Dead Pool 16th June 2024

Not a good week to be a footballer it seems! We also have points to award!!! 70 whole points go to Neil, who correctly guessed that Françoise Hardy would peg it this year. Well done that man! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Mark James, 83, American songwriter (“Hooked on a Feeling“, “Suspicious Minds“, “Always on My Mind“). 
• Nicholas Ball, 78, English actor (EastEnders, Footballers’ Wives, Hazell). 
• Rose-Marie, 68, Northern Irish singer and television personality.
• Ben Potter, 40, American Internet personality, traffic collision. 
• Simon Cowell, 72, British television presenter (Wildlife SOS) and conservationist, founder of the Wildlife Aid Foundation, lung cancer. 
• Tommy Banks, 94, English footballer (Bolton Wanderers, Altrincham, national team), complications from dementia.
• Françoise Hardy, 80, French singer-songwriter (“Tous les garçons et les filles“, “All Over the World“) and actress (Grand Prix), laryngeal cancer. 
• Tony Mordente, 88, American actor (West Side Story). 
• Kevin Campbell, 54, English footballer (Arsenal, Nottingham Forest, Everton). 
• Matija Šarkić, 26, English-born Montenegrin footballer (Shrewsbury Town, Millwall, national team). 

In Other News

Noam Chomsky has suffered a stroke and is recovering in hospital, his wife has confirmed. The 95-year-old famed linguist has not been seen in public since June last year, with many commenting on the weight of his absence from the broader debate surrounding the war in Gaza. Chomsky, who has been vocal about his support for the Palestinian cause and what he has called the “crimes” of the Israeli state, has been notably absent from demonstrations and discussions on the issue over the last year. Valeria Chomsky told the Flying Monkeys that the MIT professor is currently in a Sao Paulo hospital in her native country of Brazil after suffering from a stroke in June last year. The couple travelled on an ambulance jet with two nurses once he was well enough to leave the United States. Mrs Chomsky confirmed reports that her husband had difficulty speaking and that the right side of his body is affected. She said that a neurologist, speech therapist and lung specialist visit the academic on a daily basis. The famed intellectual is still following the news and his wife confirmed that he raises his left arm in a gesture of lament and anger when he sees images of the war in Gaza. It is feared that the MIT professor is unlikely to ever return to the public eye following the deterioration of his health. Chomsky’s former assistant Bev Stohl explained that the usually responsive academic “hasn’t been returning emails, or interviewing”. “In a nutshell, Noam is 95-years-old and suffered a medical event in June. As many have noticed, he has not been writing, corresponding, or interviewing, as his health situation has taken the majority of his time and energy.  

Veteran BBC DJ Johnnie Walker has been told to “prepare to die at any moment” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. Walker, who has worked at the BBC since 1969, began his career at Radio 1 before moving to Radio 2 in 1998, where he currently hosts Sounds of the 70’s and The Radio 2 Rock Show. Since he was diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, an inflation of the lungs, he has been presenting his radio shows from his home in Dorset. Walker needs round-the-clock care and is being looked after, full-time, by his wife, Tiggy. The couple have opened up about Walker’s terminal illness on BBC Sounds podcast, Walker and Walker: Johnnie and Tiggy, in honour of Carers Week. In the special, the DJ opened up about having “only a finite amount of time left here in the physical before I pass over”, calling it “a very reflective time for us”. Walker, who was previously cared for by Tiggy when he was diagnosed with cancer shortly after their marriage in 2006, told his wife: “Here we are at the end of my life when you’re having to care for me all over again.” He said of Tiggy: “You definitely saved my life when I went through cancer. I’m positive I wouldn’t have made it without you. Your love was just so sustaining, it gave me so much to look forward to. And your caring for me now makes my life so much better.” Tiggy said she has required help in “grieving” the life they had together, stating: “It’s only by going to the doctors and going on antidepressants that I have kept going because I was crying every single day and I was overwhelmed.” She recalled how the couple were told by a consultant that Johnny should “prepare to go at any moment”, before adding: “Equally, you might be around for six months.” Walker said that at night Tiggy “very lovingly helps me get into bed and gives me a nice kiss good night, and then she has to wonder whether I’m still going to be alive in the morning, which must be pretty hard for  her”. 

Liverpool Football Club has sent a heartfelt message to club legend Alan Hansen, who is currently seriously ill in hospital, on his 69th birthday. Hansen was admitted to hospital late last week and has since received numerous messages of support. As the Scottish footballer turned 69, Liverpool FC took to Twitter to express their thoughts: “We’re all thinking of Alan and his family on his 69th birthday.” On Sunday, Liverpool confirmed Hansen’s hospitalisation with a statement that read: “The thoughts and support of everyone at Liverpool FC are with our legendary former captain Alan Hansen, who is currently seriously ill in hospital. A defender of the utmost elegance, Hansen’s outstanding raft of honours across a 14-year spell with the Reds he joined from Partick Thistle in 1977 included eight league titles, three European Cups, two FA Cups and three League Cups.” Known as ‘Jocky’ by his teammates, Hansen is among the top 10 for all-time appearances for the club, having played 620 matches. The Scottish centre-back also served as Liverpool’s captain for four seasons. Liverpool FC is currently in contact with Hansen’s family to offer support during this challenging time, and our thoughts, wishes and hopes are with Alan and all of the Hansen family.” Further updates will be provided as they become available, and the club has requested that the privacy of the Hansen family be respected during this time.  

