Sadly no points this week, just your run of the mill edition with amazing stories to read. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Sven-Göran Eriksson, 76, Swedish football player and coach (IFK Göteborg, Benfica, England national team), pancreatic cancer.  
• Scott Thorson, 65, American gigolo and writer (Behind the Candelabra: My Life with Liberace), cancer and heart disease. 
• Claire Lomas, 44, British charity campaigner and event rider. 
• Betty Bridges, 83, American actress (Good Times, Hill Street Blues). 
• Charlotte Kretschmann, 114, German supercentenarian, oldest living person in Germany.  
• Fatman Scoop, 53, American rapper (“Be Faithful“, “Lose Control“, “It’s Like That“). 
• Sol Bamba, 39, Ivorian-French footballer (Hibernian, Cardiff City, Ivory Coast national team). 

In Other News

Downing Street officials are preparing a “media plan” to announce the eventual passing of Larry the cat, The Flying Monkeys understand. Larry has become a widely loved fixture of Downing Street and is often seen outside the door to Number 10 during major political events and news broadcasts. The 17-year-old ‘chief mouser’ is thought to be in his final years, having already outlived the average lifespan for a tabby cat. Government sources told The Flying Monkeys that a press release and graphics are drafted “ready for the sad day he goes”. Pictures, selected to be published upon news of his death, are reportedly stored in folders on the No 10 IT system as part of a plan to inform the public. While one source said that, at present, Larry is “doing OK”, another said: “We felt it had to be handled so sensitively.” The cat, who was adopted from Battersea Cats Home, was first brought into Downing Street by David Cameron as a pet for his children and has since outlasted five prime ministers. The Cabinet Office website includes a biography of the beloved cat, which reads: “Larry has been in residence since 15th February 2011, he is the first cat at Number 10 to be bestowed with the official title Chief Mouser. Larry was recruited from Battersea Dogs and Cats Home on recommendation for his mousing skills. He joined the Number 10 household and has made a significant impact.” It adds: “He has captured the hearts of the Great British public and the press teams often camped outside the front door. In turn the nation sends him gifts and treats daily. Larry spends his days greeting guests to the house, inspecting security defences and testing antique furniture for napping quality. His day-to-day responsibilities also include contemplating a solution to the mouse occupancy of the house. Larry says this is still ‘in the tactical planning stage’.”  

Linda Nolan has shared a health update following her ongoing cancer treatment. The singer, 65, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005 and went into remission the following year. In 2017, she revealed she had been diagnosed with a secondary cancer in her hip, which spread to her liver in 2020. Three years later, the cancer had spread to her brain. Nolan said she was left “sobbing” when doctor’s delivered her latest set of results, which revealed two of her largest tumours had grown in size. Speaking to The Flying Monkeys, Nolan said: “I sobbed when my consultant first told me. I know so many people are suffering and going through things, but I thought, just for once, could cancer just leave me alone? My heart sank.” She continued: “I had feared something was wrong. My balance has been getting worse and my memory – my sisters have to prompt me when I get lost in the middle of a sentence.’ After doctor’s confirmed Nolan’s fears that her cancer had spread, they confirmed she would be placed on a  new life-extending breast cancer drug called Enhertu. Enhertu is not available on the National Health Service as its manufacturers and the NHS spending watchdog could not agree on a price for the medication. Nolan said of her forthcoming treatment: “To be able to try a new drug is amazing, I just wish everyone could have this opportunity. “To be able to try this is hope – it’s a plan B not everyone is being allowed. To take this drug away from women is to take away their hope.” Although the singer admitted she’s dreading the possibility she could lose her hair for the fifth time in the course of her cancer treatment she said she’s “ready to try anything” to get back to full health. “I have done this before and I can do it again,” she said. Back in 2023, Nolan admitted she had started planning her funeral after being diagnosed with brain cancer. “I think it’s a one-way trip now,” she said. While her eldest sister Anne successfully recovered from cancer, Nolan lost both her husband Brian Hudson and younger sister Bernie to the illness. She told The Flying Monkeys that they had organised their own funerals, adding that “it’s easier for people left behind”. She revealed: “I’ve gone into it a little bit. A Neil Sedaka song, “Our Last Song Together”. And I know the funeral people I’m going to use.”  

John Tinniswood, the world’s oldest living man, has turned 112 at his care home in Southport, Merseyside. Mr Tinniswood was born in Liverpool on August 26th 1912, the year the Titanic sank, and became the world’s oldest living man in April, saying the secret of his longevity is “just luck”. Asked how he feels to be turning 112, he told the Guinness World Records: “In all honesty, no different. I don’t feel that age, I don’t get excited over it. That’s probably why I’ve reached it. I just take it in my stride like anything else, why I’ve lived that long I have no idea at all. I can’t think of any special secrets I have. I was quite active as a youngster, I did a lot of walking. Whether that had something to do with it, I don’t know. But to me, I’m no different. No different at all.” On what the biggest difference in the world is over the course of his life, he said: “It’s no better in my opinion, or hardly any better, than it was then. Probably in some places it is, but in other places it’s worse.” Beyond eating a portion of battered fish and chips every Friday, Mr Tinniswood said he does not follow any particular diet. “I eat what they give me and so does everybody else. I don’t have a special diet,” he said. Mr Tinniswood lived through both world wars and is the world’s oldest surviving male Second World War veteran. He worked in an administrative role for the Army Pay Corps. In addition to accounts and auditing, his work involved logistical tasks such as locating stranded soldiers and organising food supplies. He went on to work as an accountant for Shell and BP before retiring in 1972. A lifelong Liverpool FC fan, Mr Tinniswood was born just 20 years after the club was founded in 1892, and has lived through all eight of his club’s FA Cup wins and 17 of their 19 league title wins. Mr Tinniswood met his wife, Blodwen, at a dance in Liverpool, and the couple enjoyed 44 years together before Blodwen died in 1986. Since turning 100 in 2012, he received a birthday card each year from the late Queen Elizabeth, who was his junior by almost 14 years. The oldest man ever was Jiroemon Kimura from Japan, who lived to the age of 116 years 54 days and died in 2013. The world’s oldest living woman, and oldest living person, is Japan’s 116-year-old Tomiko Itooka.

On This Day

• 1923 – The Great Kantō earthquake devastates Tokyo and Yokohama, killing about 105,000 people. 
• 1974 – The SR-71 Blackbird sets (and still holds) the record for flying from New York to London in the time of one hour, 54 minutes and 56.4 seconds at a speed of 1,435.587 miles per hour
• 2004 – The Beslan school siege begins when armed terrorists take schoolchildren and school staff hostage in North Ossetia, Russia; by the end of the siege, three days later, more than 385 people are dead (including hostages, other civilians, security personnel and terrorists).

