Archive for May, 2014

Dead Pool 25th May 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome all to a slightly  later than normal Dead Pool round-up, sorry about that but I was busy enjoying myself, you know how it is. But what have we here? Yes, points to be awarded!! Looks like Luke has scored with the death of Wojciech Jaruzelski! Nice one! A spiffing 60 points to your scoreline sir! Which brings your total score up to, er.. 60! Well done that man! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

1961754625-ali-carter-Snooker-player-Ali-Carter-diagnosed-with-cancer-Two-time World Snooker Championship runner-up Ali Carter has been diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. World Snooker announced on Saturday that the 34-year-old from Chelmsford will undergo an intensive course of chemotherapy. The world number 13, who has Crohn’s disease, last year recovered from testicular cancer to resume his career, talk about a spate of bad luck! Carter had been due to play on Saturday in Gloucester, in the qualifying stages of the Wuxi Classic, but pulled out, sadly I think we need to keep an eye on him for next year!  

tumblr_lihabr3km61qgi0k5o1_500Paul McCartney has been treated in hospital after falling ill in Japan but the former Beatle is expected to “make a complete recovery” from the viral infection he’s caught. He had already cancelled several Asian tour dates but has since expanded the run of cancellations. McCartney, 71, has been sick for about a week, reporting his first symptoms not long after arriving in Japan on 15th May. Sankei Sports, a local newspaper, reported that the singer had been vomiting and suffering from diarrhoea. Sounds like he’s got a serious bout of the Delhi Belly, better keep drinking lots Paul, make sure that soggy bottom doesn’t dry up! 

_75011892_57fec30e-d104-4fbb-9272-9aec0aa96d39The Duke of Edinburgh has had a “minor procedure” carried out on his right hand, Buckingham Palace has announced. A spokeswoman said on Wednesday that the Duke, 92, was continuing his engagements as planned, but the Royal stalwart still arrived at a garden party at the palace with the hand bandaged! No details as to what the procedure was, but one expects it was hurt from punching one of his servants.  

_75072250_75072104The oldest living American, one of the few living people born in the 19th Century, has marked her 115th birthday. Jeralean Talley was born on 23rd May 1899 and is the world’s second-oldest person, according to a list maintained by the Gerontology Research Group. The oldest is Misao Okawa in Japan, who is 116. Asked how she has lived so long, Ms Talley told the Detroit Free Press: “It’s all in the good Lord’s hands. There’s nothing I can do about it.” She plans to celebrate with family and friends at a local church in Michigan on Sunday.

On This Day

Deaths

A Wonderful Comeuppance by KoA

China Financial Crisis ArtFor the first time in 35 years, the San Isidro Festival, which opens the bullfighting season in Spain, had to be suspended because all the matadors had been injured. 

In what could be seen as divine providence, two Half-tonne fighting bulls gored or trampled all three matadors in an extraordinary upset at Madrid’s prestigious Las Ventas bullring, forcing the spectacle to be cancelled. The first bull on the programme, a black, 532kg animal named Deslio, knocked Mora over during a pass as his yellow and pink cape swirled in the wind. 

e7e4f9e56491430f89f201c9a14bfd47-e7e4f9e56491430f89f201c9a14bfd47-2Mora fell to the sand beneath his cloak, but the bull immediately turned on him, head down, ramming its horn deep into his leg and tossing him over repeatedly.

“The somersault was horrific, shocking, chilling, impossible for the human eye to witness yet evident to the mind,” wrote Antonio Lorca, bullfighting correspondent for the El País newspaper.

Mora suffered a 30cm gash in the thigh and another wound in the armpit, a medical report from the bullring said.

The venue’s surgeon, Maximo Garcia Padros, reportedly said Mora had needed a blood transfusion during a two-hour operation.

“The goring in the femoral vein placed his life in danger. If you don’t act it empties like an open tap, but that’s why we are here,” he said.

