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Dead Pool 20th January 2019

We’re off to a flying start this year with the second batch of points to award. Both Dave and Paul C had Masazo Nonaka as a Cert, so they both get 137 points!! Good work gentlemen, it certainly looks like the supercentenarian’s are paying off very well this month. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

 In Other News

Norfolk Police say they have spoken to the Duke of Edinburgh after he was pictured driving without a seat belt, 48 hours after he failed his Bird Box Challenge near Sandringham in Norfolk. A spokeswoman said “suitable words of advice have been given to the driver”. Meanwhile, Emma Fairweather, who broke her wrist in the crash, said the duke has not even apologised; not realising the Queen could have her hung drawn and quartered for treasonously trying to kill her husband. The crash on the A149, in which Prince Philip’s Land Rover Freelander landed on its side after a collision with a Kia, happened on Thursday. Two days later, pictures in the media appeared to show the duke, 97, driving alone on a road near the entrance to the Sandringham estate in a replacement Freelander, without a seat belt. Let’s see if he dies within the next few weeks of shock, I’m sure Diana would appreciate the karma. 

Ten months after his arrest for drink driving, a once drug addled Ant McPartlin has joined TV partner Declan Donnelly at the auditions for ITV’s Britain’s Got Talent. They posted a picture of themselves on their first day working together for almost a year. It seemed to be a selfie taken in a car en route to the London Palladium, where the pair are hosting auditions for the new series, luckily Ant wasn’t driving. “Audition day 1. The boys are back in town!” read the accompanying message. It is Ant McPartlin’s first day on the job since his arrest and conviction for drink driving last spring, after which he took time off to go to rehab. If you remember, Ant, 43, was involved in a three-car collision in south-west London on 18th March last year.  

A zookeeper was killed in the alligator enclosure of the Naples Zoo, while he was attempting to sexually assault a 12-foot long reptile. According to Captain Henri White, spokesman of the Naples Police Department, 24-year old Jimmy Olsen was engaged in full sexual intercourse with one of the younger reptiles, when he was surprised by one of the larger animals which attacked from behind. The young man was caught by the throat by the alligator who dragged him underwater and drowned him. Jimmy Olsen’s death took place around 6:00 AM in the morning, but his disappearance was only noticed hours later by other employees. They finally discovered his dismembered body floating in the pool of the alligator enclosure around 8:30am. “The images captured by the security cameras show that Mr. Olsen had clearly placed himself in a very vulnerable position,” Captain White told reporters. “He had his pants around his knees and was lying down on top of one the animals, with his back to the others. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance! We can see him being dragged into the water, then he disappears from sight. He was probably dead within thirty seconds of the attack.”  Jimmy Olsen had been working with the reptiles at Naples Zoo for the last two years, and was considered a reptile specialist. He was killed, by a 24-foot long male alligator named Brutus while he was engaged in sexual intercourse with one of the smaller specimens. Apparently this isn’t unusual for zoo keepers, but Olsen is the first zoo worker to die while having sexual intercourse with an animal. In 2002, three employees of the Columbus zoo were condemned after it was revealed that the zookeepers allowed people into the zoo after business hours for the purpose of fornicating with the animals in exchange for money.

On This Day

  • 1265 – The first English parliament to include not only Lords but also representatives of the major towns holds its first meeting in the Palace of Westminster, now commonly known as the “Houses of Parliament”. This meeting of twats hasn’t changed since.  
  • 1936 – King George V of the United Kingdom dies. His eldest son succeeds to the throne, becoming Edward VIII. The title Prince of Wales is not used for another 22 years.  
  • 1992 – Air Inter Flight 148, an Airbus A320-111, crashes into a mountain near Strasbourg, France killing 87 of the 96 people on board.

Deaths

Last Week’s Birthdays

Dave Bautista (50), Kevin Costner (64), Mark Rylance (59), Jason Segel (39), Jane Horrocks (55), Jim Carrey (57), Zooey Deschanel (39), Betty White (97), James Earl Jones (88), Kelly Marie Tran (30), Michelle Obama (55), John Carpenter (71), Kate Moss (45), Sade (60), James May (56), James Nesbitt (54), Claudia Winkleman (47), DJ Jazzy Jeff (54), Jason Bateman (50), Faye Dunaway (78), Carl Weathers (71), Dave Grohl (50), Ruth Wilson (37), Liam Hemsworth (29), Michael Peña (43), Orlando Bloom (42), Bill Bailey (54), and William B. Davis (81).

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