Thatcher now this one… Back into the kitchen with all of you! *runs for the hills*

nnaziFor those of you who pay attention, you may remember former Nazi Erich Priebke from last week. There’s been a slight problem in putting his body into the ground as more than 500 people clashed with his hearse and Nazi sympathisers during his funeral in Italy.

Argentina, where Priebke lived for 50 years before being extradited to Italy to face charges for war crimes, have also refused to take his body even though he has a plot next to his wife there. Now ‘the man who followed orders’ is chilling in a fridge at an Italian airbase.  The Vatican, that shrine dedicated to paedophilia, has also issued a ban on interring him on Roman Catholic land, I wonder what will happen to ex-Pope Nazi Benedict when he dies? His family have demanded his body back but due to so many protests and even Germany itself being a bit scared of his rotting corpse, things are looking like this will be a continuing saga for some time to come. Maybe he should have shown some remorse and apologised…

michael-bay-transformers4622The Transformers director Michael Bay got himself into a spot of bother in Hong Kong last week. As the story goes he was twatted one in the chops by an irate shop owner for missing him out on the embuggerance fee for filming on their patch. The little Chinese man demanded over £8k for the privilege of filming in front of his shitty little shop, no doubt Bay told him where to go as he’s famously known to be a bit of a firebrand himself. Anyhow, it all came to blows, Bay was floored and three Police officers also needed hospital treatment. I’m wondering if this little Chinese man was Jackie Chan…

On This Day

Moammar-GadhafiSixty six years ago today Senator Joe McCarthy begins investigating Communists in Hollywood; 58 years ago The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien is published; 45 years ago Jackie Kennedy marries Aristotle Onassis; 35 years ago the rock group The Police make their debut performance in the US and lastly, Libyan dictator General Gadaffi is killed by rebel forces, ending nearly 42 years of his rule.  So who died on this day? The aforementioned Muanmar al-Quaddafi a mere two years ago! The 31st President of The United States Herbert Hoover (1964) and Burt Lancaster (1994).

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

Daniel-Camargo-BarbosaToday’s TFHD is Daniel Camargo Barbosa

Not the captain of the Black Pearl, this Barbosa was a Columbian who, in the seventies and eighties preyed on children, raping and murdering between 70-150.

Dismayed to find his lover, Esperanza, was not a virgin, he did what any other rational human being would and roped her into finding him young girls in order to drug and rape them. He told police after his arrest that he chose young virgins “because they cried”

Like an idiot, he failed to tie up loose ends and his fifth victim reported him to the police. After serving eight years for the rapes, he decided to add murder to his CV when he committed an impulse-rape whilst passing by a school.

His favourite trick was to pretend to be a lost old man, trying to find a church to deliver a large sum of money to. He would offer the girls money and the possibility of employment if they would help him find his destination. Upon entering the local woods “trying to find a short cut”  he would then rape his victim, before killing them and hacking, slashing and crushing the bodies with a machete, just to make sure they were really, really dead this time.

He was finally caught after going back to retrieve some television sets he was trying to sell, that he had accidentally left next to one of his victims (duh!) He was sentenced to 16 (sixteen!?) years in 1989, but thankfully somebody had the good sense to incarcerate him alongside the cousin of one of his victims, who did the world a favour and shanked him in 1994.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Marie Osmond (54), Zac Efron (26), Pam Dawber (62), Roger Moore (86), Sacha Baron Cohen (42), Suzannw Somers (67), Paul Simon (72), Angela Lansbury (88), George Wendt (65), Jon Favreau (47), John Lithgow (62), Flea (51), Wyclef Jean (44), Tim Robbins (55), Eminem (41), Nancy Kerrigan (44), Margot Kidder (65), Dominic West (44), Evander Holyfield (51), Jean-Claude van Damme (53), Martina Natratilova (57), Steve Coogan (48), Chuck Berry (87), Sarah Ferguson (54), Trey Parker (44), Ralph Lauren (74), Ernie Els (44), Jason Reitman (36), John le Carrê (82) and Sammy Hagar (66).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 13th October 2013

Untitled-1This week is full of deadly goodness for you my evil little poolers, we have points to be awarded and a new (hopefully) weekly section that is being written by one of our newest poolers, Vic. Please let her know your appreciation as writing for the Dead Pool isn’t an easy task. If anyone else has any submissions or ideas, please send them through.