The second matador, Antonio Nazare, appeared  before the shocked audience to finish off the animal with his sword.

493193-matador-espagnol-antonio-nazare-frappeNazare then faced his own opponent, however, a 537kg brown bull named Feten. The animal dragged the matador along the sand, injuring his knee and forcing him to seek treatment at the bullring’s hospital, the medical report showed.

The third matador, Saúl Jiménez Fortes, entered the ring to fight the same bull. The animal skewered him in the right leg and the pelvis, leaving three 10cm-deep injuries, the bullring doctor said. Sadly, Fortes managed to kill the beast before he, too, sought medical treatment.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Grace Jones (66), Pete Townshend (69), Busta Rhymes 942), Cher (68), Joe Cocker (70), Gotye (34), Judge Reinhold 957), Mr T (62), Leo Sayer (66), Naomi Campbell (44), Morrissey (55), Marvin Hagler (60), Joan Collins (81), John C Reilly (49), Priscilla Presley (69), Gary Burghoff (71), Bob Dylan (73), Tommy Chong (76), Anne Heche (45), Mike Myers (51), Ian McKellen (75), Helena Bonham Carter (48), Zola Budd (48), Lenny Kravitz (50), Pam Grier (65) and Stevie Nicks (66).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!

26th May 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 18th May 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome all, what a strange week! Robert Burns died, no, not  that one, but the   Canadian politician. Also Tom Jones passed, no, not that one, the WWII Navajo soldier and coder, and last but not least, Charlie Brown died, no, not that one, the basketball player, so you can imagine my confusion!

We also said goodbye to Stephen Sutton, a truly inspiring character, whom to date has risen nearly £4 million for cancer charities, if only we all could be so altruistic in our own demises.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

heinz-beans-with-pork-sausagesAnyone else found that the tomato sauce in their Heinz Baked Beans has a slight tang in them recently? Well it might be down to Alec Brackenbury, 49, who had his hand chopped off whilst servicing a peeling machine at their factory. I’d assume that the spurting stump would add plenty of its own sauce to their recipe, but please look out if you prefer the Beans with Sausage variety. Nom nom…

2013-04-24_entertainment_news_12_1Award-winning TV writer and comedian Caroline Aherne is recovering from treatment for lung cancer. Aherne, 50, had eye cancer when she was a child and also revealed that she had been treated for bladder cancer in the past. The poor woman has a very troubled past, a suspected suicide bid in 1998 brought into sharp focus the problems she was having. Following a drug overdose, Aherne admitted she was an alcoholic and had not been aware of what she was doing to herself. A true candidate for the Dead Pool if I ever saw one!

Richard-and-Judy-310x310TV personalities Judy Finnigan and husband Richard Madeley have said they have agreed to an assisted death pact should one of them fall seriously ill. Madeley said: “If Judy was really ill and in logical mind…”I wouldn’t give a tuppenny if there was a risk of being prosecuted. I’d do what was right for my wife.” Finnigan added: “And I’d do the same. Stuff it all! We’ve made ourselves give each other a pledge along those lines.” Madeley continued: “If, when the time came… Judy said to me, ‘But what about you? What about the risk of prosecution?’, I’d say, ‘That’s my problem, I’ll deal with that, don’t worry about it.’ And for me, it would be the locked room, the bottle of whisky and the revolver. I wouldn’t want to mess around.” We are all wondering why both of you are waiting for illness, just do it!!

article-0-1DC526A500000578-51_634x574Australian actor Hugh Jackman has had a second cancerous skin growth removed from his nose. The 45-year-old attended the premiere of his latest film, X-Men: Days of Future Past, sporting a bandage on his face in New York on Saturday. The star told reporters he learned the results of a biopsy diagnosing the basal cell carcinoma on Thursday, and had it removed immediately.

lee-kun-heeYou know how we all know who Steve Jobs was, do any of you know who the head of Samsung is? No? Nor did I, but he is in a “stable condition” after undergoing emergency heart surgery. Lee Kun-hee underwent the operation after suffering breathing difficulties late on Saturday night. Mr Lee took over as chairman of South Korea’s biggest business in 1987 after his father’s death. He is credited with turning the company into an international force in the technology market. He has previously undergone lung surgery in the 1990s and has reportedly suffered respiratory problems since then. They guy is worth £6 billion and his son and two daughters have senior positions at Samsung and it is thought that his son, Jay Lee, currently vice-chairman, will eventually succeed him. Who knew eh?

