With the death of the great Tony Benn, we have a few points to award. Congratulations to Julie and Chrissy, both scoring 62 points. To be honest I though more of us had him, including me, sadly this wasn’t so. Maybe old Tony should have been more aware of the Ides of March, I know I was and I’m still here! Anyhow, onwards to the frivolity.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Hal Douglas, 89, American voice actor and announcer, pancreatic cancer.
• William Clay Ford, Sr., 88, American businessman (Ford Motor Company, Detroit Lions), pneumonia.
• Eileen Colgan, 80, Irish actress (Far and Away, My Left Foot, Angela’s Ashes).
• Bob Crow, 52, British trade unionist, General Secretary of the RMT (since 2002), aneurysm and heart attack.
• Raymond Leslie Morris, 84, British child murderer (Cannock Chase murders), natural causes.
• Tony Benn, 88, British politician, Minister of Technology (1966–70), Secretary of State (1974–79), MP for Bristol South East (1950–60, 1963–83) and Chesterfield (1984–2001).

In Other News

Sadly I have to report the death of Wesley Warren, the man with the biggest testicles in the known universe! You might remember poor Warren from the Channel 4 documentary covering his life before and during his operation to remove his 10 stone balls. Tragically, even though he recovered from his testicular problem, he died of a heart attack related to his diabetes last week. Rest in peace old titan bollocks!

Chris Tarrant is recovering in hospital after suffering a mini-stroke. His manager, Paul Vaughan, said he had been taken ill on a flight to London from Bangkok in Thailand on Saturday and was taken to Charing Cross hospital. The 67-year-old broadcaster had been filming in Asia and South America before falling ill and Vaughan said he would not be going straight back to work after he is discharged,  much to the delight of everyone I’m sure.

After reporting last week that Michael Schumacher was turning into a cabbage, the German seems to be showing signs of improvement. One assumes he’s now a parsnip! Doctors treating the former F1 champion seem to think he’s going to pull through, maybe even reaching the complex state of lettuce by next week! If anyone can, I’m sure Michael can!

Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she is to undergo further preventative cancer surgery after she was subjected to a double mastectomy last year. The 38-year-old actress had the procedure after discovering she was at high risk of developing breast cancer. Jennifer Aniston is said to be punching the air and shouting something about ‘take that Brad…’

And finally a Pakistani martial arts expert has found notoriety after headbutting his way through 155 walnuts in one minute. His record-breaking attempt literally smashed the previous record of 44 walnuts. Surrounded by a crowd of onlookers and officials, Mohammad Rashid proceeded to crack a long line of walnuts laid out on a table using only his forehead. After his minute was up, a breathless Rashid looked pleased with his efforts. However a few of the walnuts clearly got the better of him, as he could be seen wiping away a few spots of blood from his head. One question though.. Why?

On This Day

• 1521 – Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines.
• 1912 – Lawrence Oates, an ill member of Robert Falcon Scott‘s South Pole expedition, left his tent to die, saying: “I am just going outside and may be some time.”
• 1926 – Robert Goddard launches the first liquid-fueled rocket, at Auburn, Massachusetts.
• 1958 – The Ford Motor Company produces its 50 millionth automobile, the Thunderbird, averaging almost a million cars a year since the company’s founding.
• 1968 – General Motors produces its 100 millionth automobile, the Oldsmobile Toronado.
• 1976 – British Prime Minister Harold Wilson resigns, citing personal reasons.
• 1995 – Mississippi formally ratifies the Thirteenth Amendment, becoming the last state to approve the abolition of slavery. The Thirteenth Amendment was officially ratified in 1865.

