Fuck me! Harry Potter died, for real! Click the link below to find out out who and what. So, another pointless week, I must say this year is a very slow one and my amazing talent for filling dead news is being stretched to the extreme! But I’m not one to be put off with the lack of celebrity deaths, I find fun and amazement with the various illnesses that this week’s other news brings. Hallelujia!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Elena Baltacha, 30, Ukrainian-born British tennis player, liver cancer.
• Dick Ayers, 90, American comic book artist (Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider), complications from Parkinson’s disease.
• Al Pease, 92, British-born Canadian Hall of Fame racing driver (Formula One).
• Bill Dana, 83, American NASA test pilot (X-15 rocket), complications from Parkinson’s disease.
• Jimmy Ellis, 74, American boxer, WBA heavyweight champion (1968–1970), dementia.
• Colin Pillinger, 70, British planetary scientist, brain haemorrhage.
• Nancy Malone, 79, American television producer, director and actress (Bionic Woman, Melrose Place, Naked City), complications from leukemia.
• Harry Potter, 72, Australian television journalist (Network Ten), cancer.

In Other News

Ronnie O’Sullivan escaped unscathed from a car crash as he travelled home from defeat in the world championship final. The five-times world champion and his six-year-old son, Ronnie Jr, (naming your own son after you, so chic) were travelling in a two-seater Audi R8 sports car (posh) when it spun out of control on the M1 near Leicester at around 1.30am (not so posh). Neither suffered serious injuries but they were understood to have been left “shaken like a Bond Martini” after pulling themselves out of the wreckage. It came just hours after the overconfident 38-year-old lost the world final to Mark Selby (woo!) by 18 frames to 14 at the Crucible theatre in Sheffield.

Miley Cyrus has denied reports that her recent stay in hospital was caused by drugs. “I didn’t have a drugs overdose. I took some antibiotics that a doctor gave me for a sinus infection,” she said. She spent two weeks in hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to the medication… (yeah) “I’ve been laying in a hospital bed connected to IVs. I’m on a bunch of good vitamins and doing lots of yoga trying to get myself back together.” She previously cancelled shows in Amsterdam and Antwerp as a result of her ‘illness’. “My immune system was already low because I had a death in my family and was already down. “What doesn’t make it better is that people were online saying I’d done it with drugs but it’s all good. I’m okay and I’m here,” the singer added. Cyrus, who rose to fame as Disney’s Hannah Montana, said being bed ridden had been the “most miserable” two weeks of her life. Wait ‘til you’re 23 years old my dear…

Her aides have always insisted she is not slowing down, but The Queen made an unexpected change to a major public appearance the other day after deciding a steep flight of steps would be too much for her. Her Majesty had been due to take part in an ancient installation ceremony for knights of the Order of the Bath at Westminster Abbey, an event she only attends every eight years. Dressed in a cumbersome robe with a train, worn over an evening dress, the Queen, 88, would’ve needed to descend a short flight of steps to approach the altar in the Abbey, then make her way back up the steps to her throne. But after a dress rehearsal on Thursday, which the old hag didn’t attend, aides decided the monarch should not go ahead with that part of the ceremony. The Prince of Wales will deputise for her instead. Lets hope the big nosed cunt trips down the stairs. 

From Sheezus to ‘queazus’, Lily Allen has been undergoing tests after being taken to hospital with a mystery illness, possibly due to a bout of food poisoning. The illness comes as the singer’s new album flies high on the charts, fuck knows why… A spokesperson for the singer would not comment on whether Allen would cancel forthcoming appearances, which is a great shame, as I for one would love to miss each one. Lily Allen’s latest single, ‘Our Time’, is currently at No 43. Well done her!

And finally, a group of coal miners from the western province of Xinjiang, had an unbelievable surprise when the gallery they were excavating opened up on a section of an old mine that was abandoned 17 years ago after an earthquake that caused some large sections of the tunnels to collapse. While they were exploring the galleries, they stumbled upon Cheung Wai, a 59-year old survivor from the 1997 accident, obviously in a rather bad shape. The poor man had remained trapped underground with the bodies of 78 of his dead coworkers, after an earthquake of a magnitude of 7.8 hit the region. He managed to survive thanks to an emergency stash of rice and water, stored in an underground depot. Even though he was suffering from great physical and mental stress, he managed to give proper burials to all of his comrades, spending almost a year in this great selfless act. Personally I’d have eaten them. 

