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Dead Pool 10th November 2013

p0093wyq_640_360Well, this week is a bit thin on the ground, I could just  about recognise two names from the Wiki list of notable deaths and even then they’re only vaguely famous. I only remembered who John Cole was because he was a Spitting Image puppet and Steve Prescott came up as a potential name for my own list due to cancer. So I will apologise now for the lack of point scoring or deaths of importance this week, even though I sent out those flying monkeys!! However, I will now put you all into shock mode, the original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now 51 years old!!!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

  • John Cole, 85, British broadcaster and journalist, BBC political editor (1981–1992).
  • Steve Prescott, 39, English rugby league player, stomach cancer.

In Other News

Justin Bieber Performs On NBC's "Today" - June 4, 2010Justin Bieber has incensed fans in Brazil after storming off stage because someone threw a water bottle at him. The bottle knocked the microphone out of the hand of the 19 year old  ‘singer’, who looked into the crowd before turning and walking off without even saying goodbye! A Twitter account created for the offending water bottle already has two million followers. One post read: “Stop judging me, I just wanted to touch Justin like the rest of you.”  I for one wished the bottle was made of glass and smashed him in the skull, alas we’re not that lucky.

bertie-1Ireland’s former prime minister Bertie Ahern was assaulted in a Dublin pub last Friday night. Ahern was attacked with a crutch by a man in his forties inside the Sean O’Casey bar just off O’Connell Street. His attacker, who was said to be extremely drunk, was later arrested by the Garda and detained overnight in a city centre police station. The former Taoiseach has declined to talk about the attack, which comes three years after he was verbally abused by a number of customers in another Dublin pub. Shame this wasn’t a story about Cameron and a gun. *sigh*

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

jurgen bartschThis week we have Jürgen Bartsch. Born Karl-Heinz Sadrozinski, this crazy Kraut was adopted at eleven months and his name changed to Jurgen (at least it wasn’t Count Grishnack) by his mother, an OCD clean-freak butcher’s wife from Langenberg. His mother forbade him to play with other children, lest he become dirty, and bathed him herself until he was nineteen – probably a good place to start if you wanted to look for an explanation for his crimes.

He killed his first victim in 1961, at the age of fifteen. He lured his victims, aged between 8 and 13, into an abandoned air raid shelter, where he would undress them and sexually abuse them. Once they were dead, he would dismember the bodies. This hit a snag when he left his fifth victim, Peter Frese, before killing him. Frese managed to burn through his bindings using a candle that had been left by Bartsch and escaped from the shelter.

When he was arrested, Bartsch confessed openly. Originally sentenced to life imprisonment, this was later reduced to ten years of juvenile imprisonment, after which he was placed in psychiatric care.

Psychiatric reports recommended three possible courses of action to rehabilitate Jurgen; psychotherapy, psychosurgery, or castration. After initially refusing any form of surgery, he quickly changed his mind and opted for castration in order to avoid having to spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital. On April 28, 1976, he went into the operating theatre where an inexperienced nurse unfortunately (or fortunately perhaps) gave him a massive accidental overdose of Halothane which killed him. Karma’s a bitch.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Emma Stone (25), Matthew McConaughey (44), Sam Rockwell (45), Sally Field (67), Lamar Odom (34), Dolph Lundgren (56), Brian Adams (54), Gordon Ramsay (47), Ethan Hawke (43), Laura Bush (67), Tara Reid (38), Lou Ferrigno (62), Thandie Newton (41), P Diddy (44), Roseanne Barr (61), Tatum O’Neil (49), Art Garfunkel (72), Famke Janssen (48), Robert Patrick (55), Maria Shriver (58), Loretta Swift (75), Gretchen Mol (41), Rebecca Romijn (41), Tilda Swinton (53), Ralph Macchio (51), Billy Graham (95) and Jack Osbourne (28).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Dead Pool 3rd November 2013

