Welcome minions of the moribund, I can this week say that we have a point scorer! Congratulations to Julia for correctly guessing that the Duchess of Alba would depart us this year, 62 points awarded and the joy of not being on a big fat zero, like myself, with only five weeks to go. Lets hope that the cold weather catches a few for the rest of us ‘nil point’ players before this year is out!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Jimmy Ruffin, 78, American soul singer (“What Becomes of the Brokenhearted”).
• Pete Harman, 95, American businessman, opened first KFC franchise.
• Mike Nichols, 83, German-born American director (The Graduate, Angels in America, Spamalot), Oscar winner (1968), cardiac arrest.
• Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart, 18th Duchess of Alba, 88, Spanish aristocrat.

In Other News

Bono has undergone five hours of surgery after breaking his arm in six places and suffering a broken eye socket after falling off his bike in New York. Bono’s injuries are a result of what doctors called a “high-energy bicycle accident” were much more severe than the band let on in an earlier statement. Multiple x-rays showed that Bono had suffered numerous serious injuries, including a “facial fracture involving the orbit of his eye” and three separate fractures of his left shoulder blade. The fracture of the left humerus bone in his upper arm was said to be particularly serious, as it broke in six places and pierced the skin. Bono had just returned to New York after recording Band Aid 30 in London on Saturday, advocating that us poor fuckers pay an extortionate amount for a crap song to save Africans from themselves whilst he’s hiding millions in an offshore account. Karma…

Cher has cancelled the remainder of her Dressed to Kill tour after doctors advised she needed more time to recover from an ongoing viral infection. The singer said she was “devastated”. “Nothing like this has ever happened to me,” she lamented, in a statement. “I sincerely hope that we can come back again next year and finish what we started,” added the 68-year-old star. The second leg of the tour was due to kick off in New York on 11th September, but was postponed after the singer was “felled by an infection that affected her kidney function”. You can’t really complain, I doubt my granny would get up on stage dressed in fishnets to sing ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’…

Craig Charles has became the second person to leave the reality show I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! after reports that his brother had died of a heart attack. After being made aware that his older brother had passed away at the age of 52, the Red Dwarf actor returned to Croc Creek to tell his fellow celebrities that he was heading home to be with his family. As yo know, heart disease runs in families, let’s keep a close eye on the Corrie star!

Jeremy Vine, the Radio 2 presenter, has been stopped by police for speeding on his bike at more than three times the limit. The reckless radio personality was caught cycling at 16mph through Hyde Park while on his way to work by an officer with a hand-held radar gun. Vine came to a halt in the cycle lane as the Metropolitan Police officer held up his hand and showed him the speed reading. He said he did not realise the limit was 5mph and apologised. With such death defying traits, he could end up like Bono, so we really should be listing him next year, or perhaps the Police should actually do some proper policing for a change.

American mass murderer Charles Manson, 80, has been granted a licence to marry a 26-year-old woman who has been visiting him in prison. The bride-to-be, Afton Elaine Burton, says she loves Manson. As a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits, so she will be spared the killers dusty sperms and the chance to get murdered herself. Luckily for his wife to be, Manson is not eligible to apply for parole again until 2027, hopefully by then the cunt will be dead and she’ll have moved on to a less media chasing life and a normal relationship.

Formula 1 driver Jules Bianchi is no longer in an artificial coma and is breathing unaided, his parents have said in a statement. However, his condition is still “critical” and he remains unconscious. They said they were “relieved” to confirm their son had been transferred to Le Centre Hospitalier Universitaire de Nice. Bianchi suffered a diffuse axonal injury when he crashed into a tractor at Suzuka that was recovering Adrian Sutil’s Sauber.

