Salutations my avid readers and fellow followers of death! Surprisingly, no points this week, even though the oldest man in Germany died and the oldest guy to have been verified died too, I thought you lot were better than this!  I implore you  all to take note of all the birthdays for last week, almost three quarters of them are ripe for the coffin, many names to keep in mind for your lists next year, and don’t be squeamish, just because you idolise them doesn’t mean you can’t list them!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Rubin Carter, 76, American middleweight boxer wrongfully convicted of murder, subject of “Hurricane” and The Hurricane, prostate cancer.
• Gertrud Henze, 112, German supercentenarian, oldest person in Germany.
• Arturo Licata, 111, Italian supercentenarian, world’s oldest verified living man.
• Mark Shand, 62, British travel writer and conservationist, injuries sustained from a fall.

In Other News

Lets start off with a feel good story. A couple who held hands at breakfast every morning even after 70 years of marriage have died 15 hours apart. Helen Felumlee (92), of Nashport, Ohio, died on April 12. Her husband, 91-year-old Kenneth Felumlee, died the next morning. The couple’s eight children say the two had been inseparable since meeting as teenagers, once sharing the bottom of a bunk bed on a ferry rather than sleeping one night apart. Let’s wish the family well and hope both life-long lovers are happy in whatever afterlife they believed in.

Proving that God does have a sense of humour, a man has been crushed to death by a giant crucifix dedicated to Pope John Paul II, days before the said ex-pontiff is to be canonised. In a bizarre coincidence, the 21-year-old man was reported to have been living in a street named after Pope John XXIII, who is also going to be canonised this weekend. Perhaps God is sending a message, that mere men, no matter how pious and good they were in life, were just men. Who said religion was good for you?

French free-climber, Alain Robert, also known as the ‘French Spiderman’, climbed the Galaxy Macau Tower bare-handed on Wednesday. The climbing stunt was a part of a series of events and activities planned to promote the film, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Surprisingly, Robert has never been listed on any of the Dead Pool lists, ever! One would think that a man that loves to climb buildings with his bare hands and a bag of chalk should be listed each year, but who am I to judge. If you fancy feeling a bit sick to the bottom of your stomach, Google some of his climbs.

On This Day

• 1521 – Battle of Mactan: Explorer Ferdinand Magellan is killed by natives in the Philippines led by chief Lapu-Lapu.
• 1667 – The blind and impoverished John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10.
• 1840 – Foundation stone for new Palace of Westminster, London, is laid by wife of Sir Charles Barry.
• 1950 – Apartheid: In South Africa, the Group Areas Act is passed formally segregating races.
• 1981 – Xerox PARC introduces the computer mouse.
• 1992 – Betty Boothroyd becomes the first woman to be elected Speaker of the British House of Commons in its 700-year history.

Deaths

• 1521 – Ferdinand Magellan, Portuguese explorer (b. 1480)
• 1882 – Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet (b. 1803)

Thank Fuck We’re Not All Dead by KoA

There are many instances during our lifetimes that due to some fuck up we should be grateful that we are alive. Could be that your fuck up was not looking when you were crossing the street, for others the fuck up is slightly more grievous. Take for instance, if you were working at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant on 26th April 1986. Yup, 28 years ago this weekend, someone had a bad day at work.

The Chernobyl disaster is the worst nuclear power plant accident in history in terms of cost and resulting deaths, and is one of only two classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale (the other being the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in 2011). The battle to contain the contamination and avert a greater catastrophe ultimately involved over 500,000 workers and cost an estimated 18 billion rubles. During the accident itself only 31 people died, but long-term effects such as cancers and deformities are still being accounted for.

The disaster began during a systems test, there was a sudden and unexpected power surge, and when an emergency shutdown was attempted, an exponentially larger spike in power output occurred, which led to a reactor vessel rupture and a series of steam explosions. These events exposed the graphite moderator of the reactor to air, causing it to ignite. The rest is probably easier to explain by the word BOOM!

