If you remember back in February, you all nearly lost your ‘first death of the year’ points, well, now you have. I had a bit of time on my hands last week to go through the lists looking for people I missed, and lo and behold I missed that I had Carole Cook, who died on the 11th January, thus trumping Lucile Randon who died on the 17th January. Sorry folks, got to steal your points back! 

But it doesn’t end there, on the off chance I double checked if they had got around to listing Amber McLaughlin, who was executed on 3rd January, and Fuck Me, they have!!! 

So a little bit of jiggery-pokery has to be undertaken to straighten out the scores. Apologies everyone, but got to do it right. So, Jamie now gets the first death bonus points and all of you who had Randon unfortunately lose 50 points. However, this does open up the league table as it gives a the rest of us a chance to catch up. Oh what fun!  

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Elizabeth Hubbard, 89, American actress (The Doctors, As the World Turns, Ordinary People), cancer.  
• Michael Lerner, 81, American actor (Barton Fink, Eight Men Out, Elf). 
• Judith Miller, 71, British antiques expert and broadcaster (Antiques Roadshow). 
• Richard Ng, 83, Hong Kong actor (The Private Eyes, Winners and Sinners, Beyond the Sunset), cardiac arrest. 
• Anne Perry, 84, British author (Thomas Pitt, William Monk) and convicted murderer.  
• Louis Gaskin, 56, American convicted murderer, execution by lethal injection. 
• Bryn Parry, 66, British cartoonist and charity worker, co-founder of Help for Heroes, pancreatic cancer. 
• Dame Mary Quant, 93, British fashion designer.  
• Mark Sheehan, 46, Irish guitarist (The Script) and songwriter (“Breakeven“, “Hall of Fame“). 
• Garn Stephens, 87, American actress (Phyllis, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, The Sunshine Boys). 

In Other News

Gene Simmons was forced to take a seat when he became ill on stage during a recent Kiss concert in Brazil. The rock band performed in Manaus, Brazil on Wednesday. During the show, however, Simmons, 73, had to pause the show before sitting down for the remainder of the performance. In videos posted by fans, singer and guitarist Paul Stanley can be heard asking the crowd to show their support for Simmons. “Hold on, Hold on,” said Stanley, 71. “We’re gonna have to stop.” He continued: “We know how much you love Gene, and he’s obviously sick. We’re gonna have to stop to take care of him, because we love him, right? Let’s give Gene a really loud, ‘Gene!’ One, two, three – Gene!” The performance was paused for five minutes before Simmons returned to the stage with a chair. Staying seated, he continued to perform the band’s song “Say Yeah”. The Flying Monkeys  have reached out to a representative of Simmons for comment. Kiss are currently on their farewell tour, End of the Road, which was announced in 2018. Last month, the band announced they would return to the US from October till December. They plan to call it quits after two back-to-back shows at Madison Square Garden in New York at the end of 2023. 

An ex-Neighbours star has left fans bewildered after details of her recovery from aggressive stage four breast cancer have been shrouded in mystery. They rallied around Australian actress Kate Keltie, 37, when she revealed she had been diagnosed with the illness last November, and helped her raise almost $37,000 AUD on a GoFundMe appeal. However, last month, after she revealed her recovery on the website, her words were removed and the account was deactivated and deleted from public view. She has declined requests to tell her story, prompting former co-stars to appeal to the actress-turned-recruitment consultant to share her ‘amazing story of how she beat the cancer’. A Neighbours source said: ‘It would just be really nice to hear a little bit more about her story, it’s amazing. She was a big part of the Neighbours family and while not everyone is in touch any more, we all wish her well.’ Ms Keltie, who played Michelle Scully for five years from 1999 when she was 13 as the on-screen sister of Holly Valance’s character Flick, shocked fans when she revealed she had the disease last November. She said it had spread to other parts of her body, including her lymph nodes, blood and hip bone. She explained that she was about to start chemotherapy. Fans and her former colleagues immediately gave to her fund which was orchestrated by her financier cousin, Ebony Gilbert. Appealing to people to donate, she wrote: ‘Given the severity of the chemotherapy that Kate requires, her oncologist advised that working and maintaining her job during this time is not an option. She will lose her gorgeous hair and cannot carry children in the future.’ Ms Keltie went on to be treated at the Peter Mac cancer centre in her hometown of Melbourne. But just four months later friends and family were overjoyed when Ms Keltie updated her GoFundMe page to say she had to ‘share some incredible news’ that she was now cancer-free. She wrote: ‘I recently received results of my latest scan and was told that there had been a complete metabolic response to diseased areas. ‘The last six months have been the most challenging time I have ever experienced, to say the least… I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you. Your support played a huge part in my navigating this horrible time.’

Sarah Beeny has revealed that she has been given the all-clear by doctors after being diagnosed with cancer last year. The TV presenter and property expert, 51, was  diagnosed with breast cancer in August. Appearing on Lorraine alongside her two sons, Billy and Raffy, the Help! My House is Falling Down star told host Christine Lampard that the last few months had been a “rollercoaster ride”. “But I feel very fortunate that I had the diagnosis that I did, and that I live in 2023 and that I’m the age that I am. So many things I’m fortunate for, so I feel very blessed,” she said. Asked how she feels after being given the all-clear, Beeny, who lost her mother to breast cancer when she was 10 years old, replied: “Weird. It’s good but it’s weird.” She continued: “They kind of go, ‘That’s it then, that’s the end of that’. And you kind of go, ‘How do you know?’ and they go ‘We don’t, we just kind of think so’.” Beeny, who received chemotherapy, said she would have to take medication for the next 10 years and remain “very vigilant”. “But, yeah, it’s been a weird ride that I wouldn’t wish on anyone else but I’m glad I did it rather than somebody else,” she added. Beeny also thanked the NHS and staff at Yeovil Hospital and the Royal Marsden Hospital for treating her. Her family will appear in a new series of Sarah Beeny’s New Life In The Country, which was filmed before her diagnosis. 

Approximately 18,000 cows were killed in a blast at a Texas dairy farm earlier this week, according to local authorities. The explosion, at South Fork Dairy near the town of Dimmitt, also left one person in critical condition. Authorities believe that machinery in the facility may have ignited methane gas (cow farts). Nearly three million farm animals died in fires across the US between 2018 and 2021. In a statement, the Castro County Sheriff’s Office said they received a report of a fire at the farm at about 7:21 PM on 10th April. Photos posted by the Sheriff’s Office show a huge plume of black smoke rising from the ground. When police and emergency personnel arrived at the scene, they found one person trapped who had to be rescued and flown to hospital in critical condition. While the exact figure of cows that were killed by fire and smoke remains unknown, a spokeswoman for the Castro County Sheriff’s Office told the Flying Monkeys that “an estimated 18,000 head of cattle have been lost”. Castro County Sheriff Sal Rivera said that most of the cattle were lost after the blaze spread to an area in which cows were held before being taken to a milking area and then into a holding pen. “There’s some that survived,” he was quoted as saying. “There’s some that are probably injured to the point where they’ll have to be destroyed.” Mr Rivera said that investigators believe the fire may have started with a machine referred to as a “honey badger”, which he described as “vacuum that sucks the manure and water out”. “Possibly it got overheated and probably the methane and things like that ignited and spread out and exploded,” he said. In a statement sent to the Flying Monkeys, the Washington DC-based Animal Welfare Institute said that – if confirmed – a death toll of 18,000 cows would be “by far” the deadliest barn fire involving cattle since it began keeping statistics in 2013. “We hope the industry will remain focused on this issue and strongly encourage farms to adopt common sense fire safety measures,” said Allie Granger, policy associate for AWI’s farm animal program. “It is hard to imagine anything worse than being burned alive.” According to the AWI, nearly 6.5m farm animals have been killed in barn fires since 2013, of which about 6m were chickens and about 7,300 were cows. Between 2018 and 2021, nearly 3 million farm animals died in fire, with 1.76m chickens dying in the six largest fires over that time period. You can say one thing about the Texans, they certainly know how to BBQ. 