Deaths

• 1715 – Louis XIV of France (b. 1638).
• 1914 – Martha, last known passenger pigeon (h. 1885).
• 2006 – Kyffin Williams, Welsh painter and educator (b. 1918).
• 2008 – Jerry Reed, American singer-songwriter, guitarist, and actor (b. 1937).

Send Nudes! 

California investigators discovered human remains on Friday, under the home of a man charged with murder in the disappearance of an elderly couple from the Olive Dell Ranch nudist resort in San Bernardino County.

Redlands police said at a news conference on Friday that they found the remains beneath the home of Michael Royce Sparks, 62, the neighbour of Daniel Menard, 79, and his wife, Stephanie Menard, 73. Police arrested Sparks Thursday and he was booked at the West Valley Detention Center in Rancho Cucamonga.

“We don’t know we’ve located their bodies,” Redlands Police Department spokesman Carl Baker said during a Friday news conference. “We located human remains. I can’t verify that that’s Dan and Stephanie.”

Baker said that around 9:30 p.m. Thursday, Sparks was found underneath his home and surrendered to police.

“Let me say he surrendered voluntarily. I won’t say he’s been cooperative, but he did surrender voluntarily last night after lengthy negotiations,” Baker said.

The Menards were last seen at the Olive Dell Ranch around 10 a.m. Saturday, according to police. Their dog, a small white Shih Tzu named Cuddles, was with them.

A cadaver dog was used to search for the couple’s bodies at Sparks’ residence Friday morning. Baker said at a news conference that “the dog did alert, indicating the presence of a body somewhere underneath the house.”

“I can confirm the presence of human remains under the house”

In the days following the Menards’ disappearance, friends expressed concern as police dispatched dogs and a sheriff’s office helicopter to aid in the search.

On Thursday, police said that a tip had been called into investigators, prompting them to obtain a search warrant “to try and locate the suspect.”

“We suspect that there may have been foul play,” Baker said during a news conference Thursday afternoon.

A SWAT team used armoured vehicles to tear down the walls of Sparks’ house instead of entering it directly “for the officers’ safety,” according to police. On Friday, Baker said Sparks was armed with a rifle and barricaded in the home.

“He did have a rifle and he did attempt to kill himself when police discovered him, but the rifle misfired,” Baker said.

Baker added on Friday that police will continue investigating the dismantled home to search for the couple.

Investigators discovered the human remains along with “bags of evidence” under Sparks’ home.

“At this time, I can confirm the presence of human remains under the house,” Baker said. “We have a representative from the Coroner’s Office here who is evaluating the remains, but  obviously, we are not going to be able to identify those at this time.”

While police have not yet identified the remains, they “believe that Dan and Stephanie Menard are deceased,” Baker said.

“Very suspicious for them to be gone”

Shortly after the couple was last seen, their unlocked car was found down the street from their home in the 26000 block of Keissel Road in Redlands. Some of their possessions, including their cellphones and Stephanie Menard’s purse, were found at the home.

The circumstances of their disappearance had led to concerns from friends.

“I just want them back,” said Sandy Marinelli, who has been friends with the couple for more than a decade. “They don’t deserve this. … They’re just good people. They go to church. They don’t deserve any of this.”

Marinelli said another neighbour went to the couple’s home on Sunday when they weren’t ready for church and discovered Stephanie Menard’s cane inside. She also said a TV and computer were left on.

But the couple was nowhere to be found.

“It was just very suspicious for them to be gone,” Marinelli said.

Tammie Wilkerson, who also lives at the ranch, said Sparks had an ongoing dispute with the Menards.

“He didn’t like them. He hated them, and he told me many times,” Wilkerson said. “It’s such a stupid reason. They had a tree that was on their property line, and Dan used to go trim the limbs and he hated that. That formed his hatred towards them.”

Last Week’s Birthdays

Zendaya (28), Burn Gorman (50), Lily Tomlin (85), Steve Pemberton (57), Gloria Estefan (67), Richard Gere (75), Chris Tucker (53), Cameron Diaz (52), Julian Richings (68), Carla Gugino (53), Rebecca De Mornay (65), Elliott Gould (86), Lenny Henry (66), Jack Black (55), Armie Hammer (38), Brian Thompson (65), Luis Guzmán (68), Barbara Bach (78), Billy Boyd (56), Shania Twain (59), Peter Stormare (71), Aaron Paul (45), Peter Mensah (65), Reece Shearsmith (55), Mike Colter (48), Chris Pine (44), Melissa McCarthy (54), and Macaulay Culkin (44).

Let’s start by dishing out the points! With the passing of the world’s oldest woman, I can award 33 points to Christine, and 133 points to Abi, Dave, Stu, Paul C. & Lee for being their Cert/Woman. Well done all of you, certainly spicing up the top of the league table! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Phil Donahue, 88, American talk show host (The Phil Donahue Show).  
• Maria Branyas, 117, American-born Spanish supercentenarian, world’s oldest person. 
• Dewi “Pws” Morris, 76, Welsh actor (Grand Slam), singer and television presenter. 
• Sphen, 11, Gay Australian gentoo penguin, euthanised. 

In Other News

BBC presenter Lauren Laverne has announced she has been diagnosed with cancer. The broadcaster, 46, shared the news on Instagram, urging people to “get checked out”, saying she is lucky to have “caught it early” and is “expected to make a full recovery”. Alongside a picture of her smiling, the presenter of BBC 6 Music’s breakfast show and Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs wrote: “Right then, some personal news… I recently had a cancer diagnosis. It was (thank God) caught early and unexpectedly during a screening test and I am expected to make a full recovery. I’m in hospital at the moment and wanted to take this moment to say thank you: Firstly to the medical teams who have got me this far with incredible skill and kindness. To my family and friends who have been absolutely extraordinary every step of the way – I am so very grateful and love you so much. And of course thank you to my colleagues – including those at @itg_ltd, @bbc6music, @bbctheoneshow and #DesertIslandDiscs for their support – and for giving me the time off that I need to get better.” She continued: “I also want to say that if you’re avoiding a test or putting off an appointment to get yourself checked out please, please do it today. Half of us will get cancer at some point, and if you do, finding out asap is everything. It’s usually my job to bring the good vibes on air but any you have to spare are very much welcome here. Sending loads of love to anyone in a similar boat, or who has made it back to shore. xxx.”  