Deaths

• 37 – Tiberius, Roman emperor (b. 46 BC)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Juliette Binoche (50), Chuck Norris (74), Shannon Tweed (57), Sharon Stone (56), Robin Thicke (37), Olivia Wilde (30), Emeli Sande (27), Johnny Knoxville (43), Thora Birch (32), Liza Minnelli (68), Neil Sedaka (75), William H. Macy (64), Michael Caine (81), Quincy Jones (81), Billy Crystal (66), Eva Longoria (39), and Will.I.Am (39).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Not a good week to be a French director it seems, but nobody guessed their demises, so no harm done. I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed quite a few Star Trek actors and astronauts passing away recently, then I thought about it and realised that a lot of these people are ‘really’ old now. How did that happen?? Perhaps next year a list of spacemen is in order, actors and actual real ones!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Alain Resnais, 91, French film director (Night and Fog, Hiroshima mon amour).
• Stanley Rubin, 96, American film and television producer (Revenge, Bracken’s World, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir).
• Curtis McClarin, 44, American actor (The Happening, Law & Order), brain aneurysm.
• William R. Pogue, 84, American astronaut (Skylab) and Air Force pilot (Thunderbirds).
• Jean-Louis Bertucelli, 71, French film director (Ramparts of Clay, Docteur Françoise Gailland).
• Sheila MacRae, 93, English-born American actress (The Honeymooners).
• James Ellis, 82, Northern Irish actor (Z-Cars), stroke.
• Wendy Hughes, 61, Australian actress, cancer.

In Other News

Former British tennis number one Elena Baltacha has been diagnosed with cancer of the liver. Baltacha, 30, who retired last year, won 11 singles titles, made the third round of Wimbledon in 2002 and was part of Great Britain’s Fed Cup team for 11 years. At the age of 19, Baltacha was diagnosed with primary sclerosing cholangitis, a chronic liver condition which compromises the immune system. Let’s wish her well, but also keep an eye on her progress.

Actor Timothy West has told how his wife, Fawlty Towers star Prunella Scales, has been suffering from “a sort of mild Alzheimer’s”. The actress, now 81, is best known for her role as Basil Fawlty’s wife Sybil in the comedy Fawlty Towers. Scales says that she was determined not to let the condition keep her from the stage. “I always say I want to die on the eighth curtain call,” she says. “Eight will mean the show’s been rather a success. I just hope I’m somewhere near the middle and have been reasonably good in the part.” Can’t keep a good woman down they say!

Pope Francis inadvertently demonstrated his own fallibility during an address in St Peter’s Square when he mistakenly said the Italian word for “fuck”. The 77-year-old Jesuit Pope corrected himself almost immediately after making the gaffe during the audience at the Vatican on Sunday, but it was posted by Italians on YouTube and other social media and has since spread round the world.

This is the bizarre moment world-famous physicist Stephen Hawking joined fancy-dress revellers on a stag do. Chris Hallam, 29, and ten friends had gone out all dressed as Bananaman for a night on the town in Cambridge. The group turned a corner and bumped into Stephen Hawking getting out of his car. And they were stunned when the Brief History of Time author agreed to pose with them for a souvenir photo.

Lastly, I have to share this little story from The Telegraph last week. They’re implying that people aged between 55 and 65 that binge-drink at the weekend are twice as likely to die within 20 years than moderate drinkers. Well, no shit Sherlock! If I even reach 85 I’ll be quite happy, hopefully I’ll be drinking like a teenager too!  You also may have seen that being angry will increase your risk of dying early as well. Apparently being an angry cunt increases your chance of a heart attack by fivefold. Good I say, who needs a misery guts. Fuck giving them statins, let Darwinism make the world a nicer place.  If you are wondering if you are about to die, why not take the test! Luckily I live a quiet peaceful life in which I rarely talk to anyone and eat well and don’t smoke, so I’ll be here for a long time to annoy you with the Dead Pool. Luckily they don’t ask about how much you drink…

On This Day

• 1796 – Napoléon Bonaparte marries his first wife, Joséphine de Beauharnais.
• 1916 – Mexican Revolution: Pancho Villa leads nearly 500 Mexican raiders in an attack against the border town of Columbus, New Mexico.
• 1959 – The Barbie doll makes its debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.
• 1961 – Sputnik 9 successfully launches, carrying a human dummy nicknamed Ivan Ivanovich, and demonstrating that Soviet Union was ready to begin human spaceflight.
• 2011 – Space Shuttle Discovery makes its final landing after 39 flights.

Deaths

• 1996 – George Burns, American actor and singer (b. 1896).
• 1997 – The Notorious B.I.G., American rapper (Junior M.A.F.I.A.) (b. 1972).

Horrible Ways to Die #4 – Hanged, Drawn & Quartered by Dexychik

High treason, meaning to plot against the crown, only stopped being a capital, offence in 1998. And from the mid-14th century until 1817, the punishment for most men who committed high treason was to be hanged, drawn and quartered. If you were very noble, you might get your sentence commuted to a straightforward beheading.

