Welcome one and all to this week’s edition of The Dead Pool. Another slow week points-wise, but there is a few things to cover. Many have mentioned the death of Dawn Berry, who committed suicide at the age of 36 due to alcoholism and depression. Alas, the most popular contestant on Come Dine With Me doesn’t cut the mustard on the Wiki list, so she’s officially not famous enough so her death means even less. *gulps on his very sad glass of wine* All that I can think to say about that is “I outlived her! Ner!”

Look who you could have had:

• Jay Robinson, 83, American actor (Dracula, Star Trek, The Waltons, The Robe).
• Tom Clancy, 66, American author (The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games).
• Vo Nguyen Giap, 102, Vietnamese general and politician, Minister of Defence (1976–1980).
• Anton Benning, 95, German World War II Luftwaffe ace.
• Ruth Maleczech, 74, American actress (Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, The Crucible), cancer.

In other news

Some of you may have noticed that Bruce Forsyth was missing from his regular slot on Strictly Come Dancing last night. The old doddering fool has the flu apparently. I for one welcomed the sight of Claudia Winkleman for the first time ever, which goes to show how much I hate old Brucie. Let’s hope the old cunt dies and gives us all a rest from his three hundred year old ‘entertainment’ career. I really feel sorry for his wife, a former Miss World!! Imagine the horror of having Brucie on top of you firing his dusty white love piss into you. I can only liken it to being fucked by an Egyptian Mummy!! The horror…

Not to be outdone by Angelina Jolie and Sharon Osbourne, Anastasia has followed suit toremove both her breasts. The 45 year old singer has previously survived a bout of cancer in 2003 and was thought to have had the all clear, alas her tits turned on her. As some of you know, I’m a boob man and this news is probably more devastating to me than to her. So please send your sympathies to me at the usual address…

Phillip, The Duke of Edinburgh, is said to be in ‘rude’ health as he began his first official engagement since having his exploratory operation to remove his soul. The 92 year old will be undertaking a further 13 official engagements this October, but most of them are at Buckingham Palace, just to make sure he doesn’t over-exert himself.  However the old fart had to use a walking stick, this is a very good sign for us.

On This Day

The 6th of October is renowned as the day that Charlotte Brontë published Jane Eyre, a mere 166 years ago, but this was overshadowed by Al Jolson starring in The Jazz Singer, the first ever talking movie in 1927, which wowed the audience of its day! So who died on this day? Alfred Tennyson (1892), W.K. Kellogg (1951), Anwar el-Sadat (1981) and Bette Davis (1989). It’s also been two years yesterday since Steve Jobs died. Doesn’t time iFly!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Gwen Stefani (44), Zach Gallflanakis (44), Kate Winslet (38), Jerry Lee Lewis (78), Susan Sarandon (67), Marion Cotillard (38), Tommy Lee (51), Julie Andrews (78), Eric Stoltz (52), Lorraine Bracco (59), Guy Pierce (46), Alicia Silverstone (37), Sting (62), Annie Leibovitz (64), Jesse Eisenberg (30), Neve Campbell (40), Chubby Checker (72), Lena Headey (40), Randy Quaid (63), Bob Geldoff (62), Karen Allen (62), Clive Owen (49), Liev Schreiber (46), Johnny Mathis (78), Monica Bellucci (49), Seann William Scott (37), Jackie Collins (76), Jimmy Carter (89) and Martina Hingis (33).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

I’ll have to admit, today has been a bit of a struggle to find anything interesting at all. It seems that last week was bereft of notable deaths, unless you’re into unknown prelates or American sports, both of which I know nothing about. But I’m not one to baulk at the lack of material, if pushed I’ll make it up, after all, you lot never read this far, you just look at the pictures, but just to confuse you I haven’t added any this week 😛

Look who you could have had:

• Christopher Koch, 81, Australian novelist (The Year of Living Dangerously), cancer.
• Kofi Awoonor, 78, Ghanaian poet and diplomat, shot.

In other news

Maggie Thatcher has finally been officially put to rest, or as some would say, thrown into the burning depths of hell.  Am I the only one wondering why it took five months to burn her body? I suppose all of Satan’s Minions are rather flame-proof…  She’s now in a small box a few feet underground at the Royal Infirmary in Chelsea if anyone is interested, perhaps it’s a good place to keep an eye out for the beginnings of the apocalypse.

