Welcome to the only place football isn’t mentioned… Doh! Let’s award some points!!! Paul C. had Giuseppina Projetto as his Cert, so 134 points bestowed upon him and he now takes the top spot on the league table. Well done that man!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• •Peter Firmin, 89, British television producer (Bagpuss, Noggin the Nog, Clangers).
• •Dame Gillian Lynne, 92, British dancer and choreographer (The Phantom of the Opera, Cats, The Muppet Show).
• •Alan Longmuir, 70, Scottish bass guitarist (Bay City Rollers).
• •Richard Swift, 41, American singer-songwriter, producer and musician (The Shins, The Black Keys, Starflyer 59).  
• •Giuseppina Projetto, 116, Italian supercentenarian, oldest person in Europe, world’s second oldest living person.  
• •Steve Ditko, 90, American comic book writer and artist (Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, Blue Beetle), heart attack.

In Other News

Elvis Costello has cancelled his tour as he reveals surgery to beat cancer. He has scrapped the remaining six dates of the European tour on doctor’s orders, explaining he had an operation to remove a ‘very aggressive cancerous malignancy’. Elvis, 63, apologised to his fans and said he initially thought his treatment would be completed in time for him to finish his tour, but that proved to not be the case. “Six weeks ago my specialist called me and said, ‘You should start playing the Lotto,'” he said in a statement, explaining surgeons, “had rarely, if ever, seen such a small but very aggressive cancerous malignancy that could be defeated by a single surgery.” “I was elated and relieved that our European summer tour could go ahead,” he continued. “Post-surgical guidelines for such surgery, recommend three weeks to four weeks recovery depending on whether you are returning to a desk job or an occupation that involves physical work or travel.” However, after hitting the road he soon realised his health needed to be his absolute focus. But he vowed to return to the stage as soon as possible, and teased new music for later in the year. 

Three people have been charged with kidnapping a ‘star’ of the Halloween film series, along with another actor – holding the latter for ransom. They are accused of kidnapping the well known actor Joseph Capone and Daisy McCrackin – a ‘star’ of 2002’s Halloween: Resurrection – from the actress’ Los Angeles home. According to information released by the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office, the drama began on 3rd May 2017. The pair were alleged to have been taken to the kidnappers house with black hoods over their heads. Capone was stripped naked and tied up in a bathtub and beaten with a gun, (superfluous expenditure of energy, much easier to shoot him in the leg or something) while McCrackin was driven to several banks, in her own car no less, and told to provide at least $10,000 for the release of her fellow actor. McCrackin was able to escape and alert police after being driven back to her home. McCrackin played a character called Donna in Halloween: Resurrection. Her character died after being impaled on a spike by the murderous Michael Myers. The 36-year-old also appeared in some other films you haven’t seen or heard of.  

Danny O’Connor has pulled out of his first world title fight after collapsing attempting to make the 10-stone weight limit. O’Connor, 33, was due to fight fellow American Jose Ramirez for the WBC light-welterweight belt on Saturday. The WBC confirmed he was taken to hospital suffering “dehydration symptoms”, while his promoter said he thought his kidneys had “shut down”. O’Connor said he “let the idea of being a world champion cloud my judgement”. Promoter Joe DeGuardia of Star Boxing said his fighter, who has won 30 of his 33 professional bouts – 11 by knockout – “collapsed leaving the sauna” while attempting to cut a “perfectly normal” two pounds. O’Connor posted an image of himself in hospital on social media, saying: “Heartbreaking to be rushed to the hospital and deemed medically unfit to fight. “He was rushed to the hospital and admitted suspecting his kidneys may have shut down,” DeGuardia added in another social media post. “It pains us to show these photos of Danny but his team and wife agreed that it was important to show the harsh realities of this sport and how hard fighters work to make weight and to what lengths they push themselves.” 

