Afternoon poolers, we have a point scorer!!! Dave guessed that Chapman Pincher would die and thus gains himself 50 points! Well done that man, boosting himself up to 9th place!  I have also taken the time to double check the lists for missed names and I have done a disservice to two of you. Martin and Liz, your scores are now where they should be as I missed that you had Dora Bryan, Sally Farmiloe and Sid Caesar respectively, all of which we covered in previous iterations of the newsletter. Remember, a lot of you have obscure names on your lists, so if you see that I have missed one of yours, please say so. I’m good, but not infallible.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Billie Letts, 76, American novelist (Where the Heart Is).
• Jake Hooker, 61, Israeli-born American pop musician (Arrows), songwriter (“I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll“) and producer.
• James Brady, 73, American government official, White House Press Secretary (1981–1989), shot during Reagan assassination attempt (1981).
• Chapman Pincher, 100, British journalist and historian.
• Marilyn Burns, 65, American actress (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre).
• Dharmesh Tiwari, 63, Indian actor (Mahabharat), diabetes.
• Danny Murphy, 58, American actor (There’s Something About Mary, Me, Myself and Irene), cancer.
• Menahem Golan, 85, Israeli producer (The Delta Force, Death Wish II).
• Christian Falk, 52, Swedish singer and bassist (Imperiet), pancreatic cancer.
• Charles Keating, 72, British Emmy Award-winning actor (All My Children, Another World), cancer.

In Other News

The ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still in the news. His remains  are still missing, presumed to be in a funeral home somewhere in Canada. But the latest news is that his wife has now lost support from her lawyers who have left her without legal representation and a large bill because she’s a mad cow. Jane Kasem is now being turned into a recluse with mounting debts over the debacle, all because she wants to hide the fact she abused the voice of Shaggy during his final years. Takes all sorts…

In a twist of misfortune, the man suspected to be responsible for stealing Michael Schumacher’s medical files has been found dead! The man, who has not been named, was a manager at Swiss air rescue firm Rega and had been arrested on Tuesday but denied the accusations. However, there must have been some guilt there as he was later found hanged in his cell on Wednesday morning. The stolen records were apparently being offered to media across Europe for 50,000 euros (£40,000, $68,000). Not a lot of money to die over, twat.

Singer Lady GaGa was hospitalised due to altitude sickness last week. She sought medical attention after performing at her ‘artRave: The ARTPOP Ball’ tour in Denver, Colorado, where altitude sickness is common due to thinner air. I suppose we can forgive her delicateness, the average altitude mean of Colorado is twice the height of Snowdon, no wonder its called the Mile High City! In the photo taken from her hospital bed, a wide-eyed Gaga can be seen with her oxygen mask upside down, but she is expected to perform at her next concert in Seattle on Friday, hopefully the right way up.

On This Day

• 1519 – Ferdinand Magellan‘s five ships set sail from Seville to circumnavigate the globe. The Basque second in command Juan Sebastián Elcano will complete the expedition after Magellan’s death in the Philippines.
• 1675 – The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London, England is laid.
• 1793 – The Musée du Louvre is officially opened in Paris, France.
• 1948 – Candid Camera makes its television debut.
• 1969 – A day after murdering Sharon Tate and four others, members of Charles Manson‘s cult kill Leno and Rosemary LaBianca.
• 2003 – The highest temperature ever recorded in the United Kingdom – 38.5 °C (101.3 °F) in Kent, England. It is the first time the United Kingdom has recorded a temperature over 100 °F (38 °C).
• 2003 – Yuri Malenchenko becomes the first person to marry in space.

Deaths

• 1932 – Rin Tin Tin, American acting dog (b. 1918)
• 1993 – Euronymous, Norwegian singer, guitarist, and producer (Mayhem) (b. 1968)
• 2008 – Isaac Hayes, American singer-songwriter, pianist, producer, and actor (b. 1942)
• 2012 – Carlo Rambaldi, Italian special effects artist (b. 1925)

Executions 101 by KoA

With all the recent furore in the media over the botched executions in America, I thought we’d take a look at how we used to do it over here in Good Old Blighty. As it happens, it was 50 years this month that the last executions were carried out in the UK.

Gwynne Evans and Peter Allen, two petty criminals who killed a man in a bungled burglary, were the last two people to be executed for murder in the Britain.

Justice came swiftly. The trial of 24-year-old Evans and Allen, who was 21, began on 23rd June at Manchester Assizes. On 7th July the men were found guilty and sentenced under the 1957 Homicide Act to suffer death “in the manner prescribed by law”.