On This Day

• 1912 – Harriet Quimby becomes the first woman to fly an airplane across the English Channel.
• 1943 – Albert Hofmann accidentally discovers the hallucinogenic effects of the research drug LSD. He intentionally takes the drug three days later on April 19^th.
• 1947 – An explosion on board a freighter in port causes Texas City to catch fire, killing almost 600.
• 2016 – Ecuador’s worst earthquake in nearly 40 years kills 676 and injures 6,274.

Deaths

• 1828 – Francisco Goya, Spanish-French painter and illustrator (b. 1746).
• 1850 – Marie Tussaud, French-English sculptor, founded the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum (b. 1761).
• 1991 – David Lean, English director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1908).
• 2021 – Helen McCrory, British actress (b. 1968).

Heavenly Creatures 

With the death of Anne Perry this week, I thought it might be interesting to remind ourselves of her life. 

Perry (born Juliet Marion Hulme) was a British writer best known as the author of the Thomas Pitt and William Monk series of historical detective fiction.

In 1994, it became public knowledge that Perry had been convicted for murder as a teenager. In 1954, at the age of fifteen, she and her 16-year-old friend Pauline Parker had been convicted of the murder of Parker’s mother, Honorah Rieper in Christchurch, New Zealand. After serving a five-year sentence for the murder, she changed her name and returned to the United Kingdom. She was identified by journalists following the release of the movie Heavenly Creatures, directed by Peter Jackson, in which Kate Winslet portrays Hulme (Perry). 

Born in London, the daughter of physicist Henry Rainsford Hulme, Perry was diagnosed with tuberculosis as a child and sent to the Caribbean, South Africa, and New Zealand in hopes that a warmer climate would improve her health. She rejoined her family after her father took a position as rector of Canterbury University College in New Zealand. She attended Christchurch Girls’ High School. 

In June 1954, at the age of 15, Hulme and her best friend Pauline Parker murdered Parker’s mother, Honorah Rieper. Hulme’s parents were in the process of separating and she was supposed to go to South Africa to stay with a relative. The two teenage friends, who had created a complicated fantasy life together populated with celebrities such as Mario Lanza and James Mason, did not want to be separated.

On the 22nd June 1954, the girls and Rieper went for a walk in Victoria Park in the Port Hills of Christchurch. On an isolated path Hulme dropped an ornamental stone so that Rieper would lean over to retrieve it. Parker had planned to hit her mother with half a brick wrapped in a stocking. The girls presumed that one blow would kill her but it took more than 20.

Parker and Hulme stood trial in Christchurch in 1954 and were found guilty. As they were too young to be considered for the death penalty under New Zealand law at the time, they were convicted and sentenced to be “detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure”. They were released separately five years later. As of today, Parker and Hulme were not believed to have had any contact since the trial.

The events formed the basis for the 1994 film Heavenly Creatures, in which Melanie Lynskey portrayed a teenage Pauline Parker and Kate Winslet the teenaged Juliet Hulme. At the time of the film’s release, it was not generally known that mystery author Anne Perry was Juliet Hulme; her identity was made public after journalists tracked her down some months after the film’s release. Although some presumed Hulme and Parker’s relationship to be sexual, Perry stated in 2006 that, while the relationship was obsessive, the two “were never lesbians”. 

After being released from prison in November 1959, Hulme returned to England and became a flight attendant. For a period she lived in the United States, where she joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1968. She later settled in the Scottish village of Portmahomack where she lived with her mother. Her father had a distinguished scientific career, heading the British hydrogen bomb programme.

Hulme took the name Anne Perry, using her stepfather’s surname. Her first novel, The Cater Street Hangman, was published under this name in 1979. Her works generally fall into one of several categories of genre fiction, including historical murder mysteries and detective fiction. Many feature recurring characters, most importantly Thomas Pitt, who appeared in her first novel, and amnesiac private investigator William Monk, who first appeared in her 1990 novel The Face of a Stranger.

After Perry’s identity as Hulme was revealed in 1994, she said: 

“It seemed so unfair. Everything I had worked to achieve as a decent member of society was threatened. And once again my life was being interpreted by someone else. It had happened in court when, as a minor, I wasn’t allowed to speak and I heard all these lies being told. And now there was a film, but nobody had bothered to talk to me. I knew nothing about it until the day before release. All I could think of was that my life would fall apart and that it might kill my mother.”

She continued writing and said that she was surprised that her friends stuck by her despite the revelation of her identity and the ensuing media attention.

In 2017, Perry left Scotland and moved to Los Angeles in order to more effectively promote films based on her novels.^[ She had a heart attack in December 2022, and died at a hospital in Los Angeles on 10th April 2023, aged 84. Her final novel, The Fourth Enemy, was published the week before her death.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Anya Taylor-Joy (27), Gina Carano (41), Sadie Sink (21), Ellen Barkin (69), Claire Foy (39), Martin Lawrence (58), Luke Evans (44), Emma Watson (33), Seth Rogen (41), Emma Thompson (64), Maisie Williams (26), Adrien Brody (50), Sarah Michelle Gellar (46), Rob McElhenney (46), Robert Carlyle (62), Julie Christie (83), Peter Capaldi (65), Ron Perlman (73), Edward Fox (86), Peter Davison (72), Saoirse Ronan (29), Jennifer Morrison (44), Claire Danes (44), Ed O’Neill (77), Shannen Doherty (52), Andy Garcia (67), Nicholas Brendon (52), David Letterman (76), Tricia Helfer (49), Milly Alcock (23), Jeremy Clarkson (63), Matt Ryan (42), Daisy Ridley (31), Charlie Hunnam (43), David Harbour (48), Steven Seagal (71), Haley Joel Osment (35), and Peter MacNicol (69).

POINTS!!! With the death of Nigel Lawson, Paul G scores 59 points! Well done that man! Hope you’re all enjoying your bank holiday weekend! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Bushwhacker Butch, 78, New Zealand professional wrestler (WWF, WWC, PNW).  
• Max Crabtree, 90, English professional wrestler and promoter (Joint Promotions). 
• Vladlen Tatarsky, 40, Russian blogger, explosion. 
• Andrew Laing, British drummer (Cockney Rejects).  
• Nigel Lawson, Baron Lawson of Blaby, 91, British politician, MP (1974–1992) and member of the House of Lords (1992–2022), chancellor of the Exchequer (1983–1989). 
• Bob Lee, 43, American tech executive, founder of Cash App, stabbed.  
• Bill Butler, 101, American cinematographer (Jaws, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Grease). 
• Paul Cattermole, 46, English singer (S Club 7).   
• Nicola Heywood-Thomas, 67, Welsh broadcaster and journalist. 
• Norman Reynolds, 89, British production designer (Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire of the Sun), Oscar winner. 
• Ian Bairnson, 69, Scottish musician (The Alan Parsons Project, Pilot, Kate Bush). 
• Rachel Pollack, 77, American science fiction writer (Unquenchable Fire, Doom Patrol), Hodgkin lymphoma.  
• Gareth Richards, 41, British comedian and radio host, injuries sustained in a traffic collision.

