2014

Dead Pool 17th August 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundAfternoon all. With  the sad loss of Robin Williams last week, this is one of those times that I don’t particularly like being the editor of this little publication, but onwards we must go. Obviously nobody had him on their lists, just goes to show how unexpected his death was and how loved he was by everyone, nobody picks the people they really like after all…

But as I said, time waits for no man, and it’s my duty to dole out the points nevertheless. Paula was the only one this year to have Lauren Bacall on her list, well done her. 81 points and off her duck for this year. As was pointed out to me earlier this week, with the death of Lauren Bacall, everyone who is named on Madonna’s song Vogue has now died! Sounds like she’s doing better than the rest of us at this little game. With little over four months left to go, we’re all struggling a bit, more than half of us are yet to score! Worry not though, Winter is coming…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

73403758cb102-night-of-a-thThe ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still progressing. The latest news is that his body is heading to Europe, specifically Oslo, as reported by Norwegian newspaper VG. A government official told the newspaper that an application to inter the remains of the DJ at the city has been lodged. Nobody seems to know why Oslo has been chosen, nobody in the Kasem family have ties to Norway whatsoever, but as we know, Kasem’s widow is somewhat unhinged. Let’s watch and see how it all unfolds! 

Bt9-cF9IAAEtFvO.jpg-largeTalking about Norway, the most prestigious international tournament in chess, The Chess Olympiad in Tromsøat, in which the world’s top players compete alongside amateurs to win honours for their country, has ended on a sombre note after two players died suddenly within hours of each other, one while he was in the middle of a match. Kurt Meier, 67, a Swiss-born member of the Seychelles team, collapsed on Thursday afternoon during his final match of the marathon two-week contest. Despite immediate medical attention at the scene he died later in hospital. Hours later, a player from Uzbekistan who has not yet been named was found dead in his hotel room. The Norwegian police and the event’s organisers said on Friday they were not treating the deaths as suspicious…  

lou-doillon-vs-celine-dionIn a boon to music, Céline Dion has cancelled all concert dates, including a major upcoming tour, in order to care for her husband, their family, and associated health issues. The singer will postpone all show business activities for the indefinite future, explaining that the day-to-day challenges were just too much. Dion’s main concern is her husband, 72-year-old René Angélil, who had a cancerous tumour removed last December. Our concern is that she returns to the stage. But Dion is herself fighting an undisclosed illness. It has caused “inflammation in her throat muscles”, there’s a crass joke there, I’ll let you make it.  

article-2379981-1B0447F4000005DC-776_634x837That little cunt, Justin Bieber, has agreed to take anger management classes after pleading guilty to careless driving and resisting arrest in Miami. The ‘singer’ was held by police in Florida in January after a street drag race. Prosecutors agreed to drop a charge of driving under the influence in exchange for the guilty pleas. Bieber’s also agreed to pay court fees and give £30,000 to charity. A very lenient sentence indeed, I’d have had him castrated and force fed his little cock and balls to him in front of his adoring fans, who he has such disdain for he spits at them. Cunt!  

Music - Status Quo - Wembley ArenaFollowing the cancellation of six tour dates, details of Rick Parfitts medical condition have been revealed. Results from tests confirm that the Status Quo members health was recently impaired by a problem regarding his quadruple heart bypass in 1997. Tests carried out at the Royal Brompton Hospital in London showed that one of the grafts inserted during his original quadruple heart bypass had become “furred”, but the situation “has been remedied by the insertion of a stent and Rick is now recuperating.” Woo! 

Untitled-1Frank Maloney, the transsexual former boxing promoter who guided Lennox Lewis to the world heavyweight title, tried to kill herself as she struggled to cope with her secret life, it has emerged. The 61-year-old – now known as Kellie – took a mixture of alcohol and prescription pills following the collapse of her marriage due to her wish to live as a woman. Maloney’s comments come after she went public with her new female identity. As a former Ukip candidate who is twice married and has three daughters, said she had been living as a female for more than a year. Fair play to her, but let’s be honest here, I wouldn’t shag her.  

ezheadshothersmanNobody has ever heard of this cunt, but Ethan Zuckerman has a lot to answer for. He’s the chap who invented and programmed the vexatious form of online advertising now known as the Pop-up!!! Last week he admitted his sin and even admits that he’s frustrated by them himself. I’ve never wished ill will upon anyone, but if anyone runs into this arsehole, do the world a favour.  

Wang the polar bearAnd finally, Wang, the last polar bear in Africa, has died at Johannesburg Zoo after months of “pining” for his longtime mate who passed away earlier this year, the bear’s keepers have said. The 30-year-old polar bear was said to be heartbroken and depressed after the death of a female named GeeBee in January. The two bears had shared an enclosure for 27 years. Wang was suffering heart and liver failure, and on Wednesday veterinarians made the “very tough decision” to euthanise him. Thankfully, Johannesburg Zoo officials say the polar bears will not be replaced, a decision made in partnership with other African zoos, which is the first bit of common sense I have heard anyone speak this year. Fucking Polar Bears in Africa, you’re having a laugh! 

On This Day

Deaths

The Biggest Threats to Human Existence: Part 2 by KoA

1. Bioengineered Pandemic 

biohazard_warningsNatural pandemics have killed more people than wars. However, natural pandemics are unlikely to be existential threats: there are usually some people resistant to the pathogen, and the offspring of survivors would be more resistant. Evolution also does not favour parasites that wipe out their hosts, which is why syphilis went from a virulent killer to a chronic disease as it spread in Europe.

Unfortunately we can now make diseases nastier, and we all know some cunt out there will have a go. One of the more famous examples is how the introduction of an extra gene in Mousepox – the mouse version of Smallpox – made it far more lethal and able to infect vaccinated individuals. Recent work on bird flu has demonstrated that the contagiousness of a disease can be deliberately boosted.

Right now the risk of somebody deliberately releasing something devastating is low. But as biotechnology gets better and cheaper, more groups will be able to make diseases worse, and there’s nothing we can do to stop them!!

10f0039Most work on bio-weapons have been done by governments looking for something controllable, because wiping out humanity is not militarily useful, yet. But there are always some people who might want to do things  because they can. Others have higher purposes. For instance, the Aum Shinrikyo cult tried to hasten the apocalypse using bio-weapons beside their more successful nerve gas attack. Some people think the Earth would be better off without humans, and so on…

The number of fatalities from bioweapon and epidemic outbreaks attacks looks like it has a power-law distribution – most attacks have few victims, but a few kill many. Given current numbers the risk of a global pandemic from bioterrorism seems very small. But this is just bioterrorism: governments have killed far more people than terrorists with bio-weapons (up to 400,000 may have died from the second world war Japanese bio-war program). And as technology gets more powerful in the future nastier pathogens become easier to design. Yay!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Jennifer Lawrence (24), Ben Affleck (42), Madonna (56), Steve Carell (52), Mila Kunis (31), Steve Martin (69), Halle Berry (48), Hulk Hogan (61), Antonio Banderas (54), Debra Messing (46), Chris Hemsworth (31), George Hamilton (75), James Cameron (60), Julie Newmar (81), Princess Anne (64), Magic Johnson (55), David Crosby (73), Pete Sampras (43) and Rosanna Arquette (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 10th August 2014

Dead Pool Background

Afternoon poolers, we have a point scorer!!! Dave guessed that Chapman Pincher would die and thus gains himself 50 points! Well done that man, boosting himself up to 9th place!  I have also taken the time to double check the lists for missed names and I have done a disservice to two of you. Martin and Liz, your scores are now where they should be as I missed that you had Dora Bryan, Sally Farmiloe and Sid Caesar respectively, all of which we covered in previous iterations of the newsletter. Remember, a lot of you have obscure names on your lists, so if you see that I have missed one of yours, please say so. I’m good, but not infallible.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

article-2714772-1DE84D5C00000578-758_306x423The ongoing saga of Casey Kasem is still in the news. His remains  are still missing, presumed to be in a funeral home somewhere in Canada. But the latest news is that his wife has now lost support from her lawyers who have left her without legal representation and a large bill because she’s a mad cow. Jane Kasem is now being turned into a recluse with mounting debts over the debacle, all because she wants to hide the fact she abused the voice of Shaggy during his final years. Takes all sorts…

pilote-d’hélicoptèreIn a twist of misfortune, the man suspected to be responsible for stealing Michael Schumacher’s medical files has been found dead! The man, who has not been named, was a manager at Swiss air rescue firm Rega and had been arrested on Tuesday but denied the accusations. However, there must have been some guilt there as he was later found hanged in his cell on Wednesday morning. The stolen records were apparently being offered to media across Europe for 50,000 euros (£40,000, $68,000). Not a lot of money to die over, twat.

lady-gaga-hospital-selfieSinger Lady GaGa was hospitalised due to altitude sickness last week. She sought medical attention after performing at her ‘artRave: The ARTPOP Ball’ tour in Denver, Colorado, where altitude sickness is common due to thinner air. I suppose we can forgive her delicateness, the average altitude mean of Colorado is twice the height of Snowdon, no wonder its called the Mile High City! In the photo taken from her hospital bed, a wide-eyed Gaga can be seen with her oxygen mask upside down, but she is expected to perform at her next concert in Seattle on Friday, hopefully the right way up.

On This Day

Deaths

Executions 101 by KoA

_76804652_compositeWith all the recent furore in the media over the botched executions in America, I thought we’d take a look at how we used to do it over here in Good Old Blighty. As it happens, it was 50 years this month that the last executions were carried out in the UK.

Gwynne Evans and Peter Allen, two petty criminals who killed a man in a bungled burglary, were the last two people to be executed for murder in the Britain.

Justice came swiftly. The trial of 24-year-old Evans and Allen, who was 21, began on 23rd June at Manchester Assizes. On 7th July the men were found guilty and sentenced under the 1957 Homicide Act to suffer death “in the manner prescribed by law”.

_76810574_noose-and-sandbagTheir appeal was heard just two weeks later – and dismissed the next day. A final appeal for clemency was rejected by the Home Secretary on 11th August. Less than five weeks elapsed by then. The speed of the process, even with two lives at stake, was not unusual. A delay covering three Sundays between sentencing and execution was all the law stipulated.

In the UK, an executioner and his assistant were expected to carry out their grisly duties in moments. On the stroke of 8am they would enter the condemned cell, strap the prisoner’s arms behind his back and lead him to the gallows. The whole procedure often took less than 10 seconds from the hangmen entering the cell to the prisoner dropping to his death! A far cry from the two hours endured by last week’s Joseph Wood by lethal injection. I know which one I’d rather suffer.

Last Week’s Birthdays

gillian-anderson-at-the-weinstein-company-golden-globe-2014-after-party_2Tony Bennett (88), Martin Sheen (74), Martha Stewart (73), James Hatfield (51), Evangeline Lilly (35), Billy Bob Thornton (59), Barack Obama (53), Loni Anderson (69), M. Night Shyamalan (44), Geri Halliwell (42), Michelle Yeoh (52), David Duchovny (53), Charlize Theon (39), Dustin Hoffman (77), Roger Federer (33), Princess Beatrice (26), Sam Elliott (70), Melanie Griffith (57), Rhona Mitra (38), Eric Bana (46), Gillian Anderson (46), Audrey Tautou (38), Tobin Bell (72),  Barbara Windsor (77), John Landis (64) and Anna Kendrick (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 3rd August 2014

Dead Pool Background

Welcome all to yet another edition of the Dead Pool Newsletter, and for once a worthy celebrity for our attentive needs has decided to die before I have finished writing the bloody thing and not after I have pressed the send button! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have sent interesting articles for the newsletter, it’s very appreciated, and you will see them slowly trickling through to print eventually, so please keep sending them in! I’d rather have a backlog of stories than sitting here with writers block crying into my wine. Without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News 

Rock band Status Quo have been forced to cancel six concerts on their European tour because of illness affecting guitarist Rick Parfitt. The group had been due to play in Pula, Croatia, where Parfitt, 65, is now in hospital receiving treatment. No details have been given about his condition but the band’s manager, Simon Porter, said Status Quo did not “cancel shows lightly”. “In this instance we have no option but to follow medical advice,” he said. Parfitt had a quadruple heart bypass in 1997 after doctors said he was in danger of dying as a result of his lifestyle. After surgery, Parfitt said he was not planning on becoming a “born-again Christian” and would still have the “odd pint”. Unbelievably, the band have recorded 64 British hit singles since 1968, more than any other band. 

Orlando-Bieber_2990661bActor Orlando Bloom allegedly took a swing at the Canadian ‘singer’ Justin Bieber at a restaurant in Ibiza in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Details as to what kicked off the mini-fight are hazy. Some say Bloom refused to shake Bieber’s hand and then tried to land a punch as he walked away. Others, that Bieber provoked Bloom with a comment about sleeping with the Lord of the Rings actor’s ex-wife, the model Miranda Kerr. What happened after, however, is well documented. In a video of the aftermath, Bieber can be heard shouting, “What’s up, bitch?” to his supposed love-rival. Not content with that zinger, he then took to Instagram to post a picture of Miranda Kerr in a bathing suit, followed by another of Bloom crying. As with all the best social media missives, the post of Kerr in her bikini has since been deleted. Nobody comes out of this with their dignity intact. Not weak-punch-cry-baby Legolas, nor baby-baby-baby-instagram-burn Bieber. However my estimation of Bloom has increased sevenfold.  

30184_web_mcgroarty_large_obit_photo_20140725Not that you would know the chap, but Kevin McGroarty, a longtime veteran of the advertising industry died on July 22nd. He had a certain way with words as his farewell proved as he announced that he’d recently moved into his “new address” at Mount Olivet Cemetery. News of his relocation is among the many gems in McGroarty’s obituary, written by the man himself. About 300 people attended McGroarty’s memorial service Monday, though there’s no mention how many were present for the “brief rant of how the government screwed up all of the Bugs Bunny Cartoons trying to censor violence” which was presented by his attorney.

On This Day

Deaths

Struck by Lightning by KoA

Lightning_hits_treeIt’s a type of death that is apparently so rare it has become a metaphor for extremely bad luck. A lightning strike hit Venice beach in Los Angeles on Sunday afternoon, killing a man in his 20s, leaving another in a critical condition and injuring a dozen more.

According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, it was the 15th death by lightning strike in the US this year. However, it represents a steady decrease year-on-year, possibly due to the fall in the numbers of people working outdoors and improvements in health and safety. In 2006, the overall number for the year was 48 and stood at 35 by this time in July.

Most victims are men, with 223 male deaths compared with 53 female deaths since 2006. Perhaps Thor hates men more than women… Thirteen of the total died on beaches, so you now know where not to be during a storm. 

Almost two-thirds were people enjoying outdoor activities, although the common belief that golfers make up a high number of victims of lightning does not hold up when you look at the figures. Between 2006 and 2013, fishermen accounted for more than three times as many deaths as golfers, which is a shame as golfers deserve death more than fishermen just for wearing stupid clothes in my book.

spain_lightning_fishermanIn the eight years since 2006, the US have  recorded 30 fishing deaths, 16 camping deaths and 14 boating deaths from lightning strikes. Of the sports activities, football saw the highest number of deaths with 12, compared with golf’s eight fatalities. Twelve people were killed working in gardens and 14 people died working on a farm. It’s a shame that the lighting hasn’t taken out a few more Premiership footballers if you ask me…

Summer is the peak time for lightning deaths. More than 70% occurred in June, July and August, with Saturdays and Sundays the most deadly. 

doubleBut just because these numbers seem a lot does not mean it is common. NOAA puts the odds of being killed by lightning in any given year at 1 in 1.9m and the odds of being struck in your lifetime at 1 in 12,000. In comparison, the odds for winning the jackpot on the Lotto is 1 in 13,983,816. But you would have the same chance of being born with Downs Syndrome or hitting a hole in one at 1 in 12,000 too. 

The UK has fewer deaths from lightning strikes. According to the tornado and storm research organisation (Torro) database, 30 to 60 people are struck by lightning each year, with an average annual death toll of less than five. Lightning strikes tend to be concentrated in the south-east, Yay! Death to all Londeners! because of the warmer average temperatures. East Anglia is most likely to experience thunderstorms, according to the Met Office, and north-west Scotland the least likely.