A tale of warning to some of you… A 92-year-old US  woman shot and killed her son, 72, in order to avoid being sent into a care home, police say. Anna Mae Blessing, who is charged with murder, contemplated her son’s intentions to put her into care for days, according to court documents. “You took my life, so I’m taking yours,” she reportedly said as she was escorted out of the Arizona home she shared with her son and his girlfriend. Mrs Blessing told police she had intended to kill herself, too. Mrs Blessing’s son, whose name has not been released, wanted her to leave for an assisted living facility because she “had become difficult to live with”. The mother concealed two firearms in her robe pockets before confronting her son in his bedroom. During the ensuing argument, she pulled out one revolver, purchased in the 1970s, and fired at her son. Mrs Blessing then pointed the gun at her son’s 57-year-old girlfriend, who managed to wrestle it away and throw it into a corner of the room. She pulled out a second pistol, which she told police her late husband had given to her in the 1970s. The girlfriend managed to knock this one out of Mrs Blessing’s hands, too, before escaping and calling the sheriff’s office. Police found the son dead, with two bullet wounds to his neck and jaw. They found Mrs Blessing in a reclining chair in her bedroom. She later told them she deserved to be “put to sleep” for her actions. She is charged with first-degree murder, aggravated assault and kidnapping, and her bail was set at $500,000. Ironically, she’ll most likely end up in a nursing home.  

On This Day

• 1889 – The first issue of The Wall Street Journal is published. 
• 1947 – Reports are broadcast that a UFO crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico in what became known as the Roswell UFO incident.  
• 2011 – Space Shuttle Atlantis is launched in the final mission of the U.S. Space Shuttle program.

Deaths

• 1822 – Percy Bysshe Shelley, English poet and playwright (b. 1792)  
• 1994 – Kim Il-sung, North Korean despot, President of North Korea (b. 1912)   
• 2011 – Betty Ford, First Lady of the United States (b. 1918)  
• 2012 – Ernest Borgnine, American actor (b. 1917)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Shelley Duvall (69), Jack Whitehall (30), Ringo Starr (78), Sylvester Stallone (72), Eva Green (38), Kevin Hart (39), Geoffrey Rush (67), Jennifer Saunders (60), 50 Cent (43), Ned Beatty 981), Burt Ward (73), Edie Falco (55), RZA (49), Huey Lewis (68), Gina Lollobrigida (91), Neil Morrissey (56), Ronni Ancona (50), Tom Cruise (56), Kurtwood Smith (75), Yeardley Smith (54), Margot Robbie (28), Lindsay Lohan (32), Larry David (71), Saul Rubinek (70), Jerry Hall (62), Peter Kay (45), Pamela Anderson (51), Liv Tyler (41), Dan Aykroyd (66), Olivia de Havilland (102), Geneviève Bujold (76), Debbie Harry (73) and David Prowse (83).

Lets begin by dispensing some points to Debbie & Mark, 61 points each for Joe Jackson. This doesn’t upset the league table much, but points is points! In days past, today seems to be a very popular day for celebrities to die, so keep your eyes on the news! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Richard Benjamin Harrison, 77, American pawnbroker and reality television personality (Pawn Stars), Parkinson’s disease.   
• Harlan Ellison, 84, American writer (A Boy and His Dog; I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream) and screenwriter (“The City on the Edge of Forever”).   
• Joe Jackson, 89, American band manager (The Jackson 5), patriarch of the Jackson family, pancreatic cancer.  
• Matt Cappotelli, 38, American professional wrestler (WWE), brain cancer.  
• Goran Bunjevčević, 45, Serbian footballer, stroke.  
• Helen Griffin, 59, British actress (Twin Town, Doctor Who).

In Other News

Linehan proudly showing us the cage he intends to keep his cancerous bollock in

Father Ted co-creator Graham Linehan has been given the all-clear following his testicular cancer diagnosis. He told Twitter followers he had seen his oncologist on Thursday and was told “everything’s clear”. The previous day, he had revealed his diagnosis to his Twitter followers.  Linehan added they “got rid of it all pretty quickly, along with a ball” and he would undergo a course of chemo. However, he has now been told that is not necessary. “No chemo! Can’t believe it! NO CHEMO!” he wrote. “Have been organising my life around the idea that next three months were just gone!” The Irishman has thanked his fans for their messages of support. “Thanks to everyone who sent kind words,” he wrote. “I’m annoyed now that I worried you all unnecessarily. AND I cancelled my Australian events. Dohhhhh. Still though. CANCER FREE I BE!” Irish comedian Dara O Briain was among those to offer support, joking that Linehan would be “sleeker through water” as a result of his surgery. “You seem to be taking this all in your stride, which is all the more impressive, given how tricky striding must be,” joked the actor Rufus Hound. I suppose there is a chance of recurrence on his other ball…  