Untitled-1What a week! Without Lou Reed I’d have struggled to recognise a single ‘celebrity’ death! Sure I know their faces once I looked them up, but seriously! With less than two months to go for this years pool, things are moving too slowly. I think we need to send out the flying monkeys so we can start scoring again, failing that we all better start praying to Satan for some divine intervention.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

rs_600x600-131027113745-600.David-Beckham-Car-Crash.jl.102713David Beckham has been involved in a car accident which saw his $76k Range Rover hit by another vehicle near his Beverly Hills home. The former England captain was behind the wheel and accompanied by his 14-year-old son Brooklyn when the collision happened. According to reports, the 38-year-old pulled out of his driveway and was hit by an oncoming car driven by a woman. Beckham and his son were sadly unharmed, but this is the second time both have been involved in a crash. In 2011, the two had a “lucky escape” when their vehicle was involved in a pile-up on one of the busiest roads in Los Angeles. Maybe next time…

b038ynyzYou may have missed the fact that DJ Paul Gambaccini has been arrested as part of Operation Yewtree. The latest DJ from the Savile camp is now under lock and key and the BBC have pulled his Saturday night show from the radio, which is a great shame because the replacement show was utter tripe! Time will tell if he’s guilty or not, maybe he’ll take the same route as Savile’s former driver and kill himself, so perhaps Gambo is a good shout for next year!

_63316992_pa-14410226Tranmere midfielder Joe Thompson has been diagnosed with cancer. The 24-year-old has not played for Rovers since September due to feeling ill and medical tests have since found the former Rochdale winger has contracted nodular sclerosing Hodgkin’s disease. Thompson will now undergo a six-month course of chemotherapy. I’m sure we all wish him well during his treatment, but just in case, I expect to see his name on a few lists in a couple of months time.

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

5712681933_cc856c0d99_zThis week’s TFHD is Euronymous. Ok, so he wasn’t really called Euronymous; Øystein Aarseth was the founder of Norwegian black metal band Mayhem, and originally went by the pseudonym “Destructor” before he renamed himself after the little-known Greek flesh-eating demon of the underworld, Euronymos. Seriously, I’m not making this up.

What sets Aarseth apart from previous entries in this column is that he (probably) didn’t kill anybody. However, this guy was pretty fucked up. A self-confessed satanist, he participated in the 1992 burning of Holmenkollen chapel but his stand-out what the fuck moment came two years earlier, when the lead singer of Mayhem, Per “Dead” Ohlin committed suicide at the house the two shared.

Now if you came home to find your roommate had just blown his brains out all over the walls and floor, you probably wouldn’t react the same way Aarseth did – he phoned bassist Necrobutcher (yes, Necrobutcher) and told him “Dead has done something really cool! He’s killed himself!” In a whirlwind of commercial brilliance he reassured Necrobutcher; “Relax, I have photos of everything!”

Aarseth posed the body of his friend, careful to make sure he arranged the shotgun, bloody knife and brain tastefully, and took photos – one of which was used as an album cover for a bootleg release, Dawn of the Black Hearts (check it out, it’s all over the internet.) It was rumoured that he made a stew out of bits of Dead’s brain, and made necklaces for other “worthy” musicians from fragments of skull. The band later denied the first rumour – but confirmed the second.

He was stabbed to death in 1993 by fellow metaller Count Grishnack (not his real name) in an attack that some speculate was to out-do a previous murder Grishnack had committed, though he claimed that Euronymous had planned to tie him up, electrocute him, and torture him to death on video. The whole story will probably never be known, but the fact remains that Øystein Aarseth was absolutely bat-shit crazy, and to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick.

In March 2012 a Norwegian airline held a public vote to pick a famous Norwegian whose picture would adorn the aircraft. Aarseth was leading the poll but his name was removed from the campaign after his family’s request.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Winona Rider (42), Joaquin Phoenix (39), Toni Collette (41), Jenny McCarthy (41), Julia Roberts (46), Richard Dreyfuss (66), Kelly Osbourne (29), Henry Winkler (68), Matt Smith (31), Charlie Daniels (77), David Shwimmer (47), Bill Gates (58), Simon Le Bon (55), Matthew Morrison (35), Anthony Kiedis (51), John Cleese (74), Vanilla Ice (46), Lyle Lovett (56), Dennis Franz (69), Nelly (39), Peter Jackson (52), Diego Maradona (53) and K.D. Lang (52).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Dead Pool 27th October 2013

Untitled-1This week poses a question, with the sad death of Marcia Wallace, the voice of Mrs Krabappel in The Simpsons, would this mean the character she played would have to die? Would we need to award points for both, or even more as she did many so voices! Also, what is going to happen to all those potentially lobster pink travellers going Spain? The voice of their anthem has passed on, this is such a terrible quandary!!
Anyhow, I’m in the process of setting up a new website for the Dead Pool, it will look and feel very much like the old one for the moment but hopefully we will have password protected areas for our Poolers to share and have fun and also downloadable content to help you with next years lists. If you want to have a sneak peek, go to www.kingofankh.co.uk/DeadPool. So if you normally read this on the website, please update your rss feeds or weblinks. Feel a bit stupid saying that, you’re obviously not reading this!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

