Afternoon peeps, and as sure as rain falls from the sky,  more celebrities have unfortunately died. But surprisingly, nobody listed Joan Rivers this year!! To think we all could have scored 69 points of the death of that hateful old gobby cow!! Anyhow, the woman who once said that all Palestinians deserved to die and also belittled our much loved Adele, is now thankfully dead. Woo!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Jimi Jamison, 63, American musician (Survivor), suspected heart attack.
• Gottfried John, 72, German actor (Berlin Alexanderplatz, GoldenEye), cancer.
• Roy Heather, 79, English television actor (Only Fools and Horses).
• Donatas Banionis, 90, Lithuanian Soviet actor (Solaris), stroke.
• Clare Cathcart, 48, Northern Irish actress (Call the Midwife, Doctors).
• Joan Rivers, 81, American actress and comedienne, respiratory and cardiac arrest.
• Simone Battle, 25, American singer (G.R.L.), apparent suicide.

In Other News

The author Jenny Diski has revealed in an essay that she’s been given an inoperable cancer diagnosis and “two to three years” by her doctor. Diski, who is 67, is currently writing her new memoir “a fucking cancer diary? Another fucking cancer diary” which will be published in parts in the London Review of Books. The author thanked readers for the “kindly thoughts” which have poured in, but is too grumpy and chemoed to reply individually at the mo.”

A woman from Mexico celebrated what was believed to be her 127th birthday on Sunday, making her the world’s oldest living person. Leandra Becerra marked the occasion with her grandson’s family in Zapopan, western Mexico. She has lived with his family for the last five years. Her grandson, Samuel Alvear, said he was told that Ms Becerra’s original birth certificate was burnt during the Mexican revolution of 1910 to 1917. Ms Becerra was issued with a new birth certificate in 2009 after an investigation of 20th century electoral documents by the government. The document states her date of birth as August 31 1887. The Guinness World Record for the oldest living person is currently held by Japanese national, Misao Okawa, who is 116 years old.

Justin Bieber was arrested Friday after crashing an ATV into a minivan and getting into a fight. Bieber, 20, was arrested at about 3pm Friday by Canadian provincial police and charged with assault and dangerous driving in rural southwestern Ontario, in the town of Perth East. Police said that Bieber’s vehicle collided with a minivan and that Bieber then got into a fight with one of its occupants. Authorities didn’t say whether anyone else was arrested in the incident, and declined to provide a mug shot. He was released without bail, and is scheduled to appear in Stratford, Ontario court on 29 September. Bieber is already on probation in California. It’s unclear whether the arrest could constitute a violation.

On This Day

• 1695 – Henry Every perpetrates the most profitable pirate raid in history with the capture of the Grand Mughal ship Ganj-i-Sawai. In response, Emperor Aurangzeb threatens to end all English trading in India.
• 1895 – The first game of what would become known as rugby league football is played, in England, starting the 1895–96 Northern Rugby Football Union season.
• 1909 – Eugène Lefebvre crashes a new French-built Wright biplane during a test flight at Juvisy, south of Paris, becoming the first aviator in the world to lose his life in a powered heavier-than-air craft.
• 1936 – The last surviving member of the thylacine species, Benjamin, dies alone in its cage at the Hobart Zoo in Tasmania.
• 1978 – While walking across Waterloo Bridge in London, Bulgarian dissident Georgi Markov is assassinated by Bulgarian secret police agent Francesco Giullino by means of a ricin pellet fired from a specially-designed umbrella.
• 1986 – Desmond Tutu becomes the first black man to lead the Anglican Church in South Africa.
• 2008 – The US Government takes control of the two largest mortgage financing companies in the US, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Deaths

• 1978 – Keith Moon, English drummer, songwriter, producer, and actor (The Who and Plastic Ono Band) (b. 1946)
• 1994 – Terence Young, Chinese-English director and screenwriter (b. 1915)
• 1996 – Bibi Besch, Austrian-American actress (b. 1940)
• 2002 – Uziel Gal, German-Israeli gun designer, designed the Uzi (b. 1923)
• 2003 – Warren Zevon, American singer-songwriter (b. 1947)

 Jack the Riper Solved! by IFLS

An amateur investigator has claimed to have identified Jack the Ripper, the archetypal serial killer. The claims are still far from verified, but that hasn’t stopped tabloids declaring the case solved.

Between 1888 and 1891 eleven women were murdered in the Whitchapel area of London. Of these, five are believed to have been committed by the same killer, dubbed Jack the Ripper, while the others may have been the victims of copycats or people they knew.

