Dead Pool 12th January 2014

Dead Pools Background

One week in and I’m already dispensing points! Yes, you may have heard that Ariel Sharon has finally been allowed to die by the Israeli government. Eight years in a coma, many years on peoples lists, I personally had him on my own list last year but gave up as I was convinced that the Israelis were going to keep him alive indefinitely. So, Rebecca and Paul C are up and running already, scoring 65 points each for correctly predicting his death and 50 points each for getting the first death of the season. Well done both of you!

I shouldn’t mention an excited Stu emailing me mid-week saying Mae Young has been reported dead, alas, after looking her up she was very much still alive, albeit no longer on life support. She looked like she was going to be the first death of the year and Stu was in line for a points bonanza, but as this game is a cruel beast, he’s still on a big fat zero and she’s having the last laugh!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

452304_1Seems that Germans can’t ski. Firstly we had Michael Schumacher falling off-piste and bouncing on his head, thus putting himself in a coma which is now into its second week. Now we have Angela Merkel keeling over and breaking her pelvis whilst attempting a cross-country ski in Switzerland. Sources report that she’s broken her pelvis on the left, rear part with severe bruising. In other words, she has broken her arse. Being a politician, she won’t be able to do any work now as all they do is sit on their fat arses making each other rich! Perhaps now is a good time to invade Germany… Or maybe not, as we don’t have an Army anymore since the Tories have been cutting away at our heroes. At least she’s still able to give us a Nazi salute, well done Angela.

water_Freezing_boiling_water-You may have heard of the big freeze in the US, although it’s a tad on the cold side, it hasn’t really affected any of our celebrities, yet. But in an amazing example of Darwinism in action, several Americans have been admitted into A&E with severe burns after trying out a simple stunt. Yes, throwing boiling water into freezing air to instantly create snow. But the majority of these amazingly intelligent Yanks failed to throw the water away from themselves. Yes, boiling water, even in cold conditions is still hot. Only in America!

99244Are you still alive? If so, pat yourself on the back as you have survived the deadliest week in the British year! More British people die during the first full week of the year than at any other time. But perhaps surprisingly, it’s not as simple as blaming the cold weather.  Britain has a 15% rise in deaths during that week but nobody knows why. I postulate it’s because everyone is trying out their New Years resolutions, going on a diet or trying some ungodly exercise, or even worse, quitting alcohol! You see, exercise and healthy consumption is bad for you, stick to the 40 a day and the two bottles of wine diet, you’ll be fine!

9645109224d293c9848f56e5b38dc4a48fd2b1ebFidel Castro has made a rare public appearance, his first in nine months. The 87 year old made a surprise visit to the opening of an arts studio on Havana. The old codger managed to walk into the venue with a stick but remained seated throughout the engagement. Sadly he did look rather spry for his age, but be heartened by the fact he couldn’t do a handstand.

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Not Alive to Eat Me! by Vic

1330904071_1360718874While randomly googling I’ve come across Lolong, the worlds largest captive crocodile.

Now I know it technically wouldn’t have eaten me in captivity but it was only caught a couple of years ago by some brave (stupid or suicidal) men who wanted it to stop eating fishermen and to help boost their tourism. (Which means it was free to eat who the hell he wanted beforehand!) Weighing in at a tonne and measuring 21ft I’m quite sure anyone strolling through the remote Philippine village wouldn’t have stood much of a chance at getting away if they met him!

Now unfortunately the townspeople of Bunawan didn’t really have a clue how to care for a crocodile and it died in February after eating a nylon cord and having the shits for 3 weeks. You would have thought they would have maybe called a vet at this point but they waited until it was floating upside down before calling one, by then it was too late and it was so long Lolong.

lolong-mayor-20130328The mayor of the town reportedly hugged the dying creature in his arms as he was so attached to him. (dickhead)

They are now hoping to stuff the crocodile and put him on display to keep the tourism going!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Bradley Cooper (39), Kate Middleton (32), Vinnie Jones (49), Nigella Lawson (45), Robert Duvall (83), Jemaine Clement (40), Rod Stewart (69), R Kelly (47), Pat Benatar (61), Norman Reedus (45), Mary J Blige (43), Nicholas Cage (50), Jimmy Page (70), Marilyn Manson (45), Kenny Loggins (66), David Bowie (67), Joely Richardson (49), Rowan Atkinson (59), Shirley Bassey (77), George Foreman (65), Dianne Keaton (68) and Lewis Hamilton (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

2 Responses

  1. chris aram

    How do i get a password to log on to the members area? am I being a bit thick?!

    January 12, 2014 at 22:25

    • You simply ask, like you did earlier 😀

      January 13, 2014 at 02:23

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