Dead Pool 28th April 2013
Unless you are a fan of Roman Catholic prelates or politics, or perhaps followed the horses, which of course are not allowed on the Pool, I’ll forgive you for not knowing anyone who died last week. Nil points all around.
Sadly a name you might not know but may remember from The Paul Daniels Magic Show is Hans Moretti. Unfortunately for him he’s dead at the age of 84, but also not famous enough to make the English version of Wiki. I remember him from the death-defying stunts he undertook in the name of magic, even subjecting his wife to a crossbow bolt aimed at an apple on her head. Truly a magician ahead of his time and one that scared me more than Doctor Who ever did. Thanks to Nickie for bringing him to my attention.
Look who you could have had:
- Nosher Powell, 84, British actor, stuntman (Willow, First Knight) and boxer.
- Richie Havens, 72, American folk singer and guitarist, heart attack.
- George Jones, 81, American country music singer (“He Stopped Loving Her Today“, “The Race Is On“), hypoxic respiratory failure.
In other news
Anyone fancy a McDonalds? I’ve never been a fan myself, I think everything on their menu tastes the same and quite frankly feels like dog vomit in my mouth. But just to prove to you how bloody awful they really are, I stumbled upon this little story about a 14 year old burger that looked exactly the same as it did the day it was cooked. All I can say is YUM! Keep feeding that crap to your children, they might be preserved forever too!
Someone you might want to keep an eye out for next year is another child star,Edward Furlong. Famously the shittiest part of Terminator 2: Judgement Day as the sniveling young John Connor, he’s currently in and out of prison for various misdemeanors such as beating women and drug use. Could this be our new Charlie Sheen? I wonder why Daniel Radcliffe seems normal compared to the American child stars? Perhaps Harry Potter is a magical exception to the rule.
And because I’m hung over, this is all for today.
2013 League Table
Next Week peeps!
Dead Pool 21st April 2013
After last weeks heady high of Thatcher kicking the coal bucket and enough points to fill the vault of The Bank of Scotland, this week is somewhat of a damp squib. No points to be awarded, and to be fair, people that most of us will have never have heard of dying. I know you will all recognise the face of the man who was force choked by Darth Vader and you will also recognise the artwork of Storm Thorgerson, but I’m sure all of this weeks demises could have sat next to you drinking a cuppa in a greasy spoon and you would have been none the wiser.
Look who you could have had:
- Richard LeParmentier, 66, American actor (Star Wars, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Octopussy).
- Chi Cheng, 42, American bassist (Deftones).
- Storm Thorgerson, 69, British graphic designer, cancer.
- Quinton Hoover, 48-49, American artist (Magic: The Gathering).
- Sir Colin Davis, 85, British conductor, President of the London Symphony Orchestra.
In other news
Dick Van Dyke has been forced to cancel an appearance in New York over an illness. He was due to pick up a lifetime achievement award, an omen of an impending death if I ever saw one, for ‘Bettering Humanity Through Comedy.’ I can only assume this is for his cockney accent in Mary Poppins. It seems the super-fit 87 year old was warned against flying due to chronic tiredness and headaches. On the way out?
Ozzy Osbourne hit the headlines this week for admitting he’sbeen on an 18 month bender but has now been sober for 44 days. Sharon has left the family home, he’s now getting better. To be honest, I’d need to be on an 18 month bender to live with her too. On the obverse side of the coin, Ozzy’s daughter seems to be thriving, a dramatic weight loss and a new image has actually turned the emo plumper into a sex siren!
Another singer having problems with his health is Meatloaf. He had to cancel a concert in Nottingham this week citing ill health. He’s been struggling with his health for some time and this tour was going to be his last, but by the look of it he might not make the end of his own tour. Since none of us have him on our lists, lets hope he doesn’t find his way like a bat into hell too soon.
