Let’s begin with awarding Ashley 66 points for correctly guessing that Denis Norden would finally climb that stairway to heaven. Well done that man! Norden used to be a very popular choice at one time, but like most dwindling celebrities, if they ain’t on the TV, people forget them. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Zienia Merton, 72, Burmese-born British actress (The Chairman, Doctor Who, Space: 1999).
• Walter Mischel, 88, Austrian-born American psychologist, pancreatic cancer.
• Albert Dryden, 78, British steelworker and convicted murderer, complications from a stroke.
• Celia Barquín Arozamena, 22, Spanish golfer, stabbed.
• Enzo Calzaghe, 69, Italian-born Welsh boxing trainer.
• Arthur Mitchell, 84, American dancer and choreographer, founder of the Dance Theatre of Harlem, heart failure.
• Denis Norden, 96, English comedy writer (Take It from Here), television presenter (It’ll Be Alright on the Night) and radio personality (My Music).  
• Chas Hodges, 74, British musician (Chas & Dave), organ failure.

In Other News

Former X Factor contestant Chico Slimani has suffered a stroke. The 47-year-old, who was a popular star on the second series of the show, fell ill on the way back from performing a ‘gig’ at the weekend, which was most likely a singalong down the pub. A statement from his publicist said he was undergoing further tests and asked for privacy for his family. He reached the quarter-finals of the 2005 series and had a number one in 2006 with It’s Chico Time. He also took part in Dancing on Ice in 2012. He appeared in the Christmas special of Ricky Gervais’s BBC One sitcom Extras in 2007, and also released a fitness DVD. Since then we assume he’s been selling kebabs from a roadside cafe. His publicist Kym Rowlingson said: “This has been a great shock to Chico, his wife and their two children, also his close friends and family. “We thank you in advance for giving Chico and the family some privacy at this time.” Which sort of suggests that nobody has tried to disturb that privacy as of yet…  

Bolton defender Stephen Darby has announced his retirement from football, aged 29, after being diagnosed with motor neurone disease (MND). Fully taking upon himself the mantle of Professor Stephen Hawking, Darby stated “I would like to ask for privacy at this time so I can adjust to the battle I have ahead and that I can spend time with those closest to me. I’d like to take the opportunity to thank my team-mates, manager and all the staff at Bolton for their amazing support at what has been an extremely difficult period,” he said. MND is a degenerative condition that affects how nerves in the brain and spinal cord function. There is currently no cure.  

Former EastEnders star Danniella Westbrook has said she will undergo a hysterectomy as she has been diagnosed with cancer of the womb. The actress and reality TV star, whose battle with substance abuse issues has been highly-publicised over the years, said she does not want to die and that she is determined to get better, but that she took cocaine to cope with the news initially. Westbrook, 44, said that her thoughts turned to her late friend Jade Goody, who died in 2009 from cervical cancer. She told Dead Pool Towers: “I’ve always said I am not scared of dying. But when the doctor said, ‘You have cancer’, straight away my thoughts turned to Jade and that I don’t want to die. I know I need to fight.” Westbrook said her mother was diagnosed with womb cancer 30 years ago, and that she is “still here” thanks to undergoing treatment on the NHS and that she will follow suit. She added: “They are taking me in in three weeks for a full hysterectomy. Before they take it out they won’t know to what extent the cancer has grown.” Westbrook said her doctors believe the cancer is “containable so I’m hopeful”. Westbrook, who rose to fame in the 1990s playing Samantha Mitchell in EastEnders, said the cancer was diagnosed by a doctor in Spain, where she lives, after weeks of heavy bleeding and being unwell. So, yet another immigrant coming into our country and using the NHS!

On This Day

• 1641 – The still undiscovered Merchant Royal, carrying a treasure of over 100,000 pounds of gold (worth over £1 billion today), is lost at sea off Land’s End.
• 1980 – Bob Marley plays what would be the last concert of his life in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
• 2002 – The first public version of the web browser Mozilla Firefox (“Phoenix 0.1”) is released.