So, onto the points!!! Yes, Erich Priebke, that very famous WWII SS Captain has died, thus giving Ashley his first points of the season and Dave even more points to widen the gap at the top of the table. Congratulations to both of you for scoring 50 points. That leaves only two of you yet to score with little less than two months to go but with both of you having Nelson Mandela on your lists, I’m sure we will have everyone scoring this year.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Tom-Hanks-Tom-Hanks-12227Tom Hanks has revealed he has Type II Diabetes due to being a fatty. Hard to believe since he looked like a Biafran in Castaway. The 57 year old actor say’s he’s managing things with diet and exercise. I’m sure we all wish him well, imagine a world without Tom Hanks films… Hang on… He should die for inflicting The Da Vinci Code on us!

451px-Cristinakirchnermensaje2010The Argentinian President, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has undergone surgery to remove blood from her brain following complications from a fall in August. To everyones surprise they actually found a brain hiding in there. This illness comes hot on the heels of her recent operation for thyroid cancer in 2011 which turned out to be a misdiagnosis, but there must be something going on if you ask me. Perhaps she should stop looking for a fight with us and start paying off her country’s debt.

Christopher Lee to get Bafta honourIn a sure death sentence, Sir Christopher Lee will soon be awarded the fellowship award from the BFI. The 91 year old iconic actor is said to be bemused, seeing that his 68 year career spanning over 200 films is finally being recognised after such young actors as Saoirse Ronan have already been awarded the prize after appearing in a handful of shit films. Well done old man, I’m sure the statuette will look good collecting bird shit at the bottom of your garden.

On This Day

nero1959 years ago today Nero was crowned emperor of Rome, two months shy of his 17th birthday, we all know how that panned out. Even worse was 90 years ago today, the US enforced the Volstead Act, prohibiting the production, sale and transport of alcohol! What were they thinking?? Luckily The Beatles appeared on Sunday Night at the Palladium 50 years ago today, thus launching Beatlemania and the stellar rise of the Fab Four. But who died on this day? Nobody interesting, just Ed Sullivan, Le Duc Tho and Milton Hershey.

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Vic

Joachim-Kroll1200This evil looking gnome is Joachim Kroll a German serial killer born in 1933. He was nicknamed the Ruhr Cannibal due to the fact he butchered and ate parts of his 14 victims as he claimed it was the best way for him to save money on his groceries when money was a bit tight! He obviously didn’t have access to value ranges! His favourite parts seemed to be slices of women’s buttocks! Finally arrested in 1976 officers found him simmering parts of his last victim, a 4 year old child called Marion Kettner in a pan, the rest of her was in his fridge.  Thankfully he died of a heart attack in prison in 1991.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Emily Deschanel (37), Simon Cowell (54), Sharon Osbourne (61), Matt Damon (43), Britt Ekland (71), Sigourney Weaver (64), Joan Cusack (51), Hugh Jackman (45), Jane Krakowski (45), Bruno Mars (28), Elizabeth Shue (50), Chevy Chase (70), Luke Perry (50), David Lee Roth (59), Paul Hogan (74), Scott Bakula (59), Daryl Hall (67), Tony Shalhoub (60), Thom Yorke (45), Stephen Moyer (44), Sean Lennon (38) and PJ Harvey (44).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 6th October 2013

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Welcome one and all to this week’s edition of The Dead Pool. Another slow week points-wise, but there is a few things to cover. Many have mentioned the death of Dawn Berry, who committed suicide at the age of 36 due to alcoholism and depression. Alas, the most popular contestant on Come Dine With Me doesn’t cut the mustard on the Wiki list, so she’s officially not famous enough so her death means even less. *gulps on his very sad glass of wine* All that I can think to say about that is “I outlived her! Ner!”

Look who you could have had:

In other news

PANews+BT_N0277911375800461062A_I1Some of you may have noticed that Bruce Forsyth was missing from his regular slot on Strictly Come Dancing last night. The old doddering fool has the flu apparently. I for one welcomed the sight of Claudia Winkleman for the first time ever, which goes to show how much I hate old Brucie. Let’s hope the old cunt dies and gives us all a rest from his three hundred year old ‘entertainment’ career. I really feel sorry for his wife, a former Miss World!! Imagine the horror of having Brucie on top of you firing his dusty white love piss into you. I can only liken it to being fucked by an Egyptian Mummy!! The horror…

anastacia

Not to be outdone by Angelina Jolie and Sharon Osbourne, Anastasia has followed suit toremove both her breasts. The 45 year old singer has previously survived a bout of cancer in 2003 and was thought to have had the all clear, alas her tits turned on her. As some of you know, I’m a boob man and this news is probably more devastating to me than to her. So please send your sympathies to me at the usual address…

thPhillip, The Duke of Edinburgh, is said to be in ‘rude’ health as he began his first official engagement since having his exploratory operation to remove his soul. The 92 year old will be undertaking a further 13 official engagements this October, but most of them are at Buckingham Palace, just to make sure he doesn’t over-exert himself.  However the old fart had to use a walking stick, this is a very good sign for us.