1399664696888And finally, the Pentagon isn’t letting a little thing like zombies not existing get in the way of their emergency preparedness. The US military has cooked up a plan that would come in handy if the dead happened to rise from their graves to attack the living. “This plan was not actually designed as a joke,” reads a disclaimer in  the recently declassified 264216-369d7988-dbaf-11e3-8693-526588c1a688CONOP 8888, the “Counter-Zombie Dominance” plan devised by US Strategic Command planners in Omaha, Nebraska. But it’s not entirely serious, either. The plan was designed as a training tool for military personnel who would be tasked with assessing threats and protecting civilians in any sort of attack. The military doesn’t actually believe that zombies are a legitimate threat—just that they’re a useful training tool. Yeah, everything has a reason, we all know they have developed a virus that changes us into zombies, they just need to control us!

On This Day

Deaths

Horrible Ways to Die #7 – Broken on a Wheel by Dexychik

17-medieval-tortureYou’ve probably heard of a Catherine wheel firework. They’re named after the legend of the martyrdom of St Catherine of Alexandria, who was to be broken on a wheel. When the wheel touched her, it broke from miraculous force, so she was beheaded instead. Apparently, she then bled milk.

The first recorded use of the wheel was in Roman times, and they used it to kill slaves and martyrs. A man was laid underneath an iron wheel, which was then smashed into him with a weight. They also practised a form in which the victim was tied to a spiked wheel and then run over more spikes.

Being broken on the wheel was a medieval method of torture and execution across Europe although it was also used as a way to defile the dead well into the 18th century. It was never popular in England, though Scotland used it several times. In Germany, it remained on the statute books until the 19th century.

It had various applications. In its crudest form, the victim was simply run over by the wheel, attached to a cart or similar. The more awful version saw the victim stretched across the wagon wheel (which would be considerably larger than modern ones) and then spun, with their limbs broken in the gaps with a lead weight as they spun past. Some people were broken starting with the neck, which killed them quickly. Others were killed starting at the feet and working upwards- a  slow and painful death.

Darstellung des Räderns in einem Holzstich von 1586One of the most revolting uses of the wheel, recorded in Zurich, involved breaking a person’s bones and spine against the wheel as a brace, then threading the useless limbs around the spokes of it, which was then erected on a pole. The still-living victim was then left to die of shock and exposure.

Frequently, people sentenced to die in this manner were mercy-killed either by strangulation before beginning, or being killed by a direct blow to the chest at some point. However, those who suffered the full extent took a long time to die. The more serious the crime, the longer the victim was left on the wheel before being strangled or finished off. It was a very popular spectacle.

Bleurgh! Next time, would you like burned alive or the electric chair? You decide!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Stephen Colbert (50), Stevie Wonder (64), Tony Hawk (46), Stephen Baldwin (48), Emilio Estevez (52), Robert Pattinson (28), George Lucas (70), Tim Roth (53), Pierce Brosnan (61), Janet Jackson (48), Megan Fox (28), Bill Paxton (59), Enya (53), Trent Reznor (49), Jordan Knight (44), Steve Winwood (66), Burt Bacharach (86), Harvey Keitel (75), Brian Eno (66), Mark Zuckerburg (30), Sofia Coppola (43), Robert Zemeckis (62), Tori Spelling (41), Gabriella Sabatini (44), David Boreanaz (45), Olga Korbut (59), Debra Winger (59), Sugar Ray Leonard (58), Tina Fey (44) and Chow Yun-Fat (59).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!

