2014 already, a new year and a bunch of new lists to memorise. We have almost doubled in number this year, which does mean I’m now having to remember forty lists which is technically over 500 names, luckily some of them are the same. So due to the unprecedented participation this year, you will have to help me by pointing out if you have an obscure death on your list. I don’t expect you to shout from the rooftops if this years favourite, Prince Philip, finally kicks the bucket, I’m sure I’ll notice him on your lists, just those easily missable ones. Anyhow, without further ado, let’s kick off this year by having a quick look at the demises you should have foretold!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• James Avery, 68, American actor (The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), complications from surgery.
• John Fortune, 74, British comedian (Bremner, Bird and Fortune) and actor (Match Point), leukaemia.
• Juanita Moore, 99, American actress (Imitation of Life).
• Dorothy Baldwin, 111, British supercentenarian.
• Saul Zaentz, 92, American film producer (One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The English Patient) and music executive, Alzheimer’s disease.
• Alicia Rhett, 98, American actress (Gone with the Wind) and portrait painter, natural causes.
• Phil Everly, 74, American singer and musician (The Everly Brothers), lung disease.

In Other News

If you haven’t heard that Michael Schumacher was in a small skiing mishap last week, then may I suggest you crawl back under your stone. Currently he’s in an induced medical coma to try and relieve the swelling on his brain which will hopefully stop him becoming a cabbage. Let’s be honest here, if there is one man who is capable of surviving this kind of trauma, Schumacher is that man. He has previously endured some epic F1 crashes with barely a scratch, the man is super fit and undoubtedly has millions to help that wonderful private healthcare he’s receiving. Lesser men like myself would have already been cremated after sub-standard treatment by the NHS.

Everyones favourite ‘alleged paedophile’, Rolf Harris, is being charged with a further three counts of fucking children. The 84 year old entertainer is due in court on the 14th of January and is said to be contesting all allegations. At 84, the stress of a public trial could easily push the man towards the reaper. I bet he regrets singing about those two little boys now.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush is currently in hospital with pneumonia. The 88 year old is said to be doing well and is receiving excellent care. The wife of the 41st President and mother of the 43rd has not had it easy health wise. In 2009 she underwent heart surgery for a narrowing of the main heart valve, she also underwent surgery on 2008 for a perforated ulcer. She has more recently been hospitalised after having a mild relapse of Graves disease as well. Just goes to prove that Obamacare does work!

Doctors say that the condition of former Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon has deteriorated. Sharon has been a stalwart of the Dead Pool since 2006 after he suffered a series of strokes and slipped into a coma, where he’s been ever since in a vegetative state. According to reports his kidneys have finally given up on him, I bet he’s over the moon, I know I would be.

Pakistan’s former military ruler Pervez Musharraf is in hospital after his lawyers said he suffered chest pains on his way to court for his treason trial. The 70-year-old was transferred to the Armed Forces Cardiology Hospital in Rawalpindi and is undergoing tests. It’s the third time the former president has failed to appear in court following two previous security scares. He is the first former military ruler to face trial for treason in Pakistan, which has a history of army rule. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to death or life in prison. There’s been no word on his condition.

On This Day

• 1066 – Edward the Confessor dies childless, sparking a succession crisis that will eventually lead to the Norman conquest of England.
• 1757 – Louis XV of France survives an assassination attempt by Robert-François Damiens, the last person to be executed in France by drawing and quartering, the traditional and gruesome form of capital punishment used for regicides.
• 1914 – The Ford Motor Company announces an eight-hour workday and a minimum wage of $5 for a day’s labor.
• 1919 – The German Workers’ Party, which would become the Nazi Party, is founded.
• 1933 – Construction of the Golden Gate Bridge begins in San Francisco Bay.
• 1940 – FM radio is demonstrated to the Federal Communications Commission for the first time.
• 1944 – The Daily Mail becomes the first transoceanic newspaper.
• 1972 – United States President Richard Nixon orders the development of a Space Shuttle program.