On This Day

2754533810_dba696725bThe 6th of October is renowned as the day that Charlotte Brontë published Jane Eyre, a mere 166 years ago, but this was overshadowed by Al Jolson starring in The Jazz Singer, the first ever talking movie in 1927, which wowed the audience of its day! So who died on this day? Alfred Tennyson (1892), W.K. Kellogg (1951), Anwar el-Sadat (1981) and Bette Davis (1989). It’s also been two years yesterday since Steve Jobs died. Doesn’t time iFly!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Gwen Stefani (44), Zach Gallflanakis (44), Kate Winslet (38), Jerry Lee Lewis (78), Susan Sarandon (67), Marion Cotillard (38), Tommy Lee (51), Julie Andrews (78), Eric Stoltz (52), Lorraine Bracco (59), Guy Pierce (46), Alicia Silverstone (37), Sting (62), Annie Leibovitz (64), Jesse Eisenberg (30), Neve Campbell (40), Chubby Checker (72), Lena Headey (40), Randy Quaid (63), Bob Geldoff (62), Karen Allen (62), Clive Owen (49), Liev Schreiber (46), Johnny Mathis (78), Monica Bellucci (49), Seann William Scott (37), Jackie Collins (76), Jimmy Carter (89) and Martina Hingis (33).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 29th September 2013

I’ll have to admit, today has been a bit of a struggle to find anything interesting at all. It seems that last week was bereft of notable deaths, unless you’re into unknown prelates or American sports, both of which I know nothing about. But I’m not one to baulk at the lack of material, if pushed I’ll make it up, after all, you lot never read this far, you just look at the pictures, but just to confuse you I haven’t added any this week 😛

Look who you could have had:

In other news

_h353_w628_m6_ofalse_lfalseMaggie Thatcher has finally been officially put to rest, or as some would say, thrown into the burning depths of hell.  Am I the only one wondering why it took five months to burn her body? I suppose all of Satan’s Minions are rather flame-proof…  She’s now in a small box a few feet underground at the Royal Infirmary in Chelsea if anyone is interested, perhaps it’s a good place to keep an eye out for the beginnings of the apocalypse.

www.wireimage.com (web site)

Our old friend Nelson Mandela is still hanging on, which makes my prediction that heonly had four days to go seem silly now. President Zuma seems to think he’s doing quite well, but no real news as he wants us all to respect his privacy and dignity. I can only imagine that he’s already dead with a machine keeping him alive, which posts an interesting question, do I award the points??

On This Day

After last week’s amazingness of interesting facts, this week is rather shit again. This day is renowned in history as the day that Pope John Paul II went to Ireland *yawn* and we also saw the deaths of W.H. Auden in 1973 and Roy Lichtenstein in 1997. Seems that this newsletter was destined for utter mediocreness since time began!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Gwyneth Paltrow (41), Will Smith (45), Naomi Watts (45), Michael Douglas (69), Catherine Zeta-Jones (44), Mickey Rooney (93), Avril Lavigne (29), Bruce Springsteen (64), Heather Locklear (52), Mark Hamill (62), Joan Jett (55), Olivia Newton-John (65), Serena Williams (32), Julio Iglesias (70), Ditta Von Teese (41), Michael Madsen (56), David Coverdale (62), Mira Sorvino (46), Bryan Ferry (68), Hilary Duff (26), Meat Loaf (66), Tom Felton (26), Jim Caviezel (45), Brigitte Bardot (79), Bam Margera (34) and Andrea Bocelli (55).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 22nd September 2013

Untitled-1No points yet again this week, with only 14 weeks left to go it’s all to play for. Perhaps it’s time to put on your thinking caps and decide who will be on next years lists. You all know how difficult it is to be at the top of the league table now, so you need to do some homework if you want to avoid being on nil points again next year. If anyone has any bright ideas to liven up the Dead Pool for 2014, see what I did there?, please let me know.

Look who you could have had:

In Other News 

7a1cb381-300e-3ef9-b681-71151a336b98Last week’s big news was the announcement by The Big Yin aka Billy Connolly that he’s had an operation for prostate cancer and has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. The operation on the 70 year old comedian’s arse was a total success, however, the Parkinson’s is here to stay. Ironic that his career first took off after appearing on Parkinson’s chat show, now it looks like it’s going to end with Parkinson’s too.