In Other News

Italy’s former prime minister Silvio Berlusconi is being treated for a type of chronic leukaemia, hospital doctors in Milan have confirmed. He was rushed to intensive care on Wednesday with breathing problems and doctors said he was suffering from a related lung infection. The four-time prime minister and media mogul, Mr Berlusconi, 86, still leads his party and is an elected senator. But he has had repeated health problems since he contracted Covid-19 in 2020. Colleagues have expressed hope that he will still be able to return to front-line politics as he continues to lead Forza Italia, a centre-right junior partner in Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni’s coalition. “We want to be optimistic,” said Antonio Tajani, Italy’s foreign minister and one of the most senior figures in Mr Berlusconi’s Forza Italia party. As Italians waited for more details, the billionaire media tycoon’s younger brother, Paolo, told reporters the family was now feeling confident: “We’re more relieved, there’s an improvement.” Mr Berlusconi also took phone calls from the prime minister and fellow coalition ally Matteo Salvini, reports said. He has combined politics with a business career at the helm of a media empire. He last served as prime minister in 2011, although his latter years in power became overshadowed by sex and corruption scandals. He was elected to Italy’s upper house, the Senate, last September but has repeatedly required hospital treatment. He returned to hospital in Milan on Wednesday only six days after he was discharged following days of check-ups. His personal doctor, Alberto Zangrillo, said his lung infection was related to a chronic blood condition that he had borne for some time but that it had not yet become acute. Earlier reports said he had begun chemotherapy to fight the leukaemia. “He’s stable. He’s a rock. He’s going to make it this time too.” said his younger brother Paolo Berlusconi earlier. His return to hospital has caused concern in Italy and politicians from across the spectrum have wished him well.  

A “drunk” skier has plunged 130 feet to his death in the French Alps after crashing through the window of a gondola. The 29-year-old and another man, aged 23, were filming themselves in the ski lift as they came down the mountain at the Deux Alpes just before it closed on Saturday evening, said Grenoble prosecutor Eric Vaillant. During the 12-minute journey, the older man, who was 6ft 2in tall and weighed more than 100 kilograms, smashed through the plexiglass window and fell to his death. “One option is that he was completely drunk and running for fun against the windows of the cabin,” French police told The Flying Monkeys. The Grenoble prosecutor’s office also confirmed reports that the man landed on a piste marker, and said it had asked police to investigate his death. “Two young men aged 29 and 23, drunk, were messing around in the gondola and the 29-year-old crossed the plexiglass wall and fell 40m to death. The scene was filmed by his friend with his phone,” said Mr Vaillant, in a statement issued in French. The gondola will be examined by investigators, Mr Vaillant said, as the resort’s director denied any responsibility for the incident. “These cabins are designed for 20 people!” said the director of the Deux Alpes resort, Fabrice Boutet. “If there’s movement caused by abrupt braking or something else, the entire cabin is designed to withstand any shocks that may occur … this stupid accident was caused by him gaining momentum and throwing himself against the plexiglass.” The man fell from the Jandri Express 1 ski lift, according to Grenoble-based newspaper Le Dauphiné libéré, which broke the news of the incident. The gondola was built in 1985 and is capable of carrying up to 1,800 people an hour as it travels nearly a kilometre to a height of 2,603 metres above sea level. Les Deux Alpes is France’s highest ski resort, boasting a summit of 3,600 metres. A total of 12 people died in the French mountains during the 2021-22 ski season, according to the French National Mountain Safety Observation System. More than 45,000 people were treated for injuries while emergency services attended around 50,000 incidents. Research by insurance firm Direct Line in 2019 suggested that more than 1,000 British people per day injure themselves on skiing holidays after consuming alcohol, with 3.8 million people reporting alcohol-related injuries on the slopes in the five years prior. You just can’t cure stupid! 

On This Day

• 1860 – On his phonautograph machine, Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville makes the oldest known recording of an audible human voice.
• 1969 – The first British-built Concorde 002 makes its maiden flight from Filton to RAF Fairford.
• 2017 – After refusing to give up his seat on an overbooked United Express flight, Dr. David Dao Duy Anh is forcibly dragged off the flight by aviation security officers, leading to major criticism of United Airlines.

Deaths

• 1978 – Clough Williams-Ellis, English-Welsh architect, designed Portmeirion (b. 1883).
• 2011 – Sidney Lumet, American director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1924).
• 2021 – Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (b. 1921).

How to Live Beyond 100

Ever fancied living to be a supercentenarian?? Seems that living a clean life and staying off the fags and booze doesn’t make much difference. 

In a new scientific study, centenarians may possess a unique immune system that remains functional in extreme old age, helping them achieve exceptional longevity.

This rare population of individuals who reach 100 years or more have a distinct composition of immune cells that provides them with highly functional immune systems, said researchers, from the Boston University School of Medicine.

Previous studies have shown that one of the defining characteristics of ageing is a decline in the proper functioning of the immune system.

Immune cells are behind important mechanisms to recover from disease, promoting longevity.

In the study, published recently in the journal EBioMedicine, researchers performed single cell sequencing to assess the molecules in peripheral blood mononuclear cells (PBMCs) – a broad category of immune cells circulating in the blood – taken from seven centenarians. The centenarians were part of the New England Centenarian Study, one of the largest studies of individuals in North America who have lived longer.

Researchers then used advanced computational techniques to analyse how the proportion of different cell types and their internal activities change with age.

They identified cell type-specific composition and function changes that are unique to centenarians, reflecting normal immune response with age.

“We assembled and analysed what is, to our knowledge, the largest single-cell dataset of centenarian subjects that allowed us to define unique features of this population that support the identification of molecular and lifestyle factors contributing to their longevity,” explained study senior author Stefano Monti.

“Our data support the hypothesis that centenarians have protective factors that enable to recover from disease and reach extreme old ages,” said Tanya Karagiannis, another author of the study.

Scientists said that as people are exposed to infections and recover from them over their lifetime, their immune systems learn to adapt. This ability, however, usually declines with age.

“The immune profiles that we observed in the centenarians confirms a long history of exposure to infections and capacity to recover from them and provide support to the hypothesis that centenarians are enriched for protective factors that increase their ability to recover from infections,” said senior author Paola Sebastiani. 

Researchers believe the findings provide a foundation to better understand the mechanisms driving immune resilience with age – a factor that likely contributes to extreme longevity.

“Centenarians, and their exceptional longevity, provide a ‘blueprint’ for how we might live more productive, healthy lives. We hope to continue to learn everything we can about resilience against disease and the extension of one’s health span,” study senior author George J Murphy said.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Kristen Stewart (33), Elle Fanning (25), Dennis Quaid (69), Mark Pellegrino (58), Cynthia Nixon (57), Katee Sackhoff (43), Patricia Arquette (55), Robin Wright (57), Dean Norris (60), Russell Crowe (59), Ed Speleers (35), Jackie Chan (69), Francis Ford Coppola (84), Zach Braff (48), Paul Rudd (54), Michael Rooker (68), John Ratzenberger (76), Billy Dee Williams (86), Lily James (34), Mitch Pileggi (71), Pharrell Williams (50), Natasha Lyonne (44), Robert Downey Jr. (58), Hugo Weaving (63), Xenia Seeberg (55), Graham Norton (60), Sofia Boutella (41), Amanda Bynes (37), Paris Jackson (25), Eddie Murphy (62), and Alec Baldwin (65).

As more celebrities hit the soil this week, we can at least rejoice in that the passing of Paul O’Grady has raised fuckloads for Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, because lets face it, we all hate people and love animals. And I’ll tell you now, trying to find a usable picture of Max Hardcore has probably put my name on a list somewhere! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Max Hardcore, 66, American pornographic actor, pneumonia. 
• Paul O’Grady, 67, English comedian, drag queen, and television presenter (Blankety Blank, The Paul O’Grady Show, Paul O’Grady: For the Love of Dogs).  
• Bernadette Hunt, 59, British television personality (Gladiators), cancer.  
• Ken Buchanan, 77, Scottish boxer, dementia. 

