Dead Pool 23rd June 2013

Welcome my morbid minions to another writing of the Dead Pool. Without doubt this weeks big news is James Gandolfini succumbing to a coronary at the relatively young age of 51. Unsurprisingly, none of you had him, although you would expect an Italian to manage a trip to Rome without keeling over from too much pasta and sunshine.

Look who you could have had:

• Mitsue Nagasaki, 113, Japanese supercentenarian, seventh-oldest person in the world.
• Michael Hastings, 33, American journalist (Rolling Stone, Newsweek, BuzzFeed), traffic collision.
• Slim Whitman, 90, American country singer-songwriter (“Indian Love Call“, “Rose Marie“), heart failure.
• John Hughes, 78, Welsh ceramicist, creator of Grogg.
• James Gandolfini, 51, American actor (The Sopranos, Where the Wild Things Are, Zero Dark Thirty), cardiac arrest.
• Lil Snupe, 18, American rap artist, shot.
• Allan Simonsen, 34, Danish racing driver, racing accident during 2013 24 Hours of Le Mans.

In other news

Murray Walker, the high octane Formula 1 commentator, has been diagnosed with cancer. The unfortunate 89 year old has a form of lymphatic cancer that was diagnosed during tests following a fall in which he broke his hip last month. Apparently they caught it early and are going ahead with chemotherapy. Good luck to the old codger but if I’m not very much mistaken, which I probably am, I’ll go out on a limb and say that he will see that chequered flag this year.

Alas I have to bring back Cunt of the Week. Without doubt it has to be Charles Saatchi for even thinking of raising a hand to Nigella Lawson. One has to ask what the hell is a pretty woman like her doing with a rich 70 year old misogynist, I’m sure it has nothing to do with his table manners. I’m sure you would all like to join me in wishing the old fuckwit unwell and here’s hoping he dies a miserable death so Nigella can have all that inherited cash for chocolate mousse, which I hope she films herself eating.  Other than throttling poor Nigella, the self styled ‘King of Brit-Art’ has a lot to answer for, making shit artists like Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin famous is enough for me, he really should have died in the 80’s.

The latest celebrity to get the death hoax is the great Alphonso Ribeiro, better known to most as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Seems a Facebook page set up to get sympathetic messages began the traction into the alleged demise of one of the most loved dancers of our generation. Luckily Alphonso is alive and well, but being American, who’s to say that the continuous diet high in fat and high fructose corn syrup, plus their despicable insurance led healthcare, could quite easily leave the 41 year old dead within a month for all we know…

Celebrity birthdays for the last week? Cindy Lauper (60), Nicole Kidman (46), Prince William (31), that makes me feel old, not as old as his bald head though… Meryl Streep (64), John Goodman (61), ripe for a heart attack; Brian Wilson (71), Lionel Richie (64), Kathleen Turner (59), Paul McCartney (71), Isabella Rossellini (61), Barry Manilow (70), Kris Kristofferson (77), Danny Aiello (80), Olympia Dukakis (82), Martin Landau (85), Salman Rushdie (66), so much for that fatwa, and Alison Moyet (52).

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next week peeps!