Deaths

• 1889 – Wilkie Collins, English novelist, short story writer, and playwright (b. 1824)
• 1939 – Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist (b. 1856)
• 1994 – Robert Bloch, American author and screenwriter (b. 1917)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tom Felton (31), Billie Piper (36), Sue Perkins (49), Joan Jett (60), Ruth Jones (52), Nick Cave (61), Andrea Bocelli (60), Bill Murray (68), Stephen King (71), David Wenham (53), Ethan Coen (61), Ricki Lake (50), Alfonso Ribeiro (47), Jon Bernthal (42), Asia Argento (43), Sophia Loren (84), Moon Bloodgood (43), George R.R. Martin (70), Danielle Panabaker (31), Jeremy Irons (70), Jimmy Fallon (44), Twiggy (69), Victoria Silvstedt (44), Faye Reagan (30), Jason Sudeikis (43), James Marsden (45), Jada Pinkett Smith (47), Tim McInnerny (62), Cassandra Peterson (67), Bryan Singer (53), Baz Luhrmann (56), Bruce Spence (73), Bingbing Fan (37), Mickey Rourke (66), Amy Poehler (47), Jennifer Tilly (60) and Danny John-Jules (58).

Sadly, no movement on the scoreboard this week, it’s also a little bit quiet on the deaths side. We can’t have the likes of Burt Reynolds dying each week, unless we send out the monkeys of course… Fly my beauties!!!!! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Chelsi Smith, 45, American beauty pageant winner (Miss USA 1995, Miss Universe 1995), liver cancer.  
• Peter Donat, 90, Canadian-born American actor (The Godfather: Part II, Russian Roulette, The China Syndrome), complications from diabetes.  
• Fenella Fielding, 90, English actress (Follow a Star, Carry On Regardless, Carry On Screaming!), stroke. 
• Dudley Sutton, 85, British actor (Lovejoy, The Devils, The Pink Panther Strikes Again).

In Other News

A missing film star has been given a 0% “social responsibility” rating by Chinese authorities, fuelling fears she may have been detained by state officials. Fan Bingbing, who starred in the 2014 Hollywood film X-Men: Days of Future Past, came last in a ranking of 100 celebrities judged on their professional lives, charitable work and what was described as their personal integrity. The zero rating for Bingbing, China’s best-paid actor, comes four months after a Chinese TV presenter appeared to accuse the star of tax evasion. Although her studio denied any wrongdoing, Chinese internet users speculated the two were related.  China still uses the death penalty, some have speculated that Bingbing could be made an example of. Bingbing has not been since 1st July when she visited a children’s hospital, local media has reported. Her last activity on social media came on 23rd July, when she “liked” a number of posts. Of the 100 Chinese actors, singers and public figures in the report, only nine were judged to have “passed” by receiving a score of 60 per cent or more. It praised those who had become “relatively strong role models”, but highlighted cases where celebrities had caused a “negative” social impact. Xu Zheng, a Chinese actor who co-produced and starred in 2018’s Dying to Survive, came top of the list, while Hollywood star Jackie Chan, despite his well-known philanthropy, was ranked 42nd.  

Paralympian David Smith has revealed he faces losing his life if he chooses not to have a tumour removed that is crushing his spinal cord. The Scot has recently been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time and says he could be left paralysed below the neck if he goes under the knife. In 2016, the Paralympic rowing gold medallist, 40, was forced out of the Rio games due to a similar tumour. “I’m actually stood in hospital right now,” Smith told Dead Pool Towers. “I just got told 10 minutes ago that this aggressive tumour that I have is crushing my spinal cord again and if I choose not to have surgery then basically I’m going to lose my life and, if I make the choice of going for surgery, I might be paralysed from the neck down.””I just got told 10 minutes ago that this aggressive tumour that I have is crushing my spinal cord again and if I choose not to have surgery then basically I’m going to lose my life and, if I make the choice of going for surgery, I might be paralysed from the neck down.” Smith intended to take part in the Brazilian games as a cyclist and even delayed surgery on his tumour to give him a better chance of making the event. However, the threat of having his spinal cord crushed forced his withdrawal.  