Their appeal was heard just two weeks later – and dismissed the next day. A final appeal for clemency was rejected by the Home Secretary on 11th August. Less than five weeks elapsed by then. The speed of the process, even with two lives at stake, was not unusual. A delay covering three Sundays between sentencing and execution was all the law stipulated.

In the UK, an executioner and his assistant were expected to carry out their grisly duties in moments. On the stroke of 8am they would enter the condemned cell, strap the prisoner’s arms behind his back and lead him to the gallows. The whole procedure often took less than 10 seconds from the hangmen entering the cell to the prisoner dropping to his death! A far cry from the two hours endured by last week’s Joseph Wood by lethal injection. I know which one I’d rather suffer.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tony Bennett (88), Martin Sheen (74), Martha Stewart (73), James Hatfield (51), Evangeline Lilly (35), Billy Bob Thornton (59), Barack Obama (53), Loni Anderson (69), M. Night Shyamalan (44), Geri Halliwell (42), Michelle Yeoh (52), David Duchovny (53), Charlize Theon (39), Dustin Hoffman (77), Roger Federer (33), Princess Beatrice (26), Sam Elliott (70), Melanie Griffith (57), Rhona Mitra (38), Eric Bana (46), Gillian Anderson (46), Audrey Tautou (38), Tobin Bell (72),  Barbara Windsor (77), John Landis (64) and Anna Kendrick (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all to yet another edition of the Dead Pool Newsletter, and for once a worthy celebrity for our attentive needs has decided to die before I have finished writing the bloody thing and not after I have pressed the send button! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have sent interesting articles for the newsletter, it’s very appreciated, and you will see them slowly trickling through to print eventually, so please keep sending them in! I’d rather have a backlog of stories than sitting here with writers block crying into my wine. Without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Edith Ritchie, 104, Scottish centenarian, one half of the world’s oldest twins.
• Sir Richard MacCormac, 75, British modernist architect, cancer.
• Sally Farmiloe, 60, South African-born British actress (Howards’ Way), breast cancer.
• James Shigeta, 85, American actor (Flower Drum Song, Die Hard, Mulan).
• Dick Smith, 92, American special effects make-up artist (The Godfather, The Exorcist, Amadeus), natural causes.
• Kenny Ireland, 68, Scottish actor (Benidorm), brain cancer.
• Theodore Van Kirk, 93, American military officer, Army Major, navigator and last surviving crew member on the Enola Gay.
• King Robbo, English underground graffiti artist, complications from a head injury.
• Ross Burden, 45, New Zealand celebrity chef (MasterChef, Ready Steady Cook, MasterChef New Zealand), infection from bone marrow transplant.
• Mike Smith, 59, British television and radio presenter (BBC Radio 1), complications from heart surgery.
• Norman Cornish, 94, English artist.
• Michael Johns, 35, Australian singer-songwriter (American Idol), blood clot.

In Other News 

Rock band Status Quo have been forced to cancel six concerts on their European tour because of illness affecting guitarist Rick Parfitt. The group had been due to play in Pula, Croatia, where Parfitt, 65, is now in hospital receiving treatment. No details have been given about his condition but the band’s manager, Simon Porter, said Status Quo did not “cancel shows lightly”. “In this instance we have no option but to follow medical advice,” he said. Parfitt had a quadruple heart bypass in 1997 after doctors said he was in danger of dying as a result of his lifestyle. After surgery, Parfitt said he was not planning on becoming a “born-again Christian” and would still have the “odd pint”. Unbelievably, the band have recorded 64 British hit singles since 1968, more than any other band. 

Actor Orlando Bloom allegedly took a swing at the Canadian ‘singer’ Justin Bieber at a restaurant in Ibiza in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Details as to what kicked off the mini-fight are hazy. Some say Bloom refused to shake Bieber’s hand and then tried to land a punch as he walked away. Others, that Bieber provoked Bloom with a comment about sleeping with the Lord of the Rings actor’s ex-wife, the model Miranda Kerr. What happened after, however, is well documented. In a video of the aftermath, Bieber can be heard shouting, “What’s up, bitch?” to his supposed love-rival. Not content with that zinger, he then took to Instagram to post a picture of Miranda Kerr in a bathing suit, followed by another of Bloom crying. As with all the best social media missives, the post of Kerr in her bikini has since been deleted. Nobody comes out of this with their dignity intact. Not weak-punch-cry-baby Legolas, nor baby-baby-baby-instagram-burn Bieber. However my estimation of Bloom has increased sevenfold.  

Not that you would know the chap, but Kevin McGroarty, a longtime veteran of the advertising industry died on July 22nd. He had a certain way with words as his farewell proved as he announced that he’d recently moved into his “new address” at Mount Olivet Cemetery. News of his relocation is among the many gems in McGroarty’s obituary, written by the man himself. About 300 people attended McGroarty’s memorial service Monday, though there’s no mention how many were present for the “brief rant of how the government screwed up all of the Bugs Bunny Cartoons trying to censor violence” which was presented by his attorney.