Stephen HawkingStephen Hawking has come out in support of assisted suicide, is he trying to tell us something here? Apparently not, he’s still an advocate of living life to the full regardless of whatever condition you may be suffering from, ‘there is still hope’, he opined. At 71 he’s been a stalwart of the Dead Pool for many years, initially only given ten years to live, fifty years ago! I would imagine his consultant got fired for that error. Perhaps he’s finally thinking of even deeper questions. Perhaps a good shout for next year?

_69901746_portwayHere’s a nice bloke for you to wish death upon, his name is Geoffrey Portway, a Brit living in the States. He’s just been jailed for 26 years for plotting to kidnap, rape, kill and eat a small child. Now, I’m not one to like paedophiles at the best of times, but this sad individual is even taking kiddie fiddling to a new level. Eating a kid? Really? Mind you, from the photo he looks like he could quite easily devour a small human.

On This Day

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????After last week’s disastrous new debut feature, I thought I’d give it another try, hopefully it will be more interesting today. September 22nd is mostly renowned for Abraham Lincoln issuing the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing all slaves in the US, but let’s be honest, that was janet-jackson-nipple-slip1151 years ago, we’re more interested in the comedy show Friends being first aired and CBS being fined $550k over Janet Jackson’s boob on live TV.  But who died on this day I hear you ask, George C. Scott (1999), Marcel Marceau (2007), Eddie Fisher (2010) and Irvine Berlin (1989). See, it wasn’t so shit this time..

Last Week’s Birthdays 

Faith Hill (46), Tommy Lee Jones (67), Prince Harry (29), Jada Pinkett Smith (42), Elvira Mistress of the Dark (62), Victoria Silvstedt (39), Mickey Rourke (61), Sophia Loren (79), Lauren Bacall (89), Adam West (85), Bill Murray (63), Jennifer Tilly (55), Liam Gallagher (41), Ricki Lake (45), Stephen King (66), B.B. King (88), Alphonso Ribeiro (42), Jeremy Irons (65), Twiggy (64), Lance Armstrong (42), David Copperfield (57) and Oliver Stone (67).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 15th September 2013

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A week full of unknowns, but I bet you’ve all sampled a wafer thin After Eight mint and I’m sure you all know about Dolby, even if you didn’t realise it was named after the inventor.  Goes without saying that we have nil points to dispense, so if you’re stuck there at the bottom of the league table, don’t feel bad, at least you’re not the subject of this newsletter.

Look who you could have had:

In other news

thRemember Bob Geldof? The architect of Band Aid and everyone’s favourite living zombie has revealed to the nation that he’s going to be the first Irish astronaut in 2014. Wonderful what money can buy you isn’t it. One would have thought Bob would have donated his millions to Africa, now it looks like he wanted our cash to fund his trip into space. Elvis may have left the building, but Bob is going to leave the planet, let’s hope he burns up on re-entry and scores us some points, the rich bastard!

tony-bennLeft wing politician Tony Benn has been admitted to hospital after ‘feeling unwell’. The 88 year old former cabinet minister is said to be resting comfortably and in no immediate danger of dying, so surely this means he’s only got days to live.

th-1I’m going to take this opportunity to declare the death of Microsoft. The once mighty giant of computing has practically admitted defeat in slowly firing its boss, pulling derogatory adverts about Apple because they were truly shit, and last but not least, offering consumers £200 vouchers if they will trade in their iPad’s for a Surface. Yes Microsoft, you have finally lost the plot.

white-dressAnd now for something a little different. I thought I’d try out a new feature, Died on this Day. Pretty much what the title says.  On the day that the picture of Marilyn Monroe trying her best to hold her famous white dress down was taken, we lost… well, nobody interesting.  If it was yesterday I could have mentioned Patrick Swayze (2009) and Grace Kelley (1982). But at least we discovered Penicillin 85 years ago on this day. Well, that was a bit of a failure wasn’t it….

Onto last weeks birthdays: Michelle Williams (33), Colin Firth (53), Pink (34), Hugh Grant (53), Harry Connick Jnr (46), Adam Sandler (47), Eric Stonestreet (42), Henry Thomas (42) Elliott from ET is 42!!! Linda Gray (73), Joe Perry (63), Rachel Hunter (44), David Arquette (42), Sam Neill (66), Stella McCartney (42), Moby (48), Virginia Madsen (52), Michael Buble (38) and Guy Richie (45).

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 8th September 2013

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Hello all, another Sunday is upon us and a massive hangover here too. So please bear with me as I struggle to compile this week’s newsletter whilst popping painkillers and drinking pints of water. Not much to report, nobody has scored anything in a while, so I’m contemplating sending out the flying monkeys.