Chef Gordon Ramsay has described feeling shaken after a “really bad” cycling accident in the US. In a video on social media, he lifted his chef’s whites to show substantial purple bruising on his torso for which he required hospital treatment. Addressing the message to “all the dads out there” ahead of Father’s Day on Sunday, the star of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and Hell’s Kitchen stressed the importance of wearing a helmet. “I don’t care how short the journey is,” he said, adding that the guidance becomes even more important when it comes to cycling with children – “they’ve got to wear a helmet”. “I want to wish you all a happy Father’s Day, but please, please, please wear a helmet. If I didn’t, honestly, I wouldn’t be here now.” On his Instagram, he also shared a before and after photograph showing substantial damage to his helmet. The chef said the accident took place earlier this week in Connecticut. The 57-year-old thanked the state’s Lawrence and Memorial Hospital’s trauma surgeons and nurses who looked after him. He clarified that he did not “break any bones or suffer any major injuries” but was “a bit bruised up looking like a purple potato”. “I’m in pain. It’s been a brutal week. And I’m sort of getting through it,” Ramsay added. 

Oprah Winfrey has been hospitalised with a stomach virus, her friend Gayle King revealed. On June 11, the 70-year-old media mogul was noticeably absent from a scheduled appearance on CBS Mornings. Her longtime friend and CBS anchor King revealed during the segment that Winfrey was unable to appear on the program due to a “serious” stomach bug. “She had some kind of stomach thing – stomach flu – stuff was coming out of both ends,” King said. “I won’t get too graphic. Needless to say, she ended up in the hospital, dehydration, had to get an IV. It was a very serious thing.” While King noted that Winfrey was going to “rally” from the stomach virus, she still needed time to rest. “She will be okay. I hope she’s not mad at me for sharing that detail,” King added about her pal. “But I wanted to make it clear, though, that it mattered to her and that it really bothered her that she couldn’t be here for you today.” In a statement a spokesperson told the Flying Monkeys that Winfrey is “recovering” following the stomach virus and “received an IV due to dehydration at the recommendation of her doctor.” “She is resting and feeling better every day,” they added.

On This Day

• 1883 – The Victoria Hall theatre panic in Sunderland, England, kills 183 children.
• 1955 – In a futile effort to topple Argentine President Juan Perón, rogue aircraft pilots of the Argentine Navy drop several bombs upon an unarmed crowd demonstrating in favor of Perón in Buenos Aires, killing 364 and injuring at least 800.
• 1963 – Soviet Space Program: Vostok 6 mission: Cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova becomes the first woman in space.

Deaths

• 1959 – George Reeves, American actor and director (b. 1914).
• 1999 – Screaming Lord Sutch, English singer and activist (b. 1940).
• 2016 – Jo Cox, English political activist and MP (b. 1974).
• 2017 – Helmut Kohl, German politician, Chancellor of Germany (b. 1930).

Penis of the Dead 

An autopsy expert has spoken about what happens to the male anatomy after you die, after answering a curious Reddit user’s question.

A forensic technician and autopsy assistant was asked what actually happens to the penis after death, and was only too happy to let internet users know.

We’re guessing that if you’re still reading then you’re morbidly curious about this sort of thing, but just to warn you, it’s not pleasant…

The question posed on Reddit was: “What happens to dicks when the body decomposes? Do you ever chat with your coworkers about the body’s dicks?”

The expert replied: “They bloat pretty intensely, turn green, and get maggoty just like the rest of the body.”

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

They then went on to explain that penises of deceased patients have to be discussed sometimes for medical reasons – and they have to be inspected for ‘genital warts, trauma, tattoos and silicone implants’ in order to file them properly on the body exam.

The expert added: “We have to remove jewellery if they have genital piercings, and if there is a catheter, we have to remove that as well.”

Meanwhile, an interactive map recently appeared online which pinpoints the size of penises across the globe.

On the WorldData.info website, the interactive map reveals average erect penis sizes in up to 90 countries around the world – so you can see where your country sits in the list.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Arnold Vosloo (62), Sibel Kekilli (44), John Cho (52), James Bolam (89), Helen Hunt (61), Courteney Cox (60), Neil Patrick Harris (51), Jim Belushi (70), Julie Hagerty (69), Robin Curtis (68), Will Patton (70), Donald Trump (78), Boy George (63), Chris Evans (43), Stellan Skarsgård (73), Ally Sheedy (62), Kat Dennings (38), Malcolm McDowell (81), Tim Allen (71), Richard Thomas (73), Simon Callow (75), Mary-Kate Olsen (38), Ashley Olsen (38), Kathy Burke (60), Steve-O (50), Shia LaBeouf (38), Peter Dinklage (55), Hugh Laurie (65), Joshua Jackson (46), Adrienne Barbeau (79), Jane Goldman (54), DJ Qualls (46), Elizabeth Hurley (59), Bill Burr (56), and Jürgen Prochnow (83).