Pyotr Verzilov, an activist with Russian protest group Pussy Riot, is reported to have been taken to hospital in a serious condition. Relatives speaking to the Meduza website said they believed he may have suffered poisoning but there is no official word on his condition.  He reportedly fell ill after a court hearing on Tuesday for fellow Pussy Riot activist Veronika Nikulshina. Mr Verzilov was one of the activists who invaded the World Cup final pitch. Ms Nikulshina told Meduza that Mr Verzilov had complained of losing his sight, “then the ability to talk, then the ability to walk”. She said that when he was admitted to hospital, an initial examination “didn’t turn up anything bad”, but that later doctors suddenly moved Mr Verzilov to the hospital’s toxicology wing. He has since been flown to Germany for specialist treatment. 

On This Day

• 1400 – Owain Glyndŵr is declared Prince of Wales by his followers.  
• 1959 – The first successful photocopier, the Xerox 914, is introduced in a demonstration on live television from New York City.  
• 1994 – The British government lifts the broadcasting ban imposed against members of Sinn Féin and Irish paramilitary groups in 1988.

Deaths

• 1498 – Tomás de Torquemada, Spanish friar (b. 1420)  
• 1701 – James II of England (b. 1633)  
• 1977 – Marc Bolan, English singer-songwriter and guitarist (b. 1947)  

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tom Hardy (41), Tommy Lee Jones (72), Oliver Stone (72), Prince Harry (34), Jimmy Carr (46), Brendan O’Carroll (63), Sam Neill (71), Andrew Lincoln (45), Walter Koenig (82), Amanda Barrie (83), Alfie Allen  (32), Ian Holm (87), Linda Gray (78), Virginia Madsen (57), Roxann Dawson (60), Amy Madigan (68), Johnny Vegas (47), Moby (53), Colin Firth (58), Guy Ritchie (50), Chris Columbus (60), Adam Sandler (52), Hugh Grant (58), Jeffrey Combs (64), Eric Stonestreet (47), Julia Sawalha (50), Rachel Hunter (49) and Michael Bublé (43).

Points!!!! Only Sylvia guessed that good old Burt Reynolds would cark it this year, so 68 well earned points to her. Well done!! We also found out that Dolores O’Riordan of Cranberries fame actually managed to drown herself when she was pissed in the bath. Seems to be a very Rock’n’roll way to die nowadays, just ask Whitney Houston’s family…. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Conway Savage, 58, Australian rock keyboardist (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds), brain tumour.
• Jacqueline Pearce, 74, British actress (Blake’s 7, Dark Season, Doctor Who), lung cancer.
• Bill Daily, 91, American actor (I Dream of Jeannie, The Bob Newhart Show).
• Rachael Bland, 40, Welsh journalist and presenter (BBC Radio 5 Live, BBC North West Tonight), breast cancer.
• Richard DeVos, 92, American salesman and billionaire, co-founder of Amway, complications from infection.
• Liz Fraser, 88, British actress (I’m All Right Jack, Carry On Regardless, Dad’s Army).
• Johnny Kingdom, 79, English wildlife filmmaker (Johnny’s New Kingdom), digger rollover.
• Burt Reynolds, 82, American actor (Smokey and the Bandit, Boogie Nights, Deliverance), heart attack.
• Mac Miller, 26, American rapper, singer and record producer, drug overdose.  
• Peter Benson, 75, English actor (Heartbeat, The Black Adder, Albion Market)

In Other News

Four-time Olympic champion Michael Johnson says he is recovering at home after suffering a “mini-stroke”. The American, 50, once the fastest man in the world at 200m and 400m, tweeted that he had a “transient ischemic attack” last week. “The good news is I’m back at home with my family, cleared of any heart issues and have already made great progress on my road to a full recovery,” he added. Johnson, a BBC Sport pundit, also won eight World Championship golds. He was the first man to win both the 200m and 400m at the same Olympics in Atlanta in 1996 and retired in 2000 after defending the 400m title at the Sydney Games.  