On This Day

• 330 – Byzantium is renamed Nova Roma during a dedication ceremony, but it is more popularly referred to as Constantinople.
• 868 – A copy of the Diamond Sutra is printed in China, making it oldest known dated printed book.
• 912 – Alexander becomes Emperor of the Byzantine Empire.
• 1310 – In France, fifty-four members of the Knights Templar are burned at the stake as heretics.
• 1812 – Prime Minister Spencer Perceval is assassinated by John Bellingham in the lobby of the House of Commons, London.
• 1820 – HMS Beagle, the ship that will take Charles Darwin on his scientific voyage, is launched.
• 1927 – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is founded.
• 1985 – Bradford City stadium fire: Fifty-six spectators die and more than 200 are injured in a flash fire at Valley Parade football ground during a match against Lincoln City in Bradford, England. And yet they don’t go on about it like the Scousers do…
• 1987 – Klaus Barbie goes on trial in Lyon for war crimes committed during World War II.
• 1997 – Deep Blue, a chess-playing supercomputer, defeats Garry Kasparov in the last game of the rematch, becoming the first computer to beat a world-champion chess player in a classic match format.
• 2010 – David Cameron becomes Prime Minister of the United Kingdom following talks between the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats to form the UK’s first coalition government since World War II after elections produced a hung parliament. And Britain has never recovered since…

Deaths

• 1778 – William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham, English politician, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1708)
• 1871 – John Herschel, English mathematician, astronomer, and chemist (b. 1792)
• 1889 – John Cadbury, English businessman and philanthropist, founded the Cadbury Company (b. 1801)
• 1960 – John D. Rockefeller, Jr., American businessman and philanthropist (b. 1874)
• 1981 – Bob Marley, Jamaican singer-songwriter and guitarist (Bob Marley and the Wailers) (b. 1945)
• 1985 – Chester Gould, American cartoonist, created Dick Tracy (b. 1900)
• 2001 – Douglas Adams, English author and screenwriter (b. 1952)

Eurovision is dead (for the UK) by Nickie

I have just spent the last five days on Eurovision countdown, bigging up the UK entry because it seemed (for once) that someone had studied all possible factors and produced a decent entry. We came 5^th from last and lost to a bearded woman that looked like the love child of Rylan and Nicole Shitslinger, or as I like to think, Tranny Jesus! (ed).  I think it’s time we stopped buying our entry into the final and either compete properly like the British ought to or bow out gracefully before we die a complete death like Jeminii.

So the UK entry died a death (yet again) but this is about real deaths!  At the time of writing none of the Eurovision winners have died in extreme circumstances (miserable bastards) and only one has died of natural causes  – Teddy Scholten from the Netherlands. 

There’s only two less fortunate Eurovision entrants who have reached the end of their mortal coil that are worth writing about. There isn’t a lot of horror or gossip but these two should keep you going.

Remember “Wheelchair Kerry” from the 3^rd series of X-Factor?  She popped her clogs after a battle with cancer but not many people remember that she came 2^nd (in the national finals) to Katrina and the Waves with the catchy number “Yodel In The Canyon Of Love”

Next there is the Danish Eurovision entrant from 1991, Anders Frandsen.  Being placed 19^th in the contest (with only 8 points) obviously had an adverse effect on him because regardless of his TV career he disappeared from public life and was found alongside the very extinct 2011, attempting a suicide BBQ in his bedroom. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning.  

Here are my Eurovision recommendations for The Dead Pool 2015: Engelbert Humperdinck, Nana Mouskouri, Katie Boyle and Daz Sampson.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Traci Lords (46), Enrique Iglesias (39), Don Rickles (88), Candice Bergen (68), Rosario Dawson (35), Billy Joel (65), Bono (53), George Clooney (53), Adele (26), Michael Palin (71), Will Arnett (44), Randy Travis (55), Lance Henriksen (74), John Rhys-Davies (70), Craig David (33), Chris Brown (25), Gary Glitter (70), Albert Finney (78), Glenda Jackson (78), Donavan (68) and Linda Evangelista (49).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Without doubt this week’s big news is the sad death  of Bob Hoskins at the age of 71. You may remember back in 2012 that I reported that he was retiring due to Parkinson’s Disease and I urged you all to remember to put his name down on your lists, which nobody did. *sigh*. So 79 points could have been yours if you had followed my advice. If only I had listened to myself…

Anyhow, onwards and upwards they say, lots to cover this week, so let’s make a start!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• DJ Rashad, 34, American footwork disc jockey, blood clot in leg.
• DJ E-Z Rock, 46, American hip-hop musician (Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock).
• Jane Macnaught, 55, British television producer (Coronation Street, Stars in their Eyes).
• Aleksandra Dranka, 110, Polish supercentenarian, nation’s oldest person.
• Al Feldstein, 88, American writer and editor (Mad, Tales from the Crypt).
• Bob Hoskins, 71, English actor (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Mona Lisa, Hook), pneumonia.
• Clayton Lockett, 38, American convicted murderer, heart attack after botched lethal injection.
• Walter Walsh, 106, American FBI agent and Olympic shooter (1948), longest-living Olympic competitor.

