Welcome once again my morbid minions to the weekly edition of the Dead Pool Newsletter. This week we have a dirge of deaths but no points to award, a new feature for your perusal, and of course, the usual hilarity that ensues from the demises of the famous.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Clarissa Dickson Wright, 66, English celebrity chef and television personality (Two Fat Ladies).
• Oswald Morris, 98, British cinematographer (Fiddler on the Roof, The Guns of Navarone, Oliver!).
• L’Wren Scott, 49, American fashion designer and model, suicide by hanging.
• Fred Phelps, 84, American pastor and anti-gay activist, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church.
• Mickey Duff, 84, Polish-born British boxing promoter and manager.

In Other News

Dame Vera Lynn is to celebrate her 97th birthday and 90 years in show business by releasing a new album. The ‘Forces Sweetheart’ will release her new opus in June and it will contain some previously unreleased material and a few old favourites. I’m sure you’re all itching to hear “We’ll Meet Again” in a digital Dolby Surround 5.1 THX remastered version. I know I am!!

Another Dame who is causing a few surprises this week is Dame Angela Lansbury! Yes, I thought she was dead already too. The 88 year old actress has been lavished with praise by critics upon her return to the West End stage as Madame Arcati in The Blythe Spirit. In her first stage role in over 40 years, Lansbury is said to be in ‘sparkling form’ and her depiction of the dance and trance scene is a ‘wonder to behold’.  Almost makes me want to go the theatre…

In one of those amazing and accurate studies, its been found that one in ten people will die during their time in hospital and that death is the ‘core business’ of hospitals. Well, I’m not one to punch holes in an official study, but isn’t the reason that people go to hospitals a huge factor in these results? Guess what, they found that older patients were more likely to die, especially those in the over-85 age bracket! They even based their study in Glasgow, last time I checked only 3 people reached the age of 45 up there due to the copious amount of deep fried pizza they consume on top of the Tennent’s Super and intravenous nicotine patches.

Not to be outdone, another bunch of scientists have discovered that saturated fat doesn’t cause heart disease while so-called ‘healthy’ polyunsaturated fats don’t prevent cardiovascular problems. So, in contrast with decades old nutritional advice, researchers at Cambridge University have found that giving up fatty meat, cream or butter is unlikely to improve your health. They even found that supplements had no benefits whatsoever. So, I have to retract my statement about deep fried pizza in the previous article! I’m off to stuff a pound of butter in my face…

On This Day

• 1801 – Tsar Paul I of Russia is struck with a sword, then strangled, and finally trampled to death inside his bedroom at St. Michael’s Castle.
• 1857 – Elisha Otis‘s first elevator is installed at 488 Broadway New York City.
• 1888 – In England, The Football League, the world’s oldest professional Association Football league, meets for the first time.
• 1919 – In Milan, Italy, Benito Mussolini founds his Fascist political movement.
• 1933 – The Reichstag passes the Enabling Act of 1933, making Adolf Hitler dictator of Germany.
• 1956 – Pakistan becomes the first Islamic republic in the world. (Republic Day in Pakistan).
• 1965 – NASA launches Gemini 3, the United States‘ first two-man space flight (crew: Gus Grissom and John Young).
• 1989 – Stanley Pons and Martin Fleischmann announce their discovery of cold fusion at the University of Utah.
• 1994 – Aeroflot Flight 593 crashes in Siberia when the pilot‘s fifteen-year old son accidentally disengages the autopilot, killing all 75 people on board.
• 2001 – The Russian Mir space station is disposed of, breaking up in the atmosphere before falling into the southern Pacific Ocean near Fiji.

Deaths

• 1964 – Peter Lorre, Slovak-American actor (b. 1904)
• 2011 – Elizabeth Taylor, English-American actress (b. 1932)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals

Ever wondered what inmates about to fry in the chair ask to eat for their last meal? No, I didn’t either. However, I’m going to share a meal or two with you from time to time as I always find it hard to come up with new meal ideas.

Remember old John Wayne Gacy? He was an American serial killer and rapist, also known as the Killer Clown, who was convicted of the sexual assault and murder of a minimum of 33 teenage boys and young men in a series of killings committed between 1972 and 1978 in Chicago, Illinois. He was convicted and sentenced to death in 1980 but spent a further 14 years on Death Row before he was executed by lethal injection at Statesville Correctional Centre in 1994.

