Dead Pool 30th June 2013

From televisual archeologists and ‘chop-socky’ actors to celebrity photographers, this week is a rather muted affair. People you either knew well or have no idea who they are, which I suppose is usually the case. Again no points scored and sadly little news to report upon. However, there will be an upcoming opportunity for a guest writer or two as I will be working away for a couple of weeks, so if you are interested in taking over the Dead Pool for a weekend, please let me know. I think this would be a great chance to refresh my dull and boring ideas and perhaps get some more proactive involvement from the rest of you 😉

Look who you could have had:

• Elliott Reid, 93, American actor (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes), heart failure.
• Richard Matheson, 87, American author and screenwriter (I Am Legend, The Shrinking Man, The Twilight Zone).
• Mick Aston, 66, British archaeologist (Time Team)
• Lau Kar-leung, 76, Chinese Hong Kong martial artist, action choreographer and film director (The 36th Chamber of Shaolin), cancer.
• Bert Stern, 83, American celebrity photographer (The Last Sitting) and documentary maker (Jazz on a Summer’s Day).

In other news

Without doubt you have all heard that Nelson Mandela is critically ill, I doubt very much he will be recovering from this unfortunate relapse. An interesting fact is that he will score an astounding 1328 points in total should he pass away this year, with so many of you having him on your lists. You Ghouls! Some of you may have seen that the cunt that is called David Cameron was indicted in a Facebook viral that accused him of being a part of The Federation of Conservative Students that advocated that Mandela should have been hanged, sadly there is no evidence, although rumour is enough if you ask me. However John Berkow is a documented member of that society, make of that what you will. Just remember that Thatcher was a staunch supporter of apartheid and she is undoubtedly what Cameron wanks over most evenings, perish the thought!

Jackie Chan is the latest death hoax survivor, most social media outlets reported him dead last week, which was as much of a surprise to him as anyone else! He even went as far as to publish a photo of himself with the daily newspaper to alleviate his fans fears. I should remind you that Jackie is truly as tough as they come, he has survived all the ridiculous stunts he’s attempted and would most likely best Chuck Norris in a duel, I doubt a guy like him would succumb to death that easily, in fact I’d expect to see ‘Jackie Chops the Grim Reaper’ in cinemas soon.

Birthdays for the last week as follows: George Michael (50), he made it! Karen Jenkins (33), Mel Brooks (87), Kathy Bates (65), John Cusack (47), Ricky Gervais (52), Toby Maguire (38), Francis McDormand (56), Selma Blair (41), Gary Busey (69), Mick Feetwood (66), Carly Simon (68), J.J. Abrams (47) and Chris Isaak (57).

2013 League Table

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30th June 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 23rd June 2013

Welcome my morbid minions to another writing of the Dead Pool. Without doubt this weeks big news is James Gandolfini succumbing to a coronary at the relatively young age of 51. Unsurprisingly, none of you had him, although you would expect an Italian to manage a trip to Rome without keeling over from too much pasta and sunshine.

Look who you could have had:

• Mitsue Nagasaki, 113, Japanese supercentenarian, seventh-oldest person in the world.
• Michael Hastings, 33, American journalist (Rolling Stone, Newsweek, BuzzFeed), traffic collision.
• Slim Whitman, 90, American country singer-songwriter (“Indian Love Call“, “Rose Marie“), heart failure.
• John Hughes, 78, Welsh ceramicist, creator of Grogg.
• James Gandolfini, 51, American actor (The Sopranos, Where the Wild Things Are, Zero Dark Thirty), cardiac arrest.
• Lil Snupe, 18, American rap artist, shot.
• Allan Simonsen, 34, Danish racing driver, racing accident during 2013 24 Hours of Le Mans.

In other news

Murray Walker, the high octane Formula 1 commentator, has been diagnosed with cancer. The unfortunate 89 year old has a form of lymphatic cancer that was diagnosed during tests following a fall in which he broke his hip last month. Apparently they caught it early and are going ahead with chemotherapy. Good luck to the old codger but if I’m not very much mistaken, which I probably am, I’ll go out on a limb and say that he will see that chequered flag this year.

Alas I have to bring back Cunt of the Week. Without doubt it has to be Charles Saatchi for even thinking of raising a hand to Nigella Lawson. One has to ask what the hell is a pretty woman like her doing with a rich 70 year old misogynist, I’m sure it has nothing to do with his table manners. I’m sure you would all like to join me in wishing the old fuckwit unwell and here’s hoping he dies a miserable death so Nigella can have all that inherited cash for chocolate mousse, which I hope she films herself eating.  Other than throttling poor Nigella, the self styled ‘King of Brit-Art’ has a lot to answer for, making shit artists like Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin famous is enough for me, he really should have died in the 80’s.