So, if you intend to stay alive during the next thunder storm, don’t play go fishing around Norwich this month! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Dean Cain (48), J.K. Rowling (49), Wesley Snipes (52), Lisa Kudrow (51), Laurence Fishburne (53), Arnold Schwarzenegger (67), Paul Anka (73), Wes Craven (75), Kevin Smith (44), Edward Furlong (37), Sam Worthington (38), Jason Monma (35), Sam Mendes (49), Michael Biehn (58), Christopher Nolan (44), Hilary Swank (40),  Jean Reno (66), Richard Linklater (54), Frances de la Tour (70), Carel Struycken (66), Wil Wheaton (42), David Warner (73) and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (44).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 27th July 2014

Dead Pool Background

Afternoon all, bit of a slow week I’m afraid, but who are we to let that get us down?! So, in a fit of utter malaise I’m going to down a bottle of vino and write a lot of what most of you will describe as piffle. Hey, what’s new I hear you say… Onwards and upwards!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

050506_gtree_refIn a terrible twist of fate, a pine tree planted in Los Angeles to commemorate the late-Beatles star George Harrison has died – after being consumed by beetles. Planted as a sapling in 2004 near the Griffith Observatory, the tree stood 10-feet high but died recently as a result of an insect infestation by bark beetles and ladybugs. The George Harrison Tree was chosen as an appropriate memorial for the Beatle, who died of lung cancer in L.A. in 2001 at the age of 58, because of his love of plants, gardening and nature. L.A. councilman Tom LaBonge, who represents the area, said that the tree would be replanted. He said Harrison, who had a well-developed sense of humour, “likely would have been amused by the irony”. I reckon Paul McCartney should be worried too, he looks like a piece of treen nowadays.

Michael-Schumacher-650x487Good old Michael Schumacher is able to  communicate with his family by moving his eyelids, and could return home by the end of the month according to reports. In what can only be called a remarkable turnaround for the Formula 1 champion, doctors believe that he’ll be able to sit upright in an advanced wheelchair which he can control via his mouth within weeks! I bet he’s thrilled by the prospect. Someone do the guy a favour and smother him with a pillow, I know I’d prefer it, plus we’d score a few points!

Mo+Farah+m88ObfWU5G6mDouble Olympic gold medallist Mo Farah has withdrawn from the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow after failing to recover from a recent illness. The 31 year old was set to run both the 5k and 10k in Scotland but couldn’t be fucked it seems. I know how he feels, sometimes I find it too hard to get up from the couch to fetch another packet of hobnobs and a cup of tea, let alone run in a big circle for hours for no apparent reason. The Team England athlete said it was a “tough decision”, adding: “The sickness I had two weeks ago was a big setback.” Not once actually saying what the illness was, probably had a spicy kebab I expect.

73403758cb102-night-of-a-thThe continuing saga of the missing Kasem is still ongoing. As reported in a newsflash in last week’s newsletter, our US super sleuth is now hot on the trail of Casey Kasem’s missing corpse. It seems that his remains were taken from a funeral home in Tacoma by his widow, so his distraught kids have no idea where the rotting clump of meaty flesh and bone is now residing. Asked why Casey’s widow, Jean Kasem, might be hiding his father’s corpse from his children, Mike Kasem said that she’s “demonstrated what we have known for 30 years: She’s bat-shit crazy.” It is thought that the blob that used to be one of America’s most famous DJ’s and the voice of many of our favourite cartoon characters is somewhere in Canada.

On This Day

Deaths

  • 1981William Wyler, French-American director, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1902)
  • 1984James Mason, English actor, producer, and screenwriter (b. 1909)
  • 2003 – Bob Hope, English-American actor, singer, and producer (b. 1903)
  • 2012 – Tony Martin, American actor and singer (b. 1913)

The Biggest Threats to Human Existence: Part 1 by KoA

1.Nuclear War 

nuclear-bomb-explosionWhile only two nuclear weapons have been used in war so far – at Hiroshima and Nagasaki during the Second World War – and nuclear stockpiles are down from their the peak they reached in the cold war, it is a mistake to think that nuclear war is impossible. In fact, it’s probably a massive option at the moment since the downing of Flight 17 over the Ukraine.

The Cuban missile crisis was very close to turning nuclear. If we assume one such event every 69 years and a one in three chance that it might go all the way to being nuclear war, the chance of such a catastrophe increases to about one in 200 per year.

Worse still, the Cuban missile crisis was only the most well-known case. The history of Soviet-US nuclear deterrence is full of close calls and dangerous mistakes. The actual probability has changed depending on international tensions, but it seems implausible that the chances would be much lower than one in 1,000 per year, which is the same probability of you missing your mouth whilst trying to drink wine and type something at the same time. 

A full-scale nuclear war between major powers would kill hundreds of millions of people directly or through the near aftermath – an unimaginable disaster. But that is not enough to make it an existential risk.

Similarly the hazards of fallout are often exaggerated – potentially deadly locally, but globally a relatively limited problem. Cobalt bombs were proposed as a hypothetical doomsday weapon that would kill everybody with fallout, but are in practice hard and expensive to build and they are physically just barely possible, so why go to the extra trouble when an old dirty bomb will do?

Liberty3The real threat is nuclear winter – that is, soot lofted into the stratosphere causing a multi-year cooling and drying of the world. Modern climate simulations show that it could prevent any agriculture across much of the world for years. If this  scenario occurs billions would starve, leaving only scattered survivors that might be picked off by other threats such as disease. The main uncertainty is how the soot would behave: depending on the kind of soot the outcomes may be very different, and we currently have no good ways of estimating this.

So it seems that the Planet of the Apes scenario is still very possible! 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Robin Williams (63), Willem Dafoe (59), Danny Glover (68), Summer Glau (33), Anna Paquin (32), Jennifer Lopez (45), Monica Lewinsky (41), Daniel Radcliff (25),  Matt LeBlanc (48), Mick Jagger (71), Helen Mirren (69), Kevin Spacey (55), Sandra Bullock (50), Kate Beckinsale (41), Jason Statham (47), Lynda Carter (63), Danny Dyer (37), Woody Harrelson (53), Charisma Carpenter (44), Ronny Cox (76), Slash (49), Terrence Stamp (76), Rhys Ifans (47), Louise Fletcher (80), Stephan Mangan (42), Paloma Faith (33), Ross Kemp (50) and Diana Rigg (76).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 20th July 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome all, hope you all  haven’t drowned or been  hit by lightning this weekend,  it would be a terrible thing to have to announce to the minions that you had died, clutching vigorously to your toilet seat in a rictus from being hit by the wrath of Thor! Anyhow, as you may have guessed, no points to be awarded this week but plenty to read and discuss and an amusing contribution from Liz, which I hope you will all enjoy!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

henry-kissingerFormer US secretary of state and Nobel peace prize winner Henry Kissinger underwent heart surgery at a New York City hospital on Tuesday and was resting comfortably, hospital officials said. Kissinger, 91, underwent an aortic valve replacement procedure, according to the New York-Presbyterian Hospital. There are no reports as to how it went, but being 91, it’s not going to end well one would expect. Watch this space! 

96617991-School_217009cYou may have been especially observant this week and noticed that the Assisted Dying Bill has been in the news, with notables such as Patrick Stewart and Desmond Tutu backing the bill, for obvious reasons… But what you might have missed was the admission by Chris Woodhead, the former chief inspector of schools, who said that he considered starving and dehydrating himself to death after he was diagnosed with cancer and kidney stones in addition to the motor neurone disease he has had since 2006. The former schools inspector has said previously that he would rather spend his final hours with family enjoying good food and wine and listening to Beethoven than travelling to the Dignitas centre in Switzerland. Let’s hope it gets passed, surely we’ll be able to score a few more points then, also great doctors like Harold Shipman wouldn’t be arrested for doing their jobs…  

140513-casey-kasem-1517_87dff93130d489deaf517658b8371653DJ Casey Kasem has still not been laid to rest a month after his death due to a legal wrangle amongst his family. A Washington state judge granted a temporary court order to Kasem’s daughter, preventing his second wife from removing his remains from a funeral home in Tacoma. His daughter Kerri Kasem has expressed concerns that his body could be cremated or taken to Canada by his widow Jean, negating the possibility of a post-mortem, even though she herself authorised the retention of food, liquids and medication from him against the wishes of his wife of 34 years, so finding the cause of death isn’t going to be hard. The children from the 82-year-old’s first marriage are hoping to bury him in California in accordance with his final wishes, let’s see what occurs. 

*NEWS FLASH* My super secret intrepid reporter says that Kasem’s body is now officially missing!!! 

On This Day

Deaths

A Cheerful Rhyme…. by LizzyWelshCake

Death can be slow
Death can be quick
An evil disease
Or a whack with a stick
Choke on a bone
Skid in the rain
Bleed to death from
An exploding vein
Alcoholic poisoning
From too much rum
Red hot pokers
Shoved up your bum
Hung drawn and quartered
Burnt alive
No water in the pool
When you took a dive
Bitten by a snake
Stood on a rake
Not enough water
Or too much cake
Stayed in the sun
A bit too long
An ambitious sex game
That just went wrong
Only one thing
Left to be said
One day we’ll all
Be fucking dead

Bizarre Victorian Deaths, Part 3 by KoA

6. Torn to pieces by cats

_71735015_women-catsYou know how it is. You get a cat, seeking companionship and amusement, and are rewarded with the occasional tea-time display of self-serving affection. It’s charming, so you get another. And one more. Pretty soon, your home makes visitors’ eyes sting. People stop calling by. You let your hair grow wild. You enthusiastically take up muttering. In 1870, in Iran, a rich eccentric lady had cheerfully embarked on much this kind of path, breeding and buying cats to her heart’s content and passing her days in an agreeable if malodorous blur of purrs. Then disaster struck. A fire broke out, and as it swept through the house, the cats were trapped behind a door. Two maids were sent to free them, but the blaze had driven the beasts berserk. The instant the door was opened, they flew at the unfortunate young women, tearing, scratching and biting them in a frenzy. Their injuries were so severe, they both died.

7. Drowned by decorum

The late Victorians and the Edwardians lived through a domestic revolution. Theirs was a bold and exciting age of innovation, groundbreaking discoveries and dramatic scientific changes, many of which altered life at home in profound ways – including some that were terrible and unforeseen. We all know the cliches. The Victorians were a bunch of hidebound, thin-lipped, punctilious, moralising, etiquette-obsessed fun-sponges who would reach for the smelling salts at the mere glimpse of a table leg. It’s a wild generalisation, of course. But sometimes – to revert to another cliche – cliches are true. There’s proof. In 1892, in Bermuda, a party of sailors were returning to their ship by steamboat, having been on shore leave in the capital. Sailors being sailors, there was an argument. The row turned into a fight. One man went overboard. A marine began to strip off to save him, but was ordered immediately to stop by an officer who had spotted a boat with ladies on it nearby. “The ladies in the boat manifested every description of sympathy with the unfortunate man,” reported the Western Daily Press, “but seemed altogether opposed to the idea of an ordinary man springing into the sea unless duly and sufficiently attired in the garments which fashion rather than common sense has decided to be proper.” The increasingly frantic efforts of the sailor to keep afloat suddenly concentrated minds. The officer asked for volunteers. Five men at once leapt to the rescue, but the sailor had drowned.

8. Killed by a drunken bear 

Bears-Drink-Cabin-BeersA quick quiz. You are offered a bear to keep as a pet. Do you:

1. Turn it down. It’s cruel to keep a bear as a pet
2. Accept it. Perhaps you might teach it to drink booze too

In Vilna (now Vilnius), then in Russia, in 1891, there was a man who would have answered B). The bear was large but tame, but it had a taste for vodka. One day it bustled into a village tavern and grabbed a keg of vodka. The owner of the inn, Isaack Rabbanovitch, objected, and tried to snatch it back. It would be an understatement to say this was an error. In the chaotic scenes that ensued the infuriated animal hugged to death the tavern keeper, then did the same to his two sons and daughter. The villagers found the drunken animal asleep on the floor in a pool of blood and alcohol, surrounded by its victims. The bear was immediately shot.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Patrick Stewart (74), Harrison Ford (72), Cheech Marin (68), Linda Ronstadt (68), Diane Kruger (38), Will Ferrell (47), Corey Feldman (43), Donald Sutherland (79), David Hasselhof (62), Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (67), James Brolin (74), Elizabeth McGovern (53), Vin Diesel (47), Kristen Bell (34), Richard Branson (64), John Glenn (93), Jared Padalecki (32), Benedict Cumberbatch (38), Bill Cosby (77), Anna Friel (38), Jackie Earle Haley (53), Harry Dean Stanton (88), Kyle Gass (54), David Mitchell (40), Forest Whitaker (53), Brigitte Nelson (51), Jan-Michael Vincent (70), Celia Imrie (62) and Paul Verhoeven (76).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 13th July 2014

Dead Pool Background

Afternoon all, whether you like it or not, welcome once again to the weekly round-up of celebrity demises. As you will see below, lots of what I would call very minor celebrities have actually died, alas, due to their mediocrity nobody has scored a single point! Maybe we’ll have better luck over the next week. So without further ado…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

The wife of Michael Schumacher claims the seven-times Formula One world champion is slowly improving after spending six months in a  coma following head injuries sustained in a skiing accident. Corinna Schumacher made her first public appearance this week since her husband was involved in the accident in the French Alpine resort of Méribel. Speaking to German women’s magazine, Neue Post, Corinna was quoted as saying: “He’s getting better, slowly certainly, but in any case he’s improving.” The 45-year-old driver is currently undergoing what is described as “a long phase of rehabilitation”, should we read that as dribbling into his baby food?

tracy-morganTracy Morgan is suing Walmart over the crash that seriously injured him and killed a fellow comedian. The lawsuit, filed on Thursday in a US district court in New Jersey, claims Walmart was negligent when a driver of one of its tractor-trailers rammed into Morgan’s limousine van. The complaint claims the retail giant should have known the driver had been awake for more than 24 hours, and that his commute of 700 miles from his home in Georgia to work in Delaware was “unreasonable. It also alleges the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Nothing like making money out of your friend’s death Tracy, well done that man!

The former Archbishop of Canterbury, Lord Carey, says he will support legislation that would make it legal for terminally ill people in England and Wales to receive help to end their lives. Lord Carey said that he has dropped his opposition to the Assisted Dying Bill “in the face of the reality of needless suffering”. But the current Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has called the bill “mistaken and dangerous”. Insisting it would not be “anti-Christian” to change the law, Lord Carey said the current situation risked “undermining the principle of human concern which should lie at the heart of our society”. He added: “Today we face a central paradox. In strictly observing the sanctity of life, the Church could now actually be promoting anguish and pain, the very opposite of a Christian message of hope.” Who’d have thought that a religious leader would actually talk sense for once?!?!

sad_thickeAnd finally, we’re putting Robin Thicke on suicide watch. Whether due to bad reviews or a feminist backlash, the Blurred Lines singer’s album has sold  fewer copies than ‘worst record of 2013’ and is well on its way to becoming the biggest musical flop of the decade. With 530 copies sold in the UK, 550 sold in Canada and fewer than 54 sold in Australia, Thicke’s latest album Paula has become the laughing stock of the music industry in just one week. Paula’s failure to chart was directly related to Thicke’s use of the album as a plea to get back his recently separated wife, after whom the album is named. She hates it, we hate it, bye Robin, wasn’t all that nice knowing you…

On This Day

Deaths

Serial Killers That Have Never Been Caught by KoA

In a new series suggested by Nickie, we’ll be having a look at those seriously deranged murderers out there who are still at large, still very capable of finding and doing nasty things to you. If that isn’t enough to fuck you over, please read  on!

64407211172634494The Connecticut River Valley killer was/still is an unidentified killer believed responsible for a series of similar knife murders mostly in and around Claremont, New Hampshire in the 1980’s.

In 1985 and 1986, the skeletal remains of two women were recovered within about a thousand feet of each other in a wooded area in Kelleyville, New Hampshire. The condition of the remains made the cause of death difficult to determine, but certain factors pointed to multiple stab wounds. Between the recovery of the first and second bodies, a 36-year old woman was stabbed to death in a frenzied attack inside her home in Saxtons River, Vermont. Ten days later, the remains of the third missing woman were found; postmortem examination revealed evidence of multiple stab wounds.