And finally, still on the F1 vein, it has been confirmed that Michael Schumacher is paralysed and has memory and speech problems from the brain injuries he sustained in a skiing accident, according to Philippe Streiff, a friend and ex-Formula One driver who was himself left in a wheelchair by a crash. Streiff, who was paralysed by a crash in 1989, said: “He is getting better but everything is relative. It’s very difficult. He can’t speak. Like me he is in a wheelchair, paralysed. He has memory problems and speech problems.” A spokeswoman for Schumacher said Streiff’s comments were “his opinions”.

On This Day

• 534 BC – Thespis of Icaria becomes the first recorded actor to portray a character onstage.
• 1644 – John Milton publishes Areopagitica, a pamphlet decrying censorship.
• 1889 – The first jukebox goes into operation at the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco.
• 1910 – Johan Alfred Ander becomes the last person to be executed in Sweden.
• 1924 – Edwin Hubble‘s scientific discovery that Andromeda, previously believed to be a nebula within our galaxy, is actually another galaxy, and that the Milky Way is only one of many such galaxies in the universe, was first published in a newspaper.
• 1963 – The BBC broadcasts the first episode of Doctor Who (starring William Hartnell), which is now the world’s longest running science fiction drama.
• 1979 – In Dublin, Ireland, Provisional Irish Republican Army member Thomas McMahon is sentenced to life in prison for the assassination of Lord Mountbatten.
• 1992 – The first smartphone, the IBM Simon, is introduced at COMDEX in Las Vegas, Nevada.
• 2004 – World of Warcraft, the largest MMORPG in the world was first released to the public.

Deaths

• 1910 – Hawley Harvey Crippen, American physician and murderer (b. 1862)
• 1990 – Roald Dahl, Welsh-English pilot, author, and screenwriter (b. 1916)
• 1991 – Klaus Kinski, German-American actor and director (b. 1926)
• 2001 – Mary Whitehouse, English educator and activist (b. 1910)
• 2006 – Alexander Litvinenko, Russian spy (b. 1962)
• 2010 – Ingrid Pitt, Polish-English actress and author (b. 1937)
• 2012 – Larry Hagman, American actor, director, and producer (b. 1931)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Scarlett Johansson (29), Danny Devito (70), Jodi Foster (52), Mark Ruffalo (47), Rachel McAdams (36), Owen Wilson (46), Goldie Hawn (69), Carly Rae Jepsen (29), Meg Ryan (63), Joe Biden (72), Maggie Gyllenhaal (37), Martin Scorsese (72), Bo Derek (58), Jamie Lee Curtis (56), Larry King (81), Lorne Michaels (70), Delroy Lindo (62), Sean Young (55), Billie Jean King (71), Missi Pyle (42), Martha Plimpton (44), Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (56), RuPaul (54) and Linda Evans (72).

2014 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon Poolers! Yet another week goes by and we have failed yet again to guess a single celebrity death! I’m starting to rethink my strategy for next year as these famous types are far outlasting us normal people, perhaps their longevity has something to do with how ridiculously rich they are. Back in my day an 80 year old celebrity was a cert! Anyhow, we have little over six weeks ’til the end of this years pool, so if you haven’t got your thinking cap on, you’d best drag it out from under the bed and give it a good dusting!

As always, I will be hassling you continuously during the month of December to get your lists in, I know what you lot are like, I have no idea how you managed to get an ‘O’ Level without doing your homework. If you would rather drop out for next year, please let me know and I’ll remove you from my hassle list.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Luke Dolan, 108, Irish centenarian, oldest man in the Republic of Ireland.
• Joe Walsh, 71, Irish politician, Minister for Agriculture and Food (1992–1994, 1997–2004).
• Steve Dodd, 86, Australian actor (Gallipoli, The Matrix, Quigley Down Under).
• Ernest Kinoy, 89, American writer (Roots, Dimension X, X Minus One), pneumonia.
• Big Bank Hank, 58, American rapper (The Sugarhill Gang), kidney complications of cancer.
• Carol Ann Susi, 62, American actress (The Big Bang Theory, Cats & Dogs, Death Becomes Her), cancer.
• Warren Clarke, 67, British actor (Dalziel and Pascoe, A Clockwork Orange, Top Secret!).
• Rebekah Gibbs, 41, British actress (Casualty), breast cancer.
• Mike Burney, 70, English saxophonist (Wizzard), cancer.
• Glen A. Larson, 77, American television writer and producer (Battlestar Galactica, Knight Rider, Magnum, P.I.), esophageal cancer.