_70729770_kebab_afpIt is truly with a very heavy heart, literally, that I have to share the news that Kadir Nurman has died at the age of 80. ‘Who?’ I hear you lament. Kadir is the Turkish immigrant who is credited with inventing the doner kebab! I know, this is truly a horrific moment for many of us.
Kadir emigrated to Germany in 1960 and noticed that the fast paced lives of the Germans needed a succulent dish that could be carried around, and lo, the mana of the gods for pissed people was born. Alas he didn’t patent the recipe so he made little money from the dish. However, he was pleased that so many Turkish people have managed to do so well with his recipe, thus improving the quality of life for his fellow countrymen. I’m not so sure about the quality of my life though, a few too many kebabs has left me with horrific angina that even red wine can’t help!

46_Dick_Cheney_3x4Dick Cheney has revealed to the world that he’s had to have his pacemaker modified in case of terrorist attack. Yup, the former vice-president is so paranoid he made sure that his wi-fi enabled ticker was impervious to Bin Laden and his friends. Now, I’m not one to cast an opinion normally, but wouldn’t it be easier to just give Cheney a gun and let him get on with it, after all he managed to shoot his mate in the face, so why bother making a complex device that would interfere with his pacemaker? Methinks he’s been watching too many episodes of Homeland.

Steatoda_nobilisWe are all going to die!!! Yes, it’s true! But if you are to believe most media reports at the moment, we will all die from False Widow Spider bites. Now, I’m not a huge fan of spiders myself, but for us in the UK we’re pretty lucky really, overall they don’t grow as large as a house and they can’t kill you. In fact, the worst a False Widow can do it give you a tiny sting, much like a bee sting, certainly not lethal. So I’m wondering why a school in Gloucestershire insisted on closing due to a sighting of said spider? Any fucking excuse for a day off if you ask me. You don’t hear of Australian schools closing ever, and everything there is lethal and very ready to bite you on the testicles when you sit on the toilet! Shame on Dean School Chepstow, grow some balls!

On This Day

gloria-estefan-225.jpg.htmlNot a lot happened on the 27th October in years past, but Wallis Simpson is granted a divorce in order to marry the Duke of Windsor, thus changing the face of the monarchy in the UK.
On a stranger note, Gloria Estefan becomes the first pop artist to be called upon by a Pope to perform at the Vatican. Who knew John Paul II was such a groover!
So who died on this day? Remember Akbar the Great, the Muslim emperor of India, whom established a sprawling kingdom through military conquests, but is more widely known for his policy of religious tolerance, no you won’t, but how things have changed…
We also lost Æthelstan, the first king of England, other than that I didn’t recognise anyone.

Thank Fuck He’s Dead bu Stu

This week’s TFHS is Ronald Clark O’Bryan.
8067038_123624870762As we approach Halloween we will probably be subjected to a glut of phoney Facebook warnings, quoting apocryphal tales from “friends of friends” who all claim to know somebody whose snot-faced little bastards rosy-cheeked little cherubs fell victims to razor blades, rat poison or other hilariously deadly items secreted inside Halloween treats.
They’re all bollocks, of course. One tale that is true, unfortunately, is that of 8-year-old Timothy O’Bryan from Deer Park, Texas, who finished off his trick-or-treating in 1974 with a Pixie Stix that was more than just past it’s sell-by date. Suffering convulsions, he was taken to hospital where he later died of cyanide poisoning.
It didn’t take the police long to catch the murderer – Timothy’s own father Ronald. Deep in debt this class cunt decided to take out life insurance policies worth over $60,000 on his two children in order to claim the insurance money because, you know, that never looks suspicious, especially when they’re eight.
O’Bryan was executed in 1984 by lethal injection. During the execution, a crowd of college students wearing Halloween masks showed up to cheer as he took his final breath.
The song Candyman was written about this nomination for father of the year. That’s the one by Siouxie and the Banshees, by the way, not the song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Katy Perry (29), Ryan Reynolds (37), Kim Kardashian (33), Judge Judy (71), Snoop Dogg (42), Jeff Goldblum (61), Carrie Fisher (57), Keith Urban (46), Jaclyn Smith (68), Tom Petty (63), Cat Deeley (37), Hilary Clinton (66), Seth McFarlane (40), Viggo Mortansen (55), Kevin Kline (74), Nancy Cartwright (56), Carly Elwes (51), Weird Al Yankovic (54), Catherine Deneuve (70), Christopher Lloyd (75), Jon Heder (36), Jesse Tyler Ferguson (38), Ang Lee (59), Bill Wyman (77), Bob Hoskins (71), Spike Jonze (44), F. Murray Abraham (74), Pele (73) and Wayne Rooney (28).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Dead Pool 20th October 2013