Everyone who’s seen Braveheart has a vague idea of what being hanged, drawn and quartered (or HDQ’d, for brevity) means. The man would be hanged until nearly unconscious, then have his innards removed, and then be chopped into four pieces, which were sent to be displayed around the kingdom as a deterrent. People came in their droves to watch this happen: it was considered a legitimate family entertainment. Imagine that nowadays: “What’s happening Saturday?” “Oh, X Factor’s back on, but someone’s being killed on Channel Xecution!”

So, what does it really mean to be HDQ’d? The captive was usually taken to their execution site on a hurdle, meaning pulled along behind a horse, tied to some wood. This would chafe…

The first thing to know about old style execution is that hanging in ye olden times was not the ‘long drop’. That came much later, when a clever man worked out how long a drop was necessary to break a criminal’s neck and reduce suffering. When talking about HDQ’ing, the hanging element meant being strung up by the neck and being choked. This could take bloody hours, and in straightforward executions, the family were allowed to pull the convict’s legs to end his or her suffering. This wouldn’t happen in a HDQ, consciousness was considered necessary.

The drawing wouldn’t be terribly pleasant to watch, or smell. The abdomen was opened up, and the bowel pulled out for all to see. There is a report that, in 1660, General Thomas Harrison smacked his executioner on the head after being disembowelled. That’s some spirit, and proof that being disembowelled isn’t necessarily painful enough to render a man unconscious or incapable. The guts were usually burned in front of the man’s eyes.

The quartering wouldn’t be fun to watch, but the convict was beheaded first, then hacked up. Back in ye olden days, this sort of posthumous disfigurement was considered a Bad Thing, as the body was needed whole for the afterlife. This is one of the reasons corpses of criminals were the only ones used for anatomy lessons, and why being HDQ’d stopped – the bodies were too mutilated to use in surgical lectures.

The moral here is, don’t plot against the monarch, if a horrible punishment is on the statute books. Thankfully, it’s now punishable by life imprisonment, so plot at will.

Next time: syphilis (pre-modern-therapy) OR boiled to death. You choose!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tom Wolfe (84), John Irving (72), Jon Bon Jovi (52), Daniel Craig (46), Chris Martin (37), Jennifer Warnes (67), Miranda Richardson (56), Jessica Biel (32), Bobby Womack (70), Shakin’ Stevens (66), Chris Rea (63), Patsy Kensit (46), Dean Stockwell (78), Eddy Grant (66), Penn Jillette (59), Craig & Charlie Reed of The Proclaimers (52), Eva Mendes (39), David Gilmour (68), Rob Reiner (67), Kiki Dee (67), Tom Arnold (55), Bryan Cranston (58), Rachel Weisz (43), TJ Thyne (39), Micky Dolenz (69), Gary Numan (56) and Tom Chaplin (35).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Wonder of wonders! We have a point scorer ladies and gentlemen! Lee correctly predicted the death of Alice Herz-Sommer, but not only this, he listed her as his Woman, thus garnering himself a lovely 140 points, propelling himself unto the giddy heights of first place on the leader board! Well done that man!  Also I have to mention Harold Ramis. It’s without doubt that the man was a genius of comedy and it’s not too much to say that a small part of everyones past died with him. Imagine a world without Ghostbusters or Groundhog Day, its not even worth contemplating!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Alice Herz-Sommer, 110, Czech-British supercentenarian, world’s oldest Holocaust survivor, subject of The Lady in Number 6.
• Mike Parker, 84, British-born American typographer and software executive, helped popularise use of Helvetica.
• Harold Ramis, 69, American writer, director and actor (Groundhog Day, Vacation, Ghostbusters), vasculitis.
• Aaron Allston, 53, American game designer (Dungeons & Dragons) and sci-fi author (X-Wing), heart failure.

In Other News

Nearly two months after Michael Schumacher suffered a serious head injury in a skiing accident, neurologists say the seven-time Formula One champion seems unlikely to make a full recovery.  The 45-year-old fell while skiing in France and hit the right side of his head on a rock, cracking his helmet. Doctors operated to remove blood clots from his brain but some were left because they were too deeply embedded. Due to the length of time he’s been in a coma he’s very likely to awaken as a vegetable!