In Other News

There’s been a slight uproar over in Oklahoma where they tried and finally succeeded in executing Clayton Lockett. The execution has been called ‘cruel, inhuman and degrading’ and may have been in violation of the Human Rights Laws. Lockett was restrained to a gurney and because no suitable vein could be found, the needle was administered to his groin. Due to ‘this and that’, it took Lockett 1hr 44 minutes to finally die. Now, you have to remember that this guy was convicted in 2000 and sentenced to death for the kidnap and murder of 19 year old, Stephanie Neiman, during a home invasion the previous year. She survived the initial assault, but Lockett ordered two accomplices to bury her alive. He also raped one of her friends. I’m sure nobody seemed to care for her human rights when she was being killed nor did anyone give a shit for her friend who was raped. The cunt got what he deserved, it’s just a shame it didn’t take longer.

Sir Roger Bannister, the first man to run a sub-4min mile whilst someone had a clock in their hand has revealed he has Parkinson’s Disease. The 85-year-old said he had known about the degenerative nervous disease for three years but only revealed it in a BBC radio interview marking the anniversary of his run in Oxford on 6 May, 1954. Now, please take note, I reported a similar story about Bob Hoskins! Hear what I’m saying??

Wilko Johnson, the former Dr Feelgood guitarist has had a major operation in an attempt to treat his pancreatic cancer. Johnson was diagnosed at the end of 2012 and was given 10 months to live after rejecting chemotherapy. But he defied the doctors’ predictions and it was recently found that his tumour was less aggressive than normal. He has now had the “football-size tumour” removed as well as his pancreas, spleen and part of his stomach. He has understandably cancelled 14 concerts.

Cellist Julian Lloyd Webber has announced that he has been forced to stop playing due to a herniated disc in his neck which has reduced the power in his right arm. The 63 year old is said to be devastated, not as devastated as us Julian! His final performance as a cellist will be on 2nd May at the Forum Theatre, Malvern. By the time you’ve read this he may have already committed suicide!  

Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell have been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. Officers were called to the couple’s New Canaan home at about 8pm on Saturday to investigate “a family dispute”. The pair, who have been married for more than 20 years, appeared in Norwalk Superior Court on Monday. A police spokesman said there had been “aggressiveness on both sides”. Officers who responded found minor injuries and believed it was a case of domestic violence, he went on. He did not confirm who was injured. Simon, 72, first found fame as one half of folk duo Simon and Garfunkel, while Brickell, 48, was lead singer of Edie Brickell & New Bohemians. Let’s see how bad this gets, nothing like a 72 year old being beaten up by his wife eh?

And finally, I can’t sign off without mentioning that slimy twat, Max Clifford. You may have seen that the fuckwit has been imprisoned on eight counts of  indecent assault against women and girls aged 14 to 19 alleged to have taken place between 1966 and 1984. The 71 year old is now serving 8 years for his part in raping young girls. I can’t say I ever liked the cunt, I hold him personally responsible for all the gutter press we now have to suffer. He’s ruined countless lives for profit and I for one am rejoicing that he’s now having to look for soap in a prison shower. It seems the only PR he was really interested in were paedophile rings. Good riddance! 

On This Day

• 1471 – Wars of the Roses: The Battle of Tewkesbury: Edward IV defeats a Lancastrian Army and kills Edward, Prince of Wales.
• 1675 – King Charles II of England orders the construction of the Royal Greenwich Observatory.
• 1904 – The United States begins construction of the Panama Canal.
• 1904 – Charles Stewart Rolls meets Frederick Henry Royce at the Midland Hotel in Manchester, England.
• 1932 – In Atlanta, Georgia, mobster Al Capone begins serving an eleven-year prison sentence for tax evasion.
• 1979 – Margaret Thatcher becomes the first female Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
• 2000 – Ken Livingstone becomes the first Mayor of London.

