Dead Pool 1st September 2013

Here we are again, Sundays seem to turn around as quickly as a Cameron u-turn.  So, what’s happening in the world? Not a lot, some people died in Syria and nobody really gives a fuck, Miley Cyrus sluts herself on stage with Beetlejuice ands the world goes bonkers. Sadly the UK government have voted against sending the armed forces into Cyrus, which I’m sure she’d enjoy. I just feel for her dad, I bet he has an achy breaky heart when he sees how his daughter has turned out, maybe she’ll do something nice for his 52nd birthday, like cutting his hair, can’t be made much worse now can it?

And lo I wake up to the news that Sir David Frost has died, surprisingly, nobody had him, but it did mean I had to spend my breakfast time rewriting, the inconsiderate bastard! He could have waited a few more hours or at least die on a Saturday evening!

Look who you could have had:

• Julie Harris, 87, American Tony Award-winning actress (The Belle of Amherst, East of Eden, Knots Landing), heart failure.
• Mike Winters, 82, British comedian.
• William Froug, 91, American Emmy Award-winning television writer, producer (Bewitched, The Twilight Zone, Gilligan’s Island).
• Gerard Murphy, 64, British actor (Batman Begins, Doctor Who, Waterworld), prostate cancer.
• Cliff Morgan, 83, Welsh rugby player and broadcaster.
• Soledad Mexia, 114, Mexican-born American supercentenarian, oldest verified Mexican-born person and world’s fifth-oldest person, natural causes.
• Seamus Heaney, 74, Irish poet, laureate of the Nobel Prize in Literature (1995).
• John Mainstone, 78, Australian physics professor, custodian of the Pitch Drop Experiment, stroke.
• Sir David Frost, 74, British broadcaster (That Was the Week That Was, The Frost Report), heart attack.

In other news

Mike Tyson has finally admitted to himself that he has problems. Tyson told ESPN that he’s close to dying due to alcohol and drug abuse. The 47 year old ex-boxing champion and rapist wants to live a sober life and at the time of the interview he’d been six days dry. Not bad for the man who beat Frank Bruno into mental illness and obscurity. Know what I mean Harry.

Michael Douglas and Zeta Jones are taking ‘time apart’. Rumour has it they haven’t been seen together for over four months. After 13 years of marriage they seem to have finally realised they make a terrible couple. With the amount of illnesses they seem to have brought upon each other this may be bad news for us on the Dead  Pool, they might both recover. 🙁

In another crushing blow to everyones childhood memories, Rolf Harris has been officially charged with 13 counts of child abuse. I still cannot believe this to be true, but the strain of the whole thing could put the 83 year old ‘Animal Hospital’ presenter under undue pressure. He’s on suicide and heart attack watch. You would think The Queen would step in to save her longtime friend, but old Betty is keeping very quiet, especially since her friend Jimmy Savile got into the same pickle.

Nelson Mandela is still alive!!! Although my funny story about how he’s still in hospital had to be scrapped, the cunter decided he needs to go home. One can draw two conclusions from this. He’s feeling better and wants to go back to normality, or he’s going home to die. Now I’m not one to hedge my bets, but I’m going to give him four days!

Last weeks birthdays: Richard Gere (64), Macauley Culkin (33) still alive dammit!, Aaron Paul (34), Shania Twain (48), Sean Connery (83), Cameron Diaz (41), Billy Ray Cyrus (52), Jack Black (44), Claudia Schiffer (43), Van Morrison (68), Peter O’Toole (81), Leanne Rimes (31), Gene Simmons (64), Paul Reubens (61), Tim Burton (55), Elliott Gould (75), Warren Buffet (83), Chris Tucker (42), Elvis Costello (59), Rebecca DeMornay (54), Florence Welch (27), John McCain (77), Rachel Bilson (32) and Jason Priestly (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!