The Oscar-winning actress Dame Judi Dench has spoken of how her failing eyesight has left her unable to read scripts and struggling to watch films. Dench suffers from macular degeneration, an age-related condition that leads to a gradual loss of vision, which her mother also had. But the actress, 79, who has notched up 95 award nominations during her illustrious career, balked at suggestions her career would slow down because of failing health.

If you think you’re having a bad day, think about this poor sperm whale! The whale died when it became stranded on the Kent coast near Seasalter more than a week ago. Its decomposing body was left there for five days until it was removed and loaded on to the back of a lorry to be taken to a landfill site. The huge carcass was covered by a tarpaulin and strapped onto the rear of a flat-bed truck with part of it overhanging the back. But the sight and smell of it travelling along the A2 towards Canterbury on a weekday afternoon left some drivers choking at the wheel.   A witness said: “There was a Land Rover in front and behind, flashing orange lights and this massive whale with its head and tail chopped off. There was blood and guts dropping off the back and everything. The smell was unbelievable! I’ve worked near an abattoir and that smelled bad, but this was something else.”   They should count their lucky stars that the whale didn’t pop open like the one pictured on the left! Apparently it took 50 Taiwanese workers 13 hours to clean up after this whale exploded in 2004 whilst being transported.

But as bad days go, maybe this bloke had a worse one… Poor old Walter Williams, an inhabitant of Mississippi was found literally ‘alive and kicking’ in a body bag at a funeral home after being declared dead. Workers at Porter and Sons Funeral Home were preparing to embalm Walter when he moved. I bet there were a few loose sphincters abound when the poor old sod managed to stir.

On This Day

• 1657 – Great Fire of Meireki: A fire in Edo (now Tokyo), Japan, caused more than 100,000 deaths; it lasted three days.
• 1797 – The Bank of England issues the first one-pound and two-pound banknotes.
• 1882 – Queen Victoria narrowly escapes an assassination attempt by Roderick McLean in Windsor.
• 1933 – The film King Kong opens at New York’s Radio City Music Hall.
• 1949 – Captain James Gallagher lands his B-50 Superfortress Lucky Lady II in Fort Worth, Texas after completing the first non-stop around-the-world airplane flight in 94 hours and one minute.
• 1969 – In Toulouse, France, the first test flight of the Anglo-French Concorde is conducted.
• 1983 – Compact Discs and players are released for the first time in the United States and other markets. They had previously been available only in Japan.

Deaths

• 1791 – John Wesley, English cleric and theologian (b. 1703)
• 1930 – D. H. Lawrence, English author, poet, and playwright (b. 1885)
• 1939 – Howard Carter, English archaeologist (b. 1874)
• 1982 – Philip K. Dick, American author (b. 1928)
• 1999 – Dusty Springfield, English singer (The Lana Sisters and The Springfields) (b. 1939)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Peter Fonda (74), Howard Jones (59), Kelly MacDonald (38), Emily Blunt (31), Dakota Fanning (20), Abe Vigoda (93), Edward James Olmos (67), George Thorogood (64), Billy Zane (48), Tea Leoni (48), Sean Astin (43), Fats Domino (86), Michael Bolton (61), Joanne Woodward (84), Adam Baldwin (52), Mercedes Ruehl (66), John Turturro (57), Harry Belafonte (87), Robert Conrad (79), Roger Daltrey (70), Ron Howard (60), Javier Bardem (45) and Justin Bieber (20).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

The weeks fly by don’t they! Here we are again, mulling over celebrity deaths only to find that nobody has scored any points this week. It almost feels like a Star Wars themed week with the deaths of two bit-part actors, but it also highlights that the main cast are getting on and perhaps it’s time to add their names to your prospective lists for next year! It’s hard to believe that Han Solo is 71 and young Luke Skywalker is 62, but Leia, his twin sister is only 57, go figure…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Cliff Bole, 76, American television director (MacGyver, The Six Million Dollar Man, Star Trek: The Next Generation).
• Jamie Coots, 41, American snake-handling pastor, snakebite.
• Christopher Malcolm, 67, Scottish actor (The Empire Strikes Back, Highlander, The Rocky Horror Show).
• Jimmy Murakami, 80, American animator and film director (When the Wind Blows).
• Nelson Frazier, Jr., 43, American professional wrestler (World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment 1993–2008), heart attack.
• Malcolm Tierney, 75, British actor (Doctor Who, Star Wars, Braveheart).
• Maria Franziska von Trapp, 99, Austrian-born American singer, portrayed in The Sound of Music.
• Dale Gardner, 65, American astronaut (STS-8, STS-51-A), brain aneurysm.
• Valeri Kubasov, 79, Russian cosmonaut (Soyuz 6, Apollo-Soyuz Test Project/Soyuz 19, Soyuz 36).