2013 League Table
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Dead Pool 14h April 2013
I don’t know if you have heard as the media haven’t really been covering the story, but Margaret Thatcher died. I know, it came as a shock to me as well, I’d have thought someone would have mentioned it. Out of all of us, only five didn’t have her on our lists, most had her as the Woman or the Cert so there are points galore awarded, you will have to check the leader board to see the massive changes. Embarrassingly, I’m now leading the pack!
I could go on a massive tirade right about now as the legacy she left is continuing to be divisive and costly to our country, but after seeing the disrespectful parties etc, I’m less inclined to lay into her, after all, she was a human being (supposedly) and a mother.
There is a time and place to protest, I personally think that time is after she has been put in the ground. I know, I think I have shocked some of you!
Look who you could have had:
- Neil Smith, 59, Australian rock and roll musician (AC/DC), cancer.
- Andy Johns, 62, British record producer (Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones).
- Margaret Thatcher, 87, British politician, Prime Minister (1979–1990); MP for Finchley (1959–1992), stroke.
- Greg Kramer, 51, British-born Canadian actor (300, On the Road) and author.
In other news
Dave mentioned that I had missed one of his people last week, which I did. Elsie Thompson died, forgive me for missing that one, but he also mentioned that one person on his list died in 2010, so with that I mind I took some time during the week to review everyones lists just in case.
So good news for some; Shan had Van Cliburn, whom I covered but I didn’t notice she had him, so points awarded. Paul C. had Damon Harris, another person I missed altogether, points awarded.
Bad news? As mentioned Dave had Hatsue Ono, who’s already dead and I also saw that Ceri had Gloria Stuart who had also died before 2013. Sorry guys, that’s just tough titties I’m afraid. Sorry I didn’t pick it up at the time but I was busy trying to get you lazy cunts to hand in your lists on time.
As you may have guessed, there is no other news this week other than Thatcher, but what is interesting is who isn’t going to attend her funeral due to ‘ill health.’ Namely Nancy Reagan, the wife of Ronald, the man who put the special into the special relationship. Rumours abound, but I’m sure they both had a shag, surely, just like Major and Currie, power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Also Mikhail Gorbachev is feeling too poorly to attend. Keep an eye on that one, these political ones die in threes. Another political adversary of Thatcher’s, Neil Kinnock, will not attend because he’s too busy. 
Apparently a Welsh councillor is having his funeral on the same day. Got to hand it to Kinnock, missing a massive party in London to attend a tiny wake in a Valleys pub.
Jim Davidson, one of Thatcher’s greatest supporters can’t attend because he’s facing charges of sexual assault in connection to Operation Yewtree. Amazing circles Thatcher kept. Luckily Jeremy Clarkson will be there to keep the flag flying.
Finally, Arthur Scargill will not attend, and who can blame him. Her and him had a bit of a falling out. But I will share this little snippet from The Independent with you because it made me smile.
Arthur Scargill, the former leader of the National Union of Mineworkers who clashed spectacularly with Lady Thatcher during the 1984/85 miners’ strike, has apparently responded to news of the former prime minister’s death. Friend Ken Capstick said he sent him a text message simply stating: “Thatcher dead”, to which the former union leader replied: “Scargill alive!”.
2013 League Table
Next Week peeps!
Dead Pool 7th April 2013
Welcome one and all to the first newsletter of April! The months are running by quickly and many of us have scored well already, but don’t dishearten if you’re stuck on a duck, plenty of time to catch up.
No points to be awarded this week, unless I have missed something, but missing the oldest person in Europe was a gimme, you must all be playing the tactical points game. I suppose missing Roger Ebert, who famously had thyroid cancer, just goes to show how un-Americanised we all are, which is a good thing. I’m sure none of us would have missed Barry Norman if he was in the same situation.
Look who you could have had:
- Phil Ramone, 79, South African-born American record producer, aortic aneurysm.
- Maria Redaelli, 113, Italian supercentenarian, oldest verified living person in Europe.
