Dead Pool 15th December 2013
Here we are again, where does the time go? No points to award this week but with little over two weeks left to go, I’m hoping for a late surge of point scoring. I wont moan at you to get your lists in just yet, but please remember to work on them, the more of you that join in the greater the hilarity will be. Try to think outside the box, all of the lists looking the same also begets a boring year. Try to find those young cancer sufferers or potential drug overdoses for example, the younger they are at time of death the more points you will get!
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Don Mitchell, 70, American actor (Ironside, I Dream of Jeannie, CHiPs).
- Eleanor Parker, 91, American actress (The Sound of Music, Detective Story), pneumonia.
- Audrey Totter, 95, American actress (Medical Center).
- Jang Sung-taek, 67, North Korean politician, Vice-Chairman of the National Defence Commission (2010–2013), executed.
- Wyn Roberts, Baron Roberts of Conwy, 83, Welsh politician, MP for Conwy (1970–1997).
In Other News
Things aren’t going well for N-Dubz, a couple of weeks ago Dappy got kicked in the face by a horse, now we have Tulisa Contostavlos being charged with supplying class A drugs! The singer and former X Factor judge must be finding times hard if she has to peddle some cocaine, perhaps she should have found more discerning customers other than a Sun journalist, maybe Nigella Lawson. Looks like she’ll be going down because she’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, so a stint in a class A prison might be enough to send the only musical member of N-Dubz to suicide?
If you are struggling with your Dead Pool list, worry not, you might not have to complete one. Apparently the super volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park has been found to be nearly three times larger than originally thought and well overdue for a little bang. They now estimate that the cavern is around 55 miles in diameter and should it decide to explode, it would decimate the entire North American Continent and bugger up the climate for the rest of us. The only saving grace is the fact that it is in America, it has blown before but the rest of us survived, so happy days!
I suppose we cannot continue without mentioning the Mandela Mourning Period. Of course, such a great man deserves all the honours a country can bestow upon him, he is after all the modern day Gandhi.
But the media, rather than celebrating the life of the man himself, have taken it upon themselves to concentrate upon other things, like the well hired Thamsanqa Jantjie, the slightly bonkers sign language interpreter who can’t sign for toffee, turns out he’s also a violent schizophrenic with a criminal history. You have to admire the guys cajones, a lesser man wouldn’t have the balls to stand at one of the worlds most televised moments in modern history and wing it! Less said about him the better.
We also have Desmond Tutu, moaning that he wasn’t invited. Well, I’m sure that the millions of others that attended weren’t invited either mate, so stop spitting out your dummy and man up! I doubt anybody would have checked the guest list, you’re fucking Desmond Tutu!
They also pounced upon the Obama, Cameron and Schmidt selfie. Both men swooped on the chance of taking a picture with one of politics most attractive female representatives, much to Michelle Obama’s disgust, I’m sure Barak didn’t get his Presidential blow job that evening!
Not content with putting his foot in it once, Obama then shook hands with our old Cuban friend, Raúl Castro, oops! He must be taking advice from Prince Philip, but let’s be honest here, I bet he didn’t even recognise him.
On This Day
- 1791 – The United States Bill of Rights becomes law when ratified by the Virginia General Assembly, thus granting all Americans to bear arms and kill each other with impunity.
- 1890 – Hunkpapa Lakota leader Sitting Bull killed on Standing Rock Indian Reservation, leading to the Wounded Knee Massacre.
- 1906 – The London Underground‘s Great Northern, Piccadilly and Brompton Railway opens.
- 1933 – The Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution officially becomes effective, repealing the Eighteenth Amendment that prohibited the sale, manufacture, and transportation of alcohol.
- 1939 – Gone with the Wind receives its premiere at Loew’s Grand Theatre in Atlanta, Georgia, United States.
- 1970 – Soviet spacecraft Venera 7 successfully land on Venus. It is the first successful soft landing on another planet.
- 1973 – The American Psychiatric Association votes 13–0 to remove homosexuality from its official list of psychiatric disorders, the DSM-II.
- 1981 – A suicide car bombing targeting the Iraqi embassy in Beirut, Lebanon levels the embassy and kills 61 people, including Iraq’s ambassador to Lebanon. The attack is considered the first modern suicide bombing.
- 1675 – Johannes Vermeer, Dutch painter (b. 1632)
- 1878 – Alfred Bird, English chemist and manufacturer, invented baking powder (b. 1811)
- 1890 – Sitting Bull, Lakota-American tribal chief (b. 1831)
- 1944 – Glenn Miller, American bandleader and composer (b. 1904)
- 1962 – Charles Laughton, English actor (b. 1899)
- 1966 – Walt Disney, American animator, director, screenwriter, producer and actor, co-founded the Walt Disney Company (b. 1901)
Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu
My, oh my. And you thought Blackbeard was a cunt. Wait until you meet Francois L’Ollonais.
This is the guy who makes the Cyberdemon from the end of Doom look like a little pussy. From the age of fifteen he was an indentured servant in the Caribbean where he endured incredibly harsh conditions which no doubt fuelled his misanthropic leanings. At least it wasn’t his smothering mother this time.
Upon his release he moved to Tortuga (where they were just about to start filming Pirates of the Caribbean) and signed up with a ship load of bastards looking for a right old fucking time. I should point out that L’Ollonais wasn’t a pirate, he was a privateer- meaning he had free rein from the French king to do pretty much whatever the fuck he wanted to the Spanish, which he did with immense enjoyment.
Before long he had a crew of his own, an impressive won-lost record and a fearsome reputation for violence. When the governor of one of the Spanish Territories sent a team out to kill his crew and take him prisoner, our hero snuck up on them, killed all but one of their number and sent him back with a message vowing never again to show mercy on the Spanish.
His killing techniques were brutal as fuck, and probably could have made a terminator run crying to its mummy. He once tore out the heart of one of his captives, ate a piece of it and threw it in another prisoner’s face all before it had a chance to stop beating. He liked to dismember prisoners bit by bit, starting with the hands and working inwards in order to keep his victims alive as long as possible. He perfected the technique of “woolding” which, obviously, is the practice of tying rope around someone’s head, and tightening it gradually until their eyes burst out.
Unfortunately for him, his constant run-ins with his Spanish enemies eventually led to his undoing. Attempting a one-ship invasion of Nicaragua, he crashed onto a sandbar, and was captured by the Spanish. He did manage to escape – but ran straight into the open arms (and cooking pots) of the Darien tribe, who meted out some rough justice of their own, cooking him alive and eating him. Possibly with L’Ollondaise sauce.
Last Week’s Birthdays
Taylor Swift (24), Jamie Foxx (46), Judi Dench (79), John Malkovich (60), Nicki Minaj (31), Kim Basinger (60)!!, Dick Van Dyke (88), Teri Hatcher (49), Kirk Douglas (97), Ann Coulter (52), Steve Buscemi (56), Sinead O’Conner (47), Donny Osmond (56), Vanessa Hudgens (25), Ted Nugent (65), Jennifer Connelly (43), Beau Bridges (72), Dionne Warwick (73), Christopher Plummer (84), Kenneth Branagh (53) and Dominic Monaghan (37).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
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