Dead Pool 2nd March 2014
Wonder of wonders! We have a point scorer ladies and gentlemen! Lee correctly predicted the death of Alice Herz-Sommer, but not only this, he listed her as his Woman, thus garnering himself a lovely 140 points, propelling himself unto the giddy heights of first place on the leader board! Well done that man! Also I have to mention Harold Ramis. It’s without doubt that the man was a genius of comedy and it’s not too much to say that a small part of everyones past died with him. Imagine a world without Ghostbusters or Groundhog Day, its not even worth contemplating!
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Alice Herz-Sommer, 110, Czech-British supercentenarian, world’s oldest Holocaust survivor, subject of The Lady in Number 6.
- Mike Parker, 84, British-born American typographer and software executive, helped popularise use of Helvetica.
- Harold Ramis, 69, American writer, director and actor (Groundhog Day, Vacation, Ghostbusters), vasculitis.
- Aaron Allston, 53, American game designer (Dungeons & Dragons) and sci-fi author (X-Wing), heart failure.
In Other News
Nearly two months after Michael Schumacher suffered a serious head injury in a skiing accident, neurologists say the seven-time Formula One champion seems unlikely to make a full recovery. The 45-year-old fell while skiing in France and hit the right side of his head on a rock, cracking his helmet. Doctors operated to remove blood clots from his brain but some were left because they were too deeply embedded. Due to the length of time he’s been in a coma he’s very likely to awaken as a vegetable!
The Oscar-winning actress Dame Judi Dench has spoken of how her failing eyesight has left her unable to read scripts and struggling to watch films. Dench suffers from macular degeneration, an age-related condition that leads to a gradual loss of vision, which her mother also had. But the actress, 79, who has notched up 95 award nominations during her illustrious career, balked at suggestions her career would slow down because of failing health.
If you think you’re having a bad day, think about this poor sperm whale! The whale died when it became stranded on the Kent coast near Seasalter more than a week ago. Its decomposing body was left there for five days until it was removed and loaded on to the back of a lorry to be taken to a landfill site. The huge carcass was covered by a tarpaulin and strapped onto the rear of a flat-bed truck with part of it overhanging the back. But the sight and smell of it travelling along the A2 towards Canterbury on a weekday afternoon left some drivers choking at the wheel. A witness said: 
“There was a Land Rover in front and behind, flashing orange lights and this massive whale with its head and tail chopped off. There was blood and guts dropping off the back and everything. The smell was unbelievable! I’ve worked near an abattoir and that smelled bad, but this was something else.” They should count their lucky stars that the whale didn’t pop open like the one pictured on the left! Apparently it took 50 Taiwanese workers 13 hours to clean up after this whale exploded in 2004 whilst being transported.
But as bad days go, maybe this bloke had a worse one… Poor old Walter Williams, an inhabitant of Mississippi was found literally ‘alive and kicking’ in a body bag at a funeral home after being declared dead. Workers at Porter and Sons Funeral Home were preparing to embalm Walter when he moved. I bet there were a few loose sphincters abound when the poor old sod managed to stir.
On This Day
- 1657 – Great Fire of Meireki: A fire in Edo (now Tokyo), Japan, caused more than 100,000 deaths; it lasted three days.
- 1797 – The Bank of England issues the first one-pound and two-pound banknotes.
- 1882 – Queen Victoria narrowly escapes an assassination attempt by Roderick McLean in Windsor.
- 1933 – The film King Kong opens at New York’s Radio City Music Hall.
- 1949 – Captain James Gallagher lands his B-50 Superfortress Lucky Lady II in Fort Worth, Texas after completing the first non-stop around-the-world airplane flight in 94 hours and one minute.
- 1969 – In Toulouse, France, the first test flight of the Anglo-French Concorde is conducted.
- 1983 – Compact Discs and players are released for the first time in the United States and other markets. They had previously been available only in Japan.
Deaths
- 1791 – John Wesley, English cleric and theologian (b. 1703)
- 1930 – D. H. Lawrence, English author, poet, and playwright (b. 1885)
- 1939 – Howard Carter, English archaeologist (b. 1874)
- 1982 – Philip K. Dick, American author (b. 1928)
- 1999 – Dusty Springfield, English singer (The Lana Sisters and The Springfields) (b. 1939)
Last Week’s Birthdays
Peter Fonda (74), Howard Jones (59), Kelly MacDonald (38), Emily Blunt (31), Dakota Fanning (20), Abe Vigoda (93), Edward James Olmos (67), George Thorogood (64), Billy Zane (48), Tea Leoni (48), Sean Astin (43), Fats Domino (86), Michael Bolton (61), Joanne Woodward (84), Adam Baldwin (52), Mercedes Ruehl (66), John Turturro (57), Harry Belafonte (87), Robert Conrad (79), Roger Daltrey (70), Ron Howard (60), Javier Bardem (45) and Justin Bieber (20).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 23rd February 2014
The weeks fly by don’t they! Here we are again, mulling over celebrity deaths only to find that nobody has scored any points this week. It almost feels like a Star Wars themed week with the deaths of two bit-part actors, but it also highlights that the main cast are getting on and perhaps it’s time to add their names to your prospective lists for next year! It’s hard to believe that Han Solo is 71 and young Luke Skywalker is 62, but Leia, his twin sister is only 57, go figure…
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Cliff Bole, 76, American television director (MacGyver, The Six Million Dollar Man, Star Trek: The Next Generation).
- Jamie Coots, 41, American snake-handling pastor, snakebite.
- Christopher Malcolm, 67, Scottish actor (The Empire Strikes Back, Highlander, The Rocky Horror Show).
- Jimmy Murakami, 80, American animator and film director (When the Wind Blows).
- Nelson Frazier, Jr., 43, American professional wrestler (World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment 1993–2008), heart attack.
- Malcolm Tierney, 75, British actor (Doctor Who, Star Wars, Braveheart).
- Maria Franziska von Trapp, 99, Austrian-born American singer, portrayed in The Sound of Music.
- Dale Gardner, 65, American astronaut (STS-8, STS-51-A), brain aneurysm.
- Valeri Kubasov, 79, Russian cosmonaut (Soyuz 6, Apollo-Soyuz Test Project/Soyuz 19, Soyuz 36).
In Other News
The former French president, Jacques Chirac, who has been in poor health for several years, was taken to hospital on Monday night. An ambulance with an escort of police motorcycles carried the 81-year-old from his home to the American Hospital of Paris in the suburb of Neuilly. He was reportedly suffering from “an acute episode of gout”, which no doubt necessitated a police escort, after all, a sore big toe is of huge national concern. Following a stroke in 2005 he’s also had surgery to remove kidney stones in December.
Rock veteran David Crosby is postponing the remainder of his solo tour after undergoing heart surgery. The Crosby, Stills and Nash star was due to perform in San Francisco and Los Angeles later this month but he has revealed that he underwent a cardiac catheterisation and angiogram on 14th February. Crosby is “expected to have a full recovery. He did not have a heart attack, though it is certain that had he chosen to ignore his doctor’s urgent recommendation, it would have led to one… the left anterior coronary artery was found to be 90% blocked, and two stents have been placed to provide blood flow to his heart muscle.”
The BBC has announced that David Dimbleby is to host his final general election programme next year. It will be the ninth edition fronted by the 75-year-old, who first hosted the results programme in 1979 when Margaret Thatcher became prime minister. Is this an admission by Dimbleby that he’s getting old and ready to retire? Will he also give up on Question Time? Is he about to die?
Three-time golf Major winner, Padraig Harrington, has revealed that he has undergone treatment for skin cancer. Harrington, whose father Patrick died from cancer, underwent surgery for “sun spots” and spoke out in a bid to raise awareness. Let’s keep an eye on his game shall we…
Plans for a lavish $1m celebration of Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe’s 90th birthday have been condemned as the country lurches towards another financial crisis. The costly celebration, criticised as cultism and hero worship, comes at a time of heavy job losses and slowing economic growth. Mugabe, who continues to defy the march of time and constant health speculation, also travelled to Singapore this week for cataract surgery on his left eye. Looks like the old cunt is here to stay.
