Dead Pool 26th April 2020

Yay, a viable cure to the virus has been found, just inject 300mm of Domestos up your arse for a cough free poo! Extra points if you leave said white poos in the park for kids to play with, like we all used to back in the 80’s. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

The South Korean government says it is investigating reports that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un is in a “fragile” condition after undergoing an unspecified surgical operation. Officials from the South Korean intelligence services said they were looking into a CNN report that said the North’s leader was “in grave danger”, citing unnamed US intelligence sources. An earlier report by Seoul-based news outlet Daily NK said Mr Kim was staying at a countryside villa outside Pyongyang while he recovered from heart surgery, and that his condition was improving. The South’s Unification Ministry, which handles affairs relating to North Korea, said it could not confirm either report but was investigating the matter. But a government source told the Yonhap news agency that South Korea was yet to see any “unusual signs” coming from the North regarding Mr Kim’s health condition. Speculation about the state of Mr Kim’s health has grown since he was conspicuously absent from events on 15 April commemorating the birth of his grandfather Kim Il-sung, the founder of the nation. The date is a national holiday and one of the most important in the North Korean calendar. Dozens of top officials attended a flamboyant military parade at the Kumsusan Palace of the Sun, Kim Il-sung’s mausoleum, but Mr Kim was nowhere to be seen. His absence from the 15 April events led to speculation at the time that he might be attempting to distance his own rule from the legacy of his grandfather – or perhaps that he had been struck down with coronavirus. North Korea has officially declared zero Covid-19 cases, a claim met with scepticism by experts. It is not the first time Mr Kim’s health has been a matter of speculation. In 2014, he disappeared from the public eye for more than a month – and then was pictured using a cane on his return. South Korea’s spy agency said he had undergone an operation to remove a cyst from his foot.      

Tom Hanks has detailed what it was like being in hospital with coronavirus. The actor and his wife Rita Wilson tested positive for Covid-19 in March. They were in Australia at the time, where Hanks was filming Baz Luhrmann’s biopic on Elvis Presley. Speaking on The National Defense Radio Show, Hanks said he had “bad body aches and was very fatigued”, and he was exhausted after just a 12 minutes of exercise; dunno about you, but I’d be exhausted  under normal conditions… “I was wiped” he said. “Whoever it was, a doctor or nurse, would come into our air pressurised isolation rooms. She said, ‘How are you feeling?’ and I said, ‘I just had the weirdest thing. I just tried to do basic stretches and exercises on the floor and I couldn’t even get halfway through.’ “And she looked at me through her glasses like she was talking to the dumbest human being. And she said, ‘You have COVID-19.’” Discussing the differences between his and Wilson’s symptoms, Hanks added: “Rita went through a tougher time than I did. She had a much higher fever. She had lost her sense of taste and sense of smell. She got absolutely no joy from food for a better part of three weeks.” He said at one point, Wilson “was so nauseous, she had to crawl on the floor from the bed to the facilities”. The couple have recovered and returned back home to Los Angeles. Having been told they are now immune from the virus, Hanks and Wilson have donated their blood as part of a study to see whether their antibodies can help develop a vaccine.  

Peter Kay fans have expressed their concerns for the comedian after his first TV appearance in two years. The beloved  standup was introducing a new version of his charity single “Amarillo” as part of the BBC’s Big Night In on Thursday evening. Kay, who has stayed out of the public eye since the final episode of his sitcom Car Share in 2018, was shown sat in the sunshine wearing glasses and a hat and eating an ice lolly. However, while many heralded the comic’s return to TV screens, they also expressed their concern for his health. “GREAT to see Peter Kay make an appearance on our screens tonight” said one user. “Poor bloke didn’t look or sound well, but still able to maintain his comedic heart licking on a solero! Hope whatever he’s going through he comes through the other end. Truly one of a kind.” “Great to see Peter Kay, although the legend is obviously far from 100 per cent. Whatever he’s battling, I and I’m sure the rest of the country wish him to get well very soon!” added another fan. “Hope Peter Kay gets through whatever he’s going through. The world’s a better place with him in it” said someone else. The 46-year-old cancelled his long-awaited UK and Ireland last year citing “unforeseen circumstances”. Other’s watching Big Night In praised how Kay had not lost touch with normal people, emphasising that some people cannot afford a charity donation. “Peter Kay ‘if you can give something, good, if you can’t then don’t worry, you’ve enough on your minds’” said one fan quoting the standup. “It is very nice to see a celeb who hasn’t lost touch with the ordinary people”.  

The odds of being struck and killed by a meteorite are said to be as low as one in 250,000. There has been no credible and well-documented evidence of any human being befalling this unfortunate fate. But researchers now say they have found three separate official papers describing a fatal encounter with an extra-terrestrial object more than 130 years ago. At around 8.30pm on 22 August, 1888, a fireball was seen in the sky shortly before a shower of meteorite pieces fell “like rain” on a village in Sulaymaniyah, Iraq, then part of the Ottoman Empire. One man died after being struck, while a second was left paralysed, according to the manuscripts stored in Turkish government archives. The event appears to have been confirmed by a report to the sultan, Abdul Hamid II. “Due to the fact that these documents are from official government sources and written by the local authorities… we do not have any suspicion on their reality,” the researchers say in an academic paper describing their findings. They say it is the “first proof of an event ever of an event that a meteorite hit and killed a man”. If accepted as sufficiently verified, it would also become the earliest documented incident of a meteor hitting a person. Previously that notoriety was held by the Sylacauga meteorite, which struck Ann Elizabeth Fowler Hodges as she slept on a sofa in a farmhouse in Alabama, USA, in November 1954. Hodges was bruised by the fragment, which appears to have bounced off a radio set before hitting her leg, but survived. Other less well-documented contenders include a report said to date back to 1677, when a friar was supposedly hit and killed by a sulphurous “stone from the clouds” which lodged in his thigh.

