Good afternoon Poolers, I hope you are all well and feeling better than a certain Spanish train driver. If you haven’t noticed, I’m back in the driving seat today and I’d like to thank both Liz and Sophie for their sterling efforts in keeping you informed and entertained about notable deaths by email. I’m sure they will never volunteer again as they now know how much work it is! As I haven’t updated the website for a couple of weeks, this weeks edition will cover my leave of absence as well, just for the benefit of those who are keeping abreast of things on there. So my apologies if I bore you to death or repeat what Liz or Soph mentioned over the last couple of weeks.

Look who you could have had:

• Anna Wing, 98, British actress (EastEnders).
• Paul Bhattacharjee, 53, British actor (EastEnders, Casino Royale, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel).
• Alan Whicker, 87, British journalist and broadcaster (Whicker’s World), bronchial pneumonia.
• Dennis Burkley, 67, American actor (King of the Hill, The Doors, Tin Cup), heart attack.
• Briony McRoberts, 56, British actress (Take the High Road), wife of David Robb, hit by train.
• Mel Smith, 60, English comedian and actor (Not the Nine O’Clock News, The Princess Bride, Alas Smith and Jones), heart attack.
• Dennis Farina, 69, American actor (Law & Order, Get Shorty, Unsolved Mysteries), pulmonary embolism.
• JJ Cale, 74, American Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter (“After Midnight“, “Cocaine“, “Call Me the Breeze“) and musician, heart attack.
• Jon Leyne, 55, British journalist (BBC), brain tumour.

In other news

I’m sure you haven’t missed the train crash in Santiago de Compostela. For those of you who have seen the CCTV footage it’s easy to see that the driver was going too fast. Perhaps we should keep an eye on Fransisco Jose Garzon for suicidal tendencies, I’d certainly feel bad if I had just killed 80 people and injured hundreds more, although I wonder if he is famous enough for our purposes, he certainly wasn’t a week ago!

Theresa May has revealed that she has Type 1 Diabetes. Although not a death sentence in itself, it does cause significant health worries for someone of her age. The 56 year old politician will now have to inject insulin twice a day and take great care of herself, but I’m sure that her hoard of immigrant slaves will ensure that she gets the best care, sorry, I meant to say NHS, not immigrant slaves.

Of course, like the rest of the media, I can’t sign off without mentioning the new Royal Baby™. You can’t help feeling sorry for the rich little bundle of joy, his life will now be forever photographed and chased by those bottom-feeders known as journalists. Proud mum was able to push out little George with the assistance of a whole hospital and superdrugs reserved only for the elite. I’m sure she was able to have a cup of tea and a scone whilst the shoulders were passing through. It makes me proud to be British!

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Welcome all, to another edition of the Dead Pool. Last week left us not in the mood for dancing as one of the most iconic afros of all time sadly died whilst he was electrocuted through his mouse whilst surfing for clowns that appeared in The Waltons. Who would have thought that this obscure turn of events would be so intrinsically linked to all the famous people who died during that week. The world certainly is a strange place!

For the next couple of weeks I’ll be taking a sabbatical from writing the Dead Pool, but fear not, I have lined up a couple of guest writers for you. So be kind and thankful to Liz and Sophie, who graciously answered my cries for help. They will either make me look like a complete amateur or end up tearing their hair out like I do most weekends.

Look who you could have had:

• Matt Osborne, 55, American professional wrestler (Doink the Clown).
• Jim Kelly, 67, American martial artist and actor (Enter the Dragon), cancer.
• Paul Jenkins, 74, American actor (The Waltons, Chinatown, Dynasty).
• Douglas Engelbart, 88, American scientist, inventor of the computer mouse, kidney failure.
• Bernie Nolan, 52, Irish singer (The Nolans) and actress, breast cancer.

In other news

Gazza seems to be falling off the rails once again, he was arrested for being drunk and allegedly hitting his ex-wife Sheryl. Nice one Gazza, great way to be the footballing hero you once were. Only a few weeks ago he promised the nation to quit drinking and mend his ways, looks like his personal demons are not going away any time soon, which leaves us with the possibility that the 46 year old alcoholic will make a good Maverick.  Sadly we might also need to keep an eye on Sheryl, you never know what he’s capable of…

Talking about football, you may have heard of the occurrence in Brazil where the referee stabbed a player for not accepting a red card. Then in an orgy of retaliatory violence the referee was stoned to death, quartered and beheaded with the fans leaving his head on a stake in the middle of the ground.  Well, I think the Premiership could do with something like this, it would certainly make those pansy’s earn their money with the threat of death hanging over them for falling over after feeling a gust of wind going by them.