On This Day
- 532 – Byzantine Emperor Justinian I orders the building of a new Orthodox Christian basilica in Constantinople – the Hagia Sophia.
- 1455 – Traditional date for the publication of the Gutenberg Bible, the first Western book printed with movable type.
- 1739 – Richard Palmer is identified at York Castle, by his former schoolteacher, as the outlaw Dick Turpin.
- 1886 – Charles Martin Hall produced the first samples of man-made aluminum, after several years of intensive work. He was assisted in this project by his older sister Julia Brainerd Hall.
- 1927 – German theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg writes a letter to fellow physicist Wolfgang Pauli, in which he describes his uncertainty principle for the first time.
- 1941 – Plutonium is first produced and isolated by Dr. Glenn T. Seaborg.
- 1947 – The International Organization for Standardization (ISO) is founded.
Deaths
- 1821 – John Keats, English poet (b. 1795)
- 1848 – John Quincy Adams, 6th President of the United States (b. 1767)
- 1931 – Nellie Melba, Australian soprano (b. 1861)
- 1934 – Edward Elgar, English composer (b. 1857)
- 1965 – Stan Laurel, English actor and director (b. 1890)
- 1976 – L. S. Lowry, English painter (b. 1887)
- 1995 – James Herriot, English surgeon and author (b. 1916)
- 2000 – Stanley Matthews, English footballer (b. 1915)
Male, Poor, Lonely & Fat? by KoA
In a blow to my self-confidence, scientists have found that the loneliest are nearly twice as likely to die during their six-year study than the least lonely.
Loneliness can be twice as unhealthy as obesity, according to researchers who found that feelings of isolation can have a devastating impact on people. The scientists tracked more than 2,000 people aged 50 and over and found that the loneliest were nearly twice as likely to die.
Compared with the average person in the study, those who reported being lonely had a 14% greater risk of dying. The figure means that loneliness has around twice the impact on an early death as obesity. Poverty increased the risk of an early death by 19%.
Previous studies have linked loneliness to a range of health problems, from high blood pressure and a weakened immune system to a greater risk of depression, heart attack and strokes.
But it’s not all doom and gloom, The Samaritans say that the male suicide rate in the UK was 3½ times that of women in 2012, the highest ratio between the sexes in more than 30 years. Men between the 40-44 age bracket seem to be the best at killing themselves if you want to know.
There were 4,590 male suicides registered in 2012, compared with 1,391 female, equating to 18.2 per 100,000 men and 5.2 per 100,000 women, according to the Office for National Statistics.
So adding all of those statistics up means that I have a 238% chance of being dead and most likely I died by my own hand. I hate to break it to the ONS, but I’m still here…
Last Week’s Birthdays
LeVar Burton (57), Ice T (56), Hal Holbrook (89), Barry Humphries (80), Brenda Fricker (69), Rene Russo (60), Lou Diamond Phillips (52), Dominic Purcell (44), Denise Richards (43), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (33), George Kennedy (89), Milos Forman (82), Yoko Ono (81), Cybill Shepherd (64), Randy Crawford (62), John Travolta (60), Matt Dillon (50), Dr Dre (49), Molly Ringwald (46), Smokey Robinson (74), Tony Iommi (66), Jeff Daniels (59), Seal (51), Benicio Del Toro (47), Sidney Poitier (87), Brenda Blethyn (68), Anthony Stewart Head (60), Cindy Crawford (48), Rihanna (26), Peter McEnery (74), Tyne Daly (68), Anthony Daniels (68), Alan Rickman (68), Kelsey Grammer (59), William Baldwin (51), Jennifer Love Hewitt (35), Charlotte Church (28), Ellen Page (27), Jonathan Demme (70), Julie Walters (64), Kyle MacLachlan (55), Jeri Ryan (46), Thomas Jane (45), Drew Barrymore (39) and finally, James Blunt (37).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 16th February 2014
Welcome one and all to a special Valentine’s edition of the Dead Pool! Undoubtedly one of the busiest weeks we’ve had in a while, the league table has changed somewhat with three scoring famous faces biting the bullet during the last week. So 68 points go to Jim for guessing Stuart Hall, not the paedo Hall, the other one, and no complaining from the rest of you who had the paedo Hall on your list, I know the difference! Julie totals 65 points for Shirley Temple, astounding that nobody else had her, maybe you all thought she was dead already. Last but not least, Trish scored 59 points for the footballer, Sir Tom Finney. Well done you lot.
Now onto the frivolity…
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Christopher Barry, 88, British television director (Doctor Who).
- Marius, 1, Danish giraffe, shot.
- Gabriel Axel, 95, Danish film director (Babette’s Feast) and actor.
- Shirley Temple, 85, American actress and diplomat, recipient of the Academy Juvenile Award (1935), Ambassador to Ghana (1974–1976) and Czechoslovakia (1989–1992), natural causes.
- Stuart Hall, 82, Jamaican-born British cultural theorist.
- Els Borst, 81, Dutch politician, Deputy Prime Minister (1998–2002), suspected homicide.
- Sid Caesar, 91, American Emmy Award-winning comedian and actor (Your Show of Shows, Grease, It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World).
- Ralph Waite, 85, American actor (The Waltons, Roots, Cliffhanger).
- Ken Jones, 83, British actor (Porridge, The Squirrels), bowel cancer.
- John Henson, 48, American puppeteer (Sweetums), heart attack.
- Sir Tom Finney, 91, English footballer (Preston North End).
In Other News
In a story befitting of our Valentine’s edition, the dead bodies of a woman of 94 and a man of 55 have been found locked in an embrace in the flat they shared in the south-west French city of Bordeaux. Emergency services entered the flat after being alerted by a caretaker, whose suspicions were aroused by the smell on the stairs. They had lived together for five years or more, since the woman took the man in from a life on the streets. When a fall two years ago largely confined her to the flat, he stayed on. Forensics experts believe the man, Didier Delavigne, died first and the woman, Elisabeth Devidas, died shortly afterwards. She was found on Monday afternoon with her arm wrapped around her companion in their bed in the flat, close to Bordeaux railway station. Awwww…
The veteran leftwinger and former Labour cabinet minister Tony Benn was admitted to hospital on Saturday. Benn, 88, who suffered a stroke in 2012, is understood to be seriously ill. A family spokesman said: “Tony was taken to hospital on Saturday evening after feeling unwell. He is currently receiving treatment.” Let’s hope he gets better, we need more men like him in this country otherwise we’ll end up being Cameron’s anal bitches.
Formula 1 legend Michael Schumacher, who is still lying in a semi-coma in a French hospital, has contracted a lung infection. The effects on the fragile state of health of the 45-year-old are unknown, but by the sound of it, they don’t sound promising. With little information being given to media, the hospital has been left to fend off rumours. Last Thursday, it had to deny speculation flaring on social networks that Schumacher had died. Let’s see how this plays out.
Lastly, I suppose we should apologise to the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee Travis and Ken Barlow actor, William Roache. Both have been found innocent of fucking little children and thus are unlikely to die horrible deaths at the hands of fellow inmates. This must give Rolf Harris some comfort in his upcoming trial. I’ll not spark a debate on the justification of publishing their names before they were given a fair trial, but innocent is innocent, even though they will be carrying the stink of the accusation until the end of time. We’ve also heard they are starting a new business together, so if you feel comfortable allowing these two men babysit your kids, please feel free to use their services. www.DLTKB-babysittingservices.com
On This Day
- 1874 – Silver Dollar becomes legal US tender.
- 1923 – Howard Carter unseals the burial chamber of Pharaoh Tutankhamun.