Gacy’s last meal consisted of the following:

• 12 Fried Shrimp
• A bucket of original recipe KFC
• French Fries
• 1 lbs of Strawberries

Prior to being convicted, Gacy had managed three KFC restaurants, which sort of shows some professional pride in his work.

Tasty eh? I sure wouldn’t mind chowing down on this last meal given the chance, but I think I would have been a bit pissed that my strawberries weren’t in a separate bowl. Plus, where are the sauces and dips??

Following his last meal, Gacy was taken to be executed by lethal injection, however due to the inexperience of the Death Row officials the chemicals used solidified in the IV tube, so his death took 18 minutes. His final spoken words were ‘Kiss my ass”. To add insult to injury, they even took out his brain for investigation, finding no abnormalities.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Jerry Lewis (88), Bernado Bertolucci (73), Erik Estrada (65), Patrick Duffy (65), Kurt Russell (63), Gary Sinise (59), Rob Lowe (50), Brad Dourif (64), Irene Cara (55), Vanessa Williams (51), Queen Latifah (44), Ursula Andress (78), Gelnn Close (67), Bruce Willis (59), William Hurt (64), Spike Lee (57), Theresa Russell (57), Holly Hunter (56), Michael Rapaport (44), Timothy Dalton (68), Gary Oldman (56), Matthew Broderick (52), Rosie O’Donnell (52), William Shatner (83), M. Emmet Walsh (79), Andrew Lloyd Webber (66), Matthew Modine (55) and Reese Witherspoon (38).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

With the death of the great Tony Benn, we have a few points to award. Congratulations to Julie and Chrissy, both scoring 62 points. To be honest I though more of us had him, including me, sadly this wasn’t so. Maybe old Tony should have been more aware of the Ides of March, I know I was and I’m still here! Anyhow, onwards to the frivolity.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Hal Douglas, 89, American voice actor and announcer, pancreatic cancer.
• William Clay Ford, Sr., 88, American businessman (Ford Motor Company, Detroit Lions), pneumonia.
• Eileen Colgan, 80, Irish actress (Far and Away, My Left Foot, Angela’s Ashes).
• Bob Crow, 52, British trade unionist, General Secretary of the RMT (since 2002), aneurysm and heart attack.
• Raymond Leslie Morris, 84, British child murderer (Cannock Chase murders), natural causes.
• Tony Benn, 88, British politician, Minister of Technology (1966–70), Secretary of State (1974–79), MP for Bristol South East (1950–60, 1963–83) and Chesterfield (1984–2001).

In Other News

Sadly I have to report the death of Wesley Warren, the man with the biggest testicles in the known universe! You might remember poor Warren from the Channel 4 documentary covering his life before and during his operation to remove his 10 stone balls. Tragically, even though he recovered from his testicular problem, he died of a heart attack related to his diabetes last week. Rest in peace old titan bollocks!

Chris Tarrant is recovering in hospital after suffering a mini-stroke. His manager, Paul Vaughan, said he had been taken ill on a flight to London from Bangkok in Thailand on Saturday and was taken to Charing Cross hospital. The 67-year-old broadcaster had been filming in Asia and South America before falling ill and Vaughan said he would not be going straight back to work after he is discharged,  much to the delight of everyone I’m sure.

After reporting last week that Michael Schumacher was turning into a cabbage, the German seems to be showing signs of improvement. One assumes he’s now a parsnip! Doctors treating the former F1 champion seem to think he’s going to pull through, maybe even reaching the complex state of lettuce by next week! If anyone can, I’m sure Michael can!

Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she is to undergo further preventative cancer surgery after she was subjected to a double mastectomy last year. The 38-year-old actress had the procedure after discovering she was at high risk of developing breast cancer. Jennifer Aniston is said to be punching the air and shouting something about ‘take that Brad…’

And finally a Pakistani martial arts expert has found notoriety after headbutting his way through 155 walnuts in one minute. His record-breaking attempt literally smashed the previous record of 44 walnuts. Surrounded by a crowd of onlookers and officials, Mohammad Rashid proceeded to crack a long line of walnuts laid out on a table using only his forehead. After his minute was up, a breathless Rashid looked pleased with his efforts. However a few of the walnuts clearly got the better of him, as he could be seen wiping away a few spots of blood from his head. One question though.. Why?