Our old friend Nelson Mandela is still hanging on, which makes my prediction that heonly had four days to go seem silly now. President Zuma seems to think he’s doing quite well, but no real news as he wants us all to respect his privacy and dignity. I can only imagine that he’s already dead with a machine keeping him alive, which posts an interesting question, do I award the points??

On This Day

After last week’s amazingness of interesting facts, this week is rather shit again. This day is renowned in history as the day that Pope John Paul II went to Ireland *yawn* and we also saw the deaths of W.H. Auden in 1973 and Roy Lichtenstein in 1997. Seems that this newsletter was destined for utter mediocreness since time began!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Gwyneth Paltrow (41), Will Smith (45), Naomi Watts (45), Michael Douglas (69), Catherine Zeta-Jones (44), Mickey Rooney (93), Avril Lavigne (29), Bruce Springsteen (64), Heather Locklear (52), Mark Hamill (62), Joan Jett (55), Olivia Newton-John (65), Serena Williams (32), Julio Iglesias (70), Ditta Von Teese (41), Michael Madsen (56), David Coverdale (62), Mira Sorvino (46), Bryan Ferry (68), Hilary Duff (26), Meat Loaf (66), Tom Felton (26), Jim Caviezel (45), Brigitte Bardot (79), Bam Margera (34) and Andrea Bocelli (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

No points yet again this week, with only 14 weeks left to go it’s all to play for. Perhaps it’s time to put on your thinking caps and decide who will be on next years lists. You all know how difficult it is to be at the top of the league table now, so you need to do some homework if you want to avoid being on nil points again next year. If anyone has any bright ideas to liven up the Dead Pool for 2014, see what I did there?, please let me know.

Look who you could have had:

• Jackie Lomax, 69, English guitarist and singer-songwriter.
• Patsy Swayze, 86, American dancer and choreographer, mother of Patrick Swayze, complications from a stroke.
• Ken Norton, 70, American heavyweight boxer and actor (Mandingo, Drum), heart failure.
• Hiroshi Yamauchi, 85, Japanese businessman, President of Nintendo (1949–2002, 2002–2005), owner of Seattle Mariners, complications from pneumonia.

In Other News 

Last week’s big news was the announcement by The Big Yin aka Billy Connolly that he’s had an operation for prostate cancer and has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. The operation on the 70 year old comedian’s arse was a total success, however, the Parkinson’s is here to stay. Ironic that his career first took off after appearing on Parkinson’s chat show, now it looks like it’s going to end with Parkinson’s too.

Stephen Hawking has come out in support of assisted suicide, is he trying to tell us something here? Apparently not, he’s still an advocate of living life to the full regardless of whatever condition you may be suffering from, ‘there is still hope’, he opined. At 71 he’s been a stalwart of the Dead Pool for many years, initially only given ten years to live, fifty years ago! I would imagine his consultant got fired for that error. Perhaps he’s finally thinking of even deeper questions. Perhaps a good shout for next year?

Here’s a nice bloke for you to wish death upon, his name is Geoffrey Portway, a Brit living in the States. He’s just been jailed for 26 years for plotting to kidnap, rape, kill and eat a small child. Now, I’m not one to like paedophiles at the best of times, but this sad individual is even taking kiddie fiddling to a new level. Eating a kid? Really? Mind you, from the photo he looks like he could quite easily devour a small human.

On This Day

After last week’s disastrous new debut feature, I thought I’d give it another try, hopefully it will be more interesting today. September 22nd is mostly renowned for Abraham Lincoln issuing the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing all slaves in the US, but let’s be honest, that was 151 years ago, we’re more interested in the comedy show Friends being first aired and CBS being fined $550k over Janet Jackson’s boob on live TV.  But who died on this day I hear you ask, George C. Scott (1999), Marcel Marceau (2007), Eddie Fisher (2010) and Irvine Berlin (1989). See, it wasn’t so shit this time..

Last Week’s Birthdays 

Faith Hill (46), Tommy Lee Jones (67), Prince Harry (29), Jada Pinkett Smith (42), Elvira Mistress of the Dark (62), Victoria Silvstedt (39), Mickey Rourke (61), Sophia Loren (79), Lauren Bacall (89), Adam West (85), Bill Murray (63), Jennifer Tilly (55), Liam Gallagher (41), Ricki Lake (45), Stephen King (66), B.B. King (88), Alphonso Ribeiro (42), Jeremy Irons (65), Twiggy (64), Lance Armstrong (42), David Copperfield (57) and Oliver Stone (67).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

A week full of unknowns, but I bet you’ve all sampled a wafer thin After Eight mint and I’m sure you all know about Dolby, even if you didn’t realise it was named after the inventor.  Goes without saying that we have nil points to dispense, so if you’re stuck there at the bottom of the league table, don’t feel bad, at least you’re not the subject of this newsletter.