- 1957 – The “Toddlers’ Truce“, a controversial television close down between 6.00 pm and 7.00 pm is abolished in the United Kingdom.
- 1959 – Fidel Castro becomes Premier of Cuba after dictator Fulgencio Batista was overthrown on January 1.
- 1968 – In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service.
- 1978 – The first computer bulletin board system is created (CBBS in Chicago, Illinois).
- 2006 – The last Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH) is decommissioned by the United States Army.
Deaths
- 1924 – John William Kendrick, American railroad executive (b. 1853)
- 1924 – Wilhelm Schmidt, German pioneer of superheated steam for use in locomotives (b. 1858)
- 1992 – Angela Carter, English author and journalist (b. 1940)
- 2001 – Howard W. Koch, American director and producer (b. 1916)
The Dark Origins of Valentine’s Day by KoA
Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate romance and love, unless you observe SAD, Single Awareness Day. But the origins of this festival of kissy-face fealty and cupids are actually dark, bloody and a bit muddled.
Although nobody knows for sure the exact origin, one good place to start is Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them. Usually the wild and crazy Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia from February 13th to 15th by sacrificing a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain. Obviously everyone was drunk and naked and the women lined up to be flogged by the bloody skins as they believed this would make them fertile. The fete included a matchmaking lottery in which young men drew the names of the women from a jar. The lucky pair would then be coupled for the duration of the festival. Sounds bloody amazing doesn’t it, much better than chocolate and roses.
The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day marketing success. Emperor Claudius II executed two men called Valentine, both of February 14th but on different years. Their apparent martyrdom was honoured by the Christians, hence St. Valentine. One of them, a holy priest, defied Claudius by performing banned marriages due to the over attachment of his soldiers to their wives. He was found out and ordered to be put to death. Condemned, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded, as you do, but legend has it he left a letter for the jailers daughter, who became his ‘friend’ and signed it, ‘from your Valentine’.
However, all this bloody goodness was put to an end by the Christians, who put everyones clothes back on and stopped everyone drinking and having amazing drunken orgies. As the years went on, Chaucer and Shakespeare managed to romanticise the day through their works and, lo and behold, by the 19th century the Hallmark company capitalised upon peoples idiocy by mass producing sick-inducing cards for the less imaginative amongst us.
Hands up who wants to return to the Roman version!!
Last Week’s Birthdays
Joe Pesci (71), Mia Farrow (69), Robert Wagner (84), Laura Dern (47), Elizabeth Banks (40), Chloe Grace Moretz (17), Burt Reynolds (78), Sheryl Crow (52), Jennifer Aniston (45), Franco Ziffirelli (91), Michael Ironside (64), Arsenio Hall (58), Josh Brolin (46), Sarah Lancaster (34), Christina Ricci (34), Kim Novak (81), George Segal (80), Peter Tork (72), Stockard Channing (70), Jerry Springer (70), Peter Gabriel (64), Mena Suvari (35), Teller (66), Meg Tilly (54), Jane Seymour (63), Matt Groenig (60) and Ali Campbell (55).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 9th February 2014
I think it goes without saying that this weeks big news is the unexpected death of Philip Seymour Hoffman from what appears to be a heroin overdose, I think the hypodermic needle poking out of his arm may have given that away… A sad loss to his family and the thespian community, plus a bit of an embuggerance for the producers of the current film he was acting in, The Hunger Games: Mokingjay – Part 2, where he still had one major scene to complete. But thanks to todays CGI they will be able to finish the film. Much to everyones horror, the film will be released in 2015.
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Luis Aragonés, 75, Spanish football player and manager
- Philip Seymour Hoffman, 46, American actor (Capote, The Master, Doubt) and producer, winner of Academy Award for Best Actor (2005), suspected heroin overdose.
- Richard Bull, 89, American actor (Little House on the Prairie), natural causes.
- Gloria Leonard, 73, American pornographic actress and magazine publisher (High Society), complications from a stroke.
- Samantha Juste, 69, British television personality (Top of the Pops), stroke.
- Hazel Sampson, 103, American linguist, last native speaker of the Klallam language.
In Other News
Star Trek star Leonard Nimoy aka Spock, has revealed that he is suffering from a potentially fatal lung disease. The revelation comes after the 82-year-old was seen in a wheelchair in New York last month. In a post on Twitter he said: ‘I quit smoking 30 years ago. Not soon enough. I have COPD. Grandpa says, quit now!! LLAP (Long Live and Prosper)’. As you all know, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, which makes it increasingly difficult to breathe is a progressive condition, which does not bode well for Nimoy.
A 102-year-old Frenchman, Robert Marchand, broke his own world record in the over-100s category by riding a bicycle 16.7 miles in one hour. Mr Marchand improved on the record breaking distance he achieved two years ago, by more than 1.5 miles. The cyclist is a retired firefighter and also holds the record for someone over the age of 100 riding 62 miles, which he did in four hours, 17 minutes and 27 seconds in 2012. Fair play to the old codger, I don’t think I could manage a mile in a year! Best keep an eye on him though, prime contender for a heart attack.
The president of the UAE is in a “stable and reassuring” condition after surgery following a stroke late last month. Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan had “passed through a difficult crisis” but has “overcome it”. The 66-year-old ruler of Abu Dhabi suffered the stroke on the 24th January. He’s not made a public appearance since then.
Long-time US television host Jay Leno has taped his final episode of The Tonight Show, and we all know what happens to men when they retire… Leno, 63, appeared emotional as he thanked viewers for their loyalty after his 22 years as host. He was joined by high-profile guests including Billy Crystal, Oprah Winfrey and Garth Brooks, who all looked like they were about to croak themselves. The show is being taken over by the young Jimmy Fallon, not that anybody cares.
On This Day
- 1555 – Bishop of Gloucester John Hooper is burned at the stake.
- 1959 – The R-7 Semyorka, the first intercontinental ballistic missile, becomes operational at Plesetsk, USSR.
- 1964 – The Beatles make their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, performing before a “record-busting” audience of 73 million viewers.
- 1965 – Vietnam War: The first United States combat troops are sent to South Vietnam.
- 1969 – First test flight of the Boeing 747.
Deaths
- 1981 – Bill Haley, American singer-songwriter and guitarist (Bill Haley & His Comets) (b. 1925)
- 1984 – Yuri Andropov, Soviet politician (b. 1914)
- 1999 – Bryan Mosley, English actor (b. 1931)
- 2002 – Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon (b. 1930)
- 2005 – Robert Kearns, American engineer, invented the windscreen wiper (b. 1927)
- 2010 – Walter Frederick Morrison, American toymaker, invented the Frisbee (b. 1920)
Horrible Ways To Die #2 – Ebola by Sophie
Ebola, I’m not gonna lie, scares the bejeesus out of me. It is almost exclusive to central Africa, and is contracted from handling the bodies of primates, and possibly also bat shit, in places of poor sanitation. It can be airborne, but that hasn’t been demonstrated in humans yet.
It is hideously contagious between humans, and infective. It doesn’t tend to spread around much, both because the areas affected are isolated, and because its contagious period coincides with the onset of horrible, awful symptoms. Let me illuminate you…
It starts, relatively innocently, like the flu with added hiccups. But then, the brain gets affected and you become agitated, get violent headaches and sometimes seizures. You may fall into a coma ,if you’re lucky.
But this is nothing compared to what’s going on with your skin. Ebola is a hemorrhagic disease. This means that your blood loses its ability to clot, and everything bleeds. Your nose, your gums, your tongue, your oesophagus and stomach, your eyes, any open wounds, even if they’re pinpricks, even your vagina. The skin develops a spotty rash, with bruises and haematomas (blood filled lumps) all over the place. But you don’t bleed to death, no.
Instead, you develop multiple organ failure, due to tiny blood clots all over your system, and from tissue death. There’s no treatment, although attempts at creating a vaccine are in progress. Survival rates are understandably low (around 30%) but some people make a complete recovery.