Deaths

• 1471 – Edward of Westminster, Prince of Wales (b. 1453)
• 1984 – Diana Dors, English actress (b. 1931)
• 2009 – Dom DeLuise, American actor, director, and producer (b. 1933)

May 4th Star Wars Special by KoA

Since this is officially Star Wars Day, I thought I’d astound you with some facts and deaths relating to the epic saga. Firstly lets see who has already died that had connections with Star Wars:

• Graham Ashley portrayed Gold Five in Episode IV. He died on October 30, 1979.
• Eddie Byrne portrayed General Vanden Willard in Episode V. He died on August 2, 1981.
• Richard Marquand directed Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. He died on September 4, 1987 of a heart attack.
• Alex McCrindle portrayed Jan Dodonna in Episode IV. He passed away April 20, 1990.
• Anthony Lang portrayed BoShek in Episode IV. He died on March 2, 1992.
• Peter Cushing portrayed Grand Moff Tarkin in A New Hope. He passed away in August 1994.
• Tarik, the primary source for the voice of Chewbacca passed away in 1994 due to congestive heart failure. He was a black bear living in San Jose’s Happy Hollow Zoo.
• Sebastian Shaw portrayed Anakin Skywalker in the original version of Return of the Jedi. He died December 23, 1994.
• Morris Bush played Dengar in Episode V. He died in 1995.
• Jeremy Sinden portrayed Tiree in Episode IV. He died on May 29, 1996.
• Don Henderson portrayed General Cassio Tagge in Episode IV. He died on June 22, 1997.
• Jack Purvis portrayed the Chief Jawa and Ugnaught in Episodes IV and V, as well as Teebo in Episode 6. He died in November of 1997.
• Alec Guinness portrayed Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episodes IV-VI. He died August 5, 2000.
• Shelagh Fraser portrayed Aunt Beru in Episode IV. She died September 13, 2000.
• Ted Burnett portrayed Wuher the Bartender in Episode IV. He died on October 1, 2001.
• Claire Davenport portrayed Yarna d’al’ Gargan in Episode VI. She died on March 4, 2002.
• Des Webb portrayed the wampa in Episode V. He died on May 21, 2002.
• Bruce Boa portrayed General Rieekan in Episode V. He died on April 17, 2004.
• Michael Sheard portrayed Admiral Kendal Ozzel in The Empire Strikes Back. He died on August 31, 2005 after a battle with cancer.
• John Hollis portrayed Lobot in The Empire Strikes Back. He passed away on October 18, 2005.
• William Hootkins portrayed Jek Porkins in A New Hope. He passed away on October 23, 2005 from pancreatic cancer.
• Phil Brown played Owen Lars in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. He died on February 9, 2006.
• Stan Winston was a visual effects and makeup artist. He worked on the new Wookiee costumes for The Star Wars Holiday Special. He passed away on June 15, 2008 at the age of 62.
• Irvin Kershner was the director of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. He died on November 29, 2010 after a long illness.
• Colin Higgins, who played Wedge Antilles in the briefing scene of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. He passed away in December, 2012.
• Richard LeParmentier, who played the part of Admiral Motti in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, passed away on April 15, 2013, at age 66.
• Christopher Malcolm played Rogue Two in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. He died on February 15, 2014 at age 67.
• Malcolm Tierney played Shann Childsen in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. He died on February 18, 2014 at age 75. 

As you can see, there’s not many left! You should seriously consider listing all the main actors on next years lists, especially with some of them reaching a ripe old age, Harrison Ford (71), Mark Hamill (62), Carrie Fisher (57), Anthony Daniels (68), Kenny Baker (79), Peter Mayhew (69), David Prowse (78), James Earl Jones (83), Billy Dee Williams (77), Frank Oz (69) and Ian McDiarmid (69), just to name a few. 

You may have also heard that before the final parts of filming for Star Wars were to be completed, Mark Hamill aka Luke Skywalker was involved in a car crash. The plucky kid managed to squish his face in and had to have some reconstructive surgery to make him look human again. Luckily, all of his scenes were completed by using a stand-in, but for filming Empire, a scene had to be added of Skywalker being mauled by a Wampa to explain his facial disfigurement. 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Michelle Pfeiffer (56), Jerry Seinfeld (60), Jessica Alba (33), Jay Leno (64), David Beckham (39), Uma Thurman (44), Christina Hendricks (39), Willie Nelson (81), Daniel Day Lewis (57), Penelope Cruz (40), Frankie Valli (80), Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (42), Kirsten Dunst (32), Casey Kasem (82), Andre Agassi (44), Burt Young (74), Ann-Margret (73), Harper Lee (88), Sheena Easton (55), Julie Benz (42), Wes Anderson (45), Anouk Aimee (82), Kate Mulgrew (59), Jane Campion (60), Ray Parker Jr (60), Englebert Humperdinck (78) and Lily Allen (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Salutations my avid readers and fellow followers of death! Surprisingly, no points this week, even though the oldest man in Germany died and the oldest guy to have been verified died too, I thought you lot were better than this!  I implore you  all to take note of all the birthdays for last week, almost three quarters of them are ripe for the coffin, many names to keep in mind for your lists next year, and don’t be squeamish, just because you idolise them doesn’t mean you can’t list them!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Rubin Carter, 76, American middleweight boxer wrongfully convicted of murder, subject of “Hurricane” and The Hurricane, prostate cancer.
• Gertrud Henze, 112, German supercentenarian, oldest person in Germany.
• Arturo Licata, 111, Italian supercentenarian, world’s oldest verified living man.
• Mark Shand, 62, British travel writer and conservationist, injuries sustained from a fall.