The world’s oldest living person, Maria Branyas Morera, died in Catalonia in Spain at the age of 117 years and 168 days, her family said on Tuesday. Born in San Francisco, US, in 1907, she lived through two World Wars, the Spanish Civil War and the 1918 flu pandemic and faced many personal hardships in her early years, including losing her father during her family’s emigration to Spain and suffering hearing loss as a child. Her remarkable longevity was recognised by both the Gerontology Research Group and the Guinness World Records, and Branyas Morera became a symbol of resilience, having survived Covid at age 113. “Maria Branyas has left us. She died as she wished: in her sleep, peacefully and without pain,” her family wrote on her Twitter account. “We will always remember her for her advice and kindness.” Catalonia’s president, Salvador Illa, re-shared the post and expressed his condolences to the family. ”Maria Branyas, the grandmother of Catalonia and the oldest person in the world, has left us. We lose an endearing woman, who has taught us the value of life and the wisdom of the years.” Branyas Morera, who had spent the last 20 years at the Santa Maria del Tura nursing home in Olot, northeastern Spain, shared in a post on Tuesday that she was feeling “weak”.  Her account was run by her family. “The time is near,” she added. “Please don’t cry; I don’t like tears. And above all, don’t worry about me. Wherever I go, I will be happy.” In January 2023, Guinness World Records recognised Branyas Morera as the world’s oldest person following the death of French nun Lucile Randon at age 118. Branyas Morera tested positive for Covid in April 2020 but recovered, becoming the oldest recorded survivor of the disease at the time. In an interview with the Flying Monkeys, she urged for better treatment of the elderly. “This pandemic has revealed that older people are the forgotten ones of our society. They fought their whole lives, sacrificed time and their dreams for today’s quality of life. They didn’t deserve to leave the world in this way,” she said. Branyas Morera attributed her longevity to “order, tranquillity, good connection with family and friends, contact with nature, emotional stability, no worries, no regrets, lots of positivity, and staying away from toxic people. I think longevity is also about being lucky. Luck and good genetics.” Following the death of Branyas Morera, the title of the world’s oldest living person passed to Japan’s Tomiko Itooka, who is 116.  

Clueless star Alicia Silverstone has reassured fans she is “alive and well” after she filmed herself eating a poisonous berry during a visit to London. The 47-year-old actor had shared a video on TikTok on Monday in which she held up an orange berry with seeds inside it. She was seen biting into the fruit and appearing confused by what it was, before fans flocked to social media to warn that it was a “very poisonous form of deadly nightshade”. Silverstone was not heard from on social media for hours after the posting, prompting fans to speculate that she could have succumbed to the poison. Social media users begged for an update as they said “You’re going to need to let us know you’re OK. It’s been five hours” and “Woman! Update us! Are you alive and well?”. On Tuesday the star shared a picture of herself on a photoshoot with the caption: “Alive and well! Don’t worry… I didn’t swallow.” She added a winking emoji. Supporters shared their relief as they wrote: “Queen I’m glad you’re alive” and “I came here for this confirmation. Glad you’re healthy!” The original post showed the actor, who is best known for playing Cher Horowitz in Nineties classic Clueless, walking down a street in England and plucking an orange berry from a bush in someone’s front garden to taste it. “OK, I’ve discovered something that I can’t figure out what it is and I need your help,” she told her viewers. “I just bit into it because it was on the street, and we were discussing whether it was a tomato or not,” she continued, before filming the gated garden where she got the fruit from. Silverstone also questioned the type of leaves in the plant, which had green, red, and orange berries hanging from it. “So what the heck is this?” the star added, before showing the fruit opened up on the street, with seeds popping out of it. She once again bit into the fruit and showed off the inside of it for the camera. “I don’t think you’re supposed to eat this,” she admitted. “But it’s almost like a pepper. Does anyone know what this is? I don’t know what it is.” The actor emphasised her confusion in the caption, writing: “What the heck is this!? I’m in England and can’t figure it out.” The TikTok video quickly went viral, with more than 1.3 million views on her page and over 10 million views where it was reposted on Twitter. In the comments, multiple people claimed that the fruit she was eating was a Jerusalem cherry, which is poisonous.  

Dr Anthony Fauci, former director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, was hospitalised after testing positive for West Nile virus. Fauci, a longtime public health official who became a household name as part of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, has now been discharged and is expected to recover fully, a spokesperson said. “Tony Fauci has been hospitalised with a case of West Nile virus. He is now home and is recovering. A full recovery is expected,” the spokesperson said in a statement shared with the Flying Monkeys. They reported that Fauci had spent six days in hospital before being discharged. Fauci, 83, ran the NIAID for nearly four decades before he retired in 2022. As well as fronting the US response to the Covid-19 pandemic, he achieved fame after becoming the target of political attacks from then-president Donald Trump. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), West Nile virus is the leading cause of mosquito-borne disease in the continental United States and is most commonly spread to people by the bite of an infected mosquito. Cases of West Nile occur during mosquito season, which starts in the summer and continues through autumn. There are no vaccines to prevent or medicines to treat West Nile in people, though most people infected with the virus do not feel sick. Around one in five people who are infected develop a fever and other symptoms. About one out of 150 infected people develop a serious, sometimes fatal, illness, according to the CDC. Despite leaving government nearly two years ago, Fauci has continued to face fierce political attacks from congressional Republicans for his role in the nation’s response to coronavirus. In June, he testified before a House panel investigating the response, where he was accused by GOP lawmakers of orchestrating a coverup of the virus’s origins. At the time he described the allegations as “simply preposterous.” 

Former England boss Sven-Goran Eriksson has sent a heartbreaking message as he reaches the end of his life and tells fans: ‘I hope you’ll remember me.’ The Swedish ex-Three Lions manager, who has terminal pancreatic cancer, was in charge of England’s ‘Golden Generation’ men’s football team from 2001 to 2006. The 76-year-old revealed in January that he had ‘best case a year’ to live and a new documentary about his life is being released on Amazon Prime on Friday. ‘I hope you will remember me as a positive guy trying to do everything he could do,’ Eriksson said. ‘Don’t be sorry, smile. Thank you for everything, coaches, players, the crowds, it’s been fantastic. Take care of yourself and take care of your life. And live it.’ Speaking candidly as he approaches the end, Eriksson added: ‘I had a good life. I think we are all scared of the day when we die, but life is about death as well. ‘You have to learn to accept it for what it is. Hopefully at the end people will say, ‘yeah, he was a good man’. But everyone will not say that.’ 

On This Day

• 1609 – Galileo Galilei demonstrates his first telescope to Venetian lawmakers.
• 1958 – The world’s first publicly marketed instant noodles,  Chikin Ramen, are introduced by Taiwanese-Japanese businessman Momofuku Ando. 
• 1991 – Linus Torvalds announces the first version of what will become Linux.
• 2001 – American singer Aaliyah and several members of her record company are killed as their overloaded aircraft crashes shortly after takeoff from Marsh Harbour Airport, Bahamas.
• 2012 – Voyager 1 spacecraft enters interstellar space becoming the first man-made object to do so.

Deaths

• 1819 – James Watt, Scottish engineer and instrument maker (b. 1736).
• 1900 – Friedrich Nietzsche, German philologist, philosopher, and critic (b. 1844).
• 1984 – Truman Capote, American novelist, playwright, and screenwriter (b. 1924).
• 2001 – Aaliyah, American singer and actress (b. 1979).
• 2009 – Ted Kennedy, American politician (b. 1932).
• 2012 – Neil Armstrong, American pilot, engineer, and astronaut (b. 1930).