The new claim is that DNA has been found connecting suspect Aaron Kosminski to the murder of Catherine Eddowes, one of the so-called “canonical five” killed between August 31 and November 9, 1888.

Though it’s been more than 100 years since Jack the Ripper terrorized the streets of London, his crimes survive in the public imagination.

After seeing the movie From Hell, businessman Russell Edwards was intrigued enough by the crimes to have bought a shawl that was supposedly found near Eddowes’ body. The shawl was collected by one of the police officers investigating the crime, though preservation of evidence was more lax in those days.

While other “Ripperologists” have dismissed the shawl as a fake, Edwards believed its Michaelmas flowers were an obscure clue left by the killer warning of his next attack, which occurred on November 8, 1888 at the Eastern Orthodox Churches’ Michaelmas festival.

Edwards had the shawl tested and found not only blood, but also semen. The DNA was too degraded by the passage of time for microsatellite analysis, but Dr. Jari Louhelainen, a senior molecular biology lecturer at Liverpool John Moores University, matched the mitochondrial DNA from the blood to a descendent of Eddowes, using a technique he developed for extracting genetic material from cloth.

Edwards has also claimed to have matched the DNA from cells in the semen to a descendent of Kosminski’s sister. Kosminski was long considered one of the main suspects for the crimes. He lived in the areas where they occurred and was known for his severe mental illness and his misogyny. In addition, the crimes of the original Ripper stopped after he was committed to a mental institution. 

Edwards is claiming the evidence as conclusive, but has chosen to publish his claims in a book and the frequently anti-science Daily Mail, rather than a scientific publication.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Richard Gere (65), Chris Tucker (43), Lily Tomlin (75), Barry Gibb (68), Gloria Estefan (57), Keanu Reeves (50), Salma Hayek (48), Charlie Sheen (49), Raquel Welch (74), Michael Keaton (53), Rose McGowan (41) and Pippa Middleton (31).

2013 League Table

{confidential}

Next week peeps!

Cor Blimey Governor! We have a points bonanza this week, all  thanks to Dead Pool favourite, Richard Attenborough who died last week at the age of 90, thus bestowing 60 points to the following people: Barry, Millie, Tasha, Ceri, Claire, Stu and Neil. Well done all of you, commiserations to Justine and Christine who had his brother David, but it’s still early days, who knows what next week will bring, like last week has been a particularly bad week for Bass players, as you will see from the list below:

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• John Fellows Akers, 79, American businessman, President (1983–1989) and CEO (1985–1993) of IBM.
• Philippine de Rothschild, 80, French winemaker.
• Richard Attenborough, 90, English actor (Brighton Rock, The Great Escape, Jurassic Park) and Academy Award-winning film director and producer (Gandhi).
• Leonid Stadnyk, 44, Ukrainian farmer, world’s tallest man claimant, brain haemorrhage.
• Samuel Sadela, 114, Nigerian pastor, unverified claimant for world’s oldest man.
• Jim Petrie, 82, British cartoonist (Minnie the Minx).
• Bill Kerr, 92, South African-born Australian actor and comedian (Hancock’s Half Hour).
• John Anthony Walker, 77, American naval officer, convicted of spying for the Soviet Union.
• Glenn Cornick, 67, British bassist (Jethro Tull), heart failure.
• Tim Williams, 30, American bassist (Suicidal Tendencies).
• Jason Curley, 42, Australian bassist (Tumbleweed).

In Other News

Legendary wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts has been admitted to a Las Vegas hospital in intensive care with double pneumonia, according to reports. Roberts was en route to Las Vegas for a promotion on Wednesday when he lapsed into unconsciousness. He was in a coma for 24 hours but has now regained consciousness. Roberts had battled substance abuse problems but had turned his life around in recent months thanks to his association with onetime protege Diamond Dallas Page whom Roberts credited with saving his life. Methinks he spoke too soon! 

Comedian Joan Rivers is in serious condition at a New York hospital a couple of days after she was admitted suffering a cardiac arrest when her breathing stopped during a vocal cord procedure, her family and hospital officials said. The tart-tongued comedienne, 81, has often been criticised for her making insensitive jokes. Last year, she was criticised by some Jewish groups for making jokes about the Holocaust and during this month’s Gaza conflict, she caused fresh controversy when she said that that Palestinian civilians “deserve to be dead”. I’m sure they are  now returning the favour by wishing her a speedy recovery… **Edit: She’s now been placed on full life support, things don’t look too promising for her** 

Talking about the Holocaust, George Galloway, the Bradford West MP was released from hospital on Saturday morning having suffered a suspected broken jaw and rib as well as facial bruising! Neil Masterson, 39, has been accused of shouting about the Holocaust and attacking him. Well done that man, give him an OBE in next year’s honours. The attack upon the much hated Galloway was instigated by comments Galloway recently made about the conflict in Gaza in which he claimed Bradford was an Israel-free zone, looks like he was very wrong about that too.  