In Other News

Linda Nolan has given fans a sad update on her health as she revealed her cancer has spread to her brain. The singer, who celebrated her 64^th birthday last month, appeared on Good Morning Britain on Monday morning to speak about her treatment. Nolan was first diagnosed with stage three breast cancer in 2005 and went into remission the following year. But she was diagnosed with a secondary cancer in her hip in 2017, which spread to her liver in 2020. Speaking to hosts Susanna Reid and Richard Madeley, Nolan said she is remaining “positive” despite the news and will be undergoing chemotherapy again. “I’ve always been hopeful with my treatment and what’s going on in my life,” she said. “I just want to tell you unfortunately for me, my cancer has spread to my brain and that’s obviously frightening because there isn’t much treatment for brain cancer except for chemotherapy. I’m not giving up. I’m positive. I’m going to lose my hair again for the fourth time.” Nolan also revealed that she has moved into her sister’s home due to the cancer affecting her balance and leading to “three quite nasty falls”. “So, as usual, my amazing family – I’m back living with my sister Denise and her partner. Maureen has been looking after me for the past few weeks,” she continued. “I’ve bought a wheelchair, we’re getting stuff ready for the inevitable really. It’s a scary trip to be on.” Nolan reflected on not knowing how much time she had left, adding: “That’s not me being morbid or anything, but I don’t know. None of us know, really. So for me, it’s about making the most of every day and spending it with people I love. Just being positive… I’ve been fighting it since 2005 originally and then I’ve beaten it before, so hopefully I can do the same again. Obviously, with the great help I’ve always had from the NHS.” Nolan shared that she was hopeful a “new drug for brain cancer” that has been in use for around a year could help her in chemotherapy. Nolan rose to fame as part of girl group The Nolans alongside her sisters Anne, Denise, Maureen, Bernie and Coleen.   

Paul Burrell has opened up about undergoing radiotherapy to treat his prostate cancer, after receiving the diagnosis last year. The former butler to Princess Diana and former footman to Queen Elizabeth II told Lorraine on Monday morning that he was “very tired” and “emotional”. Asked how he has been feeling, Burrell told the TV presenter: “I’m tired, Lorraine, I’m very tired. I’ve got five more sessions of radiotherapy to go. I’m very emotional, as you can see. But I’m looking forward to getting to the end of it and then I can go on a little break with my husband Graham, and we can just be thankful that it’s been found. In a few months’ time, I’ll find out whether it’s clear or not, and then I get on with the rest of my life. There’s a lot to live for.” Burrell, 64, first shared his diagnosis in January and explained he had gone for a full medical examination for a ITV programme last summer. “Out of that came a surprisingly high PSA test [a chemical released by the prostate gland],” he told Lorraine at the time. “I had no idea what a PSA test.” His GP sent him for an MRI scan and they found a shadow on his prostate. A biopsy revealed that Burrell had cancer. He has since gone on to raise awareness of prostate cancer and urged all men to get checked. “You realise that there are thousands of men like me that had no symptoms, I didn’t realise what was happening and it could be too late,” he said.  

Pope Francis joked “I’m still alive” moments after being discharged from hospital following a three-day stay for treatment for a respiratory infection. “I wasn’t frightened, I’m still alive,” he told reporters in a light-hearted remark before being driven away. The 86-year-old was discharged from Rome’s Gemelli Hospital on Saturday morning after being admitted on Wednesday for treatment for bronchitis. The pontiff embraced a couple whose daughter had died on Friday night at the hospital and signed a boy’s cast before leaving the site. The Vatican seemed keen to quickly dispel any worries about the pope’s physical fitness to carry on fully with his duties. Spokesman Matteo Bruni said the Pope will be in St Peter’s Square for Palm Sunday Mass at the start of Holy Week, although he did not say if he would deliver the homily. It was also announced he will meet the prime minister of Bosnia-Herzegovina on Monday in a private audience at the Apostolic Palace. Francis had already largely stopped celebrating Mass at major Catholic Church holy days because of a chronic knee problem. During Wednesday’s hour-long public audience, Francis at times appeared visibly in pain when he moved about and was helped by aides. In July 2021, Francis underwent surgery at Gemelli Polyclinic after suffering from a narrowing of his colon. As a young man in Argentina, Francis had part of a lung removed. 

On This Day

• 1982 – Falklands War: Argentina invades the Falkland Islands.
• 1992 – New York Mafia boss John Gotti is convicted of murder and racketeering and is later sentenced to life in prison.
• 2015 – Four men steal items worth up to £200 million from an underground safe deposit facility in London’s Hatton Garden area in what has been called the “largest burglary in English legal history.”
• 2020 – COVID-19 pandemic: The total number of confirmed cases reach one million.

Deaths

• 1872 – Samuel Morse, American painter and academic, invented the Morse code (b. 1791)
• 1974 – Georges Pompidou, French banker & politician, 19th President of France (b. 1911)
• 2005 – Pope John Paul II (b. 1920)

Curses & Conspiracies in Celebrity Deaths 

I was at a house party when I found out that Amy Winehouse had died. Somebody announced it, and someone else turned the music down low. I remember sitting and reading the news on my phone, incredulous. She was so young. It was all so tragic. But then someone tutted. “She was 27,” they said, as if an explanation had just dawned on them. “She’s joined the 27 Club.” Oh, we all nodded in unison, as if now it all made sense.

But does it? The 27 Club is just one symptom of a rather bizarre malaise we have when it comes to celebrity deaths. We like to affix some cosmic reasoning to them, as if Winehouse had been “chosen” to join a morbid hall of fame alongside Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain – rock stars who all died at the same, cruelly early age. As sad as it was that a woman not yet 30 had died so tragically, it was as if we were arguing that it had a silver lining of sorts – she made the cut for an elite club. At times of collective grief for a famous person, we seem to fixate on patterns like these. Think the “Rule of Three”; a quasi-supernatural configuration that claims stars always meet their makers in threes – it’s believed to have started when Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper died together in a plane crash in 1959. The “pattern” has borne out many times since. In 2016, for instance, we lost George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds within days of each other.

One of the more recent examples of this morose mathematics is the “Glee Curse”, a phenomenon dissected in the Discovery Plus documentary The Price of Glee. The three-part series focused its lens on the untimely and tragic deaths of three – see, three! – stars from the Noughties teen musical series. Cory Monteith, who played jock Finn, died of a drug overdose at the age of 31 in 2013, while the show was still on the air. Mark Salling, who played school bully Puck, died by suicide at the age of 35 in 2018, just before his scheduled sentencing in a child pornography case. Naya Rivera, who stole scenes as cheerleader Santana, accidentally drowned in 2020 at the age of 33. Three young, creatively linked people dying in relatively quick succession led many to insist the cast of the show was cursed. Is the resulting documentary sensationalist, alarmist and odd? Absolutely. Is it captivating viewing? Err, also yes. We must know that a TV show can’t curse a bunch of actors, so why are we so fixated? However far-fetched an idea, there’s clearly a pronounced willingness to believe it might be possible.

Belief in curses fulfils a need “to make sense of an otherwise senseless tragedy,” says psychologist Natasha Tiwari. “The narrative of curses can be quite compelling; they can offer a coping mechanism in uncertain times, or in scenarios which otherwise are sources of sadness and anxiety.” Uncertainty, she says, is a not uncommon byproduct of a public death, but in particular the deaths of young people – these patterns far more commonly deployed to explain losses that occur too early. We don’t, after all, have anything called the “87 Club”. “Something like this is really about premature death,” adds clinical psychologist Dr Roberta Babb. “This is a way of trying to grieve for people who’ve died way before their time. People who we think have so much more to give.”

Our focus on patterns like this owes a lot to the fact that we don’t typically have the right vocabulary to discuss death. This is particularly true in the white, Western and increasingly secular world, which tends to lack the collective rituals around grief which exist in other cultures – think sitting Shiva or Diá de Muertos. “I think because we don’t have these existing rituals, and we also live in a world where death is not as pervasive as it would have been even 100 years ago, we feel like we can avoid thinking about it,” says Relate counsellor Josh Smith. “As with any avoidance, it will catch up with us. Celebrities can provide a way of talking about death and loss that allows us to be more observer than participant, giving us a bit of a safe distance.” 