On This Day

• 1492 – Christopher Columbus sets sail from Palos de la Frontera, Spain.
• 1527 – The first known letter from North America is sent by John Rut while at St. John’s, Newfoundland.
• 1977 – Tandy Corporation announces the TRS-80, one of the world’s first mass-produced personal computers.

Deaths

• 1929 – Emile Berliner, German-American inverter and businessman, invented the phonograph (b. 1851)
• 1966 – Lenny Bruce, American comedian (b. 1925)
• 1983 – Carolyn Jones, American actress and singer, best known for the role of Morticia Addams in the television series The Addams Family (b. 1930)
• 2002 – Carmen Silvera, Canadian-English actress, best known for her starring role in British television programme, ‘Allo ‘Allo! as Edith Artois. (b. 1922)
• 2011 – Bubba Smith, American football player and actor, his best known role was as Moses Hightower in the first six Police Academy movies. (b. 1945)

Struck by Lightning by KoA

It’s a type of death that is apparently so rare it has become a metaphor for extremely bad luck. A lightning strike hit Venice beach in Los Angeles on Sunday afternoon, killing a man in his 20s, leaving another in a critical condition and injuring a dozen more.

According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, it was the 15th death by lightning strike in the US this year. However, it represents a steady decrease year-on-year, possibly due to the fall in the numbers of people working outdoors and improvements in health and safety. In 2006, the overall number for the year was 48 and stood at 35 by this time in July.

Most victims are men, with 223 male deaths compared with 53 female deaths since 2006. Perhaps Thor hates men more than women… Thirteen of the total died on beaches, so you now know where not to be during a storm. 

Almost two-thirds were people enjoying outdoor activities, although the common belief that golfers make up a high number of victims of lightning does not hold up when you look at the figures. Between 2006 and 2013, fishermen accounted for more than three times as many deaths as golfers, which is a shame as golfers deserve death more than fishermen just for wearing stupid clothes in my book.

In the eight years since 2006, the US have  recorded 30 fishing deaths, 16 camping deaths and 14 boating deaths from lightning strikes. Of the sports activities, football saw the highest number of deaths with 12, compared with golf’s eight fatalities. Twelve people were killed working in gardens and 14 people died working on a farm. It’s a shame that the lighting hasn’t taken out a few more Premiership footballers if you ask me…

Summer is the peak time for lightning deaths. More than 70% occurred in June, July and August, with Saturdays and Sundays the most deadly. 

But just because these numbers seem a lot does not mean it is common. NOAA puts the odds of being killed by lightning in any given year at 1 in 1.9m and the odds of being struck in your lifetime at 1 in 12,000. In comparison, the odds for winning the jackpot on the Lotto is 1 in 13,983,816. But you would have the same chance of being born with Downs Syndrome or hitting a hole in one at 1 in 12,000 too. 

The UK has fewer deaths from lightning strikes. According to the tornado and storm research organisation (Torro) database, 30 to 60 people are struck by lightning each year, with an average annual death toll of less than five. Lightning strikes tend to be concentrated in the south-east, Yay! Death to all Londeners! because of the warmer average temperatures. East Anglia is most likely to experience thunderstorms, according to the Met Office, and north-west Scotland the least likely.

So, if you intend to stay alive during the next thunder storm, don’t play go fishing around Norwich this month! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Dean Cain (48), J.K. Rowling (49), Wesley Snipes (52), Lisa Kudrow (51), Laurence Fishburne (53), Arnold Schwarzenegger (67), Paul Anka (73), Wes Craven (75), Kevin Smith (44), Edward Furlong (37), Sam Worthington (38), Jason Monma (35), Sam Mendes (49), Michael Biehn (58), Christopher Nolan (44), Hilary Swank (40),  Jean Reno (66), Richard Linklater (54), Frances de la Tour (70), Carel Struycken (66), Wil Wheaton (42), David Warner (73) and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon all, bit of a slow week I’m afraid, but who are we to let that get us down?! So, in a fit of utter malaise I’m going to down a bottle of vino and write a lot of what most of you will describe as piffle. Hey, what’s new I hear you say… Onwards and upwards!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Sir Nick Scheele, 70, British automotive manufacturing executive, President and CEO of Jaguar Cars (1992–1999) and Ford Motor Company (2001–2005).
• Dora Bryan, 91, British film, television and stage actress (A Taste of Honey, Last of the Summer Wine).
• Joseph Wood, 55, American murderer, subject of botched execution, lethal injection.
• Karl Albrecht, 94, German billionaire grocery executive, co-founder of Aldi.