In Other News

Lets start off with a feel good story. A couple who held hands at breakfast every morning even after 70 years of marriage have died 15 hours apart. Helen Felumlee (92), of Nashport, Ohio, died on April 12. Her husband, 91-year-old Kenneth Felumlee, died the next morning. The couple’s eight children say the two had been inseparable since meeting as teenagers, once sharing the bottom of a bunk bed on a ferry rather than sleeping one night apart. Let’s wish the family well and hope both life-long lovers are happy in whatever afterlife they believed in.

Proving that God does have a sense of humour, a man has been crushed to death by a giant crucifix dedicated to Pope John Paul II, days before the said ex-pontiff is to be canonised. In a bizarre coincidence, the 21-year-old man was reported to have been living in a street named after Pope John XXIII, who is also going to be canonised this weekend. Perhaps God is sending a message, that mere men, no matter how pious and good they were in life, were just men. Who said religion was good for you?

French free-climber, Alain Robert, also known as the ‘French Spiderman’, climbed the Galaxy Macau Tower bare-handed on Wednesday. The climbing stunt was a part of a series of events and activities planned to promote the film, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Surprisingly, Robert has never been listed on any of the Dead Pool lists, ever! One would think that a man that loves to climb buildings with his bare hands and a bag of chalk should be listed each year, but who am I to judge. If you fancy feeling a bit sick to the bottom of your stomach, Google some of his climbs.

On This Day

• 1521 – Battle of Mactan: Explorer Ferdinand Magellan is killed by natives in the Philippines led by chief Lapu-Lapu.
• 1667 – The blind and impoverished John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10.
• 1840 – Foundation stone for new Palace of Westminster, London, is laid by wife of Sir Charles Barry.
• 1950 – Apartheid: In South Africa, the Group Areas Act is passed formally segregating races.
• 1981 – Xerox PARC introduces the computer mouse.
• 1992 – Betty Boothroyd becomes the first woman to be elected Speaker of the British House of Commons in its 700-year history.

Deaths

• 1521 – Ferdinand Magellan, Portuguese explorer (b. 1480)
• 1882 – Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet (b. 1803)

Thank Fuck We’re Not All Dead by KoA

There are many instances during our lifetimes that due to some fuck up we should be grateful that we are alive. Could be that your fuck up was not looking when you were crossing the street, for others the fuck up is slightly more grievous. Take for instance, if you were working at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant on 26th April 1986. Yup, 28 years ago this weekend, someone had a bad day at work.

The Chernobyl disaster is the worst nuclear power plant accident in history in terms of cost and resulting deaths, and is one of only two classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale (the other being the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in 2011). The battle to contain the contamination and avert a greater catastrophe ultimately involved over 500,000 workers and cost an estimated 18 billion rubles. During the accident itself only 31 people died, but long-term effects such as cancers and deformities are still being accounted for.

The disaster began during a systems test, there was a sudden and unexpected power surge, and when an emergency shutdown was attempted, an exponentially larger spike in power output occurred, which led to a reactor vessel rupture and a series of steam explosions. These events exposed the graphite moderator of the reactor to air, causing it to ignite. The rest is probably easier to explain by the word BOOM!

Those of us old enough to remember will recall that the resulting radioactive fallout entered the atmosphere and travelled extensively over the planet. Personally, I remember that the local lamb in Wales was off the menu for decades after, many farmers going under because their livestock was too contaminated to sell and their lands being unusable, such sanctions only recently having been lifted.

So after the area was brought under some kind of control, an area extending 30 kilometres in all directions from the plant was officially called the “zone of alienation”. It is largely uninhabited, except for about 300 residents who have refused to leave. The area has largely reverted to forest, and has been overrun by wildlife because of a lack of competition with humans for space and resources. Even today, radiation levels are so high that the workers responsible for rebuilding the sarcophagus are only allowed to work five hours a day for one month before taking 15 days of rest. Ukrainian officials estimate the area will not be safe for human life again for another 20,000 years.