Untitled-1Just a handful of vaguely familiar notables for you this week, but as always we’re bursting at the seems with amazingly interesting stories and a bunch of giggles and facts. Pretty much like the very recent plane crash in Belgium where ten skydivers, fully kitted out, died when the plane went down. Did none of them think if bailing out? Anyhow, without further ado, lets get on with it!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Cristina_FernandezFive days after undergoing brain surgery to remove a brain clot, President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner proves she can still count to five and has been allowed home to recover. She’s under strict instructions to rest for a minimum of thirty days, hence why I’ve sent her a Pilates DVD and hired a personal trainer for her. Has anyone else noticed that Argentina has stopped being a pain in the arse since she became ill? Women in power eh? First Thatcher now this one… Back into the kitchen with all of you! *runs for the hills*

nnaziFor those of you who pay attention, you may remember former Nazi Erich Priebke from last week. There’s been a slight problem in putting his body into the ground as more than 500 people clashed with his hearse and Nazi sympathisers during his funeral in Italy.

Argentina, where Priebke lived for 50 years before being extradited to Italy to face charges for war crimes, have also refused to take his body even though he has a plot next to his wife there. Now ‘the man who followed orders’ is chilling in a fridge at an Italian airbase.  The Vatican, that shrine dedicated to paedophilia, has also issued a ban on interring him on Roman Catholic land, I wonder what will happen to ex-Pope Nazi Benedict when he dies? His family have demanded his body back but due to so many protests and even Germany itself being a bit scared of his rotting corpse, things are looking like this will be a continuing saga for some time to come. Maybe he should have shown some remorse and apologised…

michael-bay-transformers4622The Transformers director Michael Bay got himself into a spot of bother in Hong Kong last week. As the story goes he was twatted one in the chops by an irate shop owner for missing him out on the embuggerance fee for filming on their patch. The little Chinese man demanded over £8k for the privilege of filming in front of his shitty little shop, no doubt Bay told him where to go as he’s famously known to be a bit of a firebrand himself. Anyhow, it all came to blows, Bay was floored and three Police officers also needed hospital treatment. I’m wondering if this little Chinese man was Jackie Chan…

On This Day

Moammar-GadhafiSixty six years ago today Senator Joe McCarthy begins investigating Communists in Hollywood; 58 years ago The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien is published; 45 years ago Jackie Kennedy marries Aristotle Onassis; 35 years ago the rock group The Police make their debut performance in the US and lastly, Libyan dictator General Gadaffi is killed by rebel forces, ending nearly 42 years of his rule.  So who died on this day? The aforementioned Muanmar al-Quaddafi a mere two years ago! The 31st President of The United States Herbert Hoover (1964) and Burt Lancaster (1994).

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Stu

Daniel-Camargo-BarbosaToday’s TFHD is Daniel Camargo Barbosa

Not the captain of the Black Pearl, this Barbosa was a Columbian who, in the seventies and eighties preyed on children, raping and murdering between 70-150.

Dismayed to find his lover, Esperanza, was not a virgin, he did what any other rational human being would and roped her into finding him young girls in order to drug and rape them. He told police after his arrest that he chose young virgins “because they cried”

Like an idiot, he failed to tie up loose ends and his fifth victim reported him to the police. After serving eight years for the rapes, he decided to add murder to his CV when he committed an impulse-rape whilst passing by a school.

His favourite trick was to pretend to be a lost old man, trying to find a church to deliver a large sum of money to. He would offer the girls money and the possibility of employment if they would help him find his destination. Upon entering the local woods “trying to find a short cut”  he would then rape his victim, before killing them and hacking, slashing and crushing the bodies with a machete, just to make sure they were really, really dead this time.