In Other News

In a terrible twist of fate, a pine tree planted in Los Angeles to commemorate the late-Beatles star George Harrison has died – after being consumed by beetles. Planted as a sapling in 2004 near the Griffith Observatory, the tree stood 10-feet high but died recently as a result of an insect infestation by bark beetles and ladybugs. The George Harrison Tree was chosen as an appropriate memorial for the Beatle, who died of lung cancer in L.A. in 2001 at the age of 58, because of his love of plants, gardening and nature. L.A. councilman Tom LaBonge, who represents the area, said that the tree would be replanted. He said Harrison, who had a well-developed sense of humour, “likely would have been amused by the irony”. I reckon Paul McCartney should be worried too, he looks like a piece of treen nowadays.

Good old Michael Schumacher is able to  communicate with his family by moving his eyelids, and could return home by the end of the month according to reports. In what can only be called a remarkable turnaround for the Formula 1 champion, doctors believe that he’ll be able to sit upright in an advanced wheelchair which he can control via his mouth within weeks! I bet he’s thrilled by the prospect. Someone do the guy a favour and smother him with a pillow, I know I’d prefer it, plus we’d score a few points!

Double Olympic gold medallist Mo Farah has withdrawn from the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow after failing to recover from a recent illness. The 31 year old was set to run both the 5k and 10k in Scotland but couldn’t be fucked it seems. I know how he feels, sometimes I find it too hard to get up from the couch to fetch another packet of hobnobs and a cup of tea, let alone run in a big circle for hours for no apparent reason. The Team England athlete said it was a “tough decision”, adding: “The sickness I had two weeks ago was a big setback.” Not once actually saying what the illness was, probably had a spicy kebab I expect.

The continuing saga of the missing Kasem is still ongoing. As reported in a newsflash in last week’s newsletter, our US super sleuth is now hot on the trail of Casey Kasem’s missing corpse. It seems that his remains were taken from a funeral home in Tacoma by his widow, so his distraught kids have no idea where the rotting clump of meaty flesh and bone is now residing. Asked why Casey’s widow, Jean Kasem, might be hiding his father’s corpse from his children, Mike Kasem said that she’s “demonstrated what we have known for 30 years: She’s bat-shit crazy.” It is thought that the blob that used to be one of America’s most famous DJ’s and the voice of many of our favourite cartoon characters is somewhere in Canada.

On This Day

• 1694 – A Royal charter is granted to the Bank of England.
• 1865 – Welsh settlers arrive at Chubut in Argentina.
• 1866 – The first permanent transatlantic telegraph cable is successfully completed, stretching from Valentia Island, Ireland, to Heart’s Content, Newfoundland.
• 1890 – Vincent van Gogh shoots himself and dies two days later.
• 1921 – Researchers at the University of Toronto led by biochemist Frederick Banting prove that the hormone insulin regulates blood sugar.
• 1929 – The Geneva Convention of 1929, dealing with treatment of prisoners-of-war, is signed by 53 nations.
• 1940 – The animated short A Wild Hare is released, introducing the character of Bugs Bunny.
• 1949 – Initial flight of the de Havilland Comet, the first jet-powered airliner.
• 1981 – On Coronation Street, Ken Barlow marries Deirdre Langton, which proves to be a national event scoring massive viewer numbers for the show.
• 1987 – RMS Titanic Inc. begins the first expedited salvage of wreckage of the RMS Titanic.
• 2002 – Ukraine airshow disaster: A Sukhoi Su-27 fighter crashes during an air show at Lviv, Ukraine killing 85 and injuring more than 100 others, the largest air show disaster in history.

Deaths

• 1981 – William Wyler, French-American director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1902)
• 1984 – James Mason, English actor, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1909)
• 2003 – Bob Hope, English-American actor, singer, and producer (b. 1903)
• 2012 – Tony Martin, American actor and singer (b. 1913)

The Biggest Threats to Human Existence: Part 1 by KoA

1.Nuclear War 

While only two nuclear weapons have been used in war so far – at Hiroshima and Nagasaki during the Second World War – and nuclear stockpiles are down from their the peak they reached in the cold war, it is a mistake to think that nuclear war is impossible. In fact, it’s probably a massive option at the moment since the downing of Flight 17 over the Ukraine.

The Cuban missile crisis was very close to turning nuclear. If we assume one such event every 69 years and a one in three chance that it might go all the way to being nuclear war, the chance of such a catastrophe increases to about one in 200 per year.