So the next time you’re having a bad day at work, just think how much worse it could be!

Last Week’s Birthdays

George Takei (77), Ryan O’Neal (73), Iggy Pop (67), The Queen (88), Tony Danza (63), Jack Nicholson (77), Lee Majors (75), Glen Campbell (78), Michael Moore (60), Shirley MMacLaine (80), Barbra Streisand (72), Hank Azaria (50), Al Pacino (70), Channing Tatum (33), Renee Zellweger (45), Jessica Lange (65), Clint Howard (55), Andy Serkis (50), Carmen Electra (42), Charles Grodin (79), Andie MacDowell (56), James McAvoy (35), Charlotte Rae (88), Estelle Harris (86), John Waters (68), Sheryl Lee (47), Djimon Hounsou (50), Len Goodman (70), Bjorn Ulvaeus (69), Joan Chen (53) and Jet Li (51).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all, on what  would have been Adolf Hitler’s  125th birthday, no doubt had  things turned out differently, we’d be celebrating a national holiday, oh, hang on, we are! Some other guy died, thus creating the Easter Break. Lucky eh? Perhaps we should take this as a precedent and murder other holy people every few weeks so we can have a couple of days off each month. Anyone care to offer up some names?

No deaths last week, so no points, again a slight dearth of celebrity deaths, but when has that held us back?

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Edna Doré, 92, British actress (EastEnders), emphysema.
• Gabriel García Márquez, 87, Colombian author (One Hundred Years of Solitude, Love in the Time of Cholera), laureate of the Nobel Prize in Literature (1982), pneumonia.
• Derek Cooper, 88, British broadcaster (The Food Programme) and food journalist, Parkinson’s disease.

In Other News

BBC News presenter George Alagiah has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. The presenter of the BBC News at Six, Ten and GMT on BBC World News will take a break from his on-air duties while he undergoes treatment. A statement from the BBC said: “He’s grateful for all the good wishes he has received thus far and is optimistic for a positive outcome.” Alagiah, 58, first joined the BBC in 1989 and spent many years as one of the BBC’s leading foreign correspondents before moving to presenting, reporting on events such as the genocide in Rwanda and the conflict in Kosovo.

Bob Wilson, the former Arsenal goalkeeper and broadcaster, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Wilson, 72, who played more than 230 times for Arsenal during the 1960s and 70s and  who was capped twice by Scotland, has cancelled work and charity commitments while he has treatment. The former BBC TV presenter said: “I am very confident that the treatment I am receiving will prove successful and kindly ask that my privacy is respected at this time.”

After two sad pieces of news, I feel we need a feel-good story, so lets have a laugh at David Cameron being stung by a jellyfish. Whilst bobbing gently in the Spanish waters of Lanzarote, the prize cunt was attacked by an aquatic hero. It seems other bathers warned the PM that there were ‘loads of jellies down there’ so he rushed in to save his children. If only he’d do the same thing for this country. Sadly the sting he received, which left him shouting in pain, didn’t even require medical treatment. The not so transparent creature with a frightening lack of substance will be returning to work at Westminster next week, the jelly fish will be awarded the OBE in this years honours list.  

Pensions minister, Steve Webb, is keen to tell pensioners upon their day of retirement how long they have left to live. Estimates of life expectancy would be based on factors such as gender, where they live, and whether they smoke. The information would help them plan their finances more efficiently, according to the minister. It’s a shame he feels that people who have paid into the system all their working lives are suddenly a burden upon us all, I’d hate to be his father. If you feel the need to guesstimate your date of demise, have a go here. Personally I’m going to die on Saturday 23rd May 2037, so I won’t even see my retirement, much to the joy of Steve Webb. 

On This Day

• 1862– Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard complete the experiment falsifying the theory of spontaneous generation.
• 1902 – Pierre and Marie Curie refine radium chloride.
• 1918– Manfred von Richthofen, aka The Red Baron, shoots down his 79th and 80th victims, his final victories before his death the following day.
• 1926– Western Electric  announce Vitaphone, a process to add sound to film.
• 1939– Adolf Hitler’s 50th birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in Nazi Germany.
• 1951– Dan Gavriliu performs the first surgical replacement of a human organ.
• 1964– BBC Two launches with a power cut because of the fire at Battersea Power Station.
• 1968–English politician Enoch Powell makes his controversial Rivers of Blood speech.
• 1999 – Columbine High School massacre: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 13 people and injure 24 others before committing suicide at Columbine High School in Columbine, Colorado.
• 2010–The Deepwater Horizon drilling rig explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, killing eleven workers and beginning an oil spill that would last six months.

