Dead Pool 2nd February 2014

Another quiet week for celebrity deaths which means no points awarded. However, plenty to share in the news section. Animal deaths were mentioned in the emails this week and the stance has always been that animals are not to be listed but only mentioned in the newsletter for jovial purposes. But if all of you agree, we could have a fourth ‘biggie’ to join the Cert, Woman and Maverick for next year. The community shall decide, either email or leave a comment on the website.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Arthur Doyle, 69, American jazz musician.
• Karl Slym, 51, British business executive, Managing Director of Tata Motors (since 2012), self-defenestration.
• Pete Seeger, 94, American folk singer and songwriter (“Turn! Turn! Turn!“, “If I Had a Hammer“, “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”).
• Tom Sherak, 68, American film producer and studio executive, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (2009–2012), prostate cancer.
• Colonel Meow, 2, American online celebrity cat,[32] holder of the Guinness world record for the longest fur.
• Maximilian Schell, 83, Austrian-Swiss actor (Judgment at Nuremberg), winner of the Academy Award for Best Actor (1961).

In Other News

You have to feel for the two white doves released by children on behalf of the Pope this week. The gesture of peace was soon brought to an end when a crow and a seagull attacked both doves in front of the horrified crowds. Now, I’m not one to laugh at cruelty to animals, but you have to hand it to the satanic avians, if you are going to embarrass the pontiff, be Hitchcockian about it. Nobody is sure what happened to the birds, lets hope they managed to reconcile their religious differences.

In a move that certainly shows that he’s a prize cunt, Ian Watkins, the former Lost Prophets singer, is making moves to apply for an appeal against his conviction for fucking a baby. Obviously he feels his 35 year sentence is too long or perhaps he thinks that sexually abusing a helpless child isn’t such a terrible crime. Lets hope that he gets shanked sooner rather than later.

Formula 1 legend, Michael Schumacher is slowly being revived from his induced month-long coma. In a statement, his manager said “Michael’s sedation is being reduced in order to allow the start of the waking up process which may take long time.” Schumacher has been at a specialist clinic in Grenoble since hitting his head during a skiing accident at the Meribel resort in the French Alps more than a month ago. He was put into an artificial coma after two emergency operations to reduce the swelling caused by severe brain trauma.

Justin Bieber has been in the news quite a few times lately, he’s been arrested for drunk driving, resisting arrest and driving with an expired license. He’s also returned to Toronto to face the music after his attack on a limo driver. It seems that officials in the US have grown tired of his antics as they searched his private jet after it landed in New Jersey, they also towed away his custom-built car for further checks. An online petition to deport Bieber from the US has gained over 100k signatures, alas the White House is powerless to act upon individual cases so nothing will become of it. I wonder if we can get Theresa May to ban him from UK shores, on the basis that he’s a cunt…

You may have noticed that there has been a few plunges from high buildings recently. One such plunge occurred at the HQ of JP Morgan at Canary Wharf, sad as it may be, one can only hope he was a banker. Another jumper was the managing director of Tata Motors. So it looks like the big and powerful are finally feeling the pinch of their actions but taking the cowards way out. I suspect we will be seeing a lot more plunges, maybe you should look at prominent bankers and managing directors for next year.

The worlds oldest known flamingo has died. The bird – who went by the name  “Greater,” passed away Friday at Adelaide Zoo. The bird was eighty-three years old. Greater, who managed to live his/her entire life without anyone ever determining his/her sex, arrived at the zoo in 1933. In April of last year, it became clear the bird was struggling with arthritis. After nine months of anti-inflammatory treatment, Greater took a turn for the worst last week. “The difficult decision was made to humanely put the flamingo to sleep this morning,” officials said.

A couple of strange deaths to report this week. A woman on the Montreal Metro was killed when her scarf got caught in an escalator. The unidentified 48-year-old woman was found dead at the bottom of the moving staircase at Fabre station in the north of the Canadian city. Her hair was also apparently caught in the escalator in Thursday morning’s incident.