On This Day

• 1521 – Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines.
• 1912 – Lawrence Oates, an ill member of Robert Falcon Scott‘s South Pole expedition, left his tent to die, saying: “I am just going outside and may be some time.”
• 1926 – Robert Goddard launches the first liquid-fueled rocket, at Auburn, Massachusetts.
• 1958 – The Ford Motor Company produces its 50 millionth automobile, the Thunderbird, averaging almost a million cars a year since the company’s founding.
• 1968 – General Motors produces its 100 millionth automobile, the Oldsmobile Toronado.
• 1976 – British Prime Minister Harold Wilson resigns, citing personal reasons.
• 1995 – Mississippi formally ratifies the Thirteenth Amendment, becoming the last state to approve the abolition of slavery. The Thirteenth Amendment was officially ratified in 1865.

Deaths

• 37 – Tiberius, Roman emperor (b. 46 BC)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Juliette Binoche (50), Chuck Norris (74), Shannon Tweed (57), Sharon Stone (56), Robin Thicke (37), Olivia Wilde (30), Emeli Sande (27), Johnny Knoxville (43), Thora Birch (32), Liza Minnelli (68), Neil Sedaka (75), William H. Macy (64), Michael Caine (81), Quincy Jones (81), Billy Crystal (66), Eva Longoria (39), and Will.I.Am (39).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Not a good week to be a French director it seems, but nobody guessed their demises, so no harm done. I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed quite a few Star Trek actors and astronauts passing away recently, then I thought about it and realised that a lot of these people are ‘really’ old now. How did that happen?? Perhaps next year a list of spacemen is in order, actors and actual real ones!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Alain Resnais, 91, French film director (Night and Fog, Hiroshima mon amour).
• Stanley Rubin, 96, American film and television producer (Revenge, Bracken’s World, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir).
• Curtis McClarin, 44, American actor (The Happening, Law & Order), brain aneurysm.
• William R. Pogue, 84, American astronaut (Skylab) and Air Force pilot (Thunderbirds).
• Jean-Louis Bertucelli, 71, French film director (Ramparts of Clay, Docteur Françoise Gailland).
• Sheila MacRae, 93, English-born American actress (The Honeymooners).
• James Ellis, 82, Northern Irish actor (Z-Cars), stroke.
• Wendy Hughes, 61, Australian actress, cancer.

In Other News

Former British tennis number one Elena Baltacha has been diagnosed with cancer of the liver. Baltacha, 30, who retired last year, won 11 singles titles, made the third round of Wimbledon in 2002 and was part of Great Britain’s Fed Cup team for 11 years. At the age of 19, Baltacha was diagnosed with primary sclerosing cholangitis, a chronic liver condition which compromises the immune system. Let’s wish her well, but also keep an eye on her progress.

Actor Timothy West has told how his wife, Fawlty Towers star Prunella Scales, has been suffering from “a sort of mild Alzheimer’s”. The actress, now 81, is best known for her role as Basil Fawlty’s wife Sybil in the comedy Fawlty Towers. Scales says that she was determined not to let the condition keep her from the stage. “I always say I want to die on the eighth curtain call,” she says. “Eight will mean the show’s been rather a success. I just hope I’m somewhere near the middle and have been reasonably good in the part.” Can’t keep a good woman down they say!

Pope Francis inadvertently demonstrated his own fallibility during an address in St Peter’s Square when he mistakenly said the Italian word for “fuck”. The 77-year-old Jesuit Pope corrected himself almost immediately after making the gaffe during the audience at the Vatican on Sunday, but it was posted by Italians on YouTube and other social media and has since spread round the world.

This is the bizarre moment world-famous physicist Stephen Hawking joined fancy-dress revellers on a stag do. Chris Hallam, 29, and ten friends had gone out all dressed as Bananaman for a night on the town in Cambridge. The group turned a corner and bumped into Stephen Hawking getting out of his car. And they were stunned when the Brief History of Time author agreed to pose with them for a souvenir photo.