A far-right presidential candidate dubbed “Brazil’s Donald Trump” was left fighting for life after being stabbed in the street at a campaign rally. Jair Bolsonaro, a controversial congressman considered the frontrunner ahead of next month’s national polls, was knifed amid a crowd in the city of Juiz de Fora. “His internal wounds were grave and put the patient’s life at risk,” said doctor Luiz Henrique Borsato, who operated on the politician’s serious intestinal injuries. Police in the southeastern state of Minas Gerais have arrested a man over the stabbing, which took place as Mr Bolsonaro was being held aloft on a supporter’s shoulders. TV footage showed a knife being raised above the heads of the crowd and plunged into the candidate’s body, causing him to scream out in pain and fall backwards. The attack on the 63-year-old was a dramatic twist in what was already Brazil’s most unpredictable election since the country’s return to democracy three decades ago. Mr Bolsonaro has outraged many Brazilians with racist, sexist and homophobic comments, but he is leading the polls ahead of voting on 7th October. Mr Bolsonaro, whose trademark pose at rallies is a two-handed “guns up” gesture, has said he would encourage police to kill suspected drug gang members and other armed criminals with abandon. In 2016, he was convicted of inciting the rape of a female politician and he has also been fined for insulting women, black people and homosexuals. He once advocated beating gay children to “change their behaviour” as well as the forcible sterilisation of poor people, who he suggested were too uneducated to use birth control. Thankfully, there’s nobody like him in the UK… Oh….  

Elon Musk’s decline continues. Yet again he’s attacked a British diver he has previously accused without evidence of being a child abuser. Not only this, but he was recorded smoking weed on a radio program! Whatever next?? The latest controversy follows weeks of erratic behaviour on social media. In July he shocked investors by announcing on Twitter that he had funding secured to take his car firm Tesla private. He later said the firm would stay public. He also tweeted that he suffered from “great highs, terrible lows and unrelenting stress”. He also tweeted that he might suffer from bipolar disorder but then said “maybe not medically”. In August he told the New York Times that he worked “120-hour weeks” and took sedatives. His brother Kimbal Musk told us that the reason Mr Musk “seems to attract drama” is because he is “so transparent, so open, in a way that can come back to bite him”. Not that he’s a twat with too much money then…. 

On This Day

• 1504 – Michelangelo’s David is unveiled in Piazza della Signoria in Florence.
• 1888 – In London, the body of Jack the Ripper’s second murder victim, Annie Chapman, is found.
• 1966 – The landmark American science fiction television series Star Trek premieres with its first-aired episode, “The Man Trap”.

Deaths

• 1306 – Sir Simon Fraser, Scottish knight, hung drawn and quartered by the English
• 1933 – Faisal I of Iraq (b. 1883)
• 1965 – Dorothy Dandridge, American actress and singer (b. 1922)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Martin Freeman (47), Heather Thomas (61), Pink (39), Miles Jupp (39), Evan Rachel Wood (31), Toby Jones (52), Dario Argento (78), Julie Kavner (68), Chrissie Hynde (67), Doug Bradley (64), Idris Elba (46), Rose McGowan (45), Carice van Houten (42), Michael Keaton (67), Raquel Welch (78), Bob Newhart (89), Paddy Considine (45), George Lazenby (79), Damon Wayans (58), Beyoncé (37), Michael Berryman (70), Charlie Sheen (53), Jean-Pierre Jeunet (65), Pauline Collins (78), Keanu Reeves (54), Salma Hayek (52) and Keith Allen (65).