At this point, investigators began examining prior homicides in the area and found two previous cases, in 1978 and 1981, that further reinforced the presence of a burgeoning serial killer. At the peak of the investigation, and after additional homicides and one non-fatal attack, investigators noted similarities in modus operandi, oft-used dump sites, and specific wound patterns that linked many of the murders, suggesting a common perpetrator.

Seven homicides are commonly cited as being conclusively linked to the Connecticut River Valley killer, all women, all stabbed multiple times.

Jane_boroskiThe killings remained unsolved and had apparently stopped when, late in the evening on August 6, 1988, 22-year old Jane Boroski, seven months pregnant, was returning from a county fair in Keene, New Hampshire, when she stopped at a closed convenience store in West Swanzey to purchase cola from a vending machine. Boroski returned to her car and began drinking the beverage when she took notice of a Jeep Wagoneer parked next to her. Via her rear-view mirror, Boroski then saw the driver of the vehicle walking around the back of her vehicle. He then approached her open window and asked her if the pay phone was working, at which time he immediately grabbed her and pulled her from the vehicle. Boroski struggled, and the man accused her of beating up his girlfriend and asked if she had Massachusetts plates on her car. Boroski responded that she had New Hampshire plates, but this did not deter her attacker, who proceeded to stab her 27 times before driving away and leaving her to die.

Boroski managed to return to her car and drive on Route 32 toward a friend’s house for help. As she neared the house, she noticed a vehicle driving in front of her and realised that it was her attacker. Boroski finally reached her friend’s home at which the occupants immediately came to her aid. Her attacker apparently performed a U-turn and slowly passed by the house as Boroski was tended to before speeding away into the night.

Boroski was treated at the hospital, where it was determined that the attack had resulted in a severed jugular vein, two collapsed lungs, a kidney laceration, and severed tendons in her knees and thumb. Fortunately, Boroski’s baby survived, although not without complications; Boroski’s daughter would later be diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy.

Boroski was able to provide authorities with a composite sketch and the first three characters of the attacker’s license plate. What a woman!

Despite two composite sketches, the formation of a task force, assistance from criminal profiler John Philpin and a handful of local suspects, no arrests were made in the Connecticut River Valley killings and the case grew cold as the killings ceased after the attack on Boroski.

Is he still out there?

Last Week’s Birthdays 

burtwardNed Beatty (77), Sylvester Stallone (68), George W. Bush (67), Nancy Reagan (92), Ringo Starr (74), Angelica Huston (63), Kevin Bacon (56), Brian Dennehy (76), Richard Roundtree (72), Tom Hanks (58), Sofia Vergara (42), Jessica Simpson (34),  Bill Cosby (77), Cheryl Ladd (63), Anna Friel (38), John Simm (44), Chiwetel Ejiofor (37), Richard Wilson (78), Courtney Love (50), Kelly McGillis (57), Eve Myles (36), Jack Whitehall (26), Shelley Duvall (65), Geoffrey Rush (63), Jennifer Saunders (56) and Burt Ward (69)

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 6th July 2014

Dead Pool Background

Here we are minions, well over the halfway point and more than half of us have yet to score, including myself! These celebrities are simply refusing to cross over to the ethereal plane! We must do something! I’m reluctant to let fly the monkeys this time, as previously they found Rik Mayall after his ill-advised bout of exercise, but something must be done! So on your behalf I’m sending out the Tremor worms, so be warned, don’t stand on the ground when you hear a rumble from below, unless you need a fart that is…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

The_Who__Pete_Town_1663078aThe Who are embarking on a farewell tour, so grab your tickets whilst you can as someone in the band feels one of them is going to croak! Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend have decided, at 70 and 69 respectively, that they they are getting too old for life on the road. Fifty years after the band formed, and with two members lost, they are to play a final series of concerts that Daltrey described as “the beginning of the long goodbye”. Townshend joked that the pair could no longer handle “the prostitutes, the heroin, the cocaine”, Nor the underage girls eh Pete? 

85610Terry Pratchett, who announced his diagnosis with early onset Alzheimer’s seven years ago, has pulled out of a Discworld convention later this summer, saying “the Embuggerance is finally catching up with me”. Pratchett made the announcement with what he described as “great reluctance” on the website of the International Discworld Convention, where he had been set to appear as guest of honour in Manchester in August. The convention’s chair, John Hicks, said that Pratchett would still be answering some questions from fans on video, that his business manager Rob Wilkins would be “bringing The Black Hat” – Pratchett’s trademark – “to the Convention to represent Terry in absentia and we will, of course, welcome it with all due honours”. 

139348-british-singer-robbie-williams-arrives-on-the-red-carpet-for-the-germaRobbie Williams took a slight tumble during his Swings Both Ways show in Newcastle last week as he fell off the stage and squashed a fan in the process. Williams, 40, spectacularly missed his footing and fell off the stage but quickly recovered and high-fived fans in the crowd, joking “that went well” as he rolled his fat self back onto the stage. However, during the fall Williams broke a fan’s arm. Margaret Nash, 52, got in the way of Robbie’s fall and had her arm broken, serves her right for going to a Robbie Williams concert.  The Mirror reported that Nash’s daughter Katie sent a tweet to the singer, which said: “You fell on my mam and she’s been in hospital with a broken arm. You never even said sorry.” But the story ends well, Nash has her arm in plaster and is now chatting with Robbie, which I’m sure is dampening her long dry granny panties to no end. 

alfredo-di-stefano-01Real Madrid great Alfredo Di Stefano is in intensive care after suffering a heart attack. Di Stefano, who turned 88 this week, was taken to the Gregorio Maranon hospital in Madrid after falling ill close to Real’s Bernabeu stadium. He has had several health problems in recent years and in 2005 was fitted with a pacemaker after heart surgery. Di Stefano’s achievements helped turn Real, the club he joined in 1953, into one of the world’s leading sides. Di Stefano, who played at international level for Colombia, Argentina and Spain, helped Madrid to five straight European Cup triumphs, scoring in each of the winning finals between 1956 and 1960. Looks like someone forgot to charge his battery! 

And we can’t finish off the news without mentioning good old Rolf Harris! Yup, anyone who experienced their childhood from the 70’s onwards now feels like they have been raped by the 84 year old entertainer as well. Rolf, has been charged and found guilty of 12 indecent assaults against four women, the youngest of which was aged seven at the time. But, don’t fret dear people, the judge has seen fit to give him a 69 month jail term, who said the justice system didn’t have a sense of humour! The once ‘great’ entertainer has lost all honours bestowed upon him, his ‘art’ is being burnt on various bonfires and even your illustrious Dead Pool Master has shaved off his beard in disgust. So, will he die in jail? Will he try to commit suicide inside? Place your bets ladies and gentlemen! 

On This Day

Deaths

Bizarre Victorian Deaths, Part 2 by KoA

3. Killed by a Coffin

_71735014_final-coffinHenry Taylor died an ironic death. He was a pall bearer in London’s Kensal Green Cemetery, and was midway through a funeral when he caught his foot on a stone and stumbled. As he fell to the ground, the other bearers let go of the coffin, which fell on poor, prone Henry. “The greatest confusion was created amongst the mourners who witnessed the accident,” said the Illustrated Police News in November 1872, “and the widow of the person about to be buried nearly went into hysterics.”

4. Killed by Eating Her Own Hair

The doctors were baffled. The patient was seriously ill, that much was clear, but they couldn’t fathom the cause. So when the 30-year-old died, in a village in the English county of Lincolnshire, they asked her grieving relatives for permission to carry out a post-mortem. Whatever they imagined they might find, it can’t possibly have been what they actually discovered – a solid lump, made up of human hair, weighing two pounds and looking for all the world like a black duck with a very long neck. “This remarkable concretion had caused great thickening and ulceration of the stomach, and was the remote cause of her death,” said the Liverpool Daily Post in 1869. “On inquiry, a sister stated that during the last twelve years she had known the deceased to be in the habit of eating her own hair.”

5. Killed by a Zombie

The funeral was in full swing when the lid of the coffin lifted, and the corpse began to climb out. This was, needless to say, an unexpected turn of events. White-faced with fear, the priest and the mourners alike ran from the church of their Russian village and scattered to their homes, bolting their doors. The ghoul lurched after them, bursting into the house of an old woman who had not been quite so nimble with her lock. As the priest collected his senses, he realised the rampaging corpse was actually a coma patient who’d regained consciousness. Too late. The peasants in his parish had plucked up their nerve, armed themselves with guns and stakes and set off for an exorcism. By the time the priest arrived on the scene, the zombie had been successfully returned to the other side, and the body thrown into a marsh.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Michael Phelps (29), Cheryl Cole (31), Mike Tyson (48), Rupert Graves (51), Vincent D’Onofrio (55), Liv Tyler (37), Missy Elliott (43), Pamela Anderson (47), Carl Lewis (53), Dan Aykroyd (62), Debbie Harry (69), Lindsey Lohan (28), Ashley Tisdale (29), Larry David (67), Richard Petty (77), Julian Assange (43), Tom Cruise (52), Montel Williams (58), Edie Falco (51), Huey Lewis (64), 50 Cent (39), Sylvester Stallone (68), George W. Bush (68), Burt Ward (69), Dalai Lama (79) and Nancy Reagan (93).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 29th June 2014

Dead Pool Background

Welcome all to this week’s attempt at deadly humour. Some of you may have noticed that the media picked up on the fact that Eli Wallach has died, but the loss to the Wallach family has given Barry, Liz and Dave 52 points each!! All finally breaking their death duck and shooting them unto the giddy heights of joint last but one place. Well done all three! Now lets see what else has happened in the world of pain that we live in…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

StingSting has revealed his children will not inherit his £180m fortune, fearing that his riches are “albatrosses round their necks”. The former frontman of The Police grew up in a working-class family in Wallsend, North Tyneside, and has gone on to become one of Britain’s wealthiest musicians. He said he has told his six children not to expect to inherit much money because he doesn’t believe in trust funds. The 62 year old singer believes his kids should go out and work and not ask for a penny from him. Let’s rename him Stingy eh?

Michael-THE-THRILLER-Jackson-michael-jackson-19046725-1199-1280On the other hand, since his death five years ago, Michael  Jackson seems to be raking it in. The Michael Jackson Estate – which runs his affairs on behalf of Jackson’s mother and three children – has earned over £411million!! Not bad since the King of Pop was struggling to avoid bankruptcy when he died on June 25, 2009. Looks like Prince, Paris and Blanket are laughing it all the way to the bank, wonder if they will take the piss out of Stingy’s kids??

131229080649-01-schumacher-1229-horizontal-galleryMaybe they should use a few pennies of that fortune to buy Michael Schumacher’s medical records. Yup, someone has nicked his paperwork. Schumacher’s representatives say they will press charges and sue for damages against any publication of the content of the notes, so they seem a bit pissed off about it. Not to worry though, Michael’s wife has gone out and spent £10 million on a private medical suite at their home on the shore of Lake Geneva. So by the sound of it, he’s not going to be driving anything anytime soon, unless its a mobility scooter…

On This Day

Deaths

Horrible Ways to Die #8 –  The Electric Chair by Dexychik

Electric ChairThe electric chair had been used in the USA since its invention in the 1880s. It is still offered in five states, as an alternative to lethal injection. It was considered a relatively painless death, and some employees of Thomas Edison utilised alternating current to make a chair o’death. It replaced hanging as the execution method of choice (possibly because hanging was associated with lynching) until the 1980s, when lethal injection slowly superseded it.

The first man to die in the chair was William Kemmler, in 1890. He’d killed his partner with a hatchet. The most recent is Robert Gleason, who first shot a man in a drug-gang related incident, then murdered two cell mates to ensure he’d get the death penalty, which he did last year. Ted Bundy, charming serial killer, was electrocuted, as was Bruno Hauptmann, responsible for the Lindbergh baby murder and Anna Marie Hahn, poisoner extraordinaire.

william_kemmlerThe first electric chair had two electrodes, attached to the head and base of the spine. Alas, when William Kemmler was initially shocked for 17 seconds with 1000 volts, he didn’t die. He was shocked again a few minutes later, with 2000 volts for EIGHT minutes, with the current only switched off when blood pooling around the electrodes began to burn. Thankfully by then, he really was dead, and a post-mortem showed his brain had burned into his skull. There was a lot of debate before his execution over whether this method could be classed as cruel and unusual punishment. Oddly, they surmised it didn’t.

The technique has had a good 140 years to be perfected, and should you opt for electrocution on death row, you should expect to have your head and legs shaved. You will have your jaws bound shut. You wear a metal electrode on the head, buffered by sponge moistened with saline. You’ll be strapped into a sturdy wooden chair, and another electrode will be attached to each of your legs, with conductive jelly on it. The executioner will apply a 12 amp current to you, for a few seconds, and then another. You’ll probably be dead after the first jolt, but some people survive it. You will piss and shit yourself, your brain tissue will actually boil, smoke rises, and it doesn’t smell good. You die from the damage to your medulla, which controls your heart and lung activity. There is no conclusive proof that you will feel nothing. At least anything you do feel won’t last long. In Florida, your executioner will be paid $150, a relatively small price to kill someone. Oh, and your final meal has to cost less than $40. No Wagu Beef for you.

As with all executions, things can go awry. Spare a  thought for Willie Francis, who in 1946 was electrocuted for the murder of his former employer who’d probably been sexually abusing him. Willie, who was only 17, screamed for help as the first jolt was applied. The guard who had set up the chair had been drunk and done it wrong. He appealed against being electrocuted again, citing that it wasn’t his fault the machine hadn’t worked. This didn’t work (possibly because he was a black man in 40s Louisiana), and he was re-electrocuted, successfully, a year later.

John Evans, executed for armed robbery and murder in 1983, needed three jolts of electricity to finish him off after one of his leg straps came loose. He was checked and found to be alive after the first jolt. The strap was adjusted, but John survived the second jolt as well. The officials present asked the governor for clemency at this point. The governor said no, and the third time was the charm.

So, should you commit a capital crime in one of the states still carrying the electric chair, you should probably opt for lethal injection. Which, coincidentally, I’ll be covering next time.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Minka Kelly (34), Kris Kristofferson (78), Meryl Streep (65), Cindi Lauper (61), Ricky Gervais (53), Carly Simon (69), George Michael (50), Toby Maguire (39), Mel Brooks (88), Kathy Bates (66), John Cusack (48), Frances McDormand (57), Zinedine Zidane (42), Solange Knowles (28), Jason Schwartzman (34), Chris O’Donnell (44), Selma Blair (42), JJ Abrams (48), Chris Isaak (58), Mick Fleetwood (67), Jeff Beck (70), Felicia Day (35), Aileen Quinn (43), Amanda Donohoe (52), Gary Busey (70), Al Molinaro (95), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (25), Bruce Campbell (56), KT Tunstall (39), Selma Blair (42) and Joss Whedon (50).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 22nd June 2014

Dead Pool Background

Another week flashes by and the flying monkeys have kept busy, bringing home  another handful of celebrities to be cremated or interred. As you may have heard from the emails, Casey Kasem sadly died, but luckily for Ashley, he managed to guess that his expiration would occur this year, thus garnering 62 points!! Well done Ash!

Also Patsy Byrne, who played Bernard Nurse in Blackadder II passed away, she died on the 17th and her family put a small obituary in the Telegraph, which is only now being picked up by the newspapers. Seems so be a bad month for Blackadder fans 🙁

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News 

michael_schumacherAs you may have heard, our current cabbage of the pool, Michael Schumacher, is no longer in a coma and has left the hospital in Grenoble that has been his home for the past six months. Reports say that the 45 year old has been moved to Switzerland, hopefully not to the Dignitas Clinic, to continue his recovery. News is very scarce as the family want his rehabilitation to take place away from the public eye, so lets start some rumours shall we?

tracy-morgan_20110621175552-219x300Tracy Morgan has also been moved out of hospital to a rehab centre where he is expected to remain for a few weeks whilst recovering from a six-car pile-up. Morgan, 45, suffered a broken femur, squished ribs and a broken nose in the accident, which is considered critical in America, over here it’s just a slight inconvenience and you’d be expected back at work on Monday, bringing the cake to the office as an apology for letting your workmates down.