In a case of supreme Darwinism, a nine-year-old girl has accidentally shot dead a shooting instructor who was teaching her how to use a powerful Uzi submachine gun. In a case of utter stupidity with an ending that nobody could predict, Charles Vacca was showing the unnamed youngster how to fire the weapon at the Last Stop outdoor shooting range in the Mohave Desert in White Hills, Arizona, when the gun recoiled as she pulled the trigger. Sadly, this is not an uncommon happening in the US, at least 100 children have been involved in accidental shootings between December 2012 and December 2013 where a child has found a firearm at their parents house and accidentally shot a friend, family member or themselves. 

Here are a few names for you to consider for next year. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences are handing out honorary lifetime awards to actor/singer Harry Belafonte, Japanese director Hayao Miyazaki,  Irish-born actress Maureen O’Hara and French screenwriter and actor Jean-Claude Carriere. The youngest of this troupe is 73, so lets hope they make it to November to collect their statuette. Previous recipients of the award include actors Eli Wallach and Lauren Bacall, who both died recently, director Francis Ford Coppola, Angelina Jolie and Steve Martin. It doesn’t bode well for any of them… 

On This Day

• 1422 – King Henry V of England dies of dysentery while in France. His son, Henry VI becomes King of England at the age of 9 months.
• 1888 – Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. She is the first of Jack the Ripper‘s confirmed victims.
• 1895 – German Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin patents his Navigable Balloon.
• 1897 – Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, the first movie projector.
• 1968 – Garfield Sobers became the first batsman ever to hit six sixes in a single over of six consecutive balls in first-class cricket.
• 1997 – Diana, Princess of Wales, her companion Dodi Fayed and driver Henri Paul die in a car crash in Paris.

Deaths

• 1422 – Henry V of England (b. 1386)
• 1688 – John Bunyan, English preacher and author (b. 1628)
• 1867 – Charles Baudelaire, French poet and critic (b. 1821)
• 1869 – Mary Ward, Irish scientist (b. 1827)
• 1888 – Mary Ann Nichols, English victim of Jack the Ripper (b. 1845)
• 1969 – Rocky Marciano, American boxer (b. 1923)
• 1973 – John Ford, American actor, director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1894)
• 1997 – Dodi Fayed, Egyptian film producer (b. 1955)
• 1997 – Diana, Princess of Wales (b. 1961)
• 2012 – Max Bygraves, English-Australian actor and singer (b. 1922)
• 2013 – David Frost, English journalist and game show host (b. 1939)

Last Week’s Birthdays

Steve Guttenberg (59), Dave Chappelle (41), Rupert Grint (26), Stephen Fry (57), Gene Simmons (65), Elvis Costello (60), Billy Ray Cyrus (53), Claudia Schiffer (44), Rachel Bilson (33), Paul Reubens (62), Shania Twain (49), Jack Black (45), Jason Priestley (45), LeAnn Rimes (32), Florence Welch (28), Elliott Gould (76), Rebecca De Mornay (55), John McCain (78), Peggy Lipton (68), Cameron Diaz (42), and Warren Buffett (84).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Welcome all, alas, after the highs of last week  we are  dumped to another low. No   points to be awarded and no superstars have committed suicide. But, as always we have plenty of news for you to peruse, plenty to talk about.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• James Alexander Gordon, 78, British radio broadcaster (BBC Radio 5 Live).
• Don Pardo, 96, American radio and television announcer (Saturday Night Live, Jeopardy!).
• James Foley, 40, American photojournalist, beheading.
• Brian G. Hutton, 79, American actor (King Creole, Last Train from Gun Hill) and film director (Kelly’s Heroes, Where Eagles Dare).
• Candida Lycett Green, 71, British author, pancreatic cancer.
• B. K. S. Iyengar, 95, Indian yogi, founder of Iyengar Yoga, heart attack and renal failure.
• Gerry Anderson, 69, British broadcaster (BBC Northern Ireland).
• Lyndam Gregory, 59, Indian-born British actor (The Archers, Coronation Street, EastEnders), lung cancer.
• Jean Redpath, 77, Scottish folk singer-songwriter, cancer.
• Albert Reynolds, 81, Irish politician, Taoiseach (1992–1994). 