It can also be a way of developing our own rituals of collective mourning. Dr Babb points to the communal grief around Princess Diana and, more recently, The Queen, as examples of a need to grieve as a community. “What we’ve lost is this idea of collectivism,” she says. “I think grief, unfortunately, will bring people together. Look at how people queued for The Queen, she meant so many different things to so many different people. Yet it is important to note that some people will be grieving for the loss of the individual and other people might be grieving through the loss of that individual.”

Dr Babb’s point is that we frequently use celebrities as avatars for our own feelings. They provide a means to understand and work through our grief, while also being distant enough that we don’t feel it too personally. Think of it as a dummy run for when we experience real tragedy. “Princess Diana is a great example of how we use famous deaths to grapple with our feelings about death,” Babb explains. “It will happen to us all, but death is also one of the experiences we can’t talk about from a place of knowing. So to try and access it, we obsess over the meanings of a famous person’s death. It’s all to understand death, but it’s also a way, strangely, to immortalise them – to prolong our grief and keep them alive longer.”  

Music biographer James Court, author of The 27 Club, says he feels as if the “inductees” are kept alive by their very inclusion. “Think of the main six: Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison and Brian Jones. They were at their absolute peak when they died, and I think that is a significant thing,” he says. “They never get to retire, or decline. Instead they’re legends frozen in time. It makes it all seem weirdly glamorous and makes the club more fascinating for people to look into.”

In writing his book, Court waded through many of the “mad” online conspiracies surrounding the 27 Club – including the theory that one of the earliest “members”, 1930s bluesman Robert Johnson, had made a deal with the devil. Did bartering his soul for great musical talent kickstart the club? It sounds similar to the speculation that snakes through The Price of Glee. What caused Cory Monteith to die at the peak of his success? How did Naya Rivera drown so shockingly? Surely there must be an explanation? Some kind of cosmic or earthbound conspiracy behind it all rather than something crushingly mundane? But what the docuseries and Court’s book both appear to confirm is that these people’s deaths weren’t the product of a mystical, malevolent force at play. Merely they died due to the cruelties of fame and pressure.

“What all the main six members of the 27 Club have in common is immense fame really early in life, a crazy amount of pressure, people around them making bad choices and all of them having unhealthy coping mechanisms,” Court says, sadly. “The Club is not so much a conspiracy theory or a curse, as it is a real-life cautionary tale.” 

We cling, though, to these strange theories as a coping mechanism. And perhaps there’s no real harm in that when it’s done in small doses. Because when we lose young, talented people who still have so much more to give, it’ll always feel inherently senseless.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Pedro Pascal (48), Emma Myers (21), Michael Fassbender (46), Christopher Meloni (62), Linda Hunt (78), Penelope Keith (83), John Thomson (54), Mackenzie Davis (36), Asa Butterfield (26), Annette O’Toole (71), Ali MacGraw (84), Michael Praed (63), Ewan McGregor (52), Christopher Walken (80), Rhea Perlman (75), Richard Chamberlain (89), William Daniels (96), Daniel Mays (45), Donna D’Errico (55), Warren Beatty (86), Céline Dion (55), Eric Clapton (78), Brendan Gleeson (68), Lucy Lawless (55), Marina Sirtis (68), Ed Skrein (40), Christopher Lambert (66), Elle Macpherson (59), Eric Idle (80), Vince Vaughn (53), Julia Stiles (42), Dianne Wiest (77), Lady Gaga (37), Nick Frost (51), Chris Barrie (63), Quentin Tarantino (60), Nathan Fillion (52), Julian Glover (88), Mariah Carey (54), Fergie (48), Jessie J (35), and Romesh Ranganathan (45).

Yet another week passes and a handful of ‘celebrities’ depart this plane of existence. Unfortunately, no points this week… again… 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Paul Grant, 56, British actor (Return of the Jedi, Labyrinth, The Dead) and stuntman.  
• Terry Norris, 92, Australian actor (Homicide, Cop Shop) and politician.  
• Dafydd Hywel, 77, Welsh actor (Coming Up Roses, Off to Philadelphia in the Morning, The Crown). 
• Gordon Moore, 94, American businessman, engineer (Moore’s law), and philanthropist, co-founder of Intel and Gordon and Betty Moore Foundation.  
• Nick Lloyd Webber, 43, English composer (Love, Lies and Records, Fat Friends The Musical, The Last Bus) and record producer, gastric cancer. 

In Other News

Dick Van Dyke crashed his car into a gate in Malibu after it skidded in wet weather conditions, according to reports. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang actor, 97, lost control of the car before smashing into a gate, leaving him with a bloody nose and possible concussion. It is understood that he did not need hospital treatment. The accident occurred on Wednesday morning and police officers arrived at the scene to find the star behind the wheel of his Lexus LS 500. This is not the first time Van Dyke has been involved in an incident involving a car. In 2013, the actor escaped unhurt after his car burst into flames on a motorway. Van Dyke was pulled from the vehicle, having not realised the Jaguar was on fire on a Los Angeles highway. He told the Flying Monkeys at the time: “It just started making a noise, and I thought I had a flat at first, then it started to smoke, then it burned to a crisp.” He said he escaped unscathed and “there was a fireman, a nurse and a cop just happened to be passing by. Somebody’s looking after me”. While the actor has mostly taken a step back from acting in recent years, he has continued to appear in occasional projects across film and TV. In 2018, he made a cameo in the Disney musical Mary Poppins Returns, a follow-up to the popular 1964 musical starring himself and Julie Andrews. He is set to appear in a new comedy film, Capture the Flag, about a group of elderly veterans who play a spirited game of “capture the flag” for the privilege of raising Old Glory every morning in their community. 

Former tennis great Martina Navratilova says she is “cancer-free” after fearing she “would not see next Christmas”. The 18-time Grand Slam singles champion, who previously had breast cancer in 2010, was diagnosed with throat and breast cancer late last year. In January, she said both cancers had been caught at an early stage. “As far as they know I’m cancer-free,” the 66-year-old said on Piers Morgan’s TalkTV show on Tuesday. “I still need to deal with the right breast, probably need to have radiation but that’s a couple of weeks and that doesn’t even count. That’s more preventative than anything else. I should be good to go. It’s 99% solvable.” Navratilova noticed an enlarged lymph node in her neck during November’s WTA Finals in Fort Worth, Texas. A subsequent biopsy revealed stage one throat cancer. During the tests, a lump was also discovered in her breast, which was later diagnosed as an unrelated cancer. “I was in a total panic for three days thinking I may not see next Christmas,” she told Morgan. “The bucket list came into my mind of all the things I wanted to do. And this may sound really shallow, but I was like, ‘OK, which kick-ass car do I really want to drive if I live like a year’?'” Navratilova said her friend and former rival Chris Evert, who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in December 2021, supported her “so much” through her treatment. The pair, who dominated women’s tennis during the 1970s and 80s, received cancer treatment in the same New York clinic. “Our careers are always intertwined and then we follow each other this way,” Navratilova said. “You can’t just make it up. The parallels are unbelievable. Same place. Some of the same nurses. Chris has been just a star. She has supported me so much through this as I supported her a year ago.” 

A council has apologised to a recent widower after sending him a letter telling him he was dead. South Norfolk Council told Stuart Dobson, 77, it was “sorry to hear” he had died and informed him he could get a council tax exemption. It came just one month after his wife of 54 years, Ann, had died. Replying to the letter to convince them he was alive had caused him “distress”, he said, for which the council apologised. Mr Dobson said the letter had added to his stress at a time when he was already grieving. Mr Dobson responded to the council, calling officials “ill-informed”. “I have been up there to give them a letter, I’ve hand-delivered it to the council, telling them, ‘Do I look dead to you?’ “It’s an utter shambles, they’re asking me to fill in forms when they think I’m dead, it doesn’t make sense. I don’t need this at all,” he said. In his letter to the council, Mr Dobson (deceased), wrote: “I have today received an ill-informed letter from you telling me that I have passed away. It occurs to me that only the [council] would write to a deceased person and ask them to fill in a council tax form. One doubts their sanity and rational thinking when taking such an action.” A council spokesman said: “The council has apologised to Mr Dobson for the mistake made when updating our records following the death of Mrs Dobson, and we regret that our mistake has caused Mr Dobson upset at this difficult time. “We have reviewed what happened and unfortunately this was a case of human error for which we are deeply sorry.”