In Other News

The former French president, Jacques Chirac, who has been in poor health for several years, was taken to hospital on Monday night. An ambulance with an escort of police motorcycles carried the 81-year-old from his home to the American Hospital of Paris in the suburb of Neuilly. He was reportedly suffering from “an acute episode of gout”, which no doubt necessitated a police escort, after all, a sore big toe is of huge national concern. Following a stroke in 2005 he’s also had surgery to remove kidney stones in December.

Rock veteran David Crosby is postponing the remainder of his solo tour after undergoing heart surgery. The Crosby, Stills and Nash star was due to perform in San Francisco and Los Angeles later this month but he has revealed that he underwent a cardiac catheterisation and angiogram on 14th February. Crosby is “expected to have a full recovery. He did not have a heart attack, though it is certain that had he chosen to ignore his doctor’s urgent recommendation, it would have led to one… the left anterior coronary artery was found to be 90% blocked, and two stents have been placed to provide blood flow to his heart muscle.”

The BBC has announced that David Dimbleby is to host his final general election programme next year. It will be the ninth edition fronted by the 75-year-old, who first hosted the results programme in 1979 when Margaret Thatcher became prime minister. Is this an admission by Dimbleby that he’s getting old and ready to retire? Will he also give up on Question Time? Is he about to die?

Three-time golf Major winner, Padraig Harrington, has revealed that he has undergone treatment for skin cancer. Harrington, whose father Patrick died from cancer, underwent surgery for “sun spots” and spoke out in a bid to raise awareness. Let’s keep an eye on his game shall we…

Plans for a lavish $1m celebration of Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe’s 90th birthday have been condemned as the country lurches towards another financial crisis. The costly celebration, criticised as cultism and hero worship, comes at a time of heavy job losses and slowing economic growth. Mugabe, who continues to defy the march of time and constant health speculation, also travelled to Singapore this week for cataract surgery on his left eye. Looks like the old cunt is here to stay.

On This Day

• 532 – Byzantine Emperor Justinian I orders the building of a new Orthodox Christian basilica in Constantinople – the Hagia Sophia.
• 1455 – Traditional date for the publication of the Gutenberg Bible, the first Western book printed with movable type.
• 1739 – Richard Palmer is identified at York Castle, by his former schoolteacher, as the outlaw Dick Turpin.
• 1886 – Charles Martin Hall produced the first samples of man-made aluminum, after several years of intensive work. He was assisted in this project by his older sister Julia Brainerd Hall.
• 1927 – German theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg writes a letter to fellow physicist Wolfgang Pauli, in which he describes his uncertainty principle for the first time.
• 1941 – Plutonium is first produced and isolated by Dr. Glenn T. Seaborg.
• 1947 – The International Organization for Standardization (ISO) is founded.

Deaths

• 1821 – John Keats, English poet (b. 1795)
• 1848 – John Quincy Adams, 6th President of the United States (b. 1767)
• 1931 – Nellie Melba, Australian soprano (b. 1861)
• 1934 – Edward Elgar, English composer (b. 1857)
• 1965 – Stan Laurel, English actor and director (b. 1890)
• 1976 – L. S. Lowry, English painter (b. 1887)
• 1995 – James Herriot, English surgeon and author (b. 1916)
• 2000 – Stanley Matthews, English footballer (b. 1915)

Male, Poor, Lonely & Fat? by KoA

In a blow to my self-confidence, scientists have found that the loneliest are nearly twice as likely to die during their six-year study than the least lonely.

Loneliness can be twice as unhealthy as obesity, according to researchers who found that feelings of isolation can have a devastating impact on people. The scientists tracked more than 2,000 people aged 50 and over and found that the loneliest were nearly twice as likely to die.

Compared with the average person in the study, those who reported being lonely had a 14% greater risk of dying. The figure means that loneliness has around twice the impact on an early death as obesity. Poverty increased the risk of an early death by 19%.