In Other News

Authorities in New York have denied parole to the man who shot dead musician John Lennon in 1980 for the eighth time. Mark Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life in 1981 after pleading guilty to second-degree murder. Chapman, now 59, shot Lennon four times outside a Manhattan apartment block. Just goes to show, if you shoot an international superstar, you will rot in jail forever, but kill and rape a couple of kids, you will be free after a few years.

Dead Pool favourite, Paul Gascoigne, 47, who has a  long history of problems with alcohol, is believed to have been admitted to Poole hospital last Thursday after being found pissed outside his home. Some of you may have seen the shocking pictures showing a prematurely aged and haggard Gazza being led into the back of an ambulance, a pale shadow of the footballing hero he once was. Could this be his last trip in an ambulance? Let’s wait and find out! 

New figures have shown that terminally ill Britons now make up a nearly one quarter of users of suicide clinics like Dignitas in Switzerland. Only Germany has a higher numbers of ‘suicide tourists’ visiting institutions to end their own lives. Roughly 25 Britons a year make the trip, which is 25 less bodies to scrape off the pavements or 25 less traumatised train drivers, so that can only be a good thing. If you ever feel the need to help someone along in Britain, remember that the 1961 Suicide Act makes it an offence to encourage or assist a suicide or a suicide attempt in England and Wales, fuck knows about Scotland, nobody there lived long enough to try. Anyone doing so could face up to 14 years in prison. So remember when you see someone teetering over the edge of a motorway bridge, shouting ‘Jump’ could mean you end up with your bedmate being called Big Hairy Barbra and you chewing the pillow for a long time! 

Snooker player, Ali Carter is making a rather disappointing recovery from lung cancer. The two-times World Snooker Championship runner-up expects to be back playing soon after finishing an intensive course of chemotherapy. The 35-year-old was diagnosed with lung cancer in May, less than a year after resuming his career having recovered from testicular cancer. Carter also suffers from Crohns disease but is upbeat about his future. Fair play to him. 

Pope Francis has publicly broached the prospect of his own death for the first time, light-heartedly giving himself “two or three years”. The 77-year-old says he may ‘soon be off to the Father’s house’ and would retire if he could no longer perform his duties. While the Pope has not spoken publicly before about when he might meet his maker, a Vatican source said he had previously told those close to him that he thought he only had a few years left, which is only good news to many of you taking part in the Dead Pool. 

In a sure sign of impending doom, the veteran screen star  Debbie Reynolds is to be given a lifetime achievement award by the Screen Actors Guild. The 82-year-old, whose credits include Singin’ In The Rain and TV sitcom Will and Grace, will receive her accolade at the SAG awards ceremony on 25th January, let’s hope she lasts until then. Reynolds, mother of Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher, has been in showbusiness for 66 years and kick-started her career at the age of 16 by winning the Miss Burbank competition with the hope of winning a blouse and a scarf. Can’t see many girls doing that nowadays, much easier to purloin them from TopShop.

On This Day

• 79 – Mount Vesuvius erupts. The cities of Pompeii, Herculaneum, and Stabiae are buried in volcanic ash.
• 1456 – The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed.
• 1875 – Captain Matthew Webb became first person to swim the English Channel
• 1891 – Thomas Edison patents the motion picture camera.
• 1909 – Workers start pouring concrete for the Panama Canal.
• 1932 – Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly across the United States non-stop (from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey).
• 1981 – Mark David Chapman is sentenced to 20 years to life in prison for murdering John Lennon.
• 2006 – The International Astronomical Union (IAU) redefines the term “planet” such that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet.

Deaths

• 1217 – Eustace the Monk, French pirate (b. 1170)
• 2001 – Jane Greer, American actress and singer (b. 1924)
• 2013 – Mike Winters, English comedian and actor (b. 1926)

Four Diseases You Should Be More Afraid Of Than Ebola by KoA

The current outbreak of the Ebola Virus in West Africa is the largest in history, and has already killed over 1200 people. Of course, when the disease threatened to take to America, a cure was miraculously found, but let’s not get into that argument, we know how racist the States are, even stealing a bottle of pop will ensure a black man will end up with nine bullets in him, two to the head, execution stylee. But if you think Ebola is shit scary, look closer to home. Check out these 5 diseases that could easily cause a global health emergency:

Influenza 

Around 3-5 million people around the world will become severely ill due to the flu virus every year, resulting in 250,000-300,000 deaths. That’s an incredible amount of people, even though the mortality rate is fairly low. However, this is just the seasonal flu, what about those seriously nasty strains we’ve all heard about, like H5N1 and H7N9? These strains of bird flu are highly virulent and have a 60% mortality rate in humans, luckily they don’t spread readily from human to human, yet, but a small mutation is all it takes!! 