Last Week’s Birthdays

Blake Lively (37), Alexander Skarsgård (48), Tim Burton (66), Tom Skerritt (91), Gene Simmons (75), Billy Ray Cyrus (63), Jared Harris (63), Rupert Grint (36), Steve Guttenberg (66), Stephen Fry (67), Kristen Wiig (51), Richard Armitage (53), Dua Lipa (29), Ty Burrell (57), James ‘the cunt’ Corden (46), Mark Williams (65), Hayden Panettiere (35), Kim Cattrall (68), Carrie-Anne Moss (57), Amy Adams (50), Andrew Garfield (41), Ke Huy Quan (53), James Marsters (62), John Noble (76), Demi Lovato (32), Ray Wise (77), Sylvester McCoy (81), David Walliams (53), Ian McElhinney (76), Diana Muldaur (86), Jonathan Frakes (72), Jim Carter (76), and Simon Bird (40). 

Sadly no points scored this week, even though we had a couple of big hitting actors and a centenarian bite the bullet. Perhaps it’s time to let fly those evil monkeys… 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Phyllis Furness, 109, Irish centenarian, oldest person in Ireland. 
• Gena Rowlands, 94, American actress (A Woman Under the Influence, Gloria, The Notebook), four-time Emmy winner, complications from Alzheimer’s disease. 
• John Aprea, 83, American actor (The Godfather Part II, Full House, Matt Houston). 
• Peter Marshall, 98, American game show host (Hollywood Squares) and actor (Annie, Ensign Pulver), four-time Emmy winner, kidney failure. 
• Afa Anoaʻi, 81, Samoan-American  professional wrestler (WWF).  
• Alain Delon, 88, French actor (Rocco and His Brothers, The Leopard, Le Samouraï). 

In Other News

Trisha Goddard was praised as she made her debut as a guest presenter on Good Morning Britain. The TV star, 66, joined Richard Madeley to host ITV’s breakfast show, days after she spoke about her terminal breast cancer diagnosis on the programme. Trisha – who fronted her own talk show in the ‘90s and 2000s and now lives in America – was a guest presenter, filling in for Kate Garraway. Trisha opened up about her diagnosis with secondary breast cancer earlier this month. She discovered that the incurable cancer had returned, this time to her hip, when she had a serious fall at her home in Connecticut, in 2022. However, she chose to keep the news of her stage four cancer private from her colleagues and the public. ‘I was grappling with how to deal with it myself. Plus I just wanted to work and be me, with CNN and my colleagues there, they didn’t know that I had no hair, that I had no feeling in my legs from the treatment, because I had chemo every week for four and a half months.’ She previously said, ‘My worry is that people will start seeing me as a frail little thing, and that if it got out, I’d be judged, or people would change the way they are with me, or that I wouldn’t work.’ But she admitted that keeping the ‘difficult secret’ became ‘tough’ as time went on. ‘I can’t lie; I can’t keep making up stories. It gets to a stage, after a year and a half, when keeping a secret becomes more of a burden than anything else,’ she added. ‘It’s not going to go away. And with that knowledge comes grief, and fear. But I must keep enjoying what I have always enjoyed,’ she told the Flying Monkeys. Trisha is determined not to be ‘a poster girl for cancer’. ‘It’s not who I am. It’s not why I’m here,’ she said. ‘Also, I didn’t want to read words like ‘dying’ and ‘terminal’ or ‘battling’. Or ‘inspirational’ because it’s all bollocks.”  

Sir Rod Stewart has been issued a further medical warning after being forced to cancel his concerts due to battling a string of health conditions. Last week we reported that Rod had been struggling with Strep Throat, but now he’s also contracted Covid-19! He was due to perform at Stateline in Nevada, followed by a show at Thunder Valley Casino in Lincoln, California on Saturday night. However, an Instagram post to his 1.4million followers late on Friday confirmed he was once again cancelling. A statement read: “We regret to announce that tonight’s Rod Stewart concert in Stateline, NV and his August 10 show in Lincoln, CA have been postponed, as the singer recovers from a summer strain of Covid-19.” The post also gave details of rescheduled dates for the two cancelled concerts which will now take place on August 18 and 20. Whilst Stewart is keen to return to the stage, the musician has been issued a stern warning over his recovery. Dr Chun Tang, a GP and Medical Director at Pall Mall Medical, claimed Stewart will need “significant rehabilitation” for his voice to return to normal following his illness. He told the Flying Monkeys: “Covid can have several long-lasting effects on the vocal cords, especially for those who experienced severe symptoms. The virus can cause persistent inflammation of the vocal cords, leading to ongoing hoarseness, a reduced vocal range, and a weak or breathy voice.” In some cases, Covid can cause nerve damage that affects the control of vocal cords. Tang added: “This can make it difficult to speak or sing normally and may require significant rehabilitation.”  

John Farnham’s sons Rob and James have spoken about their father’s cancer battle, as the Australian music icon continues to recover from throat cancer following a devastating 2022 diagnosis. The 75-year-old underwent 12-hour surgery after being diagnosed with throat cancer, with doctors removing a tumour from his mouth and reconstructing his jaw. He has since received an “all clear” regarding the cancer. “He’s doing really well,” Rob said. “Every day is another step forward, as it is for everyone with cancer. He’s just gotta keep moving forward and keeping positive, and you know, keep driving forward. That’s what it’s about.” The boys went on to praise their mother, saying she had held the family together for the past two years, and also reflected on comments from global superstar Celine Dion, who paid tribute to Farnham in her own documentary I Am: Celine Dion, calling him one of the greatest singers of all time. “He was pretty impressed — it was pretty cool for him to see it,” James said. “He was quite surprised she spoke about him for so long, and he was the only singer he spoke about in the whole documentary.”

On This Day

• 1612 – The trial of the Pendle witches, one of England’s most famous witch trials, begins at Lancaster Assizes. 
• 1958 – Vladimir Nabokov’s controversial novel Lolita is published in the United States.
• 1977 – Steve Biko is arrested at a police roadblock under Terrorism Act No. 83 of 1967 in King William’s Town, South Africa. He later dies from injuries sustained during this arrest, bringing attention to South Africa’s apartheid policies.

Deaths

• 1998 – Persis Khambatta, Indian model and actress, Femina Miss India 1965 (b. 1948).
• 2004 – Elmer Bernstein, American composer and conductor (b. 1922).
• 2017 – Bruce Forsyth, English television presenter and entertainer (b. 1928).
• 2018 – Kofi Annan, Ghanaian diplomat and seventh Secretary-General of the United Nations (b. 1938).