However, Bucks Fizz star Jay Aston may not be so lucky as she has revealed that she has mouth cancer and fears it could stop her talking and singing. The singer is due to have part of her tongue removed but is concerned she may need more extensive surgery if more cancer is found. “I think if they take more of my tongue away the chances of me singing, even talking, will be very slim,” she told us at Dead Pool Towers. The 57-year-old found out she had cancer just under two weeks ago. “After they told me, I got on the train and bawled my eyes out. Everyone was looking at me. I called my husband, and then Cheryl. The thought of rejoining the band is now keeping me going. Being on stage with them is my happy place. Whatever you go through, it doesn’t matter when you are on stage.” Jay has been doing gigs across the UK with original bandmates Cheryl and Mike Nolan. She said she had mimed on stage at a show last week after a meeting with her surgeon. “I went home, got changed and went to the gig,” she said. “That’s showbusiness. The thing that’s stood me in good stead is that in the 1980s you mimed for TV. Cheryl has been singing with me where I do solo stuff to give it some welly.” On the possibility of no longer being able to perform, Jay adds: “Cheryl and Mike aren’t getting a replacement, they say they will carry on as two. I would want them to carry on without me.” Jay will have skin removed from her thigh to reconstruct her tongue and she’s hopeful she won’t need more surgery.  

Newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky has been seriously hurt when the family’s boat went up in flames off Corfu. Ms Kaplinsky’s daughter, Angelica, was so badly injured that she was flown back to Britain for emergency treatment. Another family member, thought to be the girl’s grandfather, was less seriously hurt. The family were rescued by local fishermen, who helped put out a fire that had spread from the engine room spread to the rest of the boat. He also towed them ashore. The former BBC and ITN newsreader, who was the first winner of Strictly Come Dancing in 2004, owns a holiday home on the Greek island with her husband, Justin Bower. “The girl suffered serious burns. Ms Kaplinsky and a man, thought to be the girl’s grandad, suffered lighter wounds,” a source at the port told us. “At first the girl was rushed to hospital in Corfu town with burns to her face and hands.  

Nielsen with her new baby

Danish actress Brigitte Nielsen has given birth to her fifth child and first daughter at the age of 54. She and her Italian husband, Mattia Dessi, 39, said they were overjoyed by the birth of baby Frida in Los Angeles on Friday. The midwife managed to retrieve Nielsen’s battered uterus from the baby’s teeth and reinstalled it for future pummelling. Her husband is said to be thrilled that her prolapsed rectum will now be capable of cushioning his balls when they make love as previously her arsehole looked and felt like Sylvester Stallone’s chin. In recent years, she has appeared in various reality television shows. She came third on the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother in 2005, after Bez from the band Happy Mondays and Blazin’ Squad rapper Kenzie. In 2008 she took part in Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew, which saw her and other celebrities deal with recovery from drug and alcohol addictions. Let’s hope that baby Frida will appreciate her relapsed 70-yo mother taking her to the prom in 2034.

On This Day

• 1908 – SOS is adopted as the international distress signal.  
• 1916 – World War I: First day on the Somme: On the first day of the Battle of the Somme 19,000 soldiers of the British Army are killed and 40,000 wounded.  
• 1972 – The first Gay pride march in England takes place.  
• 1979 – Sony introduces the Walkman.   
• 2007 – Smoking in England is banned in all public indoor spaces.

Deaths

• 1860 – Charles Goodyear, American chemist and engineer (b. 1800)  
• 1925 – Erik Satie, French pianist and composer (b. 1866)   
• 1974 – Juan Perón, Argentinian general and politician, President of Argentina (b. 1895)  
• 1991 – Michael Landon, American actor, director, and producer (b. 1936)  
• 1997 – Robert Mitchum, American actor (b. 1917)  
• 2000 – Walter Matthau, American actor (b. 1920)  
• 2004 – Marlon Brando, American actor and director (b. 1924)  
• 2005 – Luther Vandross, American singer-songwriter and producer (Change) (b. 1951)  
• 2009 – Mollie Sugden, English actress (b. 1922)  
• 2015 – Val Doonican, Irish singer and television host (b. 1927)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Vincent D’Onofrio (59), Mike Tyson (52), Cheryl Cole née Tweedy whatever the fuck her name is (35), Katherine Ryan (35), Gary Busey (74), Maria Conchita Alonso (61), Amanda Donohoe (56), Katherine Jenkins (38), John Cusack (52), Mel Brooks (92), Felicia Day (39), Kathy Bates (70), Alice Krige (64), Elon Musk (47), Tobey Maguire (43), J.J. Abrams (52), Meera Syal (57), Ariana Grande (25), Ricky Gervais (57), Michael McShane (63), Carly Simon (73), Peter Weller (71), Iain Glen (57), Nancy Allen (68) and Mick Fleetwood (71).