The latest celebrity to get the death hoax is the great Alphonso Ribeiro, better known to most as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Seems a Facebook page set up to get sympathetic messages began the traction into the alleged demise of one of the most loved dancers of our generation. Luckily Alphonso is alive and well, but being American, who’s to say that the continuous diet high in fat and high fructose corn syrup, plus their despicable insurance led healthcare, could quite easily leave the 41 year old dead within a month for all we know…

Celebrity birthdays for the last week? Cindy Lauper (60), Nicole Kidman (46), Prince William (31), that makes me feel old, not as old as his bald head though… Meryl Streep (64), John Goodman (61), ripe for a heart attack; Brian Wilson (71), Lionel Richie (64), Kathleen Turner (59), Paul McCartney (71), Isabella Rossellini (61), Barry Manilow (70), Kris Kristofferson (77), Danny Aiello (80), Olympia Dukakis (82), Martin Landau (85), Salman Rushdie (66), so much for that fatwa, and Alison Moyet (52).

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23rd June 2013 | Categories: 2013 | 2 Comments »

Dead Pool 16th June 2013

Welcome one and all to a fun-packed edition of the Dead Pool. ‘What have we here?’ I hear you ask, points to be awarded?? Oh yes! The official oldest person on the planet has died, thus giving Paul E 34 points and Paul C, Emily & Dave who all had him as their Cert, a whopping 134 points each!! So this changes the leader board quite extensively, we even have a new leader! I don’t know about you, but if living to be over a hundred makes you look like our unfortunate pictured friends, I’d rather die in my 60’s thank you very much. Look at them! Kimura has lost all muscle use in his mouth, Kozak’s looks like she’s eating a lemon and fuck knows whats happened to Meizhen! We also saw that Iain Banks died of cancer, way too soon for our needs, he could have scored you 191 points if you had him as your Cert, I’m sure the literary world is devastated too, but for different reasons.

Look who you could have had:

• Iain Banks, 59, Scottish author (The Wasp Factory), gallbladder cancer.
• Rory Morrison, 48, British radio announcer and newsreader (BBC Radio 4), lymphoma.
• Luo Meizhen, 127?, Chinese oldest person unverified claimant, natural causes.
• Evelyn Kozak, 113, American supercentenarian, verified seventh-oldest person, heart attack.
• Sir Henry Cecil, 70, British racehorse trainer, stomach cancer.
• Jiroemon Kimura, 116, Japanese supercentenarian, verified oldest man in history, natural causes.

In other news

Ted Dwane, the bassist from Mumford & Sons was rushed to hospital with a blood clot on his brain, having undergone an emergency operation to remove the blood clot early last week he’s already out and recuperating. He’s said to be over the moon to now have conclusive proof that he does actually have a brain.

The Queen had to visit her 92 year old husband in hospital for his birthday. The Duke is said to be recovering well after his abdominal operation but is expected to remain in hospital for another week. Her Majesty had to undertake the Trooping of the Colour alone for the third time since her coronation, I’m sure she missed Philip’s racist remarks terribly.

National Treasure Stephen Fry fell foul of a hoaxer on Twitter trying to get a rise out of him. Some of you may have noticed the @AmandraBynes tweet wishing he died of cancer and some shite about throwing donuts at his house, but the real @AmandaBynes has a slightly different addy, not that our mild mannered wit noticed. If you feel like wasting a few minutes of your life, go see how many celebs have blocked the hoaxer already. Amanda Bynes might be a lot of things but a hater of Stephen Fry she most likely isn’t.

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16th June 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 9th June 2013

Afternoon poolers, yet another week has bit the dust, and so have a few more celebrities. Alas none that we needed to score those vital points, but now we’re over the halfway point, scoring is even more important. Don’t worry if you’ve still to score, six months is a very long time in this game. There’s a lot of news to get through this week,  so without further ado…

Look who you could have had:

• Graham Walker, 68, British comedian, founder of The Grumbleweeds, cancer.
• Esther Williams, 91, American swimmer (Billy Rose’s Aquacade) and actress (Bathing Beauty, Million Dollar Mermaid, Dangerous When Wet), natural causes.
• Tom Sharpe, 85, British author (Porterhouse Blue, Wilt), complications from diabetes.
• Richard Ramirez, 53, American serial killer, ‘The Night Stalker’, liver failure.

In other news

Michael Douglas spoke candidly about his throat cancer, he believes it came about from giving oral sex. Now, the first thing that came to my mind was, what the hell has Catherine Zeta Jones got down there? Some kind of cancer giving vampire vagina that bit him on the neck? Or is Michael actually telling us she’s actually a man and the constant deep throating has caused his oesophagus to turn on him? Either way, it doesn’t say anything nice about Catherine.  Maybe he should have blamed the smoking instead…

In the hospital this week are a whole host of celebrities.