He was finally caught after going back to retrieve some television sets he was trying to sell, that he had accidentally left next to one of his victims (duh!) He was sentenced to 16 (sixteen!?) years in 1989, but thankfully somebody had the good sense to incarcerate him alongside the cousin of one of his victims, who did the world a favour and shanked him in 1994.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Marie Osmond (54), Zac Efron (26), Pam Dawber (62), Roger Moore (86), Sacha Baron Cohen (42), Suzannw Somers (67), Paul Simon (72), Angela Lansbury (88), George Wendt (65), Jon Favreau (47), John Lithgow (62), Flea (51), Wyclef Jean (44), Tim Robbins (55), Eminem (41), Nancy Kerrigan (44), Margot Kidder (65), Dominic West (44), Evander Holyfield (51), Jean-Claude van Damme (53), Martina Natratilova (57), Steve Coogan (48), Chuck Berry (87), Sarah Ferguson (54), Trey Parker (44), Ralph Lauren (74), Ernie Els (44), Jason Reitman (36), John le Carrê (82) and Sammy Hagar (66).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Dead Pool 13th October 2013

Untitled-1This week is full of deadly goodness for you my evil little poolers, we have points to be awarded and a new (hopefully) weekly section that is being written by one of our newest poolers, Vic. Please let her know your appreciation as writing for the Dead Pool isn’t an easy task. If anyone else has any submissions or ideas, please send them through.

So, onto the points!!! Yes, Erich Priebke, that very famous WWII SS Captain has died, thus giving Ashley his first points of the season and Dave even more points to widen the gap at the top of the table. Congratulations to both of you for scoring 50 points. That leaves only two of you yet to score with little less than two months to go but with both of you having Nelson Mandela on your lists, I’m sure we will have everyone scoring this year.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Tom-Hanks-Tom-Hanks-12227Tom Hanks has revealed he has Type II Diabetes due to being a fatty. Hard to believe since he looked like a Biafran in Castaway. The 57 year old actor say’s he’s managing things with diet and exercise. I’m sure we all wish him well, imagine a world without Tom Hanks films… Hang on… He should die for inflicting The Da Vinci Code on us!

451px-Cristinakirchnermensaje2010The Argentinian President, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner has undergone surgery to remove blood from her brain following complications from a fall in August. To everyones surprise they actually found a brain hiding in there. This illness comes hot on the heels of her recent operation for thyroid cancer in 2011 which turned out to be a misdiagnosis, but there must be something going on if you ask me. Perhaps she should stop looking for a fight with us and start paying off her country’s debt.

Christopher Lee to get Bafta honourIn a sure death sentence, Sir Christopher Lee will soon be awarded the fellowship award from the BFI. The 91 year old iconic actor is said to be bemused, seeing that his 68 year career spanning over 200 films is finally being recognised after such young actors as Saoirse Ronan have already been awarded the prize after appearing in a handful of shit films. Well done old man, I’m sure the statuette will look good collecting bird shit at the bottom of your garden.

On This Day

nero1959 years ago today Nero was crowned emperor of Rome, two months shy of his 17th birthday, we all know how that panned out. Even worse was 90 years ago today, the US enforced the Volstead Act, prohibiting the production, sale and transport of alcohol! What were they thinking?? Luckily The Beatles appeared on Sunday Night at the Palladium 50 years ago today, thus launching Beatlemania and the stellar rise of the Fab Four. But who died on this day? Nobody interesting, just Ed Sullivan, Le Duc Tho and Milton Hershey.

Thank Fuck He’s Dead by Vic

Joachim-Kroll1200This evil looking gnome is Joachim Kroll a German serial killer born in 1933. He was nicknamed the Ruhr Cannibal due to the fact he butchered and ate parts of his 14 victims as he claimed it was the best way for him to save money on his groceries when money was a bit tight! He obviously didn’t have access to value ranges! His favourite parts seemed to be slices of women’s buttocks! Finally arrested in 1976 officers found him simmering parts of his last victim, a 4 year old child called Marion Kettner in a pan, the rest of her was in his fridge.  Thankfully he died of a heart attack in prison in 1991.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Emily Deschanel (37), Simon Cowell (54), Sharon Osbourne (61), Matt Damon (43), Britt Ekland (71), Sigourney Weaver (64), Joan Cusack (51), Hugh Jackman (45), Jane Krakowski (45), Bruno Mars (28), Elizabeth Shue (50), Chevy Chase (70), Luke Perry (50), David Lee Roth (59), Paul Hogan (74), Scott Bakula (59), Daryl Hall (67), Tony Shalhoub (60), Thom Yorke (45), Stephen Moyer (44), Sean Lennon (38) and PJ Harvey (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!