Deaths

• 1912– Bram Stoker, Irish author (b. 1847)
• 1991– Don Siegel, American director and producer (b. 1912)
• 1992– Benny Hill, English comedian and actor (b. 1924)
• 1999– Rick Rude, American wrestler (b. 1958)

Horrible Ways to Die #6 by Dexychik

In the spirit of Easter, the theme of the week is crucifixion.

Now, crucifixion was used by Greeks, Romans, Persians and Carthginians as capital punishment. In terms of the gospel, Jesus probably didn’t carry his own cross to Golgotha, because it would have been enormously heavy. However, the victim usually carried the crosspiece of their cross, before being flogged.  This was the part their hands were nailed or bound to.

Now, the placement of the nails are not precisely known because there’s little archaeological evidence, and translations are unreliable, but the nails were either put through the palm of the hand, or through the radial part of the arm, using the arm bones as support to stop the arm being dragged down over the nail. Of the two, the palm would be more painful if the nerves in the palm were severed.

Once nailed to the crossbar, the crossbar was nailed to a vertical stake. The feet of the victim were nailed into place, both at ankle and through the sole into a support just below the feet, again to stop the feet slipping. The cross wouldn’t be particularly huge, probably suspending the victim only a couple of feet or so above the ground.

So far so hideous.

Crucifixion was a very slow death. It took days. Part of the reason the gospel crucifixion is different is that Jesus died in three hours. There is an explanation in the text – someone pushed a vinegar-soaked sponge into Jesus’ face. He then threw his head back and died. Throwing your head back when being crucified will cause your chest to expand, but not be able to deflate again. It’s likely that Jesus, or whoever the writer based the story on, suffocated. People were not usually tortured once up – the Roman stabbing Jesus to check he was dead was probably because his death was unexpectedly quick. The legs of crucified people were often broken to speed death up.

Death was usually from a combination of blood-loss, shock, exposure, and dehydration. Infection could also play a part – imagine how long you’d be hanging for a localised infection to kick in.

People could be crucified upside down, which meant a much faster death. There were also different models of cross, aside from the tradition one of Christianity.  The crux immissa had four arms to attach the limbs of the victim. The crux commissa had three arms, and the crux decussata was the same as a St Andrew’s Cross, allowing the victim to be spreadeagled and mutilated.

The body was left on the cross until it rotted away, as a deterrent. And the practice continued in Japan until the 19th century, although most other countries had stopped by the middle ages. Non-lethal crucifixion is occasionally practised as a devotional act, frowned upon by the Roman Catholic church, and as a punishment in Yemen.

Happy Easter! Next time, being broken on a wheel!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Adrien Brody (41), Loretta Lynn (82), Anthony Michael Hall (46), Emma Thompson (55), Emma Watson (24), Seth Rogen (32), Benedict XVI (87), Ellen Barkin (60), Victoria Beckham (40), Jennifer Garner (42), Conan O’Brien (51), James Franco (36), Tim Curry (68), Edward Fox (77), Al Green (68), Ron Perlman (64), Julie Christie (74), Robert Carlyle (53), Sarah Michelle Gellar (37), Samantha Fox (48), Bobby Vinton (79), Jimmy Osmond (51), Martin Lawrence (49), Lukas Haas (38), Jan Hammer (66), Sean Bean (55), Hayley Mills (68), James Woods (67) and Rick Moranis (61).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Bit of a slow week this week, maybe because I  robbed Mickey Rooney and Peaches Geldof from Monday onto last weeks newsletter, I only have myself to blame, I should write things on time! So we only have the sad deaths of Adrian Mole creator, Sue Townsend, and the early death of The  Ultimate Warrior to entertain us. With Warriors demise, its perhaps pertinent to take a look at the ageing WWF wrestlers, all of which will be struggling to keep their steroid addled hearts going, and lets face it, all that shouting and brutal jumping around in front of the American public is enough to put a strain on anyone!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• The Ultimate Warrior, 54, American Hall of Fame professional wrestler (WWE).
• Sue Townsend, 68, British novelist and playwright (Adrian Mole series), stroke.
• And a whole horde of others that I didn’t recognise at all!

In Other News

By the time you have read this we will know if Mo Farah has won the London Marathon to not, or perhaps he’s actually dead a mile before the finishing line if last month’s collapse at the New York Marathon is anything to go by! Mo was unconscious for three minutes after finishing second and carted off in a wheelchair, all because he suffered a slight fall and got a bit cold. Doesn’t sound all that fit to me! Let’s wish him well anyway, nobody has him on their lists, so him dying would be a bit of a waste!

