Dead Pool 6th April 2014

Evening all! Let me start by apologising for the late email and blog post, I have been very busy. Yes, I do have a life outside of writing this newsletter, I know you don’t believe me, but I do! Actually, because nothing much was happening death-wise, I decided to gather all of the worlds celebrities to explain that we needed some points action, so Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldof decided to ‘take one for the team’, thus giving us something to talk about.

Thanks to Rooney; Julie, Jim and Paul G. have scored 57 points each, which gives us a new points leader! Alas, nobody had Peaches, sad although her death is, she would have made an excellent Maverick for someone. Best keep an eye on the rest of the relatives now, suicide runs in that family after all…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Frankie Knuckles, 59, American disc jockey and record producer, complications from diabetes.
• Bob Larbey, 79, British comedy scriptwriter (Please Sir!, The Good Life, As Time Goes By).
• Phantog, 75, Chinese Tibetan mountaineer, first female to climb Mount Everest from Tibetan (North) side.
• Arthur Smith, 93, American musician and songwriter (“Guitar Boogie“, “Dueling Banjos”).
• Alan Davie, 93, Scottish painter and musician.
• Peter Matthiessen, 86, American author (At Play in the Fields of the Lord, The Snow Leopard), leukemia.
• John Pinette, 50, American comedian and actor (The Punisher, Junior), pulmonary embolism.
• Mickey Rooney, 93, American actor (The Black Stallion, Babes in Arms, Night at the Museum), won Emmy Award (Bill).
• Peaches Geldof, 25, English television presenter, writer and model.

In Other News 

For those of you who thought Michael Jackson was dead and gone, well, you may have been mistaken. The former King of Pop hasn’t let a mere formality as being dead keep him away from entertaining the masses, he’s bringing out a new album  in May, with no less than eight new tracks! Obviously Michael is hiding away with Elvis somewhere, producing posthumous No.1’s, which will annoy every living musician, as we honest consumers of shit, will buy up each album and make sure some undeserving music executive gets rich on the bleaching bones in Jacksons grave.

Everyones favourite Russian, Vladimir Putin, has finally had his divorce finalised. I’m sure that his ex-wife Lyudmila is now shitting in her pants wondering if she’ll end up in a gulag or just strapped to a nuclear warhead which will soon be raining down upon the Ukraine. Best keep an eye on her welfare, you never know with these megalomaniac types. Putin himself has made the transition quite easily though, rumours have it that he’s shagging the Olympic gymnast Alina Kabayeva, so it’s no surprise he’s given the old bag the push.

Good news to all television lovers, that old prancing twat, Sir Bruce Forsyth, has finally admitted defeat and decided to retire after what seems like 800 years in the business. Brucie announced that he will still carry out a few pre-recorded Strictly specials for us to endure, lets hope the 86 year old croaks before that happens, and he even has plans to tread the boards of the theatre, hopefully the old doddering cunt will fall off the stage so we all score some much needed points.

Michael Schumacher is looking like he might pull through the ‘lettuce’ to enter the ‘dribbling turnip’ stage of his recovery. The former F1 champion is now showing ‘moments of consciousness and awakening’, much like I do most days at work, so I’d assume he’s in perfect health and just needs to get off his arse and work, much like Iain Duncan Smith would want him to.

The final Monty Python reunion show will be “the last time we’ll be working together”, Michael Palin has said, which sort of  suggests he thinks one of them is about to die. Seeing they’re all in their 70’s, it’s now a good bet to start listing them. My money is on Cleese although Idle is looking a bit mummified recently.

On This Day

• 1199 – King Richard I of England dies from an infection following the removal of an arrow from his shoulder.
• 1830 – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the original church of the Latter Day Saint movement, is organised by Joseph Smith, Jr. and others at Fayette or Manchester, New York.
• 1869 – Celluloid is patented.
• 1895 – Oscar Wilde is arrested in the Cadogan Hotel, London after losing a libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry.
• 1896 – In Athens, the opening of the first modern Olympic Games is celebrated, 1,500 years after the original games are banned by Roman Emperor Theodosius I.
• 1924 – First round-the-world flight commences.
• 1930 – Gandhi raises a lump of mud and salt and declares, “With this, I am shaking the foundations of the British Empire,” beginning the Salt Satyagraha.
• 1965 – Launch of Early Bird, the first communications satellite to be placed in geosynchronous orbit.
• 1974 – The Swedish pop band ABBA wins the Eurovision Song Contest 1974 with the song “Waterloo“, launching their international career.

Deaths

• 1199 – Richard I of England (b. 1157)
• 1528 – Albrecht Dürer, German painter, engraver, and mathematician (b. 1471)
• 1992 – Isaac Asimov, Russian-American author and educator (b. 1920)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

This week we have Teresa Lewis’ last meal. You might remember her as the only female on Death Row prior to her execution by lethal injection in 2010. She was sentenced to death for the murder of her husband and her stepson which she thought she could get away with and profit from a $250,000 insurance policy her stepson had taken out before he was deployed as an Army reservist in Iraq.

Shortly before she was to become the 12th woman executed in the US, Teresa dined on the following:

• Fried Chicken
• Sweet peas with butter
• Apple Pie
• Dr Pepper

Rather dull if you ask me, no custard on her apple pie either, she was truly a mentalist!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Warren Beatty (77), Eric Clapton (69), Robbie Coltrane (64), MC Hammer (51), Piers Morgan (49), Celine Dion (46), Norah Jones (35), Richard Chamberlain (80), Shirley Jones (80), Christopher Walken (71), Rhea Perlman (66), Ewan McGregor (43), Debbie Reynolds (82), Ali MacGraw (75), Linda Hunt (69), Emmylou Harris (67), Michael Fassbender (37), Alec Baldwin (56), Eddie Murphy (53), Leona Lewis (29), Amanda Bynes (28), Hugo Weaving (54), Robert Downey Jr. (49), David Blaine (41), Jane Asher (68), Agnetha Faltskog (64), Mitch Pileggi (62) and Pharrell Williams (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!