Dead Pool 30th March 2014

Welcome all, on this auspicious day where we see Batman turning 75 and the terrible news that gardeners are facing a national shortage of fencing. Oh, also gay people are now legally allowed to get married. As you see, the world is ending. I’m sure God will soon cause Gran Canaria to tumble in the sea thus sending a tsunami of gay destruction towards Brighton, or maybe life will just carry on as usual. Congratulations to anyone who actually got married this weekend, even an old cynic like me likes to see a romantic event from time to time, although I’m just there for the free food and booze…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• James Rebhorn, 65, American actor (Scent of a Woman, Independence Day, Homeland), melanoma.
• Mickey Duff, 84, Polish-born British boxing manager and promoter, International Boxing Hall of Fame inductee (1999).
• Adolfo Suárez, 81, Spanish politician and lawyer, Prime Minister (1976–1981), Duke of Suárez (since 1981), respiratory infection.
• Jerry Roberts, 93, British wartime codebreaker, member of the Testery unit.
• Jeffery Dench, 86, British actor (First Knight).
• Derek Martinus, 82, British television director (Doctor Who, Blake’s 7, Z-Cars), Alzheimer’s disease.
• Kate O’Mara, 74, English actress (Dynasty, Triangle).

In Other News

Coronation Street actress Barbara Knox, 80, has been arrested on suspicion of drink-driving. In what we can only call a total fuck up on her part, Knox drove to the police station to see her daughter whom had earlier been arrested for the same offence. Respect to the old codger though, still motoring at 80, but driving to a police station whilst pissed wasn’t the best of ideas.  She’s now on police bail pending further inquiries, fuck knows what they will be.

Good news for all, clowns are faced with extinction!! There are only around 100 registered clowns in the whole of the UK nowadays, which we can all be thankful for. Blame is being thrown towards their depiction in horror films, I say they were bloody creepy anyway. Also their chosen habitat is under threat, the travelling circus, which is also in dramatic decline as nobody wants to see grown men covered in make-up throw glitter over each other whilst they drop their trousers in front of children. Lets hope that mimes are also included in this terminal collapse of clownkind!

The media are trying to frighten the bejesus out of everyone by saying ebola is about to spread around the world. The initial outbreak in Guinea spread to the capital, killing around 60 people, but apparently it wasn’t even ebola, just some other terrible disease. But luckily people were actually dying in neighbouring Liberia and Sierra Leone, thus giving the media a lifeline.  However, a Canadian man was reported to have the virus after returning from West Africa. After the initial alarm, it was found he just had some malaria. So panic everyone, we’re all going to die! Let’s blame those gay marriages!

The celebrity paedophiles are slowly being sorted out. Jimmy Tarbuck has been released without charge. The veteran comic, 74, was released after a year on police bail after being accused of rogering a small boy. So along with Michael Le Vell, Bill Roache, Jim Davidson, Dave Lee Travis and a few other slightly less known ‘stars’, the list is dwindling very quickly. All we have now is the Hairy Cornflakes retrial and the upcoming trials of Rolf Harris and Paul Gambaccini and the potential downfall of the celebrity publicist, Max Clifford. Could this have been a witch hunt? Who cares…

And finally, if you’re feeling a bit tired after a shag, think about poor Jonathan, a giant tortoise on the island of St Helena. At 182 he still has to service three females even though he’s half blind from cataracts and relies on his hearing to find his mates. Jonathan loves to have his neck stroked and its said that he can extend his head from his shell to a surprising length. He loves his vegetables and can belch like a trooper. ‘Tortoises may be slow, but they are also very noisy, especially when they mate’, said his handler. ‘A noise like a loud harsh escape of steam from a giant battered old kettle, often rounded off with a deep oboe-like grunt.’ Unfortunately, Jonathan’s trysts have not produced young – thus far.

On This Day

• 1867 – Alaska is purchased from Russia for $7.2 million, about 2-cent/acre ($4.19/km²), by United States Secretary of State William H. Seward.
• 1981 – President Ronald Reagan is shot in the chest outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John Hinckley, Jr. Another two people are wounded at the same time.

Deaths

• 1986 – James Cagney, American actor and dancer (b. 1899)
• 2002 – Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother of the United Kingdom (b. 1900)
• 2003 – Michael Jeter, American actor (b. 1952)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals

This weeks last meal belongs to Ted Bundy! You’ll remember Ted as the charming and handsome American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper and necrophile with around 35 homicides to his name. Ted died in the electric chair at Raiford Prison in Starke, Florida in 1989, but not before he dined on the following:

Steak (medium rare)
Eggs (over easy)
Hash Browns
Toast
Butter
Jam
Milk
Orange Juice

Alas, this meal wasn’t of his choosing, he actually declined a ‘special’ meal, so what you see here is the traditional last meal given to inmates who don’t feel the need to stuff their faces before they fry.

Horrible Ways to Die #5 – Boiled to Death by Dexychik

Boiled to death can only be described as a cruel and unusual punishment. In Britain, it was only legal for a few years in the sixteenth century. Introduced specifically for the death of a cook who was poisoning the food served to the poor by the Bishop of Rochester, only a handful of people were executed in this manner. One of these occasions was the death of a woman who poisoned her husband in King’s Lynn, where it was said her heart burst from her body and landed in a building. There is still a heart shaped stone to mark this grisly occurrence.

You can be boiled to death in water, oil or tallow (sheep flab). The body doesn’t do well under extreme temperature, either from within or without, and the pain of suffering extensive deep burns would knock you out pretty quickly. Death occurs due to hypovolaemic shock – or blood loss – as the exposed arteries rupture.

Although being boiled to death was, at one point, quite a popular execution method in Europe and Asia, it’s now limited to occasional torture murders in the Middle East. Yum.

Next time! Rabies!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Chaka Khan (61), Amanda Plummer (57), Damon Albarn (46), Perez Hilton (36), Kelly LeBrock (54), Lara Flynn Boyle (44), Alyson Hannigan (40), Aretha Franklin (72), Paul Michael Glaser (71), Elton John (67), Sarah Jessica Parker (49), Leonard Nimoy (83), Alan Arkin (80), James Caan (74), Diana Ross (70), Steven Tyler (66), Martin Short (64), Keira Knightley (29), Julian Glover (79), Michael York (72), Quentin Tarantino (51), Mariah Carey (44), Fergie (39), Dianne Wiest (66), Vince Vaughn (44), Lady GaGa (28), Eric Idle (71), Brendan Gleeson (59), Christopher Lambert (57), Elle Macpherson (51) and Lucy Lawless (46).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!