Look who you could have had:

In other news

george-bush-snr-pic-rex-features-858484931George Bush Snr had a senior moment, he prematurely sent a condolence email about the death of Nelson Mandela. Bit trigger happy there Mr Bush, he’s still very much alive, unless you know more about it that the rest of us! Keep that email on ice for a few days though, you can use it again.

Jack-NicholsonThe Oscar winning actor, Jack Nicholson, has announced his retirement from acting. In a statement released last week the 76 year old admitted he can no longer remember his lines. A great shame for such a screen presence, but as you know, people who retire usually die pretty soon after. Points anyone?

aids-advert-1980sHere’s a section of people to keep an eye on, for more than the usual reasons. US porn stars are falling foul of HIV, there have been five reported cases in the last few weeks and we all know that *insert ominous tune* AIDS kills you dead! I might have to undertake some research, for the dead pool you understand…

And finally, last weeks birthday’s: Beyonce Knowles (32), Keanu Reeves (49), Pippa Middleton (30), Charlie Sheen (48), Raquel Welch (73), Salma Hayek (47)!!!!, Damon Wayans (53), Michael Keaton (62), Lily Tomlin (74), Chrissie Hynde (62), Barry Gibb (67), Evan Rachel Wood (26), Gloria Estefan (56), Rose McGowan (40) and Idris Elba (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 1st September 2013

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Here we are again, Sundays seem to turn around as quickly as a Cameron u-turn.  So, what’s happening in the world? Not a lot, some people died in Syria and nobody really gives a fuck, Miley Cyrus sluts herself on stage with Beetlejuice ands the world goes bonkers. Sadly the UK government have voted against sending the armed forces into Cyrus, which I’m sure she’d enjoy. I just feel for her dad, I bet he has an achy breaky heart when he sees how his daughter has turned out, maybe she’ll do something nice for his 52nd birthday, like cutting his hair, can’t be made much worse now can it?

And lo I wake up to the news that Sir David Frost has died, surprisingly, nobody had him, but it did mean I had to spend my breakfast time rewriting, the inconsiderate bastard! He could have waited a few more hours or at least die on a Saturday evening!

Look who you could have had:

In other news

Mike-TysonMike Tyson has finally admitted to himself that he has problems. Tyson told ESPN that he’s close to dying due to alcohol and drug abuse. The 47 year old ex-boxing champion and rapist wants to live a sober life and at the time of the interview he’d been six days dry. Not bad for the man who beat Frank Bruno into mental illness and obscurity. Know what I mean Harry.

michael_douglas_zeta-jones_trennungMichael Douglas and Zeta Jones are taking ‘time apart’. Rumour has it they haven’t been seen together for over four months. After 13 years of marriage they seem to have finally realised they make a terrible couple. With the amount of illnesses they seem to have brought upon each other this may be bad news for us on the Dead  Pool, they might both recover. 🙁

2013-08-29T111959Z_1_CBRE97S0VHJ00_RTROPTP_2_CENTERTAINMENT-US-BRITAIN-SAVILE-ROLFHARRISIn another crushing blow to everyones childhood memories, Rolf Harris has been officially charged with 13 counts of child abuse. I still cannot believe this to be true, but the strain of the whole thing could put the 83 year old ‘Animal Hospital’ presenter under undue pressure. He’s on suicide and heart attack watch. You would think The Queen would step in to save her longtime friend, but old Betty is keeping very quiet, especially since her friend Jimmy Savile got into the same pickle.

0,,3445727_4,00Nelson Mandela is still alive!!! Although my funny story about how he’s still in hospital had to be scrapped, the cunter decided he needs to go home. One can draw two conclusions from this. He’s feeling better and wants to go back to normality, or he’s going home to die. Now I’m not one to hedge my bets, but I’m going to give him four days!

Last weeks birthdays: Richard Gere (64), Macauley Culkin (33) still alive dammit!, Aaron Paul (34), Shania Twain (48), Sean Connery (83), Cameron Diaz (41), Billy Ray Cyrus (52), Jack Black (44), Claudia Schiffer (43), Van Morrison (68), Peter O’Toole (81), Leanne Rimes (31), Gene Simmons (64), Paul Reubens (61), Tim Burton (55), Elliott Gould (75), Warren Buffet (83), Chris Tucker (42), Elvis Costello (59), Rebecca DeMornay (54), Florence Welch (27), John McCain (77), Rachel Bilson (32) and Jason Priestly (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 25th August 2013

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Yet another week has passed by, so here we are again, trying desperately to find some humour in the deaths of slightly famous people. Again, this week has been a slow one, no points to award, but at least we can point and laugh at Robert Plant, who is now officially a pensioner who gets to ride the bus for free.