Worse still, the Cuban missile crisis was only the most well-known case. The history of Soviet-US nuclear deterrence is full of close calls and dangerous mistakes. The actual probability has changed depending on international tensions, but it seems implausible that the chances would be much lower than one in 1,000 per year, which is the same probability of you missing your mouth whilst trying to drink wine and type something at the same time. 

A full-scale nuclear war between major powers would kill hundreds of millions of people directly or through the near aftermath – an unimaginable disaster. But that is not enough to make it an existential risk.

Similarly the hazards of fallout are often exaggerated – potentially deadly locally, but globally a relatively limited problem. Cobalt bombs were proposed as a hypothetical doomsday weapon that would kill everybody with fallout, but are in practice hard and expensive to build and they are physically just barely possible, so why go to the extra trouble when an old dirty bomb will do?

The real threat is nuclear winter – that is, soot lofted into the stratosphere causing a multi-year cooling and drying of the world. Modern climate simulations show that it could prevent any agriculture across much of the world for years. If this  scenario occurs billions would starve, leaving only scattered survivors that might be picked off by other threats such as disease. The main uncertainty is how the soot would behave: depending on the kind of soot the outcomes may be very different, and we currently have no good ways of estimating this.

So it seems that the Planet of the Apes scenario is still very possible! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Robin Williams (63), Willem Dafoe (59), Danny Glover (68), Summer Glau (33), Anna Paquin (32), Jennifer Lopez (45), Monica Lewinsky (41), Daniel Radcliff (25),  Matt LeBlanc (48), Mick Jagger (71), Helen Mirren (69), Kevin Spacey (55), Sandra Bullock (50), Kate Beckinsale (41), Jason Statham (47), Lynda Carter (63), Danny Dyer (37), Woody Harrelson (53), Charisma Carpenter (44), Ronny Cox (76), Slash (49), Terrence Stamp (76), Rhys Ifans (47), Louise Fletcher (80), Stephan Mangan (42), Paloma Faith (33), Ross Kemp (50) and Diana Rigg (76).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all, hope you all  haven’t drowned or been  hit by lightning this weekend,  it would be a terrible thing to have to announce to the minions that you had died, clutching vigorously to your toilet seat in a rictus from being hit by the wrath of Thor! Anyhow, as you may have guessed, no points to be awarded this week but plenty to read and discuss and an amusing contribution from Liz, which I hope you will all enjoy!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Nadine Gordimer, 90, South African writer (The Conservationist, Burger’s Daughter, July’s People) and anti-apartheid activist, Nobel Prize laureate in Literature (1991).
• Jack Tocco, 87, American mafioso, head of the Detroit Partnership, suspect in the Jimmy Hoffa disappearance, natural causes.
• Alice Coachman, 90, American Olympic champion high jumper (1948), first black woman to win an Olympic gold medal.
• Elaine Stritch, 89, American actress, Tony Award (Elaine Stritch at Liberty) and Emmy Award winner (Law & Order [1993], Elaine Stritch at Liberty [2004], 30 Rock [2007]).
• Henry Hartsfield, 80, American NASA astronaut and test pilot (Columbia), commander for Discovery and Challenger missions, complications from back surgery.
• James Garner, 86, American Hall of Fame actor (Maverick, The Great Escape, The Rockford Files).
• Skye McCole Bartusiak, 21, American actress (The Patriot).

In Other News

Former US secretary of state and Nobel peace prize winner Henry Kissinger underwent heart surgery at a New York City hospital on Tuesday and was resting comfortably, hospital officials said. Kissinger, 91, underwent an aortic valve replacement procedure, according to the New York-Presbyterian Hospital. There are no reports as to how it went, but being 91, it’s not going to end well one would expect. Watch this space! 

You may have been especially observant this week and noticed that the Assisted Dying Bill has been in the news, with notables such as Patrick Stewart and Desmond Tutu backing the bill, for obvious reasons… But what you might have missed was the admission by Chris Woodhead, the former chief inspector of schools, who said that he considered starving and dehydrating himself to death after he was diagnosed with cancer and kidney stones in addition to the motor neurone disease he has had since 2006. The former schools inspector has said previously that he would rather spend his final hours with family enjoying good food and wine and listening to Beethoven than travelling to the Dignitas centre in Switzerland. Let’s hope it gets passed, surely we’ll be able to score a few more points then, also great doctors like Harold Shipman wouldn’t be arrested for doing their jobs…  

DJ Casey Kasem has still not been laid to rest a month after his death due to a legal wrangle amongst his family. A Washington state judge granted a temporary court order to Kasem’s daughter, preventing his second wife from removing his remains from a funeral home in Tacoma. His daughter Kerri Kasem has expressed concerns that his body could be cremated or taken to Canada by his widow Jean, negating the possibility of a post-mortem, even though she herself authorised the retention of food, liquids and medication from him against the wishes of his wife of 34 years, so finding the cause of death isn’t going to be hard. The children from the 82-year-old’s first marriage are hoping to bury him in California in accordance with his final wishes, let’s see what occurs. 

