Dead Pool 19th January 2014

What’s all this Dave, you’ve got points to give out? Yes, Stu correctly guessed that Mae Young would depart for the spectral wrestling ring in the sky at the age of 90, thus garnering himself 60 points. Well done that bloke, only just missing out on the first death of the year.

We’ve also said goodbye to the longest list of notables for a while, there must have been something in the air last week but they’ve been dropping like flies! Poor old Trigger fell foul of the reaper and that litigious bastard, Lord McAlpine also departed us, which now makes Twitter a safer place to cast aspersions. We also lost the last female Munchkin, but I thought that happened last year, so maybe we will find another one soon enough.

Also I’d like to share this little story that Nickie found about John Button, Jenson’s father, one of the true characters left in F1.  Jenson was away for a few days and left his luxury home in the care of his father. He came back to find his dad asleep on the sofa. On waking him Jenson asks if he’s borrowed his watches as they weren’t in his bedroom. Or the car, as it wasn’t in the garage. And what happened to the TV that was on the wall? It seemed that John had been on such an epic drinking session that he didn’t notice the house being cleaned out as he slept on the sofa….

Look Who You Could Have Had:

• Sam Berns, 17, American high school student, progeria sufferer and documentary subject, progeria.
• Alexandra Bastedo, 67, British actress (The Champions) and animal welfare advocate, cancer.
• John Button, 70, British racing driver, suspected heart attack.
• John Horsley, 93, British actor (The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, The Box of Delights, ’).
• Frank Marth, 91, American actor (The Honeymooners, Hogan’s Heroes, Gunsmoke), heart failure and Alzheimer’s disease.
• Mae Young, 90, American professional wrestler, WWE Hall of Fame inductee (2008).
• John Dobson, 98, American astronomer.
• Roger Lloyd-Pack, 69, English actor (Only Fools and Horses, The Vicar of Dibley), pancreatic cancer.
• Cassandra Lynn, 34, American model, Playmate Miss February 2006, apparent drug overdose.
• Ruth Duccini, 95, American actress (The Wizard of Oz), natural causes.
• Russell Johnson, 89, American actor (Gilligan’s Island), kidney failure.
• Dave Madden, 82, Canadian-born American actor (The Partridge Family, Alice), heart and kidney failure.
• Hiroo Onoda, 91, Japanese Imperial Army WWII intelligence officer, did not surrender until 1974.
• Lord McAlpine of West Green, 71, British businessman, politician and author, Treasurer of the Conservative Party (1975–1990).
• Komla Dumor, 41, Ghanaian journalist and news presenter (BBC World News, Focus on Africa).

In Other News

France’s First Lady, Valerie Trierweiler, has left the Paris hospital where she was admitted a week ago after reports emerged of an affair between President Francois Hollande and an actress. Ms Trierweiler had been admitted to hospital on 10 January, in a reported state of shock at the allegations. Apparently she suffered an anxiety attack according to the French media and needed to be hospitalised for a week. Now I don’t know about you, but finding out a Frenchman is cheating on you is hardly a shock-worthy event. I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to suggest a suicide attempt.

Do I need to mention the ongoing cases of celebrity kiddie-fiddling? At this present time we have William Roache, Rolf Harris and Dave Lee Travis in court trying to defend themselves from allegations of fucking little children. True or not, those of us who have been following the stories as they unfold have certainly seen some devastating testimonies. Time will tell if they survive the mauling that the British Justice System is putting them through. You might need to keep an eye on Freddie Starr too, he’s been re-arrested as well. Dirty bastards!

Michel Roux, the Michelin star rated chef has revealed that he’s been secretly battling bowel cancer since 2008. The 72-year-old Frenchman is revered, alongside his brother, Albert, as one of the godfathers of modern restaurant cuisine in the UK, luckily for him his six year battle has ended with him being given the all clear. However, these things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads again from time to time. Best keep an eye on him.

Everyones favourite ‘musician’, Justin Bieber, is in trouble once again. This time he’s been accused of egging a neighbours house. Bit immature, but nothing you wouldn’t put past the little cunt. He almost injured a 13 year old girl as he was doing it! Almost, as in he didn’t.  His big mistake though was to forget to hide the cocaine at his house, obviously he feels that he’s bigger than the Los Angeles Police Department, whom I’m sure enjoyed every second of trashing his shitty little mansion. Let’s hope he goes down for his insolent behaviour and is made into a cock-sucking jail bitch and thus increasing the enjoyment of music for mankind.