Deaths

• 1066 – Edward the Confessor, English king (b. 1004)
• 1922 – Ernest Shackleton, Irish explorer (b. 1874)
• 1933 – Calvin Coolidge, American politician, 30th President of the United States (b. 1872)
• 1941 – Amy Johnson, English aviator (b. 1903)
• 1998 – Sonny Bono, American singer-songwriter, producer, actor, and politician (Sonny & Cher) (b. 1935)

Thank Fuck He’s She’s Dead by KoA

Serial killers tend to be men by an overwhelming margin. In fact, there’s no definitive profile for female serial killers. But if history and evidential testimony are correct, a woman is the most prolific serial killer of all time.

Erzsébet (Elizabeth) Bathory, a Hungarian countess, is believed to have killed as many as 650 people during the 54 years she lived. And exactly how the world’s most prolific serial killer took the lives of her victims has proven grisly fodder for storytellers.

Bram Stoker is believed to have been inspired by the countess: His Count Dracula is supposedly a hybrid of Wallachian prince Vlad Tepes and Bathory.

The woman who came to be known as the “Blood Countess,” was born into Hungarian nobility in 1560. She is said to have suffered from fits and outbursts of rage, possibly even epilepsy.

From an early age, she witnessed her father’s officers torture the peasantry that lived near her family’s estate. Most historical analysis of the countess includes young Elizabeth as a witness to a captured thief being sewn into the stomach of a dying horse and left to perish.

Bathory had a penchant for torturing young girls in particular; historians posit that she was bisexual and gained sexual gratification from torture. The acts she committed ranged from driving needles through her servants’ lips and fingernails, to leaving her victims naked in the snow, dousing them with water and letting them freeze to death. One servant girl was beaten by Bathory and an accomplice for stealing a pear. The clubbing was so bloody that Bathory had to change her shirt. The girl was beaten for hours and finally stabbed to death with a pair of scissors.

Perhaps the most notorious legend about Bathory is that she bathed in her victims’ blood. Inevitably, this led to rumours that the countess was a vampire. The official testimony of the murders, which is still in existence in Hungarian archives, is both questionable and convicting in nature.

Late in 1610, Elizabeth’s cousin conducted a raid on her castle. Inside, there were already dead victims and some imprisoned, supposedly awaiting death. Bathory’s accomplices were arrested and put on trial, she never was. Instead, she was walled into her room, with just enough space for air and food to pass through. She spent the remaining four years of her life there, until she was found dead on the floor in 1614.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Ted Danson (66), Marianne Faithfull (67), Danny McBride (37), Julia Ormond (48), Jude Law (41), Patti  Smith (67), Michael Nesmith (71), Tracey Ullman (54), Jon Voight (75), Jay Kay (44), Ellie Goulding (27), Eliza Dushku (33), Tiger Woods (38), Ben Kingsley (70), Anthony Hopkins (75), Val Kilmer (54), Frank Langella (76), Verne Troyer (45), Psy (36), Dabney Coleman (82), Tia Carrere (47), Mel Gibson (58), Cuba Golding Jnr (46), Kate Bosworth (31), Michael Schumacher (45) and Michael Stipe (54).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

2013 was a bittersweet year for many of us, but at least we are still here to play the game. Here’s a review of the people we lost and scored points with over the last year.

January

We saw Death Wish director and food critic Michael Winner die at the age of 77 from liver problems that had plagued him for many years. Conrad Bain (pictured between Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman), best known as the affable dad in 1980s sitcom Diff’rent Strokes, passed away aged 89. And British actress Sophiya Haque, a West End star who had appeared in Coronation Street, died aged 41 having been diagnosed with cancer before Christmas.

February

Richard Briers (top left), star of TV’s The Good Life, Ever Decreasing Circles and Monarch of the Glen, died aged 79. Reg Presley (right), who as the lead singer with 1960s band The Troggs had hits with Wild Thing and Love is All Around, died at 71. And US classical pianist Van Cliburn passed away aged 78, two years after being honoured by President Obama with the National Medal of Arts.

March

Actor Richard Griffiths, who died in March aged 65, was beloved by one generation as Uncle Monty in Withnail and I and celebrated by another as Vernon Dursley in the Harry Potter films. Frank Thornton (top centre), who was 92 at the time of his death, played stern characters in Are You Being Served? and Last of the Summer Wine. In March we also said goodbye to British horror author James Herbert (right) and jazz trumpeter Kenny Ball (bottom), who died aged 69 and 82 respectively.