*NEWS FLASH* My super secret intrepid reporter says that Kasem’s body is now officially missing!!! 

On This Day

• 1903 – The Ford Motor Company ships its first car.
• 1944 – World War II: Adolf Hitler survives an assassination attempt led by German Army Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg.
• 1968 – The first International Special Olympics Summer Games are held at Soldier Field in Chicago, Ill, with about 1,000 athletes with intellectual disabilities.
• 1969 – Apollo program: Apollo 11 successfully makes the first manned landing on the Moon in the Sea of Tranquility. Americans Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin become the first humans to walk on the Moon almost 7 hours later.
• 1976 – The American Viking 1 lander successfully lands on Mars.

Deaths

• 1923 – Pancho Villa, Mexican general (b. 1878)
• 1973 – Bruce Lee, American actor and martial artist (b. 1940)
• 2005 – James Doohan, Canadian actor (b. 1920)
• 2011 – Lucian Freud, German-English painter (b. 1922)
• 2012 – Alastair Burnet, English journalist (b. 1928)
• 2012 – Simon Ward, English actor (b. 1941)

A Cheerful Rhyme…. by LizzyWelshCake

Death can be slow
Death can be quick
An evil disease
Or a whack with a stick
Choke on a bone
Skid in the rain
Bleed to death from
An exploding vein
Alcoholic poisoning
From too much rum
Red hot pokers
Shoved up your bum
Hung drawn and quartered
Burnt alive
No water in the pool
When you took a dive
Bitten by a snake
Stood on a rake
Not enough water
Or too much cake
Stayed in the sun
A bit too long
An ambitious sex game
That just went wrong
Only one thing
Left to be said
One day we’ll all
Be fucking dead

Bizarre Victorian Deaths, Part 3 by KoA

6. Torn to pieces by cats

You know how it is. You get a cat, seeking companionship and amusement, and are rewarded with the occasional tea-time display of self-serving affection. It’s charming, so you get another. And one more. Pretty soon, your home makes visitors’ eyes sting. People stop calling by. You let your hair grow wild. You enthusiastically take up muttering. In 1870, in Iran, a rich eccentric lady had cheerfully embarked on much this kind of path, breeding and buying cats to her heart’s content and passing her days in an agreeable if malodorous blur of purrs. Then disaster struck. A fire broke out, and as it swept through the house, the cats were trapped behind a door. Two maids were sent to free them, but the blaze had driven the beasts berserk. The instant the door was opened, they flew at the unfortunate young women, tearing, scratching and biting them in a frenzy. Their injuries were so severe, they both died.

7. Drowned by decorum

The late Victorians and the Edwardians lived through a domestic revolution. Theirs was a bold and exciting age of innovation, groundbreaking discoveries and dramatic scientific changes, many of which altered life at home in profound ways – including some that were terrible and unforeseen. We all know the cliches. The Victorians were a bunch of hidebound, thin-lipped, punctilious, moralising, etiquette-obsessed fun-sponges who would reach for the smelling salts at the mere glimpse of a table leg. It’s a wild generalisation, of course. But sometimes – to revert to another cliche – cliches are true. There’s proof. In 1892, in Bermuda, a party of sailors were returning to their ship by steamboat, having been on shore leave in the capital. Sailors being sailors, there was an argument. The row turned into a fight. One man went overboard. A marine began to strip off to save him, but was ordered immediately to stop by an officer who had spotted a boat with ladies on it nearby. “The ladies in the boat manifested every description of sympathy with the unfortunate man,” reported the Western Daily Press, “but seemed altogether opposed to the idea of an ordinary man springing into the sea unless duly and sufficiently attired in the garments which fashion rather than common sense has decided to be proper.” The increasingly frantic efforts of the sailor to keep afloat suddenly concentrated minds. The officer asked for volunteers. Five men at once leapt to the rescue, but the sailor had drowned.

