Welcome all, alas, after the highs of last week  we are  dumped to another low. No   points to be awarded and no superstars have committed suicide. But, as always we have plenty of news for you to peruse, plenty to talk about.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• James Alexander Gordon, 78, British radio broadcaster (BBC Radio 5 Live).
• Don Pardo, 96, American radio and television announcer (Saturday Night Live, Jeopardy!).
• James Foley, 40, American photojournalist, beheading.
• Brian G. Hutton, 79, American actor (King Creole, Last Train from Gun Hill) and film director (Kelly’s Heroes, Where Eagles Dare).
• Candida Lycett Green, 71, British author, pancreatic cancer.
• B. K. S. Iyengar, 95, Indian yogi, founder of Iyengar Yoga, heart attack and renal failure.
• Gerry Anderson, 69, British broadcaster (BBC Northern Ireland).
• Lyndam Gregory, 59, Indian-born British actor (The Archers, Coronation Street, EastEnders), lung cancer.
• Jean Redpath, 77, Scottish folk singer-songwriter, cancer.
• Albert Reynolds, 81, Irish politician, Taoiseach (1992–1994). 

In Other News

Authorities in New York have denied parole to the man who shot dead musician John Lennon in 1980 for the eighth time. Mark Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life in 1981 after pleading guilty to second-degree murder. Chapman, now 59, shot Lennon four times outside a Manhattan apartment block. Just goes to show, if you shoot an international superstar, you will rot in jail forever, but kill and rape a couple of kids, you will be free after a few years.

Dead Pool favourite, Paul Gascoigne, 47, who has a  long history of problems with alcohol, is believed to have been admitted to Poole hospital last Thursday after being found pissed outside his home. Some of you may have seen the shocking pictures showing a prematurely aged and haggard Gazza being led into the back of an ambulance, a pale shadow of the footballing hero he once was. Could this be his last trip in an ambulance? Let’s wait and find out! 

New figures have shown that terminally ill Britons now make up a nearly one quarter of users of suicide clinics like Dignitas in Switzerland. Only Germany has a higher numbers of ‘suicide tourists’ visiting institutions to end their own lives. Roughly 25 Britons a year make the trip, which is 25 less bodies to scrape off the pavements or 25 less traumatised train drivers, so that can only be a good thing. If you ever feel the need to help someone along in Britain, remember that the 1961 Suicide Act makes it an offence to encourage or assist a suicide or a suicide attempt in England and Wales, fuck knows about Scotland, nobody there lived long enough to try. Anyone doing so could face up to 14 years in prison. So remember when you see someone teetering over the edge of a motorway bridge, shouting ‘Jump’ could mean you end up with your bedmate being called Big Hairy Barbra and you chewing the pillow for a long time! 

Snooker player, Ali Carter is making a rather disappointing recovery from lung cancer. The two-times World Snooker Championship runner-up expects to be back playing soon after finishing an intensive course of chemotherapy. The 35-year-old was diagnosed with lung cancer in May, less than a year after resuming his career having recovered from testicular cancer. Carter also suffers from Crohns disease but is upbeat about his future. Fair play to him. 

Pope Francis has publicly broached the prospect of his own death for the first time, light-heartedly giving himself “two or three years”. The 77-year-old says he may ‘soon be off to the Father’s house’ and would retire if he could no longer perform his duties. While the Pope has not spoken publicly before about when he might meet his maker, a Vatican source said he had previously told those close to him that he thought he only had a few years left, which is only good news to many of you taking part in the Dead Pool. 

In a sure sign of impending doom, the veteran screen star  Debbie Reynolds is to be given a lifetime achievement award by the Screen Actors Guild. The 82-year-old, whose credits include Singin’ In The Rain and TV sitcom Will and Grace, will receive her accolade at the SAG awards ceremony on 25th January, let’s hope she lasts until then. Reynolds, mother of Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher, has been in showbusiness for 66 years and kick-started her career at the age of 16 by winning the Miss Burbank competition with the hope of winning a blouse and a scarf. Can’t see many girls doing that nowadays, much easier to purloin them from TopShop.

On This Day

• 79 – Mount Vesuvius erupts. The cities of Pompeii, Herculaneum, and Stabiae are buried in volcanic ash.
• 1456 – The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed.
• 1875 – Captain Matthew Webb became first person to swim the English Channel
• 1891 – Thomas Edison patents the motion picture camera.
• 1909 – Workers start pouring concrete for the Panama Canal.
• 1932 – Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly across the United States non-stop (from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey).
• 1981 – Mark David Chapman is sentenced to 20 years to life in prison for murdering John Lennon.
• 2006 – The International Astronomical Union (IAU) redefines the term “planet” such that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet.