The Pendle Witches

On August 20th 1612 ten people convicted of witchcraft at the Summer Assize held in Lancaster Castle went to the gallows on the moors above the town. Among their number were two men and a woman in her eighties. Their crimes included laming, causing madness and what was termed “simple” witchcraft. In addition to this some sixteen unexplained deaths, many stretching back decades, were laid at their door. 

Lancashire, in the early years of the seventeenth century, was remote, its roads poor, its people ill-educated. Throughout the county there were places where the outside world hardly intruded, and one such area was Pendle Forest. It was here, among stark hillsides, infertile valleys and scattered hamlets, that the story of the Pendle Witches had its beginnings. 

On March 18th 1612 a young woman by the name of Alison Device was out begging on the road to Colne. She stopped a peddler from Halifax, John Law, and asked him for a pin. He refused her request and walked away. According to Alison’s own testimony her ‘familiar spirit’ in the shape of a dog, appeared to her and asked if she would like him to harm Law. Alison was new to the art of witchcraft, indeed she seems to have resisted being indoctrinated into what was in effect the family business. But now she agreed that Law must be punished and she told the dog to lame the peddler. No doubt to her great surprise, the curse took immediate effect and Law fell to the ground, paralysed down one side (presumably by a stroke) and unable to speak. He was taken to a local inn and later Alison was brought to his bedside. She admitted her part in his illness and begged his forgiveness, which he gave. However, Law’s son Abraham had become involved, and he was far from satisfied. He took the matter to Roger Nowell the local magistrate, and from there things snowballed at an alarming rate. After hearing the most awful admissions from those he interviewed, Nowell made many arrests. By the end of  April nineteen people (including a group from Samlesbury and Isobel Roby from Windle) were incarcerated in Lancaster Castle, awaiting trial at the August Assize. 

The most famous of the Pendle witches actually died before coming to trial. Elizabeth Southernes (“Old Demdike”) had admitted to Nowell that she was a witch. In so doing she also implicated many of her co-accused, as did Anne Whittle (“Old Chattox”) who was herself accused of the murder by witchcraft of Robert Nutter. Also implicated were members of both their families: Elizabeth Device, Demdike’s daughter, was accused of two murders, as was her son James, while Alison was to stand trial for what she had done to John Law on that fateful spring day five months before. Anne Redfearne, Chattox’s daughter, stood accused of the murder of Christopher Nutter eighteen years previously.

Others were dragged into the affair: John and Jane Bulcock, a mother and her son, were tried for causing madness, and for being at a so-called Witches Sabbath held at Malkin Tower on Good Friday 1612; Alice Nutter from Roughlee Hall, was accused of killing one Henry Mitton because he refused to give Demdike a penny; Margaret Pearson was accused of bewitching one of her neighbour’s horses to death, and Katherine Hewitt was accused of the murder of Ann Foulds. 

Lancaster formed part of the Northern Circuit, and the Assize Court judges visited the town twice a year. The trials commenced on Tuesday 18th August with Sir Edward Bromley presiding. First into the dock was Old Chattox. She was accused of the murder of Robert Nutter some eighteen years previously. She pleaded not guilty, but eventually confessed when confronted by evidence given by Demdike and James Device to Roger Nowell back in April. Elizabeth Device followed her into court. She stood charged with three counts of murder, accusations she vehemently denied. However, the Prosecution had a star witness in the form of Elizabeth’s own nine year old daughter Jennet. Her evidence was devastating, and Elizabeth was so overcome with anger that she had to be removed from court. Jennet told of familiar spirits, of the making of clay images in order to cause death, of the Sabbath supposedly held at Malkin Tower on Good Friday, where it was decided to blow up the castle and kill the Governor, Thomas Covell, in order to free those imprisoned there. She spoke of witches mounting ponies and flying off on them before vanishing into thin air. Inevitably, Elizabeth was found guilty as well.

James Device was tried next. He was in a pitiable condition, and may even have been physically ill-treated during his imprisonment. However, there was little sympathy for him and after more hearsay evidence, and his own testimony, he was found guilty along with Elizabeth Device and Anne Whittle. 

Anne Redfearne had already been acquitted of one murder. Now she was tried for killing Christopher Nutter eighteen years previously. The evidence hinged on Nutter’s daughter remembering that her father believed he was the victim of a curse. She had also been seen making clay images by James Device. Anne was found guilty. Next into the dock was Alice Nutter. She was a gentlewoman, and the evidence against her was flimsy. However, her fate was sealed by Jennet Device, who identified her as being present at the infamous Sabbath. Alice too, was convicted. The trial of Katherine Hewitt “Mouldheels” went much the same way, with little Jennet again the star witness. Katherine was convicted as well. Jennet’s evidence against John and Jane Bulcock was even more slight: she remembered John turning a spit on which they had roasted a lamb that  Good Friday. It was illegal to aid or assist a witch, and this was enough in 1612, along with other hearsay evidence, to seal the fate of both defendants.

Margaret Pearson was tried for killing a horse by riding it to death (“Hag Ridden” from which we get the modern word “haggard”) She was convicted, although ultimately not condemned.

Alizon Device was the last of the Pendle witches to be tried. Unusually, the key witness against her was also the victim: John Law. He was the object of much pity, as his brush with Alison had left him crippled. When he was assisted into court Alison rushed to him and begged his forgiveness once more, which he again gave. The court was moved to ask her if she could help restore him to health. She told them she was not powerful enough, but that Old Demdike, had she lived, could have done so. Alison was found guilty.

Isobel Roby, from Windle, also stood trial on charges of witchcraft at this Assize, and she too was convicted.

All that remained was for the sentences to be handed down. Bromley had little option: under the terms of the 1604 Witchcraft Act all the accused had been found guilty of crimes punishable by death. On August 20th 1612 the ten condemned prisoners were taken to the moors above the town and hanged. 

The trials in Lancaster in August 1612 are among the most famous witchcraft trials in history. This is mainly due to the fact that we have a very full (albeit biased) account of them, left to us by the Clerk of the Court, Thomas Potts. In 1613 he published his account of these events in a book entitled “The Wonderfull Discoverie of Witches in the Countie of Lancaster.” This is our only real primary source for what was going on in the more remote areas of Lancashire over all those years, and Potts was writing for an audience which included King James I himself, and one which was more than ready to believe in the existence of such evil. This was also a time of great tension, and of anti-Catholic rhetoric. The Gunpowder Plot was still fresh in the memory, and Potts chose to dedicate his book to Lord Knyvett, the man who had actually arrested Guy Fawkes in 1605. Politics and religion played their part in the prosecutions and convictions in Lancaster in 1612, but the inescapable fact remains that at the end of the day ten people lost their lives, found guilty of a crime that no longer even officially exists.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Christian Slater (55), Edward Norton (55), Robert Redford (88), Roman Polanski (91), Huw Edwards (63), Austin Butler (33), Robert De Niro (81), Sean Penn (64), Belinda Carlisle (66), Taika Waititi (49), Steve Carell (62), James Cameron (70), Julie Newmar (91), Madonna (66), Jennifer Lawrence (34), Ben Affleck (52), David Zayas (62), Natasha Henstridge (50), Jim Dale (89), Tony Robinson (78), Mila Kunis (41), Halle Berry (58), Steve Martin (79), Joseph Marcell (76), Sebastian Stan (42), Cara Delevingne (32), and Jim Beaver (74). 