Let us begin with Sir David Attenborough. The 87 year old naturalist had to cancel an engagement in Brisbane at short notice to have a pacemaker fitted. I wonder if they made a film about it? Maybe get a lion to rip him open and a gorilla to complete the operation. What am I thinking? It’s the NHS, that’s exactly what is going on anyway!

We also have the Duke of Edinburgh flat out on a slab having exploratory surgery on his abdomen, we’ve been told he’ll be in hospital for two weeks because of it. Sure signs if you ask me! The Queen didn’t seem too bothered though, she went on a jolly to the new BBC TV Centre and managed to photobomb a couple of newsreaders to boot.

Paris Jackson, the daughter of Michael Jackson was admitted into hospital after attempting to kill herself. At 15 she’s a huge potential point scorer, lets hope she tries again next year, she’s so going to be my Maverick! We all know the Jackson family are rather fucked up, looks like it hasn’t skipped a generation either.

Stephen Fry has also spoken about his bipolar condition and admitted that he had attempted to commit suicide last year by using pills and vodka. Now we all love the treasure that is Stephen Fry as much as we love David Attenborough, but I for one will be sending him a case of vodka the next time I see him throwing a spat on Twitter.

Last but not least is Nelson Mandela, things are not looking good for the old South African freedom fighter. Not only is he dying, his family are already fighting over their inheritance. A wonderful legacy to a man who spent half his life in jail to free a nation and they’re quibbling over who gets the TV and the sideboard, not to mention the hundreds of millions of rand he seems to have amassed whilst being in jail.

For those of you who are vaguely interested in celebrity birthdays, you can celebrate the following if you so wish! Johnny Depp (50), Natalie Portman (32) and Michael J, Fox (52). All surprisingly odd ages. I thought Depp and Portman were younger and Fox 60 or something, must be his illness, alas too old to be a maverick now….

2013 League Table

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9th June 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 2nd June 2013

Let me begin by apologising for the lack of a newsletter last week, alas my laptop died, none of you had it on your lists though, so no points to anyone! So this week should be a double dose of fun! I’m sure you’re itching to see who’s died…

Look who you could have had:

• Steve Forrest, 87, American actor (Dallas, North Dallas Forty, S.W.A.T).
• Phil Buerstatte, 46, American heavy metal rock drummer (White Zombie).
• Ray Manzarek, 74, American rock musician (The Doors), bile duct cancer.
• Eddie Braben, 82, British comedy writer (Morecambe and Wise, Ken Dodd).
• Richard Thorp, 81, English actor (Emmerdale).
• Mick McManus, 93, English professional wrestler.
• James Sisnett, 113, Barbadian supercentenarian, world’s second oldest man.
• Marshall Lytle, 79, American rock and roll musician (Bill Haley & His Comets), inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (2012), lung cancer.
• Jack Vance, 96, American science fiction author.
• Bill Pertwee, 86, British radio and television actor (Dad’s Army, You Rang, M’Lord?) and author.

In other news

George Michael has left hospital after he mysteriously ‘fell’ out of a moving car on the M25. According to reports his mishap occurred whilst he was trying to adjust the door. Following the accident the 48 year old singer was said to be lying in the road covered in blood and had to be protected by a conscientious mini driver who protected his prone body from being run over by other cars. I think George is an ideal candidate as a Maverick for next year, he’s terribly accident prone and seems to be on a death wish. He just scrapes in age wise and could be the next Amy Winehouse, albeit without the talent.

We’ve also heard that everyones favourite cross-dresser, Tim Curry, has had a stroke. The 67 year old actor, who is famously very private, has not disclosed how bad it is. One hopes he recovers sufficiently so we can continue to enjoy his thespian endeavours and perhaps to add him to next years lists.

More bad news on the Angelina Jolie frontage, her Aunt Debbie has died of breast cancer. Seems that Jolie’s decision to lop off her norks might have been a good one after all. I’m sure Jolie, 37, didn’t really want to see her boobies drift southwards anyway, especially if they became lumpy as well.

Lou Reed, the driving force behind The Velvet Underground is recovering after a liver transplant. The 71 year old singer was said to be as close to death as is possible to get. Reed is a well known alcoholic and drug user, so I’m wondering why they wasted a perfectly good liver on a deadbeat 71 year old who has abused his own liver to the point of death! I’ll tell you why, it’s so we can list him next year!

Shall I just mention the name Amanda Bynes. Make of that what you will.

2013 League Table

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2nd June 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 19th May 2013

Welcome yet again to the Dead Pool newsletter. As you will soon see, this week has been a slight disappointment on the deaths front, I’ll be honest and say I had only ever heard of Paul Shane and all he’s done is made me look towards Ruth Madoc and Sue Pollard as potential names for next year. It goes without saying that nobody has scored, but we can’t have every week a Margaret Thatcher now can we!

