Dead Pool 7th July 2019

After three earthquakes in California, you’d have expected a few celebrities on today’s list, however, the best we can muster is John McCririck and Vinny Jones’ wife. Luckily to fill the gap we have a guest post from Neil G. plus we have to award some points to Paul C. 71 well earned points for the aforementioned John McCririck!  

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Glyn Houston, 93, Welsh actor (Doctor Who).
• Mr. Two Bits, 97, American cheerleader (University of Florida).
• Christopher Booker, 81, British journalist (The Sunday Telegraph, Private Eye).
• John McCririck, 79, British horse racing journalist. 
• Cameron Boyce, 20, American actor (Jessie, Gamer’s Guide to Pretty Much Everything, Descendants), seizure.

In Other News

Stevie Wonder will have a kidney transplant later this year, he has announced. The singer told the crowd about his medical condition as he finished his set at British Summer Time Hyde Park. He said he had found a donor and would perform three more shows before the operation in September, saying: “I’m all good, I’m all good.” Fans greeted the news with a loud, supportive cheer, applauding the 69-year-old singer as he left the stage. He had just finished playing the song Superstition when he told the crowd he wanted to prevent “rumours” spreading about his health. “I’m all good, I’m all good, all good, I have a donor and it’s all good,” he said. “I want you to know, I came here to give you my love and thank you for your love. I love you and God bless you.”     

BBC newsreader Kate Williams has revealed she has a rare form of cancer. Williams, who works for BBC Radio 5 Live, said she was diagnosed with cystic peritoneal mesothelioma in 2017. Following surgery later that year, she said her first annual scan showed no evidence of disease, although there was a chance of reoccurrence. She was only aware of three others in the UK who have the cancer, which affects the abdominal cavity. Williams, who is married with two children, said: “If you look at the medical literature, they often quote 153 cases in the world. “And in the UK I know of three other people, mainly through a Facebook group that I joined. “If you look at mesothelioma it’s not a nice one to look at. It’s very aggressive, malignant, quite often caused by asbestos.” Having a rare disease was “really lonely”, she said. “It’s also quite traumatic because every time [I see a new doctor] I have to explain it,” she added. Describing her course of surgery, she said: “It’s called MOAS – mother of all surgeries. “They took out the cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, greater omentum, lesser omentum, pelvic peritoneum, another bit of my peritoneum.” She added: “I keep saying I’m lucky or it wasn’t too bad – my surgery was only about six hours. Williams said she still had problems with her bowels and stomach as well as weak bones following the surgery and will continue to have annual scans for the foreseeable future – although her first scan in November showed no evidence of disease.  

A ‘relieved’ Chris Froome says he will be following the Tour de France from bed after returning home to start his recovery from the crash which left him seriously injured. Froome, 34, broke his neck, femur, elbow, hip and ribs in the accident on 12th June. “It’s a huge disappointment not to be at the Tour but I’m relieved to finally be out of hospital and home,” he said. Froome hit a wall at 54km/h when he took a hand off his handlebars to blow his nose during a practice ride before stage four of the Criterium du Dauphine in Roanne, France. He would have been chasing a record-equalling fifth victory in the Tour, which starts in Brussels on Saturday. 

On This Day

• 1928 – Sliced bread is sold for the first time (on the inventor’s 48th birthday) by the Chillicothe Baking Company of Chillicothe, Missouri.
• 1954 – Elvis Presley makes his radio debut when WHBQ Memphis played his first recording for Sun Records, “That’s All Right”.
• 1992 – The New York Court of Appeals rules that women have the same right as men to go topless in public.
• 2005 – A series of four explosions occurs on London’s transport system, killing 56 people, including four suicide bombers, and injuring over 700 others.

Deaths

• 1307 – Edward I, king of England (b. 1239)
• 1930 – Arthur Conan Doyle, British writer (b. 1859)
• 1973 – Veronica Lake, American actress (b. 1922)

Tales From The Darkside by Neil G.

A cheesy title for the following ramblings, I know – but what else would you call an article for the masterpiece of macabre that is “The Dead Pool”?

I could hardly have called it “The Wistful Musings from the Meadow of My Memories – A List of Those Whom I Wish Dead”.

To be fair though I do think about death a lot, particularly on or around December the 31^st when I realise I’ve done no actual research into my Dead Pool list for the following year and it’s due in just a few hours.

I often ponder how I might die, in fact just the other day my father imparted to me recently what I would be receiving as my inheritance, “High cholesterol, dodgy prostate and a stamp collection”. Which of that trio might get me first is anyone’s guess but at this point the stamp collection is the clear favourite.

I mean I’m not actually sure how things could be worse at my coronial hearing:

Dr. – He was found dead surrounded by first editions of the Postal Service Commemorative 1^st class stamp depicting the Margret Thatcher years, the excitement caused a peak to his blood pressure that his weak heart just couldn’t take.

Coroner –  And his prostate?

Dr. – I beg your pardon?

Coroner – His prostate, man. Did it in some way contribute to his untimely death?

Dr. – Um, no your honour. By the normal method of examination it was perfectly fine…

The normal manner of investigation, I shudder, we men folk – such delicate flowers. A one-off finger (lubed) up the clacker as opposed to a lifetime, post-adolescence, of constant examination of the holiest of holies. A poem about prostate examination…

Oh no, oh no the indignity,

For the fingerer and the fingeree.

Right. Back on track and more about death. Who else has a steaming turd of a pointless list this year?

Seriously, I’m considering leaking to the Hollywood elite the miraculous life extending power of my list, those who at a five to midnight on December the 31^st are predicted by the honest news available online to soon be ex-celebrities. Imagine the money on offer to be included in my list of the lucky, guaranteed to grant you an extension of at least five years, nay, if not a complete cure even.

Oh no, not next year, oh no. For my planning has begun in earnest already…

As such I will now retreat to some wistful musings from the meadows of my memories to come up with some names. And if by chance you find yourself wandering by some beautiful field full of long grasses and wildflowers, butterflies silhouetted against the setting sun as the beautiful song of the nightingale sounds out into the void, listen closely you may hear a list being repeated in a manner not dissimilar to that of the diminutive murderess of millions Arya Stark, “Donald Trump, Borris Johnson, Jeremy Hunt, Benjamin Netanyahu, Simon Cowell…” 

Well you know, you will have stumbled upon the meadow of my memory, take a look around… It’s entirely at your own risk.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Sylvester Stallone (73), Eva Green (39), Kevin Hart (40), Ned Beatty (82), Geoffrey Rush (68), Jennifer Saunders (61), 50 Cent (44), Burt Ward (74), Huey Lewis (69), Neil Morrissey (57), Ronni Ancona (51), Tom Cruise (57), Patrick Wilson (46), Kurtwood Smith (76), Yeardley Smith (55), Margot Robbie (29), Lindsay Lohan (33), Larry David (72), Jerry Hall (63), Pamela Anderson (52), Liv Tyler (42), Dan Aykroyd (67), Jean Marsh (85), Debbie Harry (74), David Prowse (84), Vincent D’Onofrio (60), Mike Tyson (53), Katherine Ryan (36), and Cheryl (36).