Dead Pool 26th January 2014

Welcome once again to the Dead Pool Newsletter, alas the list of notable deaths is a vastly shorter one than last weeks. As you can imagine, no points to be awarded so placements on the league table remain the same.

With these quiet weeks it’s even more important for our little community to pull together, so if any of you fancy  guest writing an

article, like a few of you already have, feel free to submit a little something.

This week we have a new feature written by Sophie, who will be submitting a suitably morbid rendition every now and then. I hope you enjoy it, I did! 😀

So without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Dennis Frederiksen, 62, American rock singer (Angel, Le Roux, Toto), liver cancer.
• Sir Christopher Chataway, 82, British athlete, broadcaster, politician and businessman, MP for Lewisham North (1959–1966) and Chichester (1969–1974), cancer.
• James Jacks, 66, American film producer (The Mummy franchise), heart attack.

In Other News

Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation centre, days after returning from a controversial trip to North Korea. Rodman’s agent, Daniel Prince said Rodman was in “pretty rough shape emotionally”. He had suffered from pressure to be a “super-human political figure” during his visit. I would argue that he brought all of it upon himself by visiting North Korea in the first place. One thing is for sure, he’s fully in the crosshairs of the Dead Pool now!

Ossie Ardiles says he is “fine and doing well” after a car crash left the ex-Tottenham midfielder needing more than 20 stitches in his head. Ardiles, 61, was believed to have been driving on the Falkland Islands with fellow ex-Argentinean midfielder Ricky Villa as a passenger. Reports suggest he swerved to avoid hitting a sheep, which makes sense as it was the Falklands after all…

Moors Murderer Ian Brady has broken two bones in a fall at the Merseyside psychiatric hospital where he is being held. A spokesman for Mersey Care NHS Trust, which runs Ashworth Hospital, said Brady, 76, was admitted to a “general hospital” on Tuesday. Brady has been on hunger strike in recent years, being force-fed daily to keep him alive, which is a very good use of tax payers money in my opinion, let the cunt suffer some more. You may have also heard that his appeal to be moved from the hospital to general prison population has also been refused on the grounds that his a fucking loony! Looks like the justice system is working somewhat.

Argentina’s president, Cristina Fernández, has spoken publicly for the first time in 42 days, ending a long silence that has led to speculation about her health following head surgery. She is known for her constant tweets on various topics but Fernández made her last comments on Twitter on 13th December. The uncharacteristic silence fed speculation in Argentina that she’d died. Some opponents even questioned who was really running the country! Alas, she is still alive.

The press offices of the Queen and the Prince of Wales are expected to merge in what is being described in media reports as the latest step in Prince Charles’ preparations for the day he becomes king. Or what they are really telling us is, Betty is on her way out and Charlie needs to get his arse into gear.

And finally, researchers say that the poorest people in society cannot afford to pay the costs of funerals. Apparently the average cost of dying – including funeral, burial or cremation and state administration – stands at £7,622, having risen by 7.1% in the past year. They estimate that more than 100,000 people will struggle to pay for a funeral this year. Now, personally, if anyone spends seven grand on my funeral, you are going to need your head examined. Bung me in a bin liner and let the bin men take me to landfill, or if you have concerns over that, save some money and use my body as a Guy on November 5th. Shit the bed, you could even process me as Soylent Green, just don’t pay those cunts a penny!

On This Day

• 1788 – The British First Fleet, led by Arthur Phillip, sails into Port Jackson (Sydney Harbour) to establish Sydney, the first permanent European settlement on the continent. Commemorated as Australia Day.
• 1808 – Rum Rebellion, the only successful (albeit short-lived) armed takeover of the government in Australia.
• 1841 – The United Kingdom formally occupies Hong Kong.
• 1905 – The world’s largest diamond ever, the Cullinan weighing 3,106.75 carats (0.621350 kg), is found at the Premier Mine near Pretoria in South Africa.
• 1915 – The Rocky Mountain National Park is established by an act of the U.S. Congress.
• 1998 – Lewinsky scandal: On American television, U.S. President Bill Clinton denies having had “sexual relations” with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

Deaths

• 1823 – Edward Jenner, English physician (b. 1749)
• 1885 – Edward Davy, English physician and inventor (b. 1806)
• 1891 – Nikolaus Otto, German engineer, invented the Internal combustion engine (b. 1833)
• 1932 – William Wrigley, Jr., American businessman, founded the Wrigley Company (b. 1861)
• 1973 – Edward G. Robinson, American actor (b. 1893)
• 1992 – José Ferrer, Puerto Rican actor (b. 1912)

Horrible Ways To Die #1 – Scurvy – by Sophie

Scurvy, as any fule kno, is a disease caused by lack of Vitamin C. In ye olden times, it was particularly prevalent on ships, where the diet mostly consisted of rum, beer, ‘hard tack’ biscuits (dried out biscuits full of protein-giving weevils – as tasty as they sound) and salted meat. Fresh vegetables and fruit were hard to come by. A wise soul called James Lind worked out it was a dietary deficiency causing the illness, and started getting sailors to consume lemons and limes. Scurvy as a deadly disease was all but eradicated. But what does scurvy actually DO?

First of all, it turns you bloaty, pale and lethargic, but otherwise well. Not too bad… Then your legs stiffen, movement becomes painful and you turn yellow. Your gums swell and bleed, before becoming putrid. Your skin dries out and develops spots, of varying colours. Your legs swell, along with your genitals. Finally, your skin becomes dark and bruised in colour. And this is only the first stage, quickly reversible on administration of some lemon juice.

Second stage scurvy attacks the muscles and tendons of the legs, causing them to contract and, on the slightest movement, to cause you to faint with the pain, and sometimes die of it.

If you’re unlucky enough to progress to the final stage, ulcers and blisters break out and burst all over your body, and you haemorrhage from everywhere. You defecate and vomit blood, your veins spontaneously burst, your nervous system goes into rigor and breathing becomes increasingly difficult. And then, mercifully, you die.

It was not uncommon to lose half the crew to scurvy on a standard, long distance voyage, before the good Dr Lind discovered the cure in around 1750. Who knows how many thousands died, in bloody agony, before that?  Now, eat your five a day.

NEXT TIME: Ebola

(Description of scurvy adapted from A Treatise on Scurvy by James Lind, 1753)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Alecia Keys (33), Dolly Parton (68), Rainn Wilson (48), Neil Diamond (73), Mischa Barton (28), Geena Davis (58), Emma Bunton (38), Katey Segal (60), Bill Maher (58), Skeet Ulrich (44), Buzz Aldrin (84), Billy Ocean (64), Placido Domingo (73), Jack Nicklaus (84), John Hurt (74), Piper Laurie (82), DJ Jazzy Jeff (49), Linda Blair (55), Rutger Hauer (70) and Aaron Neville (73).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!