Dead Pool 25th August 2013

Yet another week has passed by, so here we are again, trying desperately to find some humour in the deaths of slightly famous people. Again, this week has been a slow one, no points to award, but at least we can point and laugh at Robert Plant, who is now officially a pensioner who gets to ride the bus for free.

Look who you could have had:

• Lee Thompson Young, 29, American actor (The Famous Jett Jackson, Friday Night Lights, Rizzoli & Isles), suicide by gunshot.
• Elmore Leonard, 87, American novelist (Get Shorty) and short-story writer (Three-Ten to Yuma), complications from a stroke.
• Ted Post, 95, American director (Hang ‘Em High, Magnum Force).
• Sid Bernstein, 95, American music producer and promoter, brought The Beatles and The Rolling Stones to the United States.
• Gilbert Taylor, 99, British cinematographer (Star Wars, The Omen, Dr. Strangelove).

In other news

Obviously, the first story we need to cover is the confirmation of Ben Affleck being cast as Batman. Now, I’ve reviewed the rules and I have to say, no, you are not allowed to use him in next years lists because it’s a sure thing, someone will kill him before the film will reach production, and I for one will be supporting the action, even paying for it.   I’m sure a few of you won’t know what all the fuss is about, but the film is expected to be the retelling of Miller’s classic novel, The Dark Knight Returns, where an aged, jaded and bitter Batman tries to kick Superman’s arse. I wont go into details, but seriously, Ben Affleck???? No, no, thrice NO, just no!

Our old friend, Dick Van Dyke had a lucky escape last week as he was rescued by a passer-by after he was found slumped behind the wheel of his car which caught fire on an L.A. motorway. Sadly he escaped uninjured but his Jaguar is now a burnt out shell. Poor Dick has been in the wars recently as you know, but he was also rescued in 2010 by a school of porpoises when he found himself adrift at sea on a surfboard. This man has a death wish!

Watch out! Carol Vorderman is about! The 52 year old ex-Countdown genius has just completed her first solo flight in the skies above me. The old tart is hoping to fly around the world on her own, following the path of Emilia Earhart, and we all know what happened to her! Are we going to suggest that Vorderman will plunge into the Pacific during her attempt? Yup!

The former ‘First Lady of Rock’, Linda Ronstadt, is no longer able to sing due to Parkinson’s Disease. Widely regarded as one of the best rock singers of the 70’s, even putting up with Aaron Neville for their hit song ‘Don’t Know Much’, is now struggling to walk. At 67 it’s hard to see a miraculous recovery for the once sexy singer, so keep her in mind for next year!

Finally, I’ll mention the largely unknown Nicola Peate. You won’t know her but she’s a prime candidate for an early death. The 25 year old Social Media Manager managed to dislocate her jaw by eating a triple-patty burger. Yup, she broke her face trying to stuff it. Sadly, she’s from Ormskirk, I’d be slightly less disbelieving if she was American.

Maybe we should get her to meet Saudi Arabia’s 96 stone fatty, who was moved by forklift from his home by royal decree. Mr Sharei is thought to be the second heaviest man ever recorded, well done that man, if you’re going to do it right, make sure you do it properly, or you’ll end up looking like this fat cunt on the right.

Onto the birthdays: Andrew Garfield (30), Amy Adams (39), Usain Bolt (27), Kirsten Wiig (40), Robert Plant (65), Carrie-Anne Moss (46), Ty Burrell (46), Robert Redford (77), Hayden Panettiere (30), Tori Amos (50), Bill Clinton (67), Steve Guttenberg (54), Rupert Grint (25), Christian Slater (44), Madeleine Stowe (55), Denis Leary (56), Matthew Perry (44), Edward Norton (44), Kim Cattrall (57), Don King (82), Kenny Rogers (75) and Roman Polanski (80).

2013 League Table

[Confidential] 

Next week peeps!