Looks like none of the Fascist rioters have managed to cause any famous deaths, perhaps they don’t socialise in the same circles… Maybe they could do with a succulent Chinese meal to calm down. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Charles Cyphers, 85, American actor (Halloween, Assault on Precinct 13, Major League).  
• Graham Thorpe, 55, English cricketer (Surrey, national team). 
• Ron Bain, 79, Scottish actor (Naked Video, A Kick Up the Eighties).   
• Connie Chiume, 72, South African actress (Black Panther, Rhythm City, The Air Up There). 
• Jack Karlson, 82, Australian criminal and meme inspiration (“democracy manifest“), prostate cancer. 
• Patrice Laffont, 84, French television presenter (Des chiffres et des lettres, Fort Boyard), heart attack. 
• Kevin Sullivan, 75, American professional wrestler, blood clot. 
• Susan Wojcicki, 56, American business executive, CEO of YouTube (2014–2023), lung cancer.

In Other News

The world of chess has been rocked after a Russian chess champion allegedly attempted to poison her childhood rival by covering her pieces in deadly mercury. Now facing a possible prison sentence, Amina Abakarova, 43, was caught on a security camera appearing to smear her rival’s pieces with the substance ahead of a tournament in Makhachkala, southern Russia last week. According to the World Health Organisation, even minor exposure to mercury can have serious health consequences. In the shocking footage, Ms Abakarova can be seen looking suspiciously around a room full of chess boards to ensure no one else was present. She then approaches her opponent’s table, takes what appears to be a vial from her bag, and pours the substance on the pieces before looking around the room again. The victim required medical treatment after experiencing “severe dizziness and nausea” during the game, but she was able to continue with the tournament. It is claimed that Ms Abakarova poisoned Umayganat Osmanova in an act of revenge after she insulted her last Friday. She is now facing up to three years behind bars for the incident. Sazhid Sazhidov, a Dagistani sports official, said: “We have video proof showing that one of the players at the Dagestani chess championship, Amina Abakarova from the city of Makhachkala, applied an unidentified substance, which later turned out to contain mercury, to the table where Umayganat Osmanova from the city of Kaspiisk was set to play against her.” Malcolm Pain of the English Chess Federation told The Flying Monkeys that there is no other recorded case in the history of chess of an attempted poisoning during a game. “Like many others, I am perplexed by what happened, and the motives of such an experienced competitor as Amina Abakarova are incomprehensible,” he said. “The actions she took could have led to a most tragic outcome, threatening the lives of everyone who was present, including herself. Now she must answer for what she did by the law.” The Russian Chess Federation is now considering giving Ms Abakarova a lifetime ban.  

Oasis singer Noel Gallagher, 57, has made a dark prediction about his future saying he would be “lucky” to make it to 60. The “Wonderwall” singer reflected on his health and lifestyle habits, particularly his alcohol consumption, as he explained the reasons behind the bleak prognosis. Comparing himself to 81-year-old Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones, he told the Flying Monkeys, “Just because Jagger is mincing around at 103 doesn’t mean everyone can.” The Manchester musician continued, “Well, I mean, they’ve got to be pushing, what, 70 now, innit? “I mean, the way I feel fucking now, I mean I’ll be fucking lucky if I make it to 60.” Reflecting on his health and alcohol intake, he explained he had also noticed some weight gain, and added, “I could do with getting off the booze, let’s put it that way,” he said. Gallagher previously said he didn’t want to live past 75 as he told BBC Radio 1 in 2022, “Do I want to live another 50 years? No. Just think how shit the world is now. I would rather not live through it. At 75 I want to go.” At the time he shared a bucket list of goals he’d like to tick off before he dies, including making a song with Johnny Marr and meeting Bob Dylan. Last month, he revealed he was set to go under the knife because of his “bad knees”. Although he didn’t explain the details of the procedure, the news came after his brother, Liam, has also been open about the arthritis affecting his knees suggesting the condition could be genetic.  

Sir Rod Stewart has cancelled his 200th residency celebration show due to a bout of the bacterial infection strep throat. The 79-year-old singer was set to bring his The Hits show at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace to a close on Wednesday after performing at the venue across the last 13 years. However, Sir Rod withdrew hours before what was meant to be his last show at the venue, saying he was “desperately sorry”. He added: “Most people can work with strep throat but obviously not me. I’m absolutely gutted. I’ve been looking forward to this concert for so long. My deepest regrets for any inconvenience this has caused. Thankfully we’ll now be returning in 2025 and I hope to see you all there,” he vowed. According to the NHS, a strep infection can mean patients having a sore throat, a rash, nausea and vomiting and muscle aches. It is often not a serious illness and can be treated with antibiotics. Sir Rod is a member of the US Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and was knighted by the Queen in 2016. Reflecting on his incredible legacy, Rod – who turns 80 in January – recently acknowledged his “days are numbered.” “I’m aware my days are numbered but I’ve got no fear. We have all got to pass on at some point, so we are all in the same basket. I am going to be enjoying myself for these last few years as much as I can. I say few — probably another 15. I can do that easy mate, easy.”

On This Day

• 1929 – Babe Ruth becomes the first baseball player to hit 500 home runs in his career with a home run at League Park in Cleveland, Ohio.
• 1934 – The first civilian prisoners arrive at the Federal prison on Alcatraz Island.
• 1942 – Actress Hedy Lamarr and composer George Antheil receive a patent for a Frequency-hopping spread spectrum communication system that later became the basis for modern technologies in wireless telephones, two-way radio communications, and Wi-Fi. 
• 1962 – Vostok 3 launches from the Baikonur Cosmodrome and cosmonaut Andrian Nikolayev becomes the first person to float in microgravity.

Deaths

• 1956 – Jackson Pollock, American painter (b. 1912).
• 1988 – Anne Ramsey, American actress (b. 1929).
• 1994 – Peter Cushing, English actor (b. 1913).
• 2014 – Robin Williams, American actor and comedian (b. 1951).
• 2022 – Anne Heche, American actress (b. 1969).