April

April saw Ruth Prawer Jhabvala (left), the Oscar-winning screenwriter of such acclaimed Merchant Ivory productions as Howards End and A Room with a View, died aged 85. George Jones (top right), the US country singer who had a string of number one songs between the 1950s and 1990s, died aged 81. And the veteran movie reviewer Roger Ebert, the first man to receive a Pulitzer Prize for film criticism, finally lost his long battle with cancer at the age of 70.

May

The world bid farewell to 92-year-old Ray Harryhausen (top left), the visual effects master whose stop-motion wizardry enhanced such movies as Jason and the Argonauts and Clash of the Titans, and 34-year-old Chris Kelly, better known as one half of 1990s rap duo Kris Kross. Two sitcom giants also went to the great green room in the sky: Dad’s Army star Bill Pertwee (bottom left), who died aged 86, and Hi-de-Hi! actor Paul Shane (bottom right), who died aged 72.

June

The death of Scottish author Iain Banks at the age of 59 came just two months after his announcement that he had terminal cancer. The same month also saw The Sopranos star James Gandolfini succumb to a heart attack in Italy aged 51. Blott on the Landscape author Tom Sharpe passed away in Spain at the age of 85, while swimming champion-turned-movie star Esther Williams died in her sleep in Los Angeles aged 91.

July

The entertainment world was rocked in July by the sudden demise of Glee star Cory Monteith (left), who died from a heroin and alcohol overdose in a Vancouver hotel aged 31. The same month saw (clockwise from top middle) Bernie Nolan die at the age of 52 following a long battle with breast cancer, comedian Mel Smith die of a heart attack aged 60, former policeman turned “tough guy” actor Dennis Farina die aged 69 and former EastEnders actress Anna Wing die at the age of 98.

August

Two literary giants signed off during the month of August: the Irish poet and Nobel laureate Seamus Heaney (top left), who died aged 74, and the crime and western author Elmore Leonard (top right), who passed away aged 87. Jon Brookes (bottom left), drummer with British indie band The Charlatans, died aged 44, while Sid Bernstein, the concert promoter who staged the Beatles and the Rolling Stones’ early US shows, died aged 95.

September

September saw us bid farewell to two broadcasting Davids. The month began with the news that Sir David Frost, the veteran interlocutor who interviewed countless presidents, prime ministers and celebrities, had died aboard the Queen Elizabeth cruise liner at the age of 74. His passing was followed by that of 87-year-old David Jacobs, the veteran radio presenter with the soothing voice whose career spanned seven decades.

October

October took with it the British sculptor Sir Anthony Caro, who died of a heart attack at the age of 89, the best-selling US author Tom Clancy, who died in Baltimore at the age of 66, and singer and former Velvet Underground frontman Lou Reed, who died at the age of 71. The month also saw the sad deaths of British film director Antonia Bird and the actor Nigel Davenport, aged 54 and 85 respectively.

November

Fans of US actor Paul Walker (left), star of the Fast and the Furious films, were stunned when he perished in a car crash on 30 November at the age of 40 along with his friend and business partner Roger Rodas. The month had earlier seen the deaths of the British Nobel Prize-winning author Doris Lessing (top right) at the age of 94 and the leading British composer Sir John Tavener at the age of 69.

December

The end of the year brought the sad departures of the legendary Lawrence of Arabia actor Peter O’Toole (left) at the age of 81, Hollywood actress Joan Fontaine, star of the Alfred Hitchcock thrillers Rebecca and Suspicion, at the age of 96, and the distinguished sports commentator David Coleman (right), who died aged 87. We also said goodbye to Paul Torday, the British author who gave us Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.

And of course, we can’t end without mentioning the passing of one of the greatest men to have walked upon this earth, Nelson Mandela. Nothing need to be said about the man, but history will remember him.

The above was blatantly ripped off the BBC News Website, they can go fuck themselves over copyright, I don’t give a fuck! 😛

Welcome to the very last newsletter of 2013, and if you don’t get your lists in pronto, it will be the last one you’ll see. This is how it works, I only send out the email to the people who take part, so no list, no email and you will be forever forgotten, much like an X-factor winner from 2007.