- Milo O’Shea, 86, Irish-born American actor (Mass Appeal, Ulysses, Theatre of Blood).
- Jane Henson, 78, American puppeteer, co-founder of The Muppets, cancer.
- Roger Ebert, 70, American film critic (Chicago Sun-Times, Siskel & Ebert), thyroid cancer.
- Bigas Luna, 67, Spanish film director (Yo soy la Juani, Anguish), cancer.
In other news
Unless you were living on Mars, you will not have failed to see that Mick Philpott, the father who murdered six of his own children in a manic plot to try regain control of his welfare payments and his estranged wifelet got 15 years for his heinous crime. This is why I’m voting for him to be this weeks Cunt That Should’ve Died! Of course, 15 years for killing six innocents is woefully inadequate, we all know of instances of ‘justice’ being miscarried, but if you share a film online you face getting a stiffer term in jail than Philpott. I think we should also add the Daily Mail and the Tory party to the Cuntage too for suggesting that all large families on welfare are the same, but what do you expect of people so far up their own arses they could bite their own stone cold hearts. Luckily prison isn’t a nice place for child killers, perhaps we should remember to put Philpott on next years lists.
On a lighter note, South Africa’s saviour, Nelson Mandela, has improved somewhat and has been allowed to go home. Are we sure he’s going home to get better or have they simply put him on their version of the Liverpool Care Pathway? Let’s hope he has a few more months yet, we can still get the points in December.
As you know we don’t allow animals to be picked for our lists but I do sometimes include a famous animal in the newsletter if they pass away. Luckily this years Grand National race didn’t claim any horsy lives, but there has been plenty of uproar anyway. I don’t have a view either way, but if I was in a similar horsy situation, I’d much rather have to race a few times a year than end up in a dog food tin, or even a Findus lasagne. I know, these lame horse jokes are getting a bit stale… Anyhow, well done anyone who picked Auroras Encore at 66/1, just remember your amazing Dead Pool Newsletter compiler if you’re feeling generous.
A few celebrity birthdays for you to celebrate if you so wish to do so:
Russell Crowe (49), Jackie Chan (59), Francis Ford Coppola (74), James Garner (85), Wayne Rogers (80) and Ted Kotcheff (82).
I hope I can be as sprightly as Jackie Chan at the age of 59!!!
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 31st March 2013
Good afternoon one and all, welcome to another amazingly witty and stupendous edition of the Dead Pool. As you may already know, Richard Griffiths passed away last week, his was the only name amongst a vast horde of names that I believe anyone would know. I for one appreciated his role in Withnail and I, gave me the creeps and made me laugh at the same time. Unfortunately none of you sick bastards had him on your lists, even though you could see the strain on his heart increasing with each pie he ate and each film he appeared in. Let this be a lesson to you all, less pies, more wine, pay attention to portly celebrities as there are points to be had!
Look who you could have had:
- Don Payne, 48, American television writer (The Simpsons), bone cancer.
- Giancarlo Martini, 65, Italian Formula One driver, co-founder and co-owner of Team Minardi.
- Sir Michael Gow, 88, British Army general.
- Soraya Jiménez, 35, Mexican Olympic champion weightlifter, heart attack.
- Richard Griffiths, 65, British actor (Withnail and I, The History Boys, Harry Potter), complications after heart surgery.
In other news
Sorry, I have to mention Nelson Mandela again, his poor health has promptly put him back into hospital once more. His recurring lung problems seem to be giving him some trouble, pneumonia this time, but if we believe the media, and I’m not one to take their word, he’s doing well and actually breathing without assistance! Go Mandela! Breathe the shit out of that free oxygen! It can’t be long now, surely most of us will get the points windfall this year.
Those of you who favour world leaders, or in this case despot, should keep the North Korean leader in your sights. With the declaration of war between N.Korea and the rest of the universe it’s not going to be long until someone makes a tiny mistake. Pictured here, “Comical Kim”, the subject of many a food meme, was photographed examining a US mainland strike plan on Saturday. Someone ought to tell the fat little shit that Twinkies surviving a nuke is only a myth.