In Other News 

Richie Benaud has revealed he is undergoing radiation treatment for skin cancer. The revered broadcaster has been absent from his commentary duties since a car accident near his Sydney home in 2013. Benaud said he was paying the price for a cricket career in which he did not wear a hat or sunscreen. “When I was a kid we never ever wore a cap. I wish I had. You live and learn as you go along,” he said. “I recommend to everyone they wear protection on their heads. Eighty-four-year-olds don’t seem to mend as well as they used to.” Ain’t that the truth!!

Pete Doherty is back in a Thai rehab centre. Two years after he was kicked out of a similar facility, the Libertines frontman is hoping to finally quit heroin and to begin helping other struggling addicts. Doherty is also receiving support from his Libertines bandmate Carl Barât. After a long hiatus the band reunited for gigs this summer and they are now working on a new album. Woo!

The Brazil legend Pelé was taken to hospital on Wednesday with a stomach complaint which forced him to miss an event at the museum honouring his career. The 74-year-old was taken to São Paulo’s Albert Einstein Hospital as a precaution, according to the TV station Globo. Other media quoted a spokesman as saying Pelé was not believed to be seriously ill.

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has been discharged from hospital after being treated for the latest in a series of medical problems. President Fernandez, who is 61, was hospitalised a week ago with fever and stomach pains. Doctors diagnosed an intestinal infection but have allowed her to leave hospital and ordered 10 days’ bed rest. This is the third time in less than a year that the president has suffered health issues. Best keep a very close eye on her.

An Argentinian magistrate has called on Interpol to use all necessary means to summon Justin Bieber to a Buenos Aires court. The singer has been accused of assault by a photographer, and magistrate Facundo Cubas said Bieber will face arrest if he does not submit his testimony about the incident within the next 60 days. If Bieber does return, a guilty verdict could result in up to a year in jail. I for one would like to see his face when a guilty verdict is read, imagine the state of his arsehole after a year in an Argentinian jail!!

And finally, a Polish woman who spent 11 hours in cold storage in a mortuary after being declared dead has returned to her family, complaining of feeling cold. Officials say Janina Kolkiewicz, 91, was declared dead after an examination by the family doctor. However, mortuary staff were astonished to notice movement in her body bag while it was in storage. The police have launched an investigation. Back home, Ms Kolkiewicz was warmed up with a bowl of soup and two pancakes and luckily has no inkling of what happened since she has late-stage dementia.

On This Day

• 1904 – English engineer John Ambrose Fleming receives a patent for the thermionic valve (vacuum tube).
• 1914 – The Federal Reserve Bank of the United States officially opens.
• 1965 – The Soviet Union launches the Venera 3 space probe toward Venus, which will be the first spacecraft to reach the surface of another planet.

Deaths

• 1960 – Clark Gable, American actor and singer (b. 1901)
• 1982 – Arthur Askey, English comedian, actor, and singer (b. 1900)
• 2008 – Reg Varney, English actor and screenwriter (b. 1916)
• 2009 – Edward Woodward, English actor and singer (b. 1930)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Anne Hathaway (32), Ryan Gosling (34), Whoopi Goldberg (59), Neil Young (68), Demi Moore (52), Leonardo Dicaprio (40), Prince Charles (65), Ed Asner (85), Lou Ferrigno (63), Calista Flockhart (50), Gerard Butler (45), Beverly D’Angelo (63), Condoleezza Rice (60) and Chad Kroeger (40).