Lets dispense some points shall we? Moomin has improved upon his ‘always score nothing’ in predicting his second death of the year! He correctly guessed Mikhail Kalashnikov would bite the bullet thus scoring himself a tidy 56 points, boosting him from the bottom of the table to the bottom quarter of the table, a giddy high for him 😛

Unless something drastic happens, with little over two days left to go, I am provisionally going to declare Dave the winner with 597 points, Rebecca second with 519 points and last years winner, Paul C, coming third with 453 points.

The rest of us are just rather shit at this game, better luck next time. I’ve included a .pdf of the lists with the email, so if you would like to double check your list, just in case I’ve missed someone, if I have, you can shout at me that I’m a shite Death Master who can’t count.

I know that Dave will not let you rest on your laurels, I’m sure his list will be as successful in 2014, so the rest of us need to get our thinking caps on, we can’t have him winning two years in a row, once is enough as he surely wont stop mentioning the fact down the pub as it is…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Herb Geller, 85, American jazz saxophonist, pneumonia.
• Al Goldstein, 77, American publisher and pornographer, renal failure.
• David Richards, 57, British record producer.
• Addison Cresswell, 53, British comedy agent and manager.
• Mikhail Kalashnikov, 94, Russian weapons designer (AK-47, AK-74).
• Ricky Lawson, 59, American drummer (Michael Jackson, Phil Collins), brain aneurysm.
• Jeff Pollack, 54, American film director (Booty Call) and television producer (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air), natural causes.
• Allan McKeown, 67, British film producer (Tracey Takes On…), pancreatic cancer.

In Other News

Katie Price aka Jordan has revealed that she’s feeling a bit poorly. The glamour model has had a “nightmare” in the run up to Christmas having visited the hospital over the weekend after she posted a message on her Twitter page in the early hours of Saturday morning saying she had been put on a drip by doctors. She wrote “Still soo poorly problem getting worse no meds are helping such s*** times 🙁 … Great in hospital on a drip.” She later added: “Out of hos go back again in 48 hours mri scan had morning of needles my worst nightmare, time to concentrate on getting ready for christmas.” Surely that’s the most pricks she’s seen in some time! Let’s hope she recovers, nobody would want to take her place as her son’s punchbag/sextoy.

In a quest to find another news story, I stumbled upon Paul McCartney taking a swim, who’d have thought the Daily Mail would publish such things! The sad thing is, the former Beatle, who is 71, looks far better than I do.  Must have something to do with having a younger wife, but even at 52, she also looks better than me. Maybe it’s the millionaires lifestyle, I’m sure I’d be running with joy through the surf if I had heaps of cash and a young wifelet who’s only after one thing, but who cares, she has to put up with the old man sex before she gets Linda’s share of the cash.

On This Day

• 1170 – Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, is assassinated inside Canterbury Cathedral by followers of King Henry II; he subsequently becomes a saint and martyr in the Anglican Church and the Catholic Church.
• 1851 – The first American YMCA opens in Boston, Massachusetts.
• 1860 – The first British seagoing ironclad warship, HMS Warrior is launched.
• 1890 – Wounded Knee Massacre on Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, 300 Lakota killed by the US Army.
• 1937 – The Irish Free State is replaced by a new state called Ireland with the adoption of a new constitution.
• 1959 – Physicist Richard Feynman gives a speech entitled “There’s Plenty of Room at the Bottom“, which is regarded as the birth of nanotechnology.
• 2003 – The last known speaker of Akkala Sami dies, rendering the language extinct.
• 2006 – UK settles its Anglo-American loan – post WWII loan debt.

Deaths

• 1170 – Thomas Becket, English archbishop (b. 1118)
• 1926 – Rainer Maria Rilke, Austrian author and poet (b. 1875)
• 1986 – Harold Macmillan, English captain and politician, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1894)
• 2003 – Bob Monkhouse, English comedian, actor, and game show host (b. 1928)
• 2007 – Kevin Greening, English radio host (b. 1962)
• 2012 – William Rees-Mogg, English journalist (b. 1928)

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by KoA

Nikolai Dzhumagaliev is a Kazakh serial killer and cannibal known as “Metal Fang” for his unusual white metal teeth. He was found to have killed seven women before he was caught in 1980 and it was suspected that he may have killed many more, some sources put the total number of victims at 50-100. He apparently made it his mission to rid the world of prostitutes, perhaps if he’d used their services from time to time he wouldn’t have ended up like he did.