Lastly, I have to share this little story from The Telegraph last week. They’re implying that people aged between 55 and 65 that binge-drink at the weekend are twice as likely to die within 20 years than moderate drinkers. Well, no shit Sherlock! If I even reach 85 I’ll be quite happy, hopefully I’ll be drinking like a teenager too!  You also may have seen that being angry will increase your risk of dying early as well. Apparently being an angry cunt increases your chance of a heart attack by fivefold. Good I say, who needs a misery guts. Fuck giving them statins, let Darwinism make the world a nicer place.  If you are wondering if you are about to die, why not take the test! Luckily I live a quiet peaceful life in which I rarely talk to anyone and eat well and don’t smoke, so I’ll be here for a long time to annoy you with the Dead Pool. Luckily they don’t ask about how much you drink…

On This Day

• 1796 – Napoléon Bonaparte marries his first wife, Joséphine de Beauharnais.
• 1916 – Mexican Revolution: Pancho Villa leads nearly 500 Mexican raiders in an attack against the border town of Columbus, New Mexico.
• 1959 – The Barbie doll makes its debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.
• 1961 – Sputnik 9 successfully launches, carrying a human dummy nicknamed Ivan Ivanovich, and demonstrating that Soviet Union was ready to begin human spaceflight.
• 2011 – Space Shuttle Discovery makes its final landing after 39 flights.

Deaths

• 1996 – George Burns, American actor and singer (b. 1896).
• 1997 – The Notorious B.I.G., American rapper (Junior M.A.F.I.A.) (b. 1972).

Horrible Ways to Die #4 – Hanged, Drawn & Quartered by Dexychik

High treason, meaning to plot against the crown, only stopped being a capital, offence in 1998. And from the mid-14th century until 1817, the punishment for most men who committed high treason was to be hanged, drawn and quartered. If you were very noble, you might get your sentence commuted to a straightforward beheading.

Everyone who’s seen Braveheart has a vague idea of what being hanged, drawn and quartered (or HDQ’d, for brevity) means. The man would be hanged until nearly unconscious, then have his innards removed, and then be chopped into four pieces, which were sent to be displayed around the kingdom as a deterrent. People came in their droves to watch this happen: it was considered a legitimate family entertainment. Imagine that nowadays: “What’s happening Saturday?” “Oh, X Factor’s back on, but someone’s being killed on Channel Xecution!”

So, what does it really mean to be HDQ’d? The captive was usually taken to their execution site on a hurdle, meaning pulled along behind a horse, tied to some wood. This would chafe…

The first thing to know about old style execution is that hanging in ye olden times was not the ‘long drop’. That came much later, when a clever man worked out how long a drop was necessary to break a criminal’s neck and reduce suffering. When talking about HDQ’ing, the hanging element meant being strung up by the neck and being choked. This could take bloody hours, and in straightforward executions, the family were allowed to pull the convict’s legs to end his or her suffering. This wouldn’t happen in a HDQ, consciousness was considered necessary.

The drawing wouldn’t be terribly pleasant to watch, or smell. The abdomen was opened up, and the bowel pulled out for all to see. There is a report that, in 1660, General Thomas Harrison smacked his executioner on the head after being disembowelled. That’s some spirit, and proof that being disembowelled isn’t necessarily painful enough to render a man unconscious or incapable. The guts were usually burned in front of the man’s eyes.

The quartering wouldn’t be fun to watch, but the convict was beheaded first, then hacked up. Back in ye olden days, this sort of posthumous disfigurement was considered a Bad Thing, as the body was needed whole for the afterlife. This is one of the reasons corpses of criminals were the only ones used for anatomy lessons, and why being HDQ’d stopped – the bodies were too mutilated to use in surgical lectures.

The moral here is, don’t plot against the monarch, if a horrible punishment is on the statute books. Thankfully, it’s now punishable by life imprisonment, so plot at will.