Previous studies have linked loneliness to a range of health problems, from high blood pressure and a weakened immune system to a greater risk of depression, heart attack and strokes.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, The Samaritans say that the male suicide rate in the UK was 3½ times that of women in 2012, the highest ratio between the sexes in more than 30 years. Men between the 40-44 age bracket seem to be the best at killing themselves if you want to know.

There were 4,590 male suicides registered in 2012, compared with 1,391 female, equating to 18.2 per 100,000 men and 5.2 per 100,000 women, according to the Office for National Statistics.

So adding all of those statistics up means that I have a 238% chance of being dead and most likely I died by my own hand. I hate to break it to the ONS, but I’m still here…

Last Week’s Birthdays

LeVar Burton (57), Ice T (56), Hal Holbrook (89), Barry Humphries (80), Brenda Fricker (69), Rene Russo (60), Lou Diamond Phillips (52), Dominic Purcell (44), Denise Richards (43), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (33), George Kennedy (89), Milos Forman (82), Yoko Ono (81), Cybill Shepherd (64), Randy Crawford (62), John Travolta (60), Matt Dillon (50), Dr Dre (49), Molly Ringwald (46), Smokey Robinson (74), Tony Iommi (66), Jeff Daniels (59), Seal (51), Benicio Del Toro (47),  Sidney Poitier (87), Brenda Blethyn (68), Anthony Stewart Head (60), Cindy Crawford (48), Rihanna (26), Peter McEnery (74), Tyne Daly (68), Anthony Daniels (68), Alan Rickman (68), Kelsey Grammer (59), William Baldwin (51), Jennifer Love Hewitt (35), Charlotte Church (28), Ellen Page (27), Jonathan Demme (70), Julie Walters (64), Kyle MacLachlan (55), Jeri Ryan (46), Thomas Jane (45), Drew Barrymore (39) and finally, James Blunt (37).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome one and all to a special Valentine’s edition of the Dead Pool!  Undoubtedly one of the busiest weeks we’ve had in a while, the league table has changed somewhat with three scoring famous faces biting the bullet during the last week. So 68 points go to Jim for guessing Stuart Hall, not the paedo Hall, the other one, and no complaining from the rest of you who had the paedo Hall on your list, I know the difference! Julie totals 65 points for Shirley Temple, astounding that nobody else had her, maybe you all thought she was dead already. Last but not least, Trish scored 59 points for the footballer, Sir Tom Finney. Well done you lot.

Now onto the frivolity…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Christopher Barry, 88, British television director (Doctor Who).
• Marius, 1, Danish giraffe, shot.
• Gabriel Axel, 95, Danish film director (Babette’s Feast) and actor.
• Shirley Temple, 85, American actress and diplomat, recipient of the Academy Juvenile Award (1935), Ambassador to Ghana (1974–1976) and Czechoslovakia (1989–1992), natural causes.
• Stuart Hall, 82, Jamaican-born British cultural theorist.
• Els Borst, 81, Dutch politician, Deputy Prime Minister (1998–2002), suspected homicide.
• Sid Caesar, 91, American Emmy Award-winning comedian and actor (Your Show of Shows, Grease, It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World).
• Ralph Waite, 85, American actor (The Waltons, Roots, Cliffhanger).
• Ken Jones, 83, British actor (Porridge, The Squirrels), bowel cancer.
• John Henson, 48, American puppeteer (Sweetums), heart attack.
• Sir Tom Finney, 91, English footballer (Preston North End).

In Other News

In a story befitting of our Valentine’s edition, the dead bodies of a woman of 94 and a man of 55 have been found locked in an embrace in the flat they shared in the south-west French city of Bordeaux. Emergency services entered the flat after being alerted by a caretaker, whose suspicions were aroused by the smell on the stairs. They had lived together for five years or more, since the woman took the man in from a life on the streets. When a fall two years ago largely confined her to the flat, he stayed on. Forensics experts believe the man, Didier Delavigne, died first and the woman, Elisabeth Devidas, died shortly afterwards. She was found on Monday afternoon with her arm wrapped around her companion in their bed in the flat, close to Bordeaux railway station. Awwww…

The veteran leftwinger and former Labour cabinet minister Tony Benn was admitted to hospital on Saturday. Benn, 88, who suffered a stroke in 2012, is understood to be seriously ill. A family spokesman said: “Tony was taken to hospital on Saturday evening after feeling unwell. He is currently receiving treatment.” Let’s hope he gets better, we need more men like him in this country otherwise we’ll end up being Cameron’s anal bitches.