Look who you could have had:

• Louise Currie, 100, American film actress (Adventures of Captain Marvel, Citizen Kane).
• Ray Dolby, 80, American inventor (Dolby NR, surround sound), leukemia.
• Otto Sander, 72, German actor (Wings of Desire, Das Boot).
• Brian Sollitt, 74, Chocolatier, inventor of the After Eight chocolate mint.
• Salustiano Sanchez, 112, American supercentenarian, world’s oldest living man.

In other news

Remember Bob Geldof? The architect of Band Aid and everyone’s favourite living zombie has revealed to the nation that he’s going to be the first Irish astronaut in 2014. Wonderful what money can buy you isn’t it. One would have thought Bob would have donated his millions to Africa, now it looks like he wanted our cash to fund his trip into space. Elvis may have left the building, but Bob is going to leave the planet, let’s hope he burns up on re-entry and scores us some points, the rich bastard!

Left wing politician Tony Benn has been admitted to hospital after ‘feeling unwell’. The 88 year old former cabinet minister is said to be resting comfortably and in no immediate danger of dying, so surely this means he’s only got days to live.

I’m going to take this opportunity to declare the death of Microsoft. The once mighty giant of computing has practically admitted defeat in slowly firing its boss, pulling derogatory adverts about Apple because they were truly shit, and last but not least, offering consumers £200 vouchers if they will trade in their iPad’s for a Surface. Yes Microsoft, you have finally lost the plot.

And now for something a little different. I thought I’d try out a new feature, Died on this Day. Pretty much what the title says.  On the day that the picture of Marilyn Monroe trying her best to hold her famous white dress down was taken, we lost… well, nobody interesting.  If it was yesterday I could have mentioned Patrick Swayze (2009) and Grace Kelley (1982). But at least we discovered Penicillin 85 years ago on this day. Well, that was a bit of a failure wasn’t it….

Onto last weeks birthdays: Michelle Williams (33), Colin Firth (53), Pink (34), Hugh Grant (53), Harry Connick Jnr (46), Adam Sandler (47), Eric Stonestreet (42), Henry Thomas (42) Elliott from ET is 42!!! Linda Gray (73), Joe Perry (63), Rachel Hunter (44), David Arquette (42), Sam Neill (66), Stella McCartney (42), Moby (48), Virginia Madsen (52), Michael Buble (38) and Guy Richie (45).

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Hello all, another Sunday is upon us and a massive hangover here too. So please bear with me as I struggle to compile this week’s newsletter whilst popping painkillers and drinking pints of water. Not much to report, nobody has scored anything in a while, so I’m contemplating sending out the flying monkeys.

Look who you could have had:

• Frederik Pohl, 93, American science fiction author (Man Plus, Gateway).
• David Jacobs, 87, British radio and television broadcaster (Juke Box Jury, Any Questions?).
• Ariel Castro, 53, American convicted kidnapper and rapist, suicide by hanging.
• Rochus Misch, 96, German SS non-commissioned officer, last survivor of the Führerbunker.

In other news

George Bush Snr had a senior moment, he prematurely sent a condolence email about the death of Nelson Mandela. Bit trigger happy there Mr Bush, he’s still very much alive, unless you know more about it that the rest of us! Keep that email on ice for a few days though, you can use it again.

The Oscar winning actor, Jack Nicholson, has announced his retirement from acting. In a statement released last week the 76 year old admitted he can no longer remember his lines. A great shame for such a screen presence, but as you know, people who retire usually die pretty soon after. Points anyone?

Here’s a section of people to keep an eye on, for more than the usual reasons. US porn stars are falling foul of HIV, there have been five reported cases in the last few weeks and we all know that *insert ominous tune* AIDS kills you dead! I might have to undertake some research, for the dead pool you understand…

And finally, last weeks birthday’s: Beyonce Knowles (32), Keanu Reeves (49), Pippa Middleton (30), Charlie Sheen (48), Raquel Welch (73), Salma Hayek (47)!!!!, Damon Wayans (53), Michael Keaton (62), Lily Tomlin (74), Chrissie Hynde (62), Barry Gibb (67), Evan Rachel Wood (26), Gloria Estefan (56), Rose McGowan (40) and Idris Elba (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!