In a week where the cast of Game of Thrones managed to hold a wedding where nobody died, we’ve seen rappers we have never heard of gunned down, which makes me sad as I thought of putting one on my list, but what do I know? I know nothing!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• XXXTentacion, 20, American rapper (“Look at Me”, “Jocelyn Flores”, “Sad!”), shot.  
• Jimmy Wopo, 21, American rapper, shot.  
• Big Van Vader, 63, American professional wrestler (NJPW, WWF, WCW) and football player (Los Angeles Rams), heart failure.  
• Princess Elisabeth of Denmark, 83, Danish princess.  
• Koko, 46, American-bred Western lowland gorilla.  
• Sophie Gradon, 32, British reality television participant (Love Island) and beauty pageant winner (Miss Great Britain, 2009).  
• Vinnie Paul, 54, American drummer (Pantera, Damageplan, Hellyeah).

In Other News

The Monkees’ Michael Nesmith was hospitalised in Pennsylvania on Thursday after falling on the ground as the band conducted a soundcheck at the Keswick Theatre in Glenside, Pennsylvania, where they were due to perform later that evening. The 75-year-old guitarist was still conscious as he was rushed to a local medical facility. A rep for Nesmith told us that he was subsequently discharged from the hospital, though the cause of the incident has not been announced yet. Nesmith was slated to take the stage on The Monkees Present The Mike & Micky Show Tour Thursday with longtime bandmate Micky Dolenz. The venue released a statement on its website, saying: ‘Due to illness, tonight’s show with The Monkees at the Keswick is postponed. We will be rescheduling a new date as soon as possible.  

Joe Jackson, father of Michael and Janet, and architect of The Jackson 5, is in the final stages of terminal cancer, a source close to the situation confirmed to Dead Pool Towers. Family members, including his wife Katherine, are said to have visited him in the hospital this week. Jackson, 89, has suffered from a variety of ailments in recent years, including dementia, strokes, and at least one heart attack, according to reports. The famously headstrong Jackson, father of 11 children, drove his performing family hard and at times subjected them to physical and mental abuse. The Daily Hate claims that Jackson’s “handlers” had barred certain family members from visiting him, which son and former Jackson 5 member Jermaine spoke about to the paper. “No one knew what was going on — we shouldn’t have to beg, plead, and argue to see our own father, especially at a time like this,” he reportedly said. “We have been hurting. We were not being told where he was and couldn’t get the full picture. Even from the doctor. My mother was worried sick.” “He’s very, very frail, he doesn’t have long,” he continued. “The family needs to be by his bedside — that’s our only intention in his final days.” Personally I thought they’d all like to sing RIP to the tune of ABC… 

David Dimbleby is to leave Question Time after 25 years on the BBC’s flagship political programme. The presenter, who will leave the show at the end of the year, said it was “the right moment” to go. The 79-year-old, who has chaired the show since 1994, insisted he was “not giving up broadcasting” but planned “to return to my first love: reporting”. Dimbleby, who began his broadcasting career more than 57 years ago, is the longest-serving presenter of Question Time. In addition, he has been the BBC’s main presenter for all general elections since 1979, as well as the chief commentator for many state occasions including the funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales, in 1997. Dimbleby’s final broadcast on Question Time will be on 13th December 2018 – but there is no word yet on who will replace him or whether he’ll die of boredom soon after.