Next time: syphilis (pre-modern-therapy) OR boiled to death. You choose!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tom Wolfe (84), John Irving (72), Jon Bon Jovi (52), Daniel Craig (46), Chris Martin (37), Jennifer Warnes (67), Miranda Richardson (56), Jessica Biel (32), Bobby Womack (70), Shakin’ Stevens (66), Chris Rea (63), Patsy Kensit (46), Dean Stockwell (78), Eddy Grant (66), Penn Jillette (59), Craig & Charlie Reed of The Proclaimers (52), Eva Mendes (39), David Gilmour (68), Rob Reiner (67), Kiki Dee (67), Tom Arnold (55), Bryan Cranston (58), Rachel Weisz (43), TJ Thyne (39), Micky Dolenz (69), Gary Numan (56) and Tom Chaplin (35).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Wonder of wonders! We have a point scorer ladies and gentlemen! Lee correctly predicted the death of Alice Herz-Sommer, but not only this, he listed her as his Woman, thus garnering himself a lovely 140 points, propelling himself unto the giddy heights of first place on the leader board! Well done that man!  Also I have to mention Harold Ramis. It’s without doubt that the man was a genius of comedy and it’s not too much to say that a small part of everyones past died with him. Imagine a world without Ghostbusters or Groundhog Day, its not even worth contemplating!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Alice Herz-Sommer, 110, Czech-British supercentenarian, world’s oldest Holocaust survivor, subject of The Lady in Number 6.
• Mike Parker, 84, British-born American typographer and software executive, helped popularise use of Helvetica.
• Harold Ramis, 69, American writer, director and actor (Groundhog Day, Vacation, Ghostbusters), vasculitis.
• Aaron Allston, 53, American game designer (Dungeons & Dragons) and sci-fi author (X-Wing), heart failure.

In Other News

Nearly two months after Michael Schumacher suffered a serious head injury in a skiing accident, neurologists say the seven-time Formula One champion seems unlikely to make a full recovery.  The 45-year-old fell while skiing in France and hit the right side of his head on a rock, cracking his helmet. Doctors operated to remove blood clots from his brain but some were left because they were too deeply embedded. Due to the length of time he’s been in a coma he’s very likely to awaken as a vegetable!

The Oscar-winning actress Dame Judi Dench has spoken of how her failing eyesight has left her unable to read scripts and struggling to watch films. Dench suffers from macular degeneration, an age-related condition that leads to a gradual loss of vision, which her mother also had. But the actress, 79, who has notched up 95 award nominations during her illustrious career, balked at suggestions her career would slow down because of failing health.

If you think you’re having a bad day, think about this poor sperm whale! The whale died when it became stranded on the Kent coast near Seasalter more than a week ago. Its decomposing body was left there for five days until it was removed and loaded on to the back of a lorry to be taken to a landfill site. The huge carcass was covered by a tarpaulin and strapped onto the rear of a flat-bed truck with part of it overhanging the back. But the sight and smell of it travelling along the A2 towards Canterbury on a weekday afternoon left some drivers choking at the wheel.   A witness said: “There was a Land Rover in front and behind, flashing orange lights and this massive whale with its head and tail chopped off. There was blood and guts dropping off the back and everything. The smell was unbelievable! I’ve worked near an abattoir and that smelled bad, but this was something else.”   They should count their lucky stars that the whale didn’t pop open like the one pictured on the left! Apparently it took 50 Taiwanese workers 13 hours to clean up after this whale exploded in 2004 whilst being transported.

But as bad days go, maybe this bloke had a worse one… Poor old Walter Williams, an inhabitant of Mississippi was found literally ‘alive and kicking’ in a body bag at a funeral home after being declared dead. Workers at Porter and Sons Funeral Home were preparing to embalm Walter when he moved. I bet there were a few loose sphincters abound when the poor old sod managed to stir.

On This Day

• 1657 – Great Fire of Meireki: A fire in Edo (now Tokyo), Japan, caused more than 100,000 deaths; it lasted three days.
• 1797 – The Bank of England issues the first one-pound and two-pound banknotes.
• 1882 – Queen Victoria narrowly escapes an assassination attempt by Roderick McLean in Windsor.
• 1933 – The film King Kong opens at New York’s Radio City Music Hall.
• 1949 – Captain James Gallagher lands his B-50 Superfortress Lucky Lady II in Fort Worth, Texas after completing the first non-stop around-the-world airplane flight in 94 hours and one minute.
• 1969 – In Toulouse, France, the first test flight of the Anglo-French Concorde is conducted.
• 1983 – Compact Discs and players are released for the first time in the United States and other markets. They had previously been available only in Japan.