And a contribution form Nickie 😀

Letts-the-diary-experts-LogoAs a confirmed planner and stationery addict, I was saddened to hear of the sudden death of Charles Letts this week – the last remaining member of the diary dynasty. He was aged 49.  He and his business partner, Gordon Presley had been involved in various stationery buyouts over the past 15 years or so, acquiring Filofax in 2001. The only worrying aspect of this is that “some form of seizure” is becoming a common form of killer these days. Letts (see what I did there) hope they find a cure for this soon…

On This Day

Deaths

Bizarre Victorian Deaths, Part 1 by KoA

In a new series we shall take a look at life, or in our case, death in Victorian times, which was considerably more dangerous than now, if the newspaper reports of the time are anything to go by.

 1. Killed by a Mouse!

Closeup of a rat's fast-growing teethThis uneasy tale begins in England, 1875, when a mouse dashed suddenly onto a work table in a south London factory. In the general commotion which followed, a gallant young man stepped forward and seized the rodent. For a glorious moment, he was the saviour of the women who’d scattered. It didn’t last. The mouse slipped out of his grasp, ran up his sleeve and scurried out again at the open neck of his shirt. In his surprise, his mouth was agape. In its surprise, the mouse dashed in. In his continued surprise, the man swallowed. “That a mouse can exist for a considerable time without much air has long been a popular belief and was unfortunately proved to be a fact in the present instance,” noted the Manchester Evening News, “for the mouse began to tear and bite inside the man’s throat and chest, and the result was that the unfortunate fellow died after a little time in horrible agony.”

2. Crushed by His Own Invention 

2014-02-28_15-24-34_102.288x287Sam Wardell couldn’t afford to oversleep. He was the lamplighter in the New York town of Flatbush in the mid-1880s. He lit the streetlights in the evening, and needed to be up early to put them out again at dawn. It wasn’t a job for slobs. And so, with the boundless ingenuity of the age, he hit on a neat failsafe. He took a standard alarm clock and supercharged it, adding a Wallace and Gromit-style embellishment to ensure he woke in time. First he connected the clock by a wire to a catch he fitted to a shelf in his room. Then he placed a 10lb stone on the shelf. When the alarm struck, the shelf fell and the stone crashed to the floor. Ta-da! It worked perfectly, and perhaps would have carried on doing so, if Wardell hadn’t toyed with the configuration. One Christmas Eve he invited some friends round for a party and cleared his room of furniture to make space. When they left, he dragged his bed back into the room. He was tired, and didn’t pay much attention to where he put it. At 05:00 the next morning, the alarm sounded. The shelf fell. The stone dropped straight onto the sleeping Wardell’s head. Ouch!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Paula Abdul (52), Prince William (32), Courtney Cox (50), Kathleen Turner (60), Paul McCartney (72), Neil Patrick Harris (41), Isabella Rossellini (62), Barry Manilow (71), Nicole Kidman (47), Lionel Richie (65), Helen Hunt (51), Juliette Lewis (41), Zoe Saldana (36), Ice Cube (50), Mia Sara (47), Jim Belushi (60), Newt Gingrich (71), John Goodman (62), Lana Del Ray (28), Brian Wilson (72), Martin Landau (86) and Olympia Dukakis (83).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 15th June 2014

Dead Pool Background

When I sent out the flying monkeys last week, little did I know that they would reap so many souls! Amongst them Rik Mayall, a true comedy genius and top bloke. I’m sure all of us will miss his comic talents. Sadly the game continues and yes, there are points to be awarded! We shall begin with Rebecca correctly guessing Carla Laemmele would die this year, but being 104 years old only reaps her 46 points, but well done anyway, that’s 46 points more than the rest of us! But this is not all my fellow morbid minions, Lee and Luke correctly surmised that the oldest man in the world would die, again, a small amount of points awarded, 39 each, but an extra 100 to Lee for marking him as his cert. Woo! Just what we needed, a little shake-up in the league table where we now have a new points leader!!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Harrison-FordHarrison Ford has been injured on the set of Star Wars:  Episode VII and was taken to hospital, seems the 71 year old has broken his ankle when the door of the Millennium Falcon decided to attack him. His wife, Calista Flockhart is now en-route to be at his bedside as they fear he might have damaged his pelvis too! Filming of the new Star Wars film will continue in his absence but if his recovery is not as straight forward as some reports are suggesting, it looks like the tight scheduling of the shoot might be in danger. We all know what happens when an old fart breaks a hip don’t we!

HW-Bush-skydiveIn birthday news, Prince Philip managed to reach the ripe old age of 93 without any undue mishap. No time to enjoy his birthday though, the old codger has a diary full of events that he has to attend, so it looks like he’s here to stay for a while longer. Not to be outdone, George Bush Snr celebrated his 90th birthday by jumping out of a helicopter, much like The Queen did during the Olympics!! The 41st president of the United States was strapped to an instructor as he can no longer use his legs due to Parkinson’s, but enjoyed the experience immensely.

140513-casey-kasem-1517_87dff93130d489deaf517658b8371653Casey Kasem is in a bad place. The voice of Shaggy in Scooby-Doo is in the middle of a family feud about his vast fortune and impending death. The courts have decided that his eldest daughter, a millionaire in her own right, is to be his care giver and she’s decided that the 82 year old is to be spared the indignity of treatment, so his food, water and medication have been withheld. So now its just a matter of time, one feels a quick smothering with a pillow would be better for the poor fucker.

1402299049Jeffrey-ArcherThe novelist and former MP Jeffrey Archer has revealed that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer late last year. After the diagnosis, he chose to have an operation in which the whole prostate and the cancer would be removed, rather than go through radiotherapy. The 74 year old is now infertile, but I doubt that will cause him any sleepless nights. Sadly he’s still writing crap novels and reckons he’ll survive to see 88. Lets hope for a passing bus shall we?

V Festival In Hylands ParkIf you were looking to go see a concert with Morrissey or Paul McCartney any time soon, sell your ticket, both of them are too ill to sing. Paul  has been ill since early May with the squits since visiting Japan, but Morrissey was hospitalised with a respiratory infection. He’s cancelled the rest of his US tour which is a repeat of last year when he cancelled 22 shows due to ill health. His previous ailments have included pneumonia, an ulcer, the throat condition Barrett’s oesophagus and anaemia. Morrissey, being the cunt that he is, publicly blamed his support act Kirsteen Young for passing on a ‘horrendous cold’. She’s obviously a bit angry about these ‘bizarre lies’. Better order some lilies soon…

On This Day

Deaths

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

Timothy-McVeighThis week we’re taking a peek at what Timothy McVeigh had for his parting dinner. You’ll remember him as the chap responsible for the Oklahoma Bombing that killed 168 people and injured 600 more, which is still the worst act of domestic terrorism in the US, the only other that beats it is 9/11, but some Johnny Foreigners were responsible for that one!

McVeigh was an odd sort, his whole reason for the bombing was revenge against the federal government for their  handling of the Waco Siege. He obviously thought they did it wrong.

oklahomacity_350Like most nut jobs he was bullied at school and had a huge fascination with guns, so obviously his grandfather bought him a gun which he took to school with him. Following dropping out of college he joined the US Army, where they ‘trained him up good’, giving him the skills he needed to finally get his revenge against everything he thought was pissing him off, which included women, as nobody would go out with him, and the government, for making him pay tax.  Following the bombing he was jailed and  sentenced to death.

12-Pictures-Of-Death-Row-Prisoners--Last-Meals-3So here we are at his final meal. He ordered two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Boring or what!?!

McVeigh showed no remorse for his actions and was executed by lethal injection at 7:14 a.m. on June 11, 2001, at the U.S. Federal Penitentiary in Terre Haute, Indiana, the first federal prisoner to be executed by the United States federal government since 1963.

Ice cream! Nom nom…

Last Week’s Birthdays

Kanye West (37), Tim Berners-Lee (59), Nancy Sinatra (74), Joan Rivers (81), Jerry Stiller (87), Barbara Bush (89), Natalie Portman (33), Johnny Depp (50), Michael J Fox (53), Elizabeth Hurley (49), Linda Evangelista (49), Prince Philip (93), Shea LeBeouf (28), Peter Dinklage (45), Hugh Laurie (55), Adrienne Barbeau (69), Gene Wilder (81), Adriana Lima (33), Richard Ayoade (37), George H. W. Bush (90), David Rockefeller (99), Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen (28), Chris Evans (33), Steve-O (40), Ally Sheedy (52), Tim Allen (60), Richard Thomas (63), Stellan Skarsgård (63), Malcolm McDowell (71), Diablo Cody (36), Steffi Graf (45), Boy George (53), Donald Trump (68), Neil Patrick Harris (41), Ice Cube (45), Courtney Cox (50), Helen Hunt (51) and Jim Belushi (60).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 8th June 2014

Dead Pool Background

Welcome all, no points to award, but please don’t be downhearted, I’ve sent out the flying monkeys to reap a few souls in readiness for next week. Not many famous people have bit the bullet during the last week, so I’ve padded out the weekly newsletter with two features to keep you interested, I know, I’m awesome!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

tracy-morganUS actor and ‘comedian’ Tracy Morgan is in intensive care after the limousine he was riding was involved in a fatal crash in New Jersey. Six vehicles were involved, including one carrying the 45-year-old former Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock star. One passenger died after the bus overturned on the New Jersey Turnpike early on Saturday, police said. Four are in hospital, three remain critical. A lorry driver is facing criminal charges over the crash.

World Economic Forum on Africa 2009South Africa’s President, Jacob Zuma, has been admitted to  hospital for tests, his office has announced. “Yesterday President Zuma was advised to rest following a demanding election,” a statement said. Doctors were satisfied with his condition. Mr Zuma, 72, was sworn in for a second term on 24th May following the African National Congress election victory. Lets hope the old codger survives long enough so we can include him on next years lists.  

Juancarlos_395King Juan Carlos of Spain has announced his intention to abdicate, after nearly 40 years on the throne. “A new generation must be at the forefront… younger people with new energies,” the 76-year-old king said in a televised address. His son, Crown Prince Felipe, 45, will take over the throne. For much of his reign, Juan Carlos was seen as one of the world’s most popular monarchs, but recently many Spaniards have lost confidence in him. We all know what happens to men after they retire, best get him on a list quick!  

jane-fonda-abc-pilot-giIn a sure sign of impending death, stars have paid tribute to actress and political activist Jane Fonda as she accepted the American Film Institute’s Life Achievement Award. As she accepted the award, Fonda offered some advice on career longevity for the roomful of celebrities gathered: “Ask questions, stay curious. It’s much more important to be interested than to be interesting.” Well said Jane, I’ll try to keep your words in mind when you need your headstone carved. 

On This Day

Deaths

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

172d5930afdc0fa1e797742d46dc2852This week we shall be looking at Ronnie Lee Gardner, an awesome individual who received the death penalty for murder in October 1984. He killed a chap called Melvyn John Otterstrom during a robbery in Salt Lake City and while being transported in April 1985 to a court hearing for the homicide, he fatally shot attorney Michael Burdell in an unsuccessful escape attempt. So you can see he’s a stirling upstanding citizen. He spent the best part of 25 years in the system before being executed by firing squad, that in itself was interesting as it was the first one carried out in the U.S. for 14 years.

On June 15, 2010, Gardner ate a last meal of steak, lobster tail, apple pie, vanilla ice cream and 7-Up, before beginning a 48-hour fast while watching The Lord of the Rings film trilogy and reading Divine Justice.  

  • 12-Pictures-Of-Death-Row-Prisoners--Last-Meals-6Lobster Tail
  • Steak
  • Apple Pie
  • Vanilla Ice Cream
  • 7-Up
  • Lord of the Rings Trilogy DVD’s
  • Copy of Devine Justice
  • 48 Hour fasting period

According to his lawyers, the fast was motivated by “spiritual reasons.” As a good inmate, Gardner walked voluntarily to his place of execution.When asked if he had any last words, he responded, “I do not, no.” So they proceeded to shoot the shit out of him.

As you do, a commemorative coin was commissioned for prison staff who participated in the execution. Well done America, way to show us all how to do it!

Human Bindings by KoA

Des-destinees-de-l'ame_0_0In ‘good news for bibliomaniacs and satanists’, scientists say the binding of 1880s study of the human soul is in fact made of human skin! Scientific analysis of the 19th-century book has proved “without a doubt” that its leather binding is made from human skin, Harvard University has confirmed.

After it emerged in April that, despite an inscription claiming that its binding was formed from “all that remains of my dear friende Jonas Wright”, the 17th-century book Practicarum Quaestionum Circa Leges Regias Hispaniae was actually bound with sheepskin, Harvard set out to test the provenance of an unusual binding on a copy of Arsène Houssaye’s Des destinées de l’ame.

The book includes a note by its binder Dr Ludovic Bouland, which claims it is “bound in human skin parchment on which no ornament has been stamped to preserve its elegance”. “By looking carefully you easily distinguish the pores of the skin,” wrote Bouland. “A book about the human soul deserved to have a human covering: I had kept this piece of human skin taken from the back of a woman.”

Harvard called the discovery “good news for fans of anthropodermic bibliopegy, bibliomaniacs and cannibals alike”. Anthropodermic bibliopegy is the practice of binding books in human skin, something which enjoyed a spate of popularity in the 19th century, but which has occurred since at least the 1500s.

Antiquarian bookseller Tim Bryars, who runs a shop in London’s Cecil Court, said that “anthropodermic biblopegy has a grisly pull on everyone who has heard of it, booksellers included”, but that “identifying the origin of some leathers used historically in bookbinding can be tricky”.

horwoodportraitandbook_0“But does that mean that leather-bound books on your shelves at home might involve human remains? It’s highly unlikely,” said Bryars. “Most examples seem to cover works on anatomy and trial reports (sometimes bound in the skin of the accused), the product of a different age, an entirely different way of thinking, and the provenance is generally well attested, the whereabouts known.”

He pointed to the case of John Horwood, who was hanged for murder in Bristol almost 200 years ago, his skin used to bind an account of the case.

Books, who thought they were boring?

Last Week’s Birthdays

Alanis Morissette (40), Heidi Klum (41), Jonathan Pryce (67), Rene Auberjonois (74), Morgan Freeman (77), Pat Boone (80), Justin Long (36), Zachary Quinto (37), Dana Carvey (59), Rafael Nadal (28), Russell Brand (39), Angelina Jolie (39), Bruce Dern (78), Mark Wahlberg (43), Paul Giamatti (47), Sandra Bernhard (59), Robert Englund (67), Michael Cera (26), Anna Kournikova (33), Bill Hader (35), Prince (56), Liam Neeson (61), Kayne West (37), Tim Berners-Lee (59), Nancy Sinatra (74), Joan Rivers (81), Barbara Bush (89)  and Tom Jones (74).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week  peeps!


Dead Pool 1st June 2014

Dead Pool head

Mi Dios!! We have a winner Poolers! Stu correctly  guessed that Manuel Uribe, the   world’s fattest ‘living’ man, would die this year, not only this, he ascribed him as his Maverick! Just to put this in context, nobody in the history of The Dead Pool has successfully scored a Maverick! We’ve come close with various overdoses and suicides, but this is the first time an actual Maverick has kicked the bucket! Well done Stu, a well deserved 192 points, which propels you to the top of the league table!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Shri_Ashutosh_Ji_MaharajThe family and followers of one of India’s wealthiest Hindu spiritual leaders are fighting a legal battle over whether he is dead or simply in a deep state of meditation. His Holiness Shri Ashutosh Maharaj, the founder of the Divya Jyoti Jagrati Sansthan religious order with a property estate worth an estimated £100 million, ‘died’ in January, according to his wife and son. However, his disciples at his Ashram have refused to let the family take his body for cremation because they claim he is still alive. According to his followers, he simply went into a deep Samadhi or meditation and they have frozen his body, as you do, to preserve it for when he wakes up. Unsurprisingly, his son Dilip Jha, 40, claims his late father’s followers are refusing to release his body as a means of retaining control of his vast financial empire. His body is currently contained in a commercial freezer at their Ashram. 

akb48_600Two members of the Japanese girl group AKB48 were taken to hospital after being attacked by a man wielding a saw at one of the band’s meet-the-fans events. Rina Kawaei, 19, and Anna Iriyama, 18, both broke bones in their right hands and received cuts on their arms and heads caused by the 50cm saw at the event in Iwate in northern Japan. A 24-year-old man, identified as unemployed Satoru Umeta, was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder. AKB48 is part talent show, part pop act, in which a pool of more than 100 young women compete for a spot in the limelight when each new hit is released. Members must strive constantly for popularity if they wish to retain their spot, and girls who contravene strict rules, such as having boyfriends, are dropped back into the general talent pool. One assumes that both Rina and Anna will now be dropped due to their horrible scars and lack of fingers.