18th May 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 11th May 2014

Dead Pool Background

Fuck me! Harry Potter died, for real! Click the link below to find out out who and what. So, another pointless week, I must say this year is a very slow one and my amazing talent for filling dead news is being stretched to the extreme! But I’m not one to be put off with the lack of celebrity deaths, I find fun and amazement with the various illnesses that this week’s other news brings. Hallelujia!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

osullivanRonnie O’Sullivan escaped unscathed from a car crash as he travelled home from defeat in the world championship final. The five-times world champion and his six-year-old son, Ronnie Jr, (naming your own son after you, so chic) were travelling in a two-seater Audi R8 sports car (posh) when it spun out of control on the M1 near Leicester at around 1.30am (not so posh). Neither suffered serious injuries but they were understood to have been left “shaken like a Bond Martini” after pulling themselves out of the wreckage. It came just hours after the overconfident 38-year-old lost the world final to Mark Selby (woo!) by 18 frames to 14 at the Crucible theatre in Sheffield.

Miley-CyrusMiley Cyrus has denied reports that her recent stay in hospital was caused by drugs. “I didn’t have a drugs overdose. I took some antibiotics that a doctor gave me for a sinus infection,” she said. She spent two weeks in hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to the medication… (yeah) “I’ve been laying in a hospital bed connected to IVs. I’m on a bunch of good vitamins and doing lots of yoga trying to get myself back together.” She previously cancelled shows in Amsterdam and Antwerp as a result of her ‘illness’. “My immune system was already low because I had a death in my family and was already down. “What doesn’t make it better is that people were online saying I’d done it with drugs but it’s all good. I’m okay and I’m here,” the singer added. Cyrus, who rose to fame as Disney’s Hannah Montana, said being bed ridden had been the “most miserable” two weeks of her life. Wait ‘til you’re 23 years old my dear…

Queen-Elizabeth-II-007Her aides have always insisted she is not slowing down, but The Queen made an unexpected change to a major public appearance the other day after deciding a steep flight of steps would be too much for her. Her Majesty had been due to take part in an ancient installation ceremony for knights of the Order of the Bath at Westminster Abbey, an event she only attends every eight years. Dressed in a cumbersome robe with a train, worn over an evening dress, the Queen, 88, would’ve needed to descend a short flight of steps to approach the altar in the Abbey, then make her way back up the steps to her throne. But after a dress rehearsal on Thursday, which the old hag didn’t attend, aides decided the monarch should not go ahead with that part of the ceremony. The Prince of Wales will deputise for her instead. Lets hope the big nosed cunt trips down the stairs. 

UnknownFrom Sheezus to ‘queazus’, Lily Allen has been undergoing tests after being taken to hospital with a mystery illness, possibly due to a bout of food poisoning. The illness comes as the singer’s new album flies high on the charts, fuck knows why… A spokesperson for the singer would not comment on whether Allen would cancel forthcoming appearances, which is a great shame, as I for one would love to miss each one. Lily Allen’s latest single, ‘Our Time’, is currently at No 43. Well done her!

miner-460x307And finally, a group of coal miners from the western province of Xinjiang, had an unbelievable surprise when the gallery they were excavating opened up on a section of an old mine that was abandoned 17 years ago after an earthquake that caused some large sections of the tunnels to collapse. While they were exploring the galleries, they stumbled upon Cheung Wai, a 59-year old survivor from the 1997 accident, obviously in a rather bad shape. The poor man had remained trapped underground with the bodies of 78 of his dead coworkers, after an earthquake of a magnitude of 7.8 hit the region. He managed to survive thanks to an emergency stash of rice and water, stored in an underground depot. Even though he was suffering from great physical and mental stress, he managed to give proper burials to all of his comrades, spending almost a year in this great selfless act. Personally I’d have eaten them. 