Formula 1 legend Michael Schumacher, who is still lying in a semi-coma in a French hospital, has contracted a lung infection. The effects on the fragile state of health of the 45-year-old are unknown, but by the sound of it, they don’t sound promising. With little information being given to media, the hospital has been left to fend off rumours. Last Thursday, it had to deny speculation flaring on social networks that Schumacher had died. Let’s see how this plays out.

Lastly, I suppose we should apologise to the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee Travis and Ken Barlow actor, William Roache. Both have been found innocent of fucking little children and thus are unlikely to die horrible deaths at the hands of fellow inmates. This must give Rolf Harris some comfort in his upcoming trial.  I’ll not spark a debate on the justification of publishing their names before they were given a fair trial, but innocent is innocent, even though they will be carrying the stink of the accusation until the end of time.  We’ve also heard they are starting a new business together, so if you feel comfortable allowing these two men babysit your kids, please feel free to use their services. www.DLTKB-babysittingservices.com

On This Day

• 1874 – Silver Dollar becomes legal US tender.
• 1923 – Howard Carter unseals the burial chamber of Pharaoh Tutankhamun.
• 1957 – The “Toddlers’ Truce“, a controversial television close down between 6.00 pm and 7.00 pm is abolished in the United Kingdom.
• 1959 – Fidel Castro becomes Premier of Cuba after dictator Fulgencio Batista was overthrown on January 1.
• 1968 – In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service.
• 1978 – The first computer bulletin board system is created (CBBS in Chicago, Illinois).
• 2006 – The last Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH) is decommissioned by the United States Army.

Deaths

• 1924 – John William Kendrick, American railroad executive (b. 1853)
• 1924 – Wilhelm Schmidt, German pioneer of superheated steam for use in locomotives (b. 1858)
• 1992 – Angela Carter, English author and journalist (b. 1940)
• 2001 – Howard W. Koch, American director and producer (b. 1916)

The Dark Origins of Valentine’s Day by KoA

Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate romance and love, unless you observe SAD, Single Awareness Day. But the origins of this festival of kissy-face fealty and cupids are actually dark, bloody and a bit muddled.

Although nobody knows for sure the exact origin, one good place to start is Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.  Usually the wild and crazy Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia from February 13th to 15th by sacrificing a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain. Obviously everyone was drunk and naked and the women lined up to be flogged by the bloody skins as they believed this would make them fertile.  The fete included a matchmaking lottery in which young men drew the names of the women from a jar. The lucky pair would then be coupled for the duration of the festival. Sounds bloody amazing doesn’t it, much better than chocolate and roses.

The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day marketing success. Emperor Claudius II  executed two men called Valentine, both of February 14th but on different years. Their apparent martyrdom was honoured by the Christians, hence St. Valentine.  One of them, a holy priest, defied Claudius by performing banned marriages due to the over attachment of his soldiers to their wives. He was found out and ordered to be put to death. Condemned, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded, as you do, but legend has it he left a letter for the jailers daughter, who became his ‘friend’ and signed it, ‘from your Valentine’.

However, all this bloody goodness was put to an end by the Christians, who put everyones clothes back on and stopped everyone drinking and having amazing drunken orgies.  As the years went on, Chaucer and Shakespeare managed to romanticise the day through their works and, lo and behold, by the 19th century the Hallmark company capitalised upon peoples idiocy by mass producing sick-inducing cards for the less imaginative amongst us.

Hands up who wants to return to the Roman version!!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Joe Pesci (71), Mia Farrow (69), Robert Wagner (84), Laura Dern (47), Elizabeth Banks (40), Chloe Grace Moretz (17), Burt Reynolds (78), Sheryl Crow (52), Jennifer Aniston (45), Franco Ziffirelli (91), Michael Ironside (64), Arsenio Hall (58), Josh Brolin (46), Sarah Lancaster (34), Christina Ricci (34), Kim Novak (81), George Segal (80), Peter Tork (72), Stockard Channing (70), Jerry Springer (70), Peter Gabriel (64), Mena Suvari (35), Teller (66), Meg Tilly (54), Jane Seymour (63), Matt Groenig (60) and Ali Campbell (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!