A grieving son has been crushed to death after his own mother’s coffin fell from a traditional funeral tower in Indonesia. The moment Samen  Kondorura, 40, died was caught on mobile phone video footage of the ceremony. It shows pallbearers losing their footing while carrying the casket up a bamboo ladder in the country’s North Toraja region on the country’s South Sulawesi island. The coffin falls several metres, trapping people underneath. Mr Kondorura suffered severe head injuries. He died on his way to hospital. The body of Mr Kondorura is now resting alongside that of his mother Berta.

On This Day

• 1374 – A sudden outbreak of St. John’s Dance causes people in the streets of Aachen, Germany, to experience hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. 
• 1916 – Mary Pickford becomes the first female film star to sign a million-dollar contract.  
• 2002 – The Igandu train disaster in Tanzania kills 281, the worst train accident in African history.  
• 2004 – In New York, capital punishment is declared unconstitutional.  
• 2012 – Lonesome George, the last known individual of Chelonoidis nigra abingdonii, a subspecies of the Galápagos tortoise, dies.

Deaths

• 1908 – Grover Cleveland, American lawyer and politician, 22nd and 24th President of the United States (b. 1837)  
• 1968 – Tony Hancock, English actor, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1924)  
• 2014 – Eli Wallach, American actor (b. 1915)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Selma Blair (46), Melissa Rauch (38), Frances McDormand (61), Joss Whedon (54), Bryan Brown (71), Lindsay Wagner (69), Meryl Streep (69), Kris Kristofferson (82), Bruce Campbell (60), Cyndi Lauper (65), Stephen Chow (56), Tim Russ (62), Nicholas Lea (56), Prunella Scales (86), Chris Pratt (39), Lana Wachowski (53), Juliette Lewis (45), Prince William (36), Lana Del Rey (33), Nicole Kidman (51), John Goodman (66), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (29), Robert Rodriguez (50), Olympia Dukakis (87), Danny Aiello (85), Miles O’Keeffe (64), Lionel Richie (69), Brian Wilson (76), Zoe Saldana (40), Aidan Turner (35), Kathleen Turner (64), Richard Madden (32), Isabella Rossellini (66), Paul McCartney (76), Jodie Whittaker (36), Ken Loach (82) and Barry Manilow (75).

I was going to lead todays issue with ‘Dirty Den Fighting For His Life’, alas he decided to die prematurely and spoil everything!! However, plenty more stories to read, but a slight lack of famous deaths this week. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Jackson Odell, 20, American actor (The Goldbergs, Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer, iCarly).  
• Matt Murphy, 88, American guitarist (The Blues Brothers).
• Leslie Grantham, 71, English actor (EastEnders, Fort Boyard, The Paradise Club).

 In Other News

A temporary restraining order has been issued in Los Angeles against the carer of Marvel Comics magnate Stan Lee, following allegations of elder abuse. Keya Morgan, who has been the 95-year-old’s manager for several months, has taken advantage of Mr Lee’s vulnerability, his former lawyer Tom Lallas says. New York memorabilia dealer Mr Morgan, 41, “inserted himself into Mr Lee’s life” after his British-born wife of 69 years, Joan, died in 2017, Mr Lallas wrote in the petition for the restraining order. Mr Lallas has alleged in court documents that Mr Morgan controlled access to Mr Lee, including by hiring security guards, and moved him from his family home. “Mr Morgan is unduly influencing Mr Lee and isolating him,” Mr Lallas wrote. Mr Morgan was arrested on Monday on suspicion of making a false call to the police, reporting that a burglary was taking place at Mr Lee’s home. Police say the call was made as two detectives and a social worker were conducting a welfare check on Mr Lee. According to a transcript of the 30 May call filed with the restraining order, Mr Morgan said that “three unidentified people have gone inside this house and locked the door and locked his security out and I’m very, very scared that they’re harming him”.  

Former New Zealand fast bowler Sir Richard Hadlee has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. A statement released by New Zealand Cricket on behalf of Hadlee’s wife Lady Dianne said the 66-year-old has had surgery to remove a tumour. “As a safeguard, further treatment in the form of chemotherapy will commence shortly and last for a few months,” the statement added. “It is expected that, in time, he will have a full recovery.” If any of you give a shit, Hadlee is regarded as one of New Zealand’s finest cricketers having taken 431 wickets in 86 Tests…. Yawn….    