2014 League Table

[Confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Not a good week  to be a musician it seems,  they’ve been dropping like flies and  our list of potentials only contains people of note from the music industry this week. How we missed out on Acker Bilk I’ll never know!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Acker Bilk, 85, British jazz clarinetist (“Stranger on the Shore”).
• Wayne Static, 48, American singer and musician (Static-X).
• Manitas de Plata, 93, French flamenco guitarist.
• Rick Rosas, 65, American session musician (Etta James, Joe Walsh, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young).

In Other News

Following revelations by his family a couple of weeks ago, Muhammad Ali’s doctor has played down fears over the former world heavyweight champion’s health. Ali, 72, has had Parkinson’s disease since 1984 and there have been rumours his health has been deteriorating. “I don’t see anything immediately that leads me to think that he is going to die in six months or a year,” Dr. Abraham Lieberman said. “People do not die of Parkinson’s. They develop trouble swallowing, they develop pneumonia, fall and bang their heads. His family take extraordinary care of him.” Even with such comments, all it takes is a small trip…

The six-times world championship finalist Jimmy White has told of his battle with crack cocaine addiction. The Whirlwind, 52, became a fans’ favourite in the 1980s and 90s, reaching the Crucible final in 1984 and in every year from 1990 to 1994 but losing on each occasion. White, though, was hiding a drug habit which cost him up to £10,000 a month, moving from cocaine to its stronger form. “I’m lucky to be alive” he admitted, “drugs probably cost me 10 world titles.”

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner is  being treated for an “infectious fever” in a hospital in the capital, Buenos Aires, officials say. Ms Fernandez, 61, checked herself into the clinic after feeling ill Sunday afternoon, an official statement explained. The president has had a series of health problems, some of which have forced her to cancel official trips. Last year she had an operation to treat bleeding on the brain. She also missed this year’s independence day celebrations due to a throat infection. Could it be Ebola?

The Olympic champion, Dani King is recovering in hospital after a training accident left the 23-year-old with five broken ribs and a punctured lung. The team pursuit Olympic champion crashed on a regular cycling training route in Wales after a member of her group hit a pothole. King, who is in intensive care, wrote on Twitter: “Crashed whilst out training yesterday resulting in 5 broken ribs and a collapsed lung. Being looked after by the amazing NHS ICU in Wales.”

Thailand’s 86-year-old king remains in hospital after surgery to remove his gallbladder, the palace has said. Bhumibol Adulyadej, the world’s longest-reigning monarch, was admitted to Siriraj hospital in Bangkok on 3rd October and hasn’t been well since. Previously he’s spent four years in a special suite after being admitted for a lung infection! The guy seems to be falling apart, surely a contender for next years lists!

And finally, two little tales of stupidity. A 26-year-old Australian man who risked his life by diving into shark-infested waters to climb onto a rotting whale carcass has confessed that even his parents think he is an idiot. “One of my mates said it would be pretty funny to surf the whale, so I did it.” He was not put off by the fact that several hungry tiger sharks and a massive great white, were circling around the carcass at the time. Twat!

Secondly, American wildlife filmmaker Paul Rosolie, 26, who describes himself as “Indiana Jones with a green twist”, is planning to be eaten alive by a snake. Wearing a spacial suit, breathing apparatus and a rope tied around his foot, he plans to be swallowed whole for a TV show. I sincerely hope it goes wrong and the stupid cunt dies, but what will most likely happen is that they will have to cut him out and kill the poor snake. Bigger twat!

On This Day

• 1620 – Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower sight land at Cape Cod, Massachusetts.
• 1872 – The Great Boston Fire of 1872.
• 1888 – Mary Jane Kelly is murdered in London, widely believed to be the fifth and final victim of the notorious unidentified serial killer Jack the Ripper.
• 1907 – The Cullinan Diamond is presented to King Edward VII on his birthday.
• 1967 – The first issue of Rolling Stone Magazine is published.
• 1989 – Cold War: Fall of the Berlin Wall. Communist-controlled East Germany opens checkpoints in the Berlin Wall allowing its citizens to travel to West Germany. This key event led to the eventual reunification of East and West Germany, and fall of communism in eastern Europe including Russia.