Those of us old enough to remember will recall that the resulting radioactive fallout entered the atmosphere and travelled extensively over the planet. Personally, I remember that the local lamb in Wales was off the menu for decades after, many farmers going under because their livestock was too contaminated to sell and their lands being unusable, such sanctions only recently having been lifted.

So after the area was brought under some kind of control, an area extending 30 kilometres in all directions from the plant was officially called the “zone of alienation”. It is largely uninhabited, except for about 300 residents who have refused to leave. The area has largely reverted to forest, and has been overrun by wildlife because of a lack of competition with humans for space and resources. Even today, radiation levels are so high that the workers responsible for rebuilding the sarcophagus are only allowed to work five hours a day for one month before taking 15 days of rest. Ukrainian officials estimate the area will not be safe for human life again for another 20,000 years.

So the next time you’re having a bad day at work, just think how much worse it could be!

Last Week’s Birthdays

George Takei (77), Ryan O’Neal (73), Iggy Pop (67), The Queen (88), Tony Danza (63), Jack Nicholson (77), Lee Majors (75), Glen Campbell (78), Michael Moore (60), Shirley MMacLaine (80), Barbra Streisand (72), Hank Azaria (50), Al Pacino (70), Channing Tatum (33), Renee Zellweger (45), Jessica Lange (65), Clint Howard (55), Andy Serkis (50), Carmen Electra (42), Charles Grodin (79), Andie MacDowell (56), James McAvoy (35), Charlotte Rae (88), Estelle Harris (86), John Waters (68), Sheryl Lee (47), Djimon Hounsou (50), Len Goodman (70), Bjorn Ulvaeus (69), Joan Chen (53) and Jet Li (51).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all, on what  would have been Adolf Hitler’s  125th birthday, no doubt had  things turned out differently, we’d be celebrating a national holiday, oh, hang on, we are! Some other guy died, thus creating the Easter Break. Lucky eh? Perhaps we should take this as a precedent and murder other holy people every few weeks so we can have a couple of days off each month. Anyone care to offer up some names?

No deaths last week, so no points, again a slight dearth of celebrity deaths, but when has that held us back?

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Edna Doré, 92, British actress (EastEnders), emphysema.
• Gabriel García Márquez, 87, Colombian author (One Hundred Years of Solitude, Love in the Time of Cholera), laureate of the Nobel Prize in Literature (1982), pneumonia.
• Derek Cooper, 88, British broadcaster (The Food Programme) and food journalist, Parkinson’s disease.

In Other News

BBC News presenter George Alagiah has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. The presenter of the BBC News at Six, Ten and GMT on BBC World News will take a break from his on-air duties while he undergoes treatment. A statement from the BBC said: “He’s grateful for all the good wishes he has received thus far and is optimistic for a positive outcome.” Alagiah, 58, first joined the BBC in 1989 and spent many years as one of the BBC’s leading foreign correspondents before moving to presenting, reporting on events such as the genocide in Rwanda and the conflict in Kosovo.

Bob Wilson, the former Arsenal goalkeeper and broadcaster, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Wilson, 72, who played more than 230 times for Arsenal during the 1960s and 70s and  who was capped twice by Scotland, has cancelled work and charity commitments while he has treatment. The former BBC TV presenter said: “I am very confident that the treatment I am receiving will prove successful and kindly ask that my privacy is respected at this time.”

After two sad pieces of news, I feel we need a feel-good story, so lets have a laugh at David Cameron being stung by a jellyfish. Whilst bobbing gently in the Spanish waters of Lanzarote, the prize cunt was attacked by an aquatic hero. It seems other bathers warned the PM that there were ‘loads of jellies down there’ so he rushed in to save his children. If only he’d do the same thing for this country. Sadly the sting he received, which left him shouting in pain, didn’t even require medical treatment. The not so transparent creature with a frightening lack of substance will be returning to work at Westminster next week, the jelly fish will be awarded the OBE in this years honours list.  