Deaths

• 1791 – John Wesley, English cleric and theologian (b. 1703)
• 1930 – D. H. Lawrence, English author, poet, and playwright (b. 1885)
• 1939 – Howard Carter, English archaeologist (b. 1874)
• 1982 – Philip K. Dick, American author (b. 1928)
• 1999 – Dusty Springfield, English singer (The Lana Sisters and The Springfields) (b. 1939)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Peter Fonda (74), Howard Jones (59), Kelly MacDonald (38), Emily Blunt (31), Dakota Fanning (20), Abe Vigoda (93), Edward James Olmos (67), George Thorogood (64), Billy Zane (48), Tea Leoni (48), Sean Astin (43), Fats Domino (86), Michael Bolton (61), Joanne Woodward (84), Adam Baldwin (52), Mercedes Ruehl (66), John Turturro (57), Harry Belafonte (87), Robert Conrad (79), Roger Daltrey (70), Ron Howard (60), Javier Bardem (45) and Justin Bieber (20).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

The weeks fly by don’t they! Here we are again, mulling over celebrity deaths only to find that nobody has scored any points this week. It almost feels like a Star Wars themed week with the deaths of two bit-part actors, but it also highlights that the main cast are getting on and perhaps it’s time to add their names to your prospective lists for next year! It’s hard to believe that Han Solo is 71 and young Luke Skywalker is 62, but Leia, his twin sister is only 57, go figure…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Cliff Bole, 76, American television director (MacGyver, The Six Million Dollar Man, Star Trek: The Next Generation).
• Jamie Coots, 41, American snake-handling pastor, snakebite.
• Christopher Malcolm, 67, Scottish actor (The Empire Strikes Back, Highlander, The Rocky Horror Show).
• Jimmy Murakami, 80, American animator and film director (When the Wind Blows).
• Nelson Frazier, Jr., 43, American professional wrestler (World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment 1993–2008), heart attack.
• Malcolm Tierney, 75, British actor (Doctor Who, Star Wars, Braveheart).
• Maria Franziska von Trapp, 99, Austrian-born American singer, portrayed in The Sound of Music.
• Dale Gardner, 65, American astronaut (STS-8, STS-51-A), brain aneurysm.
• Valeri Kubasov, 79, Russian cosmonaut (Soyuz 6, Apollo-Soyuz Test Project/Soyuz 19, Soyuz 36).

In Other News

The former French president, Jacques Chirac, who has been in poor health for several years, was taken to hospital on Monday night. An ambulance with an escort of police motorcycles carried the 81-year-old from his home to the American Hospital of Paris in the suburb of Neuilly. He was reportedly suffering from “an acute episode of gout”, which no doubt necessitated a police escort, after all, a sore big toe is of huge national concern. Following a stroke in 2005 he’s also had surgery to remove kidney stones in December.

Rock veteran David Crosby is postponing the remainder of his solo tour after undergoing heart surgery. The Crosby, Stills and Nash star was due to perform in San Francisco and Los Angeles later this month but he has revealed that he underwent a cardiac catheterisation and angiogram on 14th February. Crosby is “expected to have a full recovery. He did not have a heart attack, though it is certain that had he chosen to ignore his doctor’s urgent recommendation, it would have led to one… the left anterior coronary artery was found to be 90% blocked, and two stents have been placed to provide blood flow to his heart muscle.”

The BBC has announced that David Dimbleby is to host his final general election programme next year. It will be the ninth edition fronted by the 75-year-old, who first hosted the results programme in 1979 when Margaret Thatcher became prime minister. Is this an admission by Dimbleby that he’s getting old and ready to retire? Will he also give up on Question Time? Is he about to die?