Deaths

• 1888 – Mary Jane Kelly, Irish-English victim of Jack the Ripper (b. 1863)
• 1937 – Ramsay MacDonald, Scottish journalist and politician, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1866)
• 1940 – Neville Chamberlain, English businessman and politician, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1869)
• 1953 – Dylan Thomas, Welsh poet and author (b. 1914)
• 1970 – Charles de Gaulle, French general and politician, 18th President of France (b. 1890)
• 2003 – Art Carney, American actor and singer (b. 1918)
• 2004 – Emlyn Hughes, English footballer and manager (b. 1947)
• 2004 – Stieg Larsson, Swedish journalist and author (b. 1954)
• 2012 – Bill Tarmey, English actor and singer (b. 1941)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Emma Stone (26), Matthew McConaughey (45), Roseanne Barr (62), Lorde (18), Ethan Hawke (44), Sally Field (68), David Schwimmer (48), Ralph Macchio (54), Dolph Lundgren (57), Gordon Ramsay (48), Joni Mitchell (71), Bryan Adams (55), Maria Shriver (59), Sam Rockwell (46), Tatum O’Neal (51), Art Garfunkel (72), Mike Nichols (83), Loretta Swit (77), Anna Wintour (65), Thandie Newton (42), Rebecca Romijn (42), Famke Janssen (49), Tilda Swinton (54), Adam Ant (61), Kate Capshaw (61) and K.D. Lang (53).

2014 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Good afternoon one and all to this especially poignant edition of the Dead Pool. Yes, your Dead Pool Master lived to see the advent of his 40th birthday, who would have thunk it!! On another note, since most of you know Nickie through the FridayTwiz or the odd post on this here newsletter, you may or may not know that she’s authored a bookie wookie for you to enjoy. So if you like quizzes, and who doesn’t, visit this link for more info or even visit this link to buy her book.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Marcia Strassman, 66, American actress (Welcome Back, Kotter, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids), breast cancer.Ted Beniades, 91, American actor (Scarface, Serpico, The Odd Couple).
• Senzo Meyiwa, 27, South African footballer (Orlando Pirates, national team), shot.
• Ian Fraser, 81, English composer and conductor (“Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy“, Scrooge, Christmas in Washington), cancer.
• Michael Alsbury, 39, American test pilot and engineer (Scaled Composites), Virgin Galactic crash.

In Other News

The magician Paul Daniels needed an emergency tetanus jab after he was bitten by one of his stage rabbits while he was rehearsing for his new tour. Daniels, 76, was given the shot and prescribed a course of strong antibiotics after the rabbit attacked. The accident happened on Friday and the injury meant he had to delay the start of his show at the Lyceum Theatre in Crewe, part of his Back Despite Popular Demand Tour, with wife Debbie McGee, 55. A source said: “It wasn’t too serious. He still has all his finger. It’s just a little sore. Debbie is enjoying playing nurse.” Daniels, who is famous for his “not a lot” catchphrase, later tweeted: “It will be interesting to do magic with this elastoplasted finger.” It is not the first time he has been attacked by a co-star. In 2011 Paul had to be treated in hospital and was left with a black eye, after puppet Sooty threw a pizza at his head.

Hugh Jackman has had treatment for skin cancer for a third time. His people confirmed that he was treated for Basal Cell Carcinoma after the Wolverine actor was  recently pictured with another bandage on his nose. But his representatives say he’s “all good” after the procedure. The 46-year-old tweeted “Sunscreen” with a picture of his cancerous nose.