Deaths

• 1217 – Eustace the Monk, French pirate (b. 1170)
• 2001 – Jane Greer, American actress and singer (b. 1924)
• 2013 – Mike Winters, English comedian and actor (b. 1926)

Four Diseases You Should Be More Afraid Of Than Ebola by KoA

The current outbreak of the Ebola Virus in West Africa is the largest in history, and has already killed over 1200 people. Of course, when the disease threatened to take to America, a cure was miraculously found, but let’s not get into that argument, we know how racist the States are, even stealing a bottle of pop will ensure a black man will end up with nine bullets in him, two to the head, execution stylee. But if you think Ebola is shit scary, look closer to home. Check out these 5 diseases that could easily cause a global health emergency:

Influenza 

Around 3-5 million people around the world will become severely ill due to the flu virus every year, resulting in 250,000-300,000 deaths. That’s an incredible amount of people, even though the mortality rate is fairly low. However, this is just the seasonal flu, what about those seriously nasty strains we’ve all heard about, like H5N1 and H7N9? These strains of bird flu are highly virulent and have a 60% mortality rate in humans, luckily they don’t spread readily from human to human, yet, but a small mutation is all it takes!! 

Diarrhoea 

Remember that bout of the shits you had, wasn’t too pleasant was it, and that was just a little spat, probably caused by the kebab and 8 pints of wine you had. But diarrhoea is the number one cause of death in children under 5 around the globe. It affects over 1.7 billion people each year, resulting in the deaths of 801,000 children alone. Diarrhoea depletes the body of necessary fluids and salts and if this is left unchecked, the infected will die of severe dehydration. The main cause of diarrheic disease is rotavirus in children and norovirus for adults, though there are other bacterial and viral causes as well. Cholera, Salmonella, Nipah virus, and hemorrhagic fever including Ebola, Lassa, and Marbug are all noteworthy sources of highly infectious diseases that cause diarrhoea.

Tuberculosis 

TB is a bacterial infection that affects two billion people a year, resulting in 1.3 million deaths. Once exposed, an individual might not become sick right away. In fact, the bacteria can remain dormant for several years before causing illness. Though TB doesn’t spread while in this latent phase, it can become an active infection at any time. Once symptoms begin, the lungs are the primary affected organ. What might begin as a nagging cough or fatigue can easily turn into sharp chest pain and coughing up blood. If TB affects other parts of the body, it can lead to joint pain, impede liver or kidney function, cause meningitis, or fatal inflammation and fluid buildup around the heart. But we’ve all been inoculated as kids, I have the scar to prove it! Unfortunately, this airborne bacterium is on the rise due to those stupid Anti-vaccers and many strains are now becoming resistant to most treatments. The mortality rate for drug-resistant TB is about 80%. As drug resistance continues to grow, TB could affect even more people and result in even more deaths.

Antimicrobial Resistance 

Antibiotics have been one of the best advancements in medical history, but irresponsible use has turned this blessing into a curse. When not taken correctly, the medication can’t kill all of the bacteria. The ones that are left have now been exposed to the drug, but didn’t die from it. By not taking the full course of antibiotics, that mutation that confers resistance has been selected for, and those bacteria will continue to proliferate. When they go on to cause an illness again, they are not so easily defeated. That has basically been the story of how things like Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) have become the problems that they are today. Over two million people develop a drug-resistant infection each year, resulting in over 23,000 deaths. The World Health Organisation (WHO) released a report in April 2014 stating that “a post-antibiotic era, far from being an apocalyptic fantasy, is instead a very real possibility for the 21st Century.” Traditional treatments are meeting resistance for a number of infections and diseases including (but most definitely not limited to) urinary tract infections, tuberculosis, malaria, HIV, influenza, Clostridium difficile (C. diff), and gonorrhoea. In fact, there have been reports in several countries that gonorrhoea has even become resistant all forms of treatment. So be careful if you fuck around!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Robert De Nero (71), Belinda Carlisle (56), Sean Penn (54), Robert Redford (78), Denis Leary (57), Christian Slater (45), Edward Norton (45), Kevin Dillon (49), Matthew Perry (45), Bill Clinton (68), Robert Plant (66), Kenny Rogers (76), Kim Cattrall (58), Carrie-Anne Moss (47), Hayden Panettiere (24), Usain Bolt (28), Tori Amos (51), Ty Burrell (47) and Kirsten Wiig (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!

