Afternoon poolers, yet another week has bit the dust, and so have a few more celebrities. Alas none that we needed to score those vital points, but now we’re over the halfway point, scoring is even more important. Don’t worry if you’ve still to score, six months is a very long time in this game. There’s a lot of news to get through this week,  so without further ado…

Look who you could have had:

• Graham Walker, 68, British comedian, founder of The Grumbleweeds, cancer.
• Esther Williams, 91, American swimmer (Billy Rose’s Aquacade) and actress (Bathing Beauty, Million Dollar Mermaid, Dangerous When Wet), natural causes.
• Tom Sharpe, 85, British author (Porterhouse Blue, Wilt), complications from diabetes.
• Richard Ramirez, 53, American serial killer, ‘The Night Stalker’, liver failure.

In other news

Michael Douglas spoke candidly about his throat cancer, he believes it came about from giving oral sex. Now, the first thing that came to my mind was, what the hell has Catherine Zeta Jones got down there? Some kind of cancer giving vampire vagina that bit him on the neck? Or is Michael actually telling us she’s actually a man and the constant deep throating has caused his oesophagus to turn on him? Either way, it doesn’t say anything nice about Catherine.  Maybe he should have blamed the smoking instead…

In the hospital this week are a whole host of celebrities.

Let us begin with Sir David Attenborough. The 87 year old naturalist had to cancel an engagement in Brisbane at short notice to have a pacemaker fitted. I wonder if they made a film about it? Maybe get a lion to rip him open and a gorilla to complete the operation. What am I thinking? It’s the NHS, that’s exactly what is going on anyway!

We also have the Duke of Edinburgh flat out on a slab having exploratory surgery on his abdomen, we’ve been told he’ll be in hospital for two weeks because of it. Sure signs if you ask me! The Queen didn’t seem too bothered though, she went on a jolly to the new BBC TV Centre and managed to photobomb a couple of newsreaders to boot.

Paris Jackson, the daughter of Michael Jackson was admitted into hospital after attempting to kill herself. At 15 she’s a huge potential point scorer, lets hope she tries again next year, she’s so going to be my Maverick! We all know the Jackson family are rather fucked up, looks like it hasn’t skipped a generation either.

Stephen Fry has also spoken about his bipolar condition and admitted that he had attempted to commit suicide last year by using pills and vodka. Now we all love the treasure that is Stephen Fry as much as we love David Attenborough, but I for one will be sending him a case of vodka the next time I see him throwing a spat on Twitter.

Last but not least is Nelson Mandela, things are not looking good for the old South African freedom fighter. Not only is he dying, his family are already fighting over their inheritance. A wonderful legacy to a man who spent half his life in jail to free a nation and they’re quibbling over who gets the TV and the sideboard, not to mention the hundreds of millions of rand he seems to have amassed whilst being in jail.

For those of you who are vaguely interested in celebrity birthdays, you can celebrate the following if you so wish! Johnny Depp (50), Natalie Portman (32) and Michael J, Fox (52). All surprisingly odd ages. I thought Depp and Portman were younger and Fox 60 or something, must be his illness, alas too old to be a maverick now….

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next week peeps!

Let me begin by apologising for the lack of a newsletter last week, alas my laptop died, none of you had it on your lists though, so no points to anyone! So this week should be a double dose of fun! I’m sure you’re itching to see who’s died…

Look who you could have had:

• Steve Forrest, 87, American actor (Dallas, North Dallas Forty, S.W.A.T).
• Phil Buerstatte, 46, American heavy metal rock drummer (White Zombie).
• Ray Manzarek, 74, American rock musician (The Doors), bile duct cancer.
• Eddie Braben, 82, British comedy writer (Morecambe and Wise, Ken Dodd).
• Richard Thorp, 81, English actor (Emmerdale).
• Mick McManus, 93, English professional wrestler.
• James Sisnett, 113, Barbadian supercentenarian, world’s second oldest man.
• Marshall Lytle, 79, American rock and roll musician (Bill Haley & His Comets), inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (2012), lung cancer.
• Jack Vance, 96, American science fiction author.
• Bill Pertwee, 86, British radio and television actor (Dad’s Army, You Rang, M’Lord?) and author.

