Dead Pool 23rd November 2014

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Welcome minions of the moribund, I can this week say that we have a point scorer! Congratulations to Julia for correctly guessing that the Duchess of Alba would depart us this year, 62 points awarded and the joy of not being on a big fat zero, like myself, with only five weeks to go. Lets hope that the cold weather catches a few for the rest of us ‘nil point’ players before this year is out!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Bono has undergone five hours of surgery after breaking his arm in six places and suffering a broken eye socket after falling off his bike in New York. Bono’s injuries are a result of what doctors called a “high-energy bicycle accident” were much more severe than the band let on in an earlier statement. Multiple x-rays showed that Bono had suffered numerous serious injuries, including a “facial fracture involving the orbit of his eye” and three separate fractures of his left shoulder blade. The fracture of the left humerus bone in his upper arm was said to be particularly serious, as it broke in six places and pierced the skin. Bono had just returned to New York after recording Band Aid 30 in London on Saturday, advocating that us poor fuckers pay an extortionate amount for a crap song to save Africans from themselves whilst he’s hiding millions in an offshore account. Karma…

Cher has cancelled the remainder of her Dressed to Kill tour after doctors advised she needed more time to recover from an ongoing viral infection. The singer said she was “devastated”. “Nothing like this has ever happened to me,” she lamented, in a statement. “I sincerely hope that we can come back again next year and finish what we started,” added the 68-year-old star. The second leg of the tour was due to kick off in New York on 11th September, but was postponed after the singer was “felled by an infection that affected her kidney function”. You can’t really complain, I doubt my granny would get up on stage dressed in fishnets to sing ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’…

Craig Charles has became the second person to leave the reality show I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! after reports that his brother had died of a heart attack. After being made aware that his older brother had passed away at the age of 52, the Red Dwarf actor returned to Croc Creek to tell his fellow celebrities that he was heading home to be with his family. As yo know, heart disease runs in families, let’s keep a close eye on the Corrie star!

Jeremy Vine, the Radio 2 presenter, has been stopped by police for speeding on his bike at more than three times the limit. The reckless radio personality was caught cycling at 16mph through Hyde Park while on his way to work by an officer with a hand-held radar gun. Vine came to a halt in the cycle lane as the Metropolitan Police officer held up his hand and showed him the speed reading. He said he did not realise the limit was 5mph and apologised. With such death defying traits, he could end up like Bono, so we really should be listing him next year, or perhaps the Police should actually do some proper policing for a change.

American mass murderer Charles Manson, 80, has been granted a licence to marry a 26-year-old woman who has been visiting him in prison. The bride-to-be, Afton Elaine Burton, says she loves Manson. As a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits, so she will be spared the killers dusty sperms and the chance to get murdered herself. Luckily for his wife to be, Manson is not eligible to apply for parole again until 2027, hopefully by then the cunt will be dead and she’ll have moved on to a less media chasing life and a normal relationship.

Formula 1 driver Jules Bianchi is no longer in an artificial coma and is breathing unaided, his parents have said in a statement. However, his condition is still “critical” and he remains unconscious. They said they were “relieved” to confirm their son had been transferred to Le Centre Hospitalier Universitaire de Nice. Bianchi suffered a diffuse axonal injury when he crashed into a tractor at Suzuka that was recovering Adrian Sutil’s Sauber.

And finally, still on the F1 vein, it has been confirmed that Michael Schumacher is paralysed and has memory and speech problems from the brain injuries he sustained in a skiing accident, according to Philippe Streiff, a friend and ex-Formula One driver who was himself left in a wheelchair by a crash. Streiff, who was paralysed by a crash in 1989, said: “He is getting better but everything is relative. It’s very difficult. He can’t speak. Like me he is in a wheelchair, paralysed. He has memory problems and speech problems.” A spokeswoman for Schumacher said Streiff’s comments were “his opinions”.

On This Day

Deaths

Last Week’s Birthdays

Scarlett Johansson (29), Danny Devito (70), Jodi Foster (52), Mark Ruffalo (47), Rachel McAdams (36), Owen Wilson (46), Goldie Hawn (69), Carly Rae Jepsen (29), Meg Ryan (63), Joe Biden (72), Maggie Gyllenhaal (37), Martin Scorsese (72), Bo Derek (58), Jamie Lee Curtis (56), Larry King (81), Lorne Michaels (70), Delroy Lindo (62), Sean Young (55), Billie Jean King (71), Missi Pyle (42), Martha Plimpton (44), Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (56), RuPaul (54) and Linda Evans (72).

2014 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

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