Last Week’s Birthdays

Chris Hemsworth (41), Viola Davis (59), Anna Gunn (56), Ian McDiarmid (80), Hulk Hogan (71), Rosanna Arquette (65), Antonio Banderas (64), Bill Skarsgård (34), Anna Kendrick (39), Gillian Anderson (56), Sam Elliott (80), Rhona Mitra (48), Eric Bana (56), Melanie Griffith (67), Dan Levy (41), Audrey Tautou (48), Dustin Hoffman (87), Charlize Theron (49), Michael Shannon (50), Abbie Cornish (42), Harold Perrineau (61), David Duchovny (64), Tobin Bell (82), M. Night Shyamalan (54), Michelle Yeoh (62), and Mark Strong (61).

Contender, ready! Gladiator, ready!!! No winners today though! Might as well sit down and  have a Tiramisu. 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• John Anderson, 92, Scottish athletics coach and television personality (Gladiators). 
• Erica Ash, 46, American actress (Mad TV, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Survivor’s Remorse), breast cancer. 
• Roberto Linguanotto, 81, Italian chef, disputed inventor of tiramisu. 
• Robert Banas, 90, American dancer and actor (West Side Story). 
• DJ Randall, 54, British DJ and record producer. 

In Other News

Miriam Margolyes has shared a health update as she experiences difficulty walking, due to problems with problems her spine. The 83-year-old Harry Potter actor has opened up about dealing with spinal stenosis – the narrowing of the spinal canal – which can cause compression on the spinal nerves. As the condition progresses, it can cause back and leg pain. Margolyes said that she is now registered as disabled and has started using a mobility scooter. “I can’t walk very well, and I’m registered disabled,” she told the Flying Monkeys. “I use all kinds of assistance. I’ve got two sticks and a walker and they’re such a bore, but I’ve just got a mobility scooter, which is a lot of fun.” Last year, the Australian actor underwent major heart surgery to replace her aortic valve, and has since shared concerns that she won’t have enough money to cover her health and medical support costs as she gets older. “I’m worried that I won’t have enough money for carers when I finally get paralysed or whatever it is that’s going to happen to me, I’m saving up cash so that I can pay people to look after me and my partner. We don’t have children, so I need to make sure I’m going to be looked after in the way that I’ve become accustomed. When I started kind of failing physically, I remember saying to directors and producers, please don’t show me clambering out of a car or climbing upstairs on my hands and knees. I didn’t want people to see that because I was embarrassed to see myself looking so pathetic. But, subsequently, I’ve met loads of people who have said I gave them the courage to do things that they never thought they could. So I’m very pleased about that.”  

Following on from last weeks story of the 23-year-old Australian surfer who survived having his leg bitten off by a suspected great white shark, he has vowed to be back in the water “in no time”. Kai McKenzie was attacked off the mid-north coast of New South Wales last week, and his severed leg later washed up on the beach. The limb was placed on ice and taken to a hospital about 200km away from the place where the attack took place, with the hope that it could be reattached. It’s not clear if doctors attempted surgery to reattach the leg, but an Instagram post by Mr McKenzie on Monday confirmed that he had lost the limb. “Spot something missing? Hahah,” Mr McKenzie quipped in a caption alongside an image showing him standing arm-in-arm with a group of friends. Mr McKenzie was taken to Port Macquarie Base Hospital and later flown to John Hunter Hospital in Newcastle after last Tuesday’s attack. He was riding the waves off the shore of New South Wales when a 10ft shark attacked and nearly killed him. In an earlier post on Instagram on Saturday he detailed the incident and thanked people for the support he received. “To be here right now just to fucking be able to hold my beautiful Eve and my family is everything to me,” he wrote. “A few days ago I went through a crazy shark attack, biggest shark I’ve ever seen, which was a very crazy scene and scared the living fuck out of me. But to all you fucking kind-hearted people, all you legends, to anyone and everyone all your support has meant the absolute world to me. I can tell you now if you know my personality this means fuck all. I’ll be back in that water in no time, big fuck off to that shark and big thanks to Steve for saving my life.” In a statement on Thursday, the McKenzie family also thanked all of the “medical staff … bystanders and first responders” who had worked to save the surfer’s life. 

Good Morning Britain contributor Iain Dale has shared an update on his health following the news earlier this week that he had been admitted to hospital with “acute pain”. The broadcaster, 62 – who’s made numerous appearances as a panelist on the ITV show over the years – announced just days ago that he had ended up in A&E over a suspected “gall bladder issue”. He however later told fans that he was in intensive care awaiting an operation to remove the organ. The LBC radio host took to Twitter, on Wednesday afternoon to share an update. He stated that his gallbladder is “infected and inflamed,” with Iain adding that his operation had been postponed amid other treatment. Addressing his followers, he wrote in the post: “FURTHER UPDATE: No sign of gallstones but gallbladder infected and inflamed. Decision on op put off until we see if antibiotics work.” He continued: “Hope to be discharged tomorrow, but won’t be at full capacity for some time, I’m told.” Iain also expressed gratitude to his followers for their well wishes and support. He concluded the recent tweet by writing: “Renewed thanks for all the kind comments and to the wonderful people who have been caring for me.” It comes just days after Iain shared that he was “suffering” due to his health recently. He initially took to the platform on Sunday to apologise to his followers for his “lack of interaction,” attributing it to a “bout of food poisoning”. 

On This Day

• 1693 – Date traditionally ascribed to Dom Perignon’s invention of champagne. 
• 1783 – Mount Asama erupts in Japan, killing about 1,400 people. The eruption causes a famine, which results in an additional 20,000 deaths.
• 1892 – The father and stepmother of Lizzie Borden are found murdered in their Fall River, Massachusetts home. She will be tried and acquitted for the crimes a year later. 
• 2020 – Beirut Port explosion: At least 220 people are killed and over 5,000 are wounded when 2,700 tons of ammonium nitrate explodes in Beirut, Lebanon.

Deaths

• 1875 – Hans Christian Andersen, Danish novelist, short story writer, and poet (b. 1805).
• 1962 – Marilyn Monroe, American model and actress (b. 1926).
• 1999 – Victor Mature, American actor (b. 1913).

How Lizzie Borden Got Away With Murder

The Lizzie Borden murder case is one of the most famous in American criminal history. New England’s major crime of the Gilded Age, its barbarity captivated the national press. And the suspected killer was immortalised by an eerie rhyme passed down through generations:

Lizzie Borden took an ax
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.

While the public largely believed that Borden committed the murders, the rhyme is not quite correct: the female victim was Borden’s stepmother, and the weapon wasn’t an ax, but rather a hatchet, a smaller, lighter tool. Also, the killer struck the victims around half as many times as stated in the rhyme, 19 blows rained down on 64-year-old Abby Borden, and 10 or 11 rendered the face of Lizzie Borden’s 69-year-old father, Andrew Borden, unrecognisable. Still, the rhyme does accurately record the sequence of the murders, which took place about an hour and a half apart on the morning of August 4th, 1892. 

