Another week at war, and a nice take below on what could happen to us. Try not to lose sleep after you read it 😛 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Lynda Baron, 82, British actress (Open All Hours, Come Outside, EastEnders).
• Ron Pember, 87, British actor (Secret Army, Only Fools and Horses, Murder by Decree), stage director, and dramatist.  
• Emilio Delgado, 81, American actor (Sesame Street, I Will Fight No More Forever, A Case of You), multiple myeloma. 
• Traci Braxton, 50, American R&B singer (The Braxtons) and television personality (Braxton Family Values), oesophageal cancer.  
• Pete St. John, 90, Irish folk singer-songwriter (“The Fields of Athenry“, “The Rare Ould Times“).

In Other News

ITV’s live shows were taken off air on Thursday morning and police were called after a suspicious package was delivered to the London studios where the daytime programmes are filmed. This Morning went off air suddenly and Loose Women did not air a live show, while Tube stations White City and Wood Lane, which are both near to Television Centre, were closed. Appearing on Good Morning Britain on Friday, host Ben Shephard asked Lorraine Kelly if she was responsible for the evacuation. She replied: “Apparently, I am told it was somebody from a film company had sent me a wee present and it had a battery in it and when they x-rayed it, it looked a little bit suspicious. But it was all fine and dandy and it’s OK.” This Morning went to an advert break during the final 15 minutes of the live show but, when it returned, a compilation episode started airing. Panel show Loose Women, which is on ITV immediately after This Morning, also did not air a live show. Instead, viewers were shown presenter Nadia Sawalha telling viewers they were seeing a “very special episode” of Loose Women, which would be showing the best bits of the Life Before Loose series. Reflecting on the interruption to the live broadcast, Kelly said: “It shows the system all works so it’s all fantastic.” ITV’s live programming returned in time for the lunchtime news at 1.30pm. A statement from the channel on Thursday said: “Due to a suspected security alert, the building which ITV daytime broadcast from was safely evacuated. The issue has been resolved and staff have returned to the building following the all-clear from the police. We apologise for the interruption to the schedule and we have now returned to normal programming.” The only question left is what was the battery operated device that Lorraine had delivered???    

Hailey Bieber is currently in hospital after suffering “stroke-like symptoms” from a “small blood clot” in her brain. The 25-year-old model was admitted to a hospital near Palm Springs several days ago for a brain-related condition. In an Instagram Story on Saturday, she told fans: “On Thursday morning, I was sitting at breakfast with my husband when I started having stroke like symptoms and was taken to the hospital. They found I had suffered a very small blood clot to my brain, which caused a small lack of oxygen, but my body had passed it on its own and I recovered completely within a few hours.” Bieber, who is married to singer Justin Bieber, said she is now in better health. “Although this was definitely one of the scariest moments I’ve ever been through, I’m home now and doing well, and I’m so grateful and thankful to all the amazing doctors and nurses who took care of me!” she wrote. “Thank you to everyone who has reached out with well wishes and concern, and for all the support and love..” It is not know what caused Bieber’s illness. Last month, Bieber said that she would not be publicly speaking about her private life anymore, saying she has no interest in doing any more interviews that are about her husband or her personal life. “It doesn’t feel worth it to me anymore when I try to have an open conversation with someone like you and then it gets taken out of context,” she explained. “The media loves to take a tiny little blurb of something for clickbait. The media has always been a disgusting thing.”  

Jenna Jameson, the famous ex-porn star & model has revealed that doctors still haven’t discovered the root cause of her mystery illness. In a recent health update, Jenna shared a video on her Instagram, conversing with her fans and well wishers about her current health status. In the video, she is seen bedridden. She shares that she is still sick but relieved that she is at home. She said that there is no idea of what exactly is going on. She is unable to stand but is feeling a lot better because of the support of her fans and well wishers. She added that there are a lot of tests that are needed to be done but the doctors have confirmed that something is really off with her femoral nerve that is affecting her strength in the legs.  James was hospitalised for over two months and shared with her fans that she had been confined to a wheelchair.  The former adult film actress, shared back in January that she was initially hospitalised and diagnosed with Guillain Barre syndrome which the doctors describe as a rare autoimmune disorder in which a person’s own immune system damages the nerves. However, after the news came out, Jameson’s boyfriend Lior Bitten, later confirmed that Guillain Barre has been ruled out and she has been misdiagnosed with the rare immune condition.

Taron Ergerton has assured fans that he is “completely fine” after collapsing on stage during the opening night of his new West End play. Theatre goers were left concerned after the Welsh actor, 32, was taken ill during the production of Cock at the Ambassadors Theatre in London on Saturday night. Thankfully, a doctor was in the house and attended to him as the show took a 40-minute break. While director Marianne Elliot appeared on stage to reassure that the actor was “fine”, his understudy, Joel Harper-Jackson, filled in for the remainder of the performance as a precaution. Taking to Instagram the following day, Egerton gave his 2.5m a health update. “As some of you may have heard, I passed out during the first performance of Cock last night,” he wrote. “I am completely fine. Slightly sore neck and a bruised ego but I’m fine. I’ve decided to put a positive spin on it and I would appreciate it if anyone who was in the theatre last night just said that I gave such a committed, electrifying performance that my body couldn’t handle it and checked out,” he jokingly continued. “That being said, apparently you’re meant to do the full show and not just three quarters of it. So I’ll be back with a vengeance tomorrow night.” He went on to thank his “amazing” cast-mates and members of the production team, as well as Harper-Jackson.

On This Day

• 781 – William Herschel discovers Uranus. Ahem… 
• 1996 – The Dunblane massacre leads to the death of sixteen primary school children and one teacher in Dunblane, Scotland.
• 2013 – The 2013 papal conclave elects Pope Francis as the 266th Pope of the Catholic Church.
• 2020 – President Donald Trump declares the COVID-19 pandemic to be a national emergency in the United States.

Deaths

• 1619 – Richard Burbage, English actor (b. 1567).
• 1842 – Henry Shrapnel, English general (b. 1761).
• 2006 – Robert C. Baker, American businessman, invented the chicken nugget (b. 1921).
• 2021 – Marvelous Marvin Hagler, American professional boxer (b. 1954).
• 2021 – Murray Walker, English motorsport commentator and journalist (b.1923).

What Happens to you in a  Nuclear Explosion?

With the current world situation, it might be useful for our readers to know the answer. Is it possible to live through the immediate effects of a nuclear explosion? Will you die instantly, or will your demise be slow and painful? It might be a morbid thought, but knowing how a nuclear explosion affects the body and how to protect yourself could save your life if you are unfortunate enough to experience an atomic bomb.  

Many factors determine how a nuclear blast would affect you. The size of the bomb, whether it explodes in the air or on the ground, the geographical layout of where the bomb hits, how far away you are from ground zero, and what types of buildings and materials are nearby all play into how a nuclear attack could affect you. 