Vince Vaughn has been arrested on suspicion of drink-driving, police in the US have confirmed. The Hollywood star was stopped at a police checkpoint outside of Los Angeles in the early hours of Sunday morning. Vaughn and his passenger were also charged for public intoxication and resisting, delaying or obstructing officers. Both men were taken to the Manhattan Beach jail, and later released. Sgt Tim Zins, a spokesman for the Manhattan Beach Police Department, said the charges for resisting arrest were not to do with Vaughn “fighting police officers, but more of delaying the investigation”. The arrest occurred around 01:00 PST (09:00 BST) on Sunday and is Vaughn’s first drink-driving arrest. The actor, best known for films including Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers, was previously arrested in 2001 following a bar brawl which saw fellow actor Steve Buscemi stabbed in the face, throat, and arm when he intervened in a fight between Vaughn, screenwriter Scott Rosenberg, and another man. Vaughn was arrested for assault following the incident, but the charges were later dropped.

On This Day

• 1631 – Mumtaz Mahal dies during childbirth. Her husband, Mughal emperor Shah Jahan I, will spend the next 17 years building her mausoleum, the Taj Mahal.  
• 1939 – Last public guillotining in France: Eugen Weidmann, a convicted murderer, is guillotined in Versailles outside the Saint-Pierre prison.  
• 1994 – Following a televised low-speed highway chase, O. J. Simpson is arrested for the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman.

Deaths

• 2008 – Cyd Charisse, American actress and dancer (b. 1922)  
• 2012 – Rodney King, American victim of police brutality (b. 1965)  
• 2014 – Patsy Byrne, English actress (b. 1933)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Arnold Vosloo (56), James Bolam (83), Courteney Cox (54), Helen Hunt (55), Neil Patrick Harris (45), Ice Cube (49), Jim Belushi (64), Yasmine Bleeth (50), Donald Trump (72), Boy George (57), Steffi Graf  (49), Chris Evans (37), Stellan Skarsgård (67), Ally Sheedy (56), Tim Allen (65), Malcolm McDowell (75), Mary-Kate Olsen & Ashley Olsen (32), Richard Thomas (67), Simon Callow (69), Kathy Burke (54), Richard Ayoade (41), Adriana Lima (37), Elizabeth Hurley (53), Kate Upton (26), Jürgen Prochnow (77) and Prince Philip (97).

After what seems like weeks of no deaths, we’re suddenly overrun by a deluge of suicides and natural causes! There’s a couple in the list from May that we missed due to poor reporting on the media’s part, and surprisingly, nobody scored, even though we all knew Stringfellow had cancer. Let’s hope next week brings in some points.    

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Johnnie Keyes, 78, American pornographic actor (Behind the Green Door), stroke.  
• Kate Spade, 55, American fashion designer (Kate Spade New York), suicide by hanging.  
• Mary Wilson, Baroness Wilson of Rievaulx, 102, British poet, Spouse of the Prime Minister (1964–1970, 1974–1976), stroke.  
• Glynn Edwards, 87, British actor (Minder, Get Carter, The Paper Lads).  
• Jerry Maren, 98, American actor (The Wizard of Oz), heart failure.
• Peter Stringfellow, 77, English businessman and nightclub owner, cancer.  
• Anthony Bourdain, 61, American chef, author and television host (No Reservations, Parts Unknown, The Layover), 4-time Emmy winner, suicide by hanging.  
• Eunice Gayson, 90, British actress (Dr. No, From Russia with Love, The Revenge of Frankenstein).  
• Danny Kirwan, 68, British Hall of Fame guitarist (Fleetwood Mac, Tramp).

In Other News

For the first time in 50 years, Radio 4 comedy panel show Just A Minute was not hosted by Nicholas Parsons. The 94-year-old broadcaster, who has been at the helm of the  programme for more than 900 episodes, was replaced by regular panellist Gyles Brandreth. The unexpected absence led to a minor frenzy on Twitter, with one fan saying “hell had frozen over”. But the BBC’s head of radio comedy explained that Parsons was “taking a couple of days off”. Julia McKenzie tweeted that Parsons is “totally fine” and the “apocalypse is not upon us”. The BBC said he will be recording an edition of ‘Just a Minute’ this Wednesday as usual and will be back on air in a couple of weeks. Parsons began presenting the panel show in 1967, ensuring that players of the game speak on a subject for 60 seconds without hesitation, repetition or deviation. When introducing the show, former MP Brandreth said: “After 50 years at the helm he quite rightly thinks he should be allowed a day off.”  