Jeremy Bowen, the BBC reporter has been shot whilst covering the events in Egypt. He’s taken some shot to the head and leg, not very serious but still highlights the dangers that overseas reporters face. Here’s an interesting fact for you, last year 89 journalists were killed, 79 arrested, 1993 journalists threatened or physically attacked, 38 journalists kidnapped, 73 journalists fled their country, 6 media assistants killed, 47 netizens and citizen-journalists killed, and 144 bloggers and netizens arrested.  Maybe you should seriously think of a list consisting of journos next year, looks like it’s easy pickings.

I hear you demanding to know who’s had a birthday last week, well… Lindsey Lohan (27), Sylvester Stallone (67), Tom Cruise (51), Edie Falco (50), Larry David (66), Dalai Lama (78), 50 Cent (38), Ashley Tisdale (28), Dan Aykroyd (61), Debbie Harry (68) 68? 68!!, Liv Tyler (38), Mike Tyson (47), Huey Lewis (63), Carl Lewis (52), Jerry Hall (57), George W. Bush (67), Missy Elliott (42), Geoffrey Rush (62), Cheryl Cole (30), Nancy Reagan (92) still alive! Ned Beatty (76),  Bill Withers (75), Yeardley Smith (49), yes, Lisa Simpson is nearly 50!!!

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

From televisual archeologists and ‘chop-socky’ actors to celebrity photographers, this week is a rather muted affair. People you either knew well or have no idea who they are, which I suppose is usually the case. Again no points scored and sadly little news to report upon. However, there will be an upcoming opportunity for a guest writer or two as I will be working away for a couple of weeks, so if you are interested in taking over the Dead Pool for a weekend, please let me know. I think this would be a great chance to refresh my dull and boring ideas and perhaps get some more proactive involvement from the rest of you 😉

Look who you could have had:

• Elliott Reid, 93, American actor (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes), heart failure.
• Richard Matheson, 87, American author and screenwriter (I Am Legend, The Shrinking Man, The Twilight Zone).
• Mick Aston, 66, British archaeologist (Time Team)
• Lau Kar-leung, 76, Chinese Hong Kong martial artist, action choreographer and film director (The 36th Chamber of Shaolin), cancer.
• Bert Stern, 83, American celebrity photographer (The Last Sitting) and documentary maker (Jazz on a Summer’s Day).

In other news

Without doubt you have all heard that Nelson Mandela is critically ill, I doubt very much he will be recovering from this unfortunate relapse. An interesting fact is that he will score an astounding 1328 points in total should he pass away this year, with so many of you having him on your lists. You Ghouls! Some of you may have seen that the cunt that is called David Cameron was indicted in a Facebook viral that accused him of being a part of The Federation of Conservative Students that advocated that Mandela should have been hanged, sadly there is no evidence, although rumour is enough if you ask me. However John Berkow is a documented member of that society, make of that what you will. Just remember that Thatcher was a staunch supporter of apartheid and she is undoubtedly what Cameron wanks over most evenings, perish the thought!

Jackie Chan is the latest death hoax survivor, most social media outlets reported him dead last week, which was as much of a surprise to him as anyone else! He even went as far as to publish a photo of himself with the daily newspaper to alleviate his fans fears. I should remind you that Jackie is truly as tough as they come, he has survived all the ridiculous stunts he’s attempted and would most likely best Chuck Norris in a duel, I doubt a guy like him would succumb to death that easily, in fact I’d expect to see ‘Jackie Chops the Grim Reaper’ in cinemas soon.

Birthdays for the last week as follows: George Michael (50), he made it! Karen Jenkins (33), Mel Brooks (87), Kathy Bates (65), John Cusack (47), Ricky Gervais (52), Toby Maguire (38), Francis McDormand (56), Selma Blair (41), Gary Busey (69), Mick Feetwood (66), Carly Simon (68), J.J. Abrams (47) and Chris Isaak (57).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Welcome my morbid minions to another writing of the Dead Pool. Without doubt this weeks big news is James Gandolfini succumbing to a coronary at the relatively young age of 51. Unsurprisingly, none of you had him, although you would expect an Italian to manage a trip to Rome without keeling over from too much pasta and sunshine.

Look who you could have had:

• Mitsue Nagasaki, 113, Japanese supercentenarian, seventh-oldest person in the world.
• Michael Hastings, 33, American journalist (Rolling Stone, Newsweek, BuzzFeed), traffic collision.
• Slim Whitman, 90, American country singer-songwriter (“Indian Love Call“, “Rose Marie“), heart failure.
• John Hughes, 78, Welsh ceramicist, creator of Grogg.
• James Gandolfini, 51, American actor (The Sopranos, Where the Wild Things Are, Zero Dark Thirty), cardiac arrest.
• Lil Snupe, 18, American rap artist, shot.
• Allan Simonsen, 34, Danish racing driver, racing accident during 2013 24 Hours of Le Mans.