On This Day

• 1934 – The United Kingdom driving test is introduced.
• 1981 – Social Democratic Party (SDP) is founded as a party.
• 1997 – Thirty-nine bodies are found in the Heaven’s Gate mass suicides.

Deaths

• 1827 – Ludwig van Beethoven, German pianist and composer (b. 1770).
• 1945 – David Lloyd George, English-Welsh lawyer and politician, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1863).
• 1973 – Noël Coward, English playwright, actor, and composer (b. 1899).
• 2005 – James Callaghan, English lieutenant and politician, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (b. 1912)
• 2011 – Diana Wynne Jones, English author (b. 1934).

Celebrities Who’ve Survived Murder Attempts

Celebrities who have survived murder attempts range from rappers embroiled in deadly beefs to stars who were in the wrong place at the wrong time to A-listers with vicious stalkers. In some cases, the celebrities knew their attackers. In others, unknown assailants plotted to commit murder for financial gain. There are also accounts of mentally unstable individuals with celebrity fixations conducting murder attempts. While many celebrities – like John Lennon and Marvin Gaye – died from attacks, the celebrities in this list reflect those who either survived an actual attempt on their life or happened to avert one.  

George Harrison: On December 30th 1999, Liverpool native Michael Abram jumped the fence at George Harrison’s Oxfordshire estate, carrying a large knife. He smashed a window and made his way inside, where Harrison and his wife, Olivia, confronted him. Abram began screaming at the ex-Beatle, who charged at him and tried to knock the knife out of his hand. Abram stabbed Harrison several times in the chest, then went after Olivia and tried to strangle her with a lamp cord. Police arrived and took Abram into custody. In court, Abram revealed he believed the Beatles were witches and he was on a mission from God to kill Harrison, whom he believed to be the Devil. The courts found Abram not guilty by reason of insanity and committed him. Harrison died less than two years later of cancer. The institution released Abram in 2002!!! 

Björk: In 1996, obsessive stalker Ricardo Lopez sent a letter bomb to Icelandic pop singer Björk. Lopez, 21, had been infatuated with Björk for several years, writing a diary of over 800 pages devoted to her – which included dozens of references to suicide and murder. Upon learning she was in a relationship, Lopez reportedly snapped.  He filmed over 20 hours of footage that consisted mostly of him ranting, then sent the singer a hollowed-out book with a bomb in the middle. Afterward, he shot himself on camera – while a Björk song played in the background. The police intercepted the bomb, which never reached the singer.

Gordon Ramsay: The chef and TV star Gordon Ramsay is also a crusader against illegal shark fishing. As part of a BBC documentary – Gordon’s Shark Bait – he went to Costa Rica to uncover illicit shark fin trade. A gang, which authorities believe have ties to an illegal drug network, confronted Ramsay and poured gasoline on him and his film crew. The “thugs” then held the group at gunpoint and told Ramsay to stop filming the shark fishing crews – or else they’d be shot. Reportedly, local police recommended Ramsay and his crew leave Costa Rica.

50 Cent: In 2000, an unknown assailant shot rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson – shortly before his ascent to fame – nine times outside his grandmother’s house in Queens. Jackson spent 13 days in a hospital and the next five months recovering with wounds in his hand, arm, hip, both legs, chest, and left cheek. Neither Jackson nor police ever positively identified the shooter. Initially, police suspected Darryl “Hommo” Baum – Mike Tyson’s former bodyguard – as the shooter. The theory was local drug lord “Supreme” hired Baum to kill Jackson over a drug dispute. Three weeks after the attempted murder, an unknown assailant shot and killed Baum. Allegedly, Tyson offered someone $50,000 to take care of the parties responsible for Baum’s death. In 2005, rival rappers of Murder Inc. reportedly testified against Supreme for his involvement in the attempt on Jackson’s life.  

Madonna: Madonna had multiple encounters with stalker Robert Dewey Hoskins, but in 1996, he jumped the fence of her Hollywood Hills compound. Hoskins declared he would “either marry her or slash her throat.” One of her bodyguards shot him, and police took him into custody. Madonna wasn’t home at the time but testified against him later. In 2012, Dewey escaped from a mental hospital in Los Angeles – where the courts sent him after an unrelated 2011 conviction – but authorities quickly captured and returned him.

Theresa Saldana: Saldana was an on-the-rise actress who’d appeared in Raging Bull and the Beatles movie I Wanna Hold Your Hand. Arthur Richard Jackson, a 47-year-old drifter from Aberdeen, Scotland, flew across the world and illegally entered the US with a plan to find Saldana and kill her. Reportedly, he intended to join her in the afterlife – after the state executed him for her murder. In 1982, Jackson hired a private investigator to obtain Saldana’s mother’s phone number, then called her pretending to be Martin Scorsese, looking for Saldana herself. After Saldana’s mother unwittingly provided her daughter’s West Hollywood address, Jackson drove there and stabbed her 10 times with a hunting knife. Saldana survived, thanks to a deliveryman rushing to her rescue and pulling Jackson off her. She made a full recovery, and the courts committed Jackson to a mental institution, where he died in 2004. After her recovery, Saldana became a prominent advocate for victim’s rights and founded Victims for Victims. She also played herself in a TV movie about her attack. 

Ryan Seacrest: In 2009, police arrested Chidi Uzomah Jr. – an ex-soldier turned stalker – when witnesses reported him for walking the halls of the E! studio. Reportedly, Uzomah was carrying a knife and looking for Ryan Seacrest – host of E! News and later American Idol. Police had apprehended him once prior for trying to get to Seacrest in Orange County and attacking one of his bodyguards. The courts sentenced 26-year-old Uzomah to two years in prison and ordered him to stay away from Seacrest for at least a decade.  

Pauley Perrette: Allegedly, a 45-year-old transient named David Merck attacked NCIS actress Pauley Perrette in November 2015. According to police, Perrette was walking in her L.A. neighbourhood when Merck grabbed her by the arm and attempted to drag her away. She persuaded him to let her go, then called the police, who found Merck at a nearby 7-11. Merck – who had a preexisting criminal record – pleaded “not guilty” to felony assault charges. The courts found Merck unfit to stand trial and sent him to a mental facility. In 2018, the state facility released him.  

Larry Flynt: In 1978, a sniper shot and paralysed Hustler publisher and free speech crusader Larry Flynt. At the time of the shooting, Flynt was leaving a courthouse in Georgia, where he was on trial for obscenity. The shooter, white supremacist Joseph Paul Franklin, later admitted to the attack, claiming an interracial sex photo shoot in an issue of Hustler outraged him. Missouri law enforcement eventually arrested Franklin for shooting up a St. Louis synagogue. Franklin – a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic – claimed to have killed over two dozen people. The courts found him guilty and executed him in 2013. Reportedly, Flynt opposed the execution.

Bob Marley: In 1976, unknown shooters attacked Bob Marley, his wife, and his manager two days before a concert Marley had helped organise to unite opposing political factions in Jamaica. The singer sustained minor wounds and played at the concert despite the shooting. Authorities never identified the assailants. Marley died in 1981, of cancer – which conspiracy theorists believe was a successful attempt on his life.  