Pensions minister, Steve Webb, is keen to tell pensioners upon their day of retirement how long they have left to live. Estimates of life expectancy would be based on factors such as gender, where they live, and whether they smoke. The information would help them plan their finances more efficiently, according to the minister. It’s a shame he feels that people who have paid into the system all their working lives are suddenly a burden upon us all, I’d hate to be his father. If you feel the need to guesstimate your date of demise, have a go here. Personally I’m going to die on Saturday 23rd May 2037, so I won’t even see my retirement, much to the joy of Steve Webb. 

On This Day

• 1862– Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard complete the experiment falsifying the theory of spontaneous generation.
• 1902 – Pierre and Marie Curie refine radium chloride.
• 1918– Manfred von Richthofen, aka The Red Baron, shoots down his 79th and 80th victims, his final victories before his death the following day.
• 1926– Western Electric  announce Vitaphone, a process to add sound to film.
• 1939– Adolf Hitler’s 50th birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in Nazi Germany.
• 1951– Dan Gavriliu performs the first surgical replacement of a human organ.
• 1964– BBC Two launches with a power cut because of the fire at Battersea Power Station.
• 1968–English politician Enoch Powell makes his controversial Rivers of Blood speech.
• 1999 – Columbine High School massacre: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 13 people and injure 24 others before committing suicide at Columbine High School in Columbine, Colorado.
• 2010–The Deepwater Horizon drilling rig explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, killing eleven workers and beginning an oil spill that would last six months.

Deaths

• 1912– Bram Stoker, Irish author (b. 1847)
• 1991– Don Siegel, American director and producer (b. 1912)
• 1992– Benny Hill, English comedian and actor (b. 1924)
• 1999– Rick Rude, American wrestler (b. 1958)

Horrible Ways to Die #6 by Dexychik

In the spirit of Easter, the theme of the week is crucifixion.

Now, crucifixion was used by Greeks, Romans, Persians and Carthginians as capital punishment. In terms of the gospel, Jesus probably didn’t carry his own cross to Golgotha, because it would have been enormously heavy. However, the victim usually carried the crosspiece of their cross, before being flogged.  This was the part their hands were nailed or bound to.

Now, the placement of the nails are not precisely known because there’s little archaeological evidence, and translations are unreliable, but the nails were either put through the palm of the hand, or through the radial part of the arm, using the arm bones as support to stop the arm being dragged down over the nail. Of the two, the palm would be more painful if the nerves in the palm were severed.

Once nailed to the crossbar, the crossbar was nailed to a vertical stake. The feet of the victim were nailed into place, both at ankle and through the sole into a support just below the feet, again to stop the feet slipping. The cross wouldn’t be particularly huge, probably suspending the victim only a couple of feet or so above the ground.

So far so hideous.

Crucifixion was a very slow death. It took days. Part of the reason the gospel crucifixion is different is that Jesus died in three hours. There is an explanation in the text – someone pushed a vinegar-soaked sponge into Jesus’ face. He then threw his head back and died. Throwing your head back when being crucified will cause your chest to expand, but not be able to deflate again. It’s likely that Jesus, or whoever the writer based the story on, suffocated. People were not usually tortured once up – the Roman stabbing Jesus to check he was dead was probably because his death was unexpectedly quick. The legs of crucified people were often broken to speed death up.

Death was usually from a combination of blood-loss, shock, exposure, and dehydration. Infection could also play a part – imagine how long you’d be hanging for a localised infection to kick in.

People could be crucified upside down, which meant a much faster death. There were also different models of cross, aside from the tradition one of Christianity.  The crux immissa had four arms to attach the limbs of the victim. The crux commissa had three arms, and the crux decussata was the same as a St Andrew’s Cross, allowing the victim to be spreadeagled and mutilated.