Surprisingly, we have a points scorer today! Dave J had Neil Simon, so 59 points awarded, which propels him to the top of the leader board!! We still have around four months to go with plenty of Certs and Women that have yet to score, so there is ample time and opportunity to catch up. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Neil Simon, 91, American playwright (Biloxi Blues, The Odd Couple) and screenwriter (The Goodbye Girl), Tony winner (1965, 1985, 1991), complications from pneumonia.  
• Rosa Bouglione, 107, French circus performer.
• Silvano Campeggi, 95, Italian film poster designer (Casablanca, Singin’ in the Rain, Breakfast at Tiffany’s).   
• Olive Boar, 113, British supercentenarian, oldest person in Britain
• Gary Friedrich, 75, American comic book writer (Ghost Rider, Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos, Hulk), complications from Parkinson’s disease.
• Vanessa Marquez, 49, American actress (ER, Stand and Deliver, Wiseguy), shot.

In Other News

Kirsty Young is to step down as host of Desert Island Discs due to illness. Young has presented the show since 2006 and said she would be temporarily stepping down after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, to be replaced by Lauren Laverne. “Casting away some of the world’s most fascinating people is a wonderful job – however, I’m having to take some time away from Desert Island Discs as I’m suffering from a form of fibromyalgia,” Young said. “I wish Lauren all the very best, I know she will be great. And I very much look forward to getting back to good health and back to work.” Fibromyalgia is a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body. As well as inducing severe fatigue, it can cause muscle tiredness, headaches and issues with digestion.    

It’s hard to imagine a worse way to wake up than catching a rat eating your foot. Unfortunately for Tottenham legend Gary Mabbutt, the nightmare became a reality while on a safari in South Africa. The 57-year-old woke to find his bed covered in blood and severe damage to his foot after the horrific incident at Kruger National Park in South Africa. Astoundingly, Mabbut claimed he couldn’t feel the rat chowing down on his toes due to a long career in football and type 1 diabetes. Mabbutt, who played 16 matches for England, was rushed home for treatment following the incident six weeks ago. “Unfortunately, due to the injuries through my career and some diabetes — I have very little feeling in my feet, so I’ve gone to sleep and during the night a rat has come into the bedroom, climbed into the bed and decided to chew on my foot. It made quite a big hole in my toe going down to the bone and ate underneath my foot so it became infected. I then got home quite quickly and then I was in hospital for a week and that was about, crikey, about six weeks ago now.” Due to treatment for an infection caused by the injury, Mabbutt has to visit hospital to get an intravenous drip for a few hours a day.    

Spice Girl Mel B says she’s entering a rehab facility to seek treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), we can only assume this is from her five tours of Afghanistan or being groped by Louis Walsh. The singer says the past six months have been “incredibly difficult” and claims she’s been drinking “to numb my pain”. The 43-year-old has been finalising her divorce from Stephen Belafonte, a relationship she says was abusive but the film producer was recently cleared of physically and verbally abusing Mel during their marriage. Mel tried to explain her reasons “Sometimes it is too hard to cope with all the emotions I feel. But the problem has never been about sex or alcohol – it is underneath all that,” she said. “No-one knows myself better than I do. But I am dealing with it. I love my three girls more than life itself.” The Leeds-born star said she was recently diagnosed with PTSD and was speaking about it because it’s a “huge issue” for lots of people. Earlier this month a US judge dismissed claims the singer had made against her ex-husband Stephen Belefonte. In court papers Mel B claimed that the film producer was abusive and that he’d threatened to destroy her career by releasing a sex tape! Although we wonder what career she’s actually talking about… After being cleared of the abuse allegations, a judge refused to grant restraining orders that the pair had both filed against each other. Mel B was ordered to pay her former husband £270,000 in legal fees and more than £3,000 a month in child support payments. 

