Here we are again, Sundays seem to turn around as quickly as a Cameron u-turn.  So, what’s happening in the world? Not a lot, some people died in Syria and nobody really gives a fuck, Miley Cyrus sluts herself on stage with Beetlejuice ands the world goes bonkers. Sadly the UK government have voted against sending the armed forces into Cyrus, which I’m sure she’d enjoy. I just feel for her dad, I bet he has an achy breaky heart when he sees how his daughter has turned out, maybe she’ll do something nice for his 52nd birthday, like cutting his hair, can’t be made much worse now can it?

And lo I wake up to the news that Sir David Frost has died, surprisingly, nobody had him, but it did mean I had to spend my breakfast time rewriting, the inconsiderate bastard! He could have waited a few more hours or at least die on a Saturday evening!

Look who you could have had:

• Julie Harris, 87, American Tony Award-winning actress (The Belle of Amherst, East of Eden, Knots Landing), heart failure.
• Mike Winters, 82, British comedian.
• William Froug, 91, American Emmy Award-winning television writer, producer (Bewitched, The Twilight Zone, Gilligan’s Island).
• Gerard Murphy, 64, British actor (Batman Begins, Doctor Who, Waterworld), prostate cancer.
• Cliff Morgan, 83, Welsh rugby player and broadcaster.
• Soledad Mexia, 114, Mexican-born American supercentenarian, oldest verified Mexican-born person and world’s fifth-oldest person, natural causes.
• Seamus Heaney, 74, Irish poet, laureate of the Nobel Prize in Literature (1995).
• John Mainstone, 78, Australian physics professor, custodian of the Pitch Drop Experiment, stroke.
• Sir David Frost, 74, British broadcaster (That Was the Week That Was, The Frost Report), heart attack.

In other news

Mike Tyson has finally admitted to himself that he has problems. Tyson told ESPN that he’s close to dying due to alcohol and drug abuse. The 47 year old ex-boxing champion and rapist wants to live a sober life and at the time of the interview he’d been six days dry. Not bad for the man who beat Frank Bruno into mental illness and obscurity. Know what I mean Harry.

Michael Douglas and Zeta Jones are taking ‘time apart’. Rumour has it they haven’t been seen together for over four months. After 13 years of marriage they seem to have finally realised they make a terrible couple. With the amount of illnesses they seem to have brought upon each other this may be bad news for us on the Dead  Pool, they might both recover. 🙁

In another crushing blow to everyones childhood memories, Rolf Harris has been officially charged with 13 counts of child abuse. I still cannot believe this to be true, but the strain of the whole thing could put the 83 year old ‘Animal Hospital’ presenter under undue pressure. He’s on suicide and heart attack watch. You would think The Queen would step in to save her longtime friend, but old Betty is keeping very quiet, especially since her friend Jimmy Savile got into the same pickle.

Nelson Mandela is still alive!!! Although my funny story about how he’s still in hospital had to be scrapped, the cunter decided he needs to go home. One can draw two conclusions from this. He’s feeling better and wants to go back to normality, or he’s going home to die. Now I’m not one to hedge my bets, but I’m going to give him four days!

Last weeks birthdays: Richard Gere (64), Macauley Culkin (33) still alive dammit!, Aaron Paul (34), Shania Twain (48), Sean Connery (83), Cameron Diaz (41), Billy Ray Cyrus (52), Jack Black (44), Claudia Schiffer (43), Van Morrison (68), Peter O’Toole (81), Leanne Rimes (31), Gene Simmons (64), Paul Reubens (61), Tim Burton (55), Elliott Gould (75), Warren Buffet (83), Chris Tucker (42), Elvis Costello (59), Rebecca DeMornay (54), Florence Welch (27), John McCain (77), Rachel Bilson (32) and Jason Priestly (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Yet another week has passed by, so here we are again, trying desperately to find some humour in the deaths of slightly famous people. Again, this week has been a slow one, no points to award, but at least we can point and laugh at Robert Plant, who is now officially a pensioner who gets to ride the bus for free.

Look who you could have had:

• Lee Thompson Young, 29, American actor (The Famous Jett Jackson, Friday Night Lights, Rizzoli & Isles), suicide by gunshot.
• Elmore Leonard, 87, American novelist (Get Shorty) and short-story writer (Three-Ten to Yuma), complications from a stroke.
• Ted Post, 95, American director (Hang ‘Em High, Magnum Force).
• Sid Bernstein, 95, American music producer and promoter, brought The Beatles and The Rolling Stones to the United States.
• Gilbert Taylor, 99, British cinematographer (Star Wars, The Omen, Dr. Strangelove).