Diarrhoea 

Remember that bout of the shits you had, wasn’t too pleasant was it, and that was just a little spat, probably caused by the kebab and 8 pints of wine you had. But diarrhoea is the number one cause of death in children under 5 around the globe. It affects over 1.7 billion people each year, resulting in the deaths of 801,000 children alone. Diarrhoea depletes the body of necessary fluids and salts and if this is left unchecked, the infected will die of severe dehydration. The main cause of diarrheic disease is rotavirus in children and norovirus for adults, though there are other bacterial and viral causes as well. Cholera, Salmonella, Nipah virus, and hemorrhagic fever including Ebola, Lassa, and Marbug are all noteworthy sources of highly infectious diseases that cause diarrhoea.

Tuberculosis 

TB is a bacterial infection that affects two billion people a year, resulting in 1.3 million deaths. Once exposed, an individual might not become sick right away. In fact, the bacteria can remain dormant for several years before causing illness. Though TB doesn’t spread while in this latent phase, it can become an active infection at any time. Once symptoms begin, the lungs are the primary affected organ. What might begin as a nagging cough or fatigue can easily turn into sharp chest pain and coughing up blood. If TB affects other parts of the body, it can lead to joint pain, impede liver or kidney function, cause meningitis, or fatal inflammation and fluid buildup around the heart. But we’ve all been inoculated as kids, I have the scar to prove it! Unfortunately, this airborne bacterium is on the rise due to those stupid Anti-vaccers and many strains are now becoming resistant to most treatments. The mortality rate for drug-resistant TB is about 80%. As drug resistance continues to grow, TB could affect even more people and result in even more deaths.

Antimicrobial Resistance 

Antibiotics have been one of the best advancements in medical history, but irresponsible use has turned this blessing into a curse. When not taken correctly, the medication can’t kill all of the bacteria. The ones that are left have now been exposed to the drug, but didn’t die from it. By not taking the full course of antibiotics, that mutation that confers resistance has been selected for, and those bacteria will continue to proliferate. When they go on to cause an illness again, they are not so easily defeated. That has basically been the story of how things like Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) have become the problems that they are today. Over two million people develop a drug-resistant infection each year, resulting in over 23,000 deaths. The World Health Organisation (WHO) released a report in April 2014 stating that “a post-antibiotic era, far from being an apocalyptic fantasy, is instead a very real possibility for the 21st Century.” Traditional treatments are meeting resistance for a number of infections and diseases including (but most definitely not limited to) urinary tract infections, tuberculosis, malaria, HIV, influenza, Clostridium difficile (C. diff), and gonorrhoea. In fact, there have been reports in several countries that gonorrhoea has even become resistant all forms of treatment. So be careful if you fuck around!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Robert De Nero (71), Belinda Carlisle (56), Sean Penn (54), Robert Redford (78), Denis Leary (57), Christian Slater (45), Edward Norton (45), Kevin Dillon (49), Matthew Perry (45), Bill Clinton (68), Robert Plant (66), Kenny Rogers (76), Kim Cattrall (58), Carrie-Anne Moss (47), Hayden Panettiere (24), Usain Bolt (28), Tori Amos (51), Ty Burrell (47) and Kirsten Wiig (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Afternoon all. With  the sad loss of Robin Williams last week, this is one of those times that I don’t particularly like being the editor of this little publication, but onwards we must go. Obviously nobody had him on their lists, just goes to show how unexpected his death was and how loved he was by everyone, nobody picks the people they really like after all…

But as I said, time waits for no man, and it’s my duty to dole out the points nevertheless. Paula was the only one this year to have Lauren Bacall on her list, well done her. 81 points and off her duck for this year. As was pointed out to me earlier this week, with the death of Lauren Bacall, everyone who is named on Madonna’s song Vogue has now died! Sounds like she’s doing better than the rest of us at this little game. With little over four months left to go, we’re all struggling a bit, more than half of us are yet to score! Worry not though, Winter is coming…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• J. J. Murphy, 86, Northern Irish actor (Mickybo and Me, Angela’s Ashes, Game of Thrones).
• Ed Nelson, 85, American actor (Gunsmoke, Murder, She Wrote, Peyton Place), heart failure.
• Raymond Berthillon, 90, French ice cream manufacturer (Berthillon).
• Robin Williams, 63, American comedian and Academy Award-winning film (Good Will Hunting), television (Mork & Mindy), and voice (Aladdin) actor, suicide by hanging.
• Joe Viskocil, 61, American visual effects artist (Star Wars, Apollo 13), Academy Award winner (Independence Day), complications from multiple organ failure.
• Arlene Martel, 78, American actress (Star Trek, Hogan’s Heroes, The Twilight Zone), heart attack.
• Lauren Bacall, 89, American Tony Award-winning stage (Applause, Woman of the Year) and film (To Have and Have Not, The Mirror Has Two Faces) actress, stroke.