The former Bishop of Gloucester, The Rt Rev Peter Ball was due to appear in court to answer allegations of sex offences dating back to the 1970’s but was too unwell to appear. The 82 year old faces charges of fucking little boys in his care. I think this is the same guy I agreed to spend the evening with incarcerated in a prison cell for charity, thank fuck that fell through, otherwise if he’d tried anything I’d have been one facing a lengthy jail sentence for the murder of a Bishop! Let’s hope the dirty old cunt dies in jail.

It’s sad to hear that the remains of Mickey Rooney are being fought over by his relatives. The 93 year old disinherited his wife and all of his children in his last will, leaving is £10k legacy to his stepson who served as his caregiver until he died. I bet when they began all their court litigations they expected to find a bit more than £10,000. Looks like the lawyers are going to win and the family will end up with large bills and a rotting corpse to deal with.

On This Day

• 1111 – Henry V is crowned Holy Roman Emperor.
• 1613 – Samuel Argall captures Native American princess Pocahontas in Passapatanzy, Virginia to ransom her for some English prisoners held by her father.
• 1796 – The first elephant ever seen in the United States arrives from India.
• 1960 – The United States launches Transit 1-B, the world’s first satellite navigation system.
• 1964 – At the Academy Awards, Sidney Poitier becomes the first African-American male to win the Best Actor award for the 1963 film Lilies of the Field.
• 1970 – An oxygen tank aboard Apollo 13 explodes, putting the crew in great danger and causing major damage to the spacecraft while en route to the Moon.
• 1997 – Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win the Masters Tournament.

Deaths

• 1975 – Larry Parks, American actor (b. 1914)
• 2001 – Robert Moon, American postal inspector, created the ZIP code (b. 1917)
• 2004 – Caron Keating, English-Irish television host (b. 1962)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

This week we take a look at what Ángel Nieves Díaz ate before he was lethally injected for the crime of murder, even though he protested his innocence until he  died.  On December 13, 2006, Nieves Díaz was executed at the Florida State Prison in Raiford. He did not order a last meal, but was served a prison menu of shredded turkey with taco seasoning, shredded cheese, rice, pinto beans, tortilla shells, apple crisp, and iced tea. He also refused this meal. So facing his death on an empty stomach, the poor chap was injected straight through the vein and instead of dying within the stipulated 7.5 minutes, it took over an hour. I bet he regretted his decision not to eat then…

Horrible Ways to Die #5 – Rabies!  by Dexychik

Rabies is a disease generally associated with dogs, but any mammal can catch it, including humans. It’s more commonly passed on by bat bite than dog. It’s always been rare in the west, but is not eradicated: up to 55,000 people a year die of it worldwide, mainly in Africa and Asia. There is no treatment, except for vaccination, which can be administered after a bite. The vaccine is notable because it was one of the earliest invented, second only to smallpox.

The bugger of rabies is that it can take a very long time to manifest. Usually it’s within a few months, sometimes as soon as a week, but it has been reported up to six years after exposure. Although the vaccine is generally successful at preventing it, if it gets to your central nervous system, you die.

The early symptoms are a fever and a bit of irritation around the entry site. However, once it reaches the brain or spinal cord, it is dramatic. You suffer paralysis and insanity, usually of the paranoid, terrified type, before lapsing into unconsciousness. It used to be called hydrophobia, because it’s common to develop an absolutely hysterical fear of water. This isn’t helped by the mouth overproducing saliva, which is what gives rabid dogs the characteristic ‘foaming at the mouth’ appearance. If a drink is so much as suggested to someone with rabies, their whole throat and larynx spasms.

Thankfully, death follows within 10 days in almost all cases, so you don’t have to suffer long. But probably best to cough up for a vaccine if you’re travelling to areas where it’s common.

Next time! Being broken on a wheel!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Kirsten Stewart (24), Dennis Quaid (60), Jenna Jameson (40), David Letterman (67), Shannen Doherty (43), Hugh Hefner (88), Paul Rudd (45), Claire Danes (35), Russell Crowe (50), Ed O’Neill (68), Zach Braff (39), Robin Wright (48), Andy Garcia (58), Billy Dee Williams (77), Steven Seagal (62), Saoirse Ronan (20), John Ratzenberger (67), Francis Ford Coppola (75), Jackie Chan (60), Julian Lennon (51), Joss Stone (27), Jennifer Morrison (35), James Garner (86), Wayne Rogers (81), Patricia Arquette (46), Max von Sydow (85), Omar Sharif (82), Haley Joel Osment (26) and Lisa Stansfield (48).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!