The body was left on the cross until it rotted away, as a deterrent. And the practice continued in Japan until the 19th century, although most other countries had stopped by the middle ages. Non-lethal crucifixion is occasionally practised as a devotional act, frowned upon by the Roman Catholic church, and as a punishment in Yemen.

Happy Easter! Next time, being broken on a wheel!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Adrien Brody (41), Loretta Lynn (82), Anthony Michael Hall (46), Emma Thompson (55), Emma Watson (24), Seth Rogen (32), Benedict XVI (87), Ellen Barkin (60), Victoria Beckham (40), Jennifer Garner (42), Conan O’Brien (51), James Franco (36), Tim Curry (68), Edward Fox (77), Al Green (68), Ron Perlman (64), Julie Christie (74), Robert Carlyle (53), Sarah Michelle Gellar (37), Samantha Fox (48), Bobby Vinton (79), Jimmy Osmond (51), Martin Lawrence (49), Lukas Haas (38), Jan Hammer (66), Sean Bean (55), Hayley Mills (68), James Woods (67) and Rick Moranis (61).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Bit of a slow week this week, maybe because I  robbed Mickey Rooney and Peaches Geldof from Monday onto last weeks newsletter, I only have myself to blame, I should write things on time! So we only have the sad deaths of Adrian Mole creator, Sue Townsend, and the early death of The  Ultimate Warrior to entertain us. With Warriors demise, its perhaps pertinent to take a look at the ageing WWF wrestlers, all of which will be struggling to keep their steroid addled hearts going, and lets face it, all that shouting and brutal jumping around in front of the American public is enough to put a strain on anyone!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• The Ultimate Warrior, 54, American Hall of Fame professional wrestler (WWE).
• Sue Townsend, 68, British novelist and playwright (Adrian Mole series), stroke.
• And a whole horde of others that I didn’t recognise at all!

In Other News

By the time you have read this we will know if Mo Farah has won the London Marathon to not, or perhaps he’s actually dead a mile before the finishing line if last month’s collapse at the New York Marathon is anything to go by! Mo was unconscious for three minutes after finishing second and carted off in a wheelchair, all because he suffered a slight fall and got a bit cold. Doesn’t sound all that fit to me! Let’s wish him well anyway, nobody has him on their lists, so him dying would be a bit of a waste!

The former Bishop of Gloucester, The Rt Rev Peter Ball was due to appear in court to answer allegations of sex offences dating back to the 1970’s but was too unwell to appear. The 82 year old faces charges of fucking little boys in his care. I think this is the same guy I agreed to spend the evening with incarcerated in a prison cell for charity, thank fuck that fell through, otherwise if he’d tried anything I’d have been one facing a lengthy jail sentence for the murder of a Bishop! Let’s hope the dirty old cunt dies in jail.

It’s sad to hear that the remains of Mickey Rooney are being fought over by his relatives. The 93 year old disinherited his wife and all of his children in his last will, leaving is £10k legacy to his stepson who served as his caregiver until he died. I bet when they began all their court litigations they expected to find a bit more than £10,000. Looks like the lawyers are going to win and the family will end up with large bills and a rotting corpse to deal with.

On This Day

• 1111 – Henry V is crowned Holy Roman Emperor.
• 1613 – Samuel Argall captures Native American princess Pocahontas in Passapatanzy, Virginia to ransom her for some English prisoners held by her father.
• 1796 – The first elephant ever seen in the United States arrives from India.
• 1960 – The United States launches Transit 1-B, the world’s first satellite navigation system.
• 1964 – At the Academy Awards, Sidney Poitier becomes the first African-American male to win the Best Actor award for the 1963 film Lilies of the Field.
• 1970 – An oxygen tank aboard Apollo 13 explodes, putting the crew in great danger and causing major damage to the spacecraft while en route to the Moon.
• 1997 – Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win the Masters Tournament.