In other news

George Michael has left hospital after he mysteriously ‘fell’ out of a moving car on the M25. According to reports his mishap occurred whilst he was trying to adjust the door. Following the accident the 48 year old singer was said to be lying in the road covered in blood and had to be protected by a conscientious mini driver who protected his prone body from being run over by other cars. I think George is an ideal candidate as a Maverick for next year, he’s terribly accident prone and seems to be on a death wish. He just scrapes in age wise and could be the next Amy Winehouse, albeit without the talent.

We’ve also heard that everyones favourite cross-dresser, Tim Curry, has had a stroke. The 67 year old actor, who is famously very private, has not disclosed how bad it is. One hopes he recovers sufficiently so we can continue to enjoy his thespian endeavours and perhaps to add him to next years lists.

More bad news on the Angelina Jolie frontage, her Aunt Debbie has died of breast cancer. Seems that Jolie’s decision to lop off her norks might have been a good one after all. I’m sure Jolie, 37, didn’t really want to see her boobies drift southwards anyway, especially if they became lumpy as well.

Lou Reed, the driving force behind The Velvet Underground is recovering after a liver transplant. The 71 year old singer was said to be as close to death as is possible to get. Reed is a well known alcoholic and drug user, so I’m wondering why they wasted a perfectly good liver on a deadbeat 71 year old who has abused his own liver to the point of death! I’ll tell you why, it’s so we can list him next year!

Shall I just mention the name Amanda Bynes. Make of that what you will.

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Welcome yet again to the Dead Pool newsletter. As you will soon see, this week has been a slight disappointment on the deaths front, I’ll be honest and say I had only ever heard of Paul Shane and all he’s done is made me look towards Ruth Madoc and Sue Pollard as potential names for next year. It goes without saying that nobody has scored, but we can’t have every week a Margaret Thatcher now can we!

Look who you could have had:

• Kenneth Battelle, 86, American hairdresser (Jacqueline Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe), only hairdresser to win Coty Award (1961).
• Dick Trickle, 71, American NASCAR driver, suicide by gunshot.
• Paul Shane, 72, British actor and comedian (Hi-de-Hi!, You Rang, M’Lord?).
• Jorge Rafael Videla, 87, Argentine military general and politician, President (1976–1981), natural causes.
• Harold Shapero, 93, American composer and pianist.

In other news

As you may have heard, one of Hollywood’s greatest relationships has ended. Yes, Angelina Jolie and her breasts have gone separate ways. We have seen the breasts fall out a few times with Jolie, but it seems the final straw was a rumour that her breasts might be responsible for giving her future cancer. Obviously this malignant rumour was denied by the breasts, citing that there was a 16% chance that they’d not give her the Big C, but Jolie had had enough, so she had Kevin Spacey chop them off and deliver them to her husband in a box.  Jennifer Aniston is said to be over the moon.

Things haven’t been going well for George Michael either. The 49 year old singer was a passenger in a car when it went Wham into something, leaving the entertainer with a head injury and superficial cuts. I think George needs to stay away from cars if he intends to live, this is now his third accident and he had a close call with pneumonia only a couple of years ago. Surely a potential name for next year!

You may have also heard that the real Marge Simpson has died. Sadly for us, Margaret Groening wasn’t famous enough to make the Wiki dead pool listings, but as a matter of interest I thought I’d mention her death at the age of 94. What you may not know is that her maiden name was Wiggum. O_o

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome one and all to this weeks epic Dead Pool newsletter. Let’s begin by dispensing some points to Shân for correctly guessing that the former Italian president, Giulio Andreotti, would bite the bullet this year, that’s quite a mouthful if you’ve had a glass or wine or three. Well done to her for scoring 56 points, a boo hiss for the rest of us for missing out Ray Harryhausen!  Of course, ol’ Harryhausen has been a stalwart on some lists for years, but as is usual with this frustrating game, he’s been overlooked this year and without any consideration for us sickos, he’s only gone and died! Thanks Ray for entertaining us with your amazing stop motion skills, but you could have waited a few months…

Look who you could have had:

• Mario Machado, 78, American news anchor, journalist and actor (Scarface, RoboCop, St. Elmo’s Fire), complications of pneumonia.
• Giulio Andreotti, 94, Italian politician, Prime Minister (1972–1973, 1976–1979, 1989–1992).
• Diana Keppel, Countess of Albemarle, 103, British aristocrat.
• Ray Harryhausen, 92, American stop-motion animator (Jason and the Argonauts, Clash of the Titans).
• Bryan Forbes, 86, British actor (The League of Gentlemen), film director (The Stepford Wives) and screenwriter (Chaplin).
• Jeanne Cooper, 84, American actress (The Young and the Restless), short illness.