South Korea’s spy agency believes it has solved the mystery of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s six-week public absence that set off a frenzy of global speculation. The National Intelligence Service told legislators on Tuesday that a foreign doctor operated on Kim in September or October to remove a cyst from his left ankle, lawmaker Shin Kyung-min said. He said the spy agency also told lawmakers that the cyst could recur because of Kim’s obesity, smoking and heavy public schedule.

The inventor of the popular board game Operation is in desperate need of money to pay for a real-life operation. Friends of John Spinello, 77, are hoping to raise $25,000 (£15,400) on a crowdfunding site for oral surgery not covered by his insurance. Mr Spinello sold the game for $500 in 1964 and is not entitled to royalties. He is also planning an auction of the original prototype to raise additional money.

The family of Jules Bianchi have issued a new statement on the Marussia driver’s condition, saying the 25-year-old “continues to fight” for life. Bianchi suffered a diffuse axonal injury to his brain when he crashed into a recovery vehicle in heavy rain during the Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka on 5th October, and has been undergoing treatment in Japan. In the new statement, the family said: “It will be four weeks this coming Sunday since Jules’ accident and he remains in the Mie General Medical Center in Yokkaichi. His condition continues to be classified by the medical professionals here as critical but stable.”

Everyone’s favourite paedo, Rolf Harris, has lost the first round of a legal challenge against his conviction for indecent assaults. The disgraced entertainer was jailed in July for nearly six years for 12 indecent assaults on four girls, including one aged just seven or eight. The Judicial Office confirmed a judge had refused his application for permission to appeal, lodged in August. But the 84-year-old can still renew the application before three judges at the Court of Appeal.

On This Day

• 1512 – The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michelangelo, is exhibited to the public for the first time.
• 1520 – The Strait of Magellan, the passage immediately south of mainland South America connecting the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans, is first discovered and navigated by European explorer Ferdinand Magellan during the first recorded circumnavigation voyage.
• 1604 – William Shakespeare‘s tragedy Othello is performed for the first time, at Whitehall Palace in London.
• 1611 – William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest is performed for the first time, at Whitehall Palace in London.
• 1800 – John Adams becomes the first President of the United States to live in the Executive Mansion (later renamed the White House).
• 1896 – A picture showing the bare breasts of a woman appears in National Geographic magazine for the first time.
• 1939 – The first rabbit born after artificial insemination is exhibited to the world.
• 1968 – The Motion Picture Association of America‘s film rating system is officially introduced, originating with the ratings G, M, R, and X.

Deaths

• 1952 – Dixie Lee. American actress, singer, and dancer (b. 1911)
• 1982 – King Vidor, American director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1894)
• 1985 – Phil Silvers, American actor and singer (b. 1911)
• 2005 – Michael Piller, American screenwriter and producer (b. 1948)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Julia Roberts (47), Jenny McCarthy (42), Joaquin Phoenix (40), Hillary Clinton (67), Henry Winkler (69), Winona Ryder (43), Vanilla Ice (47), Kelly Osborne (30), Richard Dreyfuss (67), Jaclyn Smith (69), John Cleese (75), Anthony Kiedis (52), Toni Collette (52), Simon LeBon (56), Cary Elwes (52), Seth Macfarlane (41), Jon Heder (37), Annie Potts (62), Bill Gates (59) and Larry Flynt (72).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all, a very eventful week in the world of  celebrity deaths, however nobody scored a single point, we all really need to try harder! With little over two months left to play, the scoring has been abysmal this year, either celebrities are getting hardier or we’re simply not good enough at predicting their expiry dates. Let’s hope that the upcoming cold weather reaps a few on our lists, but I suppose celebrities don’t have to worry about heating bills…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Mick Burt, British drummer (Chas & Dave), Parkinson’s disease and dementia.
• Lynda Bellingham, 66, Canadian-born British actress (Doctor Who, General Hospital, The Bill), colon cancer.
• Gerard Parkes, 90, Irish-born Canadian actor (Fraggle Rock, The Boondock Saints).
• Raphael Ravenscroft, 60, British saxophonist (“Baker Street“) and author, suspected heart attack.
• John Holt, 67, Jamaican singer (The Paragons) and songwriter (“The Tide Is High”).
• Alvin Stardust, 72, English singer (“My Coo Ca Choo”).
• David Redfern, 78, English photographer, cancer.
• Jack Bruce, 71, Scottish bassist (Cream, Manfred Mann, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers) and composer, liver disease.