On This Day

• 1192 – The Treaty of Jaffa is signed between Richard I of England and Saladin, leading to the end of the Third Crusade and thus declaring it a cake, not a biscuit. 
• 1666 – The Great Fire of London breaks out and burns for three days, destroying 10,000 buildings, including Old St Paul’s Cathedral.  
• 1752 – Great Britain, along with its overseas possessions, adopts the Gregorian calendar. Before this, nobody knew what day it was. 
• 1792 – During what became known as the September Massacres of the French Revolution, rampaging mobs slaughter three Roman Catholic bishops, more than two hundred priests, and prisoners believed to be royalist sympathisers. Ahh, the good old days! 

Deaths

• 1834 – Thomas Telford, Scottish engineer and architect, designed the Menai Suspension Bridge (b. 1757)  
• 1969 – Ho Chi Minh, Vietnamese politician, 1st President of Vietnam (b. 1890)  
• 1973 – J. R. R. Tolkien, English novelist, short story writer, poet, and philologist (b. 1892)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Lily Tomlin (79), Burn Gorman (44), Steve Pemberton (51), Barry Gibb (72), Gloria Estefan (61), Richard Gere (69), Chris Tucker (47), Todd Carty (55), Cameron Diaz (46), Michael Chiklis (55), Warren Buffett (88), Carla Gugino (47), Rebecca De Mornay (59), Elliott Gould (80), Lenny Henry (60), Jack Black (49), Brian Thompson (59), Billy Boyd (50), David Soul (75), Shania Twain (53), Aaron Paul (39), Peter Stormare (65), Paul Reubens (66), Barbara Bach (71), Reece Shearsmith (49), Melissa McCarthy (48), Chris Pine (38) and Macaulay Culkin (38).

As per usual, my lead story this week was John McCain stopping his treatment for brain cancer, alas he never made the week to star in his own pre-death article. However, both Louise and Douglas score 69 points each for his inevitable death. Well done both of you!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Barbara Harris, 83, American actress (The Apple Tree, Freaky Friday, Nashville), Tony winner (1967), co-founder of The Second City, lung cancer.  
• Ed King, 68, American Hall of Fame guitarist (Strawberry Alarm Clock, Lynyrd Skynyrd) and songwriter (“Sweet Home Alabama”), lung cancer.  
• Robin Leach, 76, British writer and television host (Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous), complications from a stroke.  
• Lindsay Kemp, 80, English choreographer and actor (The Wicker Man).  
• Stefán Karl Stefánsson, 43, Icelandic actor (LazyTown), bile duct cancer.  
• John McCain, 81, American politician and Navy officer, member of the U.S. Senate (since 1987) and House of Representatives (1983–1987), presidential candidate (2008), glioblastoma.

In Other News

The family of the late US musician Prince is suing his doctor, alleging he failed to properly treat the singer for an opioid addiction. A lawsuit filed in Minnesota, reported by ABC news, alleges that failures by Dr Michael Schulenberg played a “substantial part” in the star’s death. Prince died in 2016, aged 57, from an accidental overdose of the painkiller fentanyl, a powerful opioid. Dr Schulenberg has denied any wrongdoing. Earlier this year, prosecutors said no criminal charges would be brought over Prince’s death. But the family’s lawsuit, filed in Hennepin County District Court on Friday, alleges that Dr Schulenberg’s actions had played a part. “He failed to appropriately evaluate, diagnose, treat and counsel Prince for his recognisable opioid addiction, and further failed to take appropriate and reasonable steps to prevent the foreseeably fatal result of that addiction,” the lawsuit read. The family of the singer – whose real name was Prince Rogers Nelson – is seeking unspecified damages in excess of $50,000 (£39,000). Prince was found unresponsive in a lift at his Paisley Park Studios, Minnesota, on 21st April 2016. Evidence showed Prince had thought he was taking the prescription drug, Vicodin, when in fact he was taking a counterfeit Vicodin pill laced with potentially deadly fentanyl. Prosecutors said there was no evidence that the pills that killed Prince had been prescribed by a doctor.   