In other news

Some news from North Korea, our newish illustrious leader, Kim Jong-un may have escaped an assassination attempt. According to sketchy reports, Ri Kyong-Sim may have saved Kim from a dodgy traffic accident and thus getting herself awarded the highest honour that North Korea can bestow, the ‘Hero of the Republic’ award!

I’m sure Kim is very grateful to her, although I’m not sure how a small Korean woman would be able to stop a deadly vehicle from doing whatever the fuck it wanted, I can only assume she went all Schwarzenegger on it and managed to produce some kind of small missile launcher out of her chuff! Anyhow, Kim is still alive to tell the tale and ready to be included in next years lists.

Talking about Schwarzenegger, his son Patrick seems to be a bit of a cunt. Sources report that he managed to sneak into a nightclub whilst being underage and then proceeded to throw ice cubes at the DJ before being thrown out of the club ranting that he wanted to kill the DJ for some unfathomable reason. Seems the 19 year old needs to grow up somewhat, before some big muscly beefcake goes commando on his arse. A potential Sheen in the making??

We have also heard that The Queen has decided she’s too old to go on long haul flights, although it didn’t stop her jumping out of one during the Olympics. I don’t blame her really, the travel insurance alone must cost her a tiara each time she steps through an airport terminal door. Let’s face it, at 87 she’s at a huge risk of DVT, even on a personal jet, the last thing we need is her dying and allowing Charles access to the throne. I can just envisage him letting the power get to him and going all Joffrey on us, perhaps even shooting prostitutes with a crossbow at King’s Cross… Who knows…

Here are a few birthdays for you to wet yourselves over:

Gabriel Byrne (63), Burt Bacharach (85), Ving Rhames (54), Emilio Estevez (51), Malin Akerman (35), Catherine Tate (45) and Stephen Baldwin (47). It would also have been the gorgeous Katherine Hepburn’s birthday and George Carlin’s too, but they’re dead, so who cares.

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Good afternoon Poolers, yet another week passes and so do many more celebrities. Alas none that were on our lists, so no points awarded to anyone. So without much to mention I’ll plug the website once again and hopefully you can tout it to your mates in readiness for next year. I’m noticing that the visitor stats are a bit poor at the moment, most traffic coming from my Facebook page or my tweets, so shout it loud, be proud and promote http://koadeadpool.wordpress.com

Look who you could have had:

• Cyril Quigley, 106, British centenarian, oldest man in Northern Ireland.
• Mabel Richardson, 107, British television personality (Food and Drink).
• Deanna Durbin, 91, Canadian singer and actress (Three Smart Girls).
• Mike Gray, 77, American director, screenwriter (The China Syndrome, Star Trek: The Next Generation) and author, heart failure.
• Chris Kelly, 34, American rap artist (Kris Kross), drug overdose.
• Jeff Hanneman, 49, American guitarist (Slayer), liver failure.

In other news

Iain Banks has just returned from his honeymoon. The terminally ill author married his wife Adele after she gracefully accepted his proposal to be his widow. Banks wrote that he’s astounded by the outpouring of loving messages and support since he revealed to the world that he’s dying of cancer of the liver. It’s doubtful that he’ll survive the year, perhaps he isn’t one to keep an eye on for our purposes.

I’m not one to take mental disorders lightly, but I will mention that Catherine Zeta-Jones has voluntarily checked into a clinic to proactively treat her bipolar disorder. The Welsh girl done good seems to be worried about her marbles, personally I thought she was off her rocker marrying Michael Douglas, but she’s a millionaire, I’m a destitute waster, what do I know! I still don’t understand why she allowed his geriatric gentleman’s relish inside her, but there you go, each to their own, maybe you ladies can explain to me the attraction.

I suppose you have all heard that William Roache aka Ken Barlow has been arrested over allegations of rape. That deep hole of celebrity paedophiles seems to be getting deeper with some very surprising names popping up. But we can be assured that at least one man is now facing jail. Stuart Hall will be sentenced in June and I’m sure that he’ll find prison a rather horrible version of It’s a Knockout, perhaps we need to put him on suicide watch.

Few interesting birthdays for us to celebrate this Sunday:  Lance Henriksen (73), John Rhys-Davies (69), Michael Palin (70). Richard E. Grant (56) and Adele (25). Go pester them on Twitter or something.

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!