Dead Pool 7th December 2014

Afternoon all, welcome to this weeks edition of the Dead Pool Newsletter. Last week we saw the death of the Worlds Fattest Man™, who at his heaviest weighed in at a whopping 70 stone! How did he get this fat? Well, he would gorge on 20,000 calories a day – almost 10 times the recommended amount – by having six-egg fry-ups for breakfast then pizzas, kebabs, Chinese takeaways and Big Macs for lunch and dinner, all washed down with six pints of coffee, two litres of fizzy drinks and a wafer thin mint. Apparently he leaves behind two sisters who cared for him, if they cared that much they wouldn’t have fed so much shit to a bedridden fatty. Anyhow…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Bobby Keys, 70, American saxophonist (The Rolling Stones), cirrhosis.
• Ian McLagan, 69, English keyboardist (Small Faces), stroke.
• Jeremy Thorpe, 85, British politician, Leader of the Liberal Party (1967–1976), MP for North Devon (1959–1979), central figure in the Thorpe affair, Parkinson’s disease.
• Queen Fabiola of Belgium, 86, Spanish-born Belgian royal, queen consort (1960–1993).
• Jackie Healy-Rae, 83, Irish politician, TD for Kerry South (1997–2011).
• Keith Martin, 44, British record holder, formerly world’s fattest man, pneumonia.

In Other News

US President Barack Obama has briefly visited a Washington hospital for tests following a persistent sore throat, the White House says. Obama had experienced a sore throat over “the past couple weeks”, which appeared to be caused by acid reflux, his doctor said. Apparently he has undergone a fibre optic exam, followed by a CT scan, only for doctors to say that he’s got a bit of a sore throat. Toughen up you big girls blouse!

Sadly, the Brazil legend Pelé is showing further signs of improvement as he continues his recovery from a kidney condition. However the three-times World Cup winner still remains in “semi-intensive care” at the Albert Einstein hospital in São Paulo. Pelé, 74, only has one kidney, having had one removed towards the end of his playing career. So following an operation to remove stones from his remaining kidney, it seems to haves fucked him up somewhat. A video was posted on the former Santos star’s official Facebook page where he appeared in good spirits and was even playing the guitar. Maybe listing him for next year is a tad too premature.

Wilko Johnson says he has found it “difficult” coming to terms with still being alive after being told he had terminal cancer. The former Dr Feelgood guitarist, 67, was given 10 months to live after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, but was given the all clear in April. Johnson, who lives in Southend, says he now hopes to fulfil ambitions including playing with Bob Dylan, woo! Aim high why don’t ya! Johnson underwent 11 hours of radical surgery at Addenbrooke’s Hospital in Cambridge to take out a 3kg tumour. The operation also involved removing his pancreas, parts of his stomach, spleen and small and large intestines, so fuck knows how he’s still breathing!

Thailand’s revered but ailing King Bhumibol Adulyadej has cancelled an annual appearance to mark his 87th birthday on the advice of doctors. The world’s longest-serving monarch has spent most of the last few months in hospital as fears over his health mount. A team of royal physicians examined the king on Thursday evening and agreed that he is not ready to grant a royal audience therefore they have recommended he cancels royal activities. In October the king had an operation to remove his gall bladder after tests revealed it was swollen. He was last seen in public in early November, so he might be dead already as far as we know.

It has been pointed out that Rebecca Farnworth died of cancer last month at the age of 49. Who the hell is she? Well, some of you may have read her books as she was a prolific ghostwriter, mainly for that big boobed bag of gas, Katie Price aka Jordan. Katie lamented in The Sun that she was ‘terribly terribly sad’ to hear of her death, I’m sure she was, I bet she made millions from the talent of this particular writer. Sadly Rebecca wasn’t famous enough for our needs, so we do wish her the very best on her travels into the great unknown.

Devon and Cornwall Police say a weapon, believed to have been  owned by the notorious wife-killer Hawley Harvey Crippen, was one of 446 weapons surrendered to police as part of a gun amnesty. Dr Crippen, who was born in the United States, is believed to have used hyoscine to kill Cora at his London home before attempting to flee to Canada, so it seems that the tiny pistol is practically worthless anyway. Crippen was hanged at London’s Pentoville Prison in 1910.

A hundred brains have gone missing in Texas! I would argue that there are no brains in Texas to go missing, but apparently The University of Texas at Austin had a specimen collection preserved in jars of formaldehyde that was donated to them over thirty years ago. Could it be an outbreak of zombies? Or are average Texans getting clued up to the fact that they need brains to function correctly. Who knows what has happened to them. Best guess, students pilfering them for Halloween pranks. Oh, how I wished I lived in Texas!

And finally, a tale of warning to all the golfers out there. A crocodile has killed a man while he was retrieving golf balls from Lake Panic in South Africa’s flagship wildlife reserve. Officials at Kruger National Park said the animal grabbed 29-year-old Jacques van der Sandt and disappeared under the water at a golf course next to a staff residential area. Sadly the rangers killed the crocodile after a two-hour search on Wednesday night and the body of Van der Sandt, the son of a park employee, was recovered. I doubt this is going to happen any time soon at Gleneagles, but it would make me watch the golf on the telly box if this was a possible outcome….

On This Day

• 43 BC – Marcus Tullius Cicero is assassinated.
• 1703 – The Great Storm of 1703, the greatest windstorm ever recorded in the southern part of Great Britain, makes landfall. Winds gust up to 120 mph, and 9,000 people die.
• 1972 – Apollo 17, the last Apollo moon mission, is launched. The crew takes the photograph known as The Blue Marble as they leave the Earth.
• 1982 – In Texas, Charles Brooks, Jr., becomes the first person to be executed by lethal injection in the United States.

Deaths

• 43 BC – Cicero, Roman philosopher, lawyer, and politician (b. 106 BC)
• 1985 – Robert Graves, English author and poet (b. 1895)
• 2011 – Harry Morgan, American actor and director (b. 1915)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Amanda Seyfried (29), Billy Idol (59), Julianne Moore (54), Ben Stiller (49), Woody Allen (79), Bette Midler (69), Jeff Bridges (65), Britney Spears (33), Jay-Z (45), Daryl Hannah (54), Little Richard (82), Sarah Silverman (44), Marisa Tomei (50), Frankie Muniz (29), Tyra Banks (41), Ozzy Osbourne (66), Judd Apatow (47), Brendan Fraser (46), Nelly Furtado (36), Lucy Liu (46), Mandy Patinkin (62), John Terry (34), Nicole Appleton (40), C. Thomas Howell (48), Stan Boardman (74), Ellen Burstyn (82) and Noam Chomsky (86).

2014 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!