8. Killed by a drunken bear 

A quick quiz. You are offered a bear to keep as a pet. Do you:

1. Turn it down. It’s cruel to keep a bear as a pet
2. Accept it. Perhaps you might teach it to drink booze too

In Vilna (now Vilnius), then in Russia, in 1891, there was a man who would have answered B). The bear was large but tame, but it had a taste for vodka. One day it bustled into a village tavern and grabbed a keg of vodka. The owner of the inn, Isaack Rabbanovitch, objected, and tried to snatch it back. It would be an understatement to say this was an error. In the chaotic scenes that ensued the infuriated animal hugged to death the tavern keeper, then did the same to his two sons and daughter. The villagers found the drunken animal asleep on the floor in a pool of blood and alcohol, surrounded by its victims. The bear was immediately shot.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Patrick Stewart (74), Harrison Ford (72), Cheech Marin (68), Linda Ronstadt (68), Diane Kruger (38), Will Ferrell (47), Corey Feldman (43), Donald Sutherland (79), David Hasselhof (62), Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (67), James Brolin (74), Elizabeth McGovern (53), Vin Diesel (47), Kristen Bell (34), Richard Branson (64), John Glenn (93), Jared Padalecki (32), Benedict Cumberbatch (38), Bill Cosby (77), Anna Friel (38), Jackie Earle Haley (53), Harry Dean Stanton (88), Kyle Gass (54), David Mitchell (40), Forest Whitaker (53), Brigitte Nelson (51), Jan-Michael Vincent (70), Celia Imrie (62) and Paul Verhoeven (76).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon all, whether you like it or not, welcome once again to the weekly round-up of celebrity demises. As you will see below, lots of what I would call very minor celebrities have actually died, alas, due to their mediocrity nobody has scored a single point! Maybe we’ll have better luck over the next week. So without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Elenor Gordon, 80, Scottish Hall of Fame swimmer, first Scottish Commonwealth Games gold medalist.
• Dave Legeno, 50, British actor (Harry Potter film series), heat stroke.
• Dave Bickers, 76, British motorcross racer and movie stuntman (Octopussy, Escape to Athena), stroke.
• Dick Jones, 87, American actor (Pinocchio, Buffalo Bill, Jr.).
• Alfredo Di Stéfano, 88, Argentine-born Spanish football player and coach (Real Madrid), complications from a heart attack.
• Ken Thorne, 90, British television and film score composer (Superman II, Help!), Academy Award winner (A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum).
• Eileen Ford, 92, American model agency executive, co-founder of Ford Models, complications from meningioma and osteoperosis.
• Zohra Sehgal, 102, Indian actress (Bend It Like Beckham, The Mistress of Spices) and choreographer, heart failure.
• Charlie Haden, 76, American jazz bassist and bandleader, three-time Grammy Award winner (Nocturne, Land of the Sun, The Shape of Jazz to Come), post-polio syndrome.
• Ray Lonnen, 74, British actor (Harry’s Game, The Sandbaggers), cancer.
• Tommy Ramone, 62, Hungarian-born American Hall of Fame record producer and drummer (The Ramones), bile duct cancer.

In Other News

The wife of Michael Schumacher claims the seven-times Formula One world champion is slowly improving after spending six months in a  coma following head injuries sustained in a skiing accident. Corinna Schumacher made her first public appearance this week since her husband was involved in the accident in the French Alpine resort of Méribel. Speaking to German women’s magazine, Neue Post, Corinna was quoted as saying: “He’s getting better, slowly certainly, but in any case he’s improving.” The 45-year-old driver is currently undergoing what is described as “a long phase of rehabilitation”, should we read that as dribbling into his baby food?

Tracy Morgan is suing Walmart over the crash that seriously injured him and killed a fellow comedian. The lawsuit, filed on Thursday in a US district court in New Jersey, claims Walmart was negligent when a driver of one of its tractor-trailers rammed into Morgan’s limousine van. The complaint claims the retail giant should have known the driver had been awake for more than 24 hours, and that his commute of 700 miles from his home in Georgia to work in Delaware was “unreasonable. It also alleges the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Nothing like making money out of your friend’s death Tracy, well done that man!

The former Archbishop of Canterbury, Lord Carey, says he will support legislation that would make it legal for terminally ill people in England and Wales to receive help to end their lives. Lord Carey said that he has dropped his opposition to the Assisted Dying Bill “in the face of the reality of needless suffering”. But the current Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has called the bill “mistaken and dangerous”. Insisting it would not be “anti-Christian” to change the law, Lord Carey said the current situation risked “undermining the principle of human concern which should lie at the heart of our society”. He added: “Today we face a central paradox. In strictly observing the sanctity of life, the Church could now actually be promoting anguish and pain, the very opposite of a Christian message of hope.” Who’d have thought that a religious leader would actually talk sense for once?!?!