Afternoon all. With  the sad loss of Robin Williams last week, this is one of those times that I don’t particularly like being the editor of this little publication, but onwards we must go. Obviously nobody had him on their lists, just goes to show how unexpected his death was and how loved he was by everyone, nobody picks the people they really like after all…

But as I said, time waits for no man, and it’s my duty to dole out the points nevertheless. Paula was the only one this year to have Lauren Bacall on her list, well done her. 81 points and off her duck for this year. As was pointed out to me earlier this week, with the death of Lauren Bacall, everyone who is named on Madonna’s song Vogue has now died! Sounds like she’s doing better than the rest of us at this little game. With little over four months left to go, we’re all struggling a bit, more than half of us are yet to score! Worry not though, Winter is coming…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• J. J. Murphy, 86, Northern Irish actor (Mickybo and Me, Angela’s Ashes, Game of Thrones).
• Ed Nelson, 85, American actor (Gunsmoke, Murder, She Wrote, Peyton Place), heart failure.
• Raymond Berthillon, 90, French ice cream manufacturer (Berthillon).
• Robin Williams, 63, American comedian and Academy Award-winning film (Good Will Hunting), television (Mork & Mindy), and voice (Aladdin) actor, suicide by hanging.
• Joe Viskocil, 61, American visual effects artist (Star Wars, Apollo 13), Academy Award winner (Independence Day), complications from multiple organ failure.
• Arlene Martel, 78, American actress (Star Trek, Hogan’s Heroes, The Twilight Zone), heart attack.
• Lauren Bacall, 89, American Tony Award-winning stage (Applause, Woman of the Year) and film (To Have and Have Not, The Mirror Has Two Faces) actress, stroke.

In Other News

The ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still progressing. The latest news is that his body is heading to Europe, specifically Oslo, as reported by Norwegian newspaper VG. A government official told the newspaper that an application to inter the remains of the DJ at the city has been lodged. Nobody seems to know why Oslo has been chosen, nobody in the Kasem family have ties to Norway whatsoever, but as we know, Kasem’s widow is somewhat unhinged. Let’s watch and see how it all unfolds! 

Talking about Norway, the most prestigious international tournament in chess, The Chess Olympiad in Tromsøat, in which the world’s top players compete alongside amateurs to win honours for their country, has ended on a sombre note after two players died suddenly within hours of each other, one while he was in the middle of a match. Kurt Meier, 67, a Swiss-born member of the Seychelles team, collapsed on Thursday afternoon during his final match of the marathon two-week contest. Despite immediate medical attention at the scene he died later in hospital. Hours later, a player from Uzbekistan who has not yet been named was found dead in his hotel room. The Norwegian police and the event’s organisers said on Friday they were not treating the deaths as suspicious…  

In a boon to music, Céline Dion has cancelled all concert dates, including a major upcoming tour, in order to care for her husband, their family, and associated health issues. The singer will postpone all show business activities for the indefinite future, explaining that the day-to-day challenges were just too much. Dion’s main concern is her husband, 72-year-old René Angélil, who had a cancerous tumour removed last December. Our concern is that she returns to the stage. But Dion is herself fighting an undisclosed illness. It has caused “inflammation in her throat muscles”, there’s a crass joke there, I’ll let you make it.  

That little cunt, Justin Bieber, has agreed to take anger management classes after pleading guilty to careless driving and resisting arrest in Miami. The ‘singer’ was held by police in Florida in January after a street drag race. Prosecutors agreed to drop a charge of driving under the influence in exchange for the guilty pleas. Bieber’s also agreed to pay court fees and give £30,000 to charity. A very lenient sentence indeed, I’d have had him castrated and force fed his little cock and balls to him in front of his adoring fans, who he has such disdain for he spits at them. Cunt!  

Following the cancellation of six tour dates, details of Rick Parfitts medical condition have been revealed. Results from tests confirm that the Status Quo members health was recently impaired by a problem regarding his quadruple heart bypass in 1997. Tests carried out at the Royal Brompton Hospital in London showed that one of the grafts inserted during his original quadruple heart bypass had become “furred”, but the situation “has been remedied by the insertion of a stent and Rick is now recuperating.” Woo! 

Frank Maloney, the transsexual former boxing promoter who guided Lennox Lewis to the world heavyweight title, tried to kill herself as she struggled to cope with her secret life, it has emerged. The 61-year-old – now known as Kellie – took a mixture of alcohol and prescription pills following the collapse of her marriage due to her wish to live as a woman. Maloney’s comments come after she went public with her new female identity. As a former Ukip candidate who is twice married and has three daughters, said she had been living as a female for more than a year. Fair play to her, but let’s be honest here, I wouldn’t shag her.  

Nobody has ever heard of this cunt, but Ethan Zuckerman has a lot to answer for. He’s the chap who invented and programmed the vexatious form of online advertising now known as the Pop-up!!! Last week he admitted his sin and even admits that he’s frustrated by them himself. I’ve never wished ill will upon anyone, but if anyone runs into this arsehole, do the world a favour.  

And finally, Wang, the last polar bear in Africa, has died at Johannesburg Zoo after months of “pining” for his longtime mate who passed away earlier this year, the bear’s keepers have said. The 30-year-old polar bear was said to be heartbroken and depressed after the death of a female named GeeBee in January. The two bears had shared an enclosure for 27 years. Wang was suffering heart and liver failure, and on Wednesday veterinarians made the “very tough decision” to euthanise him. Thankfully, Johannesburg Zoo officials say the polar bears will not be replaced, a decision made in partnership with other African zoos, which is the first bit of common sense I have heard anyone speak this year. Fucking Polar Bears in Africa, you’re having a laugh! 