Look who you could have had:

• Kenneth Battelle, 86, American hairdresser (Jacqueline Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe), only hairdresser to win Coty Award (1961).
• Dick Trickle, 71, American NASCAR driver, suicide by gunshot.
• Paul Shane, 72, British actor and comedian (Hi-de-Hi!, You Rang, M’Lord?).
• Jorge Rafael Videla, 87, Argentine military general and politician, President (1976–1981), natural causes.
• Harold Shapero, 93, American composer and pianist.

In other news

As you may have heard, one of Hollywood’s greatest relationships has ended. Yes, Angelina Jolie and her breasts have gone separate ways. We have seen the breasts fall out a few times with Jolie, but it seems the final straw was a rumour that her breasts might be responsible for giving her future cancer. Obviously this malignant rumour was denied by the breasts, citing that there was a 16% chance that they’d not give her the Big C, but Jolie had had enough, so she had Kevin Spacey chop them off and deliver them to her husband in a box.  Jennifer Aniston is said to be over the moon.

Things haven’t been going well for George Michael either. The 49 year old singer was a passenger in a car when it went Wham into something, leaving the entertainer with a head injury and superficial cuts. I think George needs to stay away from cars if he intends to live, this is now his third accident and he had a close call with pneumonia only a couple of years ago. Surely a potential name for next year!

You may have also heard that the real Marge Simpson has died. Sadly for us, Margaret Groening wasn’t famous enough to make the Wiki dead pool listings, but as a matter of interest I thought I’d mention her death at the age of 94. What you may not know is that her maiden name was Wiggum. O_o

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19th May 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 12th May 2013

Welcome one and all to this weeks epic Dead Pool newsletter. Let’s begin by dispensing some points to Shân for correctly guessing that the former Italian president, Giulio Andreotti, would bite the bullet this year, that’s quite a mouthful if you’ve had a glass or wine or three. Well done to her for scoring 56 points, a boo hiss for the rest of us for missing out Ray Harryhausen!  Of course, ol’ Harryhausen has been a stalwart on some lists for years, but as is usual with this frustrating game, he’s been overlooked this year and without any consideration for us sickos, he’s only gone and died! Thanks Ray for entertaining us with your amazing stop motion skills, but you could have waited a few months…

Look who you could have had:

• Mario Machado, 78, American news anchor, journalist and actor (Scarface, RoboCop, St. Elmo’s Fire), complications of pneumonia.
• Giulio Andreotti, 94, Italian politician, Prime Minister (1972–1973, 1976–1979, 1989–1992).
• Diana Keppel, Countess of Albemarle, 103, British aristocrat.
• Ray Harryhausen, 92, American stop-motion animator (Jason and the Argonauts, Clash of the Titans).
• Bryan Forbes, 86, British actor (The League of Gentlemen), film director (The Stepford Wives) and screenwriter (Chaplin).
• Jeanne Cooper, 84, American actress (The Young and the Restless), short illness.

In other news

Some news from North Korea, our newish illustrious leader, Kim Jong-un may have escaped an assassination attempt. According to sketchy reports, Ri Kyong-Sim may have saved Kim from a dodgy traffic accident and thus getting herself awarded the highest honour that North Korea can bestow, the ‘Hero of the Republic’ award!

I’m sure Kim is very grateful to her, although I’m not sure how a small Korean woman would be able to stop a deadly vehicle from doing whatever the fuck it wanted, I can only assume she went all Schwarzenegger on it and managed to produce some kind of small missile launcher out of her chuff! Anyhow, Kim is still alive to tell the tale and ready to be included in next years lists.

Talking about Schwarzenegger, his son Patrick seems to be a bit of a cunt. Sources report that he managed to sneak into a nightclub whilst being underage and then proceeded to throw ice cubes at the DJ before being thrown out of the club ranting that he wanted to kill the DJ for some unfathomable reason. Seems the 19 year old needs to grow up somewhat, before some big muscly beefcake goes commando on his arse. A potential Sheen in the making??

We have also heard that The Queen has decided she’s too old to go on long haul flights, although it didn’t stop her jumping out of one during the Olympics. I don’t blame her really, the travel insurance alone must cost her a tiara each time she steps through an airport terminal door. Let’s face it, at 87 she’s at a huge risk of DVT, even on a personal jet, the last thing we need is her dying and allowing Charles access to the throne. I can just envisage him letting the power get to him and going all Joffrey on us, perhaps even shooting prostitutes with a crossbow at King’s Cross… Who knows…

Here are a few birthdays for you to wet yourselves over:

Gabriel Byrne (63), Burt Bacharach (85), Ving Rhames (54), Emilio Estevez (51), Malin Akerman (35), Catherine Tate (45) and Stephen Baldwin (47). It would also have been the gorgeous Katherine Hepburn’s birthday and George Carlin’s too, but they’re dead, so who cares.