Wouldn’t want to try my luck though…
NEXT TIME: Back to the history books with Hung, Drawn and Quartered.
What Kind of Meat is Human? by KoA
If beef is red and chicken is white, what kind of meat do we humans carry about on our bones? Of course you want to know.
If you were to base your answer on taste alone, you might be tempted to conclude that human flesh most closely resembles that of pork. For example, it’s been said that cannibals on the Marquesas Islands of Columbia referred to human meat as “long pig,” on account of its likeness to pork and the infamous German cannibal Armin Meiwes once described human flesh as tasting like pork, only “a little bit more bitter, stronger. It tastes quite good.
But taste isn’t everything. Another way of approaching this question might be to ask what human meat looks like. For instance, is human meat red or white?
New York Times reporter William Buehler Seabrook, in his 1931 book Jungle Ways, describes a hunk of raw human flesh, as closely resembling beef. Arguably more surprising, however, is that Seabrook later roasted the meat and ate it himself, resulting in one of the most detailed culinary descriptions of human flesh ever penned. When cooked, he wrote, the meat turned greyish in a manner not unlike lamb, and while it smelled like cooked beef, the taste, contrary to popular opinion, was not like pork, but “good, fully developed veal, not young, but not yet beef.” It was a similarity he described colourfully and repeatedly:
“It was so nearly like good, fully developed veal that I think no person with a palate of ordinary, normal sensitiveness could distinguish it from veal. It was mild, good meat with no other sharply defined or highly characteristic taste such as for instance, goat, high game, and pork have. The steak was slightly tougher than prime veal, a little stringy, but not too tough or stringy to be agreeably edible. The roast, from which I cut and ate a central slice, was tender, and in colour, texture, smell as well as taste, strengthened my certainty that of all the meats we habitually know, veal is the one meat to which this meat is accurately comparable.”
So, the next time you’re in a plane crash and having to make that decision of noshing down on the tasty looking lass in that 1st class window seat, now you know what to expect.
Last Week’s Birthdays
Shakira (37), Nick Nolte (73), Isla Fisher (38), Ashton Kutcher (36), Christie Brinkley (60), Chris Rock (49), Morgan Fairchild (64), Garth Brooks (52), James Spader (54), Barbara Hershey (66), Axl Rose (52), Rebel Wilson (28), Alice Cooper (66), Bobby Brown (45), Jennifer Jason Leigh (52), Michael Sheen (45), Natalie Imbruglia (39), Seth Green (40), John Grisham (59), Zsa Zsa Gabor (97), Cristiano Ronaldo (29), Charlotte Rampling (68) and Rip Torn (83).
2013 League Table
I’d like to finish with an awesome tweet from the horror writer Stephen King.
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 2nd February 2014
Another quiet week for celebrity deaths which means no points awarded. However, plenty to share in the news section. Animal deaths were mentioned in the emails this week and the stance has always been that animals are not to be listed but only mentioned in the newsletter for jovial purposes. But if all of you agree, we could have a fourth ‘biggie’ to join the Cert, Woman and Maverick for next year. The community shall decide, either email or leave a comment on the website.
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Arthur Doyle, 69, American jazz musician.
- Karl Slym, 51, British business executive, Managing Director of Tata Motors (since 2012), self-defenestration.
- Pete Seeger, 94, American folk singer and songwriter (“Turn! Turn! Turn!“, “If I Had a Hammer“, “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”).
- Tom Sherak, 68, American film producer and studio executive, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (2009–2012), prostate cancer.
- Colonel Meow, 2, American online celebrity cat,[32] holder of the Guinness world record for the longest fur.
- Maximilian Schell, 83, Austrian-Swiss actor (Judgment at Nuremberg), winner of the Academy Award for Best Actor (1961).
In Other News
You have to feel for the two white doves released by children on behalf of the Pope this week. The gesture of peace was soon brought to an end when a crow and a seagull attacked both doves in front of the horrified crowds. Now, I’m not one to laugh at cruelty to animals, but you have to hand it to the satanic avians, if you are going to embarrass the pontiff, be Hitchcockian about it. Nobody is sure what happened to the birds, lets hope they managed to reconcile their religious differences.
In a move that certainly shows that he’s a prize cunt, Ian Watkins, the former Lost Prophets singer, is making moves to apply for an appeal against his conviction for fucking a baby. Obviously he feels his 35 year sentence is too long or perhaps he thinks that sexually abusing a helpless child isn’t such a terrible crime. Lets hope that he gets shanked sooner rather than later.
Formula 1 legend, Michael Schumacher is slowly being revived from his induced month-long coma. In a statement, his manager said “Michael’s sedation is being reduced in order to allow the start of the waking up process which may take long time.” Schumacher has been at a specialist clinic in Grenoble since hitting his head during a skiing accident at the Meribel resort in the French Alps more than a month ago. He was put into an artificial coma after two emergency operations to reduce the swelling caused by severe brain trauma.
Justin Bieber has been in the news quite a few times lately, he’s been arrested for drunk driving, resisting arrest and driving with an expired license. He’s also returned to Toronto to face the music after his attack on a limo driver. It seems that officials in the US have grown tired of his antics as they searched his private jet after it landed in New Jersey, they also towed away his custom-built car for further checks. An online petition to deport Bieber from the US has gained over 100k signatures, alas the White House is powerless to act upon individual cases so nothing will become of it. I wonder if we can get Theresa May to ban him from UK shores, on the basis that he’s a cunt…
You may have noticed that there has been a few plunges from high buildings recently. One such plunge occurred at the HQ of JP Morgan at Canary Wharf, sad as it may be, one can only hope he was a banker. Another jumper was the managing director of Tata Motors. So it looks like the big and powerful are finally feeling the pinch of their actions but taking the cowards way out. I suspect we will be seeing a lot more plunges, maybe you should look at prominent bankers and managing directors for next year.
The worlds oldest known flamingo has died. The bird – who went by the name “Greater,” passed away Friday at Adelaide Zoo. The bird was eighty-three years old. Greater, who managed to live his/her entire life without anyone ever determining his/her sex, arrived at the zoo in 1933. In April of last year, it became clear the bird was struggling with arthritis. After nine months of anti-inflammatory treatment, Greater took a turn for the worst last week. “The difficult decision was made to humanely put the flamingo to sleep this morning,” officials said.
A couple of strange deaths to report this week. A woman on the Montreal Metro was killed when her scarf got caught in an escalator. The unidentified 48-year-old woman was found dead at the bottom of the moving staircase at Fabre station in the north of the Canadian city. Her hair was also apparently caught in the escalator in Thursday morning’s incident.
We also saw the death of Gemma Moss, who was found dead in bed after smoking cannabis to ‘help her get to sleep’. The regular churchgoers blood levels contained a high amount of toxicity from the weed which brought on a cardiac arrest. She was said to be using around £60 worth of cannabis a week! Let that be a warning to you!
On This Day
- 1653 – New Amsterdam (later renamed The City of New York) is incorporated.
- 1848 – California Gold Rush: The first ship with Chinese immigrants arrives in San Francisco.
- 1887 – In Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania the first Groundhog Day is observed.
- 1901 – Funeral of Queen Victoria.
- 1913 – Grand Central Terminal is opened in New York City.
- 1922 – Ulysses by James Joyce is published.
- 1971 – Idi Amin replaces President Milton Obote as leader of Uganda.
- 1990 – Apartheid: F. W. de Klerk announces the unbanning of the African National Congress and promises to release Nelson Mandela.
- 2004 – Swiss tennis player Roger Federer becomes the No. 1 ranked men’s singles player, a position he will hold for a record 237 weeks.