Three-time golf Major winner, Padraig Harrington, has revealed that he has undergone treatment for skin cancer. Harrington, whose father Patrick died from cancer, underwent surgery for “sun spots” and spoke out in a bid to raise awareness. Let’s keep an eye on his game shall we…

Plans for a lavish $1m celebration of Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe’s 90th birthday have been condemned as the country lurches towards another financial crisis. The costly celebration, criticised as cultism and hero worship, comes at a time of heavy job losses and slowing economic growth. Mugabe, who continues to defy the march of time and constant health speculation, also travelled to Singapore this week for cataract surgery on his left eye. Looks like the old cunt is here to stay.

On This Day

• 532 – Byzantine Emperor Justinian I orders the building of a new Orthodox Christian basilica in Constantinople – the Hagia Sophia.
• 1455 – Traditional date for the publication of the Gutenberg Bible, the first Western book printed with movable type.
• 1739 – Richard Palmer is identified at York Castle, by his former schoolteacher, as the outlaw Dick Turpin.
• 1886 – Charles Martin Hall produced the first samples of man-made aluminum, after several years of intensive work. He was assisted in this project by his older sister Julia Brainerd Hall.
• 1927 – German theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg writes a letter to fellow physicist Wolfgang Pauli, in which he describes his uncertainty principle for the first time.
• 1941 – Plutonium is first produced and isolated by Dr. Glenn T. Seaborg.
• 1947 – The International Organization for Standardization (ISO) is founded.

Deaths

• 1821 – John Keats, English poet (b. 1795)
• 1848 – John Quincy Adams, 6th President of the United States (b. 1767)
• 1931 – Nellie Melba, Australian soprano (b. 1861)
• 1934 – Edward Elgar, English composer (b. 1857)
• 1965 – Stan Laurel, English actor and director (b. 1890)
• 1976 – L. S. Lowry, English painter (b. 1887)
• 1995 – James Herriot, English surgeon and author (b. 1916)
• 2000 – Stanley Matthews, English footballer (b. 1915)

Male, Poor, Lonely & Fat? by KoA

In a blow to my self-confidence, scientists have found that the loneliest are nearly twice as likely to die during their six-year study than the least lonely.

Loneliness can be twice as unhealthy as obesity, according to researchers who found that feelings of isolation can have a devastating impact on people. The scientists tracked more than 2,000 people aged 50 and over and found that the loneliest were nearly twice as likely to die.

Compared with the average person in the study, those who reported being lonely had a 14% greater risk of dying. The figure means that loneliness has around twice the impact on an early death as obesity. Poverty increased the risk of an early death by 19%.

Previous studies have linked loneliness to a range of health problems, from high blood pressure and a weakened immune system to a greater risk of depression, heart attack and strokes.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, The Samaritans say that the male suicide rate in the UK was 3½ times that of women in 2012, the highest ratio between the sexes in more than 30 years. Men between the 40-44 age bracket seem to be the best at killing themselves if you want to know.

There were 4,590 male suicides registered in 2012, compared with 1,391 female, equating to 18.2 per 100,000 men and 5.2 per 100,000 women, according to the Office for National Statistics.

So adding all of those statistics up means that I have a 238% chance of being dead and most likely I died by my own hand. I hate to break it to the ONS, but I’m still here…

Last Week’s Birthdays

LeVar Burton (57), Ice T (56), Hal Holbrook (89), Barry Humphries (80), Brenda Fricker (69), Rene Russo (60), Lou Diamond Phillips (52), Dominic Purcell (44), Denise Richards (43), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (33), George Kennedy (89), Milos Forman (82), Yoko Ono (81), Cybill Shepherd (64), Randy Crawford (62), John Travolta (60), Matt Dillon (50), Dr Dre (49), Molly Ringwald (46), Smokey Robinson (74), Tony Iommi (66), Jeff Daniels (59), Seal (51), Benicio Del Toro (47),  Sidney Poitier (87), Brenda Blethyn (68), Anthony Stewart Head (60), Cindy Crawford (48), Rihanna (26), Peter McEnery (74), Tyne Daly (68), Anthony Daniels (68), Alan Rickman (68), Kelsey Grammer (59), William Baldwin (51), Jennifer Love Hewitt (35), Charlotte Church (28), Ellen Page (27), Jonathan Demme (70), Julie Walters (64), Kyle MacLachlan (55), Jeri Ryan (46), Thomas Jane (45), Drew Barrymore (39) and finally, James Blunt (37).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!