Look who you could have had:

In other news

benaffleck-batman-adictamente.blogspot (4)Obviously, the first story we need to cover is the confirmation of Ben Affleck being cast as Batman. Now, I’ve reviewed the rules and I have to say, no, you are not allowed to use him in next years lists because it’s a sure thing, someone will kill him before the film will reach production, and I for one will be supporting the action, even paying for it.   I’m sure a few of you won’t know what all the fuss is about, but the film is expected to be the retelling of Miller’s classic novel, The Dark Knight Returns, where an aged, jaded and bitter Batman tries to kick Superman’s arse. I wont go into details, but seriously, Ben Affleck???? No, no, thrice NO, just no!

Dick-Van-Dyke-Car-On-FireOur old friend, Dick Van Dyke had a lucky escape last week as he was rescued by a passer-by after he was found slumped behind the wheel of his car which caught fire on an L.A. motorway. Sadly he escaped uninjured but his Jaguar is now a burnt out shell. Poor Dick has been in the wars recently as you know, but he was also rescued in 2010 by a school of porpoises when he found himself adrift at sea on a surfboard. This man has a death wish!

f786ed9e-7982-3f5e-9cc4-c2ef2a669f52Watch out! Carol Vorderman is about! The 52 year old ex-Countdown genius has just completed her first solo flight in the skies above me. The old tart is hoping to fly around the world on her own, following the path of Emilia Earhart, and we all know what happened to her! Are we going to suggest that Vorderman will plunge into the Pacific during her attempt? Yup!

stonpon4The former ‘First Lady of Rock’, Linda Ronstadt, is no longer able to sing due to Parkinson’s Disease. Widely regarded as one of the best rock singers of the 70’s, even putting up with Aaron Neville for their hit song ‘Don’t Know Much’, is now struggling to walk. At 67 it’s hard to see a miraculous recovery for the once sexy singer, so keep her in mind for next year!

triple-beef-burgerFinally, I’ll mention the largely unknown Nicola Peate. You won’t know her but she’s a prime candidate for an early death. The 25 year old Social Media Manager managed to dislocate her jaw by eating a triple-patty burger. Yup, she broke her face trying to stuff it. Sadly, she’s from Ormskirk, I’d be slightly less disbelieving if she was American.

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Maybe we should get her to meet Saudi Arabia’s 96 stone fatty, who was moved by forklift from his home by royal decree. Mr Sharei is thought to be the second heaviest man ever recorded, well done that man, if you’re going to do it right, make sure you do it properly, or you’ll end up looking like this fat cunt on the right.

Onto the birthdays: Andrew Garfield (30), Amy Adams (39), Usain Bolt (27), Kirsten Wiig (40), Robert Plant (65), Carrie-Anne Moss (46), Ty Burrell (46), Robert Redford (77), Hayden Panettiere (30), Tori Amos (50), Bill Clinton (67), Steve Guttenberg (54), Rupert Grint (25), Christian Slater (44), Madeleine Stowe (55), Denis Leary (56), Matthew Perry (44), Edward Norton (44), Kim Cattrall (57), Don King (82), Kenny Rogers (75) and Roman Polanski (80).

2013 League Table

[Confidential] 

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 18th August 2013

Untitled-1Good afternoon Poolers, sadly our list of notables is a bit bare again this week, but those who died did so at young ages, so a huge sadness as a vast amount of points have gone down the swanney, plus they’re dead. I think we all missed a good contender in young Prince Friso, we all knew he had a slight mishap with an avalanche last year, but none of us picked him up for our lists. Tut tut, we must try harder next year!

Look who you could have had:

In other news

fidel-castroMuch to his surprise, an ours, Fidel Castro is still alive and celebrated his 87th birthday last week. Little did he know that seven years ago, when he transferred power to his brother Raul due to a fatal sounding stomach ailment, he’d still be hanging in there in 2013. A stalwart of the Dead Pool for many years, Castro remains one of those elusive names that just wont die, but you know he’s guaranteed to die the year you don’t include him in your list!