Deaths

• 1975 – Larry Parks, American actor (b. 1914)
• 2001 – Robert Moon, American postal inspector, created the ZIP code (b. 1917)
• 2004 – Caron Keating, English-Irish television host (b. 1962)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

This week we take a look at what Ángel Nieves Díaz ate before he was lethally injected for the crime of murder, even though he protested his innocence until he  died.  On December 13, 2006, Nieves Díaz was executed at the Florida State Prison in Raiford. He did not order a last meal, but was served a prison menu of shredded turkey with taco seasoning, shredded cheese, rice, pinto beans, tortilla shells, apple crisp, and iced tea. He also refused this meal. So facing his death on an empty stomach, the poor chap was injected straight through the vein and instead of dying within the stipulated 7.5 minutes, it took over an hour. I bet he regretted his decision not to eat then…

Horrible Ways to Die #5 – Rabies!  by Dexychik

Rabies is a disease generally associated with dogs, but any mammal can catch it, including humans. It’s more commonly passed on by bat bite than dog. It’s always been rare in the west, but is not eradicated: up to 55,000 people a year die of it worldwide, mainly in Africa and Asia. There is no treatment, except for vaccination, which can be administered after a bite. The vaccine is notable because it was one of the earliest invented, second only to smallpox.

The bugger of rabies is that it can take a very long time to manifest. Usually it’s within a few months, sometimes as soon as a week, but it has been reported up to six years after exposure. Although the vaccine is generally successful at preventing it, if it gets to your central nervous system, you die.

The early symptoms are a fever and a bit of irritation around the entry site. However, once it reaches the brain or spinal cord, it is dramatic. You suffer paralysis and insanity, usually of the paranoid, terrified type, before lapsing into unconsciousness. It used to be called hydrophobia, because it’s common to develop an absolutely hysterical fear of water. This isn’t helped by the mouth overproducing saliva, which is what gives rabid dogs the characteristic ‘foaming at the mouth’ appearance. If a drink is so much as suggested to someone with rabies, their whole throat and larynx spasms.

Thankfully, death follows within 10 days in almost all cases, so you don’t have to suffer long. But probably best to cough up for a vaccine if you’re travelling to areas where it’s common.

Next time! Being broken on a wheel!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Kirsten Stewart (24), Dennis Quaid (60), Jenna Jameson (40), David Letterman (67), Shannen Doherty (43), Hugh Hefner (88), Paul Rudd (45), Claire Danes (35), Russell Crowe (50), Ed O’Neill (68), Zach Braff (39), Robin Wright (48), Andy Garcia (58), Billy Dee Williams (77), Steven Seagal (62), Saoirse Ronan (20), John Ratzenberger (67), Francis Ford Coppola (75), Jackie Chan (60), Julian Lennon (51), Joss Stone (27), Jennifer Morrison (35), James Garner (86), Wayne Rogers (81), Patricia Arquette (46), Max von Sydow (85), Omar Sharif (82), Haley Joel Osment (26) and Lisa Stansfield (48).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Evening all! Let me start by apologising for the late email and blog post, I have been very busy. Yes, I do have a life outside of writing this newsletter, I know you don’t believe me, but I do! Actually, because nothing much was happening death-wise, I decided to gather all of the worlds celebrities to explain that we needed some points action, so Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldof decided to ‘take one for the team’, thus giving us something to talk about.

Thanks to Rooney; Julie, Jim and Paul G. have scored 57 points each, which gives us a new points leader! Alas, nobody had Peaches, sad although her death is, she would have made an excellent Maverick for someone. Best keep an eye on the rest of the relatives now, suicide runs in that family after all…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Frankie Knuckles, 59, American disc jockey and record producer, complications from diabetes.
• Bob Larbey, 79, British comedy scriptwriter (Please Sir!, The Good Life, As Time Goes By).
• Phantog, 75, Chinese Tibetan mountaineer, first female to climb Mount Everest from Tibetan (North) side.
• Arthur Smith, 93, American musician and songwriter (“Guitar Boogie“, “Dueling Banjos”).
• Alan Davie, 93, Scottish painter and musician.
• Peter Matthiessen, 86, American author (At Play in the Fields of the Lord, The Snow Leopard), leukemia.
• John Pinette, 50, American comedian and actor (The Punisher, Junior), pulmonary embolism.
• Mickey Rooney, 93, American actor (The Black Stallion, Babes in Arms, Night at the Museum), won Emmy Award (Bill).
• Peaches Geldof, 25, English television presenter, writer and model.

