Dead Pool 28th September 2014
Welcome again to this weeks amazing holiday edition of the Dead Pool. Well, I’m on holiday, so it’s a holiday edition. So, this week we find no new deaths, but discover that Luke Skywalker is 58 years old and that Catherine Zeta-Jones is regretting marrying a 69 year old Michael Douglas! Oh, not to mention that Draco Malfoy is 27 years old… Brian Ferry 69!!! Fuck off!!!
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Audrey Long, 92, American film actress (Tall in the Saddle).
- Eric the Midget, 39, American dwarf, member of The Wack Pack.
- George Sluizer, 82, Dutch filmmaker (The Vanishing), cardiovascular disease.
- Frieda Szwillus, 112, German supercentenarian, oldest living person in Germany.
- Deborah Cavendish, Dowager Duchess of Devonshire, 94, British duchess, last surviving Mitford sister.
- Toby Balding, 78, American-born British racehorse trainer.
- Rezső Gallai, 110, Hungarian supercentenarian, oldest man in Europe.
In Other News
In an unprecedented announcement from the North Korean media, they have admitted that their illustrious leader, Kim Jong-un, is ill. That Kim Jong-un, 31, is carrying a few extra pounds has been blindingly obvious since he became North Koreas leader in late 2011. But speculation that his increasing weight is apparently the result of a weakness for cheese that has brought on debilitating spells of gout rose dramatically this week after he failed to attend an important parliamentary session. Rumours that Kim, reputedly a heavy smoker, is in less than robust health came after Kim’s continuing three-week public absence after he was shown limping and wearing loose clothes during inspections of military units and factories. A source said to be familiar with North Korean affairs said that Kim was suffering from gout, diabetes and high blood pressure, surely an excellent cocktail of ailments for our purposes!
Remember Phil Spector? You know, the convicted murderer and former Wall of Sound record producer, yup, I barely remember him either. However, the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation have seen fit to issue a recent photograph of him for our pleasure, soo very kind of them. The fact that he looks like Gollum is clearly apparent, but let’s be honest here, you would never trust that man with your child would you? Spector , 74, was found guilty of shooting the 40-year-old actress Lana Clarkson, and is currently serving 19 years to life.
Lynda Bellingham has revealed she has just weeks to live after deciding to end her chemotherapy treatment. The actress, 66, who is best known for playing the mother in the Oxo TV adverts, has been battling colon cancer since July last year. Sadly the cancer spread to her lungs and liver, so there is no hope in sight. The question is now, will she live long enough for us to list her for next year? Or will she be another Iain Banks?
And finally, If you consider yourself an adventurous eater, there’s a burger that’s got your name on it. A pop-up venture in London is offering diners the chance to try a “human flesh” burger. Before you fall off your chair in horror, don’t panic, the burger isn’t actually made of people, but is simply meant to taste like it. The unsavoury treat has been concocted by Messhead, a collaboration between chef James Tomlinson of London Mess and Miss Cakehead. Thankfully, the pair didn’t have to nibble human flesh themselves to create their burger: instead, they read accounts from various cannibals about what human flesh tastes like. Inspiration came from flesh munchers including William Seabrook, an explorer who described human flesh as tasting like “good, fully developed veal, not young, but not yet beef” and the murderer Issei Sagawa, who said it “melted in my mouth like raw tuna in a sushi retsaurant”. The final recipe for the patties included pork, veal, bone marrow and chicken livers. Nom nom…
On This Day
- 935 – Saint Wenceslas is murdered by his brother, Boleslaus I of Bohemia.
- 1066 – William the Bastard (as he was known at the time) invades England beginning the Norman conquest of England.
- 1889 – The first General Conference on Weights and Measures (CGPM) defines the length of a meter as the distance between two lines on a standard bar of an alloy of platinum with ten percent iridium, measured at the melting point of ice.
- 1912 – Corporal Frank S. Scott of the United States Army becomes the first enlisted man to die in an airplane crash. He and pilot Lt. Lewis C. Rockwell are killed in the crash of an Army Wright Model B at College Park, Maryland.
- 1924 – First round-the-world flight completed.
- 1928 – The U.K. Parliament passes the Dangerous Drugs Act outlawing cannabis.
- 1928 – Sir Alexander Fleming notices a bacteria-killing mold growing in his laboratory, discovering what later became known as penicillin.
- 1971 – The Parliament of the United Kingdom passes the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 banning the medicinal use of cannabis.
- 2008 – SpaceX launches the first private spacecraft, the Falcon 1 into orbit.
- 1891 – Herman Melville, American author and poet (b. 1819)
- 1895 – Louis Pasteur, French chemist and microbiologist (b. 1822)
- 1914 – Richard Warren Sears, American businessman, co-founded Sears (b. 1863)
- 1953 – Edwin Hubble, American astronomer (b. 1889)
- 1956 – William Boeing, American businessman, founded the Boeing Company (b. 1881)
- 1964 – Harpo Marx, American comedian, actor, and singer (b. 1888)
- 1970 – Gamal Abdel Nasser, Egyptian colonel and politician, 2nd President of Egypt (b. 1918)
- 1978 – Pope John Paul I (b. 1912)
- 1991 – Miles Davis, American trumpet player, composer, and bandleader (Miles Davis Quintet) (b. 1926)
- 2003 – Elia Kazan, Turkish-American actor, director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1909)
- 2012 – Michael O’Hare, American actor (b. 1952)
Last Week’s Birthdays
Gwyneth Paltrow (42), Michael Douglas (69), Avril Lavigne (30), Bill Murray (64), Bruce Springsteen (65), Mark Hamill (62), Heather Locklear (53), Will Smith (45), Olivia Newton-John (66), Catherine Zeta-Jones (45), Serena Williams (33), Meatloaf (67), Liam Gallagher (42), Michael Madsen (56), Faith Hill (56), Stephen King (67), Nick Cave (57), Joan Jett (56), Andrea Bocelli (56), Jim Caviezel (46), Tom Felton (27), Bryan Ferry (69) and Linda Hamilton (58).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!