Anyone at ground zero – the point immediately above or below detonation – is unlikely to survive. According to Brooke Buddemeier, a health physicist at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, the only people who would make it through a nuclear blast at such a close range are those who happen to be in a fortified building or underground bunker. If you are not fortunate enough to be in one of these safe spaces and are still within a few mile radius of the bomb, your body will be instantaneously reduced to its basic minerals from the heat of the blast. It can reach up to 300,000 degrees Celsius – 300 times hotter than the temperature used to cremate human bodies. Mercifully, this will happen so quickly you won’t see it coming. All that will be left where you stood will be a crater from the explosion or a nuclear shadow like those in Hiroshima. 

If you are within a half-mile of the explosion and somehow survive the blast, thermonuclear radiation, shockwave, and ultraviolet light, you are still not safe. Winds from the explosion can move at more than 400 miles per hour – double the speed of a Category 5 hurricane. The human body can withstand this force, but it cannot survive if large flying debris strikes at this speed. This wind speed is enough to knock down most structures, so even if you are indoors and shielded from the initial radiation, it may not matter – the building could crush you as it collapses. The shockwaves of air from the blast cause a change in air pressure, too, and if the wind doesn’t destroy the building you’re in, this change can crumble it. It’s all so sudden that even strong structures often cannot withstand the blast. 

Those closest to the blast site have it the worst, but what happens if they are not instantly incinerated? Thermal radiation goes out in a pulse, and it is so intense it can scorch a person’s skin and ignite widespread fires. 

On the inside, things get horrifyingly heated, too. Your lungs may rupture, like your eardrums, and you may have internal bleeding from the force of the blast. You could die from asphyxiation or organ damage. All of this happens within about a 3-mile radius of the blast, in around 10 seconds. 

A 1-megaton nuclear bomb can cause first-degree burns – or the equivalent of a bad sunburn – roughly 7 miles away from the blast point. If you’re within 6 miles of the explosion, those burns become second-degree. Third-degree burns, or a full-thickness burn, can happen within 5 miles of the blast. This type of burn destroys all three layers of your skin and can even damage muscles and bones. If 24% of your body is covered in this type of injury, it can be lethal.

Light can also cause burns in some cases. If you’re close enough to the blast, the intensity of the light can cause first, second, and even third-degree burns. Second-degree burns, though not as bad as third-degree burns, can still turn deadly. If you get them over 30% of your body or more, you can go into shock, which can kill you quickly if you don’t receive medical care.  

Even though journalist John Hersey described the blast of an atomic bomb as a “noiseless flash,” the air blast can be deafeningly loud. Since light travels faster than sound, you may become flash-blind in a 5-mile radius before your hearing is affected. At this distance, the blast area pressure is 5 pounds per square inch. At this pressure, your eardrums can easily rupture, which can lead to infection or deafness. If you are farther than 5 miles from the blast, your hearing could still be affected. You could get tinnitus, a ringing in the ears. Studies show people who suffer hearing damage from even small explosions can experience hearing problems for years, if not life.  

At a little less than 7 miles away, nuclear blasts send out a flood of ultraviolet light. This intense light can burn people so severely, it disables their limbs – something that may lead to medical amputation down the line. These ultraviolet burns from thermal radiation happen so quickly that victims often don’t feel any pain – the light destroys pain nerves before they can feel the damage. You likely wouldn’t feel your body being severely burned, even if you did go into shock from the experience. 

The most lethal effects of a nuclear bomb happen within a 10-mile radius of the blast site, but that doesn’t mean everyone outside this zone comes out unscathed. Temporary flash blindness can occur in people up to 53 miles away from ground zero. While the condition can clear up in a few minutes, the problem with flash blindness is it doesn’t only happen to people in houses or sitting down comfortably. Anyone who looks directly at the blast while driving a car will be unable to see, meaning many people on the road could be instantly driving blind. In this moment, those drivers can cause serious damage to themselves and others. Even if the blast isn’t affecting your body directly, its effects could lead to injury or death. If you are closer to the blast and look directly into the explosion, the flash can focus through your eyes’ lenses, causing your retinas to burn. Retinal burns, or photic retinopathy, can permanently damage eyesight. 

One Russian Topol 800kt Bomb on London

In the case of a nuclear explosion, there is an effect created called an electromagnetic pulse, or an EMP. The nuclear blast generates this short burst of electromagnetic energy, which can cause voltage surges or disruptions in many pieces of technology. These pulses happen quickly, and they can cause electronic devices to turn off or become permanently damaged and disabled. This could prove lethal for people with pacemakers or any other sort of technology keeping them alive. You wouldn’t be able to call for help because your cellphone would be knocked out, too. Some experts say a nuclear bomb makes it dangerous to get into a car. It’s also worth noting that, depending on how high above the ground a nuclear weapon detonates, the EMP pulse could span hundreds of miles. 

One of the biggest long-term effects of a nuclear blast is the radiation, and not just that which settles during fallout. If you are close to the initial blast and survive, it doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods – you’ve still likely been contaminated with radiation.

Radiation can cause chemical changes in your DNA at high-enough doses, and if you’re close to a nuclear blast, those levels can be deadly, damaging or killing your cells. The radiation can cause immediate burns (including fatal ones), and it can also lead to cancer.

While burns might kill you in the short run, it’s cancer and other health problems that can lead to a slow death. Sometimes, it may take years or decades to occur, even though the initial changes happened directly after the nuclear blast. Even small doses of radiation seem to be harmful, according to scientists. 

You can survive a nuclear explosion from almost anywhere in the blast radius. Being at least 7 miles away or more keeps you safer from some of the more major burns, but it’s still possible to stay alive if you’re closer. There have been cases where a few lucky people survived atomic bomb blasts even though they were at ground zero. It takes being in a very sturdy building or a basement at the moment of the explosion to survive, though, so in those cases, it’s all about chance. 

On the other hand, if you are a mile or more away from the explosion, you may have an opportunity to save yourself. If you have an underground basement, it’s a good idea to head there immediately rather than trying to flee in a car or on foot. Also, try to cut off the flow of outside air, as it can bring radiation with it. 

Other than that, it’s all about being prepared. Have nonperishable food and water stored in a safe, underground area, and be prepared to stay there for 24 hours. The radiation from the bomb will decrease drastically after a day has passed – by up to 80% – which gives you a higher chance of surviving the lethal aftereffects. Good luck! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Harry Melling (33), William H. Macy (72), Annabeth Gish (51), Jaimie Alexander (38), Titus Welliver (60), Aaron Eckhart (54), Liza Minnelli (76), Jodie Comer (29), Thora Birch (40), Johnny Knoxville (51), Alex Kingston (59), John Barrowman (55), Olivia Wilde (38), Sharon Stone (64), Jon Hamm (51), Chuck Norris (82), Robin Thicke (45), Oscar Isaac (43), Juliette Binoche (58), Aidan Quinn (63), Cynthia Rothrock (65), Micky Dolenz (77), Rachel Weisz (52), and Bryan Cranston (66).

I was worried there’d be no news to share at the beginning of this week, with Putin taking up all the  newspapers columns. Well, how wrong could I be! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Veronica Carlson, 77, British actress (Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, The Horror of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed) and model.  
• John Stahl, 68, Scottish actor (Game of Thrones, Victoria & Abdul, Take the High Road).  
• Bob Wellings, 87, British television presenter and journalist (Nationwide).
• Dai Jones, 78, Welsh television presenter (Cefn Gwlad).  
• Shane Warne, 52, Australian cricketer, delivered the Ball of the Century, heart attack.  
• Mitchell Ryan, 88, American actor (Dark Shadows, Dharma & Greg, Lethal Weapon), congestive heart failure.  

In Other News

Taron Egerton worried the audience of his new play after collapsing on stage midway through the performance. The Rocketman star, 32, was performing a new production of Mike Bartlett’s 2009 play Cock alongside Jonathan Bailey when he passed out. According to crowd members at London’s Ambassadors Theatre, one of Egerton’s co-stars stopped the opening night performance and a safety curtain went down, leaving the audience sat around waiting for an update on his health. On Twitter, an audience member said that a doctor from the crowd rushed to the stage to help him. After a 40-minute break, in which the production team “assessed the situation”, the play’s director, Marianne Elliott, came on stage to reassure revellers that Egerton was “absolutely fine”. However, Elliott said that his understudy, Joel Harper-Jackson, would continue in his place for the remaining 15 minutes. Audience member Sue Nelson wrote on Twitter that the news that Egerton was alright received “huge applause”. A statement from the play’s production read: “During this evening’s first preview of Mike Bartlett’s play Cock at the Ambassadors Theatre, Taron Egerton fainted towards the end of the performance. A doctor who was in the audience attended to Taron immediately after the incident, and whilst he felt fine, it was decided that Taron’s understudy, Joel Harper-Jackson would continue in the role to complete the performance.” Cock, which also stars Phil Daniels, follows a gay couple who are rocked when one falls in love with a woman (Jade Anouka). The play marks Egerton’s West End debut and, in between updating people on Egerton’s health, audience members praised his “sensational” performance as well as the production.  

Roxy Horner, who is dating the actor and comedian Jack Whitehall, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in May 2021 after she suffered from low energy levels, “appalling” memory, and continual sickness. The 30-year-old model revealed that she was rushed to the hospital after a friend called an ambulance. Taking to Instagram on Sunday, Roxy revealed she was forced to seek treatment and admittedly has been having a “really rough time” being a diabetic. The model expressed her gratitude at being in the UK after learning there was a shortage of medication for the condition in Ukraine amid the current military crisis. In view of her 193,000 followers, Roxy began: “After my last post on diabetes I’ve had a few messages on how I’m managing and the truth is I’m trying my best but it is still hard. I’ve been having a really rough time managing my glucose levels the past few weeks, they are yo-yo-ing for absolutely no reason, I throw up when I go too high and I’ve had a few too many hypos for my liking lately.” She continued: “My friend had to call an ambulance for me the other day, I was starting to lose consciousness, my entire body was shaking, my levels got pretty low and wouldn’t come back up even after drinking four apple juices. It’s so weird to me because I’m still figuring this out and a month ago I really thought I started to nail it but it’s always going to be a rollercoaster and I know soon I’ll feel much better, maybe even tomorrow, I’ll be fine. My problems feel so minuscule on the scale of what’s going on in the world and I count myself lucky that I’m safe in my own country.” In an earlier post, Roxy shared her dismay as she detailed the lack of vital medications available for people in Ukraine after Russia invaded the country last week. She admitted she couldn’t “fathom the fear” any sufferers must feel knowing medication is in short supply. 

The Supreme Court has reinstated the death sentence for Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. In a 6-3 ruling on Friday, the court found that a federal appeals court was wrong to vacate the death sentence based on issues of jury selection and evidence. The vote was divided along lines of ideology, with outgoing Justice Stephen Breyer, Justice Elena Kagan, and, in part, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, dissenting with the ruling. Three people were killed and 260 were injured, many seriously, in the 2013 bombing. Seventeen of those who were injured lost limbs. A police officer was killed during the ensuing manhunt. “Dzhokhar Tsarnaev committed heinous crimes. The Sixth Amendment nonetheless guaranteed him a fair trial before an impartial jury. He received one,” conservative Justice Clarence Thomas wrote for the majority. The court was looking at a ruling by a panel of three judges in the US Court of Appeals for the first Circuit. The panel agreed with Tsarnaev’s attorneys back in July that potential jurors were not properly questioned for bias in the heavily publicised 2015 trial. The panel overturned Tsarnaev’s death sentence, saying that some evidence had also been improperly withheld. The evidence could have shown that Tsarnaev’s older brother, Tamerlan, was more responsible for the attack. Tamerlan Tsarnaev died in a confrontation with law enforcement as police closed in on the brothers in the days following the bombing in April 2013. The panel of judges upheld Tsarnaev’s conviction on 27 charges; his guilt was never questioned. The issue at hand was whether he was to face the death penalty or life in prison. The three people who died in the bombing were Chinese graduate student Lingzi Lu, restaurant manager Krystle Campbell, and 8-year-old Martin Richard. The case created an issue for the Department of Justice. The agency had asked the Supreme Court to reverse the federal appeals court’s decision despite President Joe Biden, who opposes the death penalty, having stopped federal executions.

On This Day

• 1836 –Battle of the Alamo: After a thirteen-day siege by an army of 3,000 Mexican troops, the 187 Texas volunteers, including frontiersman Davy Crockett and colonel Jim Bowie are killed and the fort is captured.
• 1869 – Dmitri Mendeleev presents the first periodic table to the Russian Chemical Society.
• 1899 – Bayer registers “Aspirin” as a trademark.
• 1984 – In the United Kingdom, a walkout at Cortonwood Colliery in Brampton Bierlow signals the start of a strike that lasted almost a year and involved the majority of the country’s miners.
• 1987 – The British ferry MS Herald of Free Enterprise capsizes in about 90 seconds, killing 193.

Deaths

• 1951 – Ivor Novello, Welsh singer-songwriter and actor (b. 1893).
• 1961 – George Formby, English singer-songwriter and actor (b. 1904).
• 1982 – Ayn Rand, Russian-American philosopher, author, and playwright (b. 1905).
• 2016 – Nancy Reagan, American actress, 42nd First Lady of the United States (b. 1921).

Is Putin Right in the Head?  

If, like me, you think that Vlad ‘The Invader’ Putin is not quite right, here are the flying monkeys guesses as to what might be wrong with him. 

It’s thought the Russian leader’s decision to invade Ukraine might have been sparked by not only his unhinged mental state, but also by a worrying physical health condition. Putin, 69, was described as “ashen and bloated” in pictures released by the Kremlin. The Russian president, normally cutting a rugged and manly figure, looked pale and unfit as his forces pounded Ukraine’s cities. 

Putin is always tight-lipped about his health – but there has been much speculation over the years. Researchers even claimed they identified signs in Putin’s gait which could point to Parkinson’s disease. 

The Kremlin has not commented on the 2022 speculation that Putin is ill. But here are a few clues puffy-faced Putin could be seriously ill. 

Putin has appeared notably more bloated around the face and neck in recent weeks – suggesting he might be undergoing treatment with steroids for a health condition. Side effects of steroids include increased risk of infection – which it is claimed could explain his paranoia about catching Covid. Steroids can also spark “mood and behavioural changes”. According to Macmillan Cancer Support, a high dose of steroids can cause confusion or even changes in thinking. “This can include having strange or frightening thoughts,” the charity says. 

Fiona Hill, the British former senior White House expert on Russia, told the flying monkeys: “Putin’s not looking so great, he’s been rather puffy-faced. We know that he has complained about having back issues. Even if it’s not something worse than that, it could be that he’s taking high doses of steroids, or there may be something else. There seems to be an urgency for this that may be also driven by personal factors. He may have a sense that time is marching on – it’s 22 years in power, after all, and the likelihood after that kind of time of a Russian leader leaving voluntarily or through elections is pretty slim. Most leaders leave either like Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko thought that he might leave, as the result of massive protests, or they die in office.” 

Former foreign secretary and medical doctor Lord Owen said changes in Putin’s face made it appear he had been taking steroids, which can make you more vulnerable to Covid. Lord Owen told our monkey: “Look at his face, see how that has changed – he now has an oval face. People who said, oh, it’s plastic surgery or Botox, I don’t believe that at all. He’s on either anabolic steroids as a bodybuilder – and he’s very proud of his muscles and strips to the waist and everything like that – or he’s on corticosteroids. If you’re on these drugs, this gives you this face. It reduces your immunity and makes you more vulnerable to Covid.” He added: “This man has been in complete isolation, quite extraordinary, won’t see anybody, stays miles away, tremendous pressures. Which indicates he’s on a steroid and probably, maybe, a combination of both. And we ought to fess up to it, that carries with it, particularly anabolic steroids, bodybuilders, aggressiveness that comes through. I think his personality has changed, but don’t believe he’s mad. He’s a very clever and able, and somebody who you don’t want as an enemy, and he’s ruthless.” 

Political scientist Valery Solovei has previously claimed Putin has cancer as well as symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease. He claimed the Kremlin boss had emergency surgery in February 2020. Speaking that year, Prof Solovei said of Putin’s twin health traumas: “One is of psycho-neurological nature, the other is a cancer problem. If anyone is interested in the exact diagnosis, I’m not a doctor, and I have no ethical right to reveal these problems. The second diagnosis is a lot, lot more dangerous than the first named diagnosis as Parkinson’s does not threaten physical state, but just limits public appearances. But there is a fatal diagnosis. Based on this information people will be able to make a conclusion about his life horizon, which wouldn’t even require specialist medical education.” 

Prof Solovei – the former head of the Public Relations Department at Moscow State Institute of International Relations – claims Putin underwent surgery in February that year. Another Russian source went on to claim it was an abdominal cancer operation. It was even claimed the Russian leader was planning to announce his Kremlin exit early in 2021. But at the time, Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov branded it “absolute nonsense” as he insisted everything was “fine” with the president.   

People who are taking immune-suppressing medication, such as cancer patients or those with chronic conditions, are known to be at a higher risk of contracting a severe case of Covid. And there has been a flurry of speculation over whether this is behind Putin’s decision to sit metres away from foreign leaders and even his own colleagues. In a case of extreme social distancing, Emmanuel Macron was forced to sit at the other end of a 13ft table during a meeting with the Russian president. Putin’s own foreign minister Sergei Lavrov was also seated at the other end of an absurdly long table.

Many of Putin’s visitors, including both staff and politicians, have reportedly been forced to quarantine in hotels for two weeks before meeting him. It was also reported visitors to the Kremlin had to walk through an elaborate disinfectant-spraying tunnel.

His extreme measures have sparked rumours that the leader is terrified of catching Covid because he’s vulnerable to a severe infection.  

Republican senator Marco Rubio – who has access to classified intelligence – raised eyebrows last week when he tweeted that “something is off” with Putin. The senior politician is on the Senate Intelligence Committee and is not allowed to talk about the information he views. But in what appears to be a hint, Rubio said Putin was facing a “different and significant” problem. “I wish I could share more, but for now I can say it’s pretty obvious to many that something is off with Putin,” he wrote. “He has always been a killer, but his problem now is different & significant. It would be a mistake to assume this Putin would react the same way he would have five years ago.” He later added that Putin “appears to have some neuro/physiological health issues” – but did not expand further. Pressure is piling on the US to release any intelligence that might reveal if Putin is indeed ill – with one former White House national security official telling the monkeys the US should “make it personal”. 

Putin has been slowly but surely carrying out his grand plans to restore Soviet glory. In 2008, he invaded Georgia – and six years later, he annexed Crimea. And under changes to the Russian law made in early 2021, he can now remain president until 2036. This would give gangster Putin plenty of time for incremental land grabs using what some have dubbed “salami tactics” by taking Ukraine “slice by slice” over a long period time.Therefore, many have been left puzzled as to why he would take such a huge gamble on taking over the whole of Ukraine in one go – unless he was unwell and had limited time. It increases the suspicion that perhaps his physical health means he is running out of time. What do you all think? 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Shaquille O’Neal (50), Ellen Muth (41), Tom Arnold (63), Alan Davies (56), Eva Mendes (48), Jolene Blalock (47), Matt Lucas (48), Paul Blackthorne (53), Fred Williamson (84), Penn Jillette (67), Catherine O’Hara (68), Patsy Kensit (54), Dominique Pinon (67), Jessica Biel (40), Julie Bowen (52), Miranda Richardson (64), Charlie Brooker (51), Bryce Dallas Howard (41), Daniel Craig (54), Rebel Wilson (42), Nathalie Emmanuel (33), Gates McFadden (73), Jon Bon Jovi (60), Alexander Armstrong (52), Chris Martin (45), Javier Bardem (53), Jensen Ackles (44), Ron Howard (68), Ma Dong-seok (51), Lupita Nyong’o (39), Zack Snyder (56), Dirk Benedict (77), Justin Bieber (28), Harry Belafonte (95), Roger Daltrey (78), John Turturro (65), Rae Dawn Chong (61), and Stephanie Beacham (75).

Short and sweet this week, all the news seems to be about a spot of bother in the Ukraine. Anyone care to place a bets on how long Putin will survive? 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Gary Brooker, 76, English singer-songwriter (“A Whiter Shade of Pale“, “Conquistador“) and pianist (Procol Harum), cancer.  
• Jamal Edwards, 31, British entrepreneur, author, and DJ, founder of SB.TV. 
• Stewart Bevan, 73, British actor (Doctor Who, Emmerdale, The Ghoul).  
• The Amazing Johnathan, 63, American magician and stand-up comedian. 
• Mark Lanegan, 57, American musician (Screaming Trees, The Gutter Twins) and singer-songwriter (“Nearly Lost You“). 
• Sylvie Gatrill, 70, British actress (Bread, Brookside), cancer.
• Anna Karen, 85, South African-born English actress (EastEnders, On the Buses, Carry On), house fire.  
• Sally Kellerman, 84, American actress (M*A*S*H, Star Trek, Brewster McCloud), heart failure.   

In Other News

Celebrity news blog Hollywood Unlocked has backtracked on its false report that the Queen had died. Two days after it was publicly announced that Queen Elizabeth II had tested positive for Covid-19, Hollywood Unlocked published a story with the headline: “HU Exclusive: Queen Elizabeth Dead.” The piece read: “Sources close to the Royal Kingdom notified us exclusively that Queen Elizabeth has passed away. She was scheduled to attend the wedding of British Vogue editor Edward Enninful, but was found dead.” While Hollywood Unlocked was widely criticised for the story, founder Jason Lee insisted it was true, claiming: “We don’t post lies and I stand by my sources. However, by Friday a new article was published to the website titled: “Fact Check: 10 Reasons We Believed Queen Elizabeth Was Dead.” In the piece, the author laid out why Hollywood Unlocked and Lee had incorrectly believed the rumours to be true. The article claimed that Lee was directly contacted by a source who had attended Enninful’s wedding and claimed that guests had been told of the monarch’s passing there, prompting “dismay” among the attendees. Lee then allegedly corroborated this report with a source “familiar with the British military”, who claimed that the palace “had been locked down and all the top generals had been summoned to Windsor Castle ‘for an undisclosed reason’”. It is stressed in the article that Hollywood Unlocked had not “intentionally” meant to cause harm to the monarchy. A statement from Lee said: “Although I’ve never been wrong when breaking a story because this involves The Queen this is one time I would want to be. And based on Wednesday’s report from the Palace, I can say my sources got this wrong and I sincerely apologise to The Queen and the Royal Family.”  

Pete Doherty has been forced to cancel his upcoming gigs, after falling ill with a high fever and shortness of breath. The Libertines singer, 42, received ‘immediate treatment’ from medics, after the star tested negative for Covid-19 and that diagnosis was ruled out. A statement released on behalf of the indie icon revealed that the singer has been diagnosed with a respiratory infection and he remains under ‘close observation’ from a doctor. Due to Pete’s health battle, a string of his U.K shows and gigs have been cancelled, as the singer is not able to perform ‘under any circumstance’. Posted to recently-married star’s 137,000 Instagram followers on Thursday, the statement read: “A doctor has been called to assess Peter’s condition tonight after he developed a high fever and shortness of breath. “Thankfully, he has tested negative for COVID-19, but has been diagnosed with a respiratory infection which requires immediate treatment. Unfortunately, he has been advised not to perform tonight under any circumstances, which was not a decision taken lightly, and he remained under close observation with the doctor. Further updates tomorrow afternoon with regard to the weekends show.” Pete had been scheduled to perform at the O2 Forum in Kentish Town on Friday and Saturday. The Babyshambles frontman is due to take the stage at various locations across Europe over the next few months, including gigs in France, Germany and Holland.  

Jeremy Clarkson opened up about a recent car accident he had near his Diddly Squat Farm. The frightening incident happened earlier this week when the presenter was driving to see a friend in a nearby Cotswolds village. He headed out in the morning and recalls feeling as though something was “troubling” him. Writing for the Sunday Times, he said: “I was being tickled by the motoring world’s equivalent of a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it tingle in the left arm. You know what it’s like when you walk into a northern pub and everyone’s laughing and joking. But you can just sort of sense that, somewhere in the steamed-up background, Begbie’s getting ready to lob his pint glass over the balcony. And that soon you’ll have a split lip and a snooker cue up your jacksie. It was that feeling.” Jeremy was driving down a long hill in Chipping Norton when he pressed his foot down on the brake pedal. In a heart-stopping moment, Jeremy’s BMW, which he says is “the worst car of them all”, began to skid when the wheels hit a portion of black ice. Detailing the frightening experience, the Clarkson’s Farm star explained: “It was the noise that gave it away first. A sort of shooshing sound, followed by the slow-motion staccato of the car’s antilock braking system fighting a losing battle with a surface that plainly had the characteristics of wet soap in a puddle of Fairy Liquid. In short, I was driving on black ice.” Thankfully, Jeremy managed to steer the car onto a grass verge at the side of the road. He was unharmed but admits he was left shaken by the accident. He continued: “I steered carefully to the side of the road, where there was a grass verge so that two of the tyres would have some kind of adhesion. And then, after stopping and taking stock, I continued with my journey at approximately 1mph.” It comes as the former Top Gear host is filming the second series of his hit Amazon Prime show, Clarkson’s Farm. It will detail the highs and lows of life on the Diddly Squat Farm as well as work on the farm’s shop.

On This Day

• 1900 – The British Labour Party is founded.
• 1951 – The Twenty-second Amendment to the United States Constitution, limiting Presidents to two terms, is ratified.
• 1964 – The Government of Italy asks for help to keep the Leaning Tower of Pisa from toppling over, must have worked as its still standing!
• 2004 – Shoko Asahara, the leader of the Japanese doomsday cult Aum Shinrikyo, is sentenced to death for masterminding the 1995 Tokyo subway sarin attack.

Deaths

• 1892 – Louis Vuitton, French fashion designer, founded Louis Vuitton (b. 1821)
• 1993 – Lillian Gish, American actress (b. 1893)
• 2002 – Spike Milligan, Irish soldier, actor, comedian, and author (b. 1918)
• 2003 – Fred Rogers, American minister and television host (b. 1928)
• 2006 – Linda Smith, English comedian and author (b. 1958)
• 2015 – Leonard Nimoy, American actor (b. 1931)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Kate Mara (39), Timothy Spall (65), Adam Baldwin (60), Noah Emmerich (57), Richard Coyle (50), Bolo Yeung (76), Chase Masterson (59), Bill Duke (79), Rashida Jones (46), Téa Leoni (56), Sean Astin (51), Rose Matafeo (30), Lee Evans (58), Martha Kelly (54), Billy Zane (56), Daniel Kaluuya (33), Edward James Olmos (75), Dennis Waterman (74), Emily Blunt (39), Dakota Fanning (28), Samara Weaving (30), Kelly Macdonald (46), Josh Gad (41), Aziz Ansari (39), Drew Barrymore (47), Jeri Ryan (54), Thomas Jane (53), Kyle MacLachlan (63), James Hong (93), Julie Walters (72), Sheila Hancock (89), Nigel Planer (69), Elliot Page (35), Jennifer Love Hewitt (43), Jordan Peele (43), Sophie Turner (26), Tuppence Middleton (35), Kelsey Grammer (67), Anthony Daniels (76), Charlotte Church (36), and Tyne Daly (76).

As  we all prepare for WWIII, or just amuse ourselves at how windy the wind is, there have been a few celebrity deaths. None are war related, nor were they squished by a flying trampoline, but the wind is still rather windy around here, so there is still hope… 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Ivan Reitman, 75, Czechoslovak-born Canadian film director (Ghostbusters, Meatballs, Kindergarten Cop) and producer.  
• Beryl Vertue, 90, English television producer (Men Behaving Badly, Sherlock, Jekyll), founder of Hartswood Films.  
• Jack Smethurst, 89, English actor (Love Thy Neighbour, Man About the House, King Ralph) and comedian.  
• Lindsey Pearlman, 43, American actress (Chicago Justice)
• David Brenner, 59, American film editor (Born on the Fourth of July, Man of Steel, Independence Day), Oscar winner (1990). 
• Jean-Luc Brunel, 75, French model scout, suicide by hanging.

In Other News

The Queen has spoken of feeling frail but remained in good spirits at her first appearance since a Covid scare in the family, and amid another turbulent week for the royals. Standing while using a walking stick, she pointed to her left leg or foot and remarked: “Well, as you can see, I can’t move,” during an official engagement at Windsor Castle. The Queen, 95, appears to have avoided catching Covid, having met the Prince of Wales last week shortly before he was confirmed as having tested positive for the virus. She was pictured greeting the Estonian ambassador who spoke to the monarch via video-link from Buckingham Palace. Also, her majesty received the Spanish ambassador over video-link. It comes after Prince Charles tested positive for Covid last week for the second time, having met the Queen earlier in the week. On Monday, the Duchess of Cornwall Camilla tested positive. Prince Charles, 73, and Camilla, 74, have both had two doses of a vaccine plus a booster dose.  

Adele Roberts has spoken out about her ‘shock’ cancer diagnosis and detailed the effects of her surgery to remove the tumour. The Radio 1 DJ, 42, revealed that she had been diagnosed with bowel cancer in an emotional post on October 24th, sharing the news a month after learning she had the disease. In her first live interview since the announcement, the I’m A Celebrity star appeared on Good Morning Britain to discuss her diagnosis. She explained: ‘It was a shock. I didn’t realise I could get cancer which I know sounds silly because I know now it can happen to anyone at any age. ‘I’m vegetarian. I’m healthy. I exercise.’ Describing the first warning signs, she said: ‘My digestion started to get a bit funny – after what we ate in the jungle I wasn’t surprised. I noticed when I went to the toilet things like mucus and then blood. I didn’t know whether to call the doctor because of Covid I didn’t want to bother anyone. But it got so consistent that I thought I’d better call up just in case.’ Despite all she’s been through, Adele remains positive and hopeful she’ll be back to her ‘normal self’ by the summer. She said: ‘I feel like I’ve not really taken it on board. I’m just trying to get through each day. The NHS have been awesome.  I’ve been able to get back on Radio One and I’m on chemotherapy. Hopefully by the middle of this year I’ll be back to my normal self.’   

Progress concerning Princess Charlene of Monaco’s ongoing recovery continues to be encouraging. Speaking to the local flying monkeys on Thursday, Prince Albert provided a brief update on his wife, saying, “Princess Charlene is doing much better, and I hope she will be back in the Principality very soon.” The prince’s remark comes three weeks after the most recent palace update, which described her recovery as “continuing in a satisfying and very encouraging way.” That statement, however, also stated her stay in a clinic would “still take several weeks.” Princess Charlene, who celebrated her 44th birthday in January, is currently receiving treatment outside of Monaco after suffering profound “exhaustion, both emotional and physical,” Prince Albert told the flying monkeys in November. After landing in South Africa last May for what was planned as a brief 10-day visit in her home country, complications from a previous ENT procedure grounded her for six months. A series of painful corrective surgeries and a subsequent relapse postponed her return to Monaco until early November to reunite with her husband and their children, Prince Jacques and Princess Gabriella. Upon her return, however, the princess exhibited signs of both emotional and physical exhaustion and in consultation with her doctors and family members, she decided to seek medical assistance. It was clear “she was unwell and felt uncomfortable” a palace source explains. For numerous reasons, it was determined a facility outside Monaco was preferential. Seeking treatment “elsewhere in Europe” was a solution that the princess already favoured, Albert said. Reports speculate the clinic she chose is located in Switzerland. Albert described Charlene’s decision as a voluntary choice. “She had already made her decision, and we only wanted her to confirm it in front of us. She wanted this. She already knew the best thing to do was to go and have a rest and have a real medically framed treatment,” he told the flying monkeys in November. In December, the palace shared that “it may take a few more months before her health has reached a full recovery.”

On This Day

• 1935 – Caroline Mikkelsen becomes the first woman to set foot in Antarctica.
• 1962 – Mercury program: While aboard Friendship 7, John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit the Earth, making three orbits in four hours, 55 minutes.
• 2003 – During a Great White concert in West Warwick, Rhode Island, a pyrotechnics display sets the Station nightclub ablaze, killing 100 and injuring over 200 others.

Deaths

• 1936 – Max Schreck, German actor (b. 1879).
• 1992 – Dick York, American actor (b. 1928).
• 1993 – Ferruccio Lamborghini, Italian businessman, founded Lamborghini (b. 1916).
• 2005 – Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist and author (b. 1937).

Most Murderous Murderer of Pakistan

Javed Iqbal Umayr  was a Pakistani serial killer and pederast who confessed to the sexual abuse and murder of 100 young boys, ranging in age from 6 to 16. Iqbal strangled the victims, dismembered the corpses and dissolved them in acid as a way to conceal the evidence. 

Iqbal was the sixth of eight children of his businessman father. He attended Government Islamia College, Railway Road Lahore as an intermediate student. In 1978, while still a student, he started a steel recasting business. Iqbal lived, along with boys, in a villa in Shadbagh which his father had purchased for him. 

In December 1999, Iqbal sent a letter to police and a Lahore newspaper chief news editor Khawar Naeem Hashmi confessing to the rape and murder of 100 runaway boys, all aged between 6 and 16. In the letter, he claimed to have strangled and dismembered the victims, mostly runaways and orphans living on the streets of Lahore, and disposed of their bodies using vats of hydrochloric acid. He then dumped the remains in a local river. 

Inside Iqbal’s house, police and reporters found bloodstains on the walls and floor, along with the chain with which Iqbal claimed to have strangled his victims and photographs of many of his victims in plastic bags. These items were neatly labelled with handwritten pamphlets. Two vats of acid with partially dissolved human remains were also left in the open for police to find, with a note claiming the bodies in the house have deliberately not been disposed of so that authorities will find them.

Iqbal confessed in his letter that he planned to drown himself in the Ravi River following his crimes but after unsuccessfully dragging the river with nets, police launched the largest manhunt in Pakistan history. Four accomplices, teenage boys who had shared Iqbal’s three-bedroom flat, were arrested in Sohawa. Within days, one of them died in police custody, with a post-mortem suggesting that force had been used against him; allegedly, he jumped from a window.

Iqbal’s motive for committing his murders was his infuriation at a perceived injustice at the hands of Lahore police who had arrested him on charges relating to an act of sodomy against a young runaway boy in the 1990s. No charges were brought in relation to this offence. His mother had “been forced to watch his decline” before suffering a fatal heart attack. He had therefore resolved to make 100 mothers cry for their sons as his mother had been forced to do for him before her death. 

It was a month before Iqbal turned himself in at the offices of the Daily Jang on 30th December 1999. He was subsequently arrested. He stated that he had surrendered to the newspaper because he feared for his life and was concerned that the police would kill him.

Iqbal was sentenced to death; the judge passed sentence saying “You will be strangled to death in front of the parents whose children you killed, your body will then be cut into 100 pieces and put in acid, the same way you killed the children.” The Interior Minister, Moinuddin Haider, contradicted the sentence by stating that Pakistan is a signatory of the Human Rights Commission, so “such punishments are not allowed.”