In Other News 

For those of you who thought Michael Jackson was dead and gone, well, you may have been mistaken. The former King of Pop hasn’t let a mere formality as being dead keep him away from entertaining the masses, he’s bringing out a new album  in May, with no less than eight new tracks! Obviously Michael is hiding away with Elvis somewhere, producing posthumous No.1’s, which will annoy every living musician, as we honest consumers of shit, will buy up each album and make sure some undeserving music executive gets rich on the bleaching bones in Jacksons grave.

Everyones favourite Russian, Vladimir Putin, has finally had his divorce finalised. I’m sure that his ex-wife Lyudmila is now shitting in her pants wondering if she’ll end up in a gulag or just strapped to a nuclear warhead which will soon be raining down upon the Ukraine. Best keep an eye on her welfare, you never know with these megalomaniac types. Putin himself has made the transition quite easily though, rumours have it that he’s shagging the Olympic gymnast Alina Kabayeva, so it’s no surprise he’s given the old bag the push.

Good news to all television lovers, that old prancing twat, Sir Bruce Forsyth, has finally admitted defeat and decided to retire after what seems like 800 years in the business. Brucie announced that he will still carry out a few pre-recorded Strictly specials for us to endure, lets hope the 86 year old croaks before that happens, and he even has plans to tread the boards of the theatre, hopefully the old doddering cunt will fall off the stage so we all score some much needed points.

Michael Schumacher is looking like he might pull through the ‘lettuce’ to enter the ‘dribbling turnip’ stage of his recovery. The former F1 champion is now showing ‘moments of consciousness and awakening’, much like I do most days at work, so I’d assume he’s in perfect health and just needs to get off his arse and work, much like Iain Duncan Smith would want him to.

The final Monty Python reunion show will be “the last time we’ll be working together”, Michael Palin has said, which sort of  suggests he thinks one of them is about to die. Seeing they’re all in their 70’s, it’s now a good bet to start listing them. My money is on Cleese although Idle is looking a bit mummified recently.

On This Day

• 1199 – King Richard I of England dies from an infection following the removal of an arrow from his shoulder.
• 1830 – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the original church of the Latter Day Saint movement, is organised by Joseph Smith, Jr. and others at Fayette or Manchester, New York.
• 1869 – Celluloid is patented.
• 1895 – Oscar Wilde is arrested in the Cadogan Hotel, London after losing a libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry.
• 1896 – In Athens, the opening of the first modern Olympic Games is celebrated, 1,500 years after the original games are banned by Roman Emperor Theodosius I.
• 1924 – First round-the-world flight commences.
• 1930 – Gandhi raises a lump of mud and salt and declares, “With this, I am shaking the foundations of the British Empire,” beginning the Salt Satyagraha.
• 1965 – Launch of Early Bird, the first communications satellite to be placed in geosynchronous orbit.
• 1974 – The Swedish pop band ABBA wins the Eurovision Song Contest 1974 with the song “Waterloo“, launching their international career.

Deaths

• 1199 – Richard I of England (b. 1157)
• 1528 – Albrecht Dürer, German painter, engraver, and mathematician (b. 1471)
• 1992 – Isaac Asimov, Russian-American author and educator (b. 1920)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

This week we have Teresa Lewis’ last meal. You might remember her as the only female on Death Row prior to her execution by lethal injection in 2010. She was sentenced to death for the murder of her husband and her stepson which she thought she could get away with and profit from a $250,000 insurance policy her stepson had taken out before he was deployed as an Army reservist in Iraq.