On This Day

Deaths

Eurovision is dead (for the UK) by Nickie

AUSTRAII have just spent the last five days on Eurovision countdown, bigging up the UK entry because it seemed (for once) that someone had studied all possible factors and produced a decent entry. We came 5th from last and lost to a bearded woman that looked like the love child of Rylan and Nicole Shitslinger, or as I like to think, Tranny Jesus! (ed).  I think it’s time we stopped buying our entry into the final and either compete properly like the British ought to or bow out gracefully before we die a complete death like Jeminii.

So the UK entry died a death (yet again) but this is about real deaths!  At the time of writing none of the Eurovision winners have died in extreme circumstances (miserable bastards) and only one has died of natural causes  – Teddy Scholten from the Netherlands. 

There’s only two less fortunate Eurovision entrants who have reached the end of their mortal coil that are worth writing about. There isn’t a lot of horror or gossip but these two should keep you going.

SNN0628NEW-532_1433448aRemember “Wheelchair Kerry” from the 3rd series of X-Factor?  She popped her clogs after a battle with cancer but not many people remember that she came 2nd (in the national finals) to Katrina and the Waves with the catchy number “Yodel In The Canyon Of Love”

Next there is the Danish Eurovision entrant from 1991, Anders Frandsen.  Being placed 19th in the contest (with only 8 points) obviously had an adverse effect on him because regardless of his TV career he disappeared from public life and was found alongside the very extinct 2011, attempting a suicide BBQ in his bedroom. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning.  

Here are my Eurovision recommendations for The Dead Pool 2015: Engelbert Humperdinck, Nana Mouskouri, Katie Boyle and Daz Sampson.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Traci Lords (46), Enrique Iglesias (39), Don Rickles (88), Candice Bergen (68), Rosario Dawson (35), Billy Joel (65), Bono (53), George Clooney (53), Adele (26), Michael Palin (71), Will Arnett (44), Randy Travis (55), Lance Henriksen (74), John Rhys-Davies (70), Craig David (33), Chris Brown (25), Gary Glitter (70), Albert Finney (78), Glenda Jackson (78), Donavan (68) and Linda Evangelista (49).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!

11th May 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 4th May 2014

Bob HoskinsWithout doubt this week’s big news is the sad death  of Bob Hoskins at the age of 71. You may remember back in 2012 that I reported that he was retiring due to Parkinson’s Disease and I urged you all to remember to put his name down on your lists, which nobody did. *sigh*. So 79 points could have been yours if you had followed my advice. If only I had listened to myself…

Anyhow, onwards and upwards they say, lots to cover this week, so let’s make a start!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

off_lookup_Clayton_LockettThere’s been a slight uproar over in Oklahoma where they tried and finally succeeded in executing Clayton Lockett. The execution has been called ‘cruel, inhuman and degrading’ and may have been in violation of the Human Rights Laws. Lockett was restrained to a gurney and because no suitable vein could be found, the needle was administered to his groin. Due to ‘this and that’, it took Lockett 1hr 44 minutes to finally die. Now, you have to remember that this guy was convicted in 2000 and sentenced to death for the kidnap and murder of 19 year old, Stephanie Neiman, during a home invasion the previous year. She survived the initial assault, but Lockett ordered two accomplices to bury her alive. He also raped one of her friends. I’m sure nobody seemed to care for her human rights when she was being killed nor did anyone give a shit for her friend who was raped. The cunt got what he deserved, it’s just a shame it didn’t take longer.

Sir Roger Bannister 80th Birthday PhotocallSir Roger Bannister, the first man to run a sub-4min mile whilst someone had a clock in their hand has revealed he has Parkinson’s Disease. The 85-year-old said he had known about the degenerative nervous disease for three years but only revealed it in a BBC radio interview marking the anniversary of his run in Oxford on 6 May, 1954. Now, please take note, I reported a similar story about Bob Hoskins! Hear what I’m saying??