Britain’s Got Talent star Antonio Francis has died aged 54. The reality star, also known as ‘Popeye’, passed away after suffering a stroke. Antonio memorably appeared on BGT with his unique routine, which saw him popping his eyeballs out of their sockets in time with the music. Francis’s death was confirmed by his son Dan, who appeared on BGT also, as part of the band Luminites. On a GoFundMe page for his funeral costs, Dan said: ‘He had slowly been losing his memory a years prior and had been in out of hospital with minor stroke, high blood pressure, heart failure and other organ issues but we never knew the full extent of his illness as he wouldn’t ever say the real problem. Last week a family friend realised he had missed an appointment and knew something was up so went to check on him at his flat. When there was no answer the security opened my dad’s door and he was found unconscious on his bedroom floor. He was rushed into hospital where we were told he was in a coma and wouldn’t have much time left. We had worked out that he must have been in a coma for over 5 days so it was a miracle that he was still alive with no food or drink and having a stroke.” Sadly Antonio wasn’t famous enough for a Wiki listing.    

A man who managed to fight off a shark attack has now contracted a severe flesh-eating infection. Blain Shelton, from Texas, was swimming off the shore of Boliver Island in Galveston County when a shark bit into his leg. The 42-year-old managed to escape, but exposure to the seawater left him with a severe flesh-eating infection. Mr Shelton was admitted to hospital for treatment for the shark bite on his lower thigh, but after he was released the severe pain near the wound only worsened. Upon returning to hospital, doctors said that a flesh-eating bacterial infection was leading to his skin rotting away. “I’d heard there was bacteria in the water, I just never treated it serious,” Mr Shelton said. “But to tell you the truth, if you’ve got a scratch on your arm or your leg, I wouldn’t get in that water. And if you do, bring some alcohol with you to clean it the second you get out. It’s nothing to play with.” Mr Shelton is recovering in hospital and has amassed hospital bills of $30,000 (£23,350). 

On This Day

• 1346 – Hundred Years’ War: The military supremacy of the English longbow over the French combination of crossbow and armoured knights is established at the Battle of Crécy.  
• 1768 – Captain James Cook sets sail from England on board HMS Endeavour.  
• 1883 – The 1883 eruption of Krakatoa begins its final, paroxysmal, stage.

Deaths

• 1930 – Lon Chaney, American actor, director, and screenwriter (b. 1883)   
• 1974 – Charles Lindbergh, American pilot and explorer (b. 1902)  
• 1980 – Tex Avery, American animator, director, and voice actor (b. 1908)  
• 2004 – Laura Branigan, American singer-songwriter and actress (b. 1952)  
• 2017 – Tobe Hooper, American film director (b. 1943)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Alexander Skarsgård (42), Sean Connery (88), Rachel Bilson (37), Tim Burton (60), Tom Skerritt (85), Gene Simmons (69), Claudia Schiffer (48), Billy Ray Cyrus (57), Regis Philbin (87), Rupert Grint (30), Steve Guttenberg (60), Jared Harris (57), Dave Chappelle (45), Stephen Fry (61), Richard Armitage (47), Kristen Wiig (45), James ‘The Cunt’ Corden (40), Honor Blackman (93), Mark Williams (59), Ty Burrell (51), Valerie Harper (79), Hayden Panettiere (29), Carrie-Anne Moss (51), Kim Cattrall (62), Kenny Rogers (80), Amy Adams (44), Ben Barnes (37), Andrew Garfield (35), Jonathan Ke Quan (47), Demi Lovato (26), James Marsters (56), Misha Collins (44), John Noble (70), Ray Wise (71), David Walliams (47), Sylvester McCoy (75), Matthew Perry (49), Jonathan Frakes (66), Kevin Dillon (53), Jim Carter (70), Simon Bird (34) and Diana Muldaur (80).