He would stalk his victims in secluded areas in Uzun-Agach, break into their houses, then kill them. He would cannibalise his victims, drink their blood and practiced necrophilia,  sometimes fucking the stab wounds he inflicted. He would often kill his female victims with an axe, carve the meat and serve it to his friends at dinners. Nom nom…

Dzhumagaliev’s crimes were discovered when two drunk friends, whom he invited over to his house for “snacks”, found a human head and intestines in his fridge. He was found not responsible for his murders due to insanity, and he was committed to a mental institution in Tashkent.

He escaped in 1989 while being transported to another facility. It’s unknown if Dzhumagaliev committed murders during the time he was on the run, but it was suspected that he might have traveled as far as Moscow, so anything is possible.

He was re-captured in 1991 in Fergana but Dzhumagaliev’s fate in the 1990’s is unclear. Some sources said that he was released and returned to Uzun-Agach, where people remembered his crimes and humiliated him. There is no record how the Kazakh people humiliate their serial killers so we will have to use our imaginations.  However it must have been horrendous as he asked to be taken back to the asylum.

During the mid 2000’s, Dzumagaliev remained in a psychiatric clinic but doctors believed that he was cured and could be released. Dead or alive, nobody is sure where he is today…

Last Week’s Birthdays

Ralph Fiennes (51), Harry Shearer (70), Dave Murray (57), Lemmy (68), Ricky Martin (42), Stephenie Meyer (40), Ryan Seacrest (39), Louis Tomlinson (22), Jimmy Buffett (67), Sissy Spacek (64), Annie Lennox (59), Shane McGowan (56), Dido (42), Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on Sesame Street) (80), Phil Spector (74), Lars Ulrich (50), Jared Leto (42), Gerard Depardieu (65), David Knopfler (61), Stan Lee (91), Nichelle Nichols (81), Maggie Smith (79), Denzel Washington (59) and Sienna Miller (32).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Welcome all to the pre-Christmas edition of the Dead Pool. This edition is specially written for you, not from the deepest darkest depths of Hell, but Wales. One can argue the differences on another occasion, I for one can’t see any!

Anyhow, points! Lots of points! Two stalwarts of the Dead Pool have passed away this week, must be the cold weather. I told you there’s a lot to play for! Liz was the only one who had Joan Fontaine this year, plus she selected her as her Woman, thus garnering her 154 points! Also with Ronnie Biggs biting the bullet, Wendy, Martin, Paul C, Dave and Rebecca all scored a further 66 points. With this bout of scoring we now have two clear frontrunners with ten days to go.

Yes! 10 days to go! Do I need to remind you to get your lists sorted out and submitted? I hope not. Now if you did submit one last week to the deadpool@kingofankh.co.uk email address and didn’t get a reply from me, please resubmit it, I seemed to have had issues there so I may not have received it.

*edit* I forgot to mention Peter O’Toole, he died on the cusp of writing last weeks and publishing the blog. I thought I covered him last week, but alas I didn’t, so to make up for it, he gets his very own mention and also Ken who had him also scores 69 points!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Joan Fontaine, 96, British-American Oscar-winning actress (Rebecca, Suspicion), natural causes.
• Harold Camping, 92, American evangelist and doomsday predictor.
• Ronnie Biggs, 84, English criminal (Great Train Robbery) and fugitive.
• David Coleman, 87, British television sports commentator and presenter.
• Lord Infamous, 40, American rapper (Three 6 Mafia).
• Peter O’Toole, 81, British-Irish actor (Lawrence of Arabia, The Lion in Winter, Becket, Troy).

In Other News

London had a bad week of it, firstly theatre goers got squished by falling plaster at The Apollo, must have been a very good show to bring the house down! *ahem*. Shame it only came down on the audience, imagine the carnage if the lighting rig above the stage came down during a high profile show! So many dead actors! Andrew Lloyd Webber commented that most of London’s theatres are in such disrepair that he was surprised something like this hadn’t already happened! Maybe a list full of theatre actors is the way to go!  Jimmy Carr isn’t such a long shot anymore!