Deaths
- 1461 – Owen Tudor, Welsh soldier (b. 1400)
- 1969 – Boris Karloff, English actor (b. 1887)
- 1970 – Bertrand Russell, English mathematician and philosopher, Nobel Prize laureate (b. 1872)
- 1979 – Sid Vicious, English singer and bass player (Sex Pistols, Vicious White Kids, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and The Flowers of Romance) (b. 1957)
- 1995 – Fred Perry, English tennis player (b. 1909)
- 1995 – Donald Pleasence, English actor (b. 1919)
- 1996 – Gene Kelly, American actor, singer, dancer, and director (b. 1912)
- 2011 – Margaret John, Welsh actress (b. 1926)
Fuck! He’s Not Dead Yet by KoA
Luis Alfredo Garavito Cubillos, aka “La Bestia” (The Beast) is a Colombian rapist and serial killer. In 1999, he admitted to the rape and murder of 147 young boys.The number of his victims, based on the locations of skeletons listed on maps that Garavito drew in prison, could eventually exceed 300. He has been described by local media as “the world’s worst serial killer” because of the high number of victims.
Garavito was born on 25 January 1957 in Génova, Quindío, Colombia. He is the oldest of seven brothers and apparently suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his father, like most of these serial killers are.
Garavito’s victims were poor children, peasant children, or street children, between the ages of 8 and 16. Garavito approached them on the street or countryside and offered them gifts or small amounts of money. After gaining their trust, he took the children for a walk and when they got tired, he would take advantage of them. He then raped them, cut their throats, and usually dismembered their corpses. Most corpses showed signs of torture.
Once captured, Garavito was subject to the maximum penalty available in Colombia, which was 30 years. However, as he confessed the crimes and helped authorities locate bodies, Colombian law allowed him to apply for special benefits, including a reduction of his sentence to 22 years and possibly an even earlier release for further cooperation and good behaviour.
As Garavito served his reduced sentence, many Colombians began to gradually criticise the possibility of his early release, some arguing that he deserved either life in prison or the death penalty, neither of which are applicable in Colombia.
A judicial review of the cases against Garavito in different local jurisdictions found that his sentence could potentially be extended and his release delayed, because he would have to answer for unconfessed crimes separately, however, it does look like he will be free soon enough. Lock up your urchins!
Last Week’s Birthdays
Oprah Winfrey (60), Christian Bale (40), Ellen DeGeneres (56), Justin Timberlake (33), Michael C. Hall (43), Heather Graham (44), Lisa Marie Presley (46), Elijah Wood (33), Minnie Driver (44), John Lydon (58), Vanessa Redgrave (77), Kelly Lynch (55), Gene Hackman (84), Phil Collins (63), Alan Alda (78), Eddie Van Halen (59), James Cromwell (74), Scott Glenn (73), Alan Cumming (49), Ariel Winter (16), Tom Selleck (69), Dick Cheney (73) and Peter Sallis (93).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 26th January 2014
Welcome once again to the Dead Pool Newsletter, alas the list of notable deaths is a vastly shorter one than last weeks. As you can imagine, no points to be awarded so placements on the league table remain the same.
With these quiet weeks it’s even more important for our little community to pull together, so if any of you fancy guest writing an
article, like a few of you already have, feel free to submit a little something.
This week we have a new feature written by Sophie, who will be submitting a suitably morbid rendition every now and then. I hope you enjoy it, I did! 😀
So without further ado…
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Dennis Frederiksen, 62, American rock singer (Angel, Le Roux, Toto), liver cancer.
- Sir Christopher Chataway, 82, British athlete, broadcaster, politician and businessman, MP for Lewisham North (1959–1966) and Chichester (1969–1974), cancer.
- James Jacks, 66, American film producer (The Mummy franchise), heart attack.
In Other News
Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation centre, days after returning from a controversial trip to North Korea. Rodman’s agent, Daniel Prince said Rodman was in “pretty rough shape emotionally”. He had suffered from pressure to be a “super-human political figure” during his visit. I would argue that he brought all of it upon himself by visiting North Korea in the first place. One thing is for sure, he’s fully in the crosshairs of the Dead Pool now!
Ossie Ardiles says he is “fine and doing well” after a car crash left the ex-Tottenham midfielder needing more than 20 stitches in his head. Ardiles, 61, was believed to have been driving on the Falkland Islands with fellow ex-Argentinean midfielder Ricky Villa as a passenger. Reports suggest he swerved to avoid hitting a sheep, which makes sense as it was the Falklands after all…
Moors Murderer Ian Brady has broken two bones in a fall at the Merseyside psychiatric hospital where he is being held. A spokesman for Mersey Care NHS Trust, which runs Ashworth Hospital, said Brady, 76, was admitted to a “general hospital” on Tuesday. Brady has been on hunger strike in recent years, being force-fed daily to keep him alive, which is a very good use of tax payers money in my opinion, let the cunt suffer some more. You may have also heard that his appeal to be moved from the hospital to general prison population has also been refused on the grounds that his a fucking loony! Looks like the justice system is working somewhat.
Argentina’s president, Cristina Fernández, has spoken publicly for the first time in 42 days, ending a long silence that has led to speculation about her health following head surgery. She is known for her constant tweets on various topics but Fernández made her last comments on Twitter on 13th December. The uncharacteristic silence fed speculation in Argentina that she’d died. Some opponents even questioned who was really running the country! Alas, she is still alive.
The press offices of the Queen and the Prince of Wales are expected to merge in what is being described in media reports as the latest step in Prince Charles’ preparations for the day he becomes king. Or what they are really telling us is, Betty is on her way out and Charlie needs to get his arse into gear.
And finally, researchers say that the poorest people in society cannot afford to pay the costs of funerals. Apparently the average cost of dying – including funeral, burial or cremation and state administration – stands at £7,622, having risen by 7.1% in the past year. They estimate that more than 100,000 people will struggle to pay for a funeral this year. Now, personally, if anyone spends seven grand on my funeral, you are going to need your head examined. Bung me in a bin liner and let the bin men take me to landfill, or if you have concerns over that, save some money and use my body as a Guy on November 5th. Shit the bed, you could even process me as Soylent Green, just don’t pay those cunts a penny!
On This Day
- 1788 – The British First Fleet, led by Arthur Phillip, sails into Port Jackson (Sydney Harbour) to establish Sydney, the first permanent European settlement on the continent. Commemorated as Australia Day.
- 1808 – Rum Rebellion, the only successful (albeit short-lived) armed takeover of the government in Australia.
- 1841 – The United Kingdom formally occupies Hong Kong.
- 1905 – The world’s largest diamond ever, the Cullinan weighing 3,106.75 carats (0.621350 kg), is found at the Premier Mine near Pretoria in South Africa.
- 1915 – The Rocky Mountain National Park is established by an act of the U.S. Congress.
- 1998 – Lewinsky scandal: On American television, U.S. President Bill Clinton denies having had “sexual relations” with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.
Deaths
- 1823 – Edward Jenner, English physician (b. 1749)
- 1885 – Edward Davy, English physician and inventor (b. 1806)
- 1891 – Nikolaus Otto, German engineer, invented the Internal combustion engine (b. 1833)
- 1932 – William Wrigley, Jr., American businessman, founded the Wrigley Company (b. 1861)
- 1973 – Edward G. Robinson, American actor (b. 1893)
- 1992 – José Ferrer, Puerto Rican actor (b. 1912)
Horrible Ways To Die #1 – Scurvy – by Sophie
Scurvy, as any fule kno, is a disease caused by lack of Vitamin C. In ye olden times, it was particularly prevalent on ships, where the diet mostly consisted of rum, beer, ‘hard tack’ biscuits (dried out biscuits full of protein-giving weevils – as tasty as they sound) and salted meat. Fresh vegetables and fruit were hard to come by. A wise soul called James Lind worked out it was a dietary deficiency causing the illness, and started getting sailors to consume lemons and limes. Scurvy as a deadly disease was all but eradicated. But what does scurvy actually DO?