2013 League Table

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12th May 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 5th April 2013

Good afternoon Poolers, yet another week passes and so do many more celebrities. Alas none that were on our lists, so no points awarded to anyone. So without much to mention I’ll plug the website once again and hopefully you can tout it to your mates in readiness for next year. I’m noticing that the visitor stats are a bit poor at the moment, most traffic coming from my Facebook page or my tweets, so shout it loud, be proud and promote http://koadeadpool.wordpress.com

Look who you could have had:

• Cyril Quigley, 106, British centenarian, oldest man in Northern Ireland.
• Mabel Richardson, 107, British television personality (Food and Drink).
• Deanna Durbin, 91, Canadian singer and actress (Three Smart Girls).
• Mike Gray, 77, American director, screenwriter (The China Syndrome, Star Trek: The Next Generation) and author, heart failure.
• Chris Kelly, 34, American rap artist (Kris Kross), drug overdose.
• Jeff Hanneman, 49, American guitarist (Slayer), liver failure.

In other news

Iain Banks has just returned from his honeymoon. The terminally ill author married his wife Adele after she gracefully accepted his proposal to be his widow. Banks wrote that he’s astounded by the outpouring of loving messages and support since he revealed to the world that he’s dying of cancer of the liver. It’s doubtful that he’ll survive the year, perhaps he isn’t one to keep an eye on for our purposes.

I’m not one to take mental disorders lightly, but I will mention that Catherine Zeta-Jones has voluntarily checked into a clinic to proactively treat her bipolar disorder. The Welsh girl done good seems to be worried about her marbles, personally I thought she was off her rocker marrying Michael Douglas, but she’s a millionaire, I’m a destitute waster, what do I know! I still don’t understand why she allowed his geriatric gentleman’s relish inside her, but there you go, each to their own, maybe you ladies can explain to me the attraction.

I suppose you have all heard that William Roache aka Ken Barlow has been arrested over allegations of rape. That deep hole of celebrity paedophiles seems to be getting deeper with some very surprising names popping up. But we can be assured that at least one man is now facing jail. Stuart Hall will be sentenced in June and I’m sure that he’ll find prison a rather horrible version of It’s a Knockout, perhaps we need to put him on suicide watch.

Few interesting birthdays for us to celebrate this Sunday:  Lance Henriksen (73), John Rhys-Davies (69), Michael Palin (70). Richard E. Grant (56) and Adele (25). Go pester them on Twitter or something.

2013 League Table

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5th May 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 28th April 2013

Unless you are a fan of Roman Catholic prelates or politics, or perhaps followed the horses, which of course are not allowed on the Pool, I’ll forgive you for not knowing anyone who died last week. Nil points all around.

Sadly a name you might not know but may remember from The Paul Daniels Magic Show is Hans Moretti. Unfortunately for him he’s dead at the age of 84, but also not famous enough to make the English version of Wiki. I remember him from the death-defying stunts he undertook in the name of magic, even subjecting his wife to a crossbow bolt aimed at an apple on her head. Truly a magician ahead of his time and one that scared me more than Doctor Who ever did. Thanks to Nickie for bringing him to my attention.

Look who you could have had:

• Nosher Powell, 84, British actor, stuntman (Willow, First Knight) and boxer.
• Richie Havens, 72, American folk singer and guitarist, heart attack.
• George Jones, 81, American country music singer (“He Stopped Loving Her Today“, “The Race Is On“), hypoxic respiratory failure.

 In other news

Anyone fancy a McDonalds? I’ve never been a fan myself, I think everything on their menu tastes the same and quite frankly feels like dog vomit in my mouth. But just to prove to you how bloody awful they really are, I stumbled upon this little story about a 14 year old burger that looked exactly the same as it did the day it was cooked. All I can say is YUM! Keep feeding that crap to your children, they might be preserved forever too!

Someone you might want to keep an eye out for next year is another child star,Edward Furlong. Famously the shittiest part of Terminator 2: Judgement Day as the sniveling young John Connor, he’s currently in and out of prison for various misdemeanors such as beating women and drug use. Could this be our new Charlie Sheen?  I wonder why Daniel Radcliffe seems normal compared to the American child stars? Perhaps Harry Potter is a magical exception to the rule.

And because I’m hung over, this is all for today.

2013 League Table

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28th April 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 21st April 2013

After last weeks heady high of Thatcher kicking the coal bucket and enough points to fill the vault of The Bank of Scotland, this week is somewhat of a damp squib. No points to be awarded, and to be fair, people that most of us will have never have heard of dying. I know you will all recognise the face of the man who was force choked by Darth Vader and you will also recognise the artwork of Storm Thorgerson, but I’m sure all of this weeks demises could have sat next to you drinking a cuppa in a greasy spoon and you would have been none the wiser.