In the early hours, after the discovery of the bodies, the public only knew that the assassin had struck the victims in broad daylight at their home on a busy street, one block from the town’s business district. There was no evident motive like robbery or sexual assault. Neighbours and passers-by heard nothing. No one saw a suspect enter or leave the Borden property.

Moreover, Andrew Borden was no ordinary citizen. Like other Fall River Bordens, he possessed wealth and standing. He had invested in mills, banks and real estate. But Andrew had never made a show of his good fortune. He lived on the unfashionable Second Street, in a modest house, now a spooky bed and breakfast, instead of on “The Hill,” Fall River’s lofty, leafy, silk-stocking enclave.

Lizzie Borden, then a 32-year-old who lived at home, longed to reside on The Hill. She knew her father could afford to move away from a neighbourhood increasingly dominated by Catholic immigrants. 

Police initially considered the killings the work of a man, probably a “foreigner.” Within a few hours of the murders, they arrested a suspect: an innocent Portuguese immigrant from the town’s new diaspora of European workers. 

On the day of the murders, Lizzie claimed that she’d come into the house from the barn and discovered her father’s body. She yelled for the Bordens’ 26-year-old Irish servant, Maggie Sullivan, who was resting in her third-floor room. She told Sullivan she needed a doctor and sent the servant across the street to the family physician’s house. He was not at home. 

Initially, this helped keep Lizzie off the suspect list. She was, after all, a Sunday school teacher at her wealthy Central Congregational Church. Members of her social class didn’t think a person like her would slaughter her parents. 

But during the interrogation, Lizzie’s answers to different police officers shifted. And her inability to summon a single tear aroused police suspicion. Then an officer discovered that Borden had tried to purchase deadly prussic acid from a nearby drugstore a day before the murders. 

Five days after the murders, authorities convened an inquest. Lizzie took the stand on each of its three days; the inquest was the only time she testified in court under oath.

Even more than the heap of inconsistencies that the police compiled, Lizzie’s testimony led her into a briar patch of seeming self-incrimination. She did not have a defence lawyer during what was a closed inquiry. But she was not without defenders. The family doctor, who staunchly believed in her innocence, testified that after the murders, he prescribed a double dose of morphine to help her sleep. Its side effects, he claimed, could account for her confusion. Her 41-year-old sister, Emma Borden, who also lived at home, claimed that the sisters harboured no anger toward their stepmother. 

However, authorities arrested Lizzie on August 11th, one week after the murders. The judge sent her to the county jail. This privileged suspect found herself confined to a cheerless 9.5-by-7.5-foot cell for the next nine months. 

Lizzie’s arrest provoked an uproar that quickly became national. Women’s groups rallied to her side, especially the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union and suffragists. Borden’s supporters protested that at trial, she would not be judged by a jury of her peers, as women did not have the right to serve on juries.

Lizzie’s upper-class status benefited her throughout her ordeal. During the preliminary hearing, one of Boston’s most prominent defence lawyers joined the family attorney to advocate for her innocence. 

Her attorneys stressed that the prosecution offered no murder weapon and possessed no bloody clothes. As to the prussic acid, Lizzie was a victim of misidentification, they claimed. In addition, throughout the saga, her legion of supporters remained steadfast that Lizzie’s guilt was culturally inconceivable: A well-bred, virtuous Victorian woman, a “Protestant nun,” to use the words of the national president of the temperance union, could never commit patricide. 

At the preliminary hearing, Lizzie’s defence attorney  delivered a rousing closing argument. Her partisans erupted into loud applause. It was to no avail. The judge determined she was ‘probably guilty’ and should remain jailed until a state Superior Court trial. 

Neither the attorney general, who typically prosecuted capital crimes, nor the district attorney was eager to haul Lizzie into Superior Court, though both believed in her guilt. There were holes in the police’s evidence. And while Lizzie’s place in the local order was unassailable, her arrest had also provoked a groundswell of support.

Though he did not have to, the district attorney brought the case before a grand jury in November. He was not sure he would secure an indictment. Twenty-three jurors convened to hear the case on the charges of murder. They adjourned with no action. Then the grand jury reconvened on December 1st and heard dramatic testimony. 

Alice Russell, a single, pious, 40-year-old member of Central Congregational, was Lizzie’s close friend. Shortly after Andrew Borden was killed, Lizzie sent Sullivan to summon Alice. She slept in the Borden house for several nights after the murders, with the brutalised victims stretched out on mortician boards in the dining room. Russell had testified at the inquest, the preliminary hearing and earlier before the grand jury. But she had never disclosed one important detail. Distressed over her omission, Russell returned to the grand jury. She testified that on the morning after the murders, Lizzie had pulled a dress from a shelf in the pantry closet and proceeded to burn it in the cast iron coal stove. The grand jury indicted Lizzie the next day. 

The district attorney perhaps underestimated the legal and cultural impediments he faced. With her father’s money in hand, Lizzie could afford the best legal team to defend her, including a former Massachusetts governor who had appointed one of the three justices who would preside over the case. That justice delivered a slanted charge to the jury, which one major newspaper described as “a plea for the innocent.” The justices took other actions that stymied the prosecution, excluding testimony about prussic acid because the prosecution had not refuted that the deadly poison could be used for innocent purposes. 

Not surprisingly, the jury quickly decided to acquit Lizzie. They waited for an hour so it would not appear they’d made a hasty decision. 

The courtroom audience, the bulk of the press and women’s groups cheered Lizzie’s acquittal. But her life was altered forever. Two months after the innocent verdict, the Borden sisters moved to a large Victorian house on The Hill. Yet many people there and in the Central Congregational Church shunned her. Lizzie became Fall River’s curio, followed by street urchins and stared down whenever she appeared in public. She withdrew to her home, but even there, neighbourhood kids pestered Lizzie with pranks. 

Lizzie enjoyed traveling to Boston, New York and Washington, D.C., dining in style and attending the theatre. She and her sister Emma had a falling out in 1904, and Emma left the house in 1905. The sisters never saw each other again. Both died in 1927, Lizzie first and Emma nine days later. Both were buried in the same plot as their father and stepmother.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Meghan Markle (43), Billy Bob Thornton (69), Barack Obama (63), Lee Mack (56), Evangeline Lilly (45), Stephen Graham (51), Martin Sheen (84), Steven Berkoff (87), John C. McGinley (65), Mamie Gummer (41), Sam Worthington (48), Edward Furlong (47), Kevin Smith (54), Jason Momoa (45), Daisy May Cooper (38), Wesley Snipes (62), Michael Biehn (68), Emilia Fox (50), Dean Cain (58), J.K. Rowling (59), Christopher Nolan (54), Arnold Schwarzenegger (77), Lisa Kudrow (61), Hilary Swank (50), Laurence Fishburne (63), Frances de la Tour (80), Terry Crews (56), Jean Reno (76), Carel Struycken (76), and Wil Wheaton (52).