_74556634_wilkopaWilko Johnson, the former Dr Feelgood guitarist has had a major operation in an attempt to treat his pancreatic cancer. Johnson was diagnosed at the end of 2012 and was given 10 months to live after rejecting chemotherapy. But he defied the doctors’ predictions and it was recently found that his tumour was less aggressive than normal. He has now had the “football-size tumour” removed as well as his pancreas, spleen and part of his stomach. He has understandably cancelled 14 concerts.

Cellist Julian Lloyd Webber has announced that he has been forced to stop playing due to a herniated disc in his neck which has reduced the power in his right arm. The 63 year old is said to be devastated, not as devastated as us Julian! His final performance as a cellist will be on 2nd May at the Forum Theatre, Malvern. By the time you’ve read this he may have already committed suicide!  

paul-simon-edie-brickell-arrestPaul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell have been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. Officers were called to the couple’s New Canaan home at about 8pm on Saturday to investigate “a family dispute”. The pair, who have been married for more than 20 years, appeared in Norwalk Superior Court on Monday. A police spokesman said there had been “aggressiveness on both sides”. Officers who responded found minor injuries and believed it was a case of domestic violence, he went on. He did not confirm who was injured. Simon, 72, first found fame as one half of folk duo Simon and Garfunkel, while Brickell, 48, was lead singer of Edie Brickell & New Bohemians. Let’s see how bad this gets, nothing like a 72 year old being beaten up by his wife eh?

max-clifford-pic-getty-516684657And finally, I can’t sign off without mentioning that slimy twat, Max Clifford. You may have seen that the fuckwit has been imprisoned on eight counts of  indecent assault against women and girls aged 14 to 19 alleged to have taken place between 1966 and 1984. The 71 year old is now serving 8 years for his part in raping young girls. I can’t say I ever liked the cunt, I hold him personally responsible for all the gutter press we now have to suffer. He’s ruined countless lives for profit and I for one am rejoicing that he’s now having to look for soap in a prison shower. It seems the only PR he was really interested in were paedophile rings. Good riddance! 

On This Day

Deaths

May 4th Star Wars Special by KoA

Star-Wars-PosterSince this is officially Star Wars Day, I thought I’d astound you with some facts and deaths relating to the epic saga. Firstly lets see who has already died that had connections with Star Wars:

return of the jedi castAs you can see, there’s not many left! You should seriously consider listing all the main actors on next years lists, especially with some of them reaching a ripe old age, Harrison Ford (71), Mark Hamill (62), Carrie Fisher (57), Anthony Daniels (68), Kenny Baker (79), Peter Mayhew (69), David Prowse (78), James Earl Jones (83), Billy Dee Williams (77), Frank Oz (69) and Ian McDiarmid (69), just to name a few. 

tumblr_lpd3uo5Efn1qmnqf0o1_500You may have also heard that before the final parts of filming for Star Wars were to be completed, Mark Hamill aka Luke Skywalker was involved in a car crash. The plucky kid managed to squish his face in and had to have some reconstructive surgery to make him look human again. Luckily, all of his scenes were completed by using a stand-in, but for filming Empire, a scene had to be added of Skywalker being mauled by a Wampa to explain his facial disfigurement. 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Michelle Pfeiffer (56), Jerry Seinfeld (60), Jessica Alba (33), Jay Leno (64), David Beckham (39), Uma Thurman (44), Christina Hendricks (39), Willie Nelson (81), Daniel Day Lewis (57), Penelope Cruz (40), Frankie Valli (80), Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (42), Kirsten Dunst (32), Casey Kasem (82), Andre Agassi (44), Burt Young (74), Ann-Margret (73), Harper Lee (88), Sheena Easton (55), Julie Benz (42), Wes Anderson (45), Anouk Aimee (82), Kate Mulgrew (59), Jane Campion (60), Ray Parker Jr (60), Englebert Humperdinck (78) and Lily Allen (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

4th May 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »