Alas no points to award this week, but plenty to read if you feel so inclined. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Noel Duggan, 73, Irish musician (Clannad, The Duggans).  
• Mikaben, 41, Haitian singer, songwriter, and producer, cardiac arrest.  
• María Salud Ramírez Caballero, 109, Mexican centenarian, inspiration of Coco. 
• Joanna Simon, 85, American opera singer, thyroid cancer.  
• Lucy Simon, 82, American composer (The Secret Garden) and folk singer (The Simon Sisters), breast cancer.
• Ron Masak, 86, American actor (Murder, She Wrote, Tora! Tora! Tora!, Evel Knievel).  
• Josephine Melville, 61, British actress (EastEnders, The Bill).    
• Silvana Suárez, 64, Argentine beauty queen, Miss World (1978), colon cancer. 
• Bernard Atha, 94, English actor (Kes, Coronation Street) and politician, mayor of Leeds (2000–2001). 

In Other News

In a very sad development, Carly Simon lost both of her sisters this week, with Broadway composer Lucy Simon dying of breast cancer Thursday and former opera singer Joanna Simon passing from thyroid cancer on Wednesday. Both deaths were confirmed by a source close to pop superstar Carly. Lucy Simon was 82, Joanna Simon was 85. Born into wealth and a rarified atmosphere of celebrity and literati to Simon & Schuster publisher Richard Simon and wife Andrea, the Simon sisters – their brother Peter was the youngest sibling – would all find their ways to success in professional music careers. Carly Simon would become one of pop music’s most successful and commercially viable of the era’s singer-songrwriters, with hits including “That’s The Way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be” and “Anticipation” in 1971, and, the following year, her smash signature tune “You’re So Vain,” which endures on classic pop radio and as an object of debate over the mystery man of the lyrics. Lucy and Joanna Simon were predeceased by their brother, the photographer Peter Simon, who died of cardiac arrest at age 71 in 2018 after battling cancer. 

Where and when you die certainly elevates your newsworthiness it seems. Actress, director and writer Josephine Melville has died backstage after performing in a play. Nottingham Playhouse said Ms Melville died on Thursday after appearing in a production of Nine Night. The venue said she was treated by paramedics and a medically qualified audience member but died at the scene. Her acting credits included parts in EastEnders, The Bill and Casualty along with several theatre roles. She portrayed Tessa Parker – girlfriend of Kelvin Carpenter – for eight episodes of EastEnders in 1986 and earlier this year appeared in the video for Ella Henderson’s single Brave. 

Not to be outdone, singer and music producer Mikaben has tragically died after video footage surfaced showing him suddenly collapsing mid-show in Paris. Michael Benjamin, affectionately known as Mikaben, died at the age of 41. The singer had been performing onstage in Paris with the Haitian konpa band CaRiMi when he reportedly collapsed. The incident unfolded live on Twitter, with Frantz Duval – editor of a Haitian newspaper – first alerting fans that something was wrong. Singer Mickael Guirand then told fans to clear out. “End of the concert. We must evacuate the room,” Guirand said. “It’s very complicated. We need prayers.” Video footage from the concert shows Mikaben walking offstage when he suddenly collapses to the ground. The venue was cleared while he was being tended, with reports indicating that he was given CPR. An official cause of death has not been revealed.    

Robbie Coltrane’s cause of death has been revealed. The Harry Potter, James Bond and Cracker actor died on 14th October, aged 72. His agent of 40 years, Belinda Wright, announced the news, thanking the medical staff at Forth Valley Royal Hospital in Larbert, near Falkirk in Scotland, for their “care and diplomacy”. According to multiple reports, Coltrane died from multiple organ failure. According to the actor’s death certificate, the actor, who played Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter franchise, had been suffering from sepsis, lower respiratory tract infection and heart block. News of the actor’s death led to tributes from the world of Hollywood, including his co-stars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint. Harry Potter fans also shared a poignant clip from the film series’s 20th anniversary, Return to Hogwarts, which aired in January 2022. While discussing its legacy, a tearful Coltrane said: “I just think it’s the end of an era, 10 years of my life. My children have grown up during it, of course. The legacy of the movies is that my children’s generation will show them to their children. He added: “So, you could be watching it in 50 years’ time, easy… I’ll not be here, sadly… but Hagrid will, yes.” Coltrane, who was born Anthony Robert McMillan, is survived by his sister Annie Rae, his children Spencer and Alice, and their mother Rhona Gemmell.

On This Day

• 1989 – An explosion at the Houston Chemical Complex in Pasadena, Texas, which registered a 3.5 on the Richter magnitude scale, kills 23 and injures 314.
• 2001 – Apple Computer releases the iPod.
• 2002 – Chechen separatist terrorists seize the House of Culture theatre in Moscow and take approximately 700 theatre-goers hostage. Doesn’t end well…

Deaths

• 42 BC – Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger, Roman general and politician (b. 85 BC)
• 1915 – W. G. Grace, English cricketer and physician (b. 1848)
• 1921 – John Boyd Dunlop, Scottish businessman, founded Dunlop Rubber (b. 1840)
• 1950 – Al Jolson, Lithuanian-American actor and singer (b. 1886)
• 2001 – Josh Kirby, English illustrator (b. 1928)
• 2014 – Alvin Stardust, English singer and actor (b. 1942)
• 2016 – Pete Burns, English singer-songwriter (b. 1959)

A nice night out at the Theatre

The Moscow theatre hostage crisis was the seizure of the crowded Dubrovka Theatre by 40 to 50 armed Chechen terrorists on 23rd October 2002, which involved 850 hostages and ended with the death of at least 170 people. The attackers, led by Movsar Barayev, claimed allegiance to the Islamist separatist movement in Chechnya. They demanded the withdrawal of Russian forces from Chechnya and an end to the Second Chechen War.  

Due to the layout of the theatre, special forces would have had to fight through 30 metres  of corridor and advance up a well-defended staircase before they could reach the hall in which the hostages were held. The attackers had numerous explosives, with the most powerful in the centre of the auditorium. Spetsnaz operators from Federal Security Service (FSB) Alpha and Vympel, supported by a Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs (MVD) SOBR unit, pumped an undisclosed chemical agent into the building’s ventilation system and began the rescue operation. 

The Chechens, some of whom were equipped with gas masks, responded by firing blindly at the Russian positions outside. After thirty minutes, when the gas had taken effect, a physical assault on the building commenced. The combined forces entered through numerous building openings, including the roof, the basement, and finally the front door.

When the shooting began, the terrorists told their hostages to lean forward in the theatere seats and cover their heads behind the seats. Hostages reported that some people in the audience fell asleep, and some of the gunmen put on respirators. As the terrorists and hostages alike began to fall unconscious, several of the female terrorists made a dash for the balcony but passed out before they reached the stairs. They were later found shot dead. Two of the Spetsnaz Alpha Group were also overcome by the gas.

After nearly one and a half hours of sporadic gun battles, the Russian special forces blew open the doors to the main hall and poured into the auditorium. In a fierce firefight, the federals killed most of the hostage-takers, both those still awake and those who had succumbed to the gas.

According to the Russian government, fighting between the troops and the still-conscious Chechen fighters continued in other parts of the building for another 30 minutes to one hour. Initial reports stated that three terrorists were captured alive (the BBC reported that a “handful of surviving fighters were led away in handcuffs”) and two of them managed to escape. Later, the government claimed that all hostage-takers had been killed in the storming.

Alpha team troops said that “this is our first successful operation in years”. Moskovskij Komsomolets cited a Russian special forces operative saying that “if it were a usual storming, we’d have had 150 casualties among our men, added to the hostages. 

All 40 of the insurgents were killed, an estimated 130 hostages died during the siege, including 9 foreigners, due to the toxic substance pumped into the theatre. The identity of the gas was not disclosed at the time, although it was believed by some to have been a Fentanyl derivative, such as Carfentanil. 

The number of estimated casualties varies widely because many hostages remained unaccounted for and were not included in the official list. Some estimates have put the civilian death toll at more than 200 with 204 names on one list, or even 300, including people who died during the year after the siege from complications from the poison gas. Some former hostages and relatives of the victims claim that the death toll from the chemical agent is being kept secret. According to official numbers, 40 terrorists and about 130 hostages died during the raid or in the following days. 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Ryan Reynolds (46), Emilia Clarke (36), Sam Raimi (63), ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic (63), Christopher Lloyd (84), Bob Odenkirk (60), Jeff Goldblum (70), Saffron Burrows (50), Catherine Deneuve (79), Derek Jacobi (84), Jesse Tyler Ferguson (47), Andrew Scott (46), Everett McGill (77), Kim Kardashian (42), Ken Watanabe (63), Viggo Mortensen (64), Danny Boyle (66), Snoop Dogg (51), Rebecca Ferguson (39), John Lithgow (77), Jon Favreau (56), Zac Efron (35), Jean-Claude Van Damme (62), Felicity Jones (39), Matthew Macfadyen (48), Michael McKean (75), Mark Gatiss (56), George Wendt (74), and Eminem (50).

Points!!!! With the tragic passing of Angela Lansbury, Sarah, Gwenan, Paula, Nickie, Fiona, Millie & Paul G score 54 points, however Debbie scores 154 as she had her down as her Woman. Well done everyone! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Eileen Ryan, 94, American actress (Magnolia, Parenthood, Benny & Joon).  
• Michael Callan, 86, American actor (West Side Story, Cat Ballou, Gidget Goes Hawaiian), pneumonia. 
• Dame Angela Lansbury, 96, British-American-Irish actress (The Manchurian Candidate, Sweeney Todd, Murder, She Wrote). 
• Willie Spence, 23, American singer (American Idol), traffic collision.  
• Steve Roberts, 68, British drummer (U.K. Subs), suicide.  
• Robbie Coltrane, 72, Scottish actor (Harry Potter, Cracker, GoldenEye) and comedian. 
• Ted White, 96, American stuntman (Escape from New York, Road House) and actor (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter).  

In Other News

Former Coronation Street and Emmerdale star Chris Fountain has revealed that he suffered a mini stroke. The actor, 35, said he was left “speaking like a toddler” after he woke up one morning in August and was unable to speak properly. Fountain told the flying monkeys that he spent five days in a London hospital and was left fearing “life as I knew it was over”. Fountain was diagnosed with a Transient Ischaemic Attack (TIA), which is also known as a mini stroke, after a blood clot was lodged in his brain. While he has regained 90 per cent of his speech, the actor revealed he will now have to work with a speech therapist to relearn how to read aloud and not to stumble over his words. “I woke up one morning and knew something wasn’t right. My mum called me and I just couldn’t get my words out,” he told the flying monkeys. “I started walking round my house looking at things and I could think what the word was, like television or fridge, but I couldn’t say it. I called 111 on my mum’s advice and they sent an ambulance for me, it was so scary.” Fountain added that he felt “stupid” because he knew exactly what he wanted to say to the doctors but he “couldn’t get the words out”. “When the doctors confirmed I’d had a TIA and said the word stroke, I just couldn’t believe it, there was a moment of sheer panic just fearing what it meant for the rest of my life. Would I have another one? Would the next one be even worse and I’d lose the use of my arms or legs? I was really scared and just broke down in tears,” he added. Fountain was initially admitted to Homerton University Hospital but was later transferred to the specialist stroke unit at The Royal London Hospital. “The doctors said they saw some damage to the left hand side of my brain which is where your cognitive abilities are controlled from,” he continued. “What’s scary is if I hadn’t have called 111 when I did and got to hospital so quickly I don’t know if that clot could have travelled to the wrong place in my brain, I could have died. That clot was like a ticking bomb in my head.”  

BBC presenter George Alagiah will be taking a break from TV after discovering his cancer has spread further, his agent has said. He was first diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer in 2014 and has stepped back from presenting intermittently for treatment since then. The journalist, 66, returned to the BBC’s News at Six in April. Working in the newsroom “has been such an important part of keeping energised and motivated”, said Alagiah. In a statement, he said “it’s back to the tough stuff” after a scan showed his cancer had spread further. “I’m missing my colleagues”, he said, adding that he was looking forward to returning to the studio “as soon as I can”. The news was confirmed by his agent Mary Greenham. In January, Alagiah said he thought the cancer he had had since 2014 would “probably get me in the end”, but he still feels “very lucky”. Speaking on the podcast Desperately Seeking Wisdom he said that when his cancer was first diagnosed, it took a while for him to understand what he “needed to do”. “I had to stop and say, Hang on a minute. If the full stop came now, would my life have been a failure? And actually, when I look back and I looked at my journey… the family I had, the opportunities my family had, the great good fortune to bump into (Frances Robathan), who’s now been my wife and lover for all these years, the kids that we brought up… it didn’t feel like a failure.” Alagiah underwent 17 rounds of chemotherapy to treat his advanced bowel cancer in 2014 and said he was a “richer person” for it upon returning to presenting the following year. As well as presenting the news, Alagiah has worked as a BBC News foreign correspondent and specialist on Africa and the developing world, covering events including the Rwandan genocide and interviewing Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

On This Day

• 1793 – French Revolution: Queen Marie Antoinette is executed.  
• 1834 – Much of the ancient structure of the Palace of Westminster in London burns to the ground.  
• 1846 – William T. G. Morton administers ether anaesthesia during a surgical operation.  
• 1869 – The Cardiff Giant, one of the most famous American hoaxes, is “discovered”.  
• 1962 – Cuban Missile Crisis begins: U.S. President John F. Kennedy is informed of photos showing nuclear missiles (the crisis will last for 13 days starting from this point).  
• 1964 – China detonates its first nuclear weapon.  
• 1968 – Tommie Smith and John Carlos are ejected from the US Olympic team for participating in the Olympics Black Power salute. 
• 1975 – Three-year-old Rahima Banu, from Bangladesh, is the last known case of naturally occurring smallpox.

Deaths

• 1793 – Marie Antoinette, Austrian-born queen consort of Louis XVI of France (b. 1755) 
• 2007 – Deborah Kerr, Scottish actress (b. 1921) 
• 2017 – Sean Hughes, British-born Irish stand-up comedian (b. 1965)

Celebrity wills and dying wishes

Everyone has a dying wish. For many, that means managing money beyond the grave. Wills are pretty important, and it’s good to ensure you pass something on to your loved ones. That said, many celebs have unusual wills and dying wishes.

Alexander McQueen: The innovative fashion designer loved his dogs, and left a reported $75,000 to them. 

Tupac Shakur: On his track, ‘Black Jesus,’ the rapper asked for friends to smoke his ashes. Members of his crew, Outlawz, followed through with this request. 

Leona Helmsley: The flamboyant businesswoman left $10 million to her brother, and $5 million to her grandsons. Meanwhile her dog, Maltese, received $12 million.  

William Shakespeare: The legendary writer left a strange present to his wife, Anne Hathaway. He left his “second best bed” for his wife—that’s right, his second best. 

Harry Houdini: Houdini was an iconic magician, and kept the tricks coming from the afterlife. His wife was instructed to hold séances every year on his death date, October 31st. 

Napoleon: After his death, Napoleon asked for his head to be shaved, and his hair divided among friends. 

Gene Roddenberry: The ‘Star Trek’ creator asked for his ashes to be sent into space. This was done in 1997. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Apparently, the actor didn’t want “trust fund kids,” so he left everything to his girlfriend Mimi O’Donnell. 

Janis Joplin: Joplin was a wild superstar, and didn’t want a miserable funeral. Instead, she left around US$2,500 for her friends to have an all-night party.  

William Randolph Hearst: Mr. Hearst was an influential magazine mogul. In his will, he offered just one dollar to anyone who could prove they were his child. 

Dusty Springfield: Springfield had some curious requests for her cat, Nicholas. She asked for him to be fed baby food, given a tree house, and to be serenaded by Springfield’s records.  Adam Yauch: In his will, the Beastie Boy asked that neither his image or music should be used for advertising. 

Mickey Rooney: Once a star, Mickey Rooney only had around $80,000 before he passed away. The actor left none of it to his wife and children.

Jeremy Bentham: The philosopher asked that his body be stuffed with hay, and put on display in London. You can still see him there today. 

Fred Baur: Baur invented the Pringles can, and asked that he be buried in one. His family agreed. 

Oprah Winfrey: Winfrey will apparently leave $30 million to her dogs. 

Bill Gates: The entire Gates fortune will not be left to his children, but his children will receive a small portion of $10 million. 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Angela Lansbury (97), Tim Robbins (64), Suzanne Somers (76), Gary Kemp (63), Dominic West (53), Ncuti Gatwa (30), Steve Coogan (57), Sacha Baron Cohen (51), Christopher Judge (58), Himesh Patel (32), Chris Carter (66), Hugh Jackman (54), Hiroyuki Sanada (62), Josh Hutcherson (30), Robin Askwith (72), Emily Deschanel (46), Claudia Black (50), Michelle Trachtenberg (37), Joan Cusack (60), Jane Krakowski (54), Stephen Moyer (53), John Nettles (79), Dawn French (65), Rose McIver (34), Dan Stevens (40), Charles Dance (76), Manu Bennett (53), Sarah Lancashire (58), and Martin Kemp (61).

Lets start this weeks newsletter by dispensing some points! Congratulations go to Laura for correctly guessing Loretta Lynn, 60 points! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Raymond Allen, 82, British television screenwriter (Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, Comedy Playhouse, The Little and Large Show). 
• Loretta Lynn, 90, American country singer-songwriter (“Coal Miner’s Daughter“, “You Ain’t Woman Enough (To Take My Man)“, “The Pill“).  
• Lenny Lipton, 82, American poet and lyricist (“Puff, the Magic Dragon“), brain cancer.  
• John Henry Ramirez, 38, American convicted murderer, lethal injection.  
• Ivy Jo Hunter, 82, American songwriter (“Behind a Painted Smile“, “Loving You Is Sweeter Than Ever“, “Dancing in the Street“).  
• Sara Lee, 30, American professional wrestler (WWE).  
• Jody Miller, 80, American country singer (“Queen of the House“), complications from Parkinson’s disease. 
• Judy Tenuta, 72, American comedian, actress (The Weird Al Show, Going Down in LA-LA Land, There’s No Such Thing as Vampires), and musician, ovarian cancer.    
• Peter Tobin, 76, Scottish serial killer.  

In Other News

Convicted paedophile Rolf Harris is “gravely ill” with neck cancer and receiving around-the-clock care, the flying monkeys have reported. The disgraced entertainer is unable to eat and only receives medical professionals at home. Harris was jailed for sexual offences in 2014 and released three years later under licence. His victims included two girls in their early teens and his daughter’s friend. Harris, 92, is now reported to be suffering from ill health that requires 24-hour care. “Only carers and nurses, who care for him 24 hours, come and go,” one of his Berkshire neighbours, Portia Wooderson,“I’m told he can’t eat anymore.” William Merritt, a private investigator who wrote a book on Harris’ trials, told the Flying Mokeys: “As far as his health goes, yes, he is very ill. But, Rolf keeps going. He’s still around but he’s not well at all.“ In 2019, two years after Harris was released from prison, reports suggested the convicted paedophile’s health had “declined rapidly”. Several years before, Harris was rushed to hospital in 2016 with suspected sepsis while serving his sentence at Stafford jail, which is specifically for men convicted of sex offences. He has not spoken in public since his release from prison. The 92-year-old was convicted of 12 indecent assaults spanning nearly two decades – 1968 to 1986 – at London’s Southwark Crown Court in 2014. One of these convictions was later quashed. He was stripped of his CBE – which he received after painting Queen Elizabeth II’s portrait – following his conviction.  

Necrophiliac murderer David Fuller, who sexually abused dead bodies in hospital mortuaries, has been charged with 16 further sexual offences. Fuller, 68, received two whole life sentences in December 2021 after admitting sexually assaulting at least 102 female corpses while working as an electrician in a hospital morgue. He filmed himself abusing the corpses, including a nine-year-old girl, two 16-year-olds, and a 100-year-old woman, over 12 years before his arrest in December 2020. He also beat and strangled Wendy Knell, 25, and Caroline Pierce, 20, to death before sexually assaulting them in two separate attacks in Tunbridge Wells, Kent, in 1987. The pensioner received the life sentences on December 15th 2021, after pleading guilty at Maidstone Crown Court to their murders, as well as 51 other offences, including 44 charges relating to 78 victims in mortuaries between 2008 and November 2020. His crimes first came to light after he was linked to one of Britain’s longest unsolved double killings more than 30 years ago. During the investigation, Fuller was linked to the 30-year cold cases by a DNA breakthrough that then led police to his stash of sickening recordings of himself abusing corpses. Now police have brought a further 16 charges against him in relation to sexual offences committed in a mortuary setting. Kent Police said on Tuesday: ‘An investigation by the Kent and Essex Serious Crime Directorate has led to evidence which relates to a total of 101 victims in these mortuary settings. ‘The latest charges are connected to the 23 remaining victims, of all whom were deceased adult females. They cover a period between 2007 and 2020.’ Fuller will appear via video link before Medway Magistrates’ Court on Thursday facing 12 charges of sexual penetration of a corpse and four charges in relation to possession of extreme pornography. Nice chap! 

On This Day

• 1604 – Kepler’s Supernova is the most recent supernova to be observed within the Milky Way.
• 1967 – A day after his capture, Ernesto “Che” Guevara is executed for attempting to incite a revolution in Bolivia.
• 1981 – President François Mitterrand abolishes capital punishment in France.
• 2012 – Pakistani Taliban attempt to assassinate outspoken schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai.

Deaths

• 1911 – Jack Daniel, American businessman, founded Jack Daniel’s (b. 1849)
• 1967 – Che Guevara, Argentinian-Cuban physician, politician & guerrilla leader (b. 1928)
• 1967 – Joseph Pilates, German-American fitness trainer, developed Pilates (b. 1883)
• 1974 – Oskar Schindler, Czech-German businessman (b. 1908)
• 1995 – Alec Douglas-Home, British politician, P.M. of the United Kingdom (b. 1903)
• 2006 – Paul Hunter, English snooker player (b. 1978)
• 2015 – Geoffrey Howe, Welsh lawyer and politician, Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1926)

Last Meals

John Henry Ramirez was executed this week, ten years after being convicted of murder, but unlike most death row inmates, he was not granted his final meal. The 38-year-old was killed by lethal injection at Huntsville State Penitentiary in Texas on Wednesday.

In 2009, he was sentenced to death for the murder of Pablo Castro, who he killed for just $1.25 during a violent robbery in 2004. 

Unfortunately for Ramirez he was unlucky enough to be charged in Texas, where Death Row inmates are no longer allowed to take part in the tradition since former prisoner Lawrence Russell Brewer, a white supremacist murderer, who was jailed alongside three other men for killing James Byrd Jr. by dragging him along behind a pick-up truck for three miles along a road. When his execution date came, he ordered a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger, three fajitas, one pound of barbecue and a half loaf of white bread, pizza meat lover’s special, one pint of ‘homemade vanilla’ Blue Bell ice cream, one slab of peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts and three root beers. However, when it was served to him, he didn’t eat a bite, saying he wasn’t hungry.

That led to Texas senator John Whitmire ending the 87-year-old tradition, ordering everyone on death row to eat what everyone else ate. 

One request Ramirez did get, however, was to have a priest present and praying at his execution. His wish was ultimately granted by the Supreme Court, who ruled that denying the killer a priest would be a violation of his rights under the First Amendment. 

Before the lethal injection was administered, Ramirez also spoke directly to Castro’s family.

“I just want to say to the family of Pablo Castro, I appreciate everything that y’all did to try and communicate with me through the Victim’s Advocacy program,” he said. “I tried to reply back, but there is nothing that I could have said or done that would have helped you. I have regret and remorse. This is such a heinous act. I hope this finds you comfort. If this helps you, then I am glad. I hope in some shape or form this helps you find closure.” 

He was pronounced dead at 6:41 p.m. CT, 14 minutes after the injection of pentobarbital began.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Guillermo del Toro (58), Scott Bakula (68), Chris O’Dowd (43), Brandon Routh (43), Tony Shalhoub (69), Brian Blessed (86), Sharon Osbourne (70), Sigourney Weaver (73), Matt Damon (52), Chevy Chase (79), Kristanna Loken (43), Paul Hogan (83), Ardal O’Hanlon (57), Karyn Parsons (56), Jesse Jackson (81), R.L. Stine (79), Bruno Mars (37), Shawn Ashmore (43), Aaron Ashmore (43), Tim Minchin (47), Simon Cowell (63), Vladimir Putin (70), Thom Yorke (54), Elisabeth Shue (59), Emily Mortimer (51), Ioan Gruffudd (49), Britt Ekland (80), Kate Winslet (47), Guy Pearce (55), Jesse Eisenberg (39), Karen Allen (71), Clive Barker (70), Diane Morgan (47), Glynis Johns (99), Stephanie Cole (81), Alicia Silverstone (46), Dakota Johnson (33), Susan Sarandon (76), Christoph Waltz (66), Melissa Benoist (34), Liev Schreiber (55), Sarah Lancashire (58), Nick Mohammed (42), Lena Headey (49), Alicia Vikander(34), Neve Campbell (49), Denis Villeneuve (55), Seann William Scott (46), Clive Owen (58), Tommy Lee (60), and Gwen Stefani (53).

Last week we found out that The Queen died of old age, a very technical assessment there. I suspect the coroner had to use all of their training and experience to write that down on the report! However, the flying monkeys have worked their magic and found out that it was an overdose of marmalade and complications from the constant imbibing of gin. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Kitten Natividad, 74, Mexican-American actress (Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens, Night Patrol, Takin’ It All Off) and exotic dancer.  
• Coolio, 59, American rapper (“Gangsta’s Paradise“, “Fantastic Voyage“, “C U When U Get There“. 
• Audrey Evans, 97, British-born American oncologist and philanthropist, co-founder of Ronald McDonald House Charities. 
• Arlene Bashnett, 103, American internet celebrity (Gramma and Ginga). 

In Other News

Oasis guitarist Paul Arthurs – better known by his stage name Bonehead – has given fans a promising update on his cancer status after undergoing treatment in June. The musician – who had been playing as part of Liam Gallagher’s live band – was diagnosed with tonsil cancer earlier this year. In a new update, shared on Twitter on Thursday, Bonehead wrote: “I had a full scan 10 days ago and it’s all clear, it’s gone. Thank you so much all of you for the messages I’ve had throughout, you’ve helped more than you know,” he said, further thanking the team at The Christie NHS foundation. “Into recovery now and see you all soon,” he added. Gallagher celebrated the news, writing on Twitter: “Yes Bonehead, we knew you’d kick its arse. Sooooo fucking happy Guinness.” The good news comes shortly after his course of treatment in June, which included radiotherapy and chemotherapy sessions. At the time, he told fans: “I’m feeling the pain right now but I’m in recovery and things can only get better from here.” He had undergone the treatment at The Christie NHS Foundation Trust in Manchester. Bonehead was a founding member of Oasis. He announced he was leaving the group in 1999, during the recording of Oasis’s fourth album, Standing on the Shoulder of Giants, explaining that he wished to spend more time with his family. He continued to work with Liam Gallagher over the years, and had been scheduled to perform with him this summer.  

The Alarm frontman Mike Peters has confirmed that his cancer has returned in an emotional message to his fans. The musician made an announcement on the bands social media page last week. The rocker 63, suffers from chronic lymphocytic leukaemia – and has also been battling pneumonia since May. Sadly two weeks ago doctors confirmed that his leukaemia was “running out of control.” He has now been admitted to the North Wales Cancer Centre for immediate treatment, but so dedicated he is to his music that he even has his guitar with him on the hospital ward, in case inspiration strikes. In an emotional Facebook post, in which he thanked his wife Jules, who has also battled cancer in the past, the singer said: “I am writing today, to let you all know that my leukaemia (CLL), has relapsed and I have been admitted to The North Wales Cancer Centre for immediate treatment. I have already started on a brand new chemotherapy regime and so I wanted you to know personally, that my life living with cancer is about to change for the foreseeable future. My immediate aim is to get fit and well for The Gathering in January 2023. We’ve had so many of our greatest shows in Llandudno and celebrated many important milestones (including one of the most emotional nights ever in 2006), when I took to the stage in my green camo jacket and was overcome by the love and affection shown to me, by all present. I want you to know that I am going to beat this disease once more and be ready, willing and able to hit the stage at Venue Cymru on January 27th 2023.  

Bob Mortimer, 63, sparked concerns over the weekend after he was rushed to hospital with an unknown illness. The hospital dash comes after the comedian required triple heart bypass surgery in 2015 when his heart was stopped for 32 minutes. Now, Bob has broken his silence on his health woes as he admitted he is “not very healthy at the moment”. Speaking on Richard Herring’s podcast at the Leicester Square Theatre on Monday night, Bob revealed he was rushed to hospital on Saturday after a busy week. He said: “I am not very well. I am not very healthy at the moment. I did a show last week, a fishing show and there was only two and a half days filming. I did it Tuesday, Wednesday and half of Thursday and I was in hospital on the Saturday.” Bob added: “I am sorry I should not have said that should I? It’s a real downer.” As reported by the flying monkeys, Bob explained his theory that his health issues stemmed from his body ageing. He said: “I think because I was a smoker and an incredibly fast runner and a very dramatic dancer and I put that all in my younger years. I think I am about 10 years ahead of myself with my body ageing.” Bob explained he also suffers from rheumatoid arthritis – a long-term condition that causes pain, swelling and stiffness in the joints. He said: “In my mid-twenties I got struck down with rheumatoid arthritis. I just woke up and it was like, ‘bang’. I have been free of it since I have been 34 and it came back 10 days ago. It is really sad for me to know whether it will go. Yes I might be fat but actually I am on steroids. Rheumatoid arthritis generally happens when your immune system attacks your joints, but I’ve had it attack my iris. I got eye-arthritis. The worst one was arthritis in me b**s – I had that when we were filming Big Night Out!” Bob recounted. Bob also revealed that he “hardly” does any exercise because of his painful joints, despite recommendations by the Arthritis Foundation, who stated that “exercise helps ease the pain of rheumatoid arthritis”.

On This Day

• 1928 – The “Prelature of the Holy Cross and the Work of God”, commonly known as Opus Dei, is founded.
• 2004 – The first parkrun, then known as the Bushy Park Time Trial, takes place in Bushy Park, London, UK.
• 2018 – The Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi is assassinated in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Turkey.

Deaths

• 1803 – Samuel Adams, American politician, Governor of Massachusetts (b. 1722)
• 1985 – Rock Hudson, American actor (b. 1925)
• 1988 – Alec Issigonis, English car designer, designed the Mini (b. 1906)
• 2017 – Tom Petty, American musician (b. 1950)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Lorraine Bracco (68), Avery Brooks (74), Sting (71), Brie Larson (33), Julie Andrews (87), Zach Galifianakis (53), Harry Hill (58), Ezra Miller (30), Monica Bellucci (58), Kieran Culkin (40), Marion Cotillard (47), Omid Djalili (57), Zachary Levi (42), Erika Eleniak (53), Ian McShane (80), Halsey (28), Mackenzie Crook (51), Luke Goss (54), Matt Goss (54), James Lance (47), Patricia Hodge (76), Naomi Watts (54), Mira Sorvino (55), Hilary Duff (35), Brigitte Bardot (88), Dita Von Teese (50), Kiran Shah (66), Indira Varma (49), Gwyneth Paltrow (50), Avril Lavigne (38), Linda Hamilton (66), Lysette Anthony (59), and Serena Williams (41).

Once more we look at a week gone past, however no points to award this week. A very collaborative newsletter this week, thanks to everyone who chipped in, keep sending in your submissions! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Anna Thynn, Marchioness of Bath, 78, Hungarian-born British actress (Therese and Isabelle, The House of the Missing Girls, Zeta One).  
• Cherry Valentine, 28, English drag queen (RuPaul’s Drag Race UK, Cherry Valentine: Gypsy Queen and Proud). 
• John Hamblin, 87, English-born Australian television presenter (Play School) and actor (The Restless Years). 
• John Hartman, 72, American drummer (The Doobie Brothers). 
• Dame Hilary Mantel, 70, British author (Wolf Hall, Bring Up the Bodies, The Mirror & the Light), complications from a stroke. 
• Louise Fletcher, 88, American actress (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Brainstorm). 

In Other News

Monty Python star Eric Idle has revealed he survived “one of the most lethal” cancers, after receiving a rare early diagnosis. The 79-year-old comedian and writer, who helped found the Monty Python comedy troupe in 1969, made the disclosure in a recent op-ed. “About three years ago I was incredibly lucky: I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer,” Idle explained to the Flying Monkeys. “Lucky? One of the most lethal forms of cancer, how on earth was that lucky? Well, because it was found incredibly early.” He jokingly added: “No, not before lunchtime, but before it had gone anywhere.” Idle recalled how he had asked his friend, Doctor David Kipper, “the quickest way to die” while conducting research for a play about a writer who is penning a musical about death when he discovers he is about to die. In 2019, the same friend, who specialises in preventative medicine, helped diagnose Idle with pancreatic cancer. After undergoing surgery at Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles, Kipper told him: “Well, you’re in very good shape. The cancer hasn’t recurred. You should have about 10 years.”  

Post Malone has been admitted to hospital after “having a very difficult time breathing”. Last week, the White Iverson rapper tripped over on stage, bruising his ribs in the process. While he reassured fans that “everything is good” following the incident, on Saturday, Post cancelled his concert at the TD Garden in Boston at the last minute. In a post shared to his Instagram Story on Saturday, the musician wrote that he was struggling to breathe and experiencing “a stabbing pain whenever I breathe or move”. “Boston, I love y’all so fucking much,” Post wrote. “On tour, I usually wake up around 4 o’clock PM, and today I woke up to a cracking sound on the right side of my body. I felt so good last night, but today it felt so different than it has before. I’m having a very difficult time breathing, and there’s like a stabbing pain whenever I breathe or move.” He continued: “We’re in the hospital now, but with this pain, I can’t do the show tonight. I’m so fucking sorry,” explaining that the show would be rescheduled. “Once again, I’m so fucking sorry,” he added. “I love y’all so much. I feel terrible, but I promise I’m going to make this up to you. I love you Boston, I’ll see you soon.” Post was performing at the Enterprise Center in St Louis earlier this month when he fell into a gap on the stage used for transporting equipment and hit his chest. The show was paused for several minutes as the rapper, real name Austin Richard Post, was being examined by the medics. “[It] winded me pretty good. Got me pretty good. We just got back from the hospital and everything’s good,” he initially explained. “Everything’s good. They gave me some pain meds and everything and we can keep kicking ass on the tour.” Malone’s manager Dre London also issued an update about his health at the time, saying that the rapper “didn’t break three ribs last nite thank god”.  

A new lead has raised hopes of a breakthrough in the hunt for the body of murdered British backpacker Peter Falconio just hours after his mother begged for help. Mr Falconio, 28, was shot dead by drug-runner Bradley Murdoch in 2001 who then tried to abduct his girlfriend Joanne Lees before she escaped and raised the alarm. But the backpacker’s body has never been found – and his mother pleaded on Friday for ‘anyone with a conscience’ to help locate his remains. Now a possible new witness has come forward to reveal he spotted a ute like the killer’s parked ‘in an odd place’ by a culvert and a bridge 24 hours after the murder. The new sighting has raised hopes it could lead to the discovery of the backpacker’s remains and end the 21-year-old mystery. The startling new evidence was revealed after South Australian politician Frank Pangallo demanded a $1million reward for information leading police to the body. ‘I received an email this morning from somebody who was in the area the day after the murder,’ the SA-BEST member of South Australia’s legislative council revealed. ‘He said he had spotted a vehicle that was similar to the one that Murdoch was using and it was parked on the side of a road near a culvert and a bridge. ‘He remembered going past it and saying it was unusual that the the driver was parked in that position. He did alert police at the time but heard nothing more. I’ll certainly pass that on to police to see if they’ll go there in person to check it out.’ The stunning development came just hours after the Australian Flying Monkeys revealed police had mounted a five-day search of an outback well in 2019 in the hunt for the remains. They pumped 15m of water out of the remote waterhole, just 1km from the murder scene near Barrow Creek, 300km north of Alice Springs, but sadly found nothing. Now Mr Falconio’s parents Joan, 75, and Luciano, 80, have appealed for fresh information to keep the hunt alive for their son’s remains. ‘We want to bring Peter home where he belongs near his family,’ his mother said. ‘Our pain is always with us. He was murdered 21 years ago, aged just 28 years. His life stopped on a lonely road – the Stuart Highway on July 14th, 2001. Shot dead by cowardly Murdoch, who will not reveal where or what he did with him.’ She added: ‘Peter has a beautiful niece and two lovely nephews who he never got to see or know. I am appealing to anyone with a conscience to help me – however small – to tell me where he was put.’ The renewed appeal comes in the week when Mr Falconio would have turned 50 last Tuesday, but police are no closer to knowing where his body was dumped. Murdoch was convicted of the murder and is now serving life in Darwin Correctional Centre – but he has refused to give up where he dumped Mr Falconio’s body. He could be eligible for parole in 10 years but will never walk free without revealing the location under the NT’s ‘no body no release’ laws.  Police believe he hid the remains somewhere in the sprawling desert between Alice Springs and Broome, 1,700km away in Western Australia.

On This Day

• 1959 – Solomon Bandaranaike, Prime Minister of Sri Lanka, is mortally wounded by a Buddhist monk, Talduwe Somarama, and dies the next day.
• 1983 – Thirty-eight IRA prisoners, armed with six handguns, hijack a prison meals lorry and smash their way out of the Maze Prison.
• 2018 – Bill Cosby is sentenced to three to ten years in prison for aggravated sexual assault.

Deaths

• 1984 – Walter Pidgeon, Canadian-American actor (b. 1897)
• 1987 – Mary Astor, American actress (b. 1906)
• 1991 – Klaus Barbie, German SS captain, known as the “Butcher of Lyon” (b. 1913)
• 2012 – Andy Williams, American singer (b. 1927)

Deadly Ends by Neil G.

I’m fairly sure that most of us would agree that death sentences, while a sure source for our yearly lists, should no longer have a place in our society. Personally, I think knowing that I was to have my freedom taken, and to be for the rest of my life caged, is a far worse sentence than death. Although the methods used by and large in this day and age, are much more “humane” than those practiced in the past.

• Lethal injection (when the American State can afford the good drugs), is quick and painless, or so we’re told.
• Hanging, the science now perfected, the knot of the noose now placed in such a way that the neck is broken at the end of the drop.
• For sure there is that split second of terror for the hanged, but death is at least quick.
• Electric chair is, when done correctly (not the dry sponge execution of the Green Mile), effective. Huge power bills, but the savings made on death row…

But what of the methods used in days gone by, how do they compare? The Medieval period spanned the time between the fall of the Roman Empire to approximately the beginning of the Renaissance. It was during this time we humans got really creative with our methods of putting someone to death. For sure we could have used some of this creativeness to imagine ourselves a much more peaceful and enlightened existence, but where’s the fun it that?

Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered

One death sentence we would all be familiar with is being Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered. If not made keenly familiar about what it is to be high treasonous each 5^th of November by Guido Fawkes, the last man to enter Westminster with honest intentions. We can fall back on the English hating Australian, Mel Gibson, portrayal of a certain Sir William Wallace. Albeit taking some artistic licence with actual facts surrounding Wallace’s life. Although, it’s fair to say that Longshanks was probably a bit of a c**t. This sentence, mainly reserved for the crime of high treason, involved stages which lead to the eventual execution. The doomed would be hanged to the point of death, often several times. Being allowed to recover enough to fully experience the remainder of the sentence. Being Drawn was to be dragged through the streets behind a horse to the eventual place of your death, often you would be drawn behind the horse before being hanged. Finally, it was time for the quartering. This was more gruesome than it sounds, the body of the damned was as the name suggests, quartered. The separate parts sent to the far reaches of the kingdom as a warning to other would-be treasonous snakes. However, it would start with the victim being castrated and disembowelled, having the removed parts tossed into a fire while you were still alive to see them burned. Eventually you were decapitated, and only then were you limbed and sent packing. All the while a baying crowd watched on, beating Match of the Day in the entertainment stakes. Amazingly being Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered was only outlawed in the UK in 1803!  Although David Tyrie (another Scotsman) in 1782 was the last person to be hanged, drawn, and quartered in the UK.

Beheading

Viewed during the times as a more humane form of capital punishment. Often reserved for nobility and royals, was not without issue, at least until it was perfected by the practitioner. Early forms of Medieval beheading were carried out with an axe, until (it’s believed) William the Conqueror introduced the more efficient method of beheading by sword. The doomed instructed to stand or kneel upright as a block to rest the neck upon was deemed to impede the stroke of the sword. Beheading continued well past the Middle Ages, the last person beheaded in England was Simon, Lord Lovat in 1747. Prior to losing his head there were some other notables in the history of British beheading: Mary, Queen of Scots, said to be grateful of her beheading after 19 long years of imprisonment. Anne Boleyn, who was lucky enough to have an expert swordsman from France come to do the deed. Not so lucky Margret Pole, who in 1541 was beheaded-ish by axe, said to be executed by a “blundering youth”, who “hacked her head and shoulders to pieces”. This form of execution was said to be painless, however draw your own conclusions: Dr. Beaurieux of France (where else with a name like that), conducted an experiment on guillotined murderer Albert Fournier in 1920. After the head had been separated from the body, Dr. Beaurieux waited for the post beheading, nervous spasmodic movements to cease (about 5-6 seconds). Then in the Dr.’s own words: “It was then that I called in a strong, sharp voice: ‘Languille’ I saw the eyelids slowly lift up, without any spasmodic contractions.” Continuing, “Next Languille’s eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves. I was not, then, dealing with the sort of vague dull look without any expression, that can be observed any day in dying people to whom one speaks: I was dealing with undeniably living eyes which were looking at me.” Beaurieux called out a second time, observing that Languille fixed his eyes upon the Dr.’s even more sharply than the first time. However, a third time elicited no response, because by now Languille was certainly dead. The whole experiment lasting 25-30 seconds. Despite this experiment, the last death by beheading in France was carried out in 1977.