Tupac Shakur: Shakur survived the first attempt on his life, a 1994 shooting in the lobby of a recording studio in Manhattan. Shakur believed the attack was a set-up, as opposed to a robbery since the three shooters didn’t take his Rolex. He accused rappers Notorious BIG and Puff Daddy of orchestrating the attack – which took place just before Shakur was due to receive a verdict for a sexual assault case he was facing. Later, in 1996, an unknown shooter killed Shakur in a Las Vegas drive-by. In 2011, shooter Dexter Isaac admitted to authorities former talent agent James Rosemond – AKA Jimmy Henchman – hired him to attack Shakur in 1994. He alleged no connection to the fatal shooting in 1996. Shakur’s murder still remains unsolved. 

Andy Warhol: On December 3rd 1968, activist Valeria Solanas shot artist and filmmaker Andy Warhol. Reportedly, Solanas – who was the sole member of an organisation she founded called Cutting Up Men – wanted Warhol to produce her play. Earlier on the day of the shooting, security removed Solanas from the Factory after allegedly trying to get her script back. She shot Warhol and art critic Mary Amaya when she saw Warhol on the street. Warhol sustained major physical and psychological injuries from the attack. As a result, he developed an intense fear of hospitals, which subsequently factored into his 1987 death. Although psychiatrists later diagnosed Solanas as schizophrenic, she pled guilty to the attack on Warhol and served three years in prison.   

Mick Jagger: In 1969, following the alleged Hell’s Angels stabbing of a man at the Altamont Free Concert, Jagger and the other Rolling Stones publicly pilloried the biker gang’s behaviour and refused to ever hire them again. The Angels responded with a plan to storm Jagger’s Long Island mansion – from the sea – and murder him. Armed, the gang allegedly got in a boat and sailed toward Jagger’s home. A storm sank the boat before they could reach the estate. The wreck didn’t injure any gang members, but they decided to call off the attack. The Angels denied culpability in the Altamont stabbing. 

Jackie Chan: Jackie Chan was involved in a long-running feud with the Hong Kong Triads that had infested the local film industry and routinely shook down producers for money. Reportedly, when Chan first came to America from Hong Kong, a triad sniper shot at him on the airport tarmac. In 2012, Chan said triad men armed with machetes later surrounded him when he was out to dinner. In response to the attacks, Chan armed himself with guns and grenades and hired muscle from mainland China. Eventually, he paid them off, and they left him alone.

Joss Stone: In 2011, Junior Bradshaw and Kevin Liverpool scouted British soul singer Joss Stone’s house. Reportedly, they were armed with a sword, hammers, knives, gloves, rope, and masks with the intention to rob and behead her. Neighbours spotted their banged-up vehicle idling in her wealthy neighbourhood and called the police, who searched the car’s trunk and arrested the two men. British courts sentenced Liverpool – who organised the plan – to 10 years in prison. The courts sentenced Bradshaw, a diagnosed schizophrenic, to a psychiatric facility. 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Keira Knightley (38), Jennifer Grey (63), Amy Smart (47), Martin Short (73), Diana Ross (79), Steven Tyler (75), Roisin Conaty (44), Lee Pace (44), Sarah Jessica Parker (58), Paul Michael Glaser (80), Richard O’Brien (81), Elton John (76), Jessica Chastain (46), Tig Notaro (52), Jim Parsons (50), Alyson Hannigan (49), Lara Flynn Boyle (53), Kelly LeBrock (63), Amanda Plummer (66), Joanna Page (46), Reese Witherspoon (47), William Shatner (92), Carter Wong (76), Gary Oldman (65), Timothy Dalton (77), Matthew Broderick (61), Sonequa Martin-Green (38), Jaye Davidson (55), Ruby Rose (37), Holly Hunter (65), David Thewlis (60), Freema Agyeman (44), Spike Lee (66), John de Lancie (75), and Theresa Russell (66).

This week sees the shocking death of Lance Reddick at too young an age, I really should keep those Flying Monkeys caged up… 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Dick Fosbury, 76, American high jumper (Fosbury Flop), Olympic champion, lymphoma.  
• Jim Gordon, 77, American musician (Derek and the Dominos, Traffic), songwriter (“Layla“) and convicted murderer. 
• Vera Selby, 93, English snooker and billiards player. 
• Jacqueline Gold, 62, British businesswoman (Ann Summers), breast cancer. 
• Lance Reddick, 60, American actor (The Wire, Fringe, John Wick).  
• Gloria Dea, 100, American actress (King of the Congo, Plan 9 from Outer Space) and magician, coronary artery disease. 

In Other News

Sam Neill has revealed he has had “a ferocious type of aggressive” non-Hodgkin lymphoma. The Jurassic Park star, 75, was diagnosed with Stage three cancer in March 2022 and thought: “I’m crook, I’m dying.” Unable to work, he started writing as a distraction and to “give me a reason to get through the day,” he told the Flying Monkeys. In his new memoir, Did I Ever Tell you This?, he discusses his illness and his near 50-year career on screen. Neill first noticed he had lumpy glands in his neck on a publicity tour for Jurassic World: Dominion last year. When doctors told him what was wrong, he said his reaction was “pretty phlegmatic”, but it made him “take stock of things.” “I thought I need to do something, and I thought, ‘Shall I start writing?'” he says. “I didn’t think I had a book in me, I just thought I’d write some stories. And I found it increasingly engrossing. A year later, not only have I written the book – I didn’t have a ghost writer – but it’s come out in record time. I suspect my publishers, they’re delightful people, but I think they wanted to get it out in a hurry just in case I kicked the bucket before it was time to release the thing.” Indeed at one point he thinks the subtitle for the book might have been Notes from a Dying Man. There are, he says, “dark days.” He lost his hair after the first round of chemotherapy and writes in the memoir that when he looks in the mirror, “there’s a bald, wizened old man there.” “More than anything I want my beard back. I don’t like the look of my face one bit.” Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma is a less common cancer that develops in the lymphatic system – the vast network of vessels and glands in the body. But the star is now in remission and remains positive. “I’m not afraid of dying,” he says. “What I don’t want to do is to stop living, because I really enjoy living.” He continues: “I’ve regarded it as an adventure, quite a dark adventure, but an adventure nevertheless. And the good days are just fantastic and when you get some good news it’s absolutely exhilarating.” The book, he is at pains to stress, is not about cancer. “I can’t stand cancer books.” Instead it is mostly about what he calls his “fun” and “unlikely” life and long career.  

Nicholas Lloyd Webber, the eldest son of Andrew Lloyd Webber, is critically ill with gastric cancer, the Phantom of the Opera composer has announced. Nicholas’ hospitalisation will necessitate Sir Andrew’s absence from this week’s Broadway opening of the composer’s Bad Cinderella. “I am absolutely devastated to say that my eldest son Nick is critically ill,” Andrew Lloyd Webber said in a statement released tonight. “As my friends and family know, he has been fighting gastric cancer for the last 18 months and Nick is now hospitalised.” The composer went on to say, “I therefore have not been able to attend the recent previews of Bad Cinderella and as things stand, I will not be able to cheer on its wonderful cast, crew and orchestra on Opening Night this Thursday. “We are all praying that Nick will turn the corner,” he continued. “He is bravely fighting with his indomitable humour, but at the moment my place is with him and the family.” Andrew Lloyd Webber had also been scheduled to attend a Bad Cinderella New York press event this Wednesday, coinciding with the composer’s 75th birthday. Bad Cinderella opens Thursday, March 23rd, at the Imperial Theatre. The 43-year-old Nicholas is a Grammy nominated composer and record producer, known for scoring the BBC 1 drama Love, Lies and Records and the 2021 film The Last Bus, among other projects. He co-produced and mixed the 2021 original London cast album Bad Cinderella. 