Look who you could have had:

• Richard LeParmentier, 66, American actor (Star Wars, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Octopussy).
• Chi Cheng, 42, American bassist (Deftones).
• Storm Thorgerson, 69, British graphic designer, cancer.
• Quinton Hoover, 48-49, American artist (Magic: The Gathering).
• Sir Colin Davis, 85, British conductor, President of the London Symphony Orchestra.

In other news

Dick Van Dyke has been forced to cancel an appearance in New York over an illness. He was due to pick up a lifetime achievement award, an omen of an impending death if I ever saw one, for ‘Bettering Humanity Through Comedy.’ I can only assume this is for his cockney accent in Mary Poppins. It seems the super-fit 87 year old was warned against flying due to chronic tiredness and headaches. On the way out?

Ozzy Osbourne hit the headlines this week for admitting he’sbeen on an 18 month bender but has now been sober for 44 days. Sharon has left the family home, he’s now getting better. To be honest, I’d need to be on an 18 month bender to live with her too. On the obverse side of the coin, Ozzy’s daughter seems to be thriving, a dramatic weight loss and a new image has actually turned the emo plumper into a sex siren!

Another singer having problems with his health is Meatloaf. He had to cancel a concert in Nottingham this week citing ill health. He’s been struggling with his health for some time and this tour was going to be his last, but by the look of it he might not make the end of his own tour. Since none of us have him on our lists, lets hope he doesn’t find his way like a bat into hell too soon.

2013 League Table

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21st April 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 14h April 2013

I don’t know if you have heard as the media haven’t really been covering the story, but Margaret Thatcher died. I know, it came as a shock to me as well, I’d have thought someone would have mentioned it. Out of all of us, only five didn’t have her on our lists, most had her as the Woman or the Cert so there are points galore awarded, you will have to check the leader board to see the massive changes. Embarrassingly, I’m now leading the pack!

I could go on a massive tirade right about now as the legacy she left is continuing to be divisive and costly to our country, but after seeing the disrespectful parties etc, I’m less inclined to lay into her, after all, she was a human being (supposedly) and a mother.

There is a time and place to protest, I personally think that time is after she has been put in the ground.  I know, I think I have shocked some of you!

Look who you could have had:

• Neil Smith, 59, Australian rock and roll musician (AC/DC), cancer.
• Andy Johns, 62, British record producer (Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones).
• Margaret Thatcher, 87, British politician, Prime Minister (1979–1990); MP for Finchley (1959–1992), stroke.
• Greg Kramer, 51, British-born Canadian actor (300, On the Road) and author.

In other news

Dave mentioned that I had missed one of his people last week, which I did. Elsie Thompson died, forgive me for missing that one, but he also mentioned that one person on his list died in 2010, so with that I mind I took some time during the week to review everyones lists just in case.

So good news for some; Shan had Van Cliburn, whom I covered but I didn’t notice she had him, so points awarded. Paul C. had Damon Harris, another person I missed altogether, points awarded.

Bad news? As mentioned Dave had Hatsue Ono, who’s already dead and I also saw that Ceri had Gloria Stuart who had also died before 2013. Sorry guys, that’s just tough titties I’m afraid. Sorry I didn’t pick it up at the time but I was busy trying to get you lazy cunts to hand in your lists on time.

As you may have guessed, there is no other news this week other than Thatcher, but what is interesting is who isn’t going to attend her funeral due to ‘ill health.’ Namely Nancy Reagan, the wife of Ronald, the man who put the special into the special relationship. Rumours abound, but I’m sure they both had a shag, surely, just like Major and Currie, power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Also Mikhail Gorbachev is feeling too poorly to attend. Keep an eye on that one, these political ones die in threes. Another political adversary of Thatcher’s, Neil Kinnock, will not attend because he’s too busy. Apparently a Welsh councillor is having his funeral on the same day. Got to hand it to Kinnock, missing a massive party in London to attend a tiny wake in a Valleys pub.

Jim Davidson, one of Thatcher’s greatest supporters can’t attend because he’s facing charges of sexual assault in connection to Operation Yewtree. Amazing circles Thatcher kept. Luckily Jeremy Clarkson will be there to keep the flag flying.

Finally, Arthur Scargill will not attend, and who can blame him. Her and him had a bit of a falling out. But I will share this little snippet from The Independent with you because it made me smile.

Arthur Scargill, the former leader of the National Union of Mineworkers who clashed spectacularly with Lady Thatcher during the 1984/85 miners’ strike, has apparently responded to news of the former prime minister’s death. Friend Ken Capstick said he sent him a text message simply stating: “Thatcher dead”, to which the former union leader replied: “Scargill alive!”.

2013 League Table

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14th April 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 7th April 2013

Welcome one and all to the first newsletter of April! The months are running by quickly and many of us have scored well already, but don’t dishearten if you’re stuck on a duck, plenty of time to catch up.