In Other News

The ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still progressing. The latest news is that his body is heading to Europe, specifically Oslo, as reported by Norwegian newspaper VG. A government official told the newspaper that an application to inter the remains of the DJ at the city has been lodged. Nobody seems to know why Oslo has been chosen, nobody in the Kasem family have ties to Norway whatsoever, but as we know, Kasem’s widow is somewhat unhinged. Let’s watch and see how it all unfolds! 

Talking about Norway, the most prestigious international tournament in chess, The Chess Olympiad in Tromsøat, in which the world’s top players compete alongside amateurs to win honours for their country, has ended on a sombre note after two players died suddenly within hours of each other, one while he was in the middle of a match. Kurt Meier, 67, a Swiss-born member of the Seychelles team, collapsed on Thursday afternoon during his final match of the marathon two-week contest. Despite immediate medical attention at the scene he died later in hospital. Hours later, a player from Uzbekistan who has not yet been named was found dead in his hotel room. The Norwegian police and the event’s organisers said on Friday they were not treating the deaths as suspicious…  

In a boon to music, Céline Dion has cancelled all concert dates, including a major upcoming tour, in order to care for her husband, their family, and associated health issues. The singer will postpone all show business activities for the indefinite future, explaining that the day-to-day challenges were just too much. Dion’s main concern is her husband, 72-year-old René Angélil, who had a cancerous tumour removed last December. Our concern is that she returns to the stage. But Dion is herself fighting an undisclosed illness. It has caused “inflammation in her throat muscles”, there’s a crass joke there, I’ll let you make it.  

That little cunt, Justin Bieber, has agreed to take anger management classes after pleading guilty to careless driving and resisting arrest in Miami. The ‘singer’ was held by police in Florida in January after a street drag race. Prosecutors agreed to drop a charge of driving under the influence in exchange for the guilty pleas. Bieber’s also agreed to pay court fees and give £30,000 to charity. A very lenient sentence indeed, I’d have had him castrated and force fed his little cock and balls to him in front of his adoring fans, who he has such disdain for he spits at them. Cunt!  

Following the cancellation of six tour dates, details of Rick Parfitts medical condition have been revealed. Results from tests confirm that the Status Quo members health was recently impaired by a problem regarding his quadruple heart bypass in 1997. Tests carried out at the Royal Brompton Hospital in London showed that one of the grafts inserted during his original quadruple heart bypass had become “furred”, but the situation “has been remedied by the insertion of a stent and Rick is now recuperating.” Woo! 

Frank Maloney, the transsexual former boxing promoter who guided Lennox Lewis to the world heavyweight title, tried to kill herself as she struggled to cope with her secret life, it has emerged. The 61-year-old – now known as Kellie – took a mixture of alcohol and prescription pills following the collapse of her marriage due to her wish to live as a woman. Maloney’s comments come after she went public with her new female identity. As a former Ukip candidate who is twice married and has three daughters, said she had been living as a female for more than a year. Fair play to her, but let’s be honest here, I wouldn’t shag her.  

Nobody has ever heard of this cunt, but Ethan Zuckerman has a lot to answer for. He’s the chap who invented and programmed the vexatious form of online advertising now known as the Pop-up!!! Last week he admitted his sin and even admits that he’s frustrated by them himself. I’ve never wished ill will upon anyone, but if anyone runs into this arsehole, do the world a favour.  

And finally, Wang, the last polar bear in Africa, has died at Johannesburg Zoo after months of “pining” for his longtime mate who passed away earlier this year, the bear’s keepers have said. The 30-year-old polar bear was said to be heartbroken and depressed after the death of a female named GeeBee in January. The two bears had shared an enclosure for 27 years. Wang was suffering heart and liver failure, and on Wednesday veterinarians made the “very tough decision” to euthanise him. Thankfully, Johannesburg Zoo officials say the polar bears will not be replaced, a decision made in partnership with other African zoos, which is the first bit of common sense I have heard anyone speak this year. Fucking Polar Bears in Africa, you’re having a laugh! 

