Dead Pool 19th October 2014

Welcome minions! Yet another week flies by, yet more  pointless deaths. As per usual, we have a few pieces of news and for this week only, a job offer you cannot refuse! Without further ado:

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Alain Siritzky, 72, French film producer (Emmanuelle film series).
• Bob Orrison, 86, American stunt performer (Stargate, Road House, Speed), traffic collision.
• Gary McLarty, 73, American stunt performer (The Terminator, Jurassic Park, Beverly Hills Cop), traffic collision.
• Graham Miles, 73, English snooker player.
• Mark Bell, 43, British musician and house music producer (LFO), complications from surgery.
• Isaiah “Ikey” Owens, 38, American keyboardist, heart attack.
• Elizabeth Peña, 55, American actress (The Incredibles, Rush Hour, Jacob’s Ladder).
• Sumi Haru, 75, American actress (MASH).
• John Spencer-Churchill, 11th Duke of Marlborough, 88, British peer, custodian of Blenheim Palace.

In Other News

Muhammad Ali was known as the “Louisville Lip”, thanks to his sharp patter and devastating wit which skewered his opponents both in and out of the ring. These days the boxing legend is so stricken by the ravages of Parkinson’s disease that he can hardly speak, his brother has announced. He did not attend the Holly­wood premier of a new film about his life, I Am Ali, last week and was unable to take part in any filming although he is said to have given the project his support. Rahman Ali said that the boxer, who lives in Arizona with his wife, Lonnie, had become increasingly frail in the past year and was now largely housebound. In January, his son, Ali Jr, said he considered there was “no chance” of his father living another year.

Country musics legendary rhinestone cowboy, Glen Campbell, is taking his last bow this autumn. The 78-year-old, who was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease in  2011, said farewell to fans on a Goodbye Tour in 2012, but this week marked the official sunset of Campbells professional music career with the release of his final single, a heartbreaking ballad called I’m Not Gonna Miss You. Very much in the vein of Johnny Cash’s last single, whom died very soon after the release of his last single, a cover of Nine Inch Nails’ Hurt, we rather hope Campbell makes it to January!

The president of Brazil was forced to sit down and be revived live on television after a challenging 90-minute debate with her rival for the presidency. Dilma Rousseff, 66, who is running for re-election in a vote to be held on October 26th, battled her way through a demanding debate with Aecio Neves. After the discussion had ended, she was interviewed by Brazil’s SBT television, but was evidently feeling unwell. She was ushered to a chair by the presenter, who continued to talk to the live television audience, telling them: “The president is feeling ill.” Apparently she was suffering from low blood pressure, we’re thinking it’s more serious!

After more than six weeks of global speculation, the people of North Korea can at last relax: their beloved leader has finally been seen in public once more. State media reported early on Tuesday local time that Kim Jong-un visited a newly built residential district and the Natural Energy Institute of the State Academy of Sciences. Kim was pictured walking with the aid of a black cane – lending weight to the theory that he has been receiving treatment for a leg injury or illness that has affected his ability to walk unaided.

And finally, a woman was horrified to receive a text message from her grandmother’s phone number – three years after her death. When Lesley Emerson died in 2011 some of her favourite things were buried with her, including her mobile phone. Sheri Emerson, of South Shields, said she found comfort in texting her but was stunned to get a reply, saying: “I’m watching over you.”

It emerged her grandmother’s number had been given to another user who replied, thinking friends were playing pranks. Ms Emerson said that following her grandmother’s death, rather than visit her grave at Harton Cemetery in South Shields, she would text small, personal messages as a “way of being close to her”. However, she was “upset and distressed” to receive a reply saying: “I’m watching over you and it’s all going to get better. Just push through.” When a family member rang the number the man who answered explained he had recently acquired the number and thought the text messages from Ms Emerson had been from prankster friends. O2 said numbers disconnected and not reconnected within a short period of time were placed in a general pool for reassignment. Oh my life!

On This Day

• 1216 – King John of England dies at Newark-on-Trent and is succeeded by his nine-year-old son Henry.
• 1900 – Max Planck, in his house at Grunewald, on the outskirts of Berlin, discovers the law of black-body radiation (Planck’s law).
• 1943 – Streptomycin, the first antibiotic remedy for tuberculosis, is isolated by researchers at Rutgers University.
• 1960 – Cold War: The United States government imposes a near-total trade embargo against Cuba, which remains in effect today.
• 1988 – The British government imposes a broadcasting ban on television and radio interviews with members of Sinn Féin and eleven Irish republican and Ulster loyalist paramilitary groups.

Deaths

• 1216 – John, King of England (b. 1167)
• 1745 – Jonathan Swift, Irish priest and poet (b. 1667)
• 1937 – Ernest Rutherford, New Zealand-English physicist and chemist, Nobel Prize laureate (b. 1871)
• 1994 – Martha Raye, American actress and singer (b. 1916)
• 2010 – Tom Bosley, American actor and singer (b. 1927)

Get Your Arse to Mars! by KoA

You may or may not have heard of there Mars One mission. As the title suggests, it’s a mission to get man on mars within our lifetime. However, there’s one little snag, it’s a one way trip and researchers at MIT say that the settlers, if they even manage to reach Mars, will only live for a couple of months at most.

The Dutch non-profit foundation that’s behind the Mars One mission say that they already have the technology to achieve this and they can launch a preliminary expedition in 2018, which will be sending toilet-like cubicles to provide food and facilities for the group of stupid humans that make the journey.

The first four settlers will take off in 2024 and land in 2025 after a seven month journey, they will presumably eat whatever food was sent, then starve to death.

Who would make such a journey? Well, 200,000 people have applied, 1,058 have made it through to round two. They are a bunch of healthy adults from around the world and eventually the final six groups of four will be chosen by an international reality TV contest, yes, you will finally be  able to vote for someone to die with barely a whim and a few terms & conditions.

I suppose there is a certain glory involved, your name will go down in history as the first group of people to reach Mars, you will also be known as the first group of people to have died on Mars, or maybe the only one left on Mars after eating your shipmates.

If you hate humanity as much as these 200,000 people, you could have signed up, unfortunately they are not taking any more names, so you will just have to kill yourself instead.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Zac Efron (27), Marie Osmond (55), Hugh Jackman (46), Angela Lansbury (89), Paul Simon (73), Roger Moore (87), Tim Robbins (56), Sarah Ferguson (55), Eminem (42), Suzanne Somers (68), Flea (52), Chuck Berry (88), Sacha Baron Cohen (43), Pam Dawber (63), Michael McKean (67), George Wendt (66), Martina Navratilova (58), Jean-Claude Van Damme (54), Wyclef Jean (45), Steve Coogan (49), Margot Kidder (66), Matt Damon (44) and Luke Perry (48).

2014 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!