No points to be awarded this week, unless I have missed something, but missing the oldest person in Europe was a gimme, you must all be playing the tactical points game. I suppose missing Roger Ebert, who famously had thyroid cancer, just goes to show how un-Americanised we all are, which is a good thing. I’m sure none of us would have missed Barry Norman if he was in the same situation.

Look who you could have had:

• Phil Ramone, 79, South African-born American record producer, aortic aneurysm.
• Maria Redaelli, 113, Italian supercentenarian, oldest verified living person in Europe.
• Milo O’Shea, 86, Irish-born American actor (Mass Appeal, Ulysses, Theatre of Blood).
• Jane Henson, 78, American puppeteer, co-founder of The Muppets, cancer.
• Roger Ebert, 70, American film critic (Chicago Sun-Times, Siskel & Ebert), thyroid cancer.
• Bigas Luna, 67, Spanish film director (Yo soy la Juani, Anguish), cancer.

In other news

Unless you were living on Mars, you will not have failed to see that Mick Philpott, the father who murdered six of his own children in a manic plot to try regain control of his welfare payments and his estranged wifelet got 15 years for his heinous crime. This is why I’m voting for him to be this weeks Cunt That Should’ve Died! Of course, 15 years for killing six innocents is woefully inadequate, we all know of instances of ‘justice’ being miscarried, but if you share a film online you face getting a stiffer term in jail than Philpott. I think we should also add the Daily Mail and the Tory party to the Cuntage too for suggesting that all large families on welfare are the same, but what do you expect of people so far up their own arses they could bite their own stone cold hearts. Luckily prison isn’t a nice place for child killers, perhaps we should remember to put Philpott on next years lists.

On a lighter note, South Africa’s saviour, Nelson Mandela, has improved somewhat and has been allowed to go home. Are we sure he’s going home to get better or have they simply put him on their version of the Liverpool Care Pathway? Let’s hope he has a few more months yet, we can still get the points in December.

As you know we don’t allow animals to be picked for our lists but I do sometimes include a famous animal in the newsletter if they pass away. Luckily this years Grand National race didn’t claim any horsy lives, but there has been plenty of uproar anyway. I don’t have a view either way, but if I was in a similar horsy situation, I’d much rather have to race a few times a year than end up in a dog food tin, or even a Findus lasagne. I know, these lame horse jokes are getting a bit stale… Anyhow, well done anyone who picked Auroras Encore at 66/1, just remember your amazing Dead Pool Newsletter compiler if you’re feeling generous.

A few celebrity birthdays for you to celebrate if you so wish to do so:

Russell Crowe (49), Jackie Chan (59), Francis Ford Coppola (74), James Garner (85), Wayne Rogers (80) and Ted Kotcheff (82).

I hope I can be as sprightly as Jackie Chan at the age of 59!!!

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next week peeps!

7th April 2013 | Categories: 2013 | 2 Comments »

Dead Pool 31st March 2013

Good afternoon one and all, welcome to another amazingly witty and stupendous edition of the Dead Pool. As you may already know, Richard Griffiths passed away last week, his was the only name amongst a vast horde of names that I believe anyone would know. I for one appreciated his role in Withnail and I, gave me the creeps and made me laugh at the same time. Unfortunately none of you sick bastards had him on your lists, even though you could see the strain on his heart increasing with each pie he ate and each film he appeared in. Let this be a lesson to you all, less pies, more wine, pay attention to portly celebrities as there are points to be had!

Look who you could have had:

• Don Payne, 48, American television writer (The Simpsons), bone cancer.
• Giancarlo Martini, 65, Italian Formula One driver, co-founder and co-owner of Team Minardi.
• Sir Michael Gow, 88, British Army general.
• Soraya Jiménez, 35, Mexican Olympic champion weightlifter, heart attack.
• Richard Griffiths, 65, British actor (Withnail and I, The History Boys, Harry Potter), complications after heart surgery.

In other news

Sorry, I have to mention Nelson Mandela again, his poor health has promptly put him back into hospital once more. His recurring lung problems seem to be giving him some trouble, pneumonia this time, but if we believe the media, and I’m not one to take their word, he’s doing well and actually breathing without assistance!  Go Mandela! Breathe the shit out of that free oxygen!  It can’t be long now, surely most of us will get the points windfall this year.

Those of you who favour world leaders, or in this case despot, should keep the North Korean leader in your sights. With the declaration of war between N.Korea and the rest of the universe it’s not going to be long until someone makes a tiny mistake. Pictured here, “Comical Kim”, the subject of many a food meme, was photographed examining a US mainland strike plan on Saturday. Someone ought to tell the fat little shit that Twinkies surviving a nuke is only a myth.