We also saw the death of Gemma Moss, who was found dead in bed after smoking cannabis to ‘help her get to sleep’. The regular churchgoers blood levels contained a high amount of toxicity from the weed which brought on a cardiac arrest. She was said to be using around £60 worth of cannabis a week! Let that be a warning to you!

On This Day

• 1653 – New Amsterdam (later renamed The City of New York) is incorporated.
• 1848 – California Gold Rush: The first ship with Chinese immigrants arrives in San Francisco.
• 1887 – In Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania the first Groundhog Day is observed.
• 1901 – Funeral of Queen Victoria.
• 1913 – Grand Central Terminal is opened in New York City.
• 1922 – Ulysses by James Joyce is published.
• 1971 – Idi Amin replaces President Milton Obote as leader of Uganda.
• 1990 – Apartheid: F. W. de Klerk announces the unbanning of the African National Congress and promises to release Nelson Mandela.
• 2004 – Swiss tennis player Roger Federer becomes the No. 1 ranked men’s singles player, a position he will hold for a record 237 weeks.

Deaths

• 1461 – Owen Tudor, Welsh soldier (b. 1400)
• 1969 – Boris Karloff, English actor (b. 1887)
• 1970 – Bertrand Russell, English mathematician and philosopher, Nobel Prize laureate (b. 1872)
• 1979 – Sid Vicious, English singer and bass player (Sex Pistols, Vicious White Kids, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and The Flowers of Romance) (b. 1957)
• 1995 – Fred Perry, English tennis player (b. 1909)
• 1995 – Donald Pleasence, English actor (b. 1919)
• 1996 – Gene Kelly, American actor, singer, dancer, and director (b. 1912)
• 2011 – Margaret John, Welsh actress (b. 1926)

Fuck! He’s Not Dead Yet by KoA

Luis Alfredo Garavito Cubillos, aka “La Bestia” (The Beast) is a Colombian rapist and serial killer. In 1999, he admitted to the rape and murder of 147 young boys.The number of his victims, based on the locations of skeletons listed on maps that Garavito drew in prison, could eventually exceed 300. He has been described by local media as “the world’s worst serial killer” because of the high number of victims.

Garavito was born on 25 January 1957 in Génova, Quindío, Colombia. He is the oldest of seven brothers and apparently suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his father, like most of these serial killers are.

Garavito’s victims were poor children, peasant children, or street children, between the ages of 8 and 16. Garavito approached them on the street or countryside and offered them gifts or small amounts of money. After gaining their trust, he took the children for a walk and when they got tired, he would take advantage of them. He then raped them, cut their throats, and usually dismembered their corpses. Most corpses showed signs of torture.

Once captured, Garavito was subject to the maximum penalty available in Colombia, which was 30 years. However, as he confessed the crimes and helped authorities locate bodies, Colombian law allowed him to apply for special benefits, including a reduction of his sentence to 22 years and possibly an even earlier release for further cooperation and good behaviour.

As Garavito served his reduced sentence, many Colombians began to gradually criticise the possibility of his early release, some arguing that he deserved either life in prison or the death penalty, neither of which are applicable in Colombia.

A judicial review of the cases against Garavito in different local jurisdictions found that his sentence could potentially be extended and his release delayed, because he would have to answer for unconfessed crimes separately, however, it does look like he will be free soon enough. Lock up your urchins!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Oprah Winfrey (60), Christian Bale (40), Ellen DeGeneres (56), Justin Timberlake (33), Michael C. Hall (43), Heather Graham (44), Lisa Marie Presley (46), Elijah Wood (33), Minnie Driver (44), John Lydon (58), Vanessa Redgrave (77), Kelly Lynch (55), Gene Hackman (84), Phil Collins (63), Alan Alda (78), Eddie Van Halen (59), James Cromwell (74), Scott Glenn (73), Alan Cumming (49), Ariel Winter (16), Tom Selleck (69), Dick Cheney (73) and Peter Sallis (93).

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next week peeps!