The Newly Infected

Well, who’d have thought it. Barely three weeks into this new section and no new celebrities have admitted to having caught the virus. Does this mean we have reached peak infection around the world? I doubt it…. 

On This Day

  • 1865 – Union cavalry troopers corner and shoot dead John Wilkes Booth, assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, in Virginia.  
  • 1933 – The Gestapo, the official secret police force of Nazi Germany, is established.  
  • 1986 – A nuclear reactor accident occurs at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in the Soviet Union, creating the world’s worst nuclear disaster.  
  • 1989 – The deadliest known tornado strikes Central Bangladesh, killing upwards of 1,300, injuring 12,000, and leaving as many as 80,000 homeless.


  • 1865 – John Wilkes Booth, American actor, assassin of Abraham Lincoln (b. 1838) 
  • 1970 – Gypsy Rose Lee, American actress, striptease dancer, and writer (b. 1911)  
  • 1976 – Sid James, South African-English actor (b. 1913)  
  • 1989 – Lucille Ball, American model, actress, comedian, and producer (b. 1911)  
  • 1999 – Jill Dando, English journalist and television personality (b. 1961)  
  • 2017 – Jonathan Demme, American filmmaker, producer and screenwriter (b. 1944)

Last Meals

Adolf Hitler was a German politician and leader of the Nazi Party. He rose to power as the chancellor of Germany in 1933 and then as Führer in 1934. During his dictatorship from 1933 to 1945, he initiated World War II in Europe by invading Poland on 1st September 1939. He was closely involved in military operations throughout the war and was central to the perpetration of the Holocaust. 

Since we all know the mans history we’ll only cover his last moments. With The War coming to an end with the Allies capturing Berlin, Hitler was holed up in his Führerbunker, still giving out orders to his armies and arrest warrants for the colleagues who had deserted him. After midnight on the night of 28-29th April, Hitler married Eva Braun in a small civil ceremony in the bunker. Later that afternoon, Hitler was informed that Mussolini had been executed.  By April 30th, 1945, he finally realised he had lost the war.  

The German dictator’s last meal was eaten holed up in his bunker, he ate spaghetti with “light sauce” (although some biographers say he had lasagna). Hitler wanted a simple meal without any mention of the fall of Berlin, so the conversation consisted of dog breeding methods and “how lipstick was made from sewer grease.” Shortly after the meal, Hitler and Eva Braun, whom he had married less than 40 hours earlier, went into a private room and took their own lives. Hitler shot himself in the head and Braun bit into a cyanide capsule. Their bodies were carried outside to the garden behind the Reich Chancellery, where they were placed in a bomb crater, doused with petrol, and set on fire as the Red Army shelling continued. 

Records in the Soviet archives obtained after the fall of the Soviet Union state that the remains of Hitler, Braun, Joseph and Magda Goebbels, the six Goebbels children, General Hans Krebs, and Hitler’s dogs were repeatedly buried and exhumed. On 4th April 1970, a Soviet KGB team used detailed burial charts to exhume five wooden boxes at the SMERSH facility in Magdeburg. The remains from the boxes were burned, crushed, and scattered into the Biederitz river, a tributary of the Elbe. The corpses of Braun and Hitler were fully burned when the Red Army found them, and only a lower jaw with dental work could be identified as Hitler’s remains.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Channing Tatum (39), Giancarlo Esposito (61), Pablo Schreiber (41), Jet Li (56), Joan Chen (58), Kevin James (54), Melania Trump (49), Al Pacino (79), Renée Zellweger (50), Hank Azaria (55), Gina Torres (50), Talia Shire (73), William Roache (87), Rory McCann (50), Aidan Gillen (51), Kelly Clarkson (37), Barbra Streisand (77), Djimon Hounsou (55), Shirley MacLaine (85), Dev Patel (29), John Cena (42), John Oliver (42), Gemma Whelan (38), John Hannah (57), Lee Majors (80), Michael Moore (65), Blair Brown (73), Amber Heard (33), Jeffrey Dean Morgan (53), Jack Nicholson (82), Michelle Ryan (35), Sheryl Lee (52), John Waters (73), James McAvoy (41), Toby Stephens (51), Andie MacDowell (62), Tony Danza (69), Iggy Pop (73), Queen Elizabeth II (94), Andy Serkis (56), Jessica Lange (71), Ryan O’Neal (79), Clint Howard (61), Veronica Cartwright (71), Carmen Electra (48), Ruth Connell (41), George Takei (83), Leslie Phillips (96), Nicholas Lyndhurst (59), and Michael Brandon (75).

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