Our utterly useless musical friend, Justin Bieber has found himself in hot water again. He’s currently trying to ‘sing’ in Germany, but unfortunately customs and excise found him to be travelling with a monkey. The Germans confiscated his new pet and refused to allow him to bring it into the country. Who said Germans have no sense of humour? What they should have done is confiscate Bieber and let the monkey sing, I’d have turned up to see that!
2013 League Table
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Dead Pool 24th March 2013
Above are three faces that featured in my childhood somehow, from scaring me, giving me penile envy syndrome or making me laugh, I’ll let you decide who did what.
Luckily one of us guessed Frank Thornton would be sent to meet his maker this year, well done Nickie, 58 points to you and you’re up and running in this years Dead Pool! Nearly half of us have scored this year already, an amazing achievement seeing it’s only the end of March.
Look who you could have had:
- Frank Thornton, 92, British actor (Are You Being Served?, Last of the Summer Wine, Gosford Park).
- Bobby Smith, 76, American singer (The Spinners), complications of influenza and pneumonia.
- Harry Reems, 65, American porn actor (Deep Throat), pancreatic cancer.
- James Herbert, 69, English horror writer (The Rats).
- Gair, 7, Scottish English sheepdog, Dulux dog (since 2011), brain hemorrhage.
- Boris Berezovsky, 67, Russian business oligarch, government official and mathematician.
In other news
The Duke of Kent suffered a mild stroke last Monday, not the sexy kind either. His brain bubble isn’t thought to be serious, but who knows how these things affect 77 year olds. I’m sure you will all like to wish him well, until next January at least, seeing none of you have him on a list. Things don’t seem to be going so well for the Royal family of late as his cousin The Queen has still not recovered from her bout of the shits either. I will now share with you a Jimmy Carr joke. “What do you get if you cross The Queen and Prince Philip?” “A car crash in Paris…”
I thought I’d start a new feature with you this week, I’m going to call it “The Cunt of the Week That Should Have Died.” I suspect this will always feature something from the Daily Mail, like this weeks cunt without doubt is Richard Littlejohn, whose article about a transgender teacher led her to commit suicide. With 104 references to homosexuality in 90 articles, one wonders if Richard is in fact hiding in the closet himself, so far back he’s in Narnia!
Things are getting a bit tight in the Gabor household it seems, Zsa Zsa’s husband has applied to get her house sold off to pay a $1.5 million loan he took out to stave off an infection to her feeding tube. So not only has she lost her leg she’s also going to lose her house. Luckily for her, the canny old bastard is making a deal that should see her in the house she has lived in for forty years for another three years, which sort of suggests he’s not holding out much hope for her.
In the world of birthdays we only have young un’s to celebrate today, namely Alyson Hannigan (39), Jessica Chastain (38), Lara Flynn Boyle (43) and Jim Parsons (40). I’m sure you would all agree that all the women would look great on my arm 😉
2013 League Table
Next Week peeps!
Dead Pool 17th March 2013
Happy St Patrick’s Day to you all, unfortunately for the small list below, it isn’t so happy. But for one of our players, Stu, it’s a fabulous day as he correctly guessed that Clive Burr would peg it, so 96 points to you sir, well done, which instantly boosts you to mid-table.
I’d like also to clarify one small point, anyone who has selected ‘The Pope’ will now have their selection changed to Pope Benedict, not new bloke Francis, although I’m tempted to take bets on which one will die first.
Look who you could have had:
- Princess Lilian, Duchess of Halland, 97, Welsh-born Swedish royal.
- Peter Beard, 68, British television producer, creator of CiTV.
- Clive Burr, 56, British drummer (Iron Maiden), complications from multiple sclerosis.
- Malachi Throne, 84, American actor (Batman, Star Trek, It Takes a Thief).
- Norman Collier, 87, British comedian.