Do you remember Hiroo Onoda? I do, he was the idiot who didn’t believe that WWII was over and continued to fight the war for a further 30 years! He was sent with some other units to the underpopulated Philippine island of Lubang in 1944. One year later, the Japanese Army dropped flyers to tell the soldiers that the war was over. Onoda believed that those papers were dropped by Allied planes and lived in the jungle for the next 29 years, the twat! When a backpacker named Norio Suzuki found him in 1974, Onoda refused to believe that WWII had ended in 1945. Suzuki returned to the island with the soldier’s ex-commander to tell him the truth. I bet he felt like a right cunt then. Anyhow, he’s dead now, so who cares…

Lastly, I’d just like to mention former Tory, now a UKIP councillor, David Silvester. He seems to believe that Britain’s recent storms and floods are “divine retribution for the government’s decision to legalise gay marriage”. He even warned David Cameron of this very likely outcome should the bill come to pass.  Now, I’m not one to bullshit anyone’s beliefs, but this cunt takes the biscuit. He’s an elected official in our government, yet he still believes that passing a law that he disagrees with has such cosmic ramifications that the Winter weather will change for the worse! People, before you sign your cross in the next election, please make sure you vote for someone who understands there’s no connection between two people who are in love and the weather. Being a bigoted cunt who doesn’t understand the causality of the seasons on this planet should be enough for you not to vote for him anyway.

On This Day

• 1840 – Captain Charles Wilkes circumnavigates Antarctica, claiming what became known as Wilkes Land for the United States.
• 1883 – The first electric lighting system employing overhead wires, built by Thomas Edison, begins service at Roselle, New Jersey.
• 1915 – Georges Claude patents the neon discharge tube for use in advertising.
• 1915 – World War I: German zeppelins bomb the towns of Great Yarmouth and King’s Lynn in the United Kingdom killing more than 20, in the first major aerial bombardment of a civilian target.
• 1935 – Coopers Inc. sells the world’s first briefs.
• 1937 – Howard Hughes sets a new air record by flying from Los Angeles, California to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes, 25 seconds.
• 1953 – 71.7% of all television sets in the United States are tuned into I Love Lucy to watch Lucy give birth.
• 1977 – Snow falls in Miami, Florida. This is the only time in the history of the city that snow has fallen. It also fell in the Bahamas.
• 1978 – The last Volkswagen Beetle made in Germany leaves VW’s plant in Emden. Beetle production in Latin America continues until 2003.
• 1983 – Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie is arrested in Bolivia.
• 1983 – The Apple Lisa, the first commercial personal computer from Apple Inc. to have a graphical user interface and a computer mouse, is announced.
• 1986 – The first IBM PC computer virus is released into the wild. A boot sector virus dubbed (c)Brain, it was created by the Farooq Alvi Brothers in Lahore, Pakistan, reportedly to deter piracy of the software they had written.
• 2012 – The Hong Kong-based file-sharing website Megaupload is shut down by the FBI.

Deaths

• 2000 – Hedy Lamarr, Austrian-American actress and mathematician (b. 1913)
• 2006 – Wilson Pickett, American singer-songwriter (The Falcons) (b. 1941)
• 2008 – John Stewart, American singer-songwriter and guitarist (The Kingston Trio) (b. 1939)

Only in America by KoA

In a story I’d normally sympathise with, a retired Florida policeman has been charged with murder after allegedly shooting a man who texted during a film. Authorities said Curtis Reeves, 71, and Chad Oulson, 43, got into an argument before the screening of the film Lone Survivor when Reeves asked Oulson to stop texting.

“Somebody throws popcorn. I’m not sure who threw the popcorn,” said witness Charles Cummings. “And then bang, he was shot.” Oulson told Reeves he was texting his three-year-old daughter and then they started arguing. Popcorn mind, nobody throws the popcorn!

Cummings, who had blood on his clothes, said the trailers before the film were still showing when the men started raising their voices and popcorn was thrown. The fucking film hadn’t even started yet! 

Authorities said Reeves took out a gun, Oulson’s wife put her hand over her husband and Reeves fired his weapon, striking Nichole Oulson in the hand and her husband in the chest.

“I can’t believe people would bring a pistol, a gun, to a movie,” Cummings said. I can, it’s fucking America!  “I can’t believe they would argue and fight and shoot one another over popcorn. Over a cellphone.” Again, it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest! 

Cummings said Oulson fell on to him and his son. Another man grabbed the gun, and the suspect did not attempt to get away. I’d have liked to see a 71 year old doing a runner though…

Chad Oulson died in hospital. His wife’s injuries were not life-threatening.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Michelle Obama (50), Kevin Costner (59), Kate Moss (40), Betty White (92), Orlando Bloom (37), Zooey Deschanel (34), Faye Dunaway (73), Jason Bateman (45), LL Cool J (46), Howard Stern (60), Rush Limbaugh (63), Melanie Chisholm (40), Dave Grohl (45), Kirstie Alley (63), Muhammad Ali (72), James Earl Jones (83), Kid Rock (43), Susanna Hoffs (55), Jim Carrey (52), Jason Segal (34), Pixie Lott (23), Carl Weathers (66), Skrillex (26) and Sade Adu (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!