Iqbal hanged himself in his cell before the execution could be carried out, with another “accomplice” hanged in a nearby cell the same night.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Chelsea Peretti (44), Brenda Blethyn (76), Benedict Wong (52), Anthony Head (68), Rihanna (34), Cindy Crawford (56), Imogen Stubbs (61), Millie Bobby Brown (18), Benicio Del Toro (55), Jeff Daniels (67), Ophelia Lovibond (36), Ray Winstone (65), Leslie Ash (62), John Travolta (68), Molly Ringwald (54), Matt Dillon (58), Cybill Shepherd (72), Greta Scacchi (62), Dr. Dre (57), Yoko Ono (89), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (41), Lou Diamond Phillips (60), Michael Bay (57), Bonnie Wright (31), Dominic Purcell (52), Rory Kinnear (46), Paris Hilton (41), Brenda Fricker (77), Patricia Routledge (93), Ed Sheeran (31), Barry Humphries (88), Alejandro Jodorowsky (93), Michael Jordan (59), Elizabeth Olsen (33), Christopher Eccleston (58), LeVar Burton (65), Ice-T (64), Faran Tahir (59), Agyness Deyn (39), Amanda Holden (51), The Weeknd (32), John McEnroe (63), Alex Borstein (51), Jane Seymour (71), Matt Groening (68), Simon Pegg (52), Andrew Robinson (80), and Teller (74).

A fairly scant week on the deaths front, but I did find an interesting story to share below. I do think it may be time for a Flying Monkey incident. Fly my lovelies, fly! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Douglas Trumbull, 79, American special effects supervisor (2001: A Space Odyssey, Blade Runner) and film director (Silent Running), complications from mesothelioma.  
• Bamber Gascoigne, 87, British television presenter (University Challenge) and author (The Great Moghuls).  
• Ian McDonald, 75, English musician (King Crimson, Foreigner, Steve Hackett).  
• Betty Davis, 77, American funk and soul singer, cancer.  
• Isabel Torres, 52, Spanish actress (Veneno) and television presenter, lung cancer.

In Other News

The Queen’s recent Covid-19 scare has sparked debate over which royals should be allowed to step in for her if she is unable to fulfil her duties. Her Majesty is currently being “monitored” after it was revealed she was in close contact with Prince Charles two days before he tested positive with coronavirus. If the Queen cannot undertake her official duties, there are four potential royals who are Counsellors of State and appointed by Letters Patent who can fill in for her – Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Andrew and Prince Harry. Buckingham Palace refused to confirm whether the 95-year-old monarch had tested positive or negative for Covid, fuelling fears for her health, but palace sources insisted she was not displaying symptoms of the virus. Counsellors of State are appointed from among the following: the monarch’s consort (which was the late Prince Philip) and the four adults over the age of 21 next in succession. These are currently Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Harry and Prince Andrew. And since Charles contracted Covid yesterday and William abroad in Dubai, if both the Queen and Charles were too unwell to carry out duties, the role would have fallen to Andrew and Harry. However, Andrew has stepped back permanently from royal life while he fights a civil sexual assault case, while Harry is in the US having also quit as a senior working royal. Andrew and Harry remain in the line of succession, but the fact that Harry is out of the UK living in California could potentially disqualify him from a Counsellor of State role, although he could travel back to London if ever required. Former BBC royal correspondent Peter Hunt tweeted: “With Prince Charles isolating and Prince William abroad, is Prince Andrew limbering up in case he needs to be a Counsellor of State – or can Prince Harry do it, virtually?” But, in the event Counsellors of State were needed, he would only be one of the two required. Charles is understood not to have serious symptoms after testing positive on Thursday.    

Radio 2 presenter Rylan Clark has been rushed to hospital, which forced him to pull out of his BBC show for the second week in a row. It is not yet known why Rylan was taken to hospital, but last week, he told his followers he had the flu. The host, 33, has since revealed he is now back at home after “an extended stay” and will not be on the radio tomorrow. Sharing a picture of his arm fitted with a cannula, the star confirmed that he was “on the mend”.  He wrote: “Finally home after an extended trip to Costa del hospital. Slowly on the mend. “Won’t be on the wireless tomorrow. Resting up. Be back soon.” The former X Factor star usually presents Rylan On Saturday every week between 3-6pm, but his recent health troubles have prompted a bit of a shake-up. Last week, Rylan was also forced to pull out of his stint on the airwaves after coming down with the flu. He told his followers at the time: “Gone and got the flu (not surprised) been in bed for a couple of days. “Have lat tested and not Covid thankfully but won’t be able to go on the wireless tomorrow. Be back soon x.” Rylan recently opened up about his mental health issues following the breakdown of his marriage last year. The star revealed to The Flying Monkeys that he had lost a lot of weight during the ordeal, as he struggled to cope with splitting from his partner Dan Neal, 41, after five years together. During the tell-all interview, he admitted that his weight had plummeted to 9st 13lb and that he “didn’t deal with what happened”. He said: “I got ill and I lost weight, I went down to under ten stone — and I’m six feet four inches, so that’s not good. The honest truth is that it’s been shit,” he confessed. Rylan went on to explain that his family had been “majorly worried” about him and that he never usually “disappears for four months”, in reference to his career break amid the breakdown of his marriage. “One of my biggest regrets of this year was putting my mum through me not being well,” he said. “I needed to get back to me.”   

Rapper Kodak Black was shot in the leg while leaving a party held for Justin Bieber. The musician had been a guest at a Super Bowl weekend party at The Nice Guy, a restaurant in Los Angeles, on Friday night. According to reports by the flying monkeys, Kodak – real name Bill Kapri – was outside the restaurant with fellow rappers Gunna and Lil Baby in the early hours of Saturday morning. A fight broke out within the group, with Black reportedly attempting to punch someone when gunshots were heard by witnesses. “The fight was believed to have started with someone in Kodak Black’s entourage,” a source told the flying monkeys. “After others jumped in, shots were fired… and then all hell broke loose.” Police said that ten shots were fired during the altercations, with four men injured, including Black. One is said to have been shot in the shoulder, one the leg and one the buttocks, a source said, while photos showed a man covered in blood. Two of the men (a 19 and 60-year-old) were taken straight to the hospital from the scene. A 24-year-old (believed to be Black) and another man took themselves to hospital later. Two of the men are yet to be named by local authorities, but they are all said to be in a stable condition. The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed to the flying monkeys that no arrests had been made. The chief monkey has contacted Black’s representatives for comment. Sadly, Bieber was unscathed and he and his wife Hailey quickly left The Nice Guy after the shots were fired. Other attendees at the event, which had been an afterparty following a show by the “Peaches” singer, included Jeff Bezos, Drake, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Kendall Jenner and Khloe Kardashian. 

On This Day

• 1542 – Catherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII of England, is executed for adultery.
• 1960 – With the success of a nuclear test codenamed “Gerboise Bleue“, France becomes the fourth country to possess nuclear weapons.
• 2004 – The Harvard–Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics announces the discovery of the universe’s largest known diamond, white dwarf star BPM 37093. Astronomers named this star “Lucy” after The Beatles’ song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds“.

Deaths

• 1542 – Catherine Howard, English wife of Henry VIII of England (executed; b. 1521).
• 1883 – Richard Wagner, German composer (b. 1813).
• 1958 – Christabel Pankhurst, English activist, co-founded the Women’s Social and Political Union (b. 1880).