Comedian Michael McIntyre was robbed by two men on a moped while he was parked outside his children’s school, his publicist said. The men smashed his car windows with a hammer on Monday before taking his watch and fleeing, it was reported. His wife Kitty said the star was “fine” after the robbery at about 14:00 BST on North End Road in Golders Green, north-west London. Asked if they were concerned about the family’s safety, Ms McIntyre said “no”. Local residents spoke to BBC Radio London following the robbery. One resident, who has lived on the leafy road for 30 years, said: “I’m not worried because I don’t wear a Rolex and don’t drive around in a Range Rover.” Sadly the whole event has supplied McIntyre with a slew of material for his upcoming shows.  

The Queen has had surgery on her eye to remove a cataract. A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “I can confirm that the Queen successfully underwent a short planned procedure to treat a cataract last month.” The 92-year-old monarch had been seen wearing sunglasses at recent events, including the Royal Windsor Horse Show, but did not cancel any engagements. The Queen was treated as a day patient at the private King Edward VII’s hospital in London. In July 1995, the Queen Mother had a cataract operation at the age of 94. A family history of cataracts can increase a person’s risk of developing them. So we don’t have a Queen who has decided to go ‘cool’ in her twilight years, just a blind old bat. 

A crocodile has killed a Protestant pastor who was baptising followers near a lake in southern Ethiopia. Docho Eshete was conducting the  ceremony for about 80 people on Sunday morning at Lake Abaya in Arba Minch town’s Merkeb Tabya district. Residents and police told Dead Pool Media that a crocodile leapt from the water, in what can only be described as an act of God during the baptism and attacked him. Pastor Docho died after being bitten on his legs, back and hands. “He baptised the first person and he passed on to another one. All of a sudden, a crocodile jumped out of the lake and grabbed the pastor,” local resident Ketema Kairo told us. Despite huge efforts, fishermen and residents could not save pastor Docho. They used fishing nets to prevent the crocodile from taking the pastor’s body into the lake, luckily the crocodile escaped. 

On This Day

• 671 – Emperor Tenji of Japan introduces a water clock (clepsydra) called Rokoku. The instrument, which measures time and indicates hours, is placed in the capital of Ōtsu.  
• 1692 – Salem witch trials: Bridget Bishop is hanged at Gallows Hill near Salem, Massachusetts, for “certaine Detestable Arts called Witchcraft & Sorceries”.  
• 1786 – A landslide dam on the Dadu River created by an earthquake ten days earlier collapses, killing 100,000 in the Sichuan province of China.  
• 1886 – Mount Tarawera in New Zealand erupts, killing 153 people and burying the famous Pink and White Terraces. Eruptions continue for three months creating a large, 17 km long fissure across the mountain peak.  
• 1935 – Dr. Robert Smith takes his last drink, and Alcoholics Anonymous is founded in Akron, Ohio, United States, by him and Bill Wilson.

Deaths

• 323 BC – Alexander the Great, Macedonian king (b. 356 BC)  
• 1967 – Spencer Tracy, American actor (b. 1900)
• 1993 – Les Dawson, English comedian, actor, writer and presenter (b. 1931)  
• 2004 – Ray Charles, American singer-songwriter, pianist, and actor (b. 1930)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Natalie Portman (37), Johnny Depp (55), Eddie Marsan (50), Michael J. Fox (57), Griffin Dunne (63), Nancy Sinatra (78), Kanye West (41), Colin Baker (75), Michael Cera (30), Liam Neeson (66), Karl Urban (46), Bill Hader (40), Anna Torv  (39), Helen Baxendale (48), Tom Jones (78), Bear Grylls (44), Anna Kournikova (37), Iggy Azalea (28), Jason Isaacs (55), Paul Giamatti (51), Robert Englund (71), Sandra Bernhard (63), Gianna Michaels (35), Josie Lawrence (59), Mark Wahlberg (47),  Mel Giedroyc (50), Angelina Jolie (43), Noah Wyle (47), Bruce Dern (82), Sean Pertwee (54), Russell Brand (43), Bradley Walsh (58), Imogen Poots (29), James Purefoy (54) and Suzi Quatro (68).