First of all, it turns you bloaty, pale and lethargic, but otherwise well. Not too bad… Then your legs stiffen, movement becomes painful and you turn yellow. Your gums swell and bleed, before becoming putrid. Your skin dries out and develops spots, of varying colours. Your legs swell, along with your genitals. Finally, your skin becomes dark and bruised in colour. And this is only the first stage, quickly reversible on administration of some lemon juice.
Second stage scurvy attacks the muscles and tendons of the legs, causing them to contract and, on the slightest movement, to cause you to faint with the pain, and sometimes die of it.
If you’re unlucky enough to progress to the final stage, ulcers and blisters break out and burst all over your body, and you haemorrhage from everywhere. You defecate and vomit blood, your veins spontaneously burst, your nervous system goes into rigor and breathing becomes increasingly difficult. And then, mercifully, you die.
It was not uncommon to lose half the crew to scurvy on a standard, long distance voyage, before the good Dr Lind discovered the cure in around 1750. Who knows how many thousands died, in bloody agony, before that? Now, eat your five a day.
NEXT TIME: Ebola
(Description of scurvy adapted from A Treatise on Scurvy by James Lind, 1753)
Last Week’s Birthdays
Alecia Keys (33), Dolly Parton (68), Rainn Wilson (48), Neil Diamond (73), Mischa Barton (28), Geena Davis (58), Emma Bunton (38), Katey Segal (60), Bill Maher (58), Skeet Ulrich (44), Buzz Aldrin (84), Billy Ocean (64), Placido Domingo (73), Jack Nicklaus (84), John Hurt (74), Piper Laurie (82), DJ Jazzy Jeff (49), Linda Blair (55), Rutger Hauer (70) and Aaron Neville (73).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 19th January 2014
What’s all this Dave, you’ve got points to give out? Yes, Stu correctly guessed that Mae Young would depart for the spectral wrestling ring in the sky at the age of 90, thus garnering himself 60 points. Well done that bloke, only just missing out on the first death of the year.
We’ve also said goodbye to the longest list of notables for a while, there must have been something in the air last week but they’ve been dropping like flies! Poor old Trigger fell foul of the reaper and that litigious bastard, Lord McAlpine also departed us, which now makes Twitter a safer place to cast aspersions. We also lost the last female Munchkin, but I thought that happened last year, so maybe we will find another one soon enough.
Also I’d like to share this little story that Nickie found about John Button, Jenson’s father, one of the true characters left in F1. Jenson was away for a few days and left his luxury home in the care of his father. He came back to find his dad asleep on the sofa. On waking him Jenson asks if he’s borrowed his watches as they weren’t in his bedroom. Or the car, as it wasn’t in the garage. And what happened to the TV that was on the wall? It seemed that John had been on such an epic drinking session that he didn’t notice the house being cleaned out as he slept on the sofa….
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Sam Berns, 17, American high school student, progeria sufferer and documentary subject, progeria.
- Alexandra Bastedo, 67, British actress (The Champions) and animal welfare advocate, cancer.
- John Button, 70, British racing driver, suspected heart attack.
- John Horsley, 93, British actor (The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, The Box of Delights, ’).
- Frank Marth, 91, American actor (The Honeymooners, Hogan’s Heroes, Gunsmoke), heart failure and Alzheimer’s disease.
- Mae Young, 90, American professional wrestler, WWE Hall of Fame inductee (2008).
- John Dobson, 98, American astronomer.
- Roger Lloyd-Pack, 69, English actor (Only Fools and Horses, The Vicar of Dibley), pancreatic cancer.
- Cassandra Lynn, 34, American model, Playmate Miss February 2006, apparent drug overdose.
- Ruth Duccini, 95, American actress (The Wizard of Oz), natural causes.
- Russell Johnson, 89, American actor (Gilligan’s Island), kidney failure.
- Dave Madden, 82, Canadian-born American actor (The Partridge Family, Alice), heart and kidney failure.
- Hiroo Onoda, 91, Japanese Imperial Army WWII intelligence officer, did not surrender until 1974.
- Lord McAlpine of West Green, 71, British businessman, politician and author, Treasurer of the Conservative Party (1975–1990).
- Komla Dumor, 41, Ghanaian journalist and news presenter (BBC World News, Focus on Africa).
In Other News
France’s First Lady, Valerie Trierweiler, has left the Paris hospital where she was admitted a week ago after reports emerged of an affair between President Francois Hollande and an actress. Ms Trierweiler had been admitted to hospital on 10 January, in a reported state of shock at the allegations. Apparently she suffered an anxiety attack according to the French media and needed to be hospitalised for a week. Now I don’t know about you, but finding out a Frenchman is cheating on you is hardly a shock-worthy event. I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to suggest a suicide attempt.
Do I need to mention the ongoing cases of celebrity kiddie-fiddling? At this present time we have William Roache, Rolf Harris and Dave Lee Travis in court trying to defend themselves from allegations of fucking little children. True or not, those of us who have been following the stories as they unfold have certainly seen some devastating testimonies. Time will tell if they survive the mauling that the British Justice System is putting them through. You might need to keep an eye on Freddie Starr too, he’s been re-arrested as well. Dirty bastards!
Michel Roux, the Michelin star rated chef has revealed that he’s been secretly battling bowel cancer since 2008. The 72-year-old Frenchman is revered, alongside his brother, Albert, as one of the godfathers of modern restaurant cuisine in the UK, luckily for him his six year battle has ended with him being given the all clear. However, these things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads again from time to time. Best keep an eye on him.
Everyones favourite ‘musician’, Justin Bieber, is in trouble once again. This time he’s been accused of egging a neighbours house. Bit immature, but nothing you wouldn’t put past the little cunt. He almost injured a 13 year old girl as he was doing it! Almost, as in he didn’t. His big mistake though was to forget to hide the cocaine at his house, obviously he feels that he’s bigger than the Los Angeles Police Department, whom I’m sure enjoyed every second of trashing his shitty little mansion. Let’s hope he goes down for his insolent behaviour and is made into a cock-sucking jail bitch and thus increasing the enjoyment of music for mankind.
Do you remember Hiroo Onoda? I do, he was the idiot who didn’t believe that WWII was over and continued to fight the war for a further 30 years! He was sent with some other units to the underpopulated Philippine island of Lubang in 1944. One year later, the Japanese Army dropped flyers to tell the soldiers that the war was over. Onoda believed that those papers were dropped by Allied planes and lived in the jungle for the next 29 years, the twat! When a backpacker named Norio Suzuki found him in 1974, Onoda refused to believe that WWII had ended in 1945. Suzuki returned to the island with the soldier’s ex-commander to tell him the truth. I bet he felt like a right cunt then. Anyhow, he’s dead now, so who cares…
Lastly, I’d just like to mention former Tory, now a UKIP councillor, David Silvester. He seems to believe that Britain’s recent storms and floods are “divine retribution for the government’s decision to legalise gay marriage”. He even warned David Cameron of this very likely outcome should the bill come to pass. Now, I’m not one to bullshit anyone’s beliefs, but this cunt takes the biscuit. He’s an elected official in our government, yet he still believes that passing a law that he disagrees with has such cosmic ramifications that the Winter weather will change for the worse! People, before you sign your cross in the next election, please make sure you vote for someone who understands there’s no connection between two people who are in love and the weather. Being a bigoted cunt who doesn’t understand the causality of the seasons on this planet should be enough for you not to vote for him anyway.
On This Day
- 1840 – Captain Charles Wilkes circumnavigates Antarctica, claiming what became known as Wilkes Land for the United States.
- 1883 – The first electric lighting system employing overhead wires, built by Thomas Edison, begins service at Roselle, New Jersey.
- 1915 – Georges Claude patents the neon discharge tube for use in advertising.
- 1915 – World War I: German zeppelins bomb the towns of Great Yarmouth and King’s Lynn in the United Kingdom killing more than 20, in the first major aerial bombardment of a civilian target.
- 1935 – Coopers Inc. sells the world’s first briefs.
- 1937 – Howard Hughes sets a new air record by flying from Los Angeles, California to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes, 25 seconds.