PITT-ARREST_2924889bAKB48 weren’t the only celebrities attacked this week; Brad Pitt was hit in the face as he signed autographs at the Hollywood premiere of Maleficent, starring his partner Angelina Jolie. Pitt was quietly wielding a pen when Vitalii Sediuk leaped over a fence and hit him in the chops. The actor was not seriously hurt and authorities quickly subdued Sediuk, who was then arrested for misdemeanour battery. Sediuk, 25, is a Ukrainian television reporter who has often pranked celebrities at red carpet events. In previous exploits, Sediuk has hugged actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s crotch, stormed the stage during singer Adele’s Grammy acceptance speech, and been slapped by Will Smith after kissing the actor at a Moscow premiere. I still think Dennis Pennis had more class though… 

_75117965_1168788e-ff83-404b-b87b-c13d5a25dfe0Continuing in the same theme, Macaulay Culkin’s band was booed off stage at Nottingham Rock City at the weekend after fans took exception to the performance. The Home Alone star and his bandmates abandoned the show, which was part of the Dot to Dot festival, after just 15 minutes, following a stage invasion and interruption of Culkin’s kazoo solo. The reaction came despite a promise of free pizza for fans in the crowd. The group, who play Velvet Underground songs with pizza-themed lyrics had full pints of beer thrown at them. “Why are you throwing those?” Culkin asked the crowd at the Rock City venue. “I’d rather drink them.” But audience member Patrick Mendes was unrepentant. “I’m glad I lobbed a pint and I’m glad it hit you,” he wrote on the group’s Facebook page. Complaining about their “mockery” of “one of the greatest bands of all time”, he added: “Great art should never be compromised”. 

BBC_weather_1582282cAnd finally, you might not have noticed, but we have narrowly escaped nuclear armageddon! BBC Radio 4 failed to broadcast the Shipping Forecast for the first time in more than 90 years. The radio service is something of an institution, broadcasting four forecasts a day since 1924, a routine which failed for the first time at 5.20am on Friday. A technical glitch meant the BBC’s World Service was played in its place. As you all know, the longwave signal is part of the Royal Navy’s system of Last Resort Letters. In the event of a suspected catastrophic attack on Britain, nuclear submarine commanders check for a broadcast signal from Radio 4 on LW 198 to verify the annihilation of organised society in Great Britain, if they don’t hear the expected transmission, they are allowed the mother of all firework displays! Luckily they were able to resolve the issue at 5.40am when it cut back to the Radio 4 programme. Friday morning’s Shipping Forecast eventually aired 6.40am, thus ensuring world peace! 

On This Day

Deaths

Last Week’s Birthdays

Stevie Nicks (66), Clint Eastwood (84), Brooke Shields (49), Mike Myers (51), Lenny Kravitz (50), Jack McBrayer (41), Kylie Minogue (46), Lea Thompson (53), CeeLo Green (39), Helena Bonham-Carter (48), Colin Farrell (38), Noel Gallagher (47), Anne Heche (45), Tom Berenger (65), Rupert Everett (55), Paul Bettany (43), LaToya Jackson (58), Gladys Knight (70), Philip Michael Thomas (65), Jamie Oliver (39), Colm Meaney (61) and Sharon Gless (71).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 25th May 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome all to a slightly  later than normal Dead Pool round-up, sorry about that but I was busy enjoying myself, you know how it is. But what have we here? Yes, points to be awarded!! Looks like Luke has scored with the death of Wojciech Jaruzelski! Nice one! A spiffing 60 points to your scoreline sir! Which brings your total score up to, er.. 60! Well done that man! 

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

1961754625-ali-carter-Snooker-player-Ali-Carter-diagnosed-with-cancer-Two-time World Snooker Championship runner-up Ali Carter has been diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. World Snooker announced on Saturday that the 34-year-old from Chelmsford will undergo an intensive course of chemotherapy. The world number 13, who has Crohn’s disease, last year recovered from testicular cancer to resume his career, talk about a spate of bad luck! Carter had been due to play on Saturday in Gloucester, in the qualifying stages of the Wuxi Classic, but pulled out, sadly I think we need to keep an eye on him for next year!  

tumblr_lihabr3km61qgi0k5o1_500Paul McCartney has been treated in hospital after falling ill in Japan but the former Beatle is expected to “make a complete recovery” from the viral infection he’s caught. He had already cancelled several Asian tour dates but has since expanded the run of cancellations. McCartney, 71, has been sick for about a week, reporting his first symptoms not long after arriving in Japan on 15th May. Sankei Sports, a local newspaper, reported that the singer had been vomiting and suffering from diarrhoea. Sounds like he’s got a serious bout of the Delhi Belly, better keep drinking lots Paul, make sure that soggy bottom doesn’t dry up! 

_75011892_57fec30e-d104-4fbb-9272-9aec0aa96d39The Duke of Edinburgh has had a “minor procedure” carried out on his right hand, Buckingham Palace has announced. A spokeswoman said on Wednesday that the Duke, 92, was continuing his engagements as planned, but the Royal stalwart still arrived at a garden party at the palace with the hand bandaged! No details as to what the procedure was, but one expects it was hurt from punching one of his servants.  

_75072250_75072104The oldest living American, one of the few living people born in the 19th Century, has marked her 115th birthday. Jeralean Talley was born on 23rd May 1899 and is the world’s second-oldest person, according to a list maintained by the Gerontology Research Group. The oldest is Misao Okawa in Japan, who is 116. Asked how she has lived so long, Ms Talley told the Detroit Free Press: “It’s all in the good Lord’s hands. There’s nothing I can do about it.” She plans to celebrate with family and friends at a local church in Michigan on Sunday.

On This Day

Deaths

A Wonderful Comeuppance by KoA

China Financial Crisis ArtFor the first time in 35 years, the San Isidro Festival, which opens the bullfighting season in Spain, had to be suspended because all the matadors had been injured. 

In what could be seen as divine providence, two Half-tonne fighting bulls gored or trampled all three matadors in an extraordinary upset at Madrid’s prestigious Las Ventas bullring, forcing the spectacle to be cancelled. The first bull on the programme, a black, 532kg animal named Deslio, knocked Mora over during a pass as his yellow and pink cape swirled in the wind. 

e7e4f9e56491430f89f201c9a14bfd47-e7e4f9e56491430f89f201c9a14bfd47-2Mora fell to the sand beneath his cloak, but the bull immediately turned on him, head down, ramming its horn deep into his leg and tossing him over repeatedly.

“The somersault was horrific, shocking, chilling, impossible for the human eye to witness yet evident to the mind,” wrote Antonio Lorca, bullfighting correspondent for the El País newspaper.

Mora suffered a 30cm gash in the thigh and another wound in the armpit, a medical report from the bullring said.

The venue’s surgeon, Maximo Garcia Padros, reportedly said Mora had needed a blood transfusion during a two-hour operation.

“The goring in the femoral vein placed his life in danger. If you don’t act it empties like an open tap, but that’s why we are here,” he said.

The second matador, Antonio Nazare, appeared  before the shocked audience to finish off the animal with his sword.

493193-matador-espagnol-antonio-nazare-frappeNazare then faced his own opponent, however, a 537kg brown bull named Feten. The animal dragged the matador along the sand, injuring his knee and forcing him to seek treatment at the bullring’s hospital, the medical report showed.

The third matador, Saúl Jiménez Fortes, entered the ring to fight the same bull. The animal skewered him in the right leg and the pelvis, leaving three 10cm-deep injuries, the bullring doctor said. Sadly, Fortes managed to kill the beast before he, too, sought medical treatment.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Grace Jones (66), Pete Townshend (69), Busta Rhymes 942), Cher (68), Joe Cocker (70), Gotye (34), Judge Reinhold 957), Mr T (62), Leo Sayer (66), Naomi Campbell (44), Morrissey (55), Marvin Hagler (60), Joan Collins (81), John C Reilly (49), Priscilla Presley (69), Gary Burghoff (71), Bob Dylan (73), Tommy Chong (76), Anne Heche (45), Mike Myers (51), Ian McKellen (75), Helena Bonham Carter (48), Zola Budd (48), Lenny Kravitz (50), Pam Grier (65) and Stevie Nicks (66).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 18th May 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome all, what a strange week! Robert Burns died, no, not  that one, but the   Canadian politician. Also Tom Jones passed, no, not that one, the WWII Navajo soldier and coder, and last but not least, Charlie Brown died, no, not that one, the basketball player, so you can imagine my confusion!

We also said goodbye to Stephen Sutton, a truly inspiring character, whom to date has risen nearly £4 million for cancer charities, if only we all could be so altruistic in our own demises.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

heinz-beans-with-pork-sausagesAnyone else found that the tomato sauce in their Heinz Baked Beans has a slight tang in them recently? Well it might be down to Alec Brackenbury, 49, who had his hand chopped off whilst servicing a peeling machine at their factory. I’d assume that the spurting stump would add plenty of its own sauce to their recipe, but please look out if you prefer the Beans with Sausage variety. Nom nom…

2013-04-24_entertainment_news_12_1Award-winning TV writer and comedian Caroline Aherne is recovering from treatment for lung cancer. Aherne, 50, had eye cancer when she was a child and also revealed that she had been treated for bladder cancer in the past. The poor woman has a very troubled past, a suspected suicide bid in 1998 brought into sharp focus the problems she was having. Following a drug overdose, Aherne admitted she was an alcoholic and had not been aware of what she was doing to herself. A true candidate for the Dead Pool if I ever saw one!

Richard-and-Judy-310x310TV personalities Judy Finnigan and husband Richard Madeley have said they have agreed to an assisted death pact should one of them fall seriously ill. Madeley said: “If Judy was really ill and in logical mind…”I wouldn’t give a tuppenny if there was a risk of being prosecuted. I’d do what was right for my wife.” Finnigan added: “And I’d do the same. Stuff it all! We’ve made ourselves give each other a pledge along those lines.” Madeley continued: “If, when the time came… Judy said to me, ‘But what about you? What about the risk of prosecution?’, I’d say, ‘That’s my problem, I’ll deal with that, don’t worry about it.’ And for me, it would be the locked room, the bottle of whisky and the revolver. I wouldn’t want to mess around.” We are all wondering why both of you are waiting for illness, just do it!!

article-0-1DC526A500000578-51_634x574Australian actor Hugh Jackman has had a second cancerous skin growth removed from his nose. The 45-year-old attended the premiere of his latest film, X-Men: Days of Future Past, sporting a bandage on his face in New York on Saturday. The star told reporters he learned the results of a biopsy diagnosing the basal cell carcinoma on Thursday, and had it removed immediately.

lee-kun-heeYou know how we all know who Steve Jobs was, do any of you know who the head of Samsung is? No? Nor did I, but he is in a “stable condition” after undergoing emergency heart surgery. Lee Kun-hee underwent the operation after suffering breathing difficulties late on Saturday night. Mr Lee took over as chairman of South Korea’s biggest business in 1987 after his father’s death. He is credited with turning the company into an international force in the technology market. He has previously undergone lung surgery in the 1990s and has reportedly suffered respiratory problems since then. They guy is worth £6 billion and his son and two daughters have senior positions at Samsung and it is thought that his son, Jay Lee, currently vice-chairman, will eventually succeed him. Who knew eh?

1399664696888And finally, the Pentagon isn’t letting a little thing like zombies not existing get in the way of their emergency preparedness. The US military has cooked up a plan that would come in handy if the dead happened to rise from their graves to attack the living. “This plan was not actually designed as a joke,” reads a disclaimer in  the recently declassified 264216-369d7988-dbaf-11e3-8693-526588c1a688CONOP 8888, the “Counter-Zombie Dominance” plan devised by US Strategic Command planners in Omaha, Nebraska. But it’s not entirely serious, either. The plan was designed as a training tool for military personnel who would be tasked with assessing threats and protecting civilians in any sort of attack. The military doesn’t actually believe that zombies are a legitimate threat—just that they’re a useful training tool. Yeah, everything has a reason, we all know they have developed a virus that changes us into zombies, they just need to control us!

On This Day

Deaths

Horrible Ways to Die #7 – Broken on a Wheel by Dexychik

17-medieval-tortureYou’ve probably heard of a Catherine wheel firework. They’re named after the legend of the martyrdom of St Catherine of Alexandria, who was to be broken on a wheel. When the wheel touched her, it broke from miraculous force, so she was beheaded instead. Apparently, she then bled milk.

The first recorded use of the wheel was in Roman times, and they used it to kill slaves and martyrs. A man was laid underneath an iron wheel, which was then smashed into him with a weight. They also practised a form in which the victim was tied to a spiked wheel and then run over more spikes.

Being broken on the wheel was a medieval method of torture and execution across Europe although it was also used as a way to defile the dead well into the 18th century. It was never popular in England, though Scotland used it several times. In Germany, it remained on the statute books until the 19th century.

It had various applications. In its crudest form, the victim was simply run over by the wheel, attached to a cart or similar. The more awful version saw the victim stretched across the wagon wheel (which would be considerably larger than modern ones) and then spun, with their limbs broken in the gaps with a lead weight as they spun past. Some people were broken starting with the neck, which killed them quickly. Others were killed starting at the feet and working upwards- a  slow and painful death.

Darstellung des Räderns in einem Holzstich von 1586One of the most revolting uses of the wheel, recorded in Zurich, involved breaking a person’s bones and spine against the wheel as a brace, then threading the useless limbs around the spokes of it, which was then erected on a pole. The still-living victim was then left to die of shock and exposure.

Frequently, people sentenced to die in this manner were mercy-killed either by strangulation before beginning, or being killed by a direct blow to the chest at some point. However, those who suffered the full extent took a long time to die. The more serious the crime, the longer the victim was left on the wheel before being strangled or finished off. It was a very popular spectacle.

Bleurgh! Next time, would you like burned alive or the electric chair? You decide!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Stephen Colbert (50), Stevie Wonder (64), Tony Hawk (46), Stephen Baldwin (48), Emilio Estevez (52), Robert Pattinson (28), George Lucas (70), Tim Roth (53), Pierce Brosnan (61), Janet Jackson (48), Megan Fox (28), Bill Paxton (59), Enya (53), Trent Reznor (49), Jordan Knight (44), Steve Winwood (66), Burt Bacharach (86), Harvey Keitel (75), Brian Eno (66), Mark Zuckerburg (30), Sofia Coppola (43), Robert Zemeckis (62), Tori Spelling (41), Gabriella Sabatini (44), David Boreanaz (45), Olga Korbut (59), Debra Winger (59), Sugar Ray Leonard (58), Tina Fey (44) and Chow Yun-Fat (59).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 11th May 2014

Dead Pool Background

Fuck me! Harry Potter died, for real! Click the link below to find out out who and what. So, another pointless week, I must say this year is a very slow one and my amazing talent for filling dead news is being stretched to the extreme! But I’m not one to be put off with the lack of celebrity deaths, I find fun and amazement with the various illnesses that this week’s other news brings. Hallelujia!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

osullivanRonnie O’Sullivan escaped unscathed from a car crash as he travelled home from defeat in the world championship final. The five-times world champion and his six-year-old son, Ronnie Jr, (naming your own son after you, so chic) were travelling in a two-seater Audi R8 sports car (posh) when it spun out of control on the M1 near Leicester at around 1.30am (not so posh). Neither suffered serious injuries but they were understood to have been left “shaken like a Bond Martini” after pulling themselves out of the wreckage. It came just hours after the overconfident 38-year-old lost the world final to Mark Selby (woo!) by 18 frames to 14 at the Crucible theatre in Sheffield.