The Most Kissed Woman in the World

Nobody knows what her name was. We don’t know her age or background. How her life brought her to Paris, and left her drowned in the River Seine. But when her lifeless body was pulled from those murky waters in the late 19th century, the girl known forevermore as L’Inconnue de la Seine (the unknown woman of the Seine) began an amazing new story in death. 

This strange second chapter, a surreal postscript nobody could have ever predicted, ultimately helped save millions of lives, even after her own was cut so tragically short. Or was it? The exact history of what happened to L’Inconnue both before and after her fateful drowning is a matter of some debate – one shrouded in a frayed, fanciful Parisian legend. But what follows is the most commonly told version of a tale that’s now perhaps 150 years old. 

L’Inconnue, who is estimated to have been about 16 years old when she died, may have been a suicide. Nobody knows for sure, but there were no marks on her body, and many concluded she took her own life. After she was pulled out of the Seine, she was transported to the Paris mortuary, and put on public display alongside the bodies of other unknown dead for the purpose of identification. This grisly parade of nameless corpses was a popular diversion in its day. “There is not a single window in Paris that attracts more onlookers than this,” a contemporary account explains. Despite the crowds, however, nobody recognised L’Inconnue, or at least none came forward. But while she may never have been identified by the crowds who attended her corpse, that’s not to say she went unnoticed. 

Even in death her serene appearance turned heads. One of those heads belonged to an attendant at the mortuary, who – so the story goes – was so transfixed by her, he ordered a plaster cast to be made of her face. 

The mask was a hit. Before long, L’Inconnue’s alluring, deathly likeness was reproduced in facsimiles sold in souvenir shops across Paris, then Germany, and the rest of Europe. The mesmerising mask of this unknown dead girl – described by philosopher and author Albert Camus as the “drowned Mona Lisa” – became a coveted cultural icon. 

In time, L’Inconnue’s frozen half-smile rested on mantels and hung in drawing rooms all over the continent. She was positioned in artists’ workshops, gazed upon as a mute, motionless model. But it wasn’t just sketchers and painters who were captivated. Poets and novelists became entranced too. At some point, L’Inconnue turned into a kind of morbid meme for early 20th century writers, who contrived countless dramatic histories for this heartbroken heroine, engulfed by ill fortune and the weight of water. 

“The facts were so scarce that every writer could project what they wanted on to that smooth face,” museum archivist Hélène Pinet told The Flying Monkeys in 2007. “Death in water was a very romantic concept. Death, water, and woman was a tantalising combination.” One critic described her as “the erotic ideal of the period”, the aesthetic template for a “whole generation of German girls who modelled their looks on her”. 

Half a century after this explosion of fame and fascination was lit, L’Inconnue transformed into something else again – with the help of a man who was born decades after she died. 

His name was Asmund Laerdal, and he was a toy manufacturer from Norway. His company had started off in the early 1940s printing children’s books and calendars, before moving on to small toys made out of wood. After the war, Laerdal began to experiment with a new kind of material that had just entered mass production: plastic. Using this soft, malleable substance, he manufactured one of his most famous playthings: the ‘Anne’ doll, which in post-war Norway was acclaimed “toy of the year… with sleeping eyes and natural hair”. She might have been sleeping, but Anne wasn’t L’Inconnue. At least, not yet.

One day, Laerdal’s two-year-old son, Tore, nearly drowned. Had his father not rushed to intervene – pulling the limp boy from the water and forcing the water out of his airways – things would have turned out very differently. So when a group of anaesthesiologists approached Laerdal and told him they needed a doll to demonstrate a newly developed resuscitation technique – a procedure known as CPR – they found an attentive, receptive listener. 

With these researchers – including, most notably, the  Austrian physician Peter Safar, who had helped pioneer the CPR method – Laerdal embarked upon a history-making project: making a life-sized mannequin that people could use to practise life-saving techniques. For a toymaker accustomed to manufacturing miniature cars and play-dolls, it was a challenge to make a realistic, functional mannequin; one that could reliably demonstrate the physical complexities of cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Aside from the technical issues, what kind of face would he give to this giant doll? That’s when Laerdal recalled a strange, enigmatic half-smile. A serene mask he’d seen hanging on the wall at his in-laws’ house. It was, of course, L’Inconnue.

Laerdal kept the name of his Anne doll, but gave the new mannequin L’Inconnue’s face, along with a body of full sized adult dimensions – including a collapsible chest for practising compressions, and open lips to simulate mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

Laerdal felt it was important that the mannequin should be a female, suspecting that men in the 1960s would be reluctant to practise CPR on a male doll’s lips. The mannequin was given the name Resusci Anne (Rescue Anne); in America, she was known as CPR Annie.

Since she became available in the 1960s, Resusci Anne hasn’t been the only CPR mannequin on the market, but she is considered the first and most successful ‘patient simulator’ ever – responsible for helping hundreds of millions of people learn the basics of how to save a life with CPR. That incredible number, amassed over almost 60 years of live-giving mouth to mouth, is why Resusci Anne is often said to have the most-kissed face of anyone in history.

Today, the Laerdal company estimates that two million lives have been saved by CPR. Ironically, most of these rescues were the eventual result of people kneeling down and coming face to face with the replica of an unknown dead girl from Paris – a Jane Doe who perished long before the technique could ever have saved her. 

With time, the resuscitation replica became famous herself – separately from L’Inconnue and the bygone trends of late 19th century Paris. 

The lyric “Annie, are you OK?” from the Michael Jackson song “Smooth Criminal” actually stems from American CPR training, in which students practise speaking to their unresponsive plastic patient, CPR Annie. Today, however, many doubt that the flawless features of L’Inconnue’s mask could have ever come from a drowned girl – with skeptics suggesting that the face of a corpse, especially one retrieved from a river, would be misshapen, bloated, or scarred. Some say the mask we know may have instead been taken of a live model posing for a moulder – a beautiful face who later became somehow swept up in another girl’s legend.

L’Inconnue’s remains are thought to have been disposed of in an unmarked pauper’s grave, and police records from the era make no mention of this mysterious girl.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Neal McDonough (56), Mena Suvari (43), Sophia Lillis (20), Tony Dalton (47), Stockard Channing (78), Kim Novak (89), Christina Ricci (42), Josh Brolin (54), Michael Ironside (72), Arsenio Hall (66), Taylor Lautner (30), Natalie Dormer (40), Jennifer Aniston (53), Damian Lewis (51), Thomas Turgoose (30), Sheryl Crow (60), Stephanie Beatriz (41), Chloë Grace Moretz (25), Elizabeth Banks (48), Keeley Hawes (46), Laura Dern (55), Robert Wagner (92), Philip Glenister (59), Holly Willoughby (41), Rose Leslie (35), Tom Hiddleston (41), Michael B. Jordan (35), Ciarán Hinds (69), Joe Pesci (79), Amber Valletta (48), Mia Farrow (77), Mary Steenburgen (69), Seth Green (48), Nick Nolte (81), John Williams (90), James Spader (62), Deborah Ann Woll (37), Eddie Izzard (60), Ashton Kutcher (44), and Chris Rock (57).