Crushing with Weights

Although this cruel punishment was not actually intended to be an execution, rather, it was designed as a method of extracting a confession from the accused. Unfortunately the side effect of placing up to 800lbs (363 kilos) on a person’s chest often caused them a very painful death. One victim of this crushing punishment was a woman by the name of Margaret Clitherow, charged with the most heinous of crimes: Harbouring priests and practicing Catholicism. In 1586 she was taken to a public bridge and stripped naked in front of the watching crowd, described by onlookers as an “obscene shaming ritual”. Her limbs tied with ropes and stretched out spread eagle. A door was then placed upon her, and weights added. At any point she could have entered a plea of guilty or not guilty and the weights would have been removed. Her trial would then have begun (of which she would have almost certainly been found guilty and executed). However, she refused. When the total weight placed upon her reached 800lbs, her spine snapped, and her ribs burst from her skin. She was named a saint by the Catholic Church in 1970 for her sufferings. One of the more famous deaths by crushing occurred during the Salem Witch Trials in 1692. It has been estimated that up to 200 people were accused of witchcraft, leading to a special court being formed that resulted in 20 executions. Farmer Giles Corey was among the accused, he probably brought this upon himself for being a notorious apple thief a couple of decades earlier. The de-cider of his death? He refused to stand trial and the “authorities” ordered a crushing in the hopes that he would finally enter a plea. So, they stripped him naked (again, what’s with the naked thing?), and placed a board upon his chest. Corey was well aware how this would play out; he could plead his innocence and face trial where he would have almost certainly been found guilty and executed. Or he could choose to keep his dignity and die by crushing. If he did this, it would also allow his living relatives to keep his land (as he would have died without charge). Throughout the crushing Giles did nothing but ask for “more weight”, knowing that it would bring about a quicker end. This however did not happen as his body held out for 2 full days before he died. The practice of crushing was finally outlawed in England in 1772.

Gibbeting

This was the practice of placing criminals in human shaped cages, hung high (often 30ft) for display. Often, they were executed prior to the gibbeting, but in extreme cases they were locked in the cage while still alive and left to die from exposure and/or starvation. This was a powerful tool to use as a deterrent to crime, the horrifying sight of an immobile human caged and left to, then “reeking” when dead. The carcass nothing more than a feed for crows and maggots. Its use was popular in Britain during the 1740’s, but this torturous form of death had been in use across Europe for many years previous. Gibbeting did not happen often, but its effect on the community left big impressions. So much so that it was mandated for convicted murderers in the 1752 Murder act, the act requiring that “bodies be either publicly dissected or gibbeted”. Bodies were often left in the gibbets for years. Interestingly, women were spared from the gibbet, the female convicts’ bodies were often given to surgeons and anatomists. Between 1752 and 1832, 134 men were gibbeted, this form of execution finally being outlawed in 1834.

Death by Impalement

There was no human more enthusiastic about this type of execution than happy, hippy, sticky man, Vlad the Impaler! So keen was he to “stick” it to his enemies, that his lust for this gruesome method of execution inspired the legend of Count Dracula. Dying by impalement was not a quick way to die, more a prolonged torture proceeding an inevitable death. The stake would only be partially sharpened and planted into the ground; the victim then placed onto the spike. Men would be skewered though the anus, women their vagina. The stake was semi-greased (the little pleasures in death) and would slowly force its way through the victims’ body before exiting near the neck, throat, or shoulders. In some case the spike was left purposely blunt to ensure impalement took hours or even days to prolong the torture more. Records show impalement occurred as early as 1772 B.C. and continued as recently as the 20^th century, when employed by the Ottoman government during the Armenian genocide. Vlad, however, is still the Poke ‘em On king. He was estimated to have killed 80,000 people, in various ways, but approximately 20,000 of them impaled and placed on display on the outskirts of the city of Targoviste. So affective was this display that an invading Ottoman Sultan, Mehmed II, immediately turned his army around after witnessing this sight… I wonder, where did 20^th century Ottoman government get its idea for impalement from?

So, the poor souls on death row, if given a choice in their method of demise, would probably choose what’s on offer to them now, over a death by previous age methods. In an age of “enlightenment” perhaps our Deadpool list certs should not be executed at all? A conversation for another day. But it remains that humans are ever so inventive when it comes to “offing” other humans. Some methods of “offing” others omitted from the above are: Immurement (the stuff of nightmares), burning at the stake, death by elephant (it’s true), being boiled alive (save it for the lobsters), and many, many more.

Well, I hope you sleep well Deadpoolers, and happy dreaming. I’m off to enjoy a bloody stake and chips at my local.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Will Smith (54), Clea DuVall (45), Catherine Zeta-Jones (53), Mark Hamill (71), Michael Douglas (78), Heather Locklear (61), Michael Madsen (65), Felicity Kendal (76), Kevin Sorbo (64), Kate Fleetwood (50), Sven-Ole Thorsen (78), Anthony Mackie (44), Tatiana Maslany (37), Tom Felton (35), Billie Piper (40), Nick Cave (65), Ruth Jones (56), Joan Jett (64), Sue Perkins (53), David Wenham (57), Bill Murray (72), Luke Wilson (51), Stephen King (75), Alfonso Ribeiro (51), Jon Bernthal (46), Sophia Loren (88), Moon Bloodgood (47), George R.R. Martin (74), Michelle Visage (54), Danielle Panabaker (35), Jeremy Irons (74), David McCallum (89), Twiggy (73), and Jimmy Fallon (48).