Jim Gordon, the drummer who played on the Beach Boys’ iconic album Pet Sounds and for Eric Clapton in Derek & The Dominos, has died in prison aged 77. The session musician was serving a life sentence when he died of natural causes on Monday. Gordon was convicted of killing his mother in 1983 before being diagnosed with schizophrenia. The musician is credited as a songwriter on Derek & The Dominos’ hit song “Layla”, alongside Eric Clapton. As a session musician, Gordon featured on tracks by numerous artists. His music can be heard on songs by Tom Waits, George Harrison, John Lennon, Cher and more. He also played music on the classic track “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon. Gordon died in a state-run medical facility in California, while still serving his 16 year sentence. During his life, he struggled with addiction to alcohol and drugs, according to Rolling Stone, who interviewed him in 1985. His mother urged him to seek psychiatric help in the Seventies, and he was admitted to hospital, telling the staff there that she was his only friend. He went on to murder her in 1983 with a hammer and knife. He told Rolling Stone two years later that he “had no interest in killing his mother.” “I wanted to stay away from her. I had no choice. It was so matter-of-fact, like I was being guided like a zombie. She wanted me to kill her, and good riddance to her,” he said at the time. He was sentenced in 1984 where the judge ruled that his insanity would not find him innocent under laws in place at the time. 

On This Day

• 1649 – The House of Commons of England passes an act abolishing the House of Lords, declaring it “useless and dangerous to the people of England”. 
• 1831 – First documented bank heist in U.S. history, when burglars stole $245,000 from the City Bank  on Wall Street. Most of the money was recovered.  
• 1895 – Auguste and Louis Lumière record their first footage using their newly patented cinematograph.  
• 1982 – Falklands War: Argentinian forces land on South Georgia Island, precipitating war with the United Kingdom. 

Deaths

• 1950 – Edgar Rice Burroughs, American soldier and author (b. 1875). 
• 2008 – Arthur C. Clarke, English science fiction writer (b. 1917). 
• 2008 – Paul Scofield, English actor (b. 1922). 

The Smoked Corpses of Aseki

The Anga people live in Papua New Guinea’s Aseki District, a fringe highland region so detached from the modern world that even the regular passing of mist is still considered an omen from the spirits. They’re also heirs to one of most bizarre rituals of the ancient world: the smoking of their ancestors’ corpses.

An extraordinary – and from an outsider’s point-of-view, grotesque – form of enshrinement, the smoked corpses of Aseki have captured the imagination of anthropologists, writers and filmmakers for more than 100 years. But few have been able to tell fact from fiction. 

To find out when the practice began – and why the Anga began mummifying their dead in a land where cannibalism used to be the norm – The Flying Monkeys travelled to Lae, the second largest city in Papua New Guinea. There they met up with Malcolm Gauthier, a guide with off-road motorbike company Niugini Dirt.

The journey took two days, with an overnight stopover at the former 1930s gold rush town of Bulolo. The further inland we rode, the worse the road got: a bone-jarring juxtaposition of washouts, muddy ruts and river crossings, some of which required dugout canoes to navigate.

When we reached Angapenga, a large village some 250km southwest of Lae, a group of children directed us to a strip of grass overlooking a saw-toothed valley. It’s one of dozens of sites in the Aseki District where smoked corpses can be found, though the exact location of most have been forgotten over time. The mummies of Angapenga are also the most accessible, located a short hike from the road. 

After we parked, we were approached by a man named Dickson, who said he was custodian of the site. Speaking in Tok Pisin – a colourful creole of German, English and indigenous Melanesian dialects – he demanded a princely access fee. Gauthier bargained him down to a figure both parties could live with, and we set off with dozens of children in tow on the final stage of our journey: a laborious half-hour climb through jungle riddled with stinging nettles and spider webs. The track was so steep and overgrown in parts that we found ourselves crawling on all fours. It then disappeared under the canopy and rounded a ridge where a clay wall rose steeply into the air. There, under a small indentation on the cliff, were the smoked corpses of Aseki. 

The mummies were more macabre than anything that can be imagined. Smeared with red clay, they were in various stages of decomposition, with parched sections of skin and muscle clinging to their skeletons. Some still had clumps of hair and full sets of nails curled in pensive positions. Their facial expressions were cut straight out of a Hollywood scream-fest, with full rows of teeth and eyeballs popping out of their skulls. One of the corpses, a female, had the smoked body of an infant pressed against her chest. 

There were 14 corpses in total, arranged on bamboo scaffolding in life-like positions or curled up like foetuses inside large baskets. Four of the corpses had disintegrated into piles of bones, their skulls peeking out through broken bits of bamboo amid the dirt.

Getting close to the mummies proved to be difficult. There was no flat ground to stand on and even the Flying Monkeys repeatedly lost their footing. When Gauthier came close to where the bodies lay, he slipped and grabbed hold of the scaffolding, nearly pulling the entire shrine into the jungle below. 

We know from a National Geographic documentary filmed at Koke, another village in Aseki, that the mummies are infrequently carried to villages for restorative work. In fact, Gauthier said he’d seen these mummies on display at the Morobe Show in Lae a decade ago. But I was dumbstruck at the idea of these delicate and priceless artefacts being put in the back of a flatbed truck and driven over 250km of broken roads. Even just sitting here, they were at risk of damage by clumsy tourists, tomb raiders and the elements. One big storm or landslide and they could easily wash away. 

Most of what’s known about the mummies is based on hearsay, exaggeration or flights of the imagination. Even the locals we spoke to – Dickson, a pastor named Loland and a schoolteacher named Nimas – seemed to offer different stories about the ritual’s past.

The first documented report on the smoked corpses was by British explorer Charles Higginson in 1907 – seven years prior to the start of WWI. Yet according to Dickson, the mummifying practice began during WWI, when the Anga attacked the first group of missionaries to arrive in Aseki. His great-grandfather, one of the corpses we saw under the cliff, was shot dead by the missionaries in self-defence. 

Dickson said the event sparked a series of payback killings that came to an end when the missionaries gifted the natives salt, with which they began embalming their dead. The practice only lasted for a generation, he added, since a second round of missionaries successfully converted the Anga to Christianity.

Loland and Nimas confirmed that the smoke corpse ritual ended in 1949, when missionaries took firm root in Aseki. But unlike Dickson, Loland and Nimas said mummification had been practiced by the Anga for centuries. The bodies were not cured using salt, they explained, but smoked over months in a “spirit haus”. They were then covered in red clay to maintain their structural integrity and placed in shrines in the jungle. 

Nimas also said that cannibalism was never practiced in this part of Papua New Guinea – a statement that contradicts Higginson’s 1907 description of the Anga as bloodthirsty savages who greedily lapped up the entrails of their own kin during the smoking process. But if that was the case, of course, then why didn’t the Anga didn’t make a meal of Higginson, a lone and defenceless foreigner living in their midst? 

Before departing, we asked Dickson one more question: was it true that embalmers drained the corpses’ body fat and used it as cooking oil during the embalming process, as is claimed by Higginson and nearly every report written on the mummies in the century that has elapsed?

Dickson’s face showed instant incredulity. “Tok giaman blo wait man (white man’s lie),” he replied. Some secrets, perhaps, are best kept with the dead.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Bruce Willis (68), Glenn Close (76), Ursula Andress (87), Harvey Weinstein (71), Brad Dourif (73), Luc Besson (64), Queen Latifah (53), Abigail Cowen (25), Kurt Russell (72), Rob Lowe (59), Morfydd Clark (34), John Boyega (31), Gary Sinise (68), Lesley-Anne Down (69), Patrick Duffy (74), Alexandra Daddario (37), Alan Tudyk (52), Jerome Flynn (60), Caitlin Bassett (33), Victor Garber (74), Aisling Bea (39), Erik Estrada (74), Jimmy Nail (69), David Cronenberg (80), Judd Hirsch (88), Eva Longoria (48), Corey Stoll (47), Michael Caine (90), Jamie Bell (37), Billy Crystal (75), Betsy Brandt (50), Quincy Jones (90), Harry Melling (34), Annabeth Gish (52), William H. Macy (73), and Danny Masterson (47).