8c3874b1-aa37-3900-943d-7cb932d4e83dPrince Philip has appeared at his first public engagement since he left hospital, saying that it’s ‘a great pleasure to be back in circulation again.’ I’m sure it is Phil, although a few of us would like to see your circulation permanently stop. The 92 year old managed to hand out a few medals to some undeserving sorts who apparently did some good for their community, well done Phil, surely you should get back up on one of your horses or something, give us some points!

dcacc92e-4460-3f96-9a5c-a942033a98eeYou may have heard that R&B ‘star’ Chris Brown suffered a seizure last week, caused by stress whilst he was working in his studio it seems. His publicist claimed it was down to the “continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and nonstop negativity.” Well, if poor Chris wasn’t prepared for some negativity and a bit of hounding from the authorities, perhaps he should have kept his fists to himself rather than share them with Rhianna’s face. Just a thought…

Onto last weeks birthdays, the gorgeous Mila Kunis (30), Steve Carell (51), Magic Johnson (54), Ben Affleck (41), Halle Berry (47), James Cameron (59), Princess Anne (63), Natasha Henstridge (39), Madonna (55), Steve Martin (68), Hulk Hogan (60), Anna Gunn (45), Chris Hemsworth (30), George Hamilton (74), Mark Knopfler (64), Pete Sampras (42), Fidel Castro (87), Robert De Niro (70), Belinda Carlisle (55) and lastly, Sean Penn (53).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 11th August 2013

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Afternoon Poolers, deaths were a bit thin on the ground last week, I must have forgotten to send out my flying monkeys, although one did escape and got me a munchkin. Although many notable deaths were recorded, I for one struggled to find names I’d even heard of, luckily for us there is a whole hoard of news to be getting on with.

Look who you could have had:

In other news

elton-johnElton John, the man famous for having two first names, is recovering at home following surgery to remove his appendix. The 66 year old ignored the pain he was in for ten shows before he decided to seek attention. ‘I could have died’ he enthused to the gathered reporters, well you should have gone to the doctor nine shows ago you tit! Alas, he’s expected to make a full recovery in six weeks.

148165-george-w-bush-637x0-1Another hapless wonder recovering from surgery is George W. Bush. The 67 year old underwent a small procedure to insert a stent in a blocked heart artery. Everyone’s favourite ex-President is in high spirits and isn’t expected to die any time soon. Strangely his approval rating went through the roof when people were thinking he was going to peg it, the first time its been positive in his entire career.

Elmore-Leonard-575754-1-402Elmore Leonard, author of Get Shorty and Out Of Sight has been hospitalised following a stroke. The 87 year old is a fighter we’ve been reliably told and is getting better every day, which probably means he’s stopped dribbling into his soup and has started to slur at his nurses. Much like Andrew Marr, who’s now sadly recovering from his stroke.

f41d91db-dade-3a9e-8077-2375ee489220You may have heard that Dustin Hoffman has been treated for cancer. News is very sketchy on what kind of cancer he had but it was surgically removed and now the 75 year old is ‘feeling great’. Sounds quick and painless, must have been a brain tumour.  It’s also nice to see him pictured confirming that he does actually own a hand. Well done Dustin!

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 4th August 2013

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Welcome my morbid minions to another writing of the Dead Pool. It’s with a heavy heart that I announce that Kang, one of the most feared Klingons in Star Trek history, has died. Also, none of us had him on our lists, which is even more of a travesty! I might even make a whole list of Trek actors next year, they’re all getting on a bit, even Kirk, but I expect he wont die unless he gets a chance to over-act his own death.

 Look who you could have had:

In other news

images-1Case closed! Doctors looking for a problem in Dick van Dyke’s brain when he complained of head pain in April, should have been looking in his mouth. The 87-year-old Mary Poppins actor revealed on Twitter that his mystery illness, previously described by his agent as a neurological problem, was actually a side effect from some earlier dental work. “It seems that my titanium dental implants are the cause of my head pounding,” he tweeted. Thank god for that! This world isn’t ready to lose our foremost cockney accent aficionado.

simon-cowellI suppose you’ve all heard that Britain’s most eligible homosexual has managed to get some lass up the duff. Yup, Simon Cowell has got some talent in him. What makes this story slightly worse is that he’s been releasing his X-factor into a married woman! For shame Simon!! He’s released a statement saying that all will be clear in due course and we should be respectful of peoples privacy. Looks like he’s trying to play Simon Says!

So onto last weeks birthdays: Paul Anka (71), Arnold Schwarzenegger (66), Jean Reno (65), Laurence Fishburn (52), Lisa Kudrow (50), Christopher Nolan (43), Hillary Swank (38), Wesley Snipes (51), J.K. Rowling (48), Dean Cain (47), Coolio (50), Peter O’Toole (81), Wes Craven (74), Sam Worthington (37), Edward Furlong (37), Tony Bennett (87), Martin Sheen (73), Martha Stewart (72) and John Landis (63).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 28th July 2013

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Good afternoon Poolers, I hope you are all well and feeling better than a certain Spanish train driver. If you haven’t noticed, I’m back in the driving seat today and I’d like to thank both Liz and Sophie for their sterling efforts in keeping you informed and entertained about notable deaths by email. I’m sure they will never volunteer again as they now know how much work it is! As I haven’t updated the website for a couple of weeks, this weeks edition will cover my leave of absence as well, just for the benefit of those who are keeping abreast of things on there. So my apologies if I bore you to death or repeat what Liz or Soph mentioned over the last couple of weeks.