On This Day

• 1771 – Edinburgh botanist James Robertson makes the first recorded ascent of Ben Nevis in Scotland.
• 1896 – Bridget Driscoll is run over by a Benz car in the grounds of The Crystal Palace, London, the world’s first motoring fatality.
• 1908 – Fantasmagorie, the first animated cartoon, created by Émile Cohl, is shown in Paris, France.
• 1980 – Azaria Chamberlain disappears, at Ayers Rock, Northern Territory, probably taken by a dingo, leading to what was then the most publicized trial in Australian history.
• 1982 – The first Compact Discs (CDs) are released to the public in Germany.
• 1998 – Lewinsky scandal: US President Bill Clinton admits in taped testimony that he had an “improper physical relationship” with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. On the same day he admits before the nation that he “misled people” about the relationship.
• 2008 – American swimmer Michael Phelps becomes the first person to win eight gold medals in one Olympic Games.

Deaths

• 1983 – Ira Gershwin, American songwriter (b. 1896)
• 1987 – Rudolf Hess, German politician (b. 1894)

The Biggest Threats to Human Existence: Part 2 by KoA

1. Bioengineered Pandemic 

Natural pandemics have killed more people than wars. However, natural pandemics are unlikely to be existential threats: there are usually some people resistant to the pathogen, and the offspring of survivors would be more resistant. Evolution also does not favour parasites that wipe out their hosts, which is why syphilis went from a virulent killer to a chronic disease as it spread in Europe.

Unfortunately we can now make diseases nastier, and we all know some cunt out there will have a go. One of the more famous examples is how the introduction of an extra gene in Mousepox – the mouse version of Smallpox – made it far more lethal and able to infect vaccinated individuals. Recent work on bird flu has demonstrated that the contagiousness of a disease can be deliberately boosted.

Right now the risk of somebody deliberately releasing something devastating is low. But as biotechnology gets better and cheaper, more groups will be able to make diseases worse, and there’s nothing we can do to stop them!!

Most work on bio-weapons have been done by governments looking for something controllable, because wiping out humanity is not militarily useful, yet. But there are always some people who might want to do things  because they can. Others have higher purposes. For instance, the Aum Shinrikyo cult tried to hasten the apocalypse using bio-weapons beside their more successful nerve gas attack. Some people think the Earth would be better off without humans, and so on…

The number of fatalities from bioweapon and epidemic outbreaks attacks looks like it has a power-law distribution – most attacks have few victims, but a few kill many. Given current numbers the risk of a global pandemic from bioterrorism seems very small. But this is just bioterrorism: governments have killed far more people than terrorists with bio-weapons (up to 400,000 may have died from the second world war Japanese bio-war program). And as technology gets more powerful in the future nastier pathogens become easier to design. Yay!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Jennifer Lawrence (24), Ben Affleck (42), Madonna (56), Steve Carell (52), Mila Kunis (31), Steve Martin (69), Halle Berry (48), Hulk Hogan (61), Antonio Banderas (54), Debra Messing (46), Chris Hemsworth (31), George Hamilton (75), James Cameron (60), Julie Newmar (81), Princess Anne (64), Magic Johnson (55), David Crosby (73), Pete Sampras (43) and Rosanna Arquette (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon poolers, we have a point scorer!!! Dave guessed that Chapman Pincher would die and thus gains himself 50 points! Well done that man, boosting himself up to 9th place!  I have also taken the time to double check the lists for missed names and I have done a disservice to two of you. Martin and Liz, your scores are now where they should be as I missed that you had Dora Bryan, Sally Farmiloe and Sid Caesar respectively, all of which we covered in previous iterations of the newsletter. Remember, a lot of you have obscure names on your lists, so if you see that I have missed one of yours, please say so. I’m good, but not infallible.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Billie Letts, 76, American novelist (Where the Heart Is).
• Jake Hooker, 61, Israeli-born American pop musician (Arrows), songwriter (“I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll“) and producer.
• James Brady, 73, American government official, White House Press Secretary (1981–1989), shot during Reagan assassination attempt (1981).
• Chapman Pincher, 100, British journalist and historian.
• Marilyn Burns, 65, American actress (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre).
• Dharmesh Tiwari, 63, Indian actor (Mahabharat), diabetes.
• Danny Murphy, 58, American actor (There’s Something About Mary, Me, Myself and Irene), cancer.
• Menahem Golan, 85, Israeli producer (The Delta Force, Death Wish II).
• Christian Falk, 52, Swedish singer and bassist (Imperiet), pancreatic cancer.
• Charles Keating, 72, British Emmy Award-winning actor (All My Children, Another World), cancer.