In Other News

Tottenham Hotspur have said they are supporting former football star Paul Gascoigne after it was reported he had been placed on an emergency three-day detox. Medics sectioned the 47-year-old under the Mental Health Act at 3am on Friday after a drinking binge. His close friend and former Spurs team-mate Gary Mabbutt said: “Paul hasn’t been well for the past couple of weeks, he wants to get better and he’s asked for help. He is being looked after very well – he has got a lot of support around him.” Police were called to Gascoigne’s home in Poole, Dorset, at around 3.30pm on Thursday, but something must have happened in-between then and his sectioning at 3am, perhaps he tried an early points score on the Dead Pool?

Bad news for a few Poolers, former Dr Feelgood guitarist Wilko Johnson says he has been “cured” of the terminal pancreatic cancer with which he was diagnosed in 2012. The 67-year-old was initially given 10 months to live after rejecting chemotherapy, but had radical surgery to remove the tumour earlier this year. After an 11 hour operation to remove 3kg of tumour, his pancreas, spleen, part of his stomach, small and large intestines and the removal and reconstruction of blood vessels relating to the liver, Wilko, or what’s left of him, had accepted he was going to die, but now he’s disappointing everyone by pulling through. The lucky bastard!

A footballer has died of injuries he sustained after landing awkwardly while celebrating a goal during a state-level league match in India, the organisers of the Mizoram Premier League have announced. Peter Biaksangzuala, a midfielder for Bethlehem Vengthlang, a club based in the north east of the country, damaged his spinal cord after attempting a series of somersaults to celebrate his equaliser in the fixture against Chanmari West last Tuesday. That’ll teach him!

In more bad news for us, a doctor who treated Michael Schumacher for nearly six months after his brain injury in a skiing accident says the F1 champion has made “some progress”. Jean-Francois Payen, a doctor at the French hospital in Grenoble where he was treated, warned that any recovery would take time. The typical convalescence period was one to three years, he suggested. “I have noted some progress but I would say we should give him time,” he said. Asked about the chances of Schumacher making a recovery, he only referred to a time frame for patients with similar brain injuries. “It’s like for other patients, we are on a timescale which goes from one year to three years and we need to be patient.” Bah!

On This Day

• 1775 – King George III of Great Britain goes before Parliament to declare the American colonies in rebellion, and authorized a military response to quell the American Revolution.
• 1861 – The Pony Express officially ceases operations.
• 1881 – The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral takes place at Tombstone, Arizona.
• 1985 – The Australian government returns ownership of Uluru to the local Pitjantjatjara Aborigines.
• 2002 – Moscow theater hostage crisis: Approximately 50 Chechen terrorists and 150 hostages die when Russian Spetsnaz storm a theater building in Moscow, which had been occupied by the terrorists during a musical performance three days before.

Deaths

• 899 – Alfred the Great, English king (b. 849)
• 1764 – William Hogarth, English painter and engraver (b. 1697)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Katy Perry (30), Jeff Goldblum (62), Kim Kardashian (34), Ryan Reynolds (38), Carrie Fisher (58), Catherine Deneuve (71), Weird Al Yankovic (55), Kevin Kline (67), Tom Petty (64), Snoop Dogg (42), Pele (74), Christopher Lloyd (76), John Lithgow (69), Jesse Tyler Ferguson (39), Evander Holyfield (52), Viggo Mortensen (56), Ken Watanabe (54), Ang Lee (60) and Cat Deeley (38).

Next Week peeps!