Miley-CyrusMiley Cyrus has denied reports that her recent stay in hospital was caused by drugs. “I didn’t have a drugs overdose. I took some antibiotics that a doctor gave me for a sinus infection,” she said. She spent two weeks in hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to the medication… (yeah) “I’ve been laying in a hospital bed connected to IVs. I’m on a bunch of good vitamins and doing lots of yoga trying to get myself back together.” She previously cancelled shows in Amsterdam and Antwerp as a result of her ‘illness’. “My immune system was already low because I had a death in my family and was already down. “What doesn’t make it better is that people were online saying I’d done it with drugs but it’s all good. I’m okay and I’m here,” the singer added. Cyrus, who rose to fame as Disney’s Hannah Montana, said being bed ridden had been the “most miserable” two weeks of her life. Wait ‘til you’re 23 years old my dear…

Queen-Elizabeth-II-007Her aides have always insisted she is not slowing down, but The Queen made an unexpected change to a major public appearance the other day after deciding a steep flight of steps would be too much for her. Her Majesty had been due to take part in an ancient installation ceremony for knights of the Order of the Bath at Westminster Abbey, an event she only attends every eight years. Dressed in a cumbersome robe with a train, worn over an evening dress, the Queen, 88, would’ve needed to descend a short flight of steps to approach the altar in the Abbey, then make her way back up the steps to her throne. But after a dress rehearsal on Thursday, which the old hag didn’t attend, aides decided the monarch should not go ahead with that part of the ceremony. The Prince of Wales will deputise for her instead. Lets hope the big nosed cunt trips down the stairs. 

UnknownFrom Sheezus to ‘queazus’, Lily Allen has been undergoing tests after being taken to hospital with a mystery illness, possibly due to a bout of food poisoning. The illness comes as the singer’s new album flies high on the charts, fuck knows why… A spokesperson for the singer would not comment on whether Allen would cancel forthcoming appearances, which is a great shame, as I for one would love to miss each one. Lily Allen’s latest single, ‘Our Time’, is currently at No 43. Well done her!

miner-460x307And finally, a group of coal miners from the western province of Xinjiang, had an unbelievable surprise when the gallery they were excavating opened up on a section of an old mine that was abandoned 17 years ago after an earthquake that caused some large sections of the tunnels to collapse. While they were exploring the galleries, they stumbled upon Cheung Wai, a 59-year old survivor from the 1997 accident, obviously in a rather bad shape. The poor man had remained trapped underground with the bodies of 78 of his dead coworkers, after an earthquake of a magnitude of 7.8 hit the region. He managed to survive thanks to an emergency stash of rice and water, stored in an underground depot. Even though he was suffering from great physical and mental stress, he managed to give proper burials to all of his comrades, spending almost a year in this great selfless act. Personally I’d have eaten them. 

On This Day

Deaths

Eurovision is dead (for the UK) by Nickie

AUSTRAII have just spent the last five days on Eurovision countdown, bigging up the UK entry because it seemed (for once) that someone had studied all possible factors and produced a decent entry. We came 5th from last and lost to a bearded woman that looked like the love child of Rylan and Nicole Shitslinger, or as I like to think, Tranny Jesus! (ed).  I think it’s time we stopped buying our entry into the final and either compete properly like the British ought to or bow out gracefully before we die a complete death like Jeminii.

So the UK entry died a death (yet again) but this is about real deaths!  At the time of writing none of the Eurovision winners have died in extreme circumstances (miserable bastards) and only one has died of natural causes  – Teddy Scholten from the Netherlands. 

There’s only two less fortunate Eurovision entrants who have reached the end of their mortal coil that are worth writing about. There isn’t a lot of horror or gossip but these two should keep you going.

SNN0628NEW-532_1433448aRemember “Wheelchair Kerry” from the 3rd series of X-Factor?  She popped her clogs after a battle with cancer but not many people remember that she came 2nd (in the national finals) to Katrina and the Waves with the catchy number “Yodel In The Canyon Of Love

Next there is the Danish Eurovision entrant from 1991, Anders Frandsen.  Being placed 19th in the contest (with only 8 points) obviously had an adverse effect on him because regardless of his TV career he disappeared from public life and was found alongside the very extinct 2011, attempting a suicide BBQ in his bedroom. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning.  

Here are my Eurovision recommendations for The Dead Pool 2015: Engelbert Humperdinck, Nana Mouskouri, Katie Boyle and Daz Sampson.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Traci Lords (46), Enrique Iglesias (39), Don Rickles (88), Candice Bergen (68), Rosario Dawson (35), Billy Joel (65), Bono (53), George Clooney (53), Adele (26), Michael Palin (71), Will Arnett (44), Randy Travis (55), Lance Henriksen (74), John Rhys-Davies (70), Craig David (33), Chris Brown (25), Gary Glitter (70), Albert Finney (78), Glenda Jackson (78), Donavan (68) and Linda Evangelista (49).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 4th May 2014

Bob HoskinsWithout doubt this week’s big news is the sad death  of Bob Hoskins at the age of 71. You may remember back in 2012 that I reported that he was retiring due to Parkinson’s Disease and I urged you all to remember to put his name down on your lists, which nobody did. *sigh*. So 79 points could have been yours if you had followed my advice. If only I had listened to myself…

Anyhow, onwards and upwards they say, lots to cover this week, so let’s make a start!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

off_lookup_Clayton_LockettThere’s been a slight uproar over in Oklahoma where they tried and finally succeeded in executing Clayton Lockett. The execution has been called ‘cruel, inhuman and degrading’ and may have been in violation of the Human Rights Laws. Lockett was restrained to a gurney and because no suitable vein could be found, the needle was administered to his groin. Due to ‘this and that’, it took Lockett 1hr 44 minutes to finally die. Now, you have to remember that this guy was convicted in 2000 and sentenced to death for the kidnap and murder of 19 year old, Stephanie Neiman, during a home invasion the previous year. She survived the initial assault, but Lockett ordered two accomplices to bury her alive. He also raped one of her friends. I’m sure nobody seemed to care for her human rights when she was being killed nor did anyone give a shit for her friend who was raped. The cunt got what he deserved, it’s just a shame it didn’t take longer.

Sir Roger Bannister 80th Birthday PhotocallSir Roger Bannister, the first man to run a sub-4min mile whilst someone had a clock in their hand has revealed he has Parkinson’s Disease. The 85-year-old said he had known about the degenerative nervous disease for three years but only revealed it in a BBC radio interview marking the anniversary of his run in Oxford on 6 May, 1954. Now, please take note, I reported a similar story about Bob Hoskins! Hear what I’m saying??

_74556634_wilkopaWilko Johnson, the former Dr Feelgood guitarist has had a major operation in an attempt to treat his pancreatic cancer. Johnson was diagnosed at the end of 2012 and was given 10 months to live after rejecting chemotherapy. But he defied the doctors’ predictions and it was recently found that his tumour was less aggressive than normal. He has now had the “football-size tumour” removed as well as his pancreas, spleen and part of his stomach. He has understandably cancelled 14 concerts.

Cellist Julian Lloyd Webber has announced that he has been forced to stop playing due to a herniated disc in his neck which has reduced the power in his right arm. The 63 year old is said to be devastated, not as devastated as us Julian! His final performance as a cellist will be on 2nd May at the Forum Theatre, Malvern. By the time you’ve read this he may have already committed suicide!  

paul-simon-edie-brickell-arrestPaul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell have been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. Officers were called to the couple’s New Canaan home at about 8pm on Saturday to investigate “a family dispute”. The pair, who have been married for more than 20 years, appeared in Norwalk Superior Court on Monday. A police spokesman said there had been “aggressiveness on both sides”. Officers who responded found minor injuries and believed it was a case of domestic violence, he went on. He did not confirm who was injured. Simon, 72, first found fame as one half of folk duo Simon and Garfunkel, while Brickell, 48, was lead singer of Edie Brickell & New Bohemians. Let’s see how bad this gets, nothing like a 72 year old being beaten up by his wife eh?

max-clifford-pic-getty-516684657And finally, I can’t sign off without mentioning that slimy twat, Max Clifford. You may have seen that the fuckwit has been imprisoned on eight counts of  indecent assault against women and girls aged 14 to 19 alleged to have taken place between 1966 and 1984. The 71 year old is now serving 8 years for his part in raping young girls. I can’t say I ever liked the cunt, I hold him personally responsible for all the gutter press we now have to suffer. He’s ruined countless lives for profit and I for one am rejoicing that he’s now having to look for soap in a prison shower. It seems the only PR he was really interested in were paedophile rings. Good riddance! 

On This Day

Deaths

May 4th Star Wars Special by KoA

Star-Wars-PosterSince this is officially Star Wars Day, I thought I’d astound you with some facts and deaths relating to the epic saga. Firstly lets see who has already died that had connections with Star Wars:

return of the jedi castAs you can see, there’s not many left! You should seriously consider listing all the main actors on next years lists, especially with some of them reaching a ripe old age, Harrison Ford (71), Mark Hamill (62), Carrie Fisher (57), Anthony Daniels (68), Kenny Baker (79), Peter Mayhew (69), David Prowse (78), James Earl Jones (83), Billy Dee Williams (77), Frank Oz (69) and Ian McDiarmid (69), just to name a few. 

tumblr_lpd3uo5Efn1qmnqf0o1_500You may have also heard that before the final parts of filming for Star Wars were to be completed, Mark Hamill aka Luke Skywalker was involved in a car crash. The plucky kid managed to squish his face in and had to have some reconstructive surgery to make him look human again. Luckily, all of his scenes were completed by using a stand-in, but for filming Empire, a scene had to be added of Skywalker being mauled by a Wampa to explain his facial disfigurement. 

Last Week’s Birthdays

Michelle Pfeiffer (56), Jerry Seinfeld (60), Jessica Alba (33), Jay Leno (64), David Beckham (39), Uma Thurman (44), Christina Hendricks (39), Willie Nelson (81), Daniel Day Lewis (57), Penelope Cruz (40), Frankie Valli (80), Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (42), Kirsten Dunst (32), Casey Kasem (82), Andre Agassi (44), Burt Young (74), Ann-Margret (73), Harper Lee (88), Sheena Easton (55), Julie Benz (42), Wes Anderson (45), Anouk Aimee (82), Kate Mulgrew (59), Jane Campion (60), Ray Parker Jr (60), Englebert Humperdinck (78) and Lily Allen (29).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 27th April 2014

Dead Pool Background

Salutations my avid readers and fellow followers of death! Surprisingly, no points this week, even though the oldest man in Germany died and the oldest guy to have been verified died too, I thought you lot were better than this!  I implore you  all to take note of all the birthdays for last week, almost three quarters of them are ripe for the coffin, many names to keep in mind for your lists next year, and don’t be squeamish, just because you idolise them doesn’t mean you can’t list them!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

9d0ce16b5cb4cf0f510f6a706700c25aLets start off with a feel good story. A couple who held hands at breakfast every morning even after 70 years of marriage have died 15 hours apart. Helen Felumlee (92), of Nashport, Ohio, died on April 12. Her husband, 91-year-old Kenneth Felumlee, died the next morning. The couple’s eight children say the two had been inseparable since meeting as teenagers, once sharing the bottom of a bunk bed on a ferry rather than sleeping one night apart. Let’s wish the family well and hope both life-long lovers are happy in whatever afterlife they believed in.

cross_2892102bProving that God does have a sense of humour, a man has been crushed to death by a giant crucifix dedicated to Pope John Paul II, days before the said ex-pontiff is to be canonised. In a bizarre coincidence, the 21-year-old man was reported to have been living in a street named after Pope John XXIII, who is also going to be canonised this weekend. Perhaps God is sending a message, that mere men, no matter how pious and good they were in life, were just men. Who said religion was good for you?

alain-roberts-interview-25052011-medium_newFrench free-climber, Alain Robert, also known as the ‘French Spiderman’, climbed the Galaxy Macau Tower bare-handed on Wednesday. The climbing stunt was a part of a series of events and activities planned to promote the film, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Surprisingly, Robert has never been listed on any of the Dead Pool lists, ever! One would think that a man that loves to climb buildings with his bare hands and a bag of chalk should be listed each year, but who am I to judge. If you fancy feeling a bit sick to the bottom of your stomach, Google some of his climbs.

On This Day

Deaths

Thank Fuck We’re Not All Dead by KoA

1363737_origThere are many instances during our lifetimes that due to some fuck up we should be grateful that we are alive. Could be that your fuck up was not looking when you were crossing the street, for others the fuck up is slightly more grievous. Take for instance, if you were working at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant on 26th April 1986. Yup, 28 years ago this weekend, someone had a bad day at work.

The Chernobyl disaster is the worst nuclear power plant accident in history in terms of cost and resulting deaths, and is one of only two classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale (the other being the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in 2011). The battle to contain the contamination and avert a greater catastrophe ultimately involved over 500,000 workers and cost an estimated 18 billion rubles. During the accident itself only 31 people died, but long-term effects such as cancers and deformities are still being accounted for.

Nuclear_bombThe disaster began during a systems test, there was a sudden and unexpected power surge, and when an emergency shutdown was attempted, an exponentially larger spike in power output occurred, which led to a reactor vessel rupture and a series of steam explosions. These events exposed the graphite moderator of the reactor to air, causing it to ignite. The rest is probably easier to explain by the word BOOM!

sheep_2173052bThose of us old enough to remember will recall that the resulting radioactive fallout entered the atmosphere and travelled extensively over the planet. Personally, I remember that the local lamb in Wales was off the menu for decades after, many farmers going under because their livestock was too contaminated to sell and their lands being unusable, such sanctions only recently having been lifted.

chernobyl-disaster-43839871238_xlarge-1So after the area was brought under some kind of control, an area extending 30 kilometres in all directions from the plant was officially called the “zone of alienation”. It is largely uninhabited, except for about 300 residents who have refused to leave. The area has largely reverted to forest, and has been overrun by wildlife because of a lack of competition with humans for space and resources. Even today, radiation levels are so high that the workers responsible for rebuilding the sarcophagus are only allowed to work five hours a day for one month before taking 15 days of rest. Ukrainian officials estimate the area will not be safe for human life again for another 20,000 years.

So the next time you’re having a bad day at work, just think how much worse it could be!

Last Week’s Birthdays

tp1-1George Takei (77), Ryan O’Neal (73), Iggy Pop (67), The Queen (88), Tony Danza (63), Jack Nicholson (77), Lee Majors (75), Glen Campbell (78), Michael Moore (60), Shirley MMacLaine (80), Barbra Streisand (72), Hank Azaria (50), Al Pacino (70), Channing Tatum (33), Renee Zellweger (45), Jessica Lange (65), Clint Howard (55), Andy Serkis (50), Carmen Electra (42), Charles Grodin (79), Andie MacDowell (56), James McAvoy (35), Charlotte Rae (88), Estelle Harris (86), John Waters (68), Sheryl Lee (47), Djimon Hounsou (50), Len Goodman (70), Bjorn Ulvaeus (69), Joan Chen (53) and Jet Li (51).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 20th April 2014

Dead Pool Background

Welcome all, on what  would have been Adolf Hitler’s  125th birthday, no doubt had  things turned out differently, we’d be celebrating a national holiday, oh, hang on, we are! Some other guy died, thus creating the Easter Break. Lucky eh? Perhaps we should take this as a precedent and murder other holy people every few weeks so we can have a couple of days off each month. Anyone care to offer up some names?

No deaths last week, so no points, again a slight dearth of celebrity deaths, but when has that held us back?

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

George-Alagiah-007BBC News presenter George Alagiah has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. The presenter of the BBC News at Six, Ten and GMT on BBC World News will take a break from his on-air duties while he undergoes treatment. A statement from the BBC said: “He’s grateful for all the good wishes he has received thus far and is optimistic for a positive outcome.” Alagiah, 58, first joined the BBC in 1989 and spent many years as one of the BBC’s leading foreign correspondents before moving to presenting, reporting on events such as the genocide in Rwanda and the conflict in Kosovo.