Shortly before she was to become the 12th woman executed in the US, Teresa dined on the following:

• Fried Chicken
• Sweet peas with butter
• Apple Pie
• Dr Pepper

Rather dull if you ask me, no custard on her apple pie either, she was truly a mentalist!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Warren Beatty (77), Eric Clapton (69), Robbie Coltrane (64), MC Hammer (51), Piers Morgan (49), Celine Dion (46), Norah Jones (35), Richard Chamberlain (80), Shirley Jones (80), Christopher Walken (71), Rhea Perlman (66), Ewan McGregor (43), Debbie Reynolds (82), Ali MacGraw (75), Linda Hunt (69), Emmylou Harris (67), Michael Fassbender (37), Alec Baldwin (56), Eddie Murphy (53), Leona Lewis (29), Amanda Bynes (28), Hugo Weaving (54), Robert Downey Jr. (49), David Blaine (41), Jane Asher (68), Agnetha Faltskog (64), Mitch Pileggi (62) and Pharrell Williams (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all, on this auspicious day where we see Batman turning 75 and the terrible news that gardeners are facing a national shortage of fencing. Oh, also gay people are now legally allowed to get married. As you see, the world is ending. I’m sure God will soon cause Gran Canaria to tumble in the sea thus sending a tsunami of gay destruction towards Brighton, or maybe life will just carry on as usual. Congratulations to anyone who actually got married this weekend, even an old cynic like me likes to see a romantic event from time to time, although I’m just there for the free food and booze…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• James Rebhorn, 65, American actor (Scent of a Woman, Independence Day, Homeland), melanoma.
• Mickey Duff, 84, Polish-born British boxing manager and promoter, International Boxing Hall of Fame inductee (1999).
• Adolfo Suárez, 81, Spanish politician and lawyer, Prime Minister (1976–1981), Duke of Suárez (since 1981), respiratory infection.
• Jerry Roberts, 93, British wartime codebreaker, member of the Testery unit.
• Jeffery Dench, 86, British actor (First Knight).
• Derek Martinus, 82, British television director (Doctor Who, Blake’s 7, Z-Cars), Alzheimer’s disease.
• Kate O’Mara, 74, English actress (Dynasty, Triangle).

In Other News

Coronation Street actress Barbara Knox, 80, has been arrested on suspicion of drink-driving. In what we can only call a total fuck up on her part, Knox drove to the police station to see her daughter whom had earlier been arrested for the same offence. Respect to the old codger though, still motoring at 80, but driving to a police station whilst pissed wasn’t the best of ideas.  She’s now on police bail pending further inquiries, fuck knows what they will be.

Good news for all, clowns are faced with extinction!! There are only around 100 registered clowns in the whole of the UK nowadays, which we can all be thankful for. Blame is being thrown towards their depiction in horror films, I say they were bloody creepy anyway. Also their chosen habitat is under threat, the travelling circus, which is also in dramatic decline as nobody wants to see grown men covered in make-up throw glitter over each other whilst they drop their trousers in front of children. Lets hope that mimes are also included in this terminal collapse of clownkind!

The media are trying to frighten the bejesus out of everyone by saying ebola is about to spread around the world. The initial outbreak in Guinea spread to the capital, killing around 60 people, but apparently it wasn’t even ebola, just some other terrible disease. But luckily people were actually dying in neighbouring Liberia and Sierra Leone, thus giving the media a lifeline.  However, a Canadian man was reported to have the virus after returning from West Africa. After the initial alarm, it was found he just had some malaria. So panic everyone, we’re all going to die! Let’s blame those gay marriages!