I could also mention the bus crash, but lets face it, how many celebs would be found dead on a bus? Yeah… Let us look more closely at cycling celebs, mainly politicians trying to be eco-friendly and shaming us into trying it out for ourselves but mostly looking like self-righteous cunts because we all know we’re much safer in our cars. I’d be tempted to make a list of cycling politicians and somehow finding myself hiring cars in the London area,  sadly this contravenes the rules of the Dead Pool. *sigh*

Unhappily, I can’t ignore the fact that a countryman of mine has been doing terrible things. Yes, Ian ‘H’ Watkins from the band Steps has been making music again… Seriously now, I actually mean Ian Watkins, the lead singer of The Lost Prophets. You may have heard that he’s been sentenced to 35 years for fucking a baby boy. A sentence that in this day and age is one I can almost agree upon, at least it wasn’t 10 years with parole in 5 like they usually get, although I’d much prefer guys like him to be slowly broken on the wheel over the course of a decade. Death is certainly too good for that cunt! Luckily the prison system will not favour a person of his tastes and fame, I’m giving him a couple of months before he gets shanked at the least. I’m sure that will be Mega Lolz for him. Cunt!

On This Day

• 1956 – Colo, the first gorilla to be bred in captivity, is born at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium in Ohio.
• 1965 – In the United Kingdom, a 70 mph speed limit is applied to all rural roads including motorways for the first time. Previously, there had been no speed limit.
• 1989 – Berlin‘s Brandenburg Gate re-opens after nearly 30 years, effectively ending the division of East and West Germany.
• 2001 – Richard Reid attempts to destroy a passenger airliner by igniting explosives hidden in his shoes aboard American Airlines Flight 63.
• 2010 – The repeal of the Don’t ask, don’t tell policy, the 17-year-old policy banning homosexuals serving openly in the United States military, is signed into law by President Barack Obama.

Deaths

• 1880 – George Eliot, English author and journalist (b. 1819)
• 1943 – Beatrix Potter, English author and illustrator (b. 1866)
• 1965 – Richard Dimbleby, English journalist and broadcaster (b. 1913)

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

Now this may come as quite a surprise to you. It came as somewhat of a surprise to me too, but it was something of a stab in the dark really, when I realise that I haven’t done my TFHD and it’s almost 10pm on Saturday evening… That’s right, it’s everybody’s favourite conspicuously-Caucasian Middle-Eastern Jew, Jesus Christ.

JC (as my dad calls him) was born right at the start of it all in the year 1. Some believe him not to have been born at all, and others think he was born four years before or after his own birth. Whatever the timing, it made a lot of people very angry, and has widely been regarded as a bad move.

Not a lot is known about Jesus’ early years, as the council of Nicaea  voted on which gospels to include in the bible, and basically vetoed anything that didn’t portray Jesus as being the literal son of God. The story kind of skips his adolescent years, until we catch up again with Jesus in his twilight years (his early thirties) hanging around with a bunch of dudes wearing dresses. He is believed to have performed miracles such as walking on water, trapping mobile  phones in glass bottles and walking down the side of a skyscraper.

It could be said that Jesus was the first hippy. Maybe everybody was just tripping on LSD when he showed up at Woodstock in AD29 trying to feed five thousand people with a couple of fish sandwiches. To cut a long story short, he preached a different kind of Judaism, that cut out all the blood-and-thunder anger and vengeance of the Old Testament.

The Jewish elders didn’t take to this too kindly, especially Jesus’ claims to be a direct line to God – they wanted the monopoly on salvation all to themselves. They tag-teamed with the Roman governor Pontius Pilate to have Jesus arrested and crucified as an example to others  who would dare try to usurp their power and authority.

Whether you believe Jesus was the literal son of God, or that he was just some crazy fucker who woke up one day with dreams of appearing on some Texan woman’s toast, if he hadn’t pissed off the Jews and gotten himself killed then there would be no Christmas. Fair enough, there wouldn’t be any Christians either, and the world would have probably been a much more peaceful place for the last 2000 years, but when it comes down to a toss up between world peace and free socks, I know what I would choose.