SNN0227BOB-280_1241726aBob Wilson, the former Arsenal goalkeeper and broadcaster, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Wilson, 72, who played more than 230 times for Arsenal during the 1960s and 70s and  who was capped twice by Scotland, has cancelled work and charity commitments while he has treatment. The former BBC TV presenter said: “I am very confident that the treatment I am receiving will prove successful and kindly ask that my privacy is respected at this time.”

Blue JellyfishAfter two sad pieces of news, I feel we need a feel-good story, so lets have a laugh at David Cameron being stung by a jellyfish. Whilst bobbing gently in the Spanish waters of Lanzarote, the prize cunt was attacked by an aquatic hero. It seems other bathers warned the PM that there were ‘loads of jellies down there’ so he rushed in to save his children. If only he’d do the same thing for this country. Sadly the sting he received, which left him shouting in pain, didn’t even require medical treatment. The not so transparent creature with a frightening lack of substance will be returning to work at Westminster next week, the jelly fish will be awarded the OBE in this years honours list.  

UnknownPensions minister, Steve Webb, is keen to tell pensioners upon their day of retirement how long they have left to live. Estimates of life expectancy would be based on factors such as gender, where they live, and whether they smoke. The information would help them plan their finances more efficiently, according to the minister. It’s a shame he feels that people who have paid into the system all their working lives are suddenly a burden upon us all, I’d hate to be his father. If you feel the need to guesstimate your date of demise, have a go here. Personally I’m going to die on Saturday 23rd May 2037, so I won’t even see my retirement, much to the joy of Steve Webb. 

On This Day

Deaths

Horrible Ways to Die #6 by Dexychik

dali2_1247555cIn the spirit of Easter, the theme of the week is crucifixion.

Now, crucifixion was used by Greeks, Romans, Persians and Carthginians as capital punishment. In terms of the gospel, Jesus probably didn’t carry his own cross to Golgotha, because it would have been enormously heavy. However, the victim usually carried the crosspiece of their cross, before being flogged.  This was the part their hands were nailed or bound to.

placement_of_nailsNow, the placement of the nails are not precisely known because there’s little archaeological evidence, and translations are unreliable, but the nails were either put through the palm of the hand, or through the radial part of the arm, using the arm bones as support to stop the arm being dragged down over the nail. Of the two, the palm would be more painful if the nerves in the palm were severed.

Once nailed to the crossbar, the crossbar was nailed to a vertical stake. The feet of the victim were nailed into place, both at ankle and through the sole into a support just below the feet, again to stop the feet slipping. The cross wouldn’t be particularly huge, probably suspending the victim only a couple of feet or so above the ground.

So far so hideous.

Crucifixion was a very slow death. It took days. Part of the reason the gospel crucifixion is different is that Jesus died in three hours. There is an explanation in the text – someone pushed a vinegar-soaked sponge into Jesus’ face. He then threw his head back and died. Throwing your head back when being crucified will cause your chest to expand, but not be able to deflate again. It’s likely that Jesus, or whoever the writer based the story on, suffocated. People were not usually tortured once up – the Roman stabbing Jesus to check he was dead was probably because his death was unexpectedly quick. The legs of crucified people were often broken to speed death up.

Death was usually from a combination of blood-loss, shock, exposure, and dehydration. Infection could also play a part – imagine how long you’d be hanging for a localised infection to kick in.

cruxPeople could be crucified upside down, which meant a much faster death. There were also different models of cross, aside from the tradition one of Christianity.  The crux immissa had four arms to attach the limbs of the victim. The crux commissa had three arms, and the crux decussata was the same as a St Andrew’s Cross, allowing the victim to be spreadeagled and mutilated.

The body was left on the cross until it rotted away, as a deterrent. And the practice continued in Japan until the 19th century, although most other countries had stopped by the middle ages. Non-lethal crucifixion is occasionally practised as a devotional act, frowned upon by the Roman Catholic church, and as a punishment in Yemen.

Happy Easter! Next time, being broken on a wheel!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Sarah-Michelle-Gellar-WallpaperAdrien Brody (41), Loretta Lynn (82), Anthony Michael Hall (46), Emma Thompson (55), Emma Watson (24), Seth Rogen (32), Benedict XVI (87), Ellen Barkin (60), Victoria Beckham (40), Jennifer Garner (42), Conan O’Brien (51), James Franco (36), Tim Curry (68), Edward Fox (77), Al Green (68), Ron Perlman (64), Julie Christie (74), Robert Carlyle (53), Sarah Michelle Gellar (37), Samantha Fox (48), Bobby Vinton (79), Jimmy Osmond (51), Martin Lawrence (49), Lukas Haas (38), Jan Hammer (66), Sean Bean (55), Hayley Mills (68), James Woods (67) and Rick Moranis (61).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 13th April 2014

Untitled-1Bit of a slow week this week, maybe because I  robbed Mickey Rooney and Peaches Geldof from Monday onto last weeks newsletter, I only have myself to blame, I should write things on time! So we only have the sad deaths of Adrian Mole creator, Sue Townsend, and the early death of The  Ultimate Warrior to entertain us. With Warriors demise, its perhaps pertinent to take a look at the ageing WWF wrestlers, all of which will be struggling to keep their steroid addled hearts going, and lets face it, all that shouting and brutal jumping around in front of the American public is enough to put a strain on anyone!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Mo Farah celebrates winning the men's 5,000m final at the European Championships in Helsinki in JuneBy the time you have read this we will know if Mo Farah has won the London Marathon to not, or perhaps he’s actually dead a mile before the finishing line if last month’s collapse at the New York Marathon is anything to go by! Mo was unconscious for three minutes after finishing second and carted off in a wheelchair, all because he suffered a slight fall and got a bit cold. Doesn’t sound all that fit to me! Let’s wish him well anyway, nobody has him on their lists, so him dying would be a bit of a waste!

rt-rev-peter-ballThe former Bishop of Gloucester, The Rt Rev Peter Ball was due to appear in court to answer allegations of sex offences dating back to the 1970’s but was too unwell to appear. The 82 year old faces charges of fucking little boys in his care. I think this is the same guy I agreed to spend the evening with incarcerated in a prison cell for charity, thank fuck that fell through, otherwise if he’d tried anything I’d have been one facing a lengthy jail sentence for the murder of a Bishop! Let’s hope the dirty old cunt dies in jail.

4536238080-mickey-rooney-Police-Legendary-star-Mickey-Rooney-dies-at-9It’s sad to hear that the remains of Mickey Rooney are being fought over by his relatives. The 93 year old disinherited his wife and all of his children in his last will, leaving is £10k legacy to his stepson who served as his caregiver until he died. I bet when they began all their court litigations they expected to find a bit more than £10,000. Looks like the lawyers are going to win and the family will end up with large bills and a rotting corpse to deal with.

On This Day

Deaths

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

12-Pictures-Of-Death-Row-Prisoners--Last-Meals-2This week we take a look at what Ángel Nieves Díaz ate before he was lethally injected for the crime of murder, even though he protested his innocence until he  died.  On December 13, 2006, Nieves Díaz was executed at the Florida State Prison in Raiford. He did not order a last meal, but was served a prison menu of shredded turkey with taco seasoning, shredded cheese, rice, pinto beans, tortilla shells, apple crisp, and iced tea. He also refused this meal. So facing his death on an empty stomach, the poor chap was injected straight through the vein and instead of dying within the stipulated 7.5 minutes, it took over an hour. I bet he regretted his decision not to eat then…

Horrible Ways to Die #5 – Rabies!  by Dexychik

rabid_dogRabies is a disease generally associated with dogs, but any mammal can catch it, including humans. It’s more commonly passed on by bat bite than dog. It’s always been rare in the west, but is not eradicated: up to 55,000 people a year die of it worldwide, mainly in Africa and Asia. There is no treatment, except for vaccination, which can be administered after a bite. The vaccine is notable because it was one of the earliest invented, second only to smallpox.

The bugger of rabies is that it can take a very long time to manifest. Usually it’s within a few months, sometimes as soon as a week, but it has been reported up to six years after exposure. Although the vaccine is generally successful at preventing it, if it gets to your central nervous system, you die.

The early symptoms are a fever and a bit of irritation around the entry site. However, once it reaches the brain or spinal cord, it is dramatic. You suffer paralysis and insanity, usually of the paranoid, terrified type, before lapsing into unconsciousness. It used to be called hydrophobia, because it’s common to develop an absolutely hysterical fear of water. This isn’t helped by the mouth overproducing saliva, which is what gives rabid dogs the characteristic ‘foaming at the mouth’ appearance. If a drink is so much as suggested to someone with rabies, their whole throat and larynx spasms.

Thankfully, death follows within 10 days in almost all cases, so you don’t have to suffer long. But probably best to cough up for a vaccine if you’re travelling to areas where it’s common.

Next time! Being broken on a wheel!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Kirsten Stewart (24), Dennis Quaid (60), Jenna Jameson (40), David Letterman (67), Shannen Doherty (43), Hugh Hefner (88), Paul Rudd (45), Claire Danes (35), Russell Crowe (50), Ed O’Neill (68), Zach Braff (39), Robin Wright (48), Andy Garcia (58), Billy Dee Williams (77), Steven Seagal (62), Saoirse Ronan (20), John Ratzenberger (67), Francis Ford Coppola (75), Jackie Chan (60), Julian Lennon (51), Joss Stone (27), Jennifer Morrison (35), James Garner (86), Wayne Rogers (81), Patricia Arquette (46), Max von Sydow (85), Omar Sharif (82), Haley Joel Osment (26) and Lisa Stansfield (48).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next Week peeps!


Dead Pool 6th April 2014

Dead Pool Background

Evening all! Let me start by apologising for the late email and blog post, I have been very busy. Yes, I do have a life outside of writing this newsletter, I know you don’t believe me, but I do! Actually, because nothing much was happening death-wise, I decided to gather all of the worlds celebrities to explain that we needed some points action, so Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldof decided to ‘take one for the team’, thus giving us something to talk about.

Thanks to Rooney; Julie, Jim and Paul G. have scored 57 points each, which gives us a new points leader! Alas, nobody had Peaches, sad although her death is, she would have made an excellent Maverick for someone. Best keep an eye on the rest of the relatives now, suicide runs in that family after all…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News 

2014-04-04-michaeljackson_jpg_630x640_q85For those of you who thought Michael Jackson was dead and gone, well, you may have been mistaken. The former King of Pop hasn’t let a mere formality as being dead keep him away from entertaining the masses, he’s bringing out a new album  in May, with no less than eight new tracks! Obviously Michael is hiding away with Elvis somewhere, producing posthumous No.1’s, which will annoy every living musician, as we honest consumers of shit, will buy up each album and make sure some undeserving music executive gets rich on the bleaching bones in Jacksons grave.

Vladimir and Lyudmila PutinEveryones favourite Russian, Vladimir Putin, has finally had his divorce finalised. I’m sure that his ex-wife Lyudmila is now shitting in her pants wondering if she’ll end up in a gulag or just strapped to a nuclear warhead which will soon be raining down upon the Ukraine. Best keep an eye on her welfare, you never know with these megalomaniac types. Putin himself has made the transition quite easily though, rumours have it that he’s shagging the Olympic gymnast Alina Kabayeva, so it’s no surprise he’s given the old bag the push.

20Good news to all television lovers, that old prancing twat, Sir Bruce Forsyth, has finally admitted defeat and decided to retire after what seems like 800 years in the business. Brucie announced that he will still carry out a few pre-recorded Strictly specials for us to endure, lets hope the 86 year old croaks before that happens, and he even has plans to tread the boards of the theatre, hopefully the old doddering cunt will fall off the stage so we all score some much needed points.

michael_schumacher_1238935cMichael Schumacher is looking like he might pull through the ‘lettuce’ to enter the ‘dribbling turnip’ stage of his recovery. The former F1 champion is now showing ‘moments of consciousness and awakening’, much like I do most days at work, so I’d assume he’s in perfect health and just needs to get off his arse and work, much like Iain Duncan Smith would want him to.

_74020891_python1_624afpThe final Monty Python reunion show will be “the last time we’ll be working together”, Michael Palin has said, which sort of  suggests he thinks one of them is about to die. Seeing they’re all in their 70’s, it’s now a good bet to start listing them. My money is on Cleese although Idle is looking a bit mummified recently.

On This Day

Deaths

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals by KoA

Condemned WomanThis week we have Teresa Lewis’ last meal. You might remember her as the only female on Death Row prior to her execution by lethal injection in 2010. She was sentenced to death for the murder of her husband and her stepson which she thought she could get away with and profit from a $250,000 insurance policy her stepson had taken out before he was deployed as an Army reservist in Iraq.

12-Pictures-Of-Death-Row-Prisoners--Last-Meals-1Shortly before she was to become the 12th woman executed in the US, Teresa dined on the following:

  • Fried Chicken
  • Sweet peas with butter
  • Apple Pie
  • Dr Pepper

Rather dull if you ask me, no custard on her apple pie either, she was truly a mentalist!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Warren Beatty (77), Eric Clapton (69), Robbie Coltrane (64), MC Hammer (51), Piers Morgan (49), Celine Dion (46), Norah Jones (35), Richard Chamberlain (80), Shirley Jones (80), Christopher Walken (71), Rhea Perlman (66), Ewan McGregor (43), Debbie Reynolds (82), Ali MacGraw (75), Linda Hunt (69), Emmylou Harris (67), Michael Fassbender (37), Alec Baldwin (56), Eddie Murphy (53), Leona Lewis (29), Amanda Bynes (28), Hugo Weaving (54), Robert Downey Jr. (49), David Blaine (41), Jane Asher (68), Agnetha Faltskog (64), Mitch Pileggi (62) and Pharrell Williams (41).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 30th March 2014

Dead Pool Background

Welcome all, on this auspicious day where we see Batman turning 75 and the terrible news that gardeners are facing a national shortage of fencing. Oh, also gay people are now legally allowed to get married. As you see, the world is ending. I’m sure God will soon cause Gran Canaria to tumble in the sea thus sending a tsunami of gay destruction towards Brighton, or maybe life will just carry on as usual. Congratulations to anyone who actually got married this weekend, even an old cynic like me likes to see a romantic event from time to time, although I’m just there for the free food and booze…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

soaps_corrie_barbara_knox_genericCoronation Street actress Barbara Knox, 80, has been arrested on suspicion of drink-driving. In what we can only call a total fuck up on her part, Knox drove to the police station to see her daughter whom had earlier been arrested for the same offence. Respect to the old codger though, still motoring at 80, but driving to a police station whilst pissed wasn’t the best of ideas.  She’s now on police bail pending further inquiries, fuck knows what they will be.

CHUCKLES-THE-CLOWNGood news for all, clowns are faced with extinction!! There are only around 100 registered clowns in the whole of the UK nowadays, which we can all be thankful for. Blame is being thrown towards their depiction in horror films, I say they were bloody creepy anyway. Also their chosen habitat is under threat, the travelling circus, which is also in dramatic decline as nobody wants to see grown men covered in make-up throw glitter over each other whilst they drop their trousers in front of children. Lets hope that mimes are also included in this terminal collapse of clownkind!

EbolaThe media are trying to frighten the bejesus out of everyone by saying ebola is about to spread around the world. The initial outbreak in Guinea spread to the capital, killing around 60 people, but apparently it wasn’t even ebola, just some other terrible disease. But luckily people were actually dying in neighbouring Liberia and Sierra Leone, thus giving the media a lifeline.  However, a Canadian man was reported to have the virus after returning from West Africa. After the initial alarm, it was found he just had some malaria. So panic everyone, we’re all going to die! Let’s blame those gay marriages!