The celebrity paedophiles are slowly being sorted out. Jimmy Tarbuck has been released without charge. The veteran comic, 74, was released after a year on police bail after being accused of rogering a small boy. So along with Michael Le Vell, Bill Roache, Jim Davidson, Dave Lee Travis and a few other slightly less known ‘stars’, the list is dwindling very quickly. All we have now is the Hairy Cornflakes retrial and the upcoming trials of Rolf Harris and Paul Gambaccini and the potential downfall of the celebrity publicist, Max Clifford. Could this have been a witch hunt? Who cares…

And finally, if you’re feeling a bit tired after a shag, think about poor Jonathan, a giant tortoise on the island of St Helena. At 182 he still has to service three females even though he’s half blind from cataracts and relies on his hearing to find his mates. Jonathan loves to have his neck stroked and its said that he can extend his head from his shell to a surprising length. He loves his vegetables and can belch like a trooper. ‘Tortoises may be slow, but they are also very noisy, especially when they mate’, said his handler. ‘A noise like a loud harsh escape of steam from a giant battered old kettle, often rounded off with a deep oboe-like grunt.’ Unfortunately, Jonathan’s trysts have not produced young – thus far.

On This Day

• 1867 – Alaska is purchased from Russia for $7.2 million, about 2-cent/acre ($4.19/km²), by United States Secretary of State William H. Seward.
• 1981 – President Ronald Reagan is shot in the chest outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John Hinckley, Jr. Another two people are wounded at the same time.

Deaths

• 1986 – James Cagney, American actor and dancer (b. 1899)
• 2002 – Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother of the United Kingdom (b. 1900)
• 2003 – Michael Jeter, American actor (b. 1952)

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals

This weeks last meal belongs to Ted Bundy! You’ll remember Ted as the charming and handsome American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper and necrophile with around 35 homicides to his name. Ted died in the electric chair at Raiford Prison in Starke, Florida in 1989, but not before he dined on the following:

Steak (medium rare)
Eggs (over easy)
Hash Browns
Toast
Butter
Jam
Milk
Orange Juice

Alas, this meal wasn’t of his choosing, he actually declined a ‘special’ meal, so what you see here is the traditional last meal given to inmates who don’t feel the need to stuff their faces before they fry.

Horrible Ways to Die #5 – Boiled to Death by Dexychik

Boiled to death can only be described as a cruel and unusual punishment. In Britain, it was only legal for a few years in the sixteenth century. Introduced specifically for the death of a cook who was poisoning the food served to the poor by the Bishop of Rochester, only a handful of people were executed in this manner. One of these occasions was the death of a woman who poisoned her husband in King’s Lynn, where it was said her heart burst from her body and landed in a building. There is still a heart shaped stone to mark this grisly occurrence.

You can be boiled to death in water, oil or tallow (sheep flab). The body doesn’t do well under extreme temperature, either from within or without, and the pain of suffering extensive deep burns would knock you out pretty quickly. Death occurs due to hypovolaemic shock – or blood loss – as the exposed arteries rupture.

Although being boiled to death was, at one point, quite a popular execution method in Europe and Asia, it’s now limited to occasional torture murders in the Middle East. Yum.

Next time! Rabies!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Chaka Khan (61), Amanda Plummer (57), Damon Albarn (46), Perez Hilton (36), Kelly LeBrock (54), Lara Flynn Boyle (44), Alyson Hannigan (40), Aretha Franklin (72), Paul Michael Glaser (71), Elton John (67), Sarah Jessica Parker (49), Leonard Nimoy (83), Alan Arkin (80), James Caan (74), Diana Ross (70), Steven Tyler (66), Martin Short (64), Keira Knightley (29), Julian Glover (79), Michael York (72), Quentin Tarantino (51), Mariah Carey (44), Fergie (39), Dianne Wiest (66), Vince Vaughn (44), Lady GaGa (28), Eric Idle (71), Brendan Gleeson (59), Christopher Lambert (57), Elle Macpherson (51) and Lucy Lawless (46).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!