Our utterly useless musical friend, Justin Bieber has found himself in hot water again. He’s currently trying to ‘sing’ in Germany, but unfortunately customs and excise found him to be travelling with a monkey.  The Germans confiscated his new pet and refused to allow him to bring it into the country. Who said Germans have no sense of humour? What they should have done is confiscate Bieber and let the monkey sing, I’d have turned up to see that!

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

31st March 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 24th March 2013

Above are three faces that featured in my childhood somehow, from scaring me, giving me penile envy syndrome or making me laugh, I’ll let you decide who did what.

Luckily one of us guessed Frank Thornton would be sent to meet his maker this year, well done Nickie, 58 points to you and you’re up and running in this years Dead Pool! Nearly half of us have scored this year already, an amazing achievement seeing it’s only the end of March.

Look who you could have had:

• Frank Thornton, 92, British actor (Are You Being Served?, Last of the Summer Wine, Gosford Park).
• Bobby Smith, 76, American singer (The Spinners), complications of influenza and pneumonia.
• Harry Reems, 65, American porn actor (Deep Throat), pancreatic cancer.
• James Herbert, 69, English horror writer (The Rats).
• Gair, 7, Scottish English sheepdog, Dulux dog (since 2011), brain hemorrhage.
• Boris Berezovsky, 67, Russian business oligarch, government official and mathematician.

In other news

The Duke of Kent suffered a mild stroke last Monday, not the sexy kind either. His brain bubble isn’t thought to be serious, but who knows how these things affect 77 year olds. I’m sure you will all like to wish him well, until next January at least, seeing none of you have him on a list.  Things don’t seem to be going so well for the Royal family of late as his cousin The Queen has still not recovered from her bout of the shits either. I will now share with you a Jimmy Carr joke. “What do you get if you cross The Queen and Prince Philip?”      “A car crash in Paris…”

I thought I’d start a new feature with you this week, I’m going to call it “The Cunt of the Week That Should Have Died.” I suspect this will always feature something from the Daily Mail, like this weeks cunt without doubt is Richard Littlejohn, whose article about a transgender teacher led her to commit suicide.  With 104 references to homosexuality in 90 articles, one wonders if Richard is in fact hiding in the closet himself, so far back he’s in Narnia!

Things are getting a bit tight in the Gabor household it seems, Zsa Zsa’s husband has applied to get her house sold off to pay a $1.5 million loan he took out to stave off an infection to her feeding tube. So not only has she lost her leg she’s also going to lose her house. Luckily for her, the canny old bastard is making a deal that should see her in the house she has lived in for forty years for another three years, which sort of suggests he’s not holding out much hope for her.

In the world of birthdays we only have young un’s to celebrate today, namely Alyson Hannigan (39), Jessica Chastain (38), Lara Flynn Boyle (43) and Jim Parsons (40). I’m sure you would all agree that all the women would look great on my arm 😉

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

24th March 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 17th March 2013

Happy St Patrick’s Day to you all, unfortunately for the small list below, it isn’t so happy. But for one of our players, Stu, it’s a fabulous day as he correctly guessed that Clive Burr would peg it, so 96 points to you sir, well done, which instantly boosts you to mid-table.

I’d like also to clarify one small point, anyone who has selected ‘The Pope’ will now have their selection changed to Pope Benedict, not new bloke Francis, although I’m tempted to take bets on which one will die first.

Look who you could have had:

• Princess Lilian, Duchess of Halland, 97, Welsh-born Swedish royal.
• Peter Beard, 68, British television producer, creator of CiTV.
• Clive Burr, 56, British drummer (Iron Maiden), complications from multiple sclerosis.
• Malachi Throne, 84, American actor (Batman, Star Trek, It Takes a Thief).
• Norman Collier, 87, British comedian.

In other news

We have a senator in Oklahoma trying to ban the use of human foetuses in the food industry. To whit his bill reads;

“No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”

I don’t know about you but I’m a bit partial to baby and chips on a Saturday evening or even Sunday Roast Baby with plenty of gravy. We might have to change Soylent Green is people to McDonalds is babies! Perhaps it already is!

Our good friend Charlie Sheen has landed himself in a bit of bother following a Tweet asking his followers to daub his daughters former school in dog shit. Apparently he’s not happy with how they school responded to a spate of bullying his daughter suffered during May 2012. Nothing like a timely bit of revenge it seems…

A few birthdays to celebrate today, Gary Sinise (58), Patrick Duffy (64), Kurt Russell (62), and Rob Lowe (49).

And I can’t finish off the newsletter without mentioning the new Pope. A lot has been said about him looking a lot like Jim Bowen of Bullseye fame, I personally think he looks more like a sinister Nazi torturer, so pretty much like Bowen then.

I hope the Pope remembers that there’s nothing in this game for two kids in your bed. Yeah, lame, I know…

2013 League Table

[Confidential] 

Next week peeps!

17th March 2013 | Categories: 2013 | Leave A Comment »