And finally, we’re putting Robin Thicke on suicide watch. Whether due to bad reviews or a feminist backlash, the Blurred Lines singer’s album has sold  fewer copies than ‘worst record of 2013’ and is well on its way to becoming the biggest musical flop of the decade. With 530 copies sold in the UK, 550 sold in Canada and fewer than 54 sold in Australia, Thicke’s latest album Paula has become the laughing stock of the music industry in just one week. Paula’s failure to chart was directly related to Thicke’s use of the album as a plea to get back his recently separated wife, after whom the album is named. She hates it, we hate it, bye Robin, wasn’t all that nice knowing you…

On This Day

• 1919 – The British airship R34 lands in Norfolk, England, completing the first airship return journey across the Atlantic in 182 hours of flight.
• 1923 – The Hollywood Sign is officially dedicated in the hills above Hollywood, Los Angeles, California. It originally reads “Hollywoodland ” but the four last letters are dropped after renovation in 1949.
• 1985 – The Live Aid benefit concert takes place in London, England, United Kingdom and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, as well as other venues such as Sydney, Australia and Moscow, Russia, Soviet Union.

Deaths

• 1955 – Ruth Ellis, Welsh murderer (b. 1926)
• 2012 – Sage Stallone, American actor (b. 1976)

Serial Killers That Have Never Been Caught by KoA

In a new series suggested by Nickie, we’ll be having a look at those seriously deranged murderers out there who are still at large, still very capable of finding and doing nasty things to you. If that isn’t enough to fuck you over, please read  on!

The Connecticut River Valley killer was/still is an unidentified killer believed responsible for a series of similar knife murders mostly in and around Claremont, New Hampshire in the 1980’s.

In 1985 and 1986, the skeletal remains of two women were recovered within about a thousand feet of each other in a wooded area in Kelleyville, New Hampshire. The condition of the remains made the cause of death difficult to determine, but certain factors pointed to multiple stab wounds. Between the recovery of the first and second bodies, a 36-year old woman was stabbed to death in a frenzied attack inside her home in Saxtons River, Vermont. Ten days later, the remains of the third missing woman were found; postmortem examination revealed evidence of multiple stab wounds.

At this point, investigators began examining prior homicides in the area and found two previous cases, in 1978 and 1981, that further reinforced the presence of a burgeoning serial killer. At the peak of the investigation, and after additional homicides and one non-fatal attack, investigators noted similarities in modus operandi, oft-used dump sites, and specific wound patterns that linked many of the murders, suggesting a common perpetrator.

Seven homicides are commonly cited as being conclusively linked to the Connecticut River Valley killer, all women, all stabbed multiple times.

The killings remained unsolved and had apparently stopped when, late in the evening on August 6, 1988, 22-year old Jane Boroski, seven months pregnant, was returning from a county fair in Keene, New Hampshire, when she stopped at a closed convenience store in West Swanzey to purchase cola from a vending machine. Boroski returned to her car and began drinking the beverage when she took notice of a Jeep Wagoneer parked next to her. Via her rear-view mirror, Boroski then saw the driver of the vehicle walking around the back of her vehicle. He then approached her open window and asked her if the pay phone was working, at which time he immediately grabbed her and pulled her from the vehicle. Boroski struggled, and the man accused her of beating up his girlfriend and asked if she had Massachusetts plates on her car. Boroski responded that she had New Hampshire plates, but this did not deter her attacker, who proceeded to stab her 27 times before driving away and leaving her to die.

Boroski managed to return to her car and drive on Route 32 toward a friend’s house for help. As she neared the house, she noticed a vehicle driving in front of her and realised that it was her attacker. Boroski finally reached her friend’s home at which the occupants immediately came to her aid. Her attacker apparently performed a U-turn and slowly passed by the house as Boroski was tended to before speeding away into the night.

Boroski was treated at the hospital, where it was determined that the attack had resulted in a severed jugular vein, two collapsed lungs, a kidney laceration, and severed tendons in her knees and thumb. Fortunately, Boroski’s baby survived, although not without complications; Boroski’s daughter would later be diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy.

Boroski was able to provide authorities with a composite sketch and the first three characters of the attacker’s license plate. What a woman!

Despite two composite sketches, the formation of a task force, assistance from criminal profiler John Philpin and a handful of local suspects, no arrests were made in the Connecticut River Valley killings and the case grew cold as the killings ceased after the attack on Boroski.

Is he still out there?

Last Week’s Birthdays 

Ned Beatty (77), Sylvester Stallone (68), George W. Bush (67), Nancy Reagan (92), Ringo Starr (74), Angelica Huston (63), Kevin Bacon (56), Brian Dennehy (76), Richard Roundtree (72), Tom Hanks (58), Sofia Vergara (42), Jessica Simpson (34),  Bill Cosby (77), Cheryl Ladd (63), Anna Friel (38), John Simm (44), Chiwetel Ejiofor (37), Richard Wilson (78), Courtney Love (50), Kelly McGillis (57), Eve Myles (36), Jack Whitehall (26), Shelley Duvall (65), Geoffrey Rush (63), Jennifer Saunders (56) and Burt Ward (69)

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!