In other news
We have a senator in Oklahoma trying to ban the use of human foetuses in the food industry. To whit his bill reads;
“No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”
I don’t know about you but I’m a bit partial to baby and chips on a Saturday evening or even Sunday Roast Baby with plenty of gravy. We might have to change Soylent Green is people to McDonalds is babies! Perhaps it already is!
Our good friend Charlie Sheen has landed himself in a bit of bother following a Tweet asking his followers to daub his daughters former school in dog shit. Apparently he’s not happy with how they school responded to a spate of bullying his daughter suffered during May 2012. Nothing like a timely bit of revenge it seems…
A few birthdays to celebrate today, Gary Sinise (58), Patrick Duffy (64), Kurt Russell (62), and Rob Lowe (49).
And I can’t finish off the newsletter without mentioning the new Pope. A lot has been said about him looking a lot like Jim Bowen of Bullseye fame, I personally think he looks more like a sinister Nazi torturer, so pretty much like Bowen then.
I hope the Pope remembers that there’s nothing in this game for two kids in your bed. Yeah, lame, I know…
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 10th March 2013
First of all, I’d like to share a web address with you http://koadeadpool.wordpress.com
As some of the more aware of you will notice, it’s a WordPress blog I’ve set up for the Dead Pool. Yes, it’s yet more work for me to do, but hopefully it will interest a few more people into taking part next year. So please promote the shit out of it, especially amongst your friends and followers who are not taking part.
So without doubt the big news today is the death of Hugo Chávez at the age of 58 which means a fuckload of points to be awarded, not least to me as I had him as my Cert! 192 points to me! Also winning like a Sheen is Bec, Jem and Cassie, all getting 92 points each. This drastically changes the leader board, which we shall see at the end of the newsletter, unless you are reading this on the blog, where our anonymity is slightly more important.
Look who you could have had:
- Magic, 37, American rap vocalist (Sky’s the Limit), traffic collision.
- Bobby Rogers, 73, American soul singer and songwriter (The Miracles), complications from diabetes.
- Gerald D. Klee, 86, American psychiatrist and LSD expert, involved in hallucinogenic drug research for US Army, complications following surgery.
- Hugo Chávez, 58, Venezuelan politician and military officer, President (since 1999), cancer.
- Lady Ginny Williams, 66, British racing owner (Williams F1) (1977–1988), wife of Sir Frank Williams, cancer.
- Kenny Ball, 82, English jazz trumpeter, pneumonia.
- Sybil Williams, 83, South African actress, first wife of Richard Burton (1949–1963).
In other news
T’Bieber has been a bit naughty hasn’t he. Turning up late for his concert and leaving all those pre-pubescent homosexuals and teenage daughters waiting in what I can only imagine to be a fervour of panty sweat and tears. Not only this, he even had a mild heart attack on-stage and passed out off-stage. I’m wondering if the cough syrup and weed is taking its toll on him, after all he is a poofter Canadian. When I was 19 I was quaffing bars dry and putting pounds of cocaine up my nose and I never missed a days work either, kids these days!
This week’s odd piece of deadly news; some guy in Berlin decided to kill his boyfriend and then slice him up into pieces and then cook his head. Now, I don’t know about you, if I was feeling a pit peckish for some long pig, I wouldn’t cook the head. Maybe a nice piece of buttock or perhaps a chop. Some people have no fucking idea!
Gazza admitted that he actually died whilst in rehab this time around, no, that does not mean you get your points, he’s got to be dead permanently! The raging alcoholic, who could teach Bieber a thing or two, is now dry again, but for how long? A three day coma, pickled liver, less than 50, OMG!!
We have some birthdays to celebrate today, the magnificently hard Chuck Norris is 73 years old today! Also celebrating a year closer to death are Sharon Stone (55) and Jon Hamm (42). Contenders for next year?
I’m sure I’ve bored you half to death already. so onto the leader board.
Next week peeps!
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