- 1953 – 71.7% of all television sets in the United States are tuned into I Love Lucy to watch Lucy give birth.
- 1977 – Snow falls in Miami, Florida. This is the only time in the history of the city that snow has fallen. It also fell in the Bahamas.
- 1978 – The last Volkswagen Beetle made in Germany leaves VW’s plant in Emden. Beetle production in Latin America continues until 2003.
- 1983 – Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie is arrested in Bolivia.
- 1983 – The Apple Lisa, the first commercial personal computer from Apple Inc. to have a graphical user interface and a computer mouse, is announced.
- 1986 – The first IBM PC computer virus is released into the wild. A boot sector virus dubbed (c)Brain, it was created by the Farooq Alvi Brothers in Lahore, Pakistan, reportedly to deter piracy of the software they had written.
- 2012 – The Hong Kong-based file-sharing website Megaupload is shut down by the FBI.
Deaths
- 2000 – Hedy Lamarr, Austrian-American actress and mathematician (b. 1913)
- 2006 – Wilson Pickett, American singer-songwriter (The Falcons) (b. 1941)
- 2008 – John Stewart, American singer-songwriter and guitarist (The Kingston Trio) (b. 1939)
Only in America by KoA
In a story I’d normally sympathise with, a retired Florida policeman has been charged with murder after allegedly shooting a man who texted during a film. Authorities said Curtis Reeves, 71, and Chad Oulson, 43, got into an argument before the screening of the film Lone Survivor when Reeves asked Oulson to stop texting.
“Somebody throws popcorn. I’m not sure who threw the popcorn,” said witness Charles Cummings. “And then bang, he was shot.” Oulson told Reeves he was texting his three-year-old daughter and then they started arguing. Popcorn mind, nobody throws the popcorn!
Cummings, who had blood on his clothes, said the trailers before the film were still showing when the men started raising their voices and popcorn was thrown. The fucking film hadn’t even started yet!
Authorities said Reeves took out a gun, Oulson’s wife put her hand over her husband and Reeves fired his weapon, striking Nichole Oulson in the hand and her husband in the chest.
“I can’t believe people would bring a pistol, a gun, to a movie,” Cummings said. I can, it’s fucking America! “I can’t believe they would argue and fight and shoot one another over popcorn. Over a cellphone.” Again, it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest!
Cummings said Oulson fell on to him and his son. Another man grabbed the gun, and the suspect did not attempt to get away. I’d have liked to see a 71 year old doing a runner though…
Chad Oulson died in hospital. His wife’s injuries were not life-threatening.
Last Week’s Birthdays
Michelle Obama (50), Kevin Costner (59), Kate Moss (40), Betty White (92), Orlando Bloom (37), Zooey Deschanel (34), Faye Dunaway (73), Jason Bateman (45), LL Cool J (46), Howard Stern (60), Rush Limbaugh (63), Melanie Chisholm (40), Dave Grohl (45), Kirstie Alley (63), Muhammad Ali (72), James Earl Jones (83), Kid Rock (43), Susanna Hoffs (55), Jim Carrey (52), Jason Segal (34), Pixie Lott (23), Carl Weathers (66), Skrillex (26) and Sade Adu (55).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 12th January 2014
One week in and I’m already dispensing points! Yes, you may have heard that Ariel Sharon has finally been allowed to die by the Israeli government. Eight years in a coma, many years on peoples lists, I personally had him on my own list last year but gave up as I was convinced that the Israelis were going to keep him alive indefinitely. So, Rebecca and Paul C are up and running already, scoring 65 points each for correctly predicting his death and 50 points each for getting the first death of the season. Well done both of you!
I shouldn’t mention an excited Stu emailing me mid-week saying Mae Young has been reported dead, alas, after looking her up she was very much still alive, albeit no longer on life support. She looked like she was going to be the first death of the year and Stu was in line for a points bonanza, but as this game is a cruel beast, he’s still on a big fat zero and she’s having the last laugh!
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- Eusébio, 71, Portuguese footballer, top goalscorer at the 1966 World Cup, heart failure.
- Larry Speakes, 74, American journalist, de facto White House Press Secretary (1981–1987), Alzheimer’s disease.
- Ariel Sharon, 85, Israeli statesman and general, Minister of Defense (1981–1983), Prime Minister (2001–2006), heart failure.
In Other News
Seems that Germans can’t ski. Firstly we had Michael Schumacher falling off-piste and bouncing on his head, thus putting himself in a coma which is now into its second week. Now we have Angela Merkel keeling over and breaking her pelvis whilst attempting a cross-country ski in Switzerland. Sources report that she’s broken her pelvis on the left, rear part with severe bruising. In other words, she has broken her arse. Being a politician, she won’t be able to do any work now as all they do is sit on their fat arses making each other rich! Perhaps now is a good time to invade Germany… Or maybe not, as we don’t have an Army anymore since the Tories have been cutting away at our heroes. At least she’s still able to give us a Nazi salute, well done Angela.
You may have heard of the big freeze in the US, although it’s a tad on the cold side, it hasn’t really affected any of our celebrities, yet. But in an amazing example of Darwinism in action, several Americans have been admitted into A&E with severe burns after trying out a simple stunt. Yes, throwing boiling water into freezing air to instantly create snow. But the majority of these amazingly intelligent Yanks failed to throw the water away from themselves. Yes, boiling water, even in cold conditions is still hot. Only in America!
Are you still alive? If so, pat yourself on the back as you have survived the deadliest week in the British year! More British people die during the first full week of the year than at any other time. But perhaps surprisingly, it’s not as simple as blaming the cold weather. Britain has a 15% rise in deaths during that week but nobody knows why. I postulate it’s because everyone is trying out their New Years resolutions, going on a diet or trying some ungodly exercise, or even worse, quitting alcohol! You see, exercise and healthy consumption is bad for you, stick to the 40 a day and the two bottles of wine diet, you’ll be fine!
Fidel Castro has made a rare public appearance, his first in nine months. The 87 year old made a surprise visit to the opening of an arts studio on Havana. The old codger managed to walk into the venue with a stick but remained seated throughout the engagement. Sadly he did look rather spry for his age, but be heartened by the fact he couldn’t do a handstand.
On This Day
- 1895 – The National Trust is founded in the United Kingdom.
- 1908 – A long-distance radio message is sent from the Eiffel Tower for the first time.
- 1915 – The Rocky Mountain National Park is formed by an act of U.S. Congress.
- 1915 – The United States House of Representatives rejects a proposal to give women the right to vote.
- 1967 – Dr. James Bedford becomes the first person to be cryonically preserved with intent of future resuscitation.
- 2010 – The 2010 Haiti earthquake occurs killing an estimated 316,000 and destroying the majority of the capital Port-au-Prince.
Deaths
- 1665 – Pierre de Fermat, French mathematician and lawyer (b. 1601)
- 1976 – Agatha Christie, English author (b. 1890)
- 2003 – Maurice Gibb, English singer-songwriter, guitarist, and producer (Bee Gees) (b. 1949)
Thank Fuck He’s Not Alive to Eat Me! by Vic
While randomly googling I’ve come across Lolong, the worlds largest captive crocodile.
Now I know it technically wouldn’t have eaten me in captivity but it was only caught a couple of years ago by some brave (stupid or suicidal) men who wanted it to stop eating fishermen and to help boost their tourism. (Which means it was free to eat who the hell he wanted beforehand!) Weighing in at a tonne and measuring 21ft I’m quite sure anyone strolling through the remote Philippine village wouldn’t have stood much of a chance at getting away if they met him!
Now unfortunately the townspeople of Bunawan didn’t really have a clue how to care for a crocodile and it died in February after eating a nylon cord and having the shits for 3 weeks. You would have thought they would have maybe called a vet at this point but they waited until it was floating upside down before calling one, by then it was too late and it was so long Lolong.