Look who you could have had:

In other news

th-4I’m sure you haven’t missed the train crash in Santiago de Compostela. For those of you who have seen the CCTV footage it’s easy to see that the driver was going too fast. Perhaps we should keep an eye on Fransisco Jose Garzon for suicidal tendencies, I’d certainly feel bad if I had just killed 80 people and injured hundreds more, although I wonder if he is famous enough for our purposes, he certainly wasn’t a week ago!

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Theresa May has revealed that she has Type 1 Diabetes. Although not a death sentence in itself, it does cause significant health worries for someone of her age. The 56 year old politician will now have to inject insulin twice a day and take great care of herself, but I’m sure that her hoard of immigrant slaves will ensure that she gets the best care, sorry, I meant to say NHS, not immigrant slaves.

th-5Of course, like the rest of the media, I can’t sign off without mentioning the new Royal Baby™. You can’t help feeling sorry for the rich little bundle of joy, his life will now be forever photographed and chased by those bottom-feeders known as journalists. Proud mum was able to push out little George with the assistance of a whole hospital and superdrugs reserved only for the elite. I’m sure she was able to have a cup of tea and a scone whilst the shoulders were passing through. It makes me proud to be British!

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 7th July 2013

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Welcome all, to another edition of the Dead Pool. Last week left us not in the mood for dancing as one of the most iconic afros of all time sadly died whilst he was electrocuted through his mouse whilst surfing for clowns that appeared in The Waltons. Who would have thought that this obscure turn of events would be so intrinsically linked to all the famous people who died during that week. The world certainly is a strange place!

For the next couple of weeks I’ll be taking a sabbatical from writing the Dead Pool, but fear not, I have lined up a couple of guest writers for you. So be kind and thankful to Liz and Sophie, who graciously answered my cries for help. They will either make me look like a complete amateur or end up tearing their hair out like I do most weekends.

Look who you could have had:

In other news

GazzaGazza seems to be falling off the rails once again, he was arrested for being drunk and allegedly hitting his ex-wife Sheryl. Nice one Gazza, great way to be the footballing hero you once were. Only a few weeks ago he promised the nation to quit drinking and mend his ways, looks like his personal demons are not going away any time soon, which leaves us with the possibility that the 46 year old alcoholic will make a good Maverick.  Sadly we might also need to keep an eye on Sheryl, you never know what he’s capable of…

Talking about football, you may have heard of the occurrence in Brazil where the referee stabbed a player for not accepting a red card. Then in an orgy of retaliatory violence the referee was stoned to death, quartered and beheaded with the fans leaving his head on a stake in the middle of the ground.  Well, I think the Premiership could do with something like this, it would certainly make those pansy’s earn their money with the threat of death hanging over them for falling over after feeling a gust of wind going by them.

4444Jeremy Bowen, the BBC reporter has been shot whilst covering the events in Egypt. He’s taken some shot to the head and leg, not very serious but still highlights the dangers that overseas reporters face. Here’s an interesting fact for you, last year 89 journalists were killed, 79 arrested, 1993 journalists threatened or physically attacked, 38 journalists kidnapped, 73 journalists fled their country, 6 media assistants killed, 47 netizens and citizen-journalists killed, and 144 bloggers and netizens arrested.  Maybe you should seriously think of a list consisting of journos next year, looks like it’s easy pickings.

I hear you demanding to know who’s had a birthday last week, well… Lindsey Lohan (27), Sylvester Stallone (67), Tom Cruise (51), Edie Falco (50), Larry David (66), Dalai Lama (78), 50 Cent (38), Ashley Tisdale (28), Dan Aykroyd (61), Debbie Harry (68) 68? 68!!, Liv Tyler (38), Mike Tyson (47), Huey Lewis (63), Carl Lewis (52), Jerry Hall (57), George W. Bush (67), Missy Elliott (42), Geoffrey Rush (62), Cheryl Cole (30), Nancy Reagan (92) still alive! Ned Beatty (76),  Bill Withers (75), Yeardley Smith (49), yes, Lisa Simpson is nearly 50!!!

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!