In Other News

The ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still in the news. His remains  are still missing, presumed to be in a funeral home somewhere in Canada. But the latest news is that his wife has now lost support from her lawyers who have left her without legal representation and a large bill because she’s a mad cow. Jane Kasem is now being turned into a recluse with mounting debts over the debacle, all because she wants to hide the fact she abused the voice of Shaggy during his final years. Takes all sorts…

In a twist of misfortune, the man suspected to be responsible for stealing Michael Schumacher’s medical files has been found dead! The man, who has not been named, was a manager at Swiss air rescue firm Rega and had been arrested on Tuesday but denied the accusations. However, there must have been some guilt there as he was later found hanged in his cell on Wednesday morning. The stolen records were apparently being offered to media across Europe for 50,000 euros (£40,000, $68,000). Not a lot of money to die over, twat.

Singer Lady GaGa was hospitalised due to altitude sickness last week. She sought medical attention after performing at her ‘artRave: The ARTPOP Ball’ tour in Denver, Colorado, where altitude sickness is common due to thinner air. I suppose we can forgive her delicateness, the average altitude mean of Colorado is twice the height of Snowdon, no wonder its called the Mile High City! In the photo taken from her hospital bed, a wide-eyed Gaga can be seen with her oxygen mask upside down, but she is expected to perform at her next concert in Seattle on Friday, hopefully the right way up.

On This Day

• 1519 – Ferdinand Magellan‘s five ships set sail from Seville to circumnavigate the globe. The Basque second in command Juan Sebastián Elcano will complete the expedition after Magellan’s death in the Philippines.
• 1675 – The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London, England is laid.
• 1793 – The Musée du Louvre is officially opened in Paris, France.
• 1948 – Candid Camera makes its television debut.
• 1969 – A day after murdering Sharon Tate and four others, members of Charles Manson‘s cult kill Leno and Rosemary LaBianca.
• 2003 – The highest temperature ever recorded in the United Kingdom – 38.5 °C (101.3 °F) in Kent, England. It is the first time the United Kingdom has recorded a temperature over 100 °F (38 °C).
• 2003 – Yuri Malenchenko becomes the first person to marry in space.

Deaths

• 1932 – Rin Tin Tin, American acting dog (b. 1918)
• 1993 – Euronymous, Norwegian singer, guitarist, and producer (Mayhem) (b. 1968)
• 2008 – Isaac Hayes, American singer-songwriter, pianist, producer, and actor (b. 1942)
• 2012 – Carlo Rambaldi, Italian special effects artist (b. 1925)

Executions 101 by KoA

With all the recent furore in the media over the botched executions in America, I thought we’d take a look at how we used to do it over here in Good Old Blighty. As it happens, it was 50 years this month that the last executions were carried out in the UK.

Gwynne Evans and Peter Allen, two petty criminals who killed a man in a bungled burglary, were the last two people to be executed for murder in the Britain.

Justice came swiftly. The trial of 24-year-old Evans and Allen, who was 21, began on 23rd June at Manchester Assizes. On 7th July the men were found guilty and sentenced under the 1957 Homicide Act to suffer death “in the manner prescribed by law”.

Their appeal was heard just two weeks later – and dismissed the next day. A final appeal for clemency was rejected by the Home Secretary on 11th August. Less than five weeks elapsed by then. The speed of the process, even with two lives at stake, was not unusual. A delay covering three Sundays between sentencing and execution was all the law stipulated.

In the UK, an executioner and his assistant were expected to carry out their grisly duties in moments. On the stroke of 8am they would enter the condemned cell, strap the prisoner’s arms behind his back and lead him to the gallows. The whole procedure often took less than 10 seconds from the hangmen entering the cell to the prisoner dropping to his death! A far cry from the two hours endured by last week’s Joseph Wood by lethal injection. I know which one I’d rather suffer.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tony Bennett (88), Martin Sheen (74), Martha Stewart (73), James Hatfield (51), Evangeline Lilly (35), Billy Bob Thornton (59), Barack Obama (53), Loni Anderson (69), M. Night Shyamalan (44), Geri Halliwell (42), Michelle Yeoh (52), David Duchovny (53), Charlize Theon (39), Dustin Hoffman (77), Roger Federer (33), Princess Beatrice (26), Sam Elliott (70), Melanie Griffith (57), Rhona Mitra (38), Eric Bana (46), Gillian Anderson (46), Audrey Tautou (38), Tobin Bell (72),  Barbara Windsor (77), John Landis (64) and Anna Kendrick (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!