Don’t try to pretend you wouldn’t make the same choice as me. Thank fuck he’s dead, and merry Christmas to all you sick fuckers.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tim Conway (80), Cindy Birdsong (74), Dave Clark (71), Don Johnson (64), Stuart Townsend (41), Liv Ullman (75), Benny Anderson (67), Billy Gibbons (64), Bernard Hill (69) Ernie Hudson (68), Eugene Levy (67), Paul Rodgers (64), Bill Pullman (60), Sarah Dallin of Bananarama (52), Laurie Holden (44), Milla Jovovich (38), Keith Richards (70), Steven Spielberg (67), Leonard Maltin (63), Ray Liotta (58), Brad Pitt (50), Katie Holmes (35),  Christina Aguilera (33), Jennifer Beals (50), Kristy Swanson (44), Alyssa Milano (41), Jake Gyllenhaal (33), John Hillerman (81), Jenny Agutter (61), Jonah Hill (30), Phil Donahue (78),  Jane Fonda (76), Samuel L. Jackson (65), Kiefer Sutherland (47) and Julie Delpy (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Here we are again, where does the time go? No points to award this week but with little over two weeks left to go, I’m hoping for a late surge of point scoring. I wont moan at you to get your lists in just yet, but please remember to work on them, the more of you that join in the greater the hilarity will be. Try to think outside the box, all of the lists looking the same also begets a boring year. Try to find those young cancer sufferers or potential drug overdoses for example, the younger they are at time of death the more points you will get!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Don Mitchell, 70, American actor (Ironside, I Dream of Jeannie, CHiPs).
• Eleanor Parker, 91, American actress (The Sound of Music, Detective Story), pneumonia.
• Audrey Totter, 95, American actress (Medical Center).
• Jang Sung-taek, 67, North Korean politician, Vice-Chairman of the National Defence Commission (2010–2013), executed.
• Wyn Roberts, Baron Roberts of Conwy, 83, Welsh politician, MP for Conwy (1970–1997).

In Other News

Things aren’t going well for N-Dubz, a couple of weeks ago Dappy got kicked in the face by a horse, now we have Tulisa Contostavlos being charged with supplying class A drugs! The singer and former X Factor judge must be finding times hard if she has to peddle some cocaine, perhaps she should have found more discerning customers other than a Sun journalist, maybe Nigella Lawson. Looks like she’ll be going down because she’s been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, so a stint in a class A prison might be enough to send the only musical member of N-Dubz to suicide?

If you are struggling with your Dead Pool list, worry not, you might not have to complete one. Apparently the super volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park has been found to be nearly three times larger than originally thought and well overdue for a little bang. They now estimate that the cavern is around 55 miles in diameter and should it decide to explode, it would decimate the entire North American Continent and bugger up the climate for the rest of us. The only saving grace is the fact that it is in America, it has blown before but the rest of us survived, so happy days!

I suppose we cannot continue without mentioning the Mandela Mourning Period. Of course, such a great man deserves all the honours a country can bestow upon him, he is after all the modern day Gandhi.

But the media, rather than celebrating the life of the man himself,  have taken it upon themselves to concentrate upon other things, like the well hired Thamsanqa Jantjie, the slightly bonkers sign language interpreter who can’t sign for toffee, turns out he’s also a violent schizophrenic with a criminal history. You have to admire the guys cajones, a lesser man wouldn’t have the balls to stand at one of the worlds most televised moments in modern history and wing it! Less said about him the better.

We also have Desmond Tutu, moaning that he wasn’t invited. Well, I’m sure that the millions of others that attended weren’t invited either mate, so stop spitting out your dummy  and man up! I doubt anybody would have checked the guest list, you’re fucking Desmond Tutu!

They also pounced upon the Obama, Cameron and Schmidt selfie. Both men swooped on the chance of taking a picture with one of politics most attractive female representatives, much to Michelle Obama’s disgust, I’m sure Barak didn’t get his Presidential blow job that evening!

Not content with putting his foot in it once, Obama then shook hands with our old Cuban friend, Raúl Castro, oops! He must be taking advice from Prince Philip, but let’s be honest here, I bet he didn’t even recognise him.