The mayor of the town reportedly hugged the dying creature in his arms as he was so attached to him. (dickhead)
They are now hoping to stuff the crocodile and put him on display to keep the tourism going!
Last Week’s Birthdays
Bradley Cooper (39), Kate Middleton (32), Vinnie Jones (49), Nigella Lawson (45), Robert Duvall (83), Jemaine Clement (40), Rod Stewart (69), R Kelly (47), Pat Benatar (61), Norman Reedus (45), Mary J Blige (43), Nicholas Cage (50), Jimmy Page (70), Marilyn Manson (45), Kenny Loggins (66), David Bowie (67), Joely Richardson (49), Rowan Atkinson (59), Shirley Bassey (77), George Foreman (65), Dianne Keaton (68) and Lewis Hamilton (29).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 5th January 2014
2014 already, a new year and a bunch of new lists to memorise. We have almost doubled in number this year, which does mean I’m now having to remember forty lists which is technically over 500 names, luckily some of them are the same. So due to the unprecedented participation this year, you will have to help me by pointing out if you have an obscure death on your list. I don’t expect you to shout from the rooftops if this years favourite, Prince Philip, finally kicks the bucket, I’m sure I’ll notice him on your lists, just those easily missable ones. Anyhow, without further ado, let’s kick off this year by having a quick look at the demises you should have foretold!
Look Who You Could Have Had:
- James Avery, 68, American actor (The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), complications from surgery.
- John Fortune, 74, British comedian (Bremner, Bird and Fortune) and actor (Match Point), leukaemia.
- Juanita Moore, 99, American actress (Imitation of Life).
- Dorothy Baldwin, 111, British supercentenarian.
- Saul Zaentz, 92, American film producer (One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The English Patient) and music executive, Alzheimer’s disease.
- Alicia Rhett, 98, American actress (Gone with the Wind) and portrait painter, natural causes.
- Phil Everly, 74, American singer and musician (The Everly Brothers), lung disease.
In Other News
If you haven’t heard that Michael Schumacher was in a small skiing mishap last week, then may I suggest you crawl back under your stone. Currently he’s in an induced medical coma to try and relieve the swelling on his brain which will hopefully stop him becoming a cabbage. Let’s be honest here, if there is one man who is capable of surviving this kind of trauma, Schumacher is that man. He has previously endured some epic F1 crashes with barely a scratch, the man is super fit and undoubtedly has millions to help that wonderful private healthcare he’s receiving. Lesser men like myself would have already been cremated after sub-standard treatment by the NHS.
Everyones favourite ‘alleged paedophile’, Rolf Harris, is being charged with a further three counts of fucking children. The 84 year old entertainer is due in court on the 14th of January and is said to be contesting all allegations. At 84, the stress of a public trial could easily push the man towards the reaper. I bet he regrets singing about those two little boys now.
Former First Lady Barbara Bush is currently in hospital with pneumonia. The 88 year old is said to be doing well and is receiving excellent care. The wife of the 41st President and mother of the 43rd has not had it easy health wise. In 2009 she underwent heart surgery for a narrowing of the main heart valve, she also underwent surgery on 2008 for a perforated ulcer. She has more recently been hospitalised after having a mild relapse of Graves disease as well. Just goes to prove that Obamacare does work!
Doctors say that the condition of former Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon has deteriorated. Sharon has been a stalwart of the Dead Pool since 2006 after he suffered a series of strokes and slipped into a coma, where he’s been ever since in a vegetative state. According to reports his kidneys have finally given up on him, I bet he’s over the moon, I know I would be.
Pakistan’s former military ruler Pervez Musharraf is in hospital after his lawyers said he suffered chest pains on his way to court for his treason trial. The 70-year-old was transferred to the Armed Forces Cardiology Hospital in Rawalpindi and is undergoing tests. It’s the third time the former president has failed to appear in court following two previous security scares. He is the first former military ruler to face trial for treason in Pakistan, which has a history of army rule. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to death or life in prison. There’s been no word on his condition.
On This Day
- 1066 – Edward the Confessor dies childless, sparking a succession crisis that will eventually lead to the Norman conquest of England.
- 1757 – Louis XV of France survives an assassination attempt by Robert-François Damiens, the last person to be executed in France by drawing and quartering, the traditional and gruesome form of capital punishment used for regicides.
- 1914 – The Ford Motor Company announces an eight-hour workday and a minimum wage of $5 for a day’s labor.
- 1919 – The German Workers’ Party, which would become the Nazi Party, is founded.
- 1933 – Construction of the Golden Gate Bridge begins in San Francisco Bay.
- 1940 – FM radio is demonstrated to the Federal Communications Commission for the first time.
- 1944 – The Daily Mail becomes the first transoceanic newspaper.
- 1972 – United States President Richard Nixon orders the development of a Space Shuttle program.
Deaths
- 1066 – Edward the Confessor, English king (b. 1004)
- 1922 – Ernest Shackleton, Irish explorer (b. 1874)
- 1933 – Calvin Coolidge, American politician, 30th President of the United States (b. 1872)
- 1941 – Amy Johnson, English aviator (b. 1903)
- 1998 – Sonny Bono, American singer-songwriter, producer, actor, and politician (Sonny & Cher) (b. 1935)
Thank Fuck He’s She’s Dead by KoA
Serial killers tend to be men by an overwhelming margin. In fact, there’s no definitive profile for female serial killers. But if history and evidential testimony are correct, a woman is the most prolific serial killer of all time.
Erzsébet (Elizabeth) Bathory, a Hungarian countess, is believed to have killed as many as 650 people during the 54 years she lived. And exactly how the world’s most prolific serial killer took the lives of her victims has proven grisly fodder for storytellers.
Bram Stoker is believed to have been inspired by the countess: His Count Dracula is supposedly a hybrid of Wallachian prince Vlad Tepes and Bathory.
The woman who came to be known as the “Blood Countess,” was born into Hungarian nobility in 1560. She is said to have suffered from fits and outbursts of rage, possibly even epilepsy.
From an early age, she witnessed her father’s officers torture the peasantry that lived near her family’s estate. Most historical analysis of the countess includes young Elizabeth as a witness to a captured thief being sewn into the stomach of a dying horse and left to perish.
Bathory had a penchant for torturing young girls in particular; historians posit that she was bisexual and gained sexual gratification from torture. The acts she committed ranged from driving needles through her servants’ lips and fingernails, to leaving her victims naked in the snow, dousing them with water and letting them freeze to death. One servant girl was beaten by Bathory and an accomplice for stealing a pear. The clubbing was so bloody that Bathory had to change her shirt. The girl was beaten for hours and finally stabbed to death with a pair of scissors.
Perhaps the most notorious legend about Bathory is that she bathed in her victims’ blood. Inevitably, this led to rumours that the countess was a vampire. The official testimony of the murders, which is still in existence in Hungarian archives, is both questionable and convicting in nature.
Late in 1610, Elizabeth’s cousin conducted a raid on her castle. Inside, there were already dead victims and some imprisoned, supposedly awaiting death. Bathory’s accomplices were arrested and put on trial, she never was. Instead, she was walled into her room, with just enough space for air and food to pass through. She spent the remaining four years of her life there, until she was found dead on the floor in 1614.
Last Week’s Birthdays
Ted Danson (66), Marianne Faithfull (67), Danny McBride (37), Julia Ormond (48), Jude Law (41), Patti Smith (67), Michael Nesmith (71), Tracey Ullman (54), Jon Voight (75), Jay Kay (44), Ellie Goulding (27), Eliza Dushku (33), Tiger Woods (38), Ben Kingsley (70), Anthony Hopkins (75), Val Kilmer (54), Frank Langella (76), Verne Troyer (45), Psy (36), Dabney Coleman (82), Tia Carrere (47), Mel Gibson (58), Cuba Golding Jnr (46), Kate Bosworth (31), Michael Schumacher (45) and Michael Stipe (54).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
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