In other news

Obviously, the first story we need to cover is the confirmation of Ben Affleck being cast as Batman. Now, I’ve reviewed the rules and I have to say, no, you are not allowed to use him in next years lists because it’s a sure thing, someone will kill him before the film will reach production, and I for one will be supporting the action, even paying for it.   I’m sure a few of you won’t know what all the fuss is about, but the film is expected to be the retelling of Miller’s classic novel, The Dark Knight Returns, where an aged, jaded and bitter Batman tries to kick Superman’s arse. I wont go into details, but seriously, Ben Affleck???? No, no, thrice NO, just no!

Our old friend, Dick Van Dyke had a lucky escape last week as he was rescued by a passer-by after he was found slumped behind the wheel of his car which caught fire on an L.A. motorway. Sadly he escaped uninjured but his Jaguar is now a burnt out shell. Poor Dick has been in the wars recently as you know, but he was also rescued in 2010 by a school of porpoises when he found himself adrift at sea on a surfboard. This man has a death wish!

Watch out! Carol Vorderman is about! The 52 year old ex-Countdown genius has just completed her first solo flight in the skies above me. The old tart is hoping to fly around the world on her own, following the path of Emilia Earhart, and we all know what happened to her! Are we going to suggest that Vorderman will plunge into the Pacific during her attempt? Yup!

The former ‘First Lady of Rock’, Linda Ronstadt, is no longer able to sing due to Parkinson’s Disease. Widely regarded as one of the best rock singers of the 70’s, even putting up with Aaron Neville for their hit song ‘Don’t Know Much’, is now struggling to walk. At 67 it’s hard to see a miraculous recovery for the once sexy singer, so keep her in mind for next year!

Finally, I’ll mention the largely unknown Nicola Peate. You won’t know her but she’s a prime candidate for an early death. The 25 year old Social Media Manager managed to dislocate her jaw by eating a triple-patty burger. Yup, she broke her face trying to stuff it. Sadly, she’s from Ormskirk, I’d be slightly less disbelieving if she was American.

Maybe we should get her to meet Saudi Arabia’s 96 stone fatty, who was moved by forklift from his home by royal decree. Mr Sharei is thought to be the second heaviest man ever recorded, well done that man, if you’re going to do it right, make sure you do it properly, or you’ll end up looking like this fat cunt on the right.

Onto the birthdays: Andrew Garfield (30), Amy Adams (39), Usain Bolt (27), Kirsten Wiig (40), Robert Plant (65), Carrie-Anne Moss (46), Ty Burrell (46), Robert Redford (77), Hayden Panettiere (30), Tori Amos (50), Bill Clinton (67), Steve Guttenberg (54), Rupert Grint (25), Christian Slater (44), Madeleine Stowe (55), Denis Leary (56), Matthew Perry (44), Edward Norton (44), Kim Cattrall (57), Don King (82), Kenny Rogers (75) and Roman Polanski (80).

2013 League Table

[Confidential] 

Next week peeps!

Good afternoon Poolers, sadly our list of notables is a bit bare again this week, but those who died did so at young ages, so a huge sadness as a vast amount of points have gone down the swanney, plus they’re dead. I think we all missed a good contender in young Prince Friso, we all knew he had a slight mishap with an avalanche last year, but none of us picked him up for our lists. Tut tut, we must try harder next year!

Look who you could have had:

• Prince Friso of Orange-Nassau, 44, Dutch royal, complications following 2012 skiing accident.
• Jon Brookes, 44, British drummer (The Charlatans), brain tumour.
• Gia Allemand, 29, American model and reality television star (The Bachelor), suicide by hanging.
• August Schellenberg, 77, Canadian-born American actor (Free Willy, Eight Below, The New World), lung cancer.

In other news

Much to his surprise, an ours, Fidel Castro is still alive and celebrated his 87th birthday last week. Little did he know that seven years ago, when he transferred power to his brother Raul due to a fatal sounding stomach ailment, he’d still be hanging in there in 2013. A stalwart of the Dead Pool for many years, Castro remains one of those elusive names that just wont die, but you know he’s guaranteed to die the year you don’t include him in your list!

Prince Philip has appeared at his first public engagement since he left hospital, saying that it’s ‘a great pleasure to be back in circulation again.’ I’m sure it is Phil, although a few of us would like to see your circulation permanently stop. The 92 year old managed to hand out a few medals to some undeserving sorts who apparently did some good for their community, well done Phil, surely you should get back up on one of your horses or something, give us some points!