In other news

Murray Walker, the high octane Formula 1 commentator, has been diagnosed with cancer. The unfortunate 89 year old has a form of lymphatic cancer that was diagnosed during tests following a fall in which he broke his hip last month. Apparently they caught it early and are going ahead with chemotherapy. Good luck to the old codger but if I’m not very much mistaken, which I probably am, I’ll go out on a limb and say that he will see that chequered flag this year.

Alas I have to bring back Cunt of the Week. Without doubt it has to be Charles Saatchi for even thinking of raising a hand to Nigella Lawson. One has to ask what the hell is a pretty woman like her doing with a rich 70 year old misogynist, I’m sure it has nothing to do with his table manners. I’m sure you would all like to join me in wishing the old fuckwit unwell and here’s hoping he dies a miserable death so Nigella can have all that inherited cash for chocolate mousse, which I hope she films herself eating.  Other than throttling poor Nigella, the self styled ‘King of Brit-Art’ has a lot to answer for, making shit artists like Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin famous is enough for me, he really should have died in the 80’s.

The latest celebrity to get the death hoax is the great Alphonso Ribeiro, better known to most as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Seems a Facebook page set up to get sympathetic messages began the traction into the alleged demise of one of the most loved dancers of our generation. Luckily Alphonso is alive and well, but being American, who’s to say that the continuous diet high in fat and high fructose corn syrup, plus their despicable insurance led healthcare, could quite easily leave the 41 year old dead within a month for all we know…

Celebrity birthdays for the last week? Cindy Lauper (60), Nicole Kidman (46), Prince William (31), that makes me feel old, not as old as his bald head though… Meryl Streep (64), John Goodman (61), ripe for a heart attack; Brian Wilson (71), Lionel Richie (64), Kathleen Turner (59), Paul McCartney (71), Isabella Rossellini (61), Barry Manilow (70), Kris Kristofferson (77), Danny Aiello (80), Olympia Dukakis (82), Martin Landau (85), Salman Rushdie (66), so much for that fatwa, and Alison Moyet (52).

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome one and all to a fun-packed edition of the Dead Pool. ‘What have we here?’ I hear you ask, points to be awarded?? Oh yes! The official oldest person on the planet has died, thus giving Paul E 34 points and Paul C, Emily & Dave who all had him as their Cert, a whopping 134 points each!! So this changes the leader board quite extensively, we even have a new leader! I don’t know about you, but if living to be over a hundred makes you look like our unfortunate pictured friends, I’d rather die in my 60’s thank you very much. Look at them! Kimura has lost all muscle use in his mouth, Kozak’s looks like she’s eating a lemon and fuck knows whats happened to Meizhen! We also saw that Iain Banks died of cancer, way too soon for our needs, he could have scored you 191 points if you had him as your Cert, I’m sure the literary world is devastated too, but for different reasons.

Look who you could have had:

• Iain Banks, 59, Scottish author (The Wasp Factory), gallbladder cancer.
• Rory Morrison, 48, British radio announcer and newsreader (BBC Radio 4), lymphoma.
• Luo Meizhen, 127?, Chinese oldest person unverified claimant, natural causes.
• Evelyn Kozak, 113, American supercentenarian, verified seventh-oldest person, heart attack.
• Sir Henry Cecil, 70, British racehorse trainer, stomach cancer.
• Jiroemon Kimura, 116, Japanese supercentenarian, verified oldest man in history, natural causes.

In other news

Ted Dwane, the bassist from Mumford & Sons was rushed to hospital with a blood clot on his brain, having undergone an emergency operation to remove the blood clot early last week he’s already out and recuperating. He’s said to be over the moon to now have conclusive proof that he does actually have a brain.

The Queen had to visit her 92 year old husband in hospital for his birthday. The Duke is said to be recovering well after his abdominal operation but is expected to remain in hospital for another week. Her Majesty had to undertake the Trooping of the Colour alone for the third time since her coronation, I’m sure she missed Philip’s racist remarks terribly.

National Treasure Stephen Fry fell foul of a hoaxer on Twitter trying to get a rise out of him. Some of you may have noticed the @AmandraBynes tweet wishing he died of cancer and some shite about throwing donuts at his house, but the real @AmandaBynes has a slightly different addy, not that our mild mannered wit noticed. If you feel like wasting a few minutes of your life, go see how many celebs have blocked the hoaxer already. Amanda Bynes might be a lot of things but a hater of Stephen Fry she most likely isn’t.

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!