On This Day

• 1791 – The United States Bill of Rights becomes law when ratified by the Virginia General Assembly, thus granting all Americans to bear arms and kill each other with impunity.
• 1890 – Hunkpapa Lakota leader Sitting Bull killed on Standing Rock Indian Reservation, leading to the Wounded Knee Massacre.
• 1906 – The London Underground‘s Great Northern, Piccadilly and Brompton Railway opens.
• 1933 – The Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution officially becomes effective, repealing the Eighteenth Amendment that prohibited the sale, manufacture, and transportation of alcohol.
• 1939 – Gone with the Wind receives its premiere at Loew’s Grand Theatre in Atlanta, Georgia, United States.
• 1970 – Soviet spacecraft Venera 7 successfully land on Venus. It is the first successful soft landing on another planet.
• 1973 – The American Psychiatric Association votes 13–0 to remove homosexuality from its official list of psychiatric disorders, the DSM-II.
• 1981 – A suicide car bombing targeting the Iraqi embassy in Beirut, Lebanon levels the embassy and kills 61 people, including Iraq’s ambassador to Lebanon. The attack is considered the first modern suicide bombing.

Deaths

• 1675 – Johannes Vermeer, Dutch painter (b. 1632)
• 1878 – Alfred Bird, English chemist and manufacturer, invented baking powder (b. 1811)
• 1890 – Sitting Bull, Lakota-American tribal chief (b. 1831)
• 1944 – Glenn Miller, American bandleader and composer (b. 1904)
• 1962 – Charles Laughton, English actor (b. 1899)
• 1966 – Walt Disney, American animator, director, screenwriter, producer and actor, co-founded the Walt Disney Company (b. 1901)

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

My, oh my. And you thought Blackbeard was a cunt. Wait until you meet Francois L’Ollonais.

This is the guy who makes the Cyberdemon from the end of Doom look like a little pussy. From the age of fifteen he was an indentured servant in the Caribbean where he endured incredibly harsh conditions which no doubt fuelled his misanthropic leanings. At least it wasn’t his smothering mother this time.

Upon his release he moved to Tortuga (where they were just about to start filming Pirates of the Caribbean) and signed up with a ship load of bastards looking for a right old fucking time. I should point out that L’Ollonais wasn’t a pirate, he was a privateer- meaning he had free rein from the French king to do pretty much whatever the fuck he wanted to the Spanish, which he did with immense enjoyment.

Before long he had a crew of his own, an impressive won-lost record and a fearsome reputation for violence. When the governor of one of the Spanish Territories sent a team out to kill his crew and take him prisoner, our hero snuck up on them, killed all but one of their number and sent him back with a message vowing never again to show mercy on the Spanish.

His killing techniques were brutal as fuck, and probably could have made a terminator run crying to its mummy. He once tore out the heart of one of his captives, ate a piece of it and threw it in another prisoner’s face all before it had a chance to stop beating. He liked to dismember prisoners bit by bit, starting with the hands and working inwards in order to keep his victims alive as long as possible. He perfected the technique of “woolding” which, obviously, is the practice of tying rope around someone’s head, and tightening it gradually until their eyes burst out.

Unfortunately for him, his constant run-ins with his Spanish enemies eventually led to his undoing. Attempting a one-ship invasion of Nicaragua, he crashed onto a sandbar, and was captured by the Spanish. He did manage to escape – but ran straight into the open arms (and cooking pots) of the Darien tribe, who meted out some rough justice of their own, cooking him alive and eating him. Possibly with L’Ollondaise sauce.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Taylor Swift (24), Jamie Foxx (46), Judi Dench (79), John Malkovich (60), Nicki Minaj (31), Kim Basinger (60)!!, Dick Van Dyke (88), Teri Hatcher (49), Kirk Douglas (97), Ann Coulter (52), Steve Buscemi (56), Sinead O’Conner (47), Donny Osmond (56), Vanessa Hudgens (25), Ted Nugent (65), Jennifer Connelly (43), Beau Bridges (72), Dionne Warwick (73), Christopher Plummer (84), Kenneth Branagh (53) and Dominic Monaghan (37).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!