Jimmy_Tarbuck_1723634aThe celebrity paedophiles are slowly being sorted out. Jimmy Tarbuck has been released without charge. The veteran comic, 74, was released after a year on police bail after being accused of rogering a small boy. So along with Michael Le Vell, Bill Roache, Jim Davidson, Dave Lee Travis and a few other slightly less known ‘stars’, the list is dwindling very quickly. All we have now is the Hairy Cornflakes retrial and the upcoming trials of Rolf Harris and Paul Gambaccini and the potential downfall of the celebrity publicist, Max Clifford. Could this have been a witch hunt? Who cares…

_73558108_jonathan_closeup464And finally, if you’re feeling a bit tired after a shag, think about poor Jonathan, a giant tortoise on the island of St Helena. At 182 he still has to service three females even though he’s half blind from cataracts and relies on his hearing to find his mates. Jonathan loves to have his neck stroked and its said that he can extend his head from his shell to a surprising length. He loves his vegetables and can belch like a trooper. ‘Tortoises may be slow, but they are also very noisy, especially when they mate’, said his handler. ‘A noise like a loud harsh escape of steam from a giant battered old kettle, often rounded off with a deep oboe-like grunt.’ Unfortunately, Jonathan’s trysts have not produced young – thus far.

On This Day

Deaths

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals

This weeks last meal belongs to Ted Bundy! You’ll remember Ted as the charming and handsome American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper and necrophile with around 35 homicides to his name. Ted died in the electric chair at Raiford Prison in Starke, Florida in 1989, but not before he dined on the following:

12-Pictures-Of-Death-Row-Prisoners--Last-Meals_1

Steak (medium rare)
Eggs (over easy)
Hash Browns
Toast
Butter
Jam
Milk
Orange Juice

Alas, this meal wasn’t of his choosing, he actually declined a ‘special’ meal, so what you see here is the traditional last meal given to inmates who don’t feel the need to stuff their faces before they fry.

Horrible Ways to Die #5 – Boiled to Death by Dexychik

zpic55Boiled to death can only be described as a cruel and unusual punishment. In Britain, it was only legal for a few years in the sixteenth century. Introduced specifically for the death of a cook who was poisoning the food served to the poor by the Bishop of Rochester, only a handful of people were executed in this manner. One of these occasions was the death of a woman who poisoned her husband in King’s Lynn, where it was said her heart burst from her body and landed in a building. There is still a heart shaped stone to mark this grisly occurrence.

You can be boiled to death in water, oil or tallow (sheep flab). The body doesn’t do well under extreme temperature, either from within or without, and the pain of suffering extensive deep burns would knock you out pretty quickly. Death occurs due to hypovolaemic shock – or blood loss – as the exposed arteries rupture.

Although being boiled to death was, at one point, quite a popular execution method in Europe and Asia, it’s now limited to occasional torture murders in the Middle East. Yum.

Next time! Rabies!

Last Week’s Birthdays

lucretiaChaka Khan (61), Amanda Plummer (57), Damon Albarn (46), Perez Hilton (36), Kelly LeBrock (54), Lara Flynn Boyle (44), Alyson Hannigan (40), Aretha Franklin (72), Paul Michael Glaser (71), Elton John (67), Sarah Jessica Parker (49), Leonard Nimoy (83), Alan Arkin (80), James Caan (74), Diana Ross (70), Steven Tyler (66), Martin Short (64), Keira Knightley (29), Julian Glover (79), Michael York (72), Quentin Tarantino (51), Mariah Carey (44), Fergie (39), Dianne Wiest (66), Vince Vaughn (44), Lady GaGa (28), Eric Idle (71), Brendan Gleeson (59), Christopher Lambert (57), Elle Macpherson (51) and Lucy Lawless (46).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 23rd March 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundWelcome once again my morbid minions to the weekly edition of the Dead Pool Newsletter. This week we have a dirge of deaths but no points to award, a new feature for your perusal, and of course, the usual hilarity that ensues from the demises of the famous.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

PX*84107Dame Vera Lynn is to celebrate her 97th birthday and 90 years in show business by releasing a new album. The ‘Forces Sweetheart’ will release her new opus in June and it will contain some previously unreleased material and a few old favourites. I’m sure you’re all itching to hear “We’ll Meet Again” in a digital Dolby Surround 5.1 THX remastered version. I know I am!!

Angela_Lansbury_(8356239174)Another Dame who is causing a few surprises this week is Dame Angela Lansbury! Yes, I thought she was dead already too. The 88 year old actress has been lavished with praise by critics upon her return to the West End stage as Madame Arcati in The Blythe Spirit. In her first stage role in over 40 years, Lansbury is said to be in ‘sparkling form’ and her depiction of the dance and trance scene is a ‘wonder to behold’.  Almost makes me want to go the theatre…

hospital-signIn one of those amazing and accurate studies, its been found that one in ten people will die during their time in hospital and that death is the ‘core business’ of hospitals. Well, I’m not one to punch holes in an official study, but isn’t the reason that people go to hospitals a huge factor in these results? Guess what, they found that older patients were more likely to die, especially those in the over-85 age bracket! They even based their study in Glasgow, last time I checked only 3 people reached the age of 45 up there due to the copious amount of deep fried pizza they consume on top of the Tennent’s Super and intravenous nicotine patches.

SatFat-400x334Not to be outdone, another bunch of scientists have discovered that saturated fat doesn’t cause heart disease while so-called ‘healthy’ polyunsaturated fats don’t prevent cardiovascular problems. So, in contrast with decades old nutritional advice, researchers at Cambridge University have found that giving up fatty meat, cream or butter is unlikely to improve your health. They even found that supplements had no benefits whatsoever. So, I have to retract my statement about deep fried pizza in the previous article! I’m off to stuff a pound of butter in my face…

On This Day

Deaths

Death Row Prisoners Last Meals

981123tb6200_20010630_08876.jpgEver wondered what inmates about to fry in the chair ask to eat for their last meal? No, I didn’t either. However, I’m going to share a meal or two with you from time to time as I always find it hard to come up with new meal ideas.

Remember old John Wayne Gacy? He was an American serial killer and rapist, also known as the Killer Clown, who was convicted of the sexual assault and murder of a minimum of 33 teenage boys and young men in a series of killings committed between 1972 and 1978 in Chicago, Illinois. He was convicted and sentenced to death in 1980 but spent a further 14 years on Death Row before he was executed by lethal injection at Statesville Correctional Centre in 1994.

12-Pictures-Of-Death-Row-Prisoners--Last-MealsGacy’s last meal consisted of the following:

  • 12 Fried Shrimp
  • A bucket of original recipe KFC
  • French Fries
  • 1 lbs of Strawberries

Prior to being convicted, Gacy had managed three KFC restaurants, which sort of shows some professional pride in his work.

Tasty eh? I sure wouldn’t mind chowing down on this last meal given the chance, but I think I would have been a bit pissed that my strawberries weren’t in a separate bowl. Plus, where are the sauces and dips??

Following his last meal, Gacy was taken to be executed by lethal injection, however due to the inexperience of the Death Row officials the chemicals used solidified in the IV tube, so his death took 18 minutes. His final spoken words were ‘Kiss my ass”. To add insult to injury, they even took out his brain for investigation, finding no abnormalities.

Last Week’s Birthdays

Jerry Lewis (88), Bernado Bertolucci (73), Erik Estrada (65), Patrick Duffy (65), Kurt Russell (63), Gary Sinise (59), Rob Lowe (50), Brad Dourif (64), Irene Cara (55), Vanessa Williams (51), Queen Latifah (44), Ursula Andress (78), Gelnn Close (67), Bruce Willis (59), William Hurt (64), Spike Lee (57), Theresa Russell (57), Holly Hunter (56), Michael Rapaport (44), Timothy Dalton (68), Gary Oldman (56), Matthew Broderick (52), Rosie O’Donnell (52), William Shatner (83), M. Emmet Walsh (79), Andrew Lloyd Webber (66), Matthew Modine (55) and Reese Witherspoon (38).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 16th March 2014

Dead Pool Background

With the death of the great Tony Benn, we have a few points to award. Congratulations to Julie and Chrissy, both scoring 62 points. To be honest I though more of us had him, including me, sadly this wasn’t so. Maybe old Tony should have been more aware of the Ides of March, I know I was and I’m still here! Anyhow, onwards to the frivolity.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

CS43425358Wesley-Warren-T-1981266Sadly I have to report the death of Wesley Warren, the man with the biggest testicles in the known universe! You might remember poor Warren from the Channel 4 documentary covering his life before and during his operation to remove his 10 stone balls. Tragically, even though he recovered from his testicular problem, he died of a heart attack related to his diabetes last week. Rest in peace old titan bollocks!

Chris TarrantChris Tarrant is recovering in hospital after suffering a mini-stroke. His manager, Paul Vaughan, said he had been taken ill on a flight to London from Bangkok in Thailand on Saturday and was taken to Charing Cross hospital. The 67-year-old broadcaster had been filming in Asia and South America before falling ill and Vaughan said he would not be going straight back to work after he is discharged,  much to the delight of everyone I’m sure.

michael_schumacherAfter reporting last week that Michael Schumacher was turning into a cabbage, the German seems to be showing signs of improvement. One assumes he’s now a parsnip! Doctors treating the former F1 champion seem to think he’s going to pull through, maybe even reaching the complex state of lettuce by next week! If anyone can, I’m sure Michael can!

angelina-jolie-33354Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she is to undergo further preventative cancer surgery after she was subjected to a double mastectomy last year. The 38-year-old actress had the procedure after discovering she was at high risk of developing breast cancer. Jennifer Aniston is said to be punching the air and shouting something about ‘take that Brad…’

walnut-breaking-record-1And finally a Pakistani martial arts expert has found notoriety after headbutting his way through 155 walnuts in one minute. His record-breaking attempt literally smashed the previous record of 44 walnuts. Surrounded by a crowd of onlookers and officials, Mohammad Rashid proceeded to crack a long line of walnuts laid out on a table using only his forehead. After his minute was up, a breathless Rashid looked pleased with his efforts. However a few of the walnuts clearly got the better of him, as he could be seen wiping away a few spots of blood from his head. One question though.. Why?

On This Day

Deaths

Last Week’s Birthdays

chuck norrisJuliette Binoche (50), Chuck Norris (74), Shannon Tweed (57), Sharon Stone (56), Robin Thicke (37), Olivia Wilde (30), Emeli Sande (27), Johnny Knoxville (43), Thora Birch (32), Liza Minnelli (68), Neil Sedaka (75), William H. Macy (64), Michael Caine (81), Quincy Jones (81), Billy Crystal (66), Eva Longoria (39), and Will.I.Am (39).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!


Dead Pool 9th March 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundNot a good week to be a French director it seems, but nobody guessed their demises, so no harm done. I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed quite a few Star Trek actors and astronauts passing away recently, then I thought about it and realised that a lot of these people are ‘really’ old now. How did that happen?? Perhaps next year a list of spacemen is in order, actors and actual real ones!

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Elena BaltachaFormer British tennis number one Elena Baltacha has been diagnosed with cancer of the liver. Baltacha, 30, who retired last year, won 11 singles titles, made the third round of Wimbledon in 2002 and was part of Great Britain’s Fed Cup team for 11 years. At the age of 19, Baltacha was diagnosed with primary sclerosing cholangitis, a chronic liver condition which compromises the immune system. Let’s wish her well, but also keep an eye on her progress.

fawltyps01Actor Timothy West has told how his wife, Fawlty Towers star Prunella Scales, has been suffering from “a sort of mild Alzheimer’s”. The actress, now 81, is best known for her role as Basil Fawlty’s wife Sybil in the comedy Fawlty Towers. Scales says that she was determined not to let the condition keep her from the stage. “I always say I want to die on the eighth curtain call,” she says. “Eight will mean the show’s been rather a success. I just hope I’m somewhere near the middle and have been reasonably good in the part.” Can’t keep a good woman down they say!

Pope-Francis-Audience-with-the-media-1Pope Francis inadvertently demonstrated his own fallibility during an address in St Peter’s Square when he mistakenly said the Italian word for “fuck”. The 77-year-old Jesuit Pope corrected himself almost immediately after making the gaffe during the audience at the Vatican on Sunday, but it was posted by Italians on YouTube and other social media and has since spread round the world.

Stephen-Hawking_2842103bThis is the bizarre moment world-famous physicist Stephen Hawking joined fancy-dress revellers on a stag do. Chris Hallam, 29, and ten friends had gone out all dressed as Bananaman for a night on the town in Cambridge. The group turned a corner and bumped into Stephen Hawking getting out of his car. And they were stunned when the Brief History of Time author agreed to pose with them for a souvenir photo.

old-man-drinking-whiskey-and-smokingLastly, I have to share this little story from The Telegraph last week. They’re implying that people aged between 55 and 65 that binge-drink at the weekend are twice as likely to die within 20 years than moderate drinkers. Well, no shit Sherlock! If I even reach 85 I’ll be quite happy, hopefully I’ll be drinking like a teenager too!  You also may have seen that being angry will increase your risk of dying early as well. Apparently being an angry cunt increases your chance of a heart attack by fivefold. Good I say, who needs a misery guts. Fuck giving them statins, let Darwinism make the world a nicer place.  If you are wondering if you are about to die, why not take the test! Luckily I live a quiet peaceful life in which I rarely talk to anyone and eat well and don’t smoke, so I’ll be here for a long time to annoy you with the Dead Pool. Luckily they don’t ask about how much you drink…

On This Day

Deaths

Horrible Ways to Die #4 – Hanged, Drawn & Quartered by Dexychik

ant2006-0140.dviHigh treason, meaning to plot against the crown, only stopped being a capital, offence in 1998. And from the mid-14th century until 1817, the punishment for most men who committed high treason was to be hanged, drawn and quartered. If you were very noble, you might get your sentence commuted to a straightforward beheading.

Everyone who’s seen Braveheart has a vague idea of what being hanged, drawn and quartered (or HDQ’d, for brevity) means. The man would be hanged until nearly unconscious, then have his innards removed, and then be chopped into four pieces, which were sent to be displayed around the kingdom as a deterrent. People came in their droves to watch this happen: it was considered a legitimate family entertainment. Imagine that nowadays: “What’s happening Saturday?” “Oh, X Factor’s back on, but someone’s being killed on Channel Xecution!”

So, what does it really mean to be HDQ’d? The captive was usually taken to their execution site on a hurdle, meaning pulled along behind a horse, tied to some wood. This would chafe…

executionThe first thing to know about old style execution is that hanging in ye olden times was not the ‘long drop’. That came much later, when a clever man worked out how long a drop was necessary to break a criminal’s neck and reduce suffering. When talking about HDQ’ing, the hanging element meant being strung up by the neck and being choked. This could take bloody hours, and in straightforward executions, the family were allowed to pull the convict’s legs to end his or her suffering. This wouldn’t happen in a HDQ, consciousness was considered necessary.

The_'Hung_Drawn_and_Quartered'_,_Great_Tower_Street,_London_-_geograph.org.uk_-_381862The drawing wouldn’t be terribly pleasant to watch, or smell. The abdomen was opened up, and the bowel pulled out for all to see. There is a report that, in 1660, General Thomas Harrison smacked his executioner on the head after being disembowelled. That’s some spirit, and proof that being disembowelled isn’t necessarily painful enough to render a man unconscious or incapable. The guts were usually burned in front of the man’s eyes.

The quartering wouldn’t be fun to watch, but the convict was beheaded first, then hacked up. Back in ye olden days, this sort of posthumous disfigurement was considered a Bad Thing, as the body was needed whole for the afterlife. This is one of the reasons corpses of criminals were the only ones used for anatomy lessons, and why being HDQ’d stopped – the bodies were too mutilated to use in surgical lectures.

The moral here is, don’t plot against the monarch, if a horrible punishment is on the statute books. Thankfully, it’s now punishable by life imprisonment, so plot at will.

Next time: syphilis (pre-modern-therapy) OR boiled to death. You choose!

Last Week’s Birthdays

proclaimersTom Wolfe (84), John Irving (72), Jon Bon Jovi (52), Daniel Craig (46), Chris Martin (37), Jennifer Warnes (67), Miranda Richardson (56), Jessica Biel (32), Bobby Womack (70), Shakin’ Stevens (66), Chris Rea (63), Patsy Kensit (46), Dean Stockwell (78), Eddy Grant (66), Penn Jillette (59), Craig & Charlie Reed of The Proclaimers (52), Eva Mendes (39), David Gilmour (68), Rob Reiner (67), Kiki Dee (67), Tom Arnold (55), Bryan Cranston (58), Rachel Weisz (43), TJ Thyne (39), Micky Dolenz (69), Gary Numan (56) and Tom Chaplin (35).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!