You may have heard that R&B ‘star’ Chris Brown suffered a seizure last week, caused by stress whilst he was working in his studio it seems. His publicist claimed it was down to the “continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and nonstop negativity.” Well, if poor Chris wasn’t prepared for some negativity and a bit of hounding from the authorities, perhaps he should have kept his fists to himself rather than share them with Rhianna’s face. Just a thought…

Onto last weeks birthdays, the gorgeous Mila Kunis (30), Steve Carell (51), Magic Johnson (54), Ben Affleck (41), Halle Berry (47), James Cameron (59), Princess Anne (63), Natasha Henstridge (39), Madonna (55), Steve Martin (68), Hulk Hogan (60), Anna Gunn (45), Chris Hemsworth (30), George Hamilton (74), Mark Knopfler (64), Pete Sampras (42), Fidel Castro (87), Robert De Niro (70), Belinda Carlisle (55) and lastly, Sean Penn (53).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon Poolers, deaths were a bit thin on the ground last week, I must have forgotten to send out my flying monkeys, although one did escape and got me a munchkin. Although many notable deaths were recorded, I for one struggled to find names I’d even heard of, luckily for us there is a whole hoard of news to be getting on with.

Look who you could have had:

• Margaret Pellegrini, 89, American actress (The Wizard of Oz), one of the last surviving Munchkins, complications of a stroke.
• Karen Black, 74, American actress (Five Easy Pieces, Nashville, Easy Rider, The Great Gatsby), ampullary cancer.
• Sir Sandy Woodward, 81, British military officer, Royal Navy admiral (Falklands War).

In other news

Elton John, the man famous for having two first names, is recovering at home following surgery to remove his appendix. The 66 year old ignored the pain he was in for ten shows before he decided to seek attention. ‘I could have died’ he enthused to the gathered reporters, well you should have gone to the doctor nine shows ago you tit! Alas, he’s expected to make a full recovery in six weeks.

Another hapless wonder recovering from surgery is George W. Bush. The 67 year old underwent a small procedure to insert a stent in a blocked heart artery. Everyone’s favourite ex-President is in high spirits and isn’t expected to die any time soon. Strangely his approval rating went through the roof when people were thinking he was going to peg it, the first time its been positive in his entire career.

Elmore Leonard, author of Get Shorty and Out Of Sight has been hospitalised following a stroke. The 87 year old is a fighter we’ve been reliably told and is getting better every day, which probably means he’s stopped dribbling into his soup and has started to slur at his nurses. Much like Andrew Marr, who’s now sadly recovering from his stroke.

You may have heard that Dustin Hoffman has been treated for cancer. News is very sketchy on what kind of cancer he had but it was surgically removed and now the 75 year old is ‘feeling great’. Sounds quick and painless, must have been a brain tumour.  It’s also nice to see him pictured confirming that he does actually own a hand. Well done Dustin!

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Welcome my morbid minions to another writing of the Dead Pool. It’s with a heavy heart that I announce that Kang, one of the most feared Klingons in Star Trek history, has died. Also, none of us had him on our lists, which is even more of a travesty! I might even make a whole list of Trek actors next year, they’re all getting on a bit, even Kirk, but I expect he wont die unless he gets a chance to over-act his own death.

 Look who you could have had:

• Suzanne Krull, 47, American actress (Nash Bridges, Race to Witch Mountain, Go).
• Eileen Brennan, 80, American Emmy-winning actress (The Last Picture Show, Private Benjamin, Clue), bladder cancer.
• Christian Benítez, 27, Ecuadorian footballer (El Jaish SC, Birmingham City), heart failure.
• Michael Ansara, 91, Syrian-born American actor (Broken Arrow, Star Trek, Batman: The Animated Series).
• John Amis, 91, British broadcaster, classical music critic and writer.

In other news

Case closed! Doctors looking for a problem in Dick van Dyke’s brain when he complained of head pain in April, should have been looking in his mouth. The 87-year-old Mary Poppins actor revealed on Twitter that his mystery illness, previously described by his agent as a neurological problem, was actually a side effect from some earlier dental work. “It seems that my titanium dental implants are the cause of my head pounding,” he tweeted. Thank god for that! This world isn’t ready to lose our foremost cockney accent aficionado.

I suppose you’ve all heard that Britain’s most eligible homosexual has managed to get some lass up the duff. Yup, Simon Cowell has got some talent in him. What makes this story slightly worse is that he’s been releasing his X-factor into a married woman! For shame Simon!! He’s released a statement saying that all will be clear in due course and we should be respectful of peoples privacy. Looks like he’s trying to play Simon Says!

So onto last weeks birthdays: Paul Anka (71), Arnold Schwarzenegger (66), Jean Reno (65), Laurence Fishburn (52), Lisa Kudrow (50), Christopher Nolan (43), Hillary Swank (38), Wesley Snipes (51), J.K. Rowling (48), Dean Cain (47), Coolio (50), Peter O’Toole (81), Wes Craven (74), Sam Worthington (37), Edward Furlong (37), Tony Bennett (87), Martin Sheen (73), Martha Stewart (72) and John Landis (63).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!