On This Day

• 1771 – Edinburgh botanist James Robertson makes the first recorded ascent of Ben Nevis in Scotland.
• 1896 – Bridget Driscoll is run over by a Benz car in the grounds of The Crystal Palace, London, the world’s first motoring fatality.
• 1908 – Fantasmagorie, the first animated cartoon, created by Émile Cohl, is shown in Paris, France.
• 1980 – Azaria Chamberlain disappears, at Ayers Rock, Northern Territory, probably taken by a dingo, leading to what was then the most publicized trial in Australian history.
• 1982 – The first Compact Discs (CDs) are released to the public in Germany.
• 1998 – Lewinsky scandal: US President Bill Clinton admits in taped testimony that he had an “improper physical relationship” with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. On the same day he admits before the nation that he “misled people” about the relationship.
• 2008 – American swimmer Michael Phelps becomes the first person to win eight gold medals in one Olympic Games.

Deaths

• 1983 – Ira Gershwin, American songwriter (b. 1896)
• 1987 – Rudolf Hess, German politician (b. 1894)

The Biggest Threats to Human Existence: Part 2 by KoA

1. Bioengineered Pandemic 

Natural pandemics have killed more people than wars. However, natural pandemics are unlikely to be existential threats: there are usually some people resistant to the pathogen, and the offspring of survivors would be more resistant. Evolution also does not favour parasites that wipe out their hosts, which is why syphilis went from a virulent killer to a chronic disease as it spread in Europe.

Unfortunately we can now make diseases nastier, and we all know some cunt out there will have a go. One of the more famous examples is how the introduction of an extra gene in Mousepox – the mouse version of Smallpox – made it far more lethal and able to infect vaccinated individuals. Recent work on bird flu has demonstrated that the contagiousness of a disease can be deliberately boosted.

Right now the risk of somebody deliberately releasing something devastating is low. But as biotechnology gets better and cheaper, more groups will be able to make diseases worse, and there’s nothing we can do to stop them!!

Most work on bio-weapons have been done by governments looking for something controllable, because wiping out humanity is not militarily useful, yet. But there are always some people who might want to do things  because they can. Others have higher purposes. For instance, the Aum Shinrikyo cult tried to hasten the apocalypse using bio-weapons beside their more successful nerve gas attack. Some people think the Earth would be better off without humans, and so on…

The number of fatalities from bioweapon and epidemic outbreaks attacks looks like it has a power-law distribution – most attacks have few victims, but a few kill many. Given current numbers the risk of a global pandemic from bioterrorism seems very small. But this is just bioterrorism: governments have killed far more people than terrorists with bio-weapons (up to 400,000 may have died from the second world war Japanese bio-war program). And as technology gets more powerful in the future nastier pathogens become easier to design. Yay!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Jennifer Lawrence (24), Ben Affleck (42), Madonna (56), Steve Carell (52), Mila Kunis (31), Steve Martin (69), Halle Berry (48), Hulk Hogan (61), Antonio Banderas (54), Debra Messing (46), Chris Hemsworth (31), George Hamilton (75), James Cameron (60), Julie Newmar (81), Princess Anne (64), Magic Johnson (55), David Crosby (73), Pete Sampras (43) and Rosanna Arquette (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon poolers, we have a point scorer!!! Dave guessed that Chapman Pincher would die and thus gains himself 50 points! Well done that man, boosting himself up to 9th place!  I have also taken the time to double check the lists for missed names and I have done a disservice to two of you. Martin and Liz, your scores are now where they should be as I missed that you had Dora Bryan, Sally Farmiloe and Sid Caesar respectively, all of which we covered in previous iterations of the newsletter. Remember, a lot of you have obscure names on your lists, so if you see that I have missed one of yours, please say so. I’m good, but not infallible.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Billie Letts, 76, American novelist (Where the Heart Is).
• Jake Hooker, 61, Israeli-born American pop musician (Arrows), songwriter (“I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll“) and producer.
• James Brady, 73, American government official, White House Press Secretary (1981–1989), shot during Reagan assassination attempt (1981).
• Chapman Pincher, 100, British journalist and historian.
• Marilyn Burns, 65, American actress (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre).
• Dharmesh Tiwari, 63, Indian actor (Mahabharat), diabetes.
• Danny Murphy, 58, American actor (There’s Something About Mary, Me, Myself and Irene), cancer.
• Menahem Golan, 85, Israeli producer (The Delta Force, Death Wish II).
• Christian Falk, 52, Swedish singer and bassist (Imperiet), pancreatic cancer.
• Charles Keating, 72, British Emmy Award-winning actor (All My Children, Another World), cancer.

In Other News

The ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still in the news. His remains  are still missing, presumed to be in a funeral home somewhere in Canada. But the latest news is that his wife has now lost support from her lawyers who have left her without legal representation and a large bill because she’s a mad cow. Jane Kasem is now being turned into a recluse with mounting debts over the debacle, all because she wants to hide the fact she abused the voice of Shaggy during his final years. Takes all sorts…

In a twist of misfortune, the man suspected to be responsible for stealing Michael Schumacher’s medical files has been found dead! The man, who has not been named, was a manager at Swiss air rescue firm Rega and had been arrested on Tuesday but denied the accusations. However, there must have been some guilt there as he was later found hanged in his cell on Wednesday morning. The stolen records were apparently being offered to media across Europe for 50,000 euros (£40,000, $68,000). Not a lot of money to die over, twat.

Singer Lady GaGa was hospitalised due to altitude sickness last week. She sought medical attention after performing at her ‘artRave: The ARTPOP Ball’ tour in Denver, Colorado, where altitude sickness is common due to thinner air. I suppose we can forgive her delicateness, the average altitude mean of Colorado is twice the height of Snowdon, no wonder its called the Mile High City! In the photo taken from her hospital bed, a wide-eyed Gaga can be seen with her oxygen mask upside down, but she is expected to perform at her next concert in Seattle on Friday, hopefully the right way up.

On This Day

• 1519 – Ferdinand Magellan‘s five ships set sail from Seville to circumnavigate the globe. The Basque second in command Juan Sebastián Elcano will complete the expedition after Magellan’s death in the Philippines.
• 1675 – The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London, England is laid.
• 1793 – The Musée du Louvre is officially opened in Paris, France.
• 1948 – Candid Camera makes its television debut.
• 1969 – A day after murdering Sharon Tate and four others, members of Charles Manson‘s cult kill Leno and Rosemary LaBianca.
• 2003 – The highest temperature ever recorded in the United Kingdom – 38.5 °C (101.3 °F) in Kent, England. It is the first time the United Kingdom has recorded a temperature over 100 °F (38 °C).
• 2003 – Yuri Malenchenko becomes the first person to marry in space.

Deaths

• 1932 – Rin Tin Tin, American acting dog (b. 1918)
• 1993 – Euronymous, Norwegian singer, guitarist, and producer (Mayhem) (b. 1968)
• 2008 – Isaac Hayes, American singer-songwriter, pianist, producer, and actor (b. 1942)
• 2012 – Carlo Rambaldi, Italian special effects artist (b. 1925)

Executions 101 by KoA

With all the recent furore in the media over the botched executions in America, I thought we’d take a look at how we used to do it over here in Good Old Blighty. As it happens, it was 50 years this month that the last executions were carried out in the UK.

Gwynne Evans and Peter Allen, two petty criminals who killed a man in a bungled burglary, were the last two people to be executed for murder in the Britain.

Justice came swiftly. The trial of 24-year-old Evans and Allen, who was 21, began on 23rd June at Manchester Assizes. On 7th July the men were found guilty and sentenced under the 1957 Homicide Act to suffer death “in the manner prescribed by law”.

Their appeal was heard just two weeks later – and dismissed the next day. A final appeal for clemency was rejected by the Home Secretary on 11th August. Less than five weeks elapsed by then. The speed of the process, even with two lives at stake, was not unusual. A delay covering three Sundays between sentencing and execution was all the law stipulated.

In the UK, an executioner and his assistant were expected to carry out their grisly duties in moments. On the stroke of 8am they would enter the condemned cell, strap the prisoner’s arms behind his back and lead him to the gallows. The whole procedure often took less than 10 seconds from the hangmen entering the cell to the prisoner dropping to his death! A far cry from the two hours endured by last week’s Joseph Wood by lethal injection. I know which one I’d rather suffer.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Tony Bennett (88), Martin Sheen (74), Martha Stewart (73), James Hatfield (51), Evangeline Lilly (35), Billy Bob Thornton (59), Barack Obama (53), Loni Anderson (69), M. Night Shyamalan (44), Geri Halliwell (42), Michelle Yeoh (52), David Duchovny (53), Charlize Theon (39), Dustin Hoffman (77), Roger Federer (33), Princess Beatrice (26), Sam Elliott (70), Melanie Griffith (57), Rhona Mitra (38), Eric Bana (46), Gillian Anderson (46), Audrey Tautou (38), Tobin Bell (72),  Barbara Windsor (77), John Landis (64) and Anna Kendrick (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Welcome all to yet another edition of the Dead Pool Newsletter, and for once a worthy celebrity for our attentive needs has decided to die before I have finished writing the bloody thing and not after I have pressed the send button! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have sent interesting articles for the newsletter, it’s very appreciated, and you will see them slowly trickling through to print eventually, so please keep sending them in! I’d rather have a backlog of stories than sitting here with writers block crying into my wine. Without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Edith Ritchie, 104, Scottish centenarian, one half of the world’s oldest twins.
• Sir Richard MacCormac, 75, British modernist architect, cancer.
• Sally Farmiloe, 60, South African-born British actress (Howards’ Way), breast cancer.
• James Shigeta, 85, American actor (Flower Drum Song, Die Hard, Mulan).
• Dick Smith, 92, American special effects make-up artist (The Godfather, The Exorcist, Amadeus), natural causes.
• Kenny Ireland, 68, Scottish actor (Benidorm), brain cancer.
• Theodore Van Kirk, 93, American military officer, Army Major, navigator and last surviving crew member on the Enola Gay.
• King Robbo, English underground graffiti artist, complications from a head injury.
• Ross Burden, 45, New Zealand celebrity chef (MasterChef, Ready Steady Cook, MasterChef New Zealand), infection from bone marrow transplant.
• Mike Smith, 59, British television and radio presenter (BBC Radio 1), complications from heart surgery.
• Norman Cornish, 94, English artist.
• Michael Johns, 35, Australian singer-songwriter (American Idol), blood clot.

In Other News 

Rock band Status Quo have been forced to cancel six concerts on their European tour because of illness affecting guitarist Rick Parfitt. The group had been due to play in Pula, Croatia, where Parfitt, 65, is now in hospital receiving treatment. No details have been given about his condition but the band’s manager, Simon Porter, said Status Quo did not “cancel shows lightly”. “In this instance we have no option but to follow medical advice,” he said. Parfitt had a quadruple heart bypass in 1997 after doctors said he was in danger of dying as a result of his lifestyle. After surgery, Parfitt said he was not planning on becoming a “born-again Christian” and would still have the “odd pint”. Unbelievably, the band have recorded 64 British hit singles since 1968, more than any other band. 

Actor Orlando Bloom allegedly took a swing at the Canadian ‘singer’ Justin Bieber at a restaurant in Ibiza in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Details as to what kicked off the mini-fight are hazy. Some say Bloom refused to shake Bieber’s hand and then tried to land a punch as he walked away. Others, that Bieber provoked Bloom with a comment about sleeping with the Lord of the Rings actor’s ex-wife, the model Miranda Kerr. What happened after, however, is well documented. In a video of the aftermath, Bieber can be heard shouting, “What’s up, bitch?” to his supposed love-rival. Not content with that zinger, he then took to Instagram to post a picture of Miranda Kerr in a bathing suit, followed by another of Bloom crying. As with all the best social media missives, the post of Kerr in her bikini has since been deleted. Nobody comes out of this with their dignity intact. Not weak-punch-cry-baby Legolas, nor baby-baby-baby-instagram-burn Bieber. However my estimation of Bloom has increased sevenfold.  

Not that you would know the chap, but Kevin McGroarty, a longtime veteran of the advertising industry died on July 22nd. He had a certain way with words as his farewell proved as he announced that he’d recently moved into his “new address” at Mount Olivet Cemetery. News of his relocation is among the many gems in McGroarty’s obituary, written by the man himself. About 300 people attended McGroarty’s memorial service Monday, though there’s no mention how many were present for the “brief rant of how the government screwed up all of the Bugs Bunny Cartoons trying to censor violence” which was presented by his attorney.

On This Day

• 1492 – Christopher Columbus sets sail from Palos de la Frontera, Spain.
• 1527 – The first known letter from North America is sent by John Rut while at St. John’s, Newfoundland.
• 1977 – Tandy Corporation announces the TRS-80, one of the world’s first mass-produced personal computers.

Deaths

• 1929 – Emile Berliner, German-American inverter and businessman, invented the phonograph (b. 1851)
• 1966 – Lenny Bruce, American comedian (b. 1925)
• 1983 – Carolyn Jones, American actress and singer, best known for the role of Morticia Addams in the television series The Addams Family (b. 1930)
• 2002 – Carmen Silvera, Canadian-English actress, best known for her starring role in British television programme, ‘Allo ‘Allo! as Edith Artois. (b. 1922)
• 2011 – Bubba Smith, American football player and actor, his best known role was as Moses Hightower in the first six Police Academy movies. (b. 1945)

Struck by Lightning by KoA

It’s a type of death that is apparently so rare it has become a metaphor for extremely bad luck. A lightning strike hit Venice beach in Los Angeles on Sunday afternoon, killing a man in his 20s, leaving another in a critical condition and injuring a dozen more.

According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, it was the 15th death by lightning strike in the US this year. However, it represents a steady decrease year-on-year, possibly due to the fall in the numbers of people working outdoors and improvements in health and safety. In 2006, the overall number for the year was 48 and stood at 35 by this time in July.

Most victims are men, with 223 male deaths compared with 53 female deaths since 2006. Perhaps Thor hates men more than women… Thirteen of the total died on beaches, so you now know where not to be during a storm. 

Almost two-thirds were people enjoying outdoor activities, although the common belief that golfers make up a high number of victims of lightning does not hold up when you look at the figures. Between 2006 and 2013, fishermen accounted for more than three times as many deaths as golfers, which is a shame as golfers deserve death more than fishermen just for wearing stupid clothes in my book.

In the eight years since 2006, the US have  recorded 30 fishing deaths, 16 camping deaths and 14 boating deaths from lightning strikes. Of the sports activities, football saw the highest number of deaths with 12, compared with golf’s eight fatalities. Twelve people were killed working in gardens and 14 people died working on a farm. It’s a shame that the lighting hasn’t taken out a few more Premiership footballers if you ask me…

Summer is the peak time for lightning deaths. More than 70% occurred in June, July and August, with Saturdays and Sundays the most deadly. 

But just because these numbers seem a lot does not mean it is common. NOAA puts the odds of being killed by lightning in any given year at 1 in 1.9m and the odds of being struck in your lifetime at 1 in 12,000. In comparison, the odds for winning the jackpot on the Lotto is 1 in 13,983,816. But you would have the same chance of being born with Downs Syndrome or hitting a hole in one at 1 in 12,000 too. 

The UK has fewer deaths from lightning strikes. According to the tornado and storm research organisation (Torro) database, 30 to 60 people are struck by lightning each year, with an average annual death toll of less than five. Lightning strikes tend to be concentrated in the south-east, Yay! Death to all Londeners! because of the warmer average temperatures. East Anglia is most likely to experience thunderstorms, according to the Met Office, and north-west Scotland the least likely.

So, if you intend to stay alive during the next thunder storm, don’t play go fishing around Norwich this month! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Dean Cain (48), J.K. Rowling (49), Wesley Snipes (52), Lisa Kudrow (51), Laurence Fishburne (53), Arnold Schwarzenegger (67), Paul Anka (73), Wes Craven (75), Kevin Smith (44), Edward Furlong (37), Sam Worthington (38), Jason Monma (35), Sam Mendes (49), Michael Biehn (58), Christopher Nolan (44), Hilary Swank (40),  Jean Reno (66), Richard Linklater (54), Frances de la Tour (70), Carel Struycken (66), Wil Wheaton (42), David Warner (73) and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

Afternoon all, bit of a slow week I’m afraid, but who are we to let that get us down?! So, in a fit of utter malaise I’m going to down a bottle of vino and write a lot of what most of you will describe as piffle. Hey, what’s new I hear you say… Onwards and upwards!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Sir Nick Scheele, 70, British automotive manufacturing executive, President and CEO of Jaguar Cars (1992–1999) and Ford Motor Company (2001–2005).
• Dora Bryan, 91, British film, television and stage actress (A Taste of Honey, Last of the Summer Wine).
• Joseph Wood, 55, American murderer, subject of botched execution, lethal injection.
• Karl Albrecht, 94, German billionaire grocery executive, co-founder of Aldi.

In Other News

In a terrible twist of fate, a pine tree planted in Los Angeles to commemorate the late-Beatles star George Harrison has died – after being consumed by beetles. Planted as a sapling in 2004 near the Griffith Observatory, the tree stood 10-feet high but died recently as a result of an insect infestation by bark beetles and ladybugs. The George Harrison Tree was chosen as an appropriate memorial for the Beatle, who died of lung cancer in L.A. in 2001 at the age of 58, because of his love of plants, gardening and nature. L.A. councilman Tom LaBonge, who represents the area, said that the tree would be replanted. He said Harrison, who had a well-developed sense of humour, “likely would have been amused by the irony”. I reckon Paul McCartney should be worried too, he looks like a piece of treen nowadays.

Good old Michael Schumacher is able to  communicate with his family by moving his eyelids, and could return home by the end of the month according to reports. In what can only be called a remarkable turnaround for the Formula 1 champion, doctors believe that he’ll be able to sit upright in an advanced wheelchair which he can control via his mouth within weeks! I bet he’s thrilled by the prospect. Someone do the guy a favour and smother him with a pillow, I know I’d prefer it, plus we’d score a few points!

Double Olympic gold medallist Mo Farah has withdrawn from the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow after failing to recover from a recent illness. The 31 year old was set to run both the 5k and 10k in Scotland but couldn’t be fucked it seems. I know how he feels, sometimes I find it too hard to get up from the couch to fetch another packet of hobnobs and a cup of tea, let alone run in a big circle for hours for no apparent reason. The Team England athlete said it was a “tough decision”, adding: “The sickness I had two weeks ago was a big setback.” Not once actually saying what the illness was, probably had a spicy kebab I expect.

The continuing saga of the missing Kasem is still ongoing. As reported in a newsflash in last week’s newsletter, our US super sleuth is now hot on the trail of Casey Kasem’s missing corpse. It seems that his remains were taken from a funeral home in Tacoma by his widow, so his distraught kids have no idea where the rotting clump of meaty flesh and bone is now residing. Asked why Casey’s widow, Jean Kasem, might be hiding his father’s corpse from his children, Mike Kasem said that she’s “demonstrated what we have known for 30 years: She’s bat-shit crazy.” It is thought that the blob that used to be one of America’s most famous DJ’s and the voice of many of our favourite cartoon characters is somewhere in Canada.

On This Day

• 1694 – A Royal charter is granted to the Bank of England.
• 1865 – Welsh settlers arrive at Chubut in Argentina.
• 1866 – The first permanent transatlantic telegraph cable is successfully completed, stretching from Valentia Island, Ireland, to Heart’s Content, Newfoundland.
• 1890 – Vincent van Gogh shoots himself and dies two days later.
• 1921 – Researchers at the University of Toronto led by biochemist Frederick Banting prove that the hormone insulin regulates blood sugar.
• 1929 – The Geneva Convention of 1929, dealing with treatment of prisoners-of-war, is signed by 53 nations.
• 1940 – The animated short A Wild Hare is released, introducing the character of Bugs Bunny.
• 1949 – Initial flight of the de Havilland Comet, the first jet-powered airliner.
• 1981 – On Coronation Street, Ken Barlow marries Deirdre Langton, which proves to be a national event scoring massive viewer numbers for the show.
• 1987 – RMS Titanic Inc. begins the first expedited salvage of wreckage of the RMS Titanic.
• 2002 – Ukraine airshow disaster: A Sukhoi Su-27 fighter crashes during an air show at Lviv, Ukraine killing 85 and injuring more than 100 others, the largest air show disaster in history.

Deaths

• 1981 – William Wyler, French-American director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1902)
• 1984 – James Mason, English actor, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1909)
• 2003 – Bob Hope, English-American actor, singer, and producer (b. 1903)
• 2012 – Tony Martin, American actor and singer (b. 1913)

The Biggest Threats to Human Existence: Part 1 by KoA

1.Nuclear War 

While only two nuclear weapons have been used in war so far – at Hiroshima and Nagasaki during the Second World War – and nuclear stockpiles are down from their the peak they reached in the cold war, it is a mistake to think that nuclear war is impossible. In fact, it’s probably a massive option at the moment since the downing of Flight 17 over the Ukraine.

The Cuban missile crisis was very close to turning nuclear. If we assume one such event every 69 years and a one in three chance that it might go all the way to being nuclear war, the chance of such a catastrophe increases to about one in 200 per year.

Worse still, the Cuban missile crisis was only the most well-known case. The history of Soviet-US nuclear deterrence is full of close calls and dangerous mistakes. The actual probability has changed depending on international tensions, but it seems implausible that the chances would be much lower than one in 1,000 per year, which is the same probability of you missing your mouth whilst trying to drink wine and type something at the same time. 

A full-scale nuclear war between major powers would kill hundreds of millions of people directly or through the near aftermath – an unimaginable disaster. But that is not enough to make it an existential risk.

Similarly the hazards of fallout are often exaggerated – potentially deadly locally, but globally a relatively limited problem. Cobalt bombs were proposed as a hypothetical doomsday weapon that would kill everybody with fallout, but are in practice hard and expensive to build and they are physically just barely possible, so why go to the extra trouble when an old dirty bomb will do?

The real threat is nuclear winter – that is, soot lofted into the stratosphere causing a multi-year cooling and drying of the world. Modern climate simulations show that it could prevent any agriculture across much of the world for years. If this  scenario occurs billions would starve, leaving only scattered survivors that might be picked off by other threats such as disease. The main uncertainty is how the soot would behave: depending on the kind of soot the outcomes may be very different, and we currently have no good ways of estimating this.

So it seems that the Planet of the Apes scenario is still very possible! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Robin Williams (63), Willem Dafoe (59), Danny Glover (68), Summer Glau (33), Anna Paquin (32), Jennifer Lopez (45), Monica Lewinsky (41), Daniel Radcliff (25),  Matt LeBlanc (48), Mick Jagger (71), Helen Mirren (69), Kevin Spacey (55), Sandra Bullock (50), Kate Beckinsale (41), Jason Statham (47), Lynda Carter (63), Danny Dyer (37), Woody Harrelson (53), Charisma Carpenter (44), Ronny Cox (76), Slash (49), Terrence Stamp (76), Rhys Ifans (47), Louise Fletcher (80), Stephan Mangan (